Blonder and Thinnerrrr

It's too late for me, but maybe you can save yourselves

2012-01-25T20:36:00.001-05:00

Hey, does not trying to find a job for a couple more years sounds good?(1) Have you always enjoyed school?(2) Do people tell you that you're "smart"?(3) Do you qualify for massive federal loans?(4) If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're a prime target for these schemers:

I will say that I resent the idea that "linguistics" as an entire discipline is useless and obscure. My BA in it that I'm not using comes in handy occasionally while watching Jeopardy or during drunken debates over language families or etymologies (I'm in grad school, okay? Even our drunken debates are ridiculous.). But with an MA, most of the coursework for a PhD, and a bunch of student loan and credit card debt under my belt, I am ready to be even more over-qualified for all the jobs I won't be getting in the future! (Can you tell I'm over this a little bit?) But anyway, the video is funny. That is all.

(1) Haha! You will be scrounging for money the whole time and even if you have an assistantship, will probably have to scramble for a job every summer to fill in the gaps! Don't work too much, though, because then you won't qualify for food stamps anymore.
(2) This feeling will not last much longer!
(3) You do not actually have to be smart to go to grad school, just gullible enough to think it's a good idea and desperate enough to fulfill all the requirements.
(4) I don't think you even have to prove you are breathing to get this money! But it will never be the right amount at the right time or you will have to fill out another form or check with the grad college that tells you to go back to financial aid but they can't do anything until you go to the library to pay off your overdue charges but then they tell you that the bursar takes care of that now and the bursar says there's a problem with the registrar's office who tell you to go back to your department and then it takes 3-5 business days to process disbursement and then you can check with your bank to see if it has been deposited, which it probably hasn't yet!

Live-Blogging SOTU 2012

2012-01-24T20:46:00.000-05:00

I went to the liquor store and I'm avoiding homework. Let's watch old dudes in suits stand up and clap while their peers sit and sneer.

<a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php/option=com_mobile/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=77a49b7a7a" >State of the Union live-blogging</a>

Update on "The Bachelor": Almost Unwatchable

2012-01-23T22:22:00.001-05:00

Listen, you guys know I love me some Ben. Or at least, I did. Anyway, all the stereotypical lady/catty fighting is out of control on this show, and I'm almost not sad that I miss the first half or more of the show while I'm in my night class. But I still care? But anyway: Courtney. She is the worst. OBVIOUSLY. Just because she's a model, Ben likes her? What? But she is mean and boring. Also, adorbs PhD student Emily can't even handle it. Don't worry, Emily, I judge him for liking her, too. I hope she doesn't break you, but I'm not sure I'll be able to watch this anymore if Courtney's awful awfulness goes on much longer:

This is all you need to know.

Courtney: making everybody feel icky inside since (at least) 2012.

Pluggers and the Bleakness of American Life

2012-01-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

Oh hey guys, it's been some time since I took the easy way out by making fun of one of America's worst cartoons. These Pluggers panels from the past couple of months revisit some of our favorite reader-supplied themes of depravity, hypocrisy, and hopelessness. In the form of cheerful, anti-intellectual giant human-animal mutant people, of course! Let's do this thing:

I'd make a bestiality joke, but since the characters are already animals, aren't we just witnessing a douchey Plugger bear husband trying to pressure his Plugger (fox?) wife into having a threesome with the family pet? Yeah, I went there.

Lest you think I'd forgotten one of this comic's most common themes, this couple brings us back to the importance of prescription drug abuse in the lives of Pluggers. Also, that chicken lady is about to eat a turkey. Ew.

I'll be honest, I have no idea what the joke is supposed to be in this comic, but I am amused by how fat that cat is.One of my students today's "weird/memorable fact" about themselves was his family's 35-pound cat. Few things are funnier than really fat cats.*

If Dogman here is so goddamn set on trite but apparently compulsory displays of patriotism, you'd think he could afford to just fucking buy another pin.

Pluggers is pretending to be sexually progressive! It's almost cute in its "totally missing the point"-ness.

I'm not going to write out a specific joke about Chickenlady's husband's severe incontinence problem, but I just wanted you to know that's where this panel took me. You're welcome.

Not only do Pluggers have massive prescription drug addictions that are probably the only thing keeping the unholy man-beasts alive at this point, but their drugs are all "not fit for human consumption" and whatnot too!

*Seriously, Google image search that shit. You will NOT be sorry.

Happy New Year, blahblahblah

2012-01-02T22:17:00.000-05:00

You guys, it's 2012 now. When I was a little Mormon girl I totally thought that the Second Coming would happen before I ever got this old. I'm pretty pleased about still being alive and not believing in that silly stuff anymore. This year, I am going to commit to following my dreams. My dreams involve continuing to drink lots of champagne and possibly moving away from this godforsaken place and also trying to do a lot of writing (non-academic) and continuing to be really attractive. BTWs, I'm technically brunette right now. Sorry to let you all down.

I have experienced the Great Laptop Failure of 2011, so a few secret creative projects are on indefinite hold while I pay way too much money to fix that shit. I have class on Monday nights this coming semester, so though I did watch the premiere of The Bachelor starring my TV boyfriend (besides Adam Scott) Ben F., I don't know if I'll be able to live-blog regularly. I did take notes on the first episode and plan on totally typing them up on this here old-timey laptop in the office of our house soon. So look forward to that, 2 people who care. Whatever. 2012 and stuff.

I finally watched Titanic and drank and wrote a bunch about it

2011-12-26T19:57:00.001-05:00

This would have been a way more compelling love story.

When I was 14, I wanted to be different, so I deliberately did not see Titanic. Isaac talked me into watching it finally, but I requested that my sister be there. So I borrowed a copy and brought it home with me to watch with family and friends and to semi-live-blog. I wrote this last night and I submit it here without editing. It is too long, much like the film itself:

The movie begins. There is sepia footage. We’re all lamenting that nobody brought bagpipes.

Underwater exploration of the wreck. Jumpsuit w/ an earring in the submarine is talking about the ship with a super-gravelly voice. Poignant abandoned glasses on the ocean floor. Creepy doll coming out of the sand. Why is beardy jumpsuit wearing a “Snoop Vision” visor? Earring just called the captain “son of a bitch.” It’s Bill Paxton! With a terrible dye job.

No the jumpsuits are back on board their ship and they brought up a safe or something that is full of orange water. Isaac says I missed a Geraldo joke. Bill Paxton does not care about these not-treasures. Naked drawing being recovered. Now it’s getting shown on the teevee and an old lady is admiring it. The old lady is telling Bill Paxton on the phone that the naked picture is her!

Beardy just said the lady “punched out a couple of kids” since the Titanic incident. Ew. Pretty granddaughter gets the Pax’s eye. Old lady admires her own boobs and flashes back to Leo’s eyes. Pax says she’s his new best friend because she was wearing the diamond necklace when the ship went down.

Beardy is making old lady watch computer animation of the ship sinking/breaking in half. Beardy is making sound effects. God, Pax is so sunburnt. No one cares that old lady has PTSD. The granddaughter’s t-shirt is tucked into kind of high-waisted jeans. Now old lady is telling the story. I think we’re back in time now.

Giant bow on Kate Winslet’s hat! Isaac and Kelsy are so excited about Billy Zane’s eyebrows and “douche accent.” Somebody said the sink can’t ship. TAKE A DRINK.Card playing. Leo’s here now with this foreign roughnecks. Leo won the card game and he and his Italian friend won Titanic tickets. They barely made it! Everybody waves as the ship pulls away from the dock. His friend is as authentic as the Mario brothers.

Jack and Mario are excited about their bunkbeds. Billy Zane and Kate Winslet are staying in a giant cabin. Kathy Bates is sassing it up as Molly Brown. Sweaty lower-class types are shoveling coal. Leo is so excited about looking over the nose of the boat. Isaac claims it’s called a “bow.” Leo is yelling on it. KING OF WORLD. TAKE A DRINK.

Kate Winslet’s hair is so red in this movie. Molly Brown just called Rose a “pistol.” Leo sketches some shit. Leo spots the lady after she stormed out of dinner. She just looked at him. Zane is in the doghouse apparently. Old lady voiceover. Leo stares and the stars and smokes as Rose runs, crying for some reason. Boob shot!

Is she going to jump off the ship. Anne points out the heaving bosoms as Leo in his plaid coat tries to talk her out of suicide. “You don’t know me,” she says, like a guest on Maury Povich. They debate whether the fall, the drowning, or the water temperature would kill you first. God, she’s pissed he brought up ice-fishing. He calls her an “indoor” girl. He keeps taking his clothes off. Cute suspenders. Oh, she’s not going to kill herself now, but she falls, but he is saving her and stuff. I WON’T LET GET GO. TAKE A DRINK.

The crew thinks he was trying to rape her. Zane is pissed. Rose bails him out, though. The richies get back to their brandy. Zane has so much makeup on. He is now giving her that giant blue necklace thing. Isaac: “He totally went to Jarrod.” He is promising to buy her so much crap. This necklace is like a neck IRON for her.

Now Richie Rose is hanging out with Leo on deck.Somehow they got into an argument. Now she admires his art. BOOBS. He’s talking about his favorite one-legged prostitute art subject.

**(hour-long drinking and talking break)**

Leo just told her to straddle a horse. Spitting scene. I didn’t learn to spit from that. I learned from being awesome. Molly Brown and Rose’s mom judge Leo.Molly Brown has an extra tuxedo to loan Leo for some reason. Leo is being all gentlemanly with Rose for their dinner. Whoa, some old creep just complimented Zane on his fiancee’s hotness. Ew.

Leo’s future depends on “God’s good humour.” The rich people judge him. He’s so bohemian. He gets more champagne. HERE’S A HERO. Leo leaves Rose with a secret note. He’s going to take her to a “real party.” Leo dances with a small child at the noisy ethnic party. Creep. Lots of beer drinking and uncouth drunkenness and dancing happening now. Pulls Rose close for dancing. Somebody in the movie brought his bagpipes! Now they are doing some sort of soft-shoe dancing? Spinning!

Rose is showing off her beer-guzzling abilities. She stands on pointe without toe shoes on in a way that is not really possible. Zane is disappointed Rose didn’t come to hook up with him last night. She calls his spying manservant an “undertaker.” Zane is telling her to behave and patriarchy blahblahblah. He is controlling and we’re supposed to hate him.

Rose is getting a lecture from her mom. Mom vengefully tightens Rose’s corset because of whatever they said. Now they are at ship church. Somebody offers Leo money to go away because he is lower class and they want him to not rape their property. Viktor Garber does a shitty Scottish accent. UNSINKABLE. TAKE A DRINK. Now Leo has pulled her aside into a secret room and he wants her to be happy.

Sweeping boat shot. Take a drink. Groaning at the recorder music. KING OF THE WORLD FLYING ON THE FRONT OF THE NOSE OF THE BOW BOAT THING IN THAT CLASSIC SHOT. DRINK. Finger touching. Awkward sideways backwards makeout. Fade into underwater ship.

Now Pax is here with open shirt and necklace and chest hair and we just talked about how chest hair is good. Now we’re back to the past and Rose took her hair down sexily and she wants her picture done AKA BOOB EXPOSURE. He draws her and there is piano “My Heart Will Go On.” Old lady says, “It was the most erotic moment of my life.” Pax thinks that’s wonderful.

Back in time again. The undertaker chases Leo and Rose through the ship for some reason.

OCCUPY TITANIC. BTWs.

The Irish in the coal-shoveling area wonder what they’re doing down there. They find a car and they’re going to do it in it probably. Yep. Doin’ it. Hand on steamy window looks like a death scene. Leo loved orgasming. She doesn’t know that she can, I think.

Some creeps are looking at the handprint. Iceberg is happening. Emergency! There is a discussion in this room about sexy chimney sweeps. When this digital short appears online, I will totes link to it. I think the ship has hit the berg now and stuff.Not enough lifeboats? DRINK!

We just drank to class differences. People are playing with the ice. Zane is pretending he’s been robbed for some reason. Undertaker put something in Leo’s pocket to frame him, I guess. Something just happened and ZANE HIT ROSE! Not okay. Not okay. Everybody has to put their “lifebelts” on now.

Women and children are being evacuated now on boats. Except LOWER CLASSIES. The poors are going to die. Zane just said something douchey about the worth of her drying. He called her a “whore for a gutter rat.” She spits him in the face!

The water is rising and Viktor Garber is trying to give her directions to wherever Leo has been handcuffed. Rose is going to go rescue him. The water in this ship looks awfully chlorinated. And also she’d be cringing from the cold.

My sister just asked (in response to my maniacal giggling): “What’s wrong with you?”
Me: “I’m drunk. And it’s not wrong. It’s so, so right.”

She wants to get him out, but none of the keys are right in the key cabinet? So she went and found an axe and is going back to get home. She chops his cuffs off. Her hair basically grows in the dark. And he is talking about how cold he is.

Zane’s hair is askew. The ethnics are being locked somewhere? I asked what was happening and my companions told me that it was class warfare. Mario Luigi is there. Billy Zane just left some shit in the vault that Pax pulls out of the ocean later. Just because they’re poors doesn’t mean they deserve to die in freezing cold water. Leo threw a bench through the gate and now they’re swarming the decks.

Rose and Leo are looking for a boat. There is panic. Women and children for stupid reasons. Jack and Zane are having a chat now. Zane’s eyebrows are fucked up. Rose is in a boat now somehow even though she said she wouldn’t go. She jumped back on the boat! WTF?

Zane steals the undertaker’s gun and chases the reunited couple. The necklace is in the pocket of the coat Rose is wearing, and now Zane wants it back. There’s a crying abandoned child they go to save. A sailor took the kid away and they both are dead now probs? Rose and Leo run from water. Now they got stuck behind another fence. A waiter guy sort of tries to open it but drops the key and runs and then Jack gets ‘em and they are almost drowning and stuff.

Things are getting desperate for the last lifeboat, I think. A little kid cries. Zane ignores him. The crew member Zane bribed just threw his money at him. Then that crew member shot an Irish dude. Now Zane goes back for the kid to try and get on the boat. ASSHOLE.

Viktor Garber with his GARBled accent is apologizing about the ship for some reason. A guy tries to give the captain a life vest, but he refuses because he’s a man. “Nearer My God to Thee” plays as people get flooded. Old people cuddle in bed to die. Irish family of poors will die. Panic. Water. Death.

The water inside the ship is all light and clear, unlike the ocean. The band keeps playing through the panic. Death, death, screamy scream. The ship tips. A smokestack goes down. Italy gets hit by it. The guy, not the country. The disaster effects of this movie are kind of awesome, actually. Some stupid priest is praying. Ship tip! You can see Kate Winslet’s breath suddenly.

The plates below deck are breaking. All the pretty furniture. Somebody fell and hit the propeller. My viewing companions love that part for some reason. Oh, the boat is breaking. Fire, electricity, fall, water, scream. More falling smokestacks. Leo and Kate hold tight to the prowbownose of the ship again. I WON’T LET GO. I took a drink and now they’re definitely going to die.

SINKING IS HAPPENING SO MUCH, YOU GUYS. The ship is pulling them away from each other underwater. UH-OH. Jack just punched some dude who was pulling her under. She gets up on a bedstead or something that’s floating. He will tip it over if he gets on, though. Cold breath. What are you blowing your whistle at, sir? Asking the boats to come back. Molly Brown wants to help people not die so much. Some of them kind of try.

Leo shivers as the screams quiet. Why doesn’t she try to get him on the bedstead again? Are they stupid? Leo just told her she’d make lots of babies. Ew. God, he thinks winning his tickets was awesome, but NO he is dumb and now he will die and romance is dumb and isn’t worth it. “Never let go.” She says she won’t. But she will. The return rescue boat has to try to get through the frozen but floating bodies. Dead baby!

Kate Winslet is singing now to the Milky Way. Jack is dead, but the boat has come. Now Rose is crying. SHUT UP AND GET THE BOAT TO COME OVER. She’s known this dude for like 29857 seconds. Yell louder to the boats, goddammit. She had to let go of him. Now she gets in the water?! She finds the guy’s whistle to get the rescue boat back.

Now wrinkly face is back in the Pax lab. She says only one of twenty boats came boat to save only SIX out of the water. Bastards. I feel cold just watching this movie. The Carpathia has come to pick them up finally.

Zane goes into the low-class area to look for Rose, I guess. She hides under a plaid blanket. Apparently Zane killed himself in 1929. Rose takes Jack’s last name when she gets back to the U.S. “A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.” DEAR LORD, old lady Rose.

The Pax is gross and is now talking to granddaughter and he’s all emotional now that he’s talked to a survivor. Old lady is now going to throw the gem into the water. Maybe Pax will find it later. Old Rose has so many photos by her bed of herself doing adventurous things.

Did you guys know that boat sank? But it was for rich people. And rich people are the worst. She’s reuniting with Leo in death, I guess? Stupid recorder music.

The Sexiest Men Alive According to Lauren This Year*

2011-12-21T03:52:00.005-05:00

What I think our society is really lacking is discussion of people's physical attractiveness. Several weeks ago now, I impulsively purchased this year's Sexiest Man Alive issue of People and was annoyed to see Bradley Cooper staring at me. Don't get me wrong, I thought he was cute when he was Sydney's sidekick/roommate/almost boyfriend sometimes? on Alias, but I have too high of standards to fawn over the star of the Hangover franchise now. Anyway, though a few of the men featured herein were included in the magazine, they have clearly not consulted me. This post is aggressively heterosexual and probably more personally revealing than necessary. ENJOY! I will now present you with my own list of sexy, sexy men for the looking at:

RYAN GOSLING
Let's just get this one out of the way. He is a sexy man who makes anti-patriarchy statements and is a devastatingly good actor (see: Half Nelson, Blue Valentine). I've never seen The Notebook for obvious reasons, but I am quite the RGos fan.

I particularly like him sketchy: chain-smoking with scruffy facial hair.

I guess he cleans up all right, too. No wonder there are so many tumblrs devoted to him.

Looks good in suit; can grow nice beard.

He's also in this, which just endears him that much more to me.

DANNY PUDI
Mr. Danny is the first on this list that one might consider a prime example of my "type." Tall, skinny, big-nosed, best known for playing a really awkward character. But so what? Everybody's got a type. And when he breaks out of Abed-face and actually smiles, OMG. Apparently he and his wife are expecting twins soon, which is also fucking adorable of course.

Oh yeah, I run marathons in my spare time. Do you like my rolled-up shirtsleeves?

Oh, I also look pretty fucking amazing in a suit.

Oh, this skinny tie? Yeah, I know I'm rocking it.

I also enjoy his impressions of his Polish relatives:

ROBSON GREEN
There is a good chance you do not know who this fellow is, but I cannot fathom why not since clearly there is a large demographic overlap between readers of this blog and extreme fishing enthusiasts. I am more interested in his acting pursuits. I first fell for the generously-nosed but pocket-sized British actor in this wonderfully cheesy Masterpiece Contemporary movie. But then I discovered Wire in the Blood. If you have not watched this yet, can I ask you, why are you not watching this yet? It is dark and suspenseful and he's all brilliant and emotionally unavailable. So good.

I'm analyzing you like I would a serial killer right now.

I hope I don't get kidnapped and tortured by the killer we're trying to catch again.


Did somebody say "shirtsleeves"?

ADAM SCOTT
The love the Sexy Gay Jesus and I have for this fellow is well-documented. Yes, his hair is kind of ridiculous (Though not Robert Pattinson ridiculous) and he kind of looks like he's twelve without a bit of stubble. But adorable? And he is so pocket-sized and also real-life best friends with also-quite-handsome man Paul Rudd who I will always have a crush on as Josh in Clueless.

So what if the top of my hair gets really tall and wide? It's fucking adorable somehow.

Oh, did you just ask me about my stubble?

CUTEST TV LOVE INTEREST EVER.

ADRIEN BRODY
Some people are like, "Adrien Brody is not handsome" or "His nose is crazy" or or "He looks like a Holocaust victim." And I am like, "Duh, what do you think I like about him?" Like, I cannot even handle his hotness. Like when he was all vulnerable and lonely in The Brothers Bloom or when he put on a fake British accent and worked as a self-loathing gay punk stripper in Summer of Sam or when he is just so hot all the time?

The page I took this from called this look "bedraggled." Well, call me a bedraggliphile, because HOT.

Oh, who's weird looking now? Yes, I have resorted to posting shirtless dudes on my blog. Though I wish he'd left the chest hair alone. Adult men with smooth chests kind of weird me out.

Oh, are my sad eyes sad enough? How about now?

Sexy suspenders, obvs.

IDRIS ELBA
You may need a minute to recover from the Adrien Brody hotness, but what comes next is worth waiting for. He is British. He is dreamy. He plays a troubled London detective with a heart of gold on Luther, which if you are not yet watching you are basically dead to me. SRSLY:

I like to think he just saw me scrolling by and was like, "Whoa."

As Luther. God I wish I were an endangered teenage prostitute so he could rescue me and then let me move into his apartment.

You get it now, right? BTWs, his hotness decreases without facial hair.

LAURENCE FOX
Were you like, Lauren why are there so few British police drama TV actors on this list? Because here's another one! Laurence Fox is so gangly and he does that mumbly thing Hugh Grant used to be famous for and he also looks like direct sunlight would cause him to break out in boils. He is hot, is what I am saying. As sergeant to the eponymous Inspector Lewis on the Masterpiece Mystery! series, Laurence Fox brings adorableness, quirky charm, and an amazing deadpan delivery.

Did I mention he looks good in a suit? Of course he and his more-famous wife are deliriously happy and expecting their second child soon.

With Kevin Whately (Inspector Lewis). That popped collar.

Yeah, I know he looks like a spoiled prep school bro like the one he plays in the terrible movie The Hole.** However, Sgt. Hathaway will turn you around on that one.

LIRON LEVO
It is difficult to say if there is a HOTTEST fellow on this list, but if I had to choose one, it might be Liron Levo. He's an Israeli actor full of hot hot hotness, basically. Netflix has pegged me as a sucker for foreign forbidden romance films, and I discovered him in Strangers:

Was that not enough to convince you? Because there's this in there too:

I might have this whole "skinny ripped dude" fetish or whatever.

Oh, can he grow a beard? OF COURSE HE CAN. I think they exile you from Israel if it takes you longer than a week. Liron actually shaved like 45 minutes before this photo was taken. I HATE his hair long, though.

Sorry, did you want more beard? This photo is from, like 15 minutes later.

Yes, smoking IS sexy. When sexy people do it, anyway.

The SGJ wants me to mention that Liron Levo has actually played the Lord Himself in a 2001 documentary series which, if the SGJ hadn't promise to refrain because I would be too jealous, could totally turn into a Jesus-fucking-Christ situation.

UPDATE: Not unrelated.

*The Sexy Gay Jesus may have provided some input for this countdown also.
**This awful film also features Keira Knightley in one of her earliest roles and Thora Birch putting on a terrible British accent. Oh, did I mention that it also features full frontal nudity of our friend Mr. Fox? Because that happens too.

The Sexy Gay Jesus Says What Dear Abby Won't

2011-12-12T18:23:00.000-05:00

My queer little followers,

I, the Sexy Gay Jesus, have once again been reading Dear Abby. While the Abbster's advice is largely inoffensive, there are things she will not say that the poor letter-writers really need to hear. I will now share some of my favorite recent submissions and answer them myself, but with more swearing and maybe a little bit of casual blasphemy:

Question 1-

DEAR ABBY: When my sister's husband comes to our house for a family dinner or other event, he immediately asks where he can take a nap. He then goes upstairs and sleeps for a couple of hours. This has been going on for more than five years and is not related to any medical condition. Should I mention this to my sister? I think he is being rude. -- "SLEEPY'S" B.-I.-L.

Dear In-Law of the Seven Dwarves,
Just be grateful you're not forced into awkward small talk with this guy. Maybe he has a social anxiety disorder, maybe he's just rude. By all means, have a couple of glasses of wine and ask your sister WTF already, but I'm just saying that there's a chance he's boring or homophobic or is a closetalker or something, and at least you're being spared having to spend time with him!

Question 2-

DEAR ABBY: I am a caring, loving husband. I enjoy my time with my wife. I think about our future a lot and want our marriage to last for as long as possible.

I make exercise a priority in my life, but I can't get her to understand that she should, too. I love her for who she is, but I want her to be in great health.

I am a very straightforward person and have told her in ways she didn't respond well to. She becomes defensive. How do you tell a woman she should exercise without offending her? -- FIT IN AKRON, OHIO

Dear "Fit":
You are Chris Traeger. Chill out:

P.S. If you think a woman who lives in America doesn't already know she "should" exercise, than you are an oblivious douchebag.

Question 3-

DEAR ABBY: When I married my husband 30 years ago, I was the only girl he could get. He was a great catch by my standards -- and still is. But back then nobody else wanted him but me, which was fine with me. I don't like competition.

We have had a great life together up until the last 10 years or so. Mason is aging gracefully, and there's something about him now that every woman is suddenly interested in. They all treat him like he's a new toy. They fawn over him and I become invisible.

We don't get out much, and I used to think I wanted to go out more -- but now I just want to stay home and hide my husband inside. The real problem is, Mason loves the attention. It could be what he always wanted. I don't know how to handle this without getting my feelings hurt, pouting and being incredibly jealous. He gives me no reason to think he'll be unfaithful, but I can't help but worry. Help! -- WIFE OF A LATE BLOOMER

Dear WOALB,
What is your problem? You only liked your husband because you thought he was too much of a loser to leave you? And now that he is doing well and people are responding to his confidence, you are jealous? Can't you just be smug that your husband is so awesome? SRSLY, just because you have low self-esteem doesn't mean he has to, too. Get some therapy, lady. Also, you mind shooting me your husband's cell number? I can't resist a Silver Fox, and I like it when people stare!

Question 4-

DEAR ABBY: I have recently found out that I'm pregnant. My problem is my husband doesn't believe the baby is his. He says he and his ex tried for 13 years to have a baby and couldn't.

I don't know what to say to him. I can't explain his past with that other woman. My doctor has ordered rest and no stress, but this is taking a toll on me. When the subject comes up, I just walk away and my husband explodes. What do I do? -- EXPECTING IN GUAM

Dear Expecting,
Your husband is an asshole. He does not understand how reproduction works. You can't just avoid the topic since, you know, that baby is going to show up eventually, and it's going to be awkward if you're still married to Mr. Denial. If he refuses to speak to a doctor/believe you/take paternal responsibility while you're still pregnant, you should probably not EXPECT much from him as your child grows up (ha! Get it?). But SRSLY, keep the kid if that's what you want, but get rid of your husband unless he cleans up his act real fast.

Jesus Speech

2011-12-10T02:26:00.001-05:00

Not the Sexy Gay Jesus, but a Pretty Likable Jesus.

Jesus Responds to Rick Perry's "Strong" Ad from DC Pierson

This one's pretty good too, less Jesus, more gay:

Also, Cats in Hoodies exists. If neither of those videos offended you, look it what I did with my best friend MS Paint:

What I'm up to

2011-12-09T18:25:00.001-05:00

I know all .2 of you who aren't my Facebook friends and therefore don't get to see my constant finals/procrastination whine-a-thon are like, "What is Lauren doing since she released her last awesome video? Also, remember when she used to actually write posts?" I am not sure who you are talking to. Each other? Yourself? Me? Anyway, I'm trying not to fail out of school/life right now, but I've got some more (slightly-less-epic) recipe videos ready to be edited and I've also been working on a secret Twilight project since I sucked down a bunch of vodka at a The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1: Mostly Boring Wedding Crap screening a couple of weeks ago. I will give you a taste of the awesomeness/crazy ridiculous time-suck on my part to come:

We all do, Jacob. We all do.

Anyway, at least there's new Very Mary Kate. She's funny and also has a real camera.

Celebrating 600 posts with French toasted tuna sandwiches

2011-11-17T21:04:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I've had this blog for awhile. Also, I finally managed to edit our French-toasted tuna sandwich adventure down to 10 minutes. Huzzah for ridiculous recipes from the I Love America Diet!

The Sexy Gay Jesus answers an etiquette question nobody asked Him

2011-11-17T17:22:00.000-05:00

My Loving Worshipers,

Sexy Gay Jesus here. It's been a while since I've written, I know. It seems nobody needs my advice anymore, so I've been hanging out with the Occupy crowd in New York, inspiring people, protesting greed, helping heal the sick and trench-footed, and circle-drumming:

I'm the guy with the beard, obvs.

Anyway, after getting evicted from the park a few nights ago, I decided to take a protest break and come back to Boringtown, Ohio to see if Lauren had gotten any life advice questions for me. She hadn't. But as I was trolling Yahoo! I saw a question submitted to Dear Abby that I think I could really add some perspective to:

Dear Abby:
Whenever I receive a business communication from someone unknown to me with my first name in the salutation, as in "Dear Robert," it immediately goes into the trash.

Being addressed by my first name in this context is just plain wrong. Since I don't know the person who is sending the correspondence, I find the informal tone to be highly improper...
I have been accused of being "old school." However, there are rules and guidelines governing written communication, and it seems as though they are being ignored. Would you please inform people about the proper way to write? -- CALL ME "MISTER C.," SAN JOSE, CALIF.

Dear Mr. Cock (I just decided that's what the C stands for),

You need to chill the fuck out. You are "old school," and not in a Fab Five Freddy kind of way. Yes, sometimes people presume too much familiarity in correspondence and in personal interaction, but some (most?) of us don't give a shit if people call us by our first names (Unless they are creepy, in which case we prefer that they not know our names at all). Do you think people would like me as much as they do if I ran around insisting people call me MISTER Christ all the time? And sure, while I appreciate a good beatifying title like "Our Dear Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Son of God, Redeemer of the World, Jehovah, Prince of Peace, Light of the World, the Way the Truth and the Life, Lamb of God, King of the Jews, etc., etc.," that just takes too long for everyday use. And depending on which industry you work in, formality standards may be in flux. I am pleased to see, though, that you both adhere to old-fashioned etiquette standards AND can use the internet with some competence! It is possible that one of those first name-users may actually be an important client or contact though, so I am not sure just deleting those messages is a good idea. I'm assuming you continue to work somewhere stodgy, in which case I recommend you reply to all overly informal emails as passive-aggressively as possible. Por ejemplo:

Dear MS. Soandso,

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately, both Dear Abby and I think you know nothing about business etiquette. I prefer not to be addressed by my first name by anyone, including my wife and my parents. I am afraid your business will ultimately fail because you have mis-gauged the proper level of formality. I have spent YEARS earning my title of "Mr." through being male and over eighteen and insist it be used at all times in order to show the proper respect to a man of my status.

Get off my lawn.

Sincerely,
MISTER R. COCK

I think this could be a really effective networking tool for you.

Love and vodka shots,

THE Sexy Gay Jesus, Ph.DEITY

This is what I have to offer, America

2011-11-17T02:13:00.000-05:00

At least one guy I kind of know got totally police-brutalized in New York the other night while I fascinatedly watched eviction live feeds from under a cozy quilt on my couch and avoided doing my homework. I thought I should head down to Occupy BG the next day to show solidarity, but the next day was Tuesday which is my worst/busiest day and there is nothing worse than a busy lazy person. But what I'm saying is is that important are happening out there in the world AND random former VP-related trolls come by really old posts to tell me I have blasphemed their forebear's name and am clearly not a nice person and so now I am going to be mean about Pluggers again. I never SAID I was nice!

The economy is so bad, Pluggers have turned to candy stores to feed their children. Though I'm pretty sure Congress just declared green candy a vegetable anyway.

I was disturbed to see this giant bear-coach with these tiny PeeWee animal football players in the locker room after some recent news in the sporting/raping world, that's all.

Pluggers will use any excuse for a good drunk-dial binge.

Fact: My mother used to threaten us with episodes of The Lawrence Welk Show if we were bad. So many bubble hairdos and matching formal '70s outfits with sappy arrangements of easy-listening favorites and old standards, you guys. SO MANY.

Middle-aged Plugger-chicken-ladies' lives are so empty, they've turned into writing utensil kleptomaniacs.

Why is Anti-Halloween Christian Fundamentalist Grandpa Plugger trying to terrify the small child with his reenactment of the crucifixion? That's almost as bad as giving out toothbrushes or this poor excuse for candy.

I'm sure those outdated reference books will come in handy after the Soviets cause a nuclear holocaust and you are forced to live in your underground bunker/bomb shelter/compound and you need to teach your inbred grandchildren about what life was like on the Surface.

Two items of business

2011-11-15T21:51:00.001-05:00

1. I made a preview/outtakes vid for the French Toasted Tuna Sandwich recipe of the I Love America Diet:

2. Via Shakesville's Quote of the Day by Herman Cain:

"The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is."

As a former Godfather's Pizza employee, I have to say that it wasn't very manly when we got trained to count how many pieces of pepperoni we could put on each pizza or when we had to weight how much cheese we used. Holding back our masculine expression by limiting how many toppings we could put on was BULLSHIT, H.C. Bullshit.

UPDATE: Here's that awkward Pat Robertson old man exercising clip Will references in the video:

Pat Robertson Presses 2000 Lbs. - Watch the top videos of the week here

Semi-guiltily sleeping through the revolution*

2011-10-29T20:57:00.001-04:00

Oh, hey guys. I've heard some rumors that some political things are happening in this country right now. I have heard that ~~regular people~~ dirty, jobless hippies who hate America have been taking to the streets to express their displeasure with the economic crisis and how the federal government spends all its time calling each other names and getting reelected instead of working on that whole crisis thing--but I guess that's only okay to do if you are conservative and carrying a gun. But whatever, we hear in Little Apathetic College Town, Ohio have an OCCUPY of our own! Can you believe that? And the fact that only 1/35 students had even heard of Occupy Wall Street three or four weeks in actually has driven me to attend more than one event! Yes, their apathy was so strong that it actually broke mine!

But unfortunately I am lazy and hate joining groups and making commitments and showing up places and doing things, so I haven't done much, but I have participated in more than one general assembly meeting! And they are so long and so full of kind, well-meaning people who think we should vote on how we will decide which decisions we should put up on Facebook and whatnot. Anyway, I am conflicted by guilt by not feeling inspired to do more. Protest corporate banks downtown? But it's Friday, and I need a nap. Make the movement visible on campus on a Saturday morning? Did you say Saturday morning? Bitch, please.** Also: it is getting COLD. And I lived in Minnesota, I know winter, but I do not like winter. I consider winter something one must pass through hurriedly between heated buildings/drinking establishments. I do not consider winter something I need to sit in for a cause. I will never be that hardcore. (Re: that link- 21ST CENTURY TRENCH FOOT! That should be a band name.)

See, I feel solidarity with the Occupy movement in general because I went to hippie liberal arts college and I am poor. Our economic inequality is pretty extreme here in America and one of the main reasons I am considering abandoning an academic career is the severe lack of job or financial security in my future. This guy cleverly explains the situation. Assuming I decide to finish and get my degree, I will be part of a two-PhD couple competing for the same scant jobs. We're probably looking at years of trying to patch together a decent household income adjuncting. Adjunct instructors have no security (semester-to-semester contracts, no benefits, considered "part-time") and also get stuck with all the intro/required courses. I don't know if you guys know this, but the kids who are in these classes do not want to be there. Here is another fact: neither does the instructor.

So friends, I have now shared with you my conflicted feelings from my cozy warm couch. Now enjoy this ridiculous Herman Cain "Imagine" parody video I jacked from Wonkette:

FUN FACT: My first real job (post-paper route) was at a Godfather's Pizza.

*And not in a tent in a park or a brick courtyard or any of that shit.
**Sleep is far more important to me than political action, clearly.

UPDATE: I should also mention that I actually am quite busy during the week. I've got lesson plans and grading and hundreds of pages of reading and classes to go to and office hours to sit in and sleep sometimes when I'm not too anxious between assignment due dates. So, it's only, like, 53% laziness. It's when I DO have free time that I actually feel guilty about not getting out of my sleeping Burrow to protest shit.

The I Love America Diet Caters Your Next Party!

2011-10-27T15:29:00.000-04:00

Guys, have you been looking for that perfect snack to serve your friends that will impress them and also fill them with cheese, patriotism, and federal dietary standards? Phyllis Ann George has come through for you, then!

Brock and I made the Beef and Cheese Log. It is as ridiculous as it sounds:

The Sexy Gay Jesus is ALMOST Portrayed in Film

2011-10-07T01:11:00.000-04:00

Remember our friend the Sexy Gay Jesus? This is the latest thing he endorses:

The play-within-the-movie also features accompaniment by the Tucson Gay Men's Chorus, so it's basically a tribute to Our Homosexualest Lord and Savior. Hey, it's been a while, but if you have any queries about life, the universe, or whatever, the Sexy Gay Jesus is still open for advice-giving. Email me your questions (lauren dot chesnut at gmail dot com), and I'll make sure he gets them and answers them while at least marginally sober.

Happy sexy Christ times!

Understanding the basics of the I Love America Diet

2011-10-06T01:32:00.000-04:00

This weekend my buddy Brock came over and worked on some I Love America Diet stuff. By finishing the birthday Kraken and taking one costumed late-night trip to Wal-Mart for supplies, we were able to produce enough material for two videos. This first lays out some basic elements of the diet and tells you how to manage your boozing in a skinny and patriotic way. The construction of the beef and cheese log to come soon!

(Excuse the video quality, I can only do so much with a built-in webcam and a really bright lamp on one side and whatever, it's good enough for comedy.)

Neglecting Pluggers hurts us all

2011-09-29T15:51:00.003-04:00

Kids, I know I am a remiss blogger what with my "real life" and "laziness" and this week "illness" getting in my way, but there is no excuse for how long it has been since I mocked America's laziest comic: Pluggers. I hope to make it up to all of you by countering its salt-of-the-earth sincerity with my signature bitchiness that ruins everything good in this world. YOU HEAR THAT, RANDOM INTERNET COMMENTERS AND/OR CERTAIN COMIC STRIP ARTISTS WHO DON'T LIKE MY CRITICISM: I am mean and "disrespectful" and I like it. Just trying to balance out the universe against everybody with good intentions in a relatively harmless sort of way. I'm basically preventing genocide through snarkiness. Or I'm just lazy and mean. Whatevs. Pluggers:

I don't understand this one. Was taping shows off of TV once considered copyright infringement? Because I think we've moved beyond that by now. But seriously, who still tapes shit? Or are they just re-watching old episodes of '80s shows? DON'T PLUGGERS KNOW ABOUT CABLE? It's called "syndication" and "Nick at Nite," bitchez.

If we take oven to = uterus, as in "she's got a bun in the 'oven'"--then I don't even want to know what lady Pluggers keep up there between bouts of reproduction.

While I am proud to say that my first job at age eleven was a paper route, I know damn well that there will be no more print newspapers by the time I am able to "retire" at age 85 in 2068 and will have to work as a greeter at the Wal-Mart® Retirement Village/Human Organ Storage and Retrieval Zone all senior "citizens" will be forced into once Social Security collapses two or three years from now.

Pluggers have a patriotic bumper sticker addiction problem. Either that, or they really would forget about 9/11 without the constant reminders. Years of prescription drug abuse can do that to you.

Pluggers all received inferior public education. Shockingly.

Pluggers' lives are an unending parade of microwave dinners, death, and ill-fitting clothing. I don't know why microwave dinners, but it seems like something they'd eat while watching barely functional VHS copies of old Murder, She Wrote episodes.

If that mug were full of booze and that rhino just pretended that spill hadn't happened, I could be a Plugger. Barely dodged bullet. Phew.

Richard Nixon: I think we all know too much already

2011-09-29T03:26:00.001-04:00

If I had a mansion and an unlimited government budget, I'd build a bowling alley in my house too. So impeach me!

Richard Milhous Nixon was one of four sons born to a Quaker family in California in 1913. A sickly child, he was not a great athlete, but excelled as a debater in school, was a good student, and helped run his dad's grocery store. Though he earned a tuition scholarship to Harvard, Richard stayed close to home to help take care of his family because of sickness/death/obligation. He went to Whittier College, where he was originally snubbed by some literary douchebags and had some girflriend or something. He then earned a full scholarship to Duke University Law School. He competed with his classmates to successfully to keep his scholarship, became a school leader, and graduated third in his class. He was a try-hard to say the least.

The Richard tried to join the FBI, but eneded up being admitted to the bar and working in corporate and probate law in California. He did not want to do divorce cases, though, because single ladies who were sexually active apparently made him uncomfortable. Shock, shock. Richard M. met his wife Pat Ryan in a local theater production. (Undubitably a less sexy situation than Who Am I This Time?) But after he wore her down, they finally got married in 1940 and later had two daughters, Tricia and Julie. They moved to D.C. and R.Nix joined the Navy in 1942 because that's what you did then. He wanted some action but ended up never seeing any combat in the South Pacific.

Then he was chosen by some smoke-filled room to represent the California 12th District in Congress, a seat he won on an anti-Communist campaign. In the House of Representatives, Nixard was on HUAC (also shock), and served a key role in the Alger Hiss case. Tricky Dick was reelected in 1948 and subsequently used more of his Communist scare tactics to win a Senate seat in 1950. He and the infamous McCarthy were totes buddies. Nixon criticized Truman's Korean War policies. Then, in a sudden promotion, Nixon was chosen as Eisenhower's running mate in 1952, and was totally willing to do all the campaign dirty work. At one point, though, he was driven to give his famous Checkers speech about the family dog in order to ward off allegations that he was accepting unauthorized campaign funds. Or something. So Dick and Ike were successful and won the executive branch that year.


Remember when dudes unironically called themselves "Dick"? Me neither.

mysterious white-ish film. BUT ANYWAY: RNix was all set to run for prez in his own right in 1960. But he had the tragic misfortune of running against one of America's most attractive presidential candidates (besides his brother who was hotter but got shot earlier in his career, if I may be so crass/complimentary). Then they debated on TV, and words no longer mattered, only the activity of one's sweat glands, and Nixon did not look cute with a 5:00 shadow and blahblahblah voter fraud and Kennedy won.

Losey McLoser Nixon moved his family back to California where he practiced law and unsuccessfully ran for governor in 1962. After Alger Hiss said some shit about him on TV, the public gained a little bit more sympathy for the DickNix, and he took the opportunity to move back East to NYC where he practiced law some more. He wouldn't run again for president in 1964, but instead supported other Losey McLoser Goldwater in '64 and Republican congressional candidates in '66. I don't know if you guys know this, but some shit happened in America during the '60s. (DUH. Didn't you watch that terrible Julia Stiles and Jerry O'Connell-starring miniseries from the '90s that Isaac used as an excuse to ask me over to his place to hang out during the one week we were only "hanging out" before we become an official couple on Facebook and everything?! Because from what I remember between disgustingly strong cups of Kamchatka and some sort of unimportant mixer is that it was terrible.) Anyway, there was some escalation in the 'Nam and RFK got killed and Johnson though it best not to run again, and basically it was the best time ever to try to be president again.

So Rilhous became the Republican nominee on the first ballot and chose little-remembered but totally resignatory VP Spiro T. Agnew as his running mate. Nix-O ran against former MACALESTER COLLEGE Poli Sci professor Hubert Humphrey and used phrases like "peace with honor" and "law and order" (totally not racist dog whistle terms about urban unrest) and something about a "secret plan" to end the war in Vietnam to win. Also, there was George Wallace who I read a biography about in a 20th century American history class a couple of years ago and he was crazy but later pretended not to be racist but seriously he was never actually going to win but was surprisingly successful but managed not to spoil this election anyway, and Nixon won. FINALLY.

As president, Ricardo Nixono went to China and made out with Mao (diplomatically), he bombed Cambodia and invaded Laos, which was totally a de-escalation of the war if he said it was. He totally overreacted to the 1971 publishing of the Pentagon Papers, interfered in Chile (sorry, Chile), signed the SALT I treaty, and let the draft end in 1973. He had some sort of doctrine in the Middle East, but sold people arms, reluctantly supported Israel, and helped bring about the first of many oil crises. He didn't object to the EPA/save the earth hippie shit brought before him, but he didn't so much like Ted Kennedy's "universal healthcare" ideas. While those one dudes were on the moon, they called President Nixon and had what was an assuredly awkward conversation. He totally did not benefit from that alleged "Southern strategy" which never existed, but he did claim his 1972 opponent George McGovern was totally for "amnesty, abortion, and acid." Though if that were true, I have to say he'd have gotten my hippie-ass vote. Unfortunately I was not to be born for over a decade.

ANYWAY: RMN got reelected HARD. But not so long after, there was this weird hotel scandal of some kind. Nixon ended up resigning over it, but luckily his handpicked successor Gerald Ford was able to pardon him for any crimes he totally unknowingly may have or have not committed. After a short but serious illness, Nixon participated in what would become political movie porn for Aaron Sorkin fans, the 1975 Frost/Nixon interviews. (Listen, if The Damn United or 30 Rock wasn't enough to make you love Michael Sheen [not a brother of Charlie], this will. Who knew 1970s TV host smarm could be so attractive?) Anyway, he knew he'd been a sleaze. At least on some level.

Then Richard Nixon wrote a bunch of books and supported that totally obscure Reagan guy, attended the funeral of the notorious Shah of Iran, and eventually died of a stroke in 1994 in New Jersey. Richard Nixon has been played by many actors. Since I was in fourth grade when he died, two decades after he left office in disgrace, these fictional depictions are my strongest memories of him as a president. It is strange to me that though he was such an important person in recent U.S. history and our lifetimes overlapped, I don't remember anything about him outside of his historical or cultural legacy. But seriously, did I mention how fucking good Frost/Nixon was? Because I just saw that recently. He's almost a sympathetic character--who DRUNK DIALS. Not that I would ever do anything like that. Would I, friends?

Quote o' the Day

2011-09-28T21:15:00.000-04:00

As per usual, Svutlana uses her adorably eccentric idiomatic English to give great sex advice [I swear that I am not the letter writer she references]:

At best you tolerate each other sexual tastes and if be in moods pretend for like, but easy listen will always feel unnatural for you and you will never be able for orgasm for Josh Groban.

Profuse apologize Svutlana for last times, but in ends you may need for dump easy listen fiancé and find heavy metal lover, Ms Ohio.

SRSLY. Love.

The I Love America Diet

2011-09-17T00:55:00.000-04:00

Oh hi America,

Sorry I haven't written in so long. The thing is, I've been busy solving your goddamn obesity crisis. You're welcome:

I would like to thank the ROCKSTAR Company for saving my life once again

2011-09-01T17:40:00.000-04:00

Friends, I am in my office hours right now. I am required to sit in my office for a number of hours each week so I am available to students. Even if my students knew where the building where my office is, they would not come. No, they only come if they have to make up a quiz or talk to me about a paper (try-hards), and we haven't had any of those things yet, so they're definitely not coming by. But before I showed up late to the office hours I myself scheduled but it doesn't matter because no one will ever come, I went for a run. Yes friends, a run. As I believe I've mentioned here before, my "running" is more like "jogging and gasping for air while sweating profusely," but "running" is a more concise description. Anyway, Ohio swamp summer had been taking a break for about a week, but today it was like, "Fuck you guys, HUMIDITY YUCKYUCK AGAIN." Because apparently the weather is a foul-mouthed five year-old.

Anyway, I was running in a far less shady area than usual today because of course I chose today to "switch it up" and "explore." Anyway, it was terrible and hot and the air was heavy with mocking bits of moisture. My lungs were like, "Where is the oxygen?" And my limbs were like, "Stop trying to move me." And I basically had to keep stopping to walk a bit and I felt like one of these:

Get it? SLUGGISH?

But with lots and lots of sweat instead of slime. Basically, I got real dehydrated. And then I had to ride my bike home, shower real quick, and show up late to these office hours. But I stopped at my local Bro Supplies Depot and picked up another one of these Rockstar Recovery guys. This time I chose grape flavor.

Now, me and real grapes are only friends in champagne and red wine forms. Me and artificial grape flavor have an even more ambivalent relationship. Sometimes I am like, "Oh, it is sweet and contrast-y with all the other flavors I like better like yellow and green and orange for their citric content." Other times I am like, "This purple shit tastes sickly sweet and/or like poorly disguised cough medicine!" So I was vaguely nervous about my decision to drink the grape. I want you to know that I do not regret this choice. The Rockstar Recovery flavors are non-carbonated and relatively subdued (but not in a gross, mixed-with-tea kind of way). I had a dehydration headache when I got to the office, but through a magical combination of lots of water, this drink, and most of a bag of Gardetto's, I almost feel human again. I should really know better than to exercise.

Anyway, I re-endorse this product in grape this time. I am nervous that the lemonade flavor would make me feel more dehydrated, you know, the way that actual lemonade is kind of like that. But I can't know until I try it, I suppose. I also picked up a Lo-Carb Monster to review soon, so look forward to that since I know it won't last long in my fridge at home.

GWB Nat Geo 9/11 Interview Live-Blog

2011-08-28T22:01:00.006-04:00

Ten years later, George W. Bush tells the Nat Geo channel about his "personal" 9/11 story. His face still makes me want to punch something. Mostly his face.

GWB tells us about his 9/11 morning run in Florida. His Secret Service wear little running shorts, and he's got knee-length shorts of some kind (BROOOO). How has he not aged in the past three years? It probably helps not being president anymore.

Georgie talks about sitting in the classroom and getting news of the second tower. His job is to protect people like children from attacks. He didn't want to freak out the kids, so he kept reading the goat book until he could make an escape. I love how he never calls our country the United States. It's always "'Merica." He tried to say "horror" just now, and it came out "horah." I think that's a subliminal reference to the clear Jewish conspiracy surrounding 9/11. Oh, the third plane was a "declaration of war." On American architecture. Oh, the stewardesses on Air Force One were sad and scared. Luckily, Bush gave them Presidential Hugs. He had to get back to D.C. to "make the decisions to protect the homeland." They wouldn't let him go back right away, though.

He just referred to the hijackers as "the enemy." There was a "lot of sadness on Air Force One." OMG picture from the plane that day and his ridiculous belt buckle. He told the Air Force to shoot down commercial planes that didn't respond. Isaac (local expert) says Cheney gave that order and that it was later. Bush keeps talking about being a "wartime president." Now he's talking about DECIDING in "the fog of war." There are few things he loves more than decisionating.

GWB felt a lot of frustration that day. God, I should be playing a drinking game for "decision" or "decide." It was "awesome" to hear Laura's voice from a secure location and know she was okay. AF1 finally lands in Louisiana for some reason. The "kid" who drove him at the AF base there was driving too fast! He just said "in-u-un-dated." Apparently there were too many images of Alaskan natives on TV that day. Bush records his speech. Remember "faceless coward"? This is less an "interview" than only GWB's words, though presumably in response to somebody's questions and then edited later. They next flew GWB to another base in Nebraska. Even faceless cowards don't want to go to Nebraska. CIA director George Tenet first mentioned Al Qaeda as possible perpetrators. But Bush insisted they let him go back to Washington because "I damn sure wasn't going to give [orders] from a bunker in Nebraska."

Giorgio finally gets back to D.C. He talks about flying past the Pentagon in Marine One. There's footage of him swaggering across the White House lawn. 'Cause COWBOY. He's like, "Everybody wanted me to declare war that day, but I totally restrained myself, bitchez." His evening speech needed to be equal parts touchy-feely and nakedly aggressive. Both of which sound sexy, so that's basically perfect. Poor Bushie tells us how he had trouble sleeping. He was told late that night that the White House was under attack. He is sure to tell us that he grabbed Laura and their dogs to go to the bunker. It was but an errant F-16. He knew some pretty "consequential" days were about to unfold.

Now it's September 12th. He called the terrorists "thugs." Nice. That has absolutely no racial connotations. Apparently, oceans don't actually protect us from attack. Who knew? He says going to the "site of the death" was part of the healing process, which was apparently a day or so long. God, footage of him at the WTC site with Rumsfeld. Fucking Rumsfeld. They started talking about Iraq being involved on September 15th. (Isaac claims this is also untrue, BTWs.) Bush was again "determined" to send a blunt message about justice and also pursuing justice and achieving justice. 9/11 caused him to "make many decisions." DRINK. Wartime president again. ANOTHER DRINK.

Bush is now talking about heading down into the WTC site by helicopter. I think he's getting a little bit choked up. For some reason, he feels like he must shake everybody's hands. Ew gross, first responders "U.S.A." chant. The pile of rubble he got up on was a destroyed fire truck. How apropos. He's groping that firefighter. Totally off-the-cuff megaphoning. The crowd can't hear him, but HE HEARS THEM. Jingoistic chanting continues. "The terrorists never won." Then why did you keep saying liberals were helping them do so? "They just didn't understand us." Apparently America is an angsty teenager.

President Obama called Bush personally to tell him about Bin Laden's death. Bush did not feel any jubilation, however. Just more justice. Blahblahblah cowboy president. I don't miss you. The end.

First Time Teacher Thoughts

2011-08-26T03:36:00.000-04:00

Me: Whoa, that's my syllabus? It looks so professional!

Voice of reason: You copied and pasted most of that shit from other people's syllabi.

Me: Oh yeah. Other people are so good at being professional.

Pardon Me While I Deal with My Existential Crisis

2011-08-25T03:52:00.001-04:00

Listen people who still sometimes check this blog (sister, old roommate, friend from high school), I know I've been neglecting you. I know you need my magical comedic stylings to help you get through your days sitting in a cubicle or teaching the world about history or helping kids learn how to talk or whatever it is you do, but I am having a CRISIS. And I desperately want to finish my Richard Nixon Wikipedia research so I can bring you one of my famous presidential posts, but right now I hate everything. I hate school. I hate academia. I hate teaching. I hate this town. I hate not being able to leave it or go anywhere because we are poor and have no car. I hate that there are so many douchebags in this town/world. I hate that trying to expand my horizons just brings me into greater contact with douchebags. I hate TV even though I love TV. I hate all my hobbies (I have like, 2 besides TV, OKAY?). I hate hot weather. I hate my allergies. I hate my lack of future job prospects. I hate that I can't even drop out of school because I can't afford to lose my assistantship and Isaac and I have become accustomed to our fancy life in this house with cable and air conditioning and multiple rooms and everything.

So anyway, I clearly need to go get my Prozac dose cranked back up another notch, but in the meantime I'm rewatching all of these to make myself forget my general life malaise and laugh for a couple of minutes at a time:

If one of my students gave this presentation, said student would get an A. My students will never be this hilariously clever, however. I haven't known them long enough to hate them yet, at least.*

*Disclaimer for non-friend audience: I totally don't hate my students! I'm a good teacher! And professional! I wore grownup clothes twice already this week! I really need this job right now!

Energy Drink Review: Loaded Cherry NOS

2011-08-19T18:00:00.001-04:00

Unfortunately, this drink did not actually make me want to put on a leather bikini thing.

I need to be working on my syllabus, and I'm like, "I don't want to." So perhaps a little bit of caffeinated motivation would help. I KNOW my last post was like two weeks ago and another energy drink review, but I've been feeling pretty unmotivated since the tragedy that was the Bachelorette finale. Goddamn it. I bought a trashy magazine that told me J.P. wasn't over his ex with a picture of Ashley not smiling on the cover of it, and then I read online that Ben was caught canoodling with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I continue to be filled with despair. Well, except for the five hours a day I watch Nanny 911 on Netflix Instant. Those parts of my life are pretty awesome.

Anyway, I dodged all the brand-new freshmen and their parents crowding this campus to find an energy drink I've never tried. Now, technically the classic orange NOS is my default for SERIOUS projects like overnight writing or driving. But there was a flavor I hadn't tried, so here we are. It's cherry. Excuse me: Loaded Cherry. I don't like real cherries, but I do like candy that tastes like "cherries" often, so we'll see how this goes and whether or not I ever sleep again. The can promises "enhanced mental focus," which is what I need right now, so it better not be lying.

FLAVOR: Okay, good. It tastes like a fruit punch-type "cherry" rather than a cough medicine-type cherry flavor. As it's gotten warmer, it kind of tastes like a melty red popsicle. Not a bad flavor.

EFFICACY: It's a NOS, so of course this shit is serious. I'm nearly halfway through, and I feel somewhat more focused, but I feel like it probably hasn't really hit me yet. I'm nearly done with it now, but I've been drinking it quite slowly. I feel more energetic and focused, but haven't experienced the jitters or rush I usually get with a NOS.

I would recommend the "Loaded Cherry" NOS. Not as intense as I expected, but still effective for concentration.

Energy Drink Review: Monster Absolutely Zero

2011-08-05T16:46:00.000-04:00

"Stop calling me soda pop!"

Friends, you may have guessed if I am doing an energy drink review that I am supposed to be doing something else. Correct you are! I have like 01897356789 papers and final exams to grade in the next several days, so I am sitting in my over-air conditioned office and getting ready to see how many of my students completely misread Forrest Gump. But! I have a Monster Absolutely Zero energy drink to help me along the way. I have tried it before, but luckily I didn't post about it. This Monster is special because its can is blue and purple and looks frozen. Also it has zero sugar and zero calories. According to the can copy, this drink utilizes a "new sweetener system," which I hope means chemicals that will give me a fun kind of cancer. Also, we should take note that "this ain't soda pop, dude!" Seriously, bro. Fuck that noise.

FLAVOR: Absolutely Zero, despite missing key elements of life on earth, actually has a lot of delicious flavor. I guess if I had to choose, I'd say it would fall under the "synthetic berry" category of fruitiness. It is also VERY smooth. If you hate most energy drinks for their chemical aftertaste (and foretaste, and duringtaste, let's be honest), but need massive amounts of caffeine delivered via not-coffee, this may be a good solution for you. Now I will attempt to grade some papers and let you know how I feel after drinking it for a bit.

EFFICACY: About halfway through the can, I am feel alert. Also, hungry. I'm glad I brought a granola bar with me. It still tastes good and seems to be working, though I have yet to tip over the edge into manic giddiness or more fidgeting than usual. Later: still not finished, but feeling slightly jittery and focusing well. Still later: I just finished the drink, and while I'm not experiencing a serious high, I drank it slowly and have felt consistently good energy throughout.

I'd recommend the Absolutely Zero. It's tasty and not overly strong (if that's what you're into).

Live-Blogging the "Bachelorette" Finale: Brocision Time

2011-08-01T20:00:00.017-04:00

Will it be everybody's favorite Dax Shepard lookalike?

Slap a fedora on the one on the right, and you've got twins!

Or everybody's favorite one-time Kirk Cameron lookalike?

Oh, it's not "fair" to make fun of 13 year-old J.P. WHATEVER.

So exciting! Fijian finale is going to rock so hard. She calls Ben "unique" and he makes her happy and comfortable. But she has "passion" with J.P. AKA she wants to do him all the time. Maybe not the best basis of a relationship, friend.

Ashley's family is here. Her sister looks like Kat Von D or something. The family's going to meet J.P. first. Ashley says she's in love and is ready to get engaged. But she doesn't have her mind made up. So... we'll see. The sister has to like them. She's got opinions!

J.P. has cleaned up to meet the fam. I disapprove of Ashley's flesh-colored elbow-length blouse thing talked into tiny white shorts. Shockingly I don't like something Ashley's wearing. Why is her brother rubbing the side of his face with a towel? The stepdad looks skeptical. Oh man, brother Elliot has a sweet bro-necklace of puca shells. Oh, I guess they're like all wearing them. Everybody's toweling themselves, it must be really humid. Ashley thinks her family's not being skeptical. Apparently J.P. doesn't make her laugh. Duh. He's a nice guy and sweet, but not funny.

The sister isn't feeling it. She says Ashley's "too much" for him with her youth and spunk. Ashley's crying. Her sister says she's more rational than Ashley. She's so confused! Her heart is broken because her sister doesn't see it with J.P. The mom is trying to get the sister to be nicer. Ashley's talking to her brother now. Weird. Talking to brothers about feelings is icky. Now the sister is telling J.P. she's not seeing it and I think he is horrified.

Stepdad says she shouldn't listen to Kristin since she hasn't even talked to him yet. God, J.P. and Kristin's convo is SO awkward. He's talking about how much he loves Ashley and their chemistry. Kristin is asking why someone so old wants to be with Ashley and saying she's too much for him and he won't want to change his life. God, she's kind of a bitch, but she's not wrong. Kristin thinks Ashley isn't being herself with J.P. She said Ashley had more chemistry with Brad from last season. BURN. J.P. is SO pissed and says she's full of bullshit (bleeped, during a separate interview, of course). He's worried Kristin's opinion will change Ashley's mind. Ashley admits she needs her family's approval, so she doesn't know what to do. I feel kind of bad for J.P. He's disappointed Ashley didn't say she'd disregard what her sister said. The only have one more date!

It's weird how the dudes still have to propose, even though Ashley is in control of the situation. That's just silly. She should propose to the dude she wants. It's not that big of a deal for girls to do it. I did. We were watching TV and drinking and I turned to Isaac and was like, "Hey, we've been talking about getting married for awhile, do you want to make it official?" So we did. And then we tried to find cheap rings at Wal-Mart, but none of them fit me, but it was an exciting drunken adventure anyway.

Back to the show: dramatic music. Ashley's worried Kristin's going to ruin everything with Ben, too. They're going to have a chat. Kristin thinks the J.P. thing won't last. Ashley tells her sister's being such a bitch. Kristin thinks Ashley wants her to tell her what she wants to hear. Is it Kris? Kristy? Whatever. Her sister refuses to sugarcoat things for her. Now the sister is crying to their mom now. Kris is bringing up Bentley as an example of how terrible Ashley's gut feelings are. I think Ashley is right that her sister is being bitchy (critical without any emotional support to cushion it), but I think she's also really upset because she knows Kris is right about J.P. (of course I think that), and she doesn't want to let him go.

Ben arrives at Ashley's family's compound. I heart Ben. I think he's brought them some wine. NICE. Ashley's t-shirt is pretty ugly, but better than her J.P.-day outfit. Ben describes his mom as "Martha Stewart." That makes sense with all the pearls. He has a Jack Russell terrier named "Scotch" that he talks to in a weird voice, and Ashley makes him do it for the family. They are having a fun time with the fam. Ashley's sister wears white pants and heels. Ridic. Kris has pulled Ben aside. Serious sister talk time. Ben is saying he knew he was in love with Ashley because they are like best friends. CUTE. Kris is totes feeling it. Ben gets a sister hug and a bro-shake from the brother. Nice. She knows Ben is right for her, but "can't forget" about her feelings for J.P. and isn't sure if she trusts her sister's opinions anymore. BULLSHIT. Fucking families always confusing a bitch.

Date with Ben. He's wearing a cute and silly straw hat thingy. Ben is so happy. It's sweet. They're going to helicopter somewhere! I don't know what Ashley thinks she feels with J.P. or if she's just worried things are "too" perfect with Ben, but she's an idiot if she picks J.P. They are going to have a healing mudbath. He says the mud is sexy. They are rubbing that shit all over each other.

Ben is TOTALLY going to drop the l-bomb tonight. For reals this time, you guys. Time for the nighttime portion of the date. He teases her that they have "serious, romantic things to talk about." They're drinking champagne just like me! Apparently Ben got Ashley's family's permission to propose to her. He is so nervous, but finally told her he's in love with her. Now they're totes making out. Hot. He doesn't think he's going to sleep tonight. Aww. Is it me, or are there like, 33% more commercial breaks this episode?

Now it's time for a J.P. date! It's sure to be totes emo. Ashley's sister's opinion made her "step back" from the passion and attraction and consider whether their relationship can really work. J.P.'s really upset about the sister still. J.P. says he knows Kris is wrong for sure. They have to consider "reality" now. They're talking about starting a new life together. It sounds like he'll have to give things up to be with her or something. J.P. tells her that he loves her. God, he's really red and sunburnt. He feels all vulnerable and exposed now. Now they're making out on the beach and Ashley's feeling all good again blahblahblah. Nighttime: they go "lay down for a little bit." J.P. gave her some cheesy letter/scrapbook thing. The first page says it's the first chapter of the "greatest love story ever told." EVER? Have you people not seen The Princess Bride!? She says she "gets lost in J.P." Lame. I hate this. I kind of wish she'd gotten rid of Ben earlier because I'm going to be REALLY sad if he gets dumped in the end. J.P. claims that Ashley may love both of them, but can only be in love with one of them. I'm not sure that makes complete sense.

You're killing me, Ashley. Ugh, I am so not happy this is happening. I wish I didn't have a crush on Ben, because this could be sad for me. The things she says about Ben sounds better to me, but maybe "romance" and "passion" are the most important things to her. Ben's now picking out some blood diamonds for Ashley. Ben and the ring guy are having a heart-to-heart about how great it is that they were friends first and then become more romantic. I'm assuming he didn't actually have to pay for that ridiculous shit. J.P. goes to look at rings. Ben talks about how confident he is of their relationship and J.P. talks about how anxious he is for resolution. The ring guy asks what happens if she says no to his proposal? Do they both propose and she accepts one? How awkward! Last time we watched The Bachelorette, the woman sent all but one dude home before the proposal.

I think this last half hour may give me a heart attack. Ashley's dress is all feathery on the bottom. I've seen her wear worse, though. Ben stares at the ring next to the airplane window. Nice, very contemplative.

"Who am I to break this guy's heart?" Ashley says of Ben!?! He's first. Is she really going to reject him? I am NOT happy right now. Ben's talking about his dead dad now. Oh no.... He's not letting her reject him. Oh, good. I can't handle this! Now he's down on his knees proposing! She pulls him up and says "I'm sorry." He didn't see it coming. Good god. Stupid Ashley. He seems confused. I am too. He walks away. She wants to talk more, I'm not sure that's useful. Just let him go. He doesn't want this. She's upset that he's leaving upset. Just let him be. "Good things don't end unless they end badly," he says. He tells her sarcastically that she and J.P. are sure to have a "nice life together." Good one. Does she want a pat on the back from the guy whose heart she just broke? Ben keeps saying the F-word because he is upset. I am so sad for him. He thinks maybe he was wrong about being in love. Ashley's a wreck about it.

I knew it was bad she had the last date with J.P. Fuck that guy. I don't care how happy they think they are, she did the stupidest thing since Bentley by rejecting Ben. I guess all this shit is meant to disappoint those of us who aren't idiots. This is what I get for fucking watching The Bachelorette. Blahblahblah, J.P. arrives and he's going to be a great husband and father, according to Dumbassley. I am so bored with this. Now he's giving a stupid speech and I just don't care because he's not Ben. "Leap of faith" blahblahblah. Is he still talking? Just ask her, goddammit. She loves him too, kiss kiss boring, happy music, fancy camera work. Now he's FINALLY getting down on his knee. Isaac has betrayed Ben by smiling at their happiness. He was an early J.P. fan. Is this R.E.O. Speedwagon? Fuck you, ABC, I love this song. I guess people who choose to find a mate on a reality show enjoy fantasy and bullshit ideas about romance and passion and reject real awesomeness. Ashley pins the rose on him and calls him "Baby." I hate everything right now. Ew. Stupid Bachelorette.

Oh, is it the reunion right now? 100% of the audience is ladies. Ben is here to talk about his rejection. The audience loves him though, rightly. Chris Harrison makes Ben rewatch the rejected proposal. I have to mute this. The reunion facial expression is kind of inscrutable. Poor Ben. I hope he's getting a lot of action now. Chris Harrison tells Ben his feelings were clearly very "genuine," whatever that means. Ben says it was a LONG flight home from Fiji. He had to go to his best friend's wedding right afterward! Oh no.

Oh, Ashley's died her hair really dark, I don't think I like it. He told her "nice ring," and the audience was horrified. A joke! She just said some crap about having to follow your heart. Oh, she felt bad about breaking his heart. She was shocked he got angry at his rejection. He's diplomatically thanking her for helping him open up emotionally. This convo is awkward. She referred to J.P. as a "magnet" for her. The explanation for their love, I guess, is electrical.

I don't know if I can watch the rest of this. I don't understand why anger is such a surprise from a rejected person. Okay, I don't care about J.P. Forget this. You can watch the rest yourself.

Grover Cleveland: That Mustache Is Hiding More than a Tumor!

2011-07-28T17:27:00.000-04:00

Young Cleves: dapper.

America's 22nd and 24th president Stephen Grover Cleveland was born the fifth of nine children to a Presbyterian minister and his wife in New Jersey in 1837. He never went as Stephen as an adult because Sesame Street didn't exist back then, so he couldn't be teased as Super Grover or anything. G.R.over grew up in New York state and was known as sporty type who enjoyed practical jokes. His father died in 1853, so Groves left school to try and help support his large family. His older brother got a teaching job at a school for the blind in NYC and hooked up G-roves with an assistant teaching position for a while. He was offered college scholarships if he would undertake the ministerial profession. But he said no. He probably mostly just hated Jesus.

He moved to Buffalo, NY where his uncle hooked him up with some sweet contacts. Grover became a law clerk and then passed the bar in 1859. He practiced some law and then became Assistant District Attorney for Erie County in 1863. By this time, of course, the Civil War was all "I'm raging and I swear this is totally not all about black people, but let's be honest, it is." Anyway, the Union was requiring all able-bodied dudes of a certain age to enlist unless they had money, and Grover Cleveland was like, "I do not think I want to get dirty in this war. I will pay a Polish immigrant, like, $150 to take my place." And so he did! And so he was the first president elected after the Civil War not to be a veteran. Besides Johnson, duh.

Though he made a good living lawyering it up in Buffalo, ol' Clevey lived a spartan lifestyle and sent money to support his mom and younger sisters. Despite the political currents of the time, Cleveland was all about the Democratic Party. He was elected Sheriff of Erie County in 1871, in which office he personally hanged two people. Murderers, you know, not just regular people or something. After his term as sheriff, Cleves went back to private practice and opened a firm with friends. He was elected mayor of the city of Buffalo in 1881. He was all honest and shit as a politician. He was the third choice for Democratic nominee for New York's governor in 1882, but ended up winning. He started his veto-heavy legacy here. He was against unnecessary spending and made himself many enemies with NYC's Tammany Hall. He did make friends with reform-minded Republicans of the time like TR though.

Should've kept those plaid pants buttoned up, bro!

He was nominated for president by the party in 1884 and defeated James G. Blaine with support from Mugwump Republicans. It is a funny name for a political faction! During the election, everybody was like, "Grover Clover, you totes have an illegitimate babayy!" And Cleveland's campaign was all like, "Well, he might be the father of Oscar Folsom Cleveland, so he did the stand-up thing and paid child support." Oscar Folsom (Sr.?) was his law partner, but Cleveland was single and Folsom wasn't, so he took responsibility since the mother was full of sluttiness. Anyway, some of Blaine's supporters said bad shit about Catholics and the Irish voted for Cleveland enough to win. And then he was president! He did a lot of vetoing and didn't like silver monies or the spoils system or high tariffs. He invaded less foreign countries than other presidents, but was not so racially progressive since he approved of both Chinese Exclusion and the Dawes Act and thought Reconstruction had been a waste of time.

But the big story of his first term of office was that he married Oscar Folsom's daughter Frances at the White House in 1886. She was 21 at the time and they eventually had five kids. Cleveland is the only president to get married at the White House/during his term of office. Oscar was dead by now and Cleveland had helped take care of his estate and to raise Frances. So that is kind of weird. Also, Frances' dad and husband had been fucking the same lady at the same time and either she had an illegitimate stepson named after her father and/or her husband paid child support for her half brother. So, it's a little bit incestuous, is what I am saying.

Kind of almost daughter wife?

Back to politics! Cleveland's VP Hendricks died in 1885, so he got a new running mate for the 1888 reelection campaign who I refuse to look up. He ran against legacy candidate Benjamin Harrison, and despite winning the popular vote again, was bumped out of the Electoral College by widespread voter fraud in Indiana. Does this story sound familiar to anybody? But anyway, a defeated Cleveland moved to New York City and practiced law for a few years. He reentered public life with a letter protesting the adoption of silver-based currency in 1891. So the Democratic Party was like, "We've only gotten one dude elected in, like 35 years, so maybe we should try that Cleveland guy again." He was nominated for the presidency in 1892 with greenback-supporting Adlai Stevenson, Sr. as his running mate. President Harrison's wife was dying of TB during the campaign, so he did no personal electioneering. Out of respect for Harrison's personal situation, Cleveland didn't go out and campaign himself either. Many Republicans defected to the Populist Party candidate during this election, leading to Cleveland's third popular vote win (in a row), and second successful election.

During his second term, things kind of turned to shit in America, as they do frequently. The Panic of 1893 led to a serious economic depression and a shortage of gold meant to back up the U.S. dollar. Treasury reform led to a re-adoption of the gold standard. There was a messy congressional fight over tariff reform, but it did end up lowered somewhat. There were lots of labor problems (shock shock, workers don't like depressions), and Cleveland notoriously decided to send U.S. troops in to break up the Pullman strike. Cleveland was like, "Railroads deliver mail, and nobody fucks with the mail, and you strikers just shut up and stop bugging me or we will shoot you." The annexation of Hawaii was also pushed through Congress during Cleveland's second term, which was totally awesome and supported by native Hawaiians. Haha, just kidding, of course! Cleveland broadly interpreted the Monroe Doctrine during this term, intervening all over the place in Latin America, though he was pre-Roosevelt Corollary, so he has no foreign policies named after him.

At the beginning of his second term, though, Cleveland had some mouth cancer and got secret boat-based surgery to remove the tumor. 1. I want to read this book so hard and 2. I am also pleased that his mustache was used to hide his surgery scars and whatnot. Facial hair for the win, bitchez! Anyway, he survived and served out his term, but wasn't interested in running for a third term in 1896. He and his wife retired to their mansion in Princeton, New Jersey and he served as a trustee of Princeton for a time while Wilson was university president. At some point he told the Ladies' Home Journal that "sensible women" had no interest in suffrage. Clearly. He got sick in 1907 and ultimately died of a heart attack in 1908. He's buried in Princeton. A presidential library for him is being discussed currently in Buffalo, he appeared on $1000 bills in 1928 and 1934 (who had that much money then?), and also there is a volcano in Alaska named after him. I think the volcano wins for best legacy.

The Sexy Gay Jesus Blesses Your Protest

2011-07-28T14:55:00.000-04:00

The Most Hilariously Effective Signs Supporting Gay Marriage:

I mean SRSLY. Think about it.

Douchetastic Times

2011-07-28T04:20:00.000-04:00

I love that Summer's Eve never mentions that every doctor ever recommends that you NEVER EVER use their products.

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Second to Last "Bachelorette" Live-Blogging (w/ bonus presidential speeching)

2011-07-25T19:59:00.013-04:00

Who will Ashley spend the night with? Will J.P. be filled with jealous rage? How long until Ashley realizes she's not that into Constantine? Will she do the right thing and just choose Dax/Ben and send everybody home early? We'll have to watch and see! What bastard is the show bringing back this episode?! Bullshit.

Ashley's in Fiji! She likes Ben's goofiness AND his sincerity. Ben's dad is dead, he's going to take down his emotional walls, blahblahblah. She says Constantine is hot and mature. But she does say their relationship is slow (but meaningful!). Also, she loved his loud, giant Greek family. Then there's J.P. Sincere, hot, a "grown man." Overnight dates with the dudes now! Ashley writes in her journal. I hope she's writing "I heart J.P. But Constantine's relatives do cute ethnic dances. What to do, Dear Diary?" WHO IS AT THAT DOOR? It better not be Ryan since she felt kind of conflicted about letting him go. But she sent him home, so why would he think he could come back?

Ughhh, it is Ryan. He thinks they need closure and wants to see if she is regretting it. At least according to the show's editing, she hasn't mentioned him since he left. Godddd. Stupid Ryan. Nobody likes you. She looks slightly horrified. "What's going on?" I don't think she's feeling it. Still. Dude, she already rejected you. Go away. Be a graceful loser, bro. She's still not responding. He thinks they didn't have a chance to see it through. I can't believe he's going to make her reject him again. He's giving her his hotel information. She's clearly not saying that she regretted sending him home, but doesn't know how to tell him "no" again. I hope she sends him a douchey text message. Ugh, she's actually going to consider it.

Anyway, it's Ben date time. Huzzah! Ben's got good deck shoes. They're going to go out on a fancy boat. She says she was so nervous when she talked to his mom, but so was he. He says she and the sister really liked her. Ew, Fiji is ugly and gross. His swim trunks are really ugly. The pattern is ugly. Oh, he's helping her with her sunscreen. Now she's straddling him and helping him with his. She says it's like they're on a honeymoon. Cute. Now they're snorkeling together and holding hands adorably. I think Ben is sincere when he says he's grown a lot as a person during the show, so even if (god forbid) he doesn't win, I think he'll be okay.

She called Ben a stud. His sweater is kind of see-through and tucked in. I do not approve. I still like him, though. He keeps talking about how easy it is when they're together. That's a good sign. He is totally going to drop the L-bomb tonight! Awww. His floppy hair looks better a little bit longer, I think. He's talking about her being with him in the wine country. Oh, this conversation is kind of awkward. "I'm available," he says. He says he's on his way to "the whole I love you thing." He is so going to show her how he feels in that fantasy suite tonight. Chris Harrison is so thoughtful! Now they're getting in the pool for kissing times. Dramatic music as he carries her out of the pool. She's falling in love with him, hooray! Now they're going to go do it.

She's on a date with Constantine and he's pumped about riding in an helicopter. The view is pretty, blahblahblah. Ashley refers to him as "Greek god." That makes me uncomfortable. Oh, awesome shot of Ryan moping on the beach as the helicopter flies over. Rubbing it in that she hasn't talked to him yet. He's gazing out on the ocean, feeling feelings. Meanwhile, Ashley and Constantine have landed and are going to jump into a waterfall. This setting reminded both me and Isaac of Teeth. Not so romantic an association. He tells Ashley that he "totally" missed her. He looked at 108 houses before he bought one and says he was looking for a "man cave." He's telling her houses and women aren't the same, though. Duh. Ashley thinks he's going to need more time, which they don't have. Uh-oh, Constantine!

Ashley is wearing something gross and orange on. Constantine said he learned something wine-y from Ben. Ashley asks him about their friendship, and he says he respects Ben and would never try to break apart some people who fall in love. She's saying she isn't feeling the kind of affection she wants from him. He says he isn't holding back, though. It sounds like he wants to be done. He doesn't want to go to the Fantasy Suite with somebody he isn't in love with.

OH MY GOD ABC NEWS REPORT BULLSHIT, FUCK YOU AND YOUR "GOVERNMENT CRISIS," PRESIDENT OBAMA! Not going to lie, I kind of love the bitchy callouts, including calling millionaires and billionaires "patriotic Americans" willing to pay higher taxes. BTWs, why do Republicans hate the troops so much? Blahblahblah debts "the world is watching" blahblahblah. Don't you dare bring in an analyst, George Stephanopolous! John Boehner is going to respond now, too! EWWW. His skin is so orange. He'd fit in on The Bachelorette, at least. I'm not sure how I feel about his neon green tie. Boehner is APPALLED that the president would threaten a veto. Good god I hate John Boehner so much. Apparently his way of saving entitlement programs for his two daughters is by cutting them into nonexistence. John Boehner said "blank check," which is the name of a classic Disney kid's movie that I used to kind of love. He also thinks that taxing billionaires more will cost Americans jobs. Like, extra butlers and maids for their mansions? The people who clean their private jets?

Oh, back to the show!

I am filled with rage at Republicans and now Constantine is saying it's the "end of the road." Isaac wants some Boyz II Men. No luck. He's leaving now. It's for the best. Poor Ashley's getting no Fantasy Suite love tonight. Maybe it's the orange dress. That's what she gets for dressing like Kelly Kapowski. Ew, it looks like she's going to pull Ryan back into the game. NOOOOO!

She's getting paranoid about other guys leaving now. Ben's not going anywhere. Ashley claims she's got "clarity" about the Ryan situation. Now they're hanging out. This is so awkward. I should drink my drink faster. Oh no, she is saying his leaving was premature. Really? She just got dumped. BUT. Oh good, she knows it was the right thing. She has the passion with Ben and J.P. and not him (or Constantine). Ryan claims he's happy for her. He believed she'd say she has regrets. Nope, doesn't. Also, she keeps calling him "Ry." Blech. He's crying (again) since he got rejected (again). Thank god she's letting him go again. Hee was filled with so many false dreams. Just like Ashley with Bentley. Maybe they ARE perfect for each other in their cluelessness.

Now Ashley is wearing some awful rug-pattern shirt thing as she meets J.P. I like J.P.'s shirt. It's like heather gray but blue. Is that called heather blue? I like his bro athletic shorts with cargo pockets. I do like Ashley's earrings, though. They're flying on a pontoon? seaplane thingy. She calls J.P. her emotional "rock." Ben could be your rock too if you confided in him! They've gone to their own island. She really likes Ben, but I think J.P. has the edge. He's displaying his jealousy right now. Why is she wearing jean shirts in the ocean? Those will never dry, honey. I feel like the show is telling us J.P. will win, but sometimes producers are tricky bitches.

J.P. and Ashley are cuddling with white wine now. I'd demand champagne or red only. He says it "doesn't matter what [they're] talking about." They don't seem to talk about much of substance except the other guys. J.P. is trying not to gloat about Constantine. He was scared Bentley came back again, but it was Ryan. She is worried about him being "hung up" on her other relationship(s). He kind of is, though. She's telling him not to hold back. This situation is synthetic. She's giving him the Fantasy Suite envelope. I think Constantine is a stand-up guy for being honest and ducking out gracefully. Unlike others we won't mention. J.P. "fulfills everything [Ashley's] ever been looking for." That's serious. J.P. is too scared to drop the L-bomb, even though he knows he is in love with her. He should tell her. That would totes seal the deal. Though Ben was scared, too.

Rose ceremony. Presumably she's not sending anyone home, otherwise there wouldn't be another episode. She and Ben are "most compatible," but she "can't describe" her feelings with J.P. She's got a "mission" to make sure the guys really like her and are ready to get engaged next week. OMG ridic.

Excited about "Bachelor Pad," though sad there's no overlap with this show. Ashley is "ready to be engaged," apparently to whomever. J.P. is so fucking jealous. Bad sign, I think. I hope he's not a controlling asshole in real life. It's the fucking game, bro. They're going to meet up with her family next week! Reunion show on Sunday night. Oh, I will have to live-blog that too. So excited!

Live-blogging "The Bachelorette" episode 8? 9? whatever

2011-07-18T20:01:00.012-04:00

Hometown visits this week!

Ashley says "Ben is a real guy." I'm glad he's not a robot. Constantine is the "total package." Insert penis joke. INSERT, GET IT?! Ames still looks dumb but still comes off as endearing. She also keeps calling him "unique." She feels like J.P. is really accepting of her. I can see J.P. winning, but I'm still rooting for Ben because he's the one I would choose. Isaac is a self-proclaimed "J.P. man." Whatever.

I'm glad it's not Ben first, because I want to build some anticipation. Constantine is first. I'm pretty sure he's going to get the "we're not far enough along in our relationship" blow-off after this week. He seems like a cool enough guy, though. They go first to Constantine's Italian family restaurant "Giorgio's." I thought he was Greek? All the waitresses are giving him hugs. No they are cooing at their flirting.

There's a big "welcome home" banner. The dad thinks Constantine looks happy. The sister is pretty. Mama Constantine pulls Ashley aside for a chat. She wants to know if Ashley is willing to relocate to the family in Georgia. Ashley says she'd be willing to if it was important enough to Constantine. Good answer. Papa C has totes achieved the American Dream. My students would be eating this shit up. Papa says she seems nice but they shouldn't rush. Good advice, Papa.

Uh oh, surprise! The whole extended family shows up. Constantine is excited. He is created. Ashley seems excited, too. I would be horrified. Ashley is happy to do some foreign circle dancing. She is digging this family shit so hard. Okay, they are Greek, they just have an Italian restaurant. Their family home is huge. She's so happy right now!

Now she's gone to Pennsylvania to meet Ames' family. Isaac and I agree that his face looks like a slightly smushed Ken doll. Unfortunately, Ames' sister has his forehead. She's wearing white pants, asymmetrical sleeve, and she's asking questions. Ashley is still trying to get to know him and refuses to commit to strong feelings for him because their relationship is moving slower than the others. Ames' mom doesn't have the forehead, so it must've come from his dead dad. Also, he has a dead stepdad. Double paternal tragedy! The sister is totes talking him up. The mom is totes talking about how awesome he is now. OMG rooster statue! This is really awkward. I need more champagne, I think. She's still missing the romance and "spark" with Ames. Does not bode well.

Ames is holding a tumbler that reminds me of this. If only! The sister is giving him some advice to ramp up the romance. Ew. Ames is taking her to some park with magnolia blooming. He has a favorite tree! Apparently he went to boarding school for high school. He was unpopular. Boohoo. She thinks they "think the same way" but now he's rambling about Italian Renaissance romance. This feels awkward. Now they're kissing. I still feel awkward. They're taking a wagon/carriage ride thing. I think they're drinking champagne, which is the only thing I like about this date. Ew, she just said some "storybook romance" bullshit.

New she's visiting Bendax in California! They've clearly put this in the order of weakest to strongest connection as the episode goes on. They are at his winery. AWESOME. They're tasting his wine. Loves it. She wishes her mom was there (because she's a drunk?), but Ben says she can come visit over the holidays. Cute. Only one previous girlfriend has met his mother before. He's bff with his sister, which is something I advocate. He describes his dead dad as a "gentle giant" and "jovial." He thinks he would have liked Ashley. He's talking about his feelings right now. It's pretty key that the sister and mom like Ashley. She's really nervous right now. I hate his light-gray jeans. At least they're not skinny jeans.

He brings Ashley to meet the mom and sister. They are so white. The sister is wearing PEARLS for god's sake. More wine! The sister signed him up for the show. That's so cute! Despite the mom's misgivings, his hairstyle totes turns her on. The sister is very "protective." MEDDLE! He tells Julia (the sister) how effortless it is with Ashley and how easy it is to share is feelings with her. Mom shows Ashley old pictures. Their family went on their last family trip to Paris. WHITE PEOPLE. He is totally apologizing for not being "there" right after his dad died. His family is more serious than I expected since he's so silly, but I guess they've got a lot of trauma. Now he's talking about him and crying. It's so cute. We didn't see any of the conversations between Ashley and the mom and sister. I guess maybe they weren't as important. This visit was a little more subdued.

Ashley goes to visit J.P. and his family on Long Island. He is taking her to the skating rink! Cheesy and adorable. Now they're couple-skating. REO Speedwagon. HOT. She says she feels like she's in seventh grade, which I would consider to be a terrible thing because seventh grade is awful. Disco ball and "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore." She apparently used to be a figure skater. He just felt down and it was funny. They're drinking wine out of paper cups. Classy. He's talking about his awful ex-girlfriend. He's sad when Ashley's not with him.

Ashley is meeting J.P.'s family and there are so many hugs. J.P.'s brother sounds skeptical. Mama JP thinks her son is a little bit of a love slut. She's worried about them getting engaged so fast. J.P. is way hotter than his brother. He must have been really devastated after his last breakup because his family is super-nervous about him getting hurt. Oh!! His mom brought out this giant Bar Mitzvah photo. He has an adorable mullet in it. He can't tell her he loves her yet, which is actually probably for the best. What's going to happen guys? J.P.'s definitely not going home, but who will? I hope it's Ames or Constantine, obvs.

Ashley is chatting with Chris Harrison about how much Bentley sucks now. She says the date with Constantine had "depth." Her conversations with Ames are "stimulating." Sounds like homework. The date to the winery was everything she had hoped for "and more." She called the family "sophisticated and educated" AKA super white. She loved J.P.'s mom because she complimented her. Now she's got to "say goodbye to what could have been" with one of these dudes. I'm nervous she'll get rid of Ben.

So excited for "Bachelor Pad" in a couple of weeks!

Looks like Ben got a little bit of a haircut. Hope it's not a Samson situation. As usual, Ames looks confused as Ashley talks. Ben first. YES!!! J.P. next, no surprises there. Constantine gets chosen. Ames looks confused again. Did he just try to wink? She's got to go break it to him and explain. He's starting to cry and is being really positive about the whole experience as he talks to her. She gives him an awkward handshake. Shockingly, her dress is terrible. Ames has no one to share his lifetime of adventures with.

Ashley and the rest of the bros are going to Fiji next week and MORE DRAMZ.

Pluggers feel my wrath of boredom

2011-07-16T21:35:00.000-04:00

I am filled with ennui and laziness. I have work I could do, I could go on a booze run, I could watch a movie or go somewhere, but I just want to complain instead. But anyway, Pluggers are still terrible. Let us count some of the ways:

1. Pluggers prefer a disgusting frozen meal instead of "sexy" dog/lady pluggers.

Next week, Mrs. Dogplugger will find her husband dead from an embarrassing auto-erotic asphyxiation accident with his new "gadget." What? It was my brain that thought of it first, so I'm just trying to spread the suffering around.

Pluggers are bulimic.

Pluggers remember racist television characters fondly.

Even in Pluggerville, bitches be naggin'.

Pluggers are hipsters, and I am apparently both. I hate everything.

The Sexy Gay Jesus and the Wedding-Industrial Complex

2011-07-15T19:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Sexy Gay Jesus,

Look, I know that You never went through this particular bit of ritualizing on account of You were really busy healing the sick, curing the lame, cleansing the temple, and being patiently (but, you know, maybe not without second thoughts, which is totally cool, no worries) crucified, and also the marriage laws of the old-school Galilee probs weren't totally in Your favor anyway, BUT. I'm getting married in T-minus six weeks here, and instead of being all uplifted on happy clouds I'm just feeling super anxious about the whole thing. Not the marriage -- he's my best friend, love of my life, and frankly we've been married for all intents and purposes since that sunny day back in September '09 when we bought a Hyundai together -- but the wedding itself is causing me enormous worry. Will people have fun? Will people show up? Will it be special and magical and wonderful, or will I collapse under the pressure of trying to make it be all of those things before I even get down the aisle (which is more of a sandy path through the woods, but still)? I could really use some of Your perspective and calming wisdom, so I don't spend the next six weeks grinding my teeth and dreaming up every nightmare scenario that surely won't happen anyway, and arrive at the altar (er, woodsy place) exhausted. Help me get my groove back, JC?

Yours,
Anxiously Engaged

Dear Anxious,

Congratulations on your impending nuptials, my child! While it is true I have never gotten married, I have been to many, many weddings. I get invited to a lot of them. I would like to point out that just because a ceremony mentions my name, though, doesn't mean I bless the union. I'm not so much a fan of virginity fetishism and/or patriarchal property (lady) transfers. But anyway, weddings. As you point out, Anxious, there are many upsides to being married like state benefits or your grandma letting you share a bed when you come to visit. But GETTING married is another story. I have a few things to contribute that I hope will help you stay cool in the coming weeks:

1. It is both normal and okay to be dreading your wedding to a certain degree. Weddings carry a LOT of cultural baggage. Like, you don't just get charged for checking a bag, but for extra baggage and they are all overweight. (Haha, air travel joke!) This is especially so for ladies since it is your "big day" and the planning is considered girl stuff that your husband-to-be can just show up to hungover with a couple of his bros in matching tuxedos. I am sure your fiance is not one of those bros, but you should definitely make sure he is shouldering his share of the planning and fretting responsibilities. You may feel extra pressure nonetheless, but that's because patriarchy is stupid (sorry, Old Testament bros).

That's all the wine you brought? Seriously people, do I have to do everything around here?

2. Delegate, delegate, delegate. Though sitting down and making a list of everything that needs to get done both before the big day and on the day itself may be super-overwhelming, you can then start enlisting friends and family for various tasks once you know exactly what needs to happen. Tell your friends they can take pictures at the reception, pick up some food, or help set up as their gift to you. Non-douchey guests will be eager and happy to help you out and make your day easier. My forte is that whole Bottomless Wine Bottle trick, of course, but you may have an overbearing aunt or obnoxious younger cousin or something who will feel useful by being assigned glass-filling or table-busing duties.

3. Just let go (as much as possible, anyway). No matter how nontraditional, simple, cheap, and/or casual your wedding plans, something will go wrong and somebody will do something crazy. There's nothing you can do to control this. When bringing a number of people together for an event, mishaps, forgotten details, and a certain amount of interpersonal drama are basically inevitable. Accept that. The wedding is not really about you, anyway. This is a day for other people to celebrate you and your fiance and your decision to publicly announce your intention not to break up. Even if not everybody you want to be there can be there, it's okay, it's not like you'll never see them again. Trust that your friends and family will make their own fun without you having to orchestrate every moment of the reception. Booze helps, obvs. If anybody judges you because some detail wasn't taken care of, then they are douchebags and deserve to have a terrible time as they eat your food and drink your booze.

Once the wedding is over, you will have photos of that wooded path, your pretty dress and/or other fabulous outfit, and all the people who were able to make it. You will also have stories of what went wrong, who drank too much, who gave you that crazy concrete cat statue, and whose father refused to help with anything whatsoever. You will also be relieved! That is okay, you do not have to have a Magical Princess Best Day Ever just because you are a bride, despite what our culture might tell you. It's a big party with lots of details and expectations wrapped up in it, anxiety is normal. In the meantime, as the day approaches, try to remember how you felt when you and your dude bought that Hyundai together. That's why you're doing this, so your loved ones can share in your contentedness. Also, people give you money and presents and shit. That part is pretty good.

There's no cure-all to make you stop worrying, but hopefully some of these tips will help alleviate some of it. I will use my best Powers of Omnipotence to grant you beautiful weather and a happy, relaxed day. I also recommend some kind of post-reception after party with just the kids and lots of irresponsible/relieved drinking if at all possible. It'll give you something to look forward to when you are being forced to hug another poorly dressed in-law you have just met.

Love and champagne flutes,
The Sexy Gay Jesus

Energy Drink Review: SLAP Energy + Sensation FROST

2011-07-15T17:58:00.000-04:00

My can looks like this. It's probably like 3 years old.

This is another weird Big! Lots!! off-brand energy drink. I'm pretty sure I've had some kind of "SLAP" before, but this one has lots of words on its can and is a flavor ("frost"?) I don't think I've tried. The can says "Energy 9.0" and "Multi-Stage Energy Supplement." Multi-stage? That sounds complicated!

Flavor: It's kind of a general sweet, slight red popsicle-tasting flavor but with a bit of a minty? aftertaste. I guess that's the "frost" part. The can claims it's a "unique chilling ingredient." It's probably antifreeze. You know, I saw on a crime show that so many people were easily poisoned by antifreeze because it was naturally super-sweet, that many states are requiring bitter-tasting additives in order to make antifreeze poisoning attempts easier to detect. You can read about it here.

Effectiveness: I'm definitely feeling it. I am currently explaining to my students why calling undocumented border crossers "illegals" is offensive and grammatically incorrect and working on some advice with the Sexy Gay Jesus. I'm a little bit hyped-feeling and more fidgety than usual. I'm not sure what the multiple stages are supposed to be, but it continues to be effective. The flavor isn't too strong, so it doesn't get gross while it warms up as the can sits out, but it is still kind of strange. Reminds me of those fruity/minty gums that are kind of good but also slightly unsettling.

I'd call this a slightly odd but cheap and effective product. Recommended.

Haha, look at this terrible video from the Slap website where they try to turn their drink name into sexual innuendo (unsuccessfully, I would say):

Gaga and Jesus continued!

2011-07-11T21:18:00.000-04:00

Sexy Gay Jesus here. I did some cursory googling and found some more connections between myself and Our Lady of the Meat Dress. There's been some sweet fan art. See below:

"God Makes No Mistakes" by Thomas Clark sets up a slightly more intimate relationship between us than really exists, but I can get into it. My biceps look pretty sweet there, but I don't really like to dwell on that whole "crucifixion" thing.

Scott McGoldrick gives Gaga my blessing. I'll bless that blessing.

Blogger Kagehime has either created or found a few great pictures like the "Gagalupe" one above. That would totes go on a candle! I also enjoy the celebrity last supper one floating around:

She's also straight-up emulated pictures of me, as seen here:

That's an impressive halo. I wish people would portray me in tiny thongs more often. I suppose at least I get a lot of topless/muscle pics, though.

I finally got around to watching the "Judas" video where apparently Gaga has a love triangle with two bikers that are me and Judas.

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I definitely support engaging in biblical themes for trashy pop music purposes. (Is it weird that I would totally do it with this sexy black Jesus?) But let's get serious, neither Judas nor I is really into the ladies. That whole "betrayal" thing was over him wanting to get exclusive with me, and I was like, "Why would I give up these eleven other dudes for someone as demanding as you, bitch?" Apparently neither of us handled it well, but anyway. Gaga is pulling a classic "shock people with blasphemy" gambit, but I generally support the comparisons between us. I mean, she's really popular right now, you guys.

Bachelorette live-blogging: Episode 7

2011-07-11T19:58:00.009-04:00

How will the bros deal with the aftermath of Ashley's "closure"? Will Ashley stop being so damn insecure? What ridiculous outfits will she wear? How many different types of Orientalism will be on display? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT.

I'm not sure why Lucas and Ryan are both lame, get rid of them. Everybody else I can understand still being here. This week: three one-on-ones with no rose and a group date that will have one up for grabs. Interesting. J.P. is filled with jealousy. Hometown visits are coming up! Woot! I can't wait to hear more about all the guys' dead relatives some more.

Constantine has the first date. J.P. can't deal with other dudes dating his lady. If she doesn't choose Ben/Dax (he's who I would choose, obvs), I think she and J.P. really do have a good emotional connection. He is pretty hot in a bald white dude kind of way. BTWs, Ashley's top has no back to it. I suppose we've talked about how small her boobs are, so I guess she doesn't need a bra. They're holding hands on the train in Taiwan. Ashley's taking him to an "adorable little village." Lantern festival! Ashley thinks it's "cute." They're going to participate by writing their wishes on the lantern and releasing it into the sky just like the adorable locals with their cute traditions!

The bros are back at the hotel. Ben gets the date! So cute. He doesn't want Ryan to be right for Ashley because nobody likes him. I can't believe Ryan hasn't had a one-on-one with her yet, though he does like to butt in during group dates.

Ashley is telling Constantine that he's physically perfect and that she loves that he's a family man. She likes that he remembers everything she says. He's taking it slow, not claiming to be in love with her yet or anything, which Ashley is eating up. Now they release their lantern with their wishes to the sky and kiss. I like his plaid shirt. It's cute. All the lanterns in the sky are really pretty looking in the night sky. He totes wants to bring her home to Atlanta.

I finally finished my energy drink and have poured some champagne. I'm feeling hyped up already, so I think I'm going to be extra-silly when Isaac gets home from work in about an hour!

I'm especially pumped about this date with Ben! He's so dorky and adorable. They're going to moped around a national park. He's going to drive. Like a MAN. This park is beautiful. He just called her "kiddo." She feels "protected" by him and she is eating up that masculinity. Clouds on mountains! Reminds me of home. Now they're making out on one of those rope bridges that are always breaking in Indiana Jones movies. That would be awesome if the planks underneath them broke right now. Then Ben could be really masculine and save her life!

BroHouse update: Lucas, Ames, and J.P. are going on the group date, so Ryan's pumped about finally getting his one-on-one. Lucas is trying to diplomatically say Ryan's "energy level" is a little bit much and doesn't understand Ashley's connection with him.

They're having a romantic dinner. He's going to teach her about wine during hometown visits (because of his winery). He's cute, funny, dorky, and MAKES WINE OH MY GOD TAKE HIM NOW, ASHLEY. I just said he doesn't "throw around the L-bomb," which cracks me up. Ashley looks like she's tearing up a little bit. He's excited for his mom and sister to see how happy they are together. Making out! His taking head interview says he's starting to fall in love. Ashley's voice over says the same thing. She feels like he's her boyfriend. Oh, cute!

Apparently Ben didn't come home from the date last night! OooooOOOooo. J.P. is stewing. Ben says they didn't share a room, and J.P. has to walk away. I like Ben's stripey blazer.

Weddings are real big in Taipei for some reason, so the group date is taking wedding photos. Ames looks confused, as usual. Lucas has some sort of silk Asian outfit thing. Ames has a sweet powder blue/sparkly tux with pink shirt. J.P. says Ames "looks like the offspring of an ostrich and Elton John." J.P. gets a classic black tux and he looks pretty hot. Now he's gloating. Ashley is wearing a really pretty black mandarin dress thing. They're doing a "traditional Taiwanese" thing. J.P. does not like that the photographer told them to kiss.

She and Ames are sitting in a fake tree in their photo shoot. I really like her silver dress! Now she's wearing a classic white gown for the one with J.P. That dress has a serious train. Ashley doesn't think their pictures are going to be very good.

The guys didn't have much fun and are being pretty awkward. Lucas felt "foolish" during the shoot. Lucas doesn't think it'll be hard to get married again because he wants kids, etc. He wants to slow dance with her now. Ames is showing Ashley old pictures and says he wasn't cool until he was 16. It made him humble, supposedly. Ashley thinks he's so "unique." J.P. is telling Ashley he is jealous. She makes sure he's not fighting with anyone. She thought he was as "cool as a cucumber." No cucumbers here! He's a hot one! A pepper. She awkwardly excuses herself. She brings J.P. the rose to make him feel better.

Time for Ryan's date! She doesn't care what anybody says about his "over the top" personality. She's wearing white jeans and they're walking around some temple. They're doing something with a matchmaking god. I don't like his pink short-sleeved button-up. She's wearing another backless shirt and now they're watching people doing Tai Chi. He says he doesn't know much about it, but starts mansplaining anyway. She doesn't feel ready to meet his family, but he's talking about it anyway. AWKWARD.

I just got a little bit dizzy standing up. Reclining and typing too long or energy drink/champagne combo? Better keep drinking to find out for sure!

Pink shirt is grinning so much. He's asking about her environmental credentials since he's a solar energy exec. She wants him to "teach her" about saving the environment. He's giving her a water heater lesson. My friend Neely would be so proud! She looks kind of bored. She's starting a speech, "No, honestly..." Now she's crying. He's "such a great guy" but doesn't see him as husband material. She's "just not feeling it." He looks really hurt. She doesn't want to put him through a rose ceremony, so he's going home now. She's not sure if it's the right choice, but she doesn't feel a physical attraction for him, really, so she should go with that feeling. He doesn't want to be alone. Poor guy. He has to hide from the cameras to cry and swear alone.

I'm not sure how I feel about her dress that in the back looks like a bikini top and long skirt. I hope she sends Lucas goes home, but I don't know if I trust Ashley to make any sort of logical decision. He's a nice guy, but kind of a blank. Also, really "traditional," which says subliminally to me "get back in the kitchen." Chris Harrison is asking Ashley about sending Ryan home. She already knows who she's going to send home. Rose ceremony without a cocktail party! I like Constantine's outfit. Ames looks like he's not following Chris' explanation. Oh, the top and bottom of the dress is only held together with some jewel thing in the front. Ugly.

Rose ceremony! Brown hair, orange skin, champagne-colored dress = not that cute, Ashley. Why don't you consult me before you get dressed? Constantine is safe. If Ben goes home, I will cry. Yea! BenDax is safe, too! Ames or Lucas? Lucas goes home! YES. She's going to talk to him about it now. Ames looked hurt when J.P. said he didn't expect that last decision. Lucas keeps calling her sweetie. Blech. Ashley feels really bad for sending him home, though. She really does take these eliminations hard.

I'm so excited for hometown's next week! I don't care about this interview with that Emily woman, so I bid you adieu until then.

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar Recovery

2011-07-11T19:50:00.001-04:00

Friends! I have broken down and bought one of these hangover energy drinks that are so trendy right now. The Monster people have some bullshit tea-based ones floating around, but I think tea tastes like watered-down hamster food most of the time, so I refuse to try one. Anyway, at my local booze (but not liquor) dispensary, I saw a bright orange Rockstar can that claimed to give both energy and hydration. It is also juice-based, which is one for the pro column. I decided to take one home with me (after paying, duh) because I have been doing a lot of things recently like laying out in the sun for four hours or going for runs (jogs, let's be honest about my speed) in 90-degree weather and/or daytime drinking and ending up with dehydration headaches when I want to be getting drunker. I went for a run today, and though I try to be vigilant about hydration, I'm hoping this Rockstar Recovery orange beverage will get me in good shape to open that Rite Aid-purchased bottle of champagne I bought to drink during The Bachelorette.

There is no sober viewing of The Bachelorette. It's almost up there with Extras on the scale of things I can't handle without at least a slight buzz. Don't get me wrong, they are both wonderful for very, very divergent reasons, but the discomfort I feel about things on the screen will lead me to hide under a blanket unless I have some alcohol in me to cushion the blow. Sometimes I still hide from the awkwardness, but it's less intense if I'm drunk. ANYWAY, I'm giving this orange guy a go.

Where were you when I had an 8:00 a.m. job?

Flavor: it's not carbonated, but its flavor runs along the lines of a tasty orange soda. It doesn't taste flat, though, just very tangy compared to straight juice. Although, I rarely drink orange juice without vodka (or at least champagne) in it, so I'm probably not good judge anymore. Luckily it avoids the sickly sweetness of Sunny D that I still associate with car sickness because my mom used to buy it for the annual 12 hour car pilgrimage to Utah. The rest of the time we drank juice from concentrate because it's cheap, but it doesn't come with a screw-on top.

Effectiveness: the can says it contains both electrolytes and high caffeine, which I think is something I could get into. I think by the way I've been rambling in this post, I can tell I'm feeling a little something extra. A spring in my typing fingers, one might say.

Update: I'm feeling pretty good. Usually at this time of day, after having my second meal and perhaps doing something productive, I tend to feel lethargic and want to take a nap despite only having been up for like 4 or 5 hours, but this drink is helping me feel pumped about blogging more here in a few minutes. Well, also it's been two weeks since the disastrous return of GET BENTley on The Bachelorette, so it's just adding to the natural anticipation. I will update later on after I've had some boozes to let you know if I felt like I stayed better hydrated.

Lauren's take: Highly recommended.

I haven't been doing much energy drink research since I finished my thesis over a year ago and didn't want to think about where taurine comes from or who designs those ridiculous cans anymore, but the folks over at BevNet ("The Beverage Industry's Source") have also given this drink a highly positive review.

SGJ Dances to, Does Not Think Too Hard About Lady Gaga

2011-07-10T23:24:00.002-04:00

Dear Sexy Gay Jesus,

Jesu babe, I have to ask: what are your thoughts on Our Lady of the Gaga?*

Bangin music. You surely cannot argue with that.

Great story right? Bootstraps. No. Yes?

Affirming message. Totally awesome, love that.

And she's a total stoner, so there's that.

Do you think her leader/flock trope is a tip of the hat to you, perhaps a form of ironic interpretation of your experience? Or does that give her too much credit?

I love her but have trouble with lots of what tries to say to explain her art (see her interview with Anderson). I mean, you're a student of philosophy (shit, some people think you're the genesis of human thought . . . ) It's way, way, way overcooked, right? (The art/sociology of fame??) Sometimes pop music is just fun. Maybe she shouldn't try so hard to explain it all.

Gah . . . I have to go read something called "The Conflict Helix" now. (Probably have no license to question Gags when I'm reading this nonsense for school. Maybe I shouldn't be such a critical naysayer.)

Thought I'd check in and give you a genuflect. Take care. Say hi to Lauren for me. Oh, and Happy Pride!

--Tweets

Dear Tweets,

Clearly I have neglected this letter for some time. I apologize, but summertime is a very busy time for attractive homosexual deities--there is a lot of laying out by the pool and binge-drinking to do. But I will weigh in on Ye Olde Gaga Question. First off, there are many fabulous gay bar anthems in the Lady's repertoire and no one can deny her very formidable musical talents (have you seen her play that piano in those outfits?). I will say that I'm really only into bootstraps when associated with fetish gear, but I admire her hard work also.

The Lady and I have only met in passing at Gay Community meetings, you know. I find it unlikely that she is deliberately emulating me, though I certainly couldn't blame her! I am pretty awesome, in the literal, awe-inspiring sense. I actually find it quite adorable that she calls her fans "little monsters," which is way cooler than anything Jesus fans have ever been called.

I do think she may be thinking a little bit too hard about her art, despite the fabulousness of her music and her audacity in fashion. She may or may not be friends with Slovenian postmodern theoretical darling Slavoj Zizek. Though I grant her musical efforts are a little more sophisticated than, say, Ke$ha's, K-Money clearly doesn't take herself too seriously. Neither of them wears pants, I think they should be friends. I also find sincerity uncomfortable. I think it's easiest to just take the songs as they come and ignore the philosophical grandstanding. Thus saith the lord.

I hope you aren't working too hard on your silly homework. I know I'm up to no good this summer.

Love and tequila shots,

The Sexy Gay Jesus

P.S. Lauren says hello and happy belated Pride to you, too!

*If no one's done it yet, please, please, please, internet, bring me a Lady Gaga devotional candle.

Energy Drink Review: Jolt Blue Bolt

2011-07-02T18:46:00.000-04:00

Hello friends,

I have been meaning to blog more. The SGJ has a question to answer, I've been planning another presidential post, etc. But let's talk about the truth, people: I am lazy. I'm also kind of busy. I am teaching an online class and trying to avoid having a nervous breakdown by doing things like dropping the class I was going to take this term and now I have to pay back my federal loans from this summer because I no longer qualify and blahblahblah whatever.

Anyway, today I'm reading, grading, and responding to some discussion board posts by my illustrious students, motivation for which required some outside help. So I ventured out in the 95 degree heat with like 2635786% humidity to the Rite Aid and bought the cheapest energy drink I could find: a Jolt. There were a number of flavors, and I chose blue. I will let you know how it goes.

Tragically, Jolt no longer uses the battery-shaped cans, but I do appreciate that they have a tie-in with Breaking Bad which is awesome and also about meth. Coincidentally, Isaac and I finally got season 3 disc 1 from Netflix today and we are going to watch the shit out of it this weekend.

Flavor: It tastes blue, I'll tell you that! Like a blue raspberry candy or something. Not bad. As I make my way through the can, I must say the flavor holds up even as the can heats up some. There is really no chemical aftertaste, so it could be a good choice for those who don't usually like energy drinks but like things that taste like candy.

Efficacy: I'm not feeling any overwhelming surge of energy, but between the Blue Bolt and a family size bag of Doritos, I'm on a bit of a roll with my work. I also find I have many things to say in response to my students that are more "but what about this?" than "oh my god you have totally misread everything"--which is really encouraging!

There was never a spike in my energy, but I felt a small uptick in general alertness, and it tasted good all the way through. If you've got a low caffeine tolerance and/or preference for less chemical-tasting beverages, the Jolt Blue Bolt's a good (and affordable at under $2) choice.

Day-late Bachelorette live-blogging

2011-06-28T22:45:00.000-04:00

I had some bullshit responsibilities to take care of yesterday and only caught the end of "The Bachelorette" last night. So now I'm watching online and snarking the episode its entirety for all 3 or 4 of you who love reading these.

The gang is in Hong Kong and Ashley is talking nonsense about Bentley and closure and blahblahblah. Chris Harrison has a greatest fear for her. I want to know more about Chris Harrison and his secret fears. When he tells Ashley Lexus is in the hotel, she yells, "Shut up!" She wants more than vagueness. She is going to pull the specificity "out of his throat." Ouch.

Ashley is so fucking deluded. I thought for a second he was taking like 10 minutes to answer the door, but she hadn't knocked yet. Don't hug her, you creep! No kisses! Hands and lips off! Isaac is already traumatized by the awkwardness. She asked about "Cozy," which is apparently his daughter. I want to punch his fucking face so hard. He is spewing more lies right now. Also, he's stuttering and claiming he wants her to come to Salt Lake if it "doesn't work out" with the other guys. He claims missing her was "real." I think Bentdick came into her life so all of America could hate him. He is so bad at this. How can she believe anything he says? He implores her to explore her options. She's telling him to be a man and put a period on their relationship. She's actually kind of pissed and is going off about the dotdotdot. He claims he wanted to see her instead of just talking to her on the phone. She's pissed. She needs to walk away now.

She says she wasted time on Mercedes Benz. THANK GOD! She has finally figured it out. The Sexy Gay Jesus has blessed us all.

Ashley feels "so liberated" as she sprays hairspray on her head. Southern Gentledude Lucas gets a one-on-one date. Hong Kong has many brightly-colored lights. Oh, white pants Ashley. They somehow come upon some dragon dancers. Ashley's shocked Lucas has never been to New York. Well, neither have I! Or Hong Kong! Lucas: nice but kind of boring. They're going to ride on a boat!

Does Lucas have a dead relative? Oh, he says his divorce was the most difficult thing he's been through. "Everything literally happens for a reason," he says. He is deluded.

Dax is wearing an ugly stripy shirt thing. Blake is all disappointed to be going on another group date.

Blahblahblah Ashley gives him a rose and he calls her sweetheart. Lucas says this is his best first date ever. It's hard not to have a best first date on a ship in the Hong Kong harbor. Now they're dancing. OH MY GOD she just said his "manlihood" makes her "feel like a woman." Gross.

Group date dragon boat racing! There are three teams and the hair team of Ben and Constantine feels confident. Oh, they have to go out and recruit more rowers. Blake and Ryan found themselves a translator named Domino. Ben/Dax looks like such a dork with his blue bandana on his head. They're not having a lot of luck. They decide if they can't get any team members, they may as well wear some silky red robes. Dax said they felt "empowered by the power of the red dragon." He is amusing and adorable.

Now the boats are racing. I care very little about this. Dax and Constantine are as awesome as salmon, bro. They are falling way behind. Mickey and Ames (team Meathead) won. They had recruited an actual dragon boat racing team. That helps. Some people just got engaged on the same beach. TOTES COINCIDENTAL!

Ames is bringing Ashley to the 48th floor. They're making out in the elevator. Yuck. Other people are getting on. I am creeped out by this sleazy music. They're going out on some sort of balcony. Fancy!

JP is going to kill himself if Ryan gets a rose this week.

Dax is wearing some ridiculous yellow sweater and kissing Ashley on the balcony. He claims he used to be a big skeptic about love. Also he is adorable. Blake is talking shit about Ryan. Nobody likes him anymore. Except apparently Ashley. Blake claims he'll go home if Ryan gets the rose. Oh no! Ashley came and got the fucking rose. All the dudes are pissed. I can't believe she chose him over Dax. Dax is totes disappointed in her. Well, there's clearly no accounting for taste.

she's on a single date with JP now. He's no Dax, but I like him pretty well. JP thinks they feel meant to be. He likes how comfortable and easy they are together. That is a plus. He last cried over his ex. Ashley thinks JP is the "total package." HOT. Packages. It's like UPS up in here. She feels like she has to talk to him about BentMW. He was really cool about it when she just wanted to sit in her pajamas and hang out after Bentley left the first time, so I think he's probably going to take it the best of any of the dudes. He's pretty confident in their relationship so far.

JP is working on being cool about the whole thing. He is being nice about it. JP is pretty cute. He's getting a rose, of course. Oh his name is "Jordan Paul." I'm not big on initials names, and both of those are normal, so I don't know why he insists on JP. He says they're "on the right track" and now they're ON A TRAIN, BITCHEZ! 'Cause trains run on tracks, see.

Ashley is sparkly and going to lay some truth on the bros. She's telling them how she fell for Bentley and how closured she is now. It's really quiet and awkward now. Constantine is basically saying that she lied about not being over him. Lucas is pissed she didn't do it earlier. Ashley should just tell them all what a douche Bentley was so they'll all stop all being so upset. Ryan is trying to be all supportive, but I don't feel like I can buy his sincerity. Lucas says Ashley is "wasting his BLEEPing time." Lucas said when you "make a man feel second" he's out. You and your patriarchy can shove it, Lucas!

Blake is chatting with her now. He feels "belittled" by the Bentley shit. I can see where he's coming from in addition to the fact that she's never chosen Blake for a one-on-one date. Poor dentist. Now she's talking to Mickey and he feels like she lied.

HONESTYYYYY IS SUCH A LONELY WOOOORDD. EV-RY-ONE IS SO UNTRU-UE. This champagne is tasty, BTWs.

Mickey is pissed that she was into Bentley and wants her to send him home. She wants him to "take the initiative" and leave himself. And he should. He leaves on a boat. I'm not sure whether or not one can judge a potential partner by the other people they might be attracted to. I could go either way on that one. Ashley is all crying about how things have gone. Now she's off to make a decision.

Some of the dudes are pissed that JP knew about Bentley before them. Ashley's telling Chris Harrison she doesn't know how to make everyone happy. YOU CAN'T. (You're welcome for that life lesson.)

She thinks she was selfish in thinking that they would be relieved like she was. Now rose ceremony, bitchez. Dax is safe. Hooray! Constantine is safe despite his earlier anger. BigForehead Ames is safe and Blake the Dentist is on his way home. Further belittlement. Blake just wants a friend. Aw. Poor Blake. Next on the docket is Taiwan for Ashley and the Bros!

blarghhsaghekrhajkhcg

2011-06-21T01:45:00.001-04:00

I know it's late at night. I know I'm wearing shorts (it's summer). I know I'm alone and on foot. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Don't stare. Don't yell. Don't invite me up to your bro-den to have drinks. Don't ask me to turn around and give you the ass view. Don't drive by slowly and gawk. I just want to leave my fucking house and come home in peace, but I'm a woman and that's not fucking allowed, apparently.

UPDATE: I wrote a creepy retaliatory note while wearing large winter gloves (I read a lot of forensic crime novels and didn't want to leave any fingerprints or trace evidence, okay?), but since I walk by that house all the time, I figured it best not to escalate in case the bros recognize me during the daytime. Instead I have ordered boxing gloves and a heavy bag to install in the basement for times like this. We've been talking about getting one for awhile, anyway.

The Bachelorette Episode 5 Live-Blogging

2011-06-20T19:57:00.011-04:00

The crazy dramz on the previews from last week better live up to the hype!

The bros have arrived at Cheng-Mai at some fancy hotel. Ashley is wearing a shirt as a dress. Literally. I guess short, hot people can get away with that. A two-man date is coming up and the guy without the rose will have to leave FOR-E-VER. Dax gets a single date with her! The bros are jealous as they leave together. Forehead is jealous of their chemistry.

I had to step away for a few moments, but Isaac tells me the Dax/Ashley date is going well. He's not allowed to kiss her at the temple, they'll have to hold back. Sexy mental kiss!

OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE WEARING?!! It is a strapless, knee-length romper with a hideous pattern! Why Ashley? WHY???! If I were Ben F./Dax, I would refuse to continue the date until she put on some real clothes. He's telling her about how he and his middle-school friend made wine together. Dax has a dead father! I really think dead family member is a requirement for casting on this show. He's just recently become more emotionally available since his death. Blahblahblah he's a better man now and ready to take risks.

Back at the Man Ranch, a bunch of dudes get called up for the group date, so the Devil's Threesome is going to include Republican Hair Ben and William of overzealous roast fame. AWKWARD!

Dax gets the rose on their date (shock shock) and I am really pulling for him because he seems pretty normal and dorky and they really like each other. They make out as the natives dance and entertain them with fire. Ashley looks like she's crying! She LIIIKES him.

The dentist just quoted Descartes. Does he know that people don't really like that guy anymore? They're going to explore some Thai cultural traditions! Mickey is so excited about Thai boxing. Mr. Enthusiasm Ryan is pumped, too. She's looking for the "masculinity in these guys" as if the bro isn't already dripping off of them at every moment. Ames is a little nervous, and I'm actually kind of surprised he's never been in a fight with a forehead that big. Maybe he didn't get bullied as a kid, the forehead grew later.

The trainers keep making them do sit-ups. Blake says "spandex was invented for people like [Ashley]." Ew. All the bros are picking their fighting colors and Ames is "too polite" so he ends up with pink. GAY. He really doesn't want to do this and I feel kind of bad for him. This makes me like him better, actually, since he's really not into this gross display of violent machismo. The ominous previews and my own better judgment tell me this whole thing is going to be a disaster.

Smilin' Ryan says "It's on, guys." JP doesn't want to look scared like "a little girl" because he's the smallest of the guys. Ashley doesn't want them to take the fight too seriously. Ryan just called this "testosterone at its finest." GROSSSSS. Ashley is getting nervous about people getting her. The dentist won his fight. JP says he'll take his "beating like a man." Mickey is WAY bigger than he is and is kicking his ass. Ashley is cringing a lot. JP ended up winning!

Oh no, Ames is up. Lucas thinks Ames has spent too much time studying at Harvard and Yale instead of being an "idiot and fighting in the street." Poor Ames is getting beat up by Smileface Ryan. The other guys notice that Ames basically wouldn't fight and he looks a little bit dizzy. Nick and Constantine are out there, but everybody knows Ames is fucked up. Ashley gets a producer or something so they can get his head looked at. Ashley apologizes to Ames, and he says sorry back. He's too nice. Poor guy.

If anybody ever wonders why I'm drawn to studying masculinity, it's shit like this. Even though Ames is ideologically opposed to physical violence, he feels like he can't bow out from the fight, even if he doesn't really throw many punches himself. And he's the one who gets hurt, even though he didn't want to this in the first place. Fucking fighting and boys and pride and punching. Masculinity as is in our culture is so destructive.

I'm not sure the "Oriental" music is necessary as Ames is wheeled into the hospital. Now it's the evening date part and Ames isn't there and Ashley's shirt is missing a back. All the dudes are sore and she feels bad. Ryan does have a couple of injuries. GOOD. Ames shows up as their trash-talking his pink shorts. Ryan seems relieved, as he should. The front of her top is all ruffly and stuff too. He has a mild concussion. He can't talk very well, it's kind of sad/cute.

Dax is talking to the other bros about their upcoming date. William calls it the "Thunderdome date." Chris Harrison left a gloating douche note about how there'll only be one rose.

Blake the dentist wants to make a move tonight. Ashley wants Lucas to show her how to golf. This is ridiculous. He tells her that her "type" is Bentley. She's giving the rose to Blake, which is kind of cute. Ames looks especially dim-witted with a concussion.

Bro-bro-Ashley date. The dudes are talking shit in their interviews, though Ashley reminds them that she has been on the 2-on-1 date herself. They dudes are pushing her boat down the river. Ephelants! Cute. I wish there were tiny elephants for pet purposes. The guys are being douchey competitive douches. William says he can be any kind of extreme. He kind of sucks. No, he sucks and EXTREME amount. He's claiming that Republican Hair Ben wants to go home and do some online dating. He is giving her anxiety. He of anyone should know this is her biggest insecurity. She didn't even ask Ben if it was true and is sending him home. He claims he was kidding, but is bowing out gracefully.

All the bros see somebody come take Ben's suitcase away and are shocked that it happened really early in the date! Poor Ben with no socks and loafers. He is so pissed at William, but I think he's right that it won't work out with him, he's clearly douchey and selfish. (Not Ferrari levels, but in a way where he thinks he isn't doing anything wrong or hurting Ashley, which is bad in its own way.)

Ashley is wearing another ridiculous dress to their dinner date. William's excited about being alone with her. He doesn't know it, but Ashley still might send him home. Oh yeah, he told her he was a "30 year-old boy." Totally true. She's not into it.* OH! He is going home. BURN! She's looking for a MAN. He feels like a loser and called himself the world's biggest jackass. TRUE. But I don't feel sorry for him. The other dudes are shocked William's suitcase got picked up too. Now William's all depressed. Boohoo. Ashley burns the rose from this date. Haha!

It's a dark and stormy night in Thailand. Shockingly, Ashley's feeling insecure right now. Ryan gives her an enthusiastic speech about how his feelings for her is like a rocket ship. She asks Constantine if he feels closer to the guys than to her and he says he does naturally because they don't really know each other. Constantine is talking to the other dudes about hometown dates. I totes forgot about those. JP confesses he's a little bit jealous of the other dudes. WHY IS ASHLEY STILL THINKING ABOUT MERCEDES? She needs fucking closure. God.

Ashley has a heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison about Bentley. Why doesn't he just tell her what a douchey liar he is? She feels guilty like she's cheating on the douche. Chris Harrison is totally going to try and "make something happen" so she can talk to the car guy. She has so much anxiety in her stomach. Been there, bro. No wonder she's so skinny.

Ashley gives an "importance of honesty" speech and Ames continues to look on kind of dumbly. I know he's not, but it's just his face! That surfhair guy is wearing a Wall Street shirt. Ew. It would be pretty mean if she hadn't given Ames a rose this week, what with him getting a concussion for her this week and all. Ryan and Surfhair are left! Surfhair goes home. Bad shirt choice, bro. Oh, his name is Nick. Whatever, who cares? He is sad and will have to go home and catch some waves until he feels better.

The gang is moving on to Hong Kong. Lexus will be here next week and fuck everything up again. Huzzah!

*Not appealing to grown-ups, doucheface. He is reminding me of an ex-boyfriend of mine so hard.

Heart NPH

2011-06-15T01:11:00.000-04:00

The Sexy Gay Jesus and I don't care about awards shows, but we do both endorse the things happening here:

WTF, Brooke Shields? Maybe all those eye color-altering drugs you've been putting on your eyelashes have made them too thick to see the cue cards.

The Sexy Gay Jesus and the Case of the Missing MP3 Player

2011-06-14T16:34:00.001-04:00

Dear Sexy Gay Jesus,

First off, HUGE fan of your work. The whole water into wine thing? Well played, SGJ. You have the whole classy with character thing going on and I like it.

Something not so classy happened in my apartment last week. No, no sexual deviance- just a missing ipod. I went out of town for the weekend and when I returned, my ipod was missing but my case and headphones were left behind. The ipod was last seen in my idock, in the bedroom. My housemate had some friends over that weekend and they were going through my room to get on the porch, someone passed out in my bed for a while. Housemate did not stay awake for the whole party and there was a lot of drinking.

I searched my room, moved everything around and searched the rest of the house. I looked at work, in my car, friend's car, etc. But really, I didn't bring it with me for the weekend so I knew it had to be in the house. Housemate has asked friends (mostly co-workers) if they have seen the ipod, no one has any recollection of it. No one has confessed either. I have no idea what happened to it for sure, but I think it was taken because a) case and headphones were here, ipod was gone. I would never take it anywhere without a case, especially not camping. b) quite a few people were going in and out of my room when I was not home c) it just simply disappeared, where else could it have gone?

I'm afraid this will be a housemate/friendship ruiner if I don't approach this the right way. I love my roommate and she is a great person. I'm planning to talk to her about respecting space when someone else is not home and you have guests over but I'm not mad at her, I just feel like she was negligent. I am however, really fucking pissed all my music is gone and I want my ipod back. It was pretty expensive for a broke kid like me and I feel like something should be done about it. Does roommate pay? Half? How do I approach such a delicate topic? What to do if roomie flat out refuses? Is it my problem and I should stop being bitchy and pay for it myself?

Please help me, SGJ! You're my only hope.

Yours Truly,
Suzy Sadface

P.S. Tell Lauren I say "Honk if you love Presidential board games."

Dear Dear Suzy,

I am so sorry to hear about your recent misfortune. Also, Lauren would honk about the nerdy presidential boardgames if she currently had a car with which to honk. But about your question: that is some shit luck, my friend. Well, there is always a sliver of a possibility that a drunk guest just wanted to peruse your music selection and then set the pod back down somewhere weird and next month you'll find it in a pile of towels or in a utility drawer. But probably not. It is gone. (Presumably your music is on your computer or something also?) And while it sucks that it happened while your roommate had people over and you were gone, you can't make her help you pay for a new one, either. Let me tell you a little cautionary tale about overreaction (you're not having one, I just want to make it clear that you should continue to not have one):

Once upon a time, my friends and I went into Jerusalem for Passover, because that's where the best parties were. We showed up at the temple (which is pretty much supposed to be my house, or at least my dad's house), and it's like a fucking hippie farmer's market up in there! Not to mention the terrible exchange rates those assholes were offering. Anyway, I got a little bit upset and may have participated in some property damage. Now nice Christian folks in Sunday School try and justify it. There are a number of different depictions of this event on the tubes, but I chose the scene from my favorite musical (obvs) because it was the gayest version:

Anyway, I felt kind of bad about it later. So you should not break any of your roommate's furniture or free her livestock even though she let strangers (to you, anyway) wander through your house who probably stole from you. I think a conversation is in order, but there's not really anything you can do about this now. Perhaps if she questions her coworkers they will come up with a suspect, but it doesn't really seem worth pursuing. Maybe she will feel guilty and offer to help buy you a new (or refurbished) one, maybe not. I don't think you can justifiably ask her to replace the ipod for you, but you can set up some ground rules about parties, friends of friends, and personal space. Presumably she never suspected any of her invited guests were thieves, but they probably brought some friends, and there was drinking and haziness and apparently the hostess passed out for awhile. While neither of you can be expected to keep track of each other's personal items at all times, you can reasonably expect one another to respect each other's things and try to make sure nobody fucks with them while the other is away.

Especially since you are friends, I think your roommate will understand that you are upset, though be careful not to blame her or make any monetary demands. I'm afraid my advice is mainly just to suck it up and start trolling Amazon for deals.

Live-Blogging The Bachelorette Episode 4

2011-06-13T19:59:00.011-04:00

Let the post-Bentley magic happen!

Chris Harrison is telling the "fellas" that they're off to Thailand for a "fresh start." There was tragically little West last week, I'm hoping for some more of his face.

Ashley is pining after douchey Lexus or whatever his name was. They're staging a scene where they pretend she plans all the dates herself. Isaac and I think she gets to choose from pre-researched and pre-planned options. Ashley says the field is wide open now for the dudes.

Exotic "oriental"-type music! Constantine who I think is a chef gets to go on a one-on-one date. Oh, he's a "restaurant owner," which is less interesting. It's too stormy for them to go out on the water, so they're just walking around town now. Which I think would be a better date anyway. In Thailand! Now they've pulled some teenager over to get marital advice from an old Thai man. He tells them to forgive and to not try to "win."

Ben C. has Republican hair. Everybody but Ames is going on the group date? God, he looks so dumb.

Constantine joked about how he's wearing orange shorts (he thought they would be swimming). I appreciate a good orange shorts joke. Ashley's still feeling "off" about Beamer or whoever and thinks she might tell Constantine about her feelings for him. Yuck. Constantine likes that they got to just hang out and share the excitement of each other and not some adventurous activity. Which I think is legit and just what she needs to hear in a good way not in a Bentley just tells her what she wants to hear kind of way.

Some of the bros are talking about kissing Ashley. JEALOUSY! "Everyone's going after the same piece of fruit." Dax is trying to calm down JP.

Apparently Constantine has been single for awhile and is trying to not sabotage his own relationships. Ashley likes his "realness" and his giving him a rose for getting her back on track. Also, they are drinking something blue which I bet is super-boozy. WANT. He thinks she's so cute, which she is. She has terrible people-reading skills, but she is sweet and kind of pocket-sized.

Ashley and the bros are refurbishing some orphanage. She wears really short shorts. But she is in Thailand! Apparently Ryan is really bossy. He's directing the wall-painting and everybody resents him for it. JP says flirting time is later. Awww, Dax is making a mural on the wall in one of the bedrooms. He painted an elephant and she's making flowers. Cute. Here come the Thai children! why is Ashley wearing ridiculous boots with her short shorts? The kids are really excited about everything. That's really sweet. Apparently they're also donating bikes and a bunch of toys. I'm almost a little bit teary-eyed here. Fuck you, Bachelorette with your inspirational children making me cry. JP is "forever changed" by the experience.

That night on the group date, Ryan just sleazily complimented her outfit which I was about to make fun of because it's a giant, hole-y sweater over a purple bikini. Dax pulled Ashley aside and now they're kissing. Kiss slut! JP is going to be so jealous. William thinks everybody's intimidated by Ryan, but he does seem kind of douchey with the guys. The dudes are going to question what Ashley's looking for if he gets another group date rose.

No, ad on Blogger, I do not want to volunteer for 1-2 weeks in Thailand. I don't like helping people. I watch reality TV, which is basically like negative helping people.

Ashley's worried about JP. Mostly he's just full of jealousy. The kids really "put it all in perspective." He wants another date, and she wants to give him one that's not in pajamas with her depressed. Now there's kissing. Ashley calls it "magical." She calls him "one sexy man." He's trying to carry her back to the building but they are ABANDONING THEIR DRINKS. TV people, how could you abandon your drinks? Ryan's all annoyed. Republican Ben looks sad.

Ames is excited to get invited on a one-on-one date. She should have sent an extra card for his forehead. OHHH! BURN!

Ryan pulls Ashley aside right before she's about to give the rose. Dax gets the rose! At least it's not Ryan! Tehy're going to swim in the rain. Of course she's on JP's shoulders in the pool. Bros. Commercial and drink refill time!

Ashley claims Ames is intelligent, but his face just does not tell me that. He's wearing white shorts and has giant shoulders. Apparently he's been to Phuket before. He claim before to climb the mountains after college and then last year for cooking school. Okay, that makes him a little bit more interesting. "Last minute is the best minute," he says. Even though it's raining, it is beautiful there out on the water with all these little rock islands. OH NO SHE MADE A TITANIC JOKE. Clearly she didn't learn the rules from this episode of Community. Sea kayaking! "Navigating these beautiful caves is exactly like navigating a relationship." OMG Ames, that is a ridiculous thing to say. He's been to 70 countries?! Is he independently wealthy? Oh, he's a portfolio manager. RICH BASTARD.

He once met a girl in a shoe store. That is a good anecdote. Blahblahblah what do you want out of a relationship? Blahblahblah connection blahblah.

Ashley just tried to claim they were both nerdy. He has white boards all over his apartment covered with math. That is nerdy. She has a dental nerd closet, apparently. She is talking about her sheltered childhood. She's excited that he is less shy without the group. Ames apparently has no "list" of things he's looking for. She says he's really funny, and while he's not unfunny, I think her standards aren't so high. She's giving him the rose. I guess he is smarter than he looks, though. He thinks their intimate conversations was even better than kissing. Kissing is good too, though.

Pre-rose ceremony cocktail party! She's going to interrogate the guys tonight. West is wearing a khaki-colored suit which is apropos for a tropical place. She's asking him about whether he's ready to think about marriage again after his wife's death. What's his southern accent claims he is super open-minded after his divorce.

Blake the dentist is confronting Ryan about being a dick/so intense all the time. He's not doing a very good job of it, but I guess he just wants to talk to him instead of about him. Ryan thinks people resent him for being "freakin' happy all the time." OMG he just cited soldiers overseas as a reason to be happy!! Ryan hearts America. He's telling Ashley now he's got a lot of love in his chest.

More oriental music with exotic flowers. She and Chris Harrison are having a heart-to-heart. Her "woman's intuition" told her there was something there with Mercedes Benz. At least she's looking belong that luxury lot to the other dudes. She wants to only send one guy home this week. Rule breaking, BITCHEZ! C.H. claims there aren't any rules anymore. Sucks to be that one guy. I wish C.H. would reveal to her what a disingenuous douche whatshiscar was.

BTWs, friends, the Extreme Makeover: Fatties Edition show is not compelling TV. The trainer has little to no charisma and I have not found myself interested in the featured person's traumatic pasts.

Surprise with the extra rose. I'll update when we find out who the one guy is. I hope it's not West just because he's a widower! Maybe William because he insulted her last week. William stays! Get rid of Republican Ben! Her dress looks like a bad '70s curtain tonight. West is going home! Oh no. He looks so sad. I think he deserves better than this stupid reality show. Oh, he's so sad and talking about his dead wife and moving on. Awww.

Next week will have some dramzz! Bentley's going to show up again? WHHYYYY? Bullshit.

Quote of the Day: Anticipating a New Victims of Chainsaw Massacres Lobby!

2011-06-13T17:49:00.000-04:00

Sady Doyle poked her head back in at Tiger Beatdown recently to contemplate the horror that is the fact that that Human Centipede movie that everyone said was gross and horrible is getting a sequel. But this time with more raping! A prime quotation on why sexual assault as just another horror trope is pretty, well, horrible:

Chainsaw murder is pretty terrible, true, but if you are reading this, my guess is that you have never been murdered with a chainsaw. It’s unlikely that a movie is going to cheapen, sensationalize or trivialize your experience as a chainsaw murder victim.

Oh that Sady Doyle, putting it all into perspective.

Stay tuned to the blog as I will be drinking and live-blogging the 4th episode of The Bachelorette tonight (though it can only prove to be a let-down after last week's trashy dramafest) and the Sexy Gay Jesus will be answering a reader's question!

Terrible Fashion Decisions Caught on Reality TV

2011-06-09T01:52:00.003-04:00

First, the first episode of The Bachelorette, Ashley was wearing this sparkly white-person-nude-colored mermaid dress. She is kind of orange, so the dress color is a little too close to her skin and not quite working for her. This is not to mention the fact that she's both muscular and petite, whereas I think mermaid dresses are more suited to ridiculously tall and lanky people (in my opinion). But the color by itself was not flattering:

"Don't worry, in a week or so I'm going to joke about how small your boobs are and how we all wish you were someone else. But then I'll feel bad when your feelings are hurt... so that's something."

I was watching The Haunted on Animal Planet, and saw Bernard here with his unfortunate facial hair. Goatee? Soul patch? Poorly distributed stubble? Make up your mind and either shave all over or not at all, friend.

No. Just no.

On a fabulous episode of It's Me or the Dog entitled "Bully" starred this fellow who was a 20 year-old bro with a scary dog. He was terrified of neutering his dog because he was invested in the animal's balls. Anyway, he was ridiculous:

He definitely has some Four Loko in the fridge.

I've watched a few episodes of My Cat From Hell, and they seem to largely feature neurotic young (white) couples fighting over their misbehaving pets. Por ejemplo: look at these fucking hipsters (nothing is wrong with what they're wearing per se, but they whole scene is just so... you know):

Glasses here has some more "artistic" frames he wears sometimes and enjoys spending time in his workshop with his hipster fucking table saw--just a "couple zips" and you have a new cat climbing shelf!

Although I shouldn't really be surprised seeing how the show's host/resident cat behaviorist/musician/facial hair artist is this guy:

His name is Jackson Galaxy. This is not a joke.

On an episode about a haunted hotel on The Haunted, I spotted Laurie. Laurie probably went to the beauty shop and put on her best makeup before her talking head interviews and this is still what happened:

Animal Planet is still national television, friend.

I was watching So You Think You Can Dance last week and spotted Mary Murphy wearing a number of unfortunate outfits (not to mention the icky brassy shade of her massive amounts of hair right now), but seriously what is going on with that choker and that purple velour thing?

Friends don't let friend appear on television like this. Maybe these people need some new friends. Or they could call me for advice.

A number of items of business

2011-06-08T19:31:00.000-04:00

Friends,

1. A friend of mine on Facebook has revealed to me the fact that Three Olives Vodka now has a "DUDE" Mountain Dew flavor. As I can attest from a mistake over reunion weekend, vodka in a can of Mountain Dew is pretty gross, but perhaps this flavor in something else wouldn't be too bad. I heard it's available at at least one bar in town, though I prefer to do vodka tastings by the bottle and in my home, so I may wait until it comes to the actual liquor store (there's only one). Anyway, bro drinks = important news on this blog.

2. Seriously, it seemed people were excited about advice from the Sexy Gay Jesus (including one particular blogger I admire who condescended to this here blog to ask Our Sexy Lord and Savior's opinion on bouncing back from a breakup, romantic comedy-style). I've had friends in person claim they would send SGJ questions, but they have failed to do so. Consider this a guilting/reminder to submit something. Clicka-clicka on my profile over there and email me (the SGJ doesn't need his own email account, he can just turn on his omniscience whenever he wants. He usually doesn't want, just like Mr. Deity--see below.) Do you want 2000+ years' worth of life experience tinged with glitter and rainbows to go to waste? I did not think so.

3. Google has offered that I can do something with the blog layout settings that will make it fancy/attractive for people who may read this on a mobile device. Do people really read blogs on their phones? Is my page difficult to view on such a device? Should I bother with this? Also: I checked my analytics stats recently and people from, like, Bulgaria and Laos have somehow stumbled upon my blog. So, Здравейте and ສະບາຍດີ to you, international websurfers! Come for the frequent use of the phrase "sexy gay" that directs traffic here and stay for the ridiculousness.

Live-blogging episode 3 of The Bachelorette

2011-06-06T20:00:00.017-04:00

Can't wait for more trashiness to begin! I just got back from vacation and only have brandy left for booze. I predict I will get drunker tonight than I did all reunion weekend.

I love that Phantom of the Jeff is an "entrepreneur." I think he entrepreneurs his own line of costume masks!

Ashley is wearing an off-the shoulder top and tight white pants. Isaac calls it her CSI: Miami outfit. She and Ben the lawyer are going dancing. Can it really be considered a "flash mob" if it's organized by a national television network? The mob is a surprise for him, OMG. They're dancing to this classy song:

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;B&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp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Ben is incredulous! I also approve of the fact that he knows all the words to this fabulous drunk song. The crowd heckles them into kissing.

BTWs, I totally picked a Fantasy Bachelorette team: West, Phantom of the Jeff, and Blake the Dentist. I predicted Bentley would go home, but the previews already showed us he's going to duck out this week.

Whoa, Ben is talking way too fast about love to Ashley at dinner. Isaac thinks he sounds like the MicroMachines announcer right now. BEN SLOW DOWN! It's cute how nervous he is. He gets a rose. Isaac and I support his sincere awkwardness.

Phantom of the Jeff gets to go on the group date, and the mask has been an "amazing, life-changing experience." You've certainly changed my life on Monday nights while drinking, Jeff! He's going to reveal his face before the date. The falcon and and the squirrel on set are ready for the reveal too! She thinks he looks old. Somebody just asked if his superpowers felt diminished.

Surfhair, William the Cellphone Salesman, Dax Shepard, Phantomless Jeff, and two other blond guys are on this date. They've called in an insult comic to roast Ashley, which previews have already shown us she can't handle. DON'T AGREE TO A ROAST IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE DISHING. Oh, Ames with Eyes Too Far Apart is also there. Isaac thinks he looks like a J. Crew model. Only if J. Crew puts fish in their catalog--BURN! I should do a roast of that guy's face. This is going to be rough/fabulous trashy TV! Good god, William thinks he's a comedian and this is his big break. I can't wait for after the commercial break!

This roast is a prime example of why I must drink while I watch this show. Isaac has to hide his face. Lucas made fun of Ames' forehead. I respect that. Ames made a paper mask. "Zorro's unemployed brother" Jeff is up now. He thinks he's really funny and made fun of her "small boobs." It's pretty clear they don't know her at all and have nothing to joke about. William thinks people who are "soft" at roasts are douchebags. William "knows her so well" because they had a date. He keeps joking about how he wished it was a different girl. Even Bentley knows not to say it to her face. She said he's not getting a rose. Now Ashley is crying. Bentley goes to find her to "mess with her head" and comfort her. Crying is "not attractive." His sympathy does not seem sincere, but she is falling for that shit. She says he's "a real guy." He's not real, he just knows what moves to pull with you. I might have to chug the rest of this Diet Coke and cheap brandy to get through the rest of this episode!

This is going to be rough. She's explaining what she was sad about. Worst. Date. Ever. She and William are going to talk. I'm going to drink a lot. He stopped thinking about her feelings because making people laugh is important. Is he crying or pretending to now? He's offering to go home, which is actually pretty respectable. "I'm an idiot." Now he's walking the streets, brooding. She wanted his comfort, and can't really pay attention to the other dudes. She is so insecure.

Ashley: vulnerable. She wants some comfort. Ryan did a good job. He held her hand and told her he was happy it was her and they kissed and it was kind of cute.

J.P. got called on a date by Tyra Mail!

Bentley is being creepy again. She looks slightly bow-legged in skinny jeans and huge heels. She is telling him about the stuff she heard about him before she got here. He is not really reacting very well and pretends they have something "going on" together. He ID'ed the source as his ex-wife, but isn't really denying. She doesn't want him to leave. He's now pissed that his ex interfered. Ryan gets the rose! Good. Bentley's going to "check out" now. I hope so. He sucks. He's made himself out to be a cartoonish villain at this point.

She's walking ponderously next to some water. She's in love with Bentley for some reason. He wants to leave and pronounced "ASAP" as a word. Phantom of the Jeff is pissed at him for fucking with her. Jeff's eyes are pretty, too bad he hid them behind a mask for so long. The dudes are telling Bentley he's a good guy for ducking out with conscience. He called them "idiots." He claims he's the first to "play everyone." No way. He's going to make Ashley cry, but is okay with it as long as his hair looks all right. ALERT: your hair is just as douchey as your soul and your fucking luxury car first name, asshole.

Bentley can't "go through this anymore" because Ashley is not that Emily person. Ashley's apparently an "ugly duckling." Ashley's going to take this all sadly and not get mad like Ali did last time with the Wrestler. Bentley's going to claim that he has to go home for his daughter. Why doesn't he just tell her he's not into her if he's leaving anyway? Stop stroking her bangs and hugging her, you creep! STOP WITH THE LIES! Why does she believe his fake tears and shit? I think Ashley is wearing false eyelashes casually. Don't call your daughter an angel, that's creepy. Just leave, you fucking creep. I just bellowed in frustration, people, that's how bad this is. She's going to be even sadder when she finds out the truth. He just picked her up like a monkey. Ew. Gross. Gross. Stop touching and go away. Ew. Ew. Ew. He's not into her, but he'd apparently fuck her. He's pretending they might still have a future together. He turned her face by her chin. I told Isaac I would punch him if he ever did that. Isaac was hoping Bentley would put his hand on the window as he left. Ashley is now climbing into her shiny bed to cry. Now it's raining, just like Ashley's soul right now. Or, as Isaac says, "cold and dark, just like his heart." Totes.

BULLET DODGED, even if her heart is "like, totally broken."

Now she's crying next to the fire and apparently still believes Bentley. BULLSHIT. Too bad she has to go on a date with J.P. now. He's all constructiony. Isaac called him "Lance" because of the shaved head. They're going to hang out at her place on the fuzzy rug by the fire. She questions his dating history. They're in PJs now, which is actually pretty cute and also more like my real-life dates. She promises a fun NEXT date and he turned red. It was so cute. She has to take off her casual PJs glasses to kiss him more. Awwww.

NIGHT OF THE ROSE CEREMONY, PEOPLE. OMG crazy sparkly dress and missing Bentley. YUCK. Oh Chris Harrison tries to comfort her. He tries to ask her whether she liked him because of the warnings. She thinks there's no closure with Bentley, and Chris Harrison is telling her that he clearly didn't want to make it work if he doesn't plan on coming back. Chris Harrison sounds so smart now. No cocktail party she says, only rose ceremony. Isaac has a crush on Dax Shepard's striped bowtie.

The sparkles on her dress are huge plastic chunks. Ames does not look really smart. Constantine sticks around even though no one could remember his name. WEST STAYS HOORAY BECAUSE HE IS SO CUTE. Mickey the Ken doll is still in. Dax stays. Ames looks like a neanderthal. The dentist is in still. Surfhair/soul patch stays. Dummy Ames stays. He's not even wearing a jacket! Lucas is still here. Why are there so many blond guys? Fingers crossed for Jeff! No, she's keeping William even though he was inconsiderate earlier. Poor Phantomless Jeff! He no longer holds her interest without a mask. Chris D. is "stunned" that he's leaving. Jeff did not prolong that goodbye. HE IS BURNING HIS MASK I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

Could Ames look any duller? They're going to Thailand next week! This is like Eat, Pray, Love, but hopefully actually fun to watch. Intra-dude drama coming up next week! Apparently Jeff reads ads on the toilet with his mask while Bentley fixes his hair.

UPDATE: Jezebel put together a compilation video of Bentley's douchitude.

Energy Drink Review: Team Realtree Outdoor Energy BLAZE ORANGE

2011-06-04T16:49:00.000-04:00

Hello friends,

I am currently in St. Paul, MN for my college reunion. I drank some vodka poured in a can of Mountain Dew last night in a dorm, much to my body's chagrin. But then I took a break and there have been no lasting effects from that amateur mistake. Anyway, this afternoon I'm doing work for the online class I am taking and drinking a special new (to me) beverage we picked up at a gas station in Wisconsin on the drive up here on Thursday: a special hunting-themed energy drink! So apropos for Wisconsin. You can join Team Realtree and post your hunting pictures. My favorite part of this line of drinks is that not only are the cans nature-based camouflage, but they are NOT FOR CITY BOYS.

Seriously. This is seriously happening.

Because I was uninterested in the low-carb can, I got BLAZE ORANGE. It is helping me feel relatively alert while reading and writing. It mostly just tastes like orange soda, though. Only a tinge of energy-based chemicals. The first two ingredients are carbonated water and high fructose corn syrup, taurine and caffeine come later. So I'm not shaky, but it is somewhat effective. I recommend buying this if you are ever lucky enough to come upon it, because it is so ridiculously hunting-themed/gendered.

Live blogging the second episode of "The Bachelorette"

2011-05-30T19:56:00.022-04:00

Bros fighting bros for the attention of a tan lady with self-esteem issues. Can't wait! I was considering taking a booze break tonight until I remembered that this would be on, and I cannot watch The Bachelorette sober, it is too embarrassing. I just recently discovered Chambord-flavored vodka, which is quite tasty with Sprite-type product for the drinking. The previews show us that Ashley cannot tell when she's being lied to! Heartbreak ahead, young one. Keep refreshing this page to get new commentary every few minutes. Or just read it when I'm done or skip over it completely because you don't care about this show like I suspect is the case with most of you.

Group dates begin! Oh masked Jeff, so excited to get to know you better.

William, who has an illustrious career at a cell phone kiosk is going on an individual date to Las Vegas.

Isaac tells me that when I was getting my noodles ready, the dudes in the house were aghast that Ashley was driving the fancy sports car, even after William got picked up. I tend to like it when the dude drives because I want to get drunk. But I think they were more concerned with proper gender roles.

Phantom of the Jeff is taking the "stealth approach." I am looking forward to seeing what the Dax Shepard/winery guy is like. He seems pretty normal, even if his hair is just as unfortunate as Dax Shepard.

BTWs, looking forward to the new weight loss transformation show on after this! "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition"--no joke. I don't care if the "obesity epidemic" is bullshit and fat hatred is a serious problem, I just love trashy TV in which people overcome obstacles!

Ashley is being treated like a celebrity in Vegas. She is also wearing a tiny white dress that is like Cher's "underwear" Calvin Klein dress in Clueless.

I'd punch Ashley in the face if she slammed cake into my face.

She's fucking with William and acting like their planning on a wedding. He followed through and said "I do," but she's hesitating. "Not yet," she says. Now they're kissing because the pastor said they could!

I am not going to lie, I kind of wish I were single just so I could go on The Bachelor and just confuse everyone by neither acting correctly femininely nor actually liking whatever bland bro is supposed to be the "prize."

As they get into the rowboat to go out to a dinner in the middle of the Bellagio fountains, I think perhaps Ashley should consult the Am I Wearing a Dress? flowchart.

"I'm looking for someone who's serious." Ditz voice! He didn't go to college, but his alcoholic dad is dad. CHARACTER DEPTH! He's making Ashley cry. His watch is broken at his dad's TOD, and he still wears it. That's kind of creepy. Ashley's dad is a boozer too! They're emotionally broken twins!

TYRA MAIL! Group date invite.

Ashley is totes into his serious family tragedy side and gives him a rose. Now they are making out in front of the fountain and Ashley's fans are creepily cheering from the street. Ominous previews show us that Bentley is a douche--the guy she was warned about, so I don't know why she would ever trust him unless she's merely a glutton for punishment.

A bunch of the dudes head to Vegas for their group date. Ashley's going to be "juggling" twelve guys. Her jeans are very tight and she's wearing them with white high heels. I do not approve of this look. I love it when the contestants talk like they've planned every element of the date, instead of the producers.

A dance crew performs. Ashley joins them on stage because apparently she dances or something. Blake the dentist is worried about dancing. There are two crews of dudes performing against each other. The winning crew will stay and perform in the show, and the other dudes have to go back to the mansion.

I love watching these guys, who are not dancers, trying to choreograph a routine. Dax Shepard is enthusiastic is about this event. One team is doing a rose ceremony dance, and the others are doing a wedding routine. The hairstylist is going to be the groom! Bentley just has a creep aura about him. How can she not see that?

I do like that one of the team's called themselves "No Rhythm Nation." They won. Blahblahblah. Half the dudes are leaving, but Dax Shepard and Bentley are still here. The bros going home are depressed. West the Lawyer is cute and came up with the clever dance crew name.

Ashley's "living a fairy tale" with this dance performance. They all have masks. Too bad Phantom of the Jeff isn't here, he'd have to go mask-on-mask. Bentley says with no emotion that this is the "coolest thing he's ever done." Some other dude just called her body "incredibly tight." Which, while true, kind of creepy to hear.

Sorry, I missed a little bit while hanging a blanket out on the line (yes, it's still light out).

West the lawyer is widowed. I like his interesting jacket. He's trying to explain why he's reserved. He's freaking her out with his seriousness. Ashley is so touched. "That's pretty heavy," she says. He's totes ready to put himself back out there. God, he's cute AND deep.

The bros are battering William about his single date. God, so much masculinity. Yuck. Bentley is competitive and loves her butt. He doesn't like her, but he does like beating other bros. She's "not his type." Apparently his type has icky butts. He misses his daughter. His poor kid. Her dad sucks. She's begging him to stick around if he "feels something for her." Gross. EW she is giving the rose to Bentley. WHY?! She must have a thing for dudes who don't like her. West actually likes her, though. Can't she tell Bentley is covered in a sheen of smarm?

Another date card comes with a coin toss for a one-on-one date. Mickey with the spiky hair and glasses gets to go. He's a CHEF. J.P. feels so "deflated." Like a PENIS, am I right?

Whoa, I am not too sure about Ashley's white blazer. I am not sure how she remembers these dudes names. She must have flashcards. They coin-flipped for red or white wine. White won. Blech. She has to take a swing up some sort of tall wine storage area. Now he's carrying her. But they keep flipping coins. Now they're looking at manta rays. Now she has to answer a "truth" question. She cried while watching the season she was on. I don't know if I could watch a reality show with myself on it.

God, Mickey looks like a Ken doll. Phantom of the Jeff is wearing a hat, too, and pacing by the pool. He's giving an "I'm not here to make friends" speech!

Apparently the Mickey date has another leg. Mickey is an only child, but his mom is dead. He's a "huge mama's boy," which Ashley is totes into. Sounds a little bit gay to me. I think they screen these dudes with three questions: 1. Are you white? 2. Are you generically attractive? 3. Do you have a deceased loved one you can confide in the bachelorette about?

She is "unsure" about her feelings and wants to flip a coin for the rose. He's getting it and not going home. She claims she was just fucking with him, which is kind of mean. Some musician I don't recognize is now performing for them. Oh, it's Colbie Caillat. Jason Mraz's ex-girlfriend or whatever who does that cotton commercial. Never mind, Wikipedia tells me they just sang that one song together.

This rose ceremony is feeling a little bit "real."

J.P. finally gets a chance to talk to her. He's going to flip a coin for a kiss. Woo! OW! williams' doing a George W. Bush impression. West thinks he's a douche. I trust West's instincts. Surf hair is wearing a wall street shirt and teaching Ashley some line-dancing. This random blog calls it an "asshole collar" (colored shirt with white collar). William is being a little bit douchey and rubbing in the fact that he has a rose and is kissing up and kissing her face.

Phantom of the Jeff is lurking from a balcony again. The mask "isn't a joke." He's cornered Ashley on the stairs. He had a brain thing several years ago and got divorced. Another dude interrupted them before he could take off his mask!

This guy is claiming he had to kill thousands of Spartans to get in to talk to her. She thinks he's funny. Bentley is such a DOUCHE. He's picking her up. EW. Now she's on his lap and he doesn't want to talk. Now they are kissing YUCK HE IS SO GROSS. His talking head interview said he didn't enjoy the kiss. She says she is sensing sincerity in him. Her sensors need repairs.

Rose ceremony! Three dudes are going home tonight. She wants the guys to have "faith in the process." She thinks her husband is in the room. Weird. West was first! Hooray! He is so cute. The Spartans guy got one. I love these dramatic pauses. Surf hair gets one too. Phantom of the Jeff gets to stay! And J.P. No longer deflated. Totes INflated, bitchez! I'm pleased Dax is staying on. I love that Chris Harrison tells them it's the final rose. She chose the dentist. Now they can be Type A together!

The guy who called his mom is now calling his mom to tell her he's been eliminated and expects french toast when he gets back. The hairstylist is also gone.

Looks like next week Bentley is going to break Ashley's heart and she's going to crawl in bed and cry. OMG, after-credits footage of Phantom of the Jeff swimming and eating chips. He looks so ridiculous. I love it! Apparently he also vacuums in boxer shorts. Can't wait for next week's trashy drama!

Who the hell is the SGJ anyway?

2011-05-30T15:58:00.000-04:00

A concerned reader wrote in:

Dear Ms. Chesnut,

Can you please pinpoint for me, an admiring reader, your first blog reference to and/or best explanation of His Holiness, the SGJ? I want to make a link.

Kind Regards,

Alowishus Zinkerbottum

While I will not pretend that I believe that is a real name, I did go back into ye olde archives and find my earliest explanation of the Sexy Gay Jesus from way back in April of 2008: The Sexy Gay Jesus: Who's your god now? Thank you, Mr. "Zinkerbottum", for letting us all revisit that time in my life when I was mostly interested in drinking and meeting boys and using my friendship/devotion to the SGJ to facilitate such things. (I still am interested in drinking and chillin' with the Sexy Gay, but being married makes meeting boys far less of a priority.) ANYWAY, remember to send me your life advice questions and/or inquiries about the universe or whatever for the Sexy Gay Jesus. He likes to feel needed. Between well-deserved hangovers, anyway.

Energy Drink Review: Neutron Energy

2011-05-27T17:03:00.000-04:00

Hey gang,

I was at Big Lots! the other day looking for various items (new shampoo, an empty plastic spray bottle, drain cleaner, and/or whatever looks interesting) and checked out the energy drink/beverage section and saw a brand I had never tried before. The Neutron Energy drink claims to give you "The Lift You Need!" It is apparently packaged by "RNR Beverage Co." Neither the drink nor the company appear to exist on the internet. Totally not sketchy, Big Lots! retailers!

It tastes quite a bit like a citrus-y sour gummy worm. Not bad. It has given me some energy, though it doesn't bill caffeine as one of its top ingredients. A 16-ounce can should really make me a bit shaky and/or give me heart palpitations for it to really be good, though so only a mild endorsement for this drink that only exists right now at the Bowling Green, Ohio Big Lots! store.

Pluggers act as the receptacle for my unemployed frustration

2011-05-26T20:10:00.000-04:00

I don't have a lot going on these days besides online class-taking and working my way through Lark Rise to Candleford and Trailer Park Boys. Anyway, I realized it has been some time since I took a special moment to insult the classic anti-elitist one-panel cartoon Pluggers.

This is clearly a lie. Pluggers get their energy from meth and Mountain Dew.

Maybe pluggers should walk then, if their vehicles of conveyance are so goddamn taxing. Not to mention that I find it quite hard to believe that pluggers would play such a foppish "sport." Besides, pluggers don't play sports anyway, they merely watch them on their old-timey TVs while drinking off-brand beer and eating pounds of chips. Duh.

This panel is too horrifying for words. Except the ones I've just typed.

"In style"? Ironic hipster in style, maybe. When the tattooed tech guy in your office starts telling you how awesome your vintage tie is, maybe you should start wondering if you're really pulling it off. You're a plugger, after all. Don't you pride yourselves on being the least fashionable, most clueless, luddite-est human/animal giant mutants around? SRSLY.

I live-blog the "Bachelorette" premiere

2011-05-23T21:59:00.008-04:00

Yes, I'm live-blogging again, but I found the season premiere of "The Bachelorette" on and just watched all the bros introduce themselves and cannot resist!

Update from first half: So far I think the wine-maker guy with the Dax Shepard hair is the most likable, and my ironic favorite is the guy in the mask. If I were that one dude with the camera, I would totes get a picture of Chris Harrison, too. He is the perfect mix of helpful and smarmy.

"It's gonna take a little bit of guts and nuts," says the solar power executive. He's pulled Ashley aside. He is describing his awesome business. She seems impressed, though.

Winery guy is up next. He thinks she's pretty. Ashley told another guy that she loves mama's boys. He is insisting that they call her mother right now. CREEPY. Mom wants them to use protection.

A guy with a guitar has just rack-jacked the other dudes. Three-piece has a song for her! He just threw the guitar in the pool! He doesn't actually play. What a douche! Guitars are expensive.

New York liquor distributor hates the mask guy. "I think he's a creeper."

Some douche is holding up signs outside the window like he's a fan outside the "Today" show. He is apparently French-y. He has kind of '90s executive hair.

Why is she wrapped in furs? Some dude is trying to do impressions. He billed himself as a "30 year-old boy." RED FLAG.

She's now talking to shy liquor guy Tim who insulted the mask dude. He is so awkward. Also, he's drunk. This is so awkward. Everybody else is laughing at him right now. She didn't understand him when he said he sold "wine and spirits" for a living. "I had a few cocktails." She feels bad for him. Now he has the hiccups! That is so hilarious.

Ohio guy is a teetotaler because his dad's an alcoholic. Mask guy is coming up to drunky! This is bad! Tim the Drunk wants to fight him. Jeff with the mask is a "mature adult" even though he is wearing a mask. Though he did walk away from Tim. Tim is snoring on the rattan couch under some furs! That is hilariously awesome. He snores so loud and Ashley can't wake him up.

Ashley has enlisted the other dudes to bring Tim to a car and send him home. She was saying she doesn't know if it's a one-time thing or not. But she is right that it doesn't matter because it's not like he didn't know he was on TV and acted poorly.

Phantom of the Mask Jeff is hovering and they keep playing sweet organ music every time they show him. He wants Ashley to "learn what's inside." Organs and blood veins!

Pink shirt shaved head is talking to her now. He thinks the dating scene in NYC is "a little stale." He's banged all the chicks he knows already. He bragged that he hasn't had a cavity since junior high--she's in dental school, so there have been lots of teeth jokes. He is called "cupcake" by his douchey boss, but Ashley wants to be called cupcake.

Ashley is now going to meet Bentley, who supposedly is here to promote his career. Ashley is skeptical. He's daughter's named Cozy. THAT IS SO TERRIBLE. RED RED RED FLAG. The message about him did originate with his ex-wife, so that may be sketchy.

First impression rose goes to some generic clean-cut guy named Ryan. They have a lot in common. They ARE both tan.

Bentley says he's not overly attracted to Ashley but that he is competitive. SKETCHY.

Rose ceremony! Whoa, Bentley just looked down sketchily. God that (tan white person) flesh-colored dress is not cute.

Mask is staying! I'd keep him too, just to see what other crazy shit he has up his sleeve. Winery Dax Shepard is staying. WOOT. I don't understand why all these guys kind of look the same. Also, they are all white. Does ABC not believe in interracial relationships? The hairdresser is in. Frenchy is also still in. Surfhair/personal trainer is staying. I don't even recognize some of these dudes. Clearly they haven't distinguished themselves. Blake the dentist is in. EW, the sexual assault kissing Mickey guy is staying. Exec hair is in, too. Pink shirt (JP) is now "Lance Armstrong" according to Isaac because of his shaved head. I love it when Chris Harrison announces that it's the last rose as if these white guys in suits are too dumb to count. She's keeping Bentley! I think she's want to know more about him.

So many chiseled jaws are dropping in disappointment right now. Anthony, I am not surprised you've been single for seven years with that strut. Why didn't you wear a tie! or button your shirt. He just called whatshisname with the mask "Batman." I love it. Thumbs in pockets in suit guy--Isaac scolds you for "dishonoring the garment." He thought Ashley was "the one" because he doesn't understand that you should meet people before you decide that. Now he's crying!

To look forward to: she apparently dances. They're going to go somewhere exotic ("Oriental" music). Oh, Thailand. Isaac, do not say it's going to be like "Eat, Pray, Love" because then I will kill myself. Yes, we watched it and it was TERRIBLE and made me hate white people even more than I already do. One guy threatened "manclaws." Mask is going to last. A clip of her kissing Bentley! Someone has to go to the ER in Asia. OMG I am so excited for this season of trashy drama awkward magic. Things are going to be bad with Bentley. Shots of Ashley crying in bed. Oh no! Yes. I will be back.

UPDATE: Facebook friends of mine on the West Coast let me know that the contestant dude from my hometown totally went to my elementary, junior high, and high schools. I barely knew him, but I do vaguely remember him. I consulted my old yearbooks, and it is definitely the same guy, but way less skinny and with less bleach and gel in his hair.

I live-blog "American Gigolo"

2011-05-23T00:44:00.003-04:00

Apropos video.

I heard this movie was "sexy," it has shirtless Richard Gere on the cover, and is available from Netflix streaming. Also, Isaac is working late and will not be subjected to it. However, I will share my favorite parts with you, dear readers:

The credits run over Blondie's Call Me, which reminds me of some other movie that I cannot think of right now, but it is definitely a good choice.

Richard Gere wears fancy suits and drives a nice car while picking up the ladies.

I am drinking right now, obviously. Just poured #3 for the evening.

Why are the women on his deck topless? I guess this is the madam's house. He asked if it was the client's first time or if she likes drugs (yes and no, by the way). He asked for a 60% cut. Also, he referred to the other guys as "retarded faggots." He is not very likable so far. Apparently he is awesome because he is educated and can get into fancy country clubs.

The madam wants to "help him with his Swedish." I am so using that as a euphemism from now on. Synthesizer version of "Call Me!"

He is hanging upside from a bar and lifting weights and practicing Swedish at the same time. This is ridiculous. He is also only wearing tiny shorts. I am okay with that part.

I think he may be pretending to be a chauffeur to make it more sexy when he hooks up with the rich lady client. She seems to be confused about why he is loitering in her hotel room.

He just told someone on the phone, "I love you." How MYSTERIOUS! He also keeps multiple jackets in this restaurant coatroom. He has quite the sexy strut going on! He is eying some older ladies from the bar now. He speaks to French to one of them. She's trying to "practice her college French" and she is buying him a drink now.

Uh-oh, she is married. But she tells him she's "not waiting for anyone." But he told her she doesn't understand herself. He is a dick. Though he does speak the "international language."*

Jazzy instrumental version of "Call Me" during L.A. driving montage! Oh my god, my mom totally had those giant sunglasses in the '80s. I should tell her she and Richard Gere have a lot in common in the '80s.

He just told this guy that he doesn't do "fags" or "couples." Pink sweater claims that it's for his wife and he wants to watch. She's waiting in the bed, naked. "I can take care of you," he says. "I know what you want." That's presumptuous. The husband is dictating that it should be from behind and that Richard Gere should "slap that cunt." Cut to another scene! Does he slap her?

Oh, his name is Julian. He has a black friend who he was subbing for when he had to do the "rough trick" he didn't like. Black friend warns him about "rich pussy" and his bitch madam turning on him.

Julian sings and dances around his apartment while rubbing coke on his gums and picking out sweet '80s suits for a trip or something. He's shirtless again, by the way. I think it may be Smokey Robinson, but googling the lyrics isn't working. He saunters in his own apartment.

What!? The Frenchy lady from the restaurant showed up at his place! She is thin and blonde and on the lower end of middle age. She assumed his apartment would look like a bordello. Oh, I guessed right according to IMDB--it is Lauren Hutton! I knew from the teeth. She wants to "cure" him from his sluttiness, apparently. I don't think I could be in a romantic relationship with a sex worker because I'd be afraid they were treating me like a job. She wants to pay him for fucking, and he is now groping her. He's kind of a dick unless he's working.

He is apparently being a phone sex operator while Lauren Hutton lays in bed next to him. It is unclear whether or not she's a client.

Julian knows his antiques. Apparently he and his date are running into another rich old lady at the auction house. He is pretending now to be foreign and a German designer. He seems to legitimately be having fun with this woman.

Lauren Hutton thinks it's a big deal that she pumped her own gas somewhere. Is that strange? It's not like it's Oregon or something. She's unhappy in her marriage and will pay him, but he doesn't want her money. God, she's skinny. She also has a very even tan on these incredibly clean sheets where they are naked cuddling.

She wants to get to know him, but he claims to be "from this bed." He prefers older women. Obviously. His ass is pale! It took three hours to get some old lady off. Now I see his penis! "Who else would have taken the time and cared enough to do it right?"

The lady from the "rough trick" earlier has apparently been murdered. I think this may be a problem for Julian. The homicide detective is interviewing him now. He has a hideous jacket. He reminds me of a young Hector Elizondo. Oh! I was right. He does have quite a distinctive voice.

Julian runs into Lauren Hutton with her husband at his political fundraiser. It is awkward.

Now he is wearing super-tight jeans in a records tore. Back when they sold mostly records but also cassette tapes. She is totally stalking him. She would never hurt him politically or leave him. The senator wants her to have a baby for his image. I kind of like her yellow sweater. Not for me, though. I cannot wear a yellow like that. He tells her to take her pleasure where she can. I think this is good advice.

A black man shines Julian's shoes as Det. Hector Elizondo questions him. Julian gives him seduction advice. On the illegality of prostitution: "Men make laws, sometimes they're wrong. Or jealous." This is a tricky business!

The police have ransacked his apartment. Do they really leave it messy after a search? Just to be dicks? Oh wait, we're talking about cops, of course they do.

His madam doesn't want to help him with his legal problems because he's been freelancing. She also thinks he actually killed that lady.

Lauren Hutton doesn't want to fuck him because he starts working when he does.

Julian is in a line-up for some reason. Detective Hector got a new jacket that is not orange and plaid. Hector doesn't want Julian to be guilty, but they found some handcuffs with the victim's fingerprints in his apartment. It is clearly bullshit. The antiques lady claims they weren't together all night the night of the murder. I can't believe this movie has a plot beyond just sexytimes.

Julian should've put the e-brake on his Mercedes in this scene. LEARN HOW TO HILL PARK, GEEZ. Antiques lady and her husband are all like, "Why did you give the police my name you lying liar slut?"

Julian is being followed by a man in a nice tan corduroy blazer. He was sent by the senator (L.Hutt's husband). Julian wrote his phone number on the man's forehead. This is an odd intimidation tactic. The senator called him a whore and said he'd pay him to leave her alone. Julian won't take the money! But the senator will get Julian kicked out of the country club if he keeps seeing her.

I just took a drink refill break when another "Call Me" instrumental driving montage started. Is it because he's a "call-boy." I can't believe that there is still over half an hour left in this movie. What will happen? Who killed that lady? Who's framing Julian? Will No-Shirt and Lady Gap-Tooth end up together? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Now I'll restart it.

Julian goes looking for his black friend/pimp Leon who got him mixed up with the rough trick/murder couple in the first place. God, people know Julian everywhere he goes. I am slightly jealous of that part of his job. All the doormen and coat check ladies and waitresses are like, "Hey, Julian," and he never has to pay. Julian is now at a gay leather/cowboy club. Some leather daddies just snorted coke on the dance floor, but they are not very good dancers. I think they are fake gays.

Leon is trying to get him to do a job. Julian says he won't work for him because "no more fag stuff, no more kinky stuff." Leon has to get him an alibi before he'll work for him again.

Hutton is back and Julian is so excited. I think her character's name is Michelle. She is wearing all beige. "I always want to fuck you," she clarifies. Her husband's trying to get her out of the way for awhile during the primary election.

"All my life I've been looking for something. I don't know what it is. Maybe you're what I'm looking for." HOT. She takes it poorly. I don't understand why she won't just leave her husband.

Julian spots a young buck coming out of his building (which is a hotel, BTWs) and suspects something is amiss in his apartment. Yes, pull all the books off the shelves, I'm sure that's where they put the bug or the crime scene "evidence."

This search would be a lot easier if he turned the lights on. Now he's destroying his stereo and some vases. Whoa, he has a huge mirror behind his bed. Slightly bordello-ish, I must say.

A mysterious substance on his car! If he were Mulder he would taste it right now. Now he is pulling elements of his car engine out to look for planted items. This scene does take place in a parking garage, it's almost like an X-Files episode. He just found a bag of jewels taped to the bottom of his car. He totally joked about some jewels being stolen earlier with Det. Hector. Now he's rented a car.

Lauren's dress has the deepest cut dress ever. But since she is so scrawny, it is mostly sternum showing. Julian approaches some more rentboys looking for Leon. Sketchy black gay pimp!

Julian is on the run/in hiding or something right now. Man with awesome red beard, take a drink! He refuses a jacket at the restaurant where he has tracked down his madam. She's just pissed he stood up the Swedish lady he was supposed to "host."

Lauren is also at this restaurant and wearing a scandalously low-cut blouse. More collar bone, bitchez! He squeezes her arms as he tells her a scandal is coming. He claims he never loved her even though she believes he's innocent. This movie is more compelling than I expected it to be, though definitely less sexy.

Oh, he should've traded in that rental car a few days ago and gotten rid of those planted(?) jewels which are with him in the rented car. Leon and the Young Buck from the parking garage both just met up at a hotel and Julian saw them. Leon says his alibi's "not ready." Julian accuses him of a frame-up. He blames the Young Buck.Y.B. is bad at rough sex and accidentally killed her. Julian offers Leon money and work. Julian is totes desperate and says he'll even do fag tricks.

How is he going to get out of this? Oops, Julian almost knocked Leon over the balcony. It would be real bad if he fell. Oh, cowboy boots don't make a good grip. Now he's screwed as the Y.B. drives away. Julian should call the police now as he sits on Leon's sparkly couch.

Now he's been arrested. He won't speak to the press. Good idea. Never answer questions from people who crowd and yell at you. Assholes. Hector is disappointed. Julian pretty well knows it's over.

Lauren Hutton visits Julian in jail. She's not going on her bad wife European tour anymore. Julian wants her to never come back, but not leave now. He is totes conflicted.

She is paying for his lawyer now. There's a witness about Leon, so he's only being charged with the kinky lady's murder. Now she's saying they were together that night. She loves him! He lays his head through the glass on her hand. That is the end of the movie. It is unclear what really happened sort of. That could have been sexier/more satisfying in the end. Whatever.

*Makes me want to watch Better Off Dead.

The Sexy Gay Jesus' Breaking Up Pain Relief Plan

2011-05-22T23:44:00.004-04:00

The SGJ and I are flattered and humbled that a favorite advice blogger of ours, Captain Awkward has turned to our flamboyant lord and savior for life advice. This is some real shit, yo.

Dear Sexy Gay Jesus:

I have believed in you ever since my mom sent me an Easter Card that she bought from one of the charities that helps artists who have no arms paint religious scenes with their toes. There you were, coming out of the tomb, wearing only a strategically-draped sheet, with your arms up to announce "I'm here and I'm queer!" You were so fabulous, I kept that painting of you on my fridge for years. [SGJ note: I am so flattered!]

My boyfriend and I are breaking up after 4.5 years. Fortunately we still like each other, and while living in the same house and separating all of our stuff is awkward and involves a lot of crying, there is also a lot of hugging and laughing and telling each other that we'll be okay.

So here's my problem. I need to turn my life into one of those montages in bad chick movies, like, yeah, you are newly single and it can be hard and scary, but look at you with your new haircut and hip single-lady apartment and how you ride your bike down the street with a baguette hanging jauntily out of your shopping bag and oh yeah, you just got your dream job while some iconic pop song plays.

Could you put together some inspiring suggestions for things I could include in this Total Life Makeover Montage and also some accompanying pop music?

I have faith in you, Sexy Gay Jesus.

Dear Captain Awkward,

I am so sorry to hear that your long-term relationship is coming to a close. I am not going to lie, as an attractive homosexual deity, I tend to do more fooling around than relationshipping, but I draw upon centuries of prayers, Lauren's own experiences with serial monogamy, the chick flicks you speak of, and a few ill-chosen partners of my own to try to help you.

First things first: I am so glad you and your ex are on good terms. This often speaks to a base level of friendship in the relationship as well as maturity and/or a healthy avoidance of conflict. However, sometimes the "we're still good friends" situation can be even worse than "s/he is so terrible I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner let's go egg his/her home." This is especially so if you are still living together for the time being and/or still have to spend a lot of time together. I know you didn't ask my advice about this in particular, but if there's any way to speed up the geographic separation process, I say do it.* It's kind of like when I died for your (you plural, not just you, Capt. Awkward) sins and then spent a few days in hell or whatever and then was resurrected. That post-resurrection period was SO AWKWARD. After most of the disciples accepted that it was really me and they got tired of thrusting their hands into my side-wounds, it became very clear that no matter how much we still cared for each other, it was time for me to go. So I ascended to heaven. Presumably you have to wait until your new lease starts or whatever, but I say spend as much time out and about and/or with other people besides your live-in ex as much as possible. It's hard to start the grieving and recovery process if you haven't fully separated yet, is what I'm saying. You have to not see your ex for awhile while you do nothing but think about him while trying to do anything but think about him.

But the asked-for advice: happy single lady montage! It is the truth that it will be for a few months probably a "trying to be happy but actually moving super-slowly montage," but you do have to start the journey before it can become real (as real as chick flicks can get, anyway). I like all your suggestions of things to include in this montage: haircut (I would also add some new outfits!), exciting new apartment with nobody else's icky body hair showing up in your shower, biking, bread products, cheesy pop songs, etc. All good ideas! Lady friends and/or sassy gay friends are necessary to this process--especially kind but honest ones who will tell you when you are either not fully processing or talking a little bit too much about the breakup or if you should stop debating and just pour another drink.

Next I would suggest projects. We can't all appear as the messiah to the future Native Americans like I did in my immediate post-resurrection phase, but any sort of commitment that requires time, effort, concentration, and/or creativity is good for making the time pass in a more montage-like fashion. Presumably you have some projects you've been meaning to work on, a friendship you have yet to explore, or any various things you neglected because your partner didn't like them as much as you and you were too lazy to do them alone. Start a book club or a regular game night! Take a class! Force yourself to exercise regularly but in a way that makes you feel mentally and physically healthy and has nothing to do with beach bodies.** I know it is not fair that I am Jesus and can just will myself six-pack abs, but going for a run or a swim or a bike ride or trying to out-grunt the bros in the weight room at the gym can still be very satisfying if you need to distract yourself. Not all your projects will be successful or turn into anything long-term, but they will keep you busy, social, and interesting.

Other recommendations: strike a balance between brooding alone time and making yourself go to social events. Get drunk and sing ridiculous songs at karaoke. Find (or make up if you have to) reasons to be angry at your ex so you can move past just being sad and start recognizing the reasons it had to end. Put Flight of the Conchords season one, Party Down, or Parks & Rec or another show that makes you happy on repeat.*** Read trashy murder mystery/fantasy/sci-fi/romance/nerdy history/whatever your not-so-guilty pleasure is in books. Develop inappropriate but un-pursuable crushes on celebrities, acquaintances, or strangers. This is good practice for when you are (one day) ready to venture into the dating world again. Call old friends. Call your parents. Let people be extra-nice to you for a bit. Maybe try out a promiscuous phase if you're feeling up to it--or don't! That is okay, too! Develop an obsession with Ke$ha and/or glitter. (Maybe start spelling Captain with a cent symbol.) And try to avoid the ex until you feel like your montage is coming to a natural close and then you can see if you will really be a part of each other's lives for the duration.

I do not feel like I'm telling you anything you don't know, Captain Awkward, as you are such a fine advisor yourself. But if you want it in a nutshell, here it is: do lots of stuff, try to be fabulous, love yourself, and always carry a baguette.

Love and tequila shots,
The Sexy Gay Jesus

Two break-up themed songs that never fail to fill me with happiness:

Email me if you want life advice from the Sexy Gay Jesus!

*Lauren's personal note: Sometimes it is a little bit worse when you are sad about your breakup, so you call your best friend to come over and give you a hug except that it is the same person who you are breaking up with, so then it is awkward. And then you realize you need a new best friend.
**"Beach Bodies" would make a good Kathy Reichs book title about a North Carolina coast spring break gone wrong.
*** So what if two of these shows feature Adam Scott? He is the cutest cute thing that has ever been cute, in my divine opinion.

I totally know this guy

2011-05-18T02:33:00.000-04:00

I haven't seen him in several years, but I used to sing in concert and jazz choir with this kid. We also used to make pizzas together at work in high school. He did used to claim that he couldn't work Friday nights because he had "guitar lessons." Whether or not they were really on Fridays, it appears they've paid off with his first fancy video:

Search terms! Andrew Jackson!

2011-05-17T21:20:00.000-04:00

Hello friends,

This is like a fake post, but it is always at least mildly interesting to me when people put up what kind of search terms lead people to their sites. So I was checking my Google Analytics for the first time in quite some time (do that many people really read my blog?), and thought I'd share some favorites that led people to this glorious place:

First of all, the top two terms are "andrew jackson" (by far) and "creepy doll." I feel good about this.

-weather channel ladies
-naked workout videos
-sexy gay
-andrew jackson was an asshole
-wisconsin is awesome
-barbie gymnastics equipment (woot!)
-1800s ku klux klan costume ("costume," sure)
-authentic squanto outfits
-can drinking straight liquor burn your tongue (not so far!)
-douchebag vancouver wa (ha!)
-hymen gel for thinning vagina is good or not (WHAT?!)
-jim jones maybe i could be blonder (also WHAT?!)
-made to live with my black male neighbor and be hississy [sic] slut (I hope this is a plot to some terrible porn movie and not some sort of racist and poorly-spelled cry for help.)
-t-rex arms
-what gender is rutherford b hayes (!)

Who are these people? Why does Google direct them to me? I cannot say, but I feel less crazy and creepy knowing what other people are searching for.

Jimmy Carter will beat us all to peanut heaven

2011-05-17T17:14:00.000-04:00

Several months ago, I did research on former United States President James Earl Carter! I never wrote a post. Now I will do so. My last presidential post was many moons ago with my write-up of Millard Fillmore. There aren't that many left, but if I actually get back into regular history posts, I may move on to vice-presidents. Maybe! No promises because of me being lazy. Ahem. Anyway:

I would wear this shirt so hard.

Jimmy Carter was born in 1924 in Georgia. He was the first president to be born in a hospital. Fancy! He was the first of four children. His dad was a business owner, and his mom was a nurse. Jimmy Carter has deep American roots! He has ancestors that came to North America from England in, like, the 1600s and one of his great-grandfathers served in the Confederate Army. As a child, our friend Jimmy was a smarty-pants, always reading, being good at basketball, and participating in the FFA when the letters still stood for something. Jimmy went to a regional college for a few years, and eventually was accepted to the U.S. Naval Academy in 1943. He served on ships and submarines in the Atlantic and the Pacific in WWII, originally planning a naval career. In 1946, he married Rosalynn Smith, and they ultimately had four wholesome children. After his father's death in 1953, though, Jimmy resigned from the Navy and went back to Plains, GA to help run the family business. Sounds like somebody wasn't so committed to the navalling business after all.

The family business was PEANUT FARMING. For serious. Somehow Carter messed up one of his fingers in an "agricultural accident." I think we should spread rumors that he fucked it up while doing something far more sordid (dog-fighting? illegal wrestling? lusting in his heart?). Anyway, Jimmy Carter also loved Jesus A LOT. During the '60s, he worked on a local political career, challenged fraud, and became a Georgia state senator for awhile, but failed to get the Democratic nomination for governor in 1966. But then in the 1970 gubernatorial campaign (GUBER like GOOBER like PEANUTS! I am so funny.) he was more successful. He called his primary competition "Cufflinks Carl" (this is clever!) and was elected even though he was not a segregationist (all though still kind of racist). He was a relatively progressive governor considering it was early '70s Georgia what with public desegregation, not hating ladies who get legal abortions, and making social justice-y and ethical-type programs a priority. He even eventually stopped loving the death penalty.

Anyway, he was a near miss for McGovern's VP in 1972, but got the presidential nomination in 1976. And he won! And my fellow Macalester alum Walter Mondale was his vice president.* Jimmy Carter is largely famous for reporting a UFO sighting** and saying uncomfortable, ungrandfatherly-seeming things to Playboy magazine. But whatever. He was the president during a terrible time. A terrible time for fashion, for politics, and for Jimmy Carter. He granted amnesty to Vietnam War draft dodgers, brokered the Camp David Accords, and suggested people use solar panels and wear more sweaters to save on energy costs (these all sound like good things to me).*** Also though, there was that unfortunate Love Canal incident, we had oil and energy crises, we were still all Cold Warrish and boycotted the 1980 Moscow Olympics because of that whole Afghanistan situation that we would totally end up taking over in like 20 years, also there was that thing called stagflation, which is a stupid way of saying that the economy was shit. Although shitty in a different way than it is shitty now.

Okay, so maybe he's not perfect, but still pretty awesome.

Because I am a liberal hippie communist, I tend to think that while it seems maybe Jimmy Carter was a little bit too nice to be president, he inherited some pretty nasty shit. I mean, the guy before him wasn't even elected. And I actually feel bad that the Iran hostage crisis became all about fucking over Jimmy Carter and then that cowboy movie star guy totally rewarded them with secret weapons that he totally "didn't know anything about" after defeating Jimmy in the 1980 election. Not that I'm bitter on Jimmy Carter's behalf. But Jimmy Carter would never be bitter because Jesus and peanuts keep him on the straight and narrow.

Like Taft, Carter's greatest achievements came post-presidency. Jimmy and Rosalynn started the Carter Center, which helps people and works on eradicating illnesses that sound really gross like Guinea worm disease. Carter also won the 2002 Nobel Peace Prize for being awesome. He is frequently called upon to serve diplomatic missions around the world because people outside of America don't hate him too much. He also likes building houses for poor people, occasionally publicly criticizing U.S. foreign policy, hanging out with the first (and slightly less douchey) George Bush, teaching Baptist Sunday school, solving problems in Palestine, riding bikes, winning awards, speaking up for ladies in the church and generally beating everybody at getting to heaven. So maybe the late '70s were a disaster for America, but I refuse to (completely) blame Jimmy Carter. I think if we were all a little bit more like Jimmy Carter, the world would be a better place. AND I NEVER SAY SHIT LIKE THAT SO TAKE MY SINCERITY VERY SERIOUSLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'LL HAPPEN AGAIN.

*We can't all be Kofi Annan or Peter Berg, but VP is still a pretty sweet achievement for a fellow Scot! Can you tell my reunion is coming up? Five years, bitchez! I think I'm finally accepting that I am this old.
**I don't know why this is a big deal. UFO literally means an unidentified object in the sky. Surely we have all seen these and not necessarily been convinced they are alien spacecrafts, no matter what the quacks on Ancient Aliens try to tell you.
***"I mean, Jimmy Carter would have an electric car by now." -Tommy Corn, I Heart Huckabees. LOVE!

The Sexy Gay Jesus Endorses the Hunky Jesus Contest (obviously)

2011-05-14T20:43:00.000-04:00

Via PZ Myers, I found out about the annual Hunky Jesus contest put on by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence in San Francisco (of course). The Sexy Gay Jesus says he's going to sneak in next year, but I don't know if he can compete with this year's winner, Jesus Fucking Christ:

Love it!

The Sexy Gay Jesus Will Now Answer a Question: Ladyparts are gay, so what?

2011-05-14T15:15:00.001-04:00

This is a new blog feature hosted by my Imaginary Gay Best Friend/Deity of Choice, the Sexy Gay Jesus. The Sexy Gay Jesus has done a lot of livin' and dyin' and livin' immortally after that, so he's pretty knowledgeable. Email me if you'd like his fabulous/omnipotent advice. He will now answer his first question:

Dear Sexy Gay Jesus,

First time writer, long-time worshiper. Quick question: Is it true that I'm disgusting and worthless just because I have a vagina?

Signed,
Tabitha

This is not a party trick suggestion, but merely an illustration of how conveniently alike two of my favorite things are: booze and ladies. Both fun and pleasingly shaped!

Dearest Tabitha (presumably not this Tabitha, because aside from being a witch with a living doll servant/best friend/surrogate child, I think she's pretty comfortable with her body),

I am honored to receive your question. And not honored like in the way bros say they are honoring me when they pray before baseball games and shit, like I care what happens or something. This is a very important question. I will give you a quick answer and then a long answer.

Quick answer: of course not. If you are disgusting and worthless, it has to do with the content of your character and not the color or shape of your genitalia.

Longer answer: I get a little bit peeved when people are like, "Jesus wants you to be a submissive wife because BIBLE now let me spank you for burning my dinner." First of all, most of that stuff written about marriage was written by that guy Paul who I really only met that one time when he was still calling himself Saul. We went on a crazy bender, and then when he got back from Damascus he changed his name and started telling everybody that now he speaks for me and blahblahblah 1985039 epistles full of Saul/Paul's opinions. So clearly, like any other misogynist religious school of thought, it is all made up by some dude with a problem with ladies.

I love the ladies! While I generally do not get down and dirty with the ladies (unless you count that one time I turned WAY TOO MUCH water into wine and Mary Mag the Fag Hag and I totally hooked up and then it was awkward for a couple of days but then just hilarious), that does not mean there is something wrong with vaginas. Or cervices or clitorises. Or fallopian tubes or ova or labias majoris or minoris. Or any other female-type sex organs. I mean, I created that shit! How could it be bad? It has the capacity to grow and support the life of another human person!* Also, why should it matter what's happening inside your pants? As long as they are not animal print (exceptions made for drag queens)!

No, ladies are awesome and often make good friends and don't generally participate in chest-thumping type contests promoting by hegemonic ideals of masculinity. Some dudes might be like, "I like baseball and bacon... also you're gay, of course you like girls. Only gays like girls. Liking girls is GAY." Fine. Liking girls is gay. Anybody who likes girls is gay. Including girls. And dads. And husbands and women's rights activists and motherfucking JESUS CHRIST, for my sake. Gay. Gay. Gay. Oh hey, look at how I managed to make dear Tabitha's question all about myself and how awesome being gay is.

So Tabitha, you are not disgusting and/or worthless because of your vagina. I cannot speak to your personality, but that bears no relation to whether or not you have ever menstruated. I hope this helps.

Love and tequila shots,
The Sexy Gay Jesus

*The Sexy Gay Jesus is pro-choice, of course.

Terrible Fashion Recently Spotted on Reality TV

2011-05-08T17:43:00.001-04:00

Friends, I have been quite remiss in my blogging recently what with "school" and "passing my classes so I can get my PhD eventually" and also being depressed about the "crushing blow of poverty" and all. But anyway, I'm done now and currently unemployed. I've signed back on with a clerical temp agency that got me work last summer, I have sent out many resumes, and may or may not be teaching online this summer, depending on whether like five more people sign up and keep my class from getting cancelled. This is all to say that perhaps I will blog more. Or perhaps not. Whatever.

Anyway, anybody who has talked to me in the past year knows I'm obsessed with paranormal investigation TV shows. My relationship with the real-life idea of an afterlife is conflicted (to say the least!) what with growing up Mormon and then becoming an apathetic agnostic/sometimes atheist*/general pessimist about there being anything comforting in the universe. By the by, my friend Will is correct that Outer Darkness would be an awesome topic for a metal concept album. Anyway though, I am open to the idea of residual energies and dimensions we don't understand and also the power of night vision cameras to make everything green and creepy. But I also love the drama of the investigation. Each show uses similar "scientific" tools, but have differing approaches to spirits and/or cryptids.** Since I spend so much time watching this shit, I figure I might as well write about it. This semester, I wrote three separate papers on paranormal investigation TV (one conference paper and two seminar papers):
"The Role of Modern Psychology in Assessing a Paranormal State"
"Scenarios of Discovery on Syfy's Destination Truth" (I am most proud of this one)
"Zak Bagans***: King of the Paranormal Frontier"

This is all by way of extensive introduction to my latest collection of unfortunate television fashion, because numerous examples come from these shows. I watch new episodes, but also have been utilizing Ye Olde Netflix Instant to rewatch numerous past seasons for TOTALLY PROFESSIONAL RESEARCH PURPOSES, I SWEAR. Although during my research I was pleased to see numerous other (presumably young) scholars also working on paranormal TV, like this person Drew at U of O writing all about gender and families and ghost hunting and other stuff that I am all into. Also, I came upon the thesis of this lady Melinda (who happens to be a BG alum) that is all about ghost hunting shows and I totally referenced that shit in my Zak Bagans paper so now you have been cited at least once, Melinda S. Jacobs, M.A.!

So people making bad fashion choices even though they knew they were going to be on TV:

Oh, volunteer caretaker lady of that old plantation place in the recent "Southern Discomfort" episode of Paranormal State, why why WHY with the animal print? There are no cheetahs or leopards or whatever animal that is supposed to be in the southeastern United States. You are not fooling anyone, lady.****

Though this is from NatGeo serious nerd show Egypt's Lost Rival and you are German and an academic, Herr Umlaut, there is no excuse EVER for Steven Pinker hair. Do you want people to think you are a smug douchebag? I didn't think so, because you find out about cool forgotten ancient middle eastern kingdoms where people used to go down into their loved ones' tombs and eat ceremonial meals and then got wiped out by Hittites or some shit.

Oh, substitute psychic lady Kim Russo***** on the "Haunted Attic" episode of Psychic Kids. Why are you orange? Why is your hair so tall? Can't a presence from the beyond tell you that enough is enough when it comes to volumizers? Chip Coffey would never show up with hair that big. Where's Chip?!

Way to fulfill stereotypes, Troy Tackett, paranormal investigator and founder of the West Coast Paranormal Research Society. With hair like that and the unfortunate soul patch,****** I have trouble seriously taking your consultation with the Destination Truth team in the "Aswang and Haunted Forest" episode. Troy Tackett, when you are not analyzing EVPs or doing paranormal podcasts, I suspect you have a shitty metal/goth band and/or play a lot of role-playing games in people's sketchy basements (no offense to my friends who play role-playing games, but this guy LOOKS like he plays role-playing games).

Now, having written a whole paper about (neo)colonialist discourses of anthropology, tourism, and scientific discovery on DT, I feel slightly guilty picking on a local informant. But SERIOUSLY. This guy, "Uncle," has not only chosen the creepiest relative (see 4:00-4:30ish) nickname ever, but is wearing the craziest outfit I may have ever seen. Billed as a local paranormal investigator/expert in the "Haunted Mosque" episode, Uncle combines animal print (never a good choice) with camouflage (also an unfortunate pattern). What were you thinking, Uncle?! That we would think you were a jungle cat or just part of the scenery? Because we don't, we can see that you are a ponytailed guy walking around with Josh Gates. Nice try.

*Besides the Sexy Gay Jesus, obvs. His divine fabulousness is too real to ever deny!
**Cryptids are unconfirmed (by science) species sought through the field of cryptozoology.
*** The hyper, muscly faux hawk guy from Ghost Adventures AKA "GhostBro" (Chesnut and Webb 2010).
****It is possible I have been reading Get Out of There Cat too much.
*****Beware of cheesy instrumental music and glamour shot-type photos on her website!
******All soul patches are unfortunate. Sorry, unnamed older brother who often has a soul patch.

The Sexy Gay Jesus will now take your questions

2011-05-07T02:03:00.000-04:00

Oh hey guys,

Remember my imaginary gay best friend/deity of choice The Sexy Gay Jesus? Like from that one time he used my blog to talk about how Lent is lame, or that other time he talked about how guys with douchey facial hair shouldn't dress up like him? Anyway, The Sexy Gay Jesus is awesome and lovable and totes knowledgeable about the universe. So if you need some life advice (fake or real, The SGJ don't give a shit), please submit questions. Send them to me at lauren DOT chesnut AT gmail DOT com (see how I made it so spambots couldn't steal my address?), and Jesus comma The Sexy Gay will give you important insights into the world. I highly recommend it.

I live-blog "Orgazmo"

2011-04-05T02:16:00.001-04:00

Finally getting around to watching this. I'm not going to do homework in the next hour and a half anyway, so I'll live-blog this shit.

Movie: begun.

I love this "Now you're a man" song over the credits. Note to self: look this shit up for future mix CDs.*

Mormon missionaries whistling! One has a long-sleeve white shirt, and one short-sleeved--is that allowed? Don't companions have to coordinate? Also, missionaries would introduce themselves as "Elder Lastname," not their first and last names. BTWs, I just realized my drink is basically empty (#2 for the night), so I'd better refill before any plot development happens.

UPDATE: two cocktails have convinced me that I should write an article about the "Mormon diaspora." The internet tells me this is already a phrase used to speak of church members outside of Utah/the Mountain West in general. Are ex-Mormons part of this diaspora, or do we count as a separate population? SRSLY THOUGH: We've all left our home (religion) for various reasons, but we can never stop being from Mormonism, just like people who have emigrated to Mozambique from Canada can never stop being part of a Canadian diaspora. Am I right, people?

Ahem. Back to movie.

These missionaries are looking a little piqued. I'm pretty sure single men can't serve missions after age, like, 27 or something.

Some sort of porn plot is happening. Superhero uniforms should not be made of crushed velvet. Actually, nothing should be made of crushed velvets.

Nobody likes to talk to missionaries out tracting! Hardly anyone, I can say from the time I was giving the sister missionaries a ride on Saturday morning in high school, and I found out we were going to do cold walk-ups to doors. They asked me if I wanted to knock on one and do the pitch. I did not!

Elder Young just claimed that getting married at the Salt Lake Temple** is expensive. FACT: temple weddings are free! How else can so many 19-21 year-olds afford that shit?

OMG you guys, the missionaries knocked on the door of the house where they're shooting porn! Hey, does anybody remember on Weeds when Andy breaks into the porn business as Toe Fucker because that dog ate part of his foot that one time at the old grow house? Good times. I am only 8 minutes into this movie; I've got to stop pausing it and going off on tangents. And yet, I've barely started drink #3, many magical typing things could happen.

Agent White ran away from the porn shoot security guard and let Elder Young get his ass kicked for a little while. Companions have to STAY TOGETHER. Oh wait--Young knows martial arts! This fight scene is almost as awesome as one from classic Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, when several putties would attack one person at once, but take turns to do so. Hey, remember when Amy Jo Johnson played the Pink Ranger with a skirt before she was a date rape victim or whatever on "Felicity"? Oh, maybe I was the only one how watched this show TOTALLY WITH YOUNGER KIDS while being babysat by our neighbor before school or with my piano teacher's little boys during my sister's lesson.

Movie: I love the porn producer/director's greased-back patchy longish hair, and an icky patterned shirt.

Agent Young majored in theater at BYU: closet gay? He apparently only has one more week left on his mission. How will smarm-face talk him into doing porn to replace his sissy former star.

Stunt cock and $20,000? I'd seriously consider that shit. Can a dude be both prissy and wholesome? Because that's how the director described Young.

Okay, he just called his fiancee. NOT ALLOWED. Missionaries can call home, like, twice a year: Christmas and Mother's Day. "Jesus and I love you," and want you to do porn for the money which you don't actually need to get married in the temple.

Mormons do call god "Heavenly Father" in prayer, but they don't pray to dirty Catholic Jesus idols like the one here.

"All men love to shave their balls." And apparently they do it in the hallway.

The Orgazmo outfit might not actually be crushed velvet, but it's something icky. I also (sarcastically) love that I recognize Ron Jeremy. He's icky.

Uhoh, Elder Young (Joe), has gotten roped into everything-but-penetration!

Brief internet search interlude: Trey Parker himself is the dude who plays Joe Young. A different guy named Trey Parker was in Newsies. Who knew? IMDB, that's who.Who is this mullety porn crew guy who looks familiar, then?

Porn happens, Young does some requisite making-out, etc. Now fucking is happening. Missionary experience happening backstage!

This DVDA scene is way less horrifying than in real life because it doesn't actual show how the penetration happens. Also, where the hell is Elder White? Missionaries don't hang out alone. It's not alone. A fight goes down in the sushi bar. Elder Young struts his manly kicking abilities.

I kind of actually heart this exchange:
Blonde Porn Slut: The police can't help, Joe. Where are you from, anyway? Iowa or something?
Young: No, Utah.
BPS: Oh, I'm sorry.
Me: (not actually in movie) HAHA.

Joe comes over to his sidekick costar's science lab house thing. Who cares about the plot?

Hamster style kung fu? Is that like that Zhu Zhu Pet thing?

The Orgazmorator is apparently something shortface guy has actually built. My drink is empty and I'm 32 minutes in. Probably a refill should happen soon. The gun actually gives people orgasms? Weird. Aren't their pants icky inside? Sperm's got to go somewhere. "Wow, Heavenly Father has really given you a gift for science." If I didn't suspect god exists and might strike me down if I use h(H)is proper name, I might start throwing around the HF for comedic effect. I'm sticking with The Sexy Gay Jesus for now. Also, DRINK REFILL TIME.

Hey, is shooting random people like ladies and Hasidic Jews with an orgasm gun sexual assault? It's not exactly consensual. Haha, they made that cop gay!

Apparently big fat women have deep voices and insist on being on top. Haha, fatties! Confession: Isaac and I watch Heavy. I do not have any friends that think A&E shows should all start with Hey! Like "Hey fatty!" or "Hey junkie!" or "Hey demon-possessed person!" Those people would be insensitive and I would not be their friends all the time.

Movie: Oh, okay, I think it's Matt Stone as the set photographer guy. Is he usually blond?

Little kids should not play with Orgazmo action figures. Where is Young's money? Wasn't he supposed to go home really soon?

Why does the naked mariachi band have socks and boots on?

Young just wants his money, but he's been roped into all of this porn business stuff (award shows, parties, etc.).

The sushi place guy has a ridiculous accent and loves his waving kitty statue. Shit, they are beating him with a baseball bat and I am thinking of Vincent Chin--a case I teach about in my job as a grown-up sober person!

Joe Young gets roped into a sequel for more money. BTWs, the original one earned more money than E.T.!

Uh-oh, the stunt cock is BLACK! Matt Stone's character never wants to "sound like a queer or anything." There have got to be papers on this movie.

The Orgazmo gun is going to be real now to confront the dudes who are trying to take over the sushi shop? Also, dance clubs apparently look like high school gyms in movies. Also also, dildoes have door unlocking abilities.

When did Joe's outfit turn purple and shiny and sleeveless? I guess I was looking at job listings for summer. Boo, underemployment is apparently my entire future.

Young's fiancee Lisa came out to visit. That doesn't happen when he's on his mission still. Is he? The Lord may or may not approve of her sleeping on her couch? Also, Mormon missionaries are allowed more than just skinny black ties.

Douchey actor A-Cup has actually presented the revolutionary idea that porn actresses can be assaulted. "We're not rolling!"

Lisa's looking for movies at the video store. A dude says he's sorry she's from Utah, but she has found out about "Orgazmo!" Joe's not actually in "Death of a Salesman" and its sequel. Wah-WAH!

The "Japanese" porn stars don't look Japanese to me. Just sayin'.

I do like this patriotic scene with a portrait of Washington, an eagle statue, and lots of stars and stripes.

Is this stunt cock fucking between the Japanese "Assfuck Twins"' legs? That's my only explanation. The anti-sushi guys work for the porn guy, I guess.

Lisa has watched "Orgazmo." She said, "Fie on you, Satan!" A Mormon would never say that. She doesn't want his slut porn money, though. She goes back to Utah.

Some things are happening in this terrible plot that I don't care about.

"Goddammit, Ben! I'm not a hero. I'm a latter-day saint!" Been there, bro. Been there.

WHAT? The porn producers have kidnapped Lisa! It's time to call la policia. SRSLY. People in movies are stupid. Young wants his cupcake back! He put on his purple jumpsuit and will save her from being raped on film. Huzzah?

Exchange between the cupcake, Ron Jeremy, and some ass-slapping dude:
RJ: "Men are equally degraded in porngaphic films."
Lisa/cupcake: "But men are always in a position of power."
ASD: "But men are the ones who want the product so bad--they're the victims!"

The director has a beautiful track suit on right now. Reminds me of this.

Gogo old Buick hero car!

The raping is going to happen on film and be released if Young doesn't finish the film.

Blahblahblah fight scene with Ron Jeremy.

Apparently hamster-style kung fu is effective and making someone have an orgasm completely debilitates them.

"One more for Jesus!" The orgasm gun should create so much more mess with dudes. SRSLY, maybe it would have made this film into an NC-17 film if they accurately showed where all the semen went in this film.

Blahblah resolution. I like the super-fake model house on fire. Is Lisa still supposed to be Mormon? She wouldn't be wearing a tank top. SLUT!

"Superheroes that pray together stay together." That's true. I've found. In my super-heroism career.

*Yes, I still make mix CDs occasionally. I just made a spring mix. It contains Ke$ha AND Kanye West. Also, Michael McDonald.
**Fact: my parents got married here in the late '70s, and their wedding was probably even cheaper than mine and Isaac's, so GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, Trey Parker!

Bad Fashion I Saw on TV This Week

2011-04-03T21:17:00.000-04:00

Not a lot of outfits I saw on TV struck me as particularly hideous this week, probably due to a higher number of films viewed and a lower number of reality television programs consumed. However, I did see a few "Oh my god you knew you were going on TV and you wore that on purpose anyway?" outfits:

Exhibit A:

Watching an episode of Hoarders from early season two on DVD, I spotted THIS:

This woman is not a hoarder*--she is a but a relative of a hoarder, and therefore should know better than to appear in public/on national television in something as unfortunate as this turtleneck/blouse combination. Not only are turtlenecks generally icky, but this one is BROWN. But the most offensive element of this ensemble (tragically, this is all we get to see of it, but I suspect she is wearing some sort of LEGGINGS!) is the top layer. I am pretty much opposed to animal prints in all situations, but this is a particularly egregious example. It looks like a leopard print that has been "toned down" to a less garish color palette than the animal itself, but is now even uglier! The print itself is messy, and the color scheme is definitely what my mother would call "poopy." You may not be as crazy as your hoarding cousin, Leopard Lady, but you did wear this on a national television show. This does not bode well for your state of mind.

More bitchy fashion observations from things on my TV screen include the following:

Exhibit B:

Not only is she playfully plugging her ears while talking about her murdered boss' various business dealings, but she wore THAT sweater to testify in court, where presumably she knew she would be filmed!

The screenshot quality here is not very good, but I wanted you to be able to get a sense of the fringe in its full glory: encircling her upper torso. Original video starting about 1:28 or so found here.

That bright-blue sweater is a true fashion monstrosity. I'm not going to lie when I say that I'm pretty sure that as a juror I would stop listening to anything this witness said because I just don't think fringe has a place in a court of law. Also, she testified for the defense and Dateline convinced me that the dude on trial totally killed his dad and brother and also shot his mom in the face, though only severely disfiguring her.

*Mocking hoarders' clothes would be too easy. Their lives are already sad enough without me complaining that they didn't pull a more flattering pair of pants out of one of their rat-infested hoard piles.

I one-up of Heloise's hinters

2011-04-01T20:17:00.000-04:00

Using excess chopsticks for stirring paint is fine, but clearly a superior re-purposing is for stirring COCKTAILS!

Odd: of the dozens (hundreds?) of drunk pictures of myself I have, I couldn't find one where I was stirring with a chopstick. I suppose most photo documentation happens during the drinking and aftermath process, not the actual making the drink part.

Maria Bamford Does Male Characters

2011-03-31T02:52:00.001-04:00

A video I made for another class blog. Gogo Gadget Halberstam!

They don't actually wash the lions, you guys.**

2011-03-31T02:01:00.005-04:00

There is an atrociously large gallery of more sparkly hugging animals and lots of sexy Native appropriation where this came from. You're welcome.

Inspired by a conversation in my history class last night where a discussion arose regarding the origins of the phrase “seeing the elephant” in both California gold rush and Civil War battle contexts (meaning finding out the gold rush was a sham and experiencing battle for the first time, respectively), I put my nerdgear on and went to work. I'm cross-posting this from my class' blog (it's not public) because I was so proud of the results! Anyway, so I came home and consulted my giant red 15-pound volume of Americanisms* to see if I could track down a satisfactory etymological tale. This tome identified the colloquial expression “To see the elephant, to get a sight of the elephant, to see the sights, to gain experience of life” and had a quotation from as early as 1835 (Mathews 550). While this does not clear up this specific saying’s exact origins, the volume also pointed me toward the esteemed Oxford English Dictionary to the phrase “to see the lions,” which means basically the same thing. Under definition #4 of “lion,” the OED says “a. pl. Things of note, celebrity, or curiosity (in a town, etc.); sights worth seeing: esp. in phr. to see, or show, the lions . †In early use, to have seen the lions often meant to have had experience of life… This use of the word is derived from the practice of taking visitors to see the lions which used to be kept in the Tower of London” (emphasis added because of awesomeness). Of course, my nerd curiosity was not sated so I looked into this phenomenon further!

If someone hands you this invitation on Friday, do not try to actually go!

The OED’s earliest reference for going “to see the lions” is from 1629, but a recent(-ish) finding of lion skulls shows that lions were part of the royal menagerie kept at the Tower as early as the thirteenth century! (That link is to a fascinating article from NatGeo News including osteoarchaeology for all my fellow Bones fans out there–highly recommended.) Also, apparently inviting people to the “washing of the lions” at the Tower was a classic old-timey English April Fool’s joke long after the animals had been moved to more modern zoological parks!

*A Dictionary of Americanisms: On Historical Principles, 4th ed. Mitford M. Mathews, ed. Chicago: Chicago UP, 1966.
**And if they did, they'd do it more than once a year. SRSLY.

I'm supposed to be reading for class tonight, so you know, Pluggers

2011-03-28T13:08:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I look back through the past few weeks of Pluggers and feel uninspired, but not today, friends. Today I found a number of gems about which to be parsimoniously snarky:

Your basic class warfare Plugger premise.

Pluggers' well-known prescription drug "hobbies" start at an early age.

Pluggers are the people on the lowest level of every pyramid scheme.

I will not lie: I found this panel amusing (yes!) and slightly charming. I am probably having a stroke right now or something. Congratulations, Anne Girio Beck of Williamsport, Pennsylvania: you've exposed my signature sardonic personality to be nothing but a sham and/or diagnosed a traumatic brain injury!

Depression Update

2011-03-23T02:27:00.000-04:00

Hey gang,

This post isn't just about the economy (ha! See what I did there?), it's about my mental state. Remember when I started this blog like three years ago and I used to talk all the time about my depression? Yeah, I've been mostly less depressed since then. I get anxious some, but I have recently lowered my Prozac dosage. This is all to say that it's still, like, a thing or whatever. I think this summer will be a drug-free experiment. Only anti-depressant-free, people! Don't worry, I'll still make plenty of bad choices. Anyway, instead of posting a black-and-white picture of myself wearing sweats and holding my head in my hands (like every anti-depressant commercial ever), I'm using my words to tell you about my emotional state: largely stable, unnecessarily anxious at times, not usually really sad.

But enough about me! I want to hear from you guys. Let's take a poll: What's depressing you most lately?