Energy Drink Review: V8 +Energy NOW WITH CARBONATED KINDS

So I often drink these V8 Fusion Energy guys in the mornings because mornings. A while back, I saw a few of these newly packaged 12 ouncers that are lightly carbonated, so I'm guessing they're some kind of new product. I decided to give them a shot. BTWs, did you know that V8 is owned by Campbells? Makes sense, both try to get you to drink/eat tomato juice or soup, which are objectively icky.* I have now tried all three flavors and taken to buying four-packs of some of them, so obvi I'm liking them, but here's an overview:

FLAVOR: The blackberry/cranberry is actually pretty tasty. Not dissimilar to a flavor they've already got in the juice ones, but it's lightly carbonated, so it's, like, better I guess. It's got a TOUCH of the green tea-ness that gives it its caffeine, but not so much that it bothers me. The orange/pineapple, unsurprisingly, I didn't like much because of how it has pineapple juice in it. Guys, I'm terrible at tiki bars because pineapple juice ruins things for me ALMOST BUT NOT AS MUCH as banana flavoring destroys otherwise tasty food and drinks. Okay, but the best one by far is the white grape/raspberry flavor. It is legit delicious and I've even used it as a mixer in a pinch and liked it quite a bit.

EFFECTIVENESS: These drinks have 80 mg of caffeine. According to a very useful webernets site, a 12-oz. Diet Coke has 46 mg and my drug of choice, a standard 16-oz. Monster Khaos, has 154 mg. So these V8 guys are more effective than a can of pop and are way less chemical-tasting. They're 34% juice according to the can, if you're concerned about that sort of thing. ("Probably mostly apple juice," says Isaac, like I care what's in my beverages.) They make me feel alert without pushing me into shakiness or borderline anxiety territory, which is good for a mid-morning cube-sitting situation. I usually end up drinking another energy drink after lunch sometime, but these are a good option for the morning when I am (somehow) less exhausted-feeling and don't want to crash too early or overdose on two full-caffeine 16 ouncers in one work day.

OVERALL: Guys, these are pretty good. I drink these. Recommended.

*Guys, I fucking love tomatoes, but I don't want to drink them. I don't even like soups that are tomato-BASED very much, even if there's a bunch of other stuff in them. I can't explain it.

Energy Drink Review: Bing Raz

Basically exactly what my improv set
was like after this drink.

Some time ago, I tried Petey's Bing, a cherry-themed energy drink sold in the produce section of the grocery store for some reason. It was perfectly okay! Recently while trying to make myself buy some salad bag kits because heavens knows I won't chop my own vegetables, I saw that they'd expanded the beverage line some and picked up this Raz flavor. I like actual raspberries more than cherries (switch preference for artificial versions), so we'll see what the flav is like on this. It comes in a 12-ounce can, but since I got up at 2:00 p.m. and all I've done is go on what can barely be described as "run," that amount of caffeine may be sufficient (100 mg). No further intel appears to be available about "Petey" than my previous review, but I'm guessing he's part of the "husband-and-wife team" that originally developed Bing.

FLAVOR: Mmm! It tastes like actual raspberries were involved in the manufacture of this beverage, but it's not too tart. A good balance with the sweetness. The carbonation is sufficient; sometimes with the "natural" ones, the carbonation is "light" and inadequate for my bubble needs.

EFFECTIVENESS: As I have been all week, I'm rocking known baby Ariana Grande's* album My Everything on repeat with occasional plays of "Four Five Seconds" and Toto's "Rosanna"** and that is all going well. I'm trying to convince myself that memorizing this Sarah Vowell excerpt I'm using for an audition monologue tomorrow is fun. The caffeine is marginally helpful. I'm hoping it will also serve as reserve energy from my improv show tonight, which is going to be my last one for awhile. Because I'm dying. JK, I just don't have anything scheduled right now.

OVERALL: Pretty good. I'm feeling lively. Worth a try, gang.


*She charmed the shit out of me guest-judging on RuPaul's Drag Race and I'd been meaning to download some of her songs anyway.
**We're finally watching American Horror Story: Coven and there's a scene with fratbros in a tattoo parlor where pre-dead Kyle is digging this song pretty hard.

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar Organic

Whatever.

Supposedly Rockstar is now making an "organic" energy drink. I mean, not supposedly, I've got one right here, I am supposing about the "organic" part. However, I have never, ever cared about my consumption of chemicals, so whatevs. I mean, at least I don't live in this Kazakh village where people keep hallucinating and like falling asleep for five days for no discernible reason. (Note to self: maybe you have a sleeping disease?) It's just a new flavor to me. "Island fruit flavor" with organic cane sugar and "organic caffeine from organic green coffee beans." Okay, player. Let's give this shit a go. I've got improv practice and then later a show and I'm still mourning my Troika loss from the other night, so this shit better work.

FLAVOR: I have no idea how to describe what this tastes like. I mean, not much, I guess. It smells kind of "island fruit"-y. Isaac tasted it and says, "It tastes like carbonation... like a vaguely fruity Sprite." There's a bit of an plant-y edge, maybe that's the green coffee bean thing. We'll see how this goes. The flavor never gets better, but it's so un-flavor-y, that you can drink it pretty fast, at least.

EFFECTIVENESS: Guys, it worked real good. Did a bunch of silly kitchen improv and am still feeling pretty good. It works just as well as a regular Rockstar, I guess.

OVERALL: Recommended if you like things that don't quite taste like anything.

Energy Drink Review: V8 Fusion Energy Diet Cranberry and Raspberry

When I was temping at a terrible semi-industrial office in Toledo for a middle-aged dude who was way too interested in my personal life and also carried a weapon at all times a few years ago, I first tried the V8 Fusion pomegranate/blueberry flavor. I said it was "better than nothing." Since this time, numerous other flavors have been released and since my stomach has finally started rebelling from all the abuse I've inflicted upon in the past decade or so, I've basically given up Diet Coke and am looking for alternatives for when I don't (yet) want to bust out a full energy drink. I knew I'd be starting working again, so I bought a six-pack of the cranberry/raspberry flavor, which is also apparently "diet" somehow. Whatever.

FLAVOR: It tastes like cranberries and raspberries! I can't really taste the green tea the caffeine's been extracted from, which is good because of how I am a picky asshole. It's actually pretty good. Though the can says it only contains 8% juice, 100% of it TASTES like juice and is non-carbonated and truly not bad for something ostensibly healthy.

EFFECTIVENESS: It is just an 8-ounce can, so it may not do much, but we'll see! I had to get up and come into my new temp job (which is a place where I used to have a real job before I destroyed my life and finances with grad school) an hour early so another new employee and I could be "met and gret," which is how I described it to Isaac at the unholy hour of 8:30 a.m. But there were free donut holes and tiny scones, so that's something at least. I think the small amount of caffeine in this can is combining well with the anxiety I'm currently experiencing about fucking this whole thing up and therefore proving to my old bosses they were right not to rehire me to keep me pretty alert.

OVERALL: Recommended. Now that I've been unemployed for awhile and therefore not mainlining caffeine and have also developed some kind of physical aversion to too many carbonated chemicals, this kind of thing is an adequate substitute. Also, good for mornings.

"Energy" Drink Review: Monster Unleaded

That "M" is meaningless in this case. Source.

This is a caffeine-free energy drink. It was really only a matter of time before Monster itself decided to tap this market. The non-caffeine chemicals this Monster variety contains are L-carnitine, taurine, and L-arginine. ALL FAN FAVORITES! I am be-skepticaled that this will do anything for me, but when I saw "Unleaded" in the store, obvs I had to try it. I am no longer employed, but maybe this "energy" drink will motivate me to make the curried squash deliciousness I bought all the ingredients for and is one of like 2 things I ever, ever cook.

FLAVOR: It does taste like an energy drink. I have on occasion craved the flavor without wanting to stay up all night/risk immediate heart failure because I've already had an energy drink and like 3 Diet Cokes today because I had to be up before noon or something. So, this may actually be a good substitute.

EFFECTIVENESS: I'm about a third of the way through the can, and I think I do feel a little perk-up. Maybe it's the ox bile, maybe it's just a placebo thing where I taste those Monster-y chemicals and my body thinks it's time to wake up, but we'll see if it keeps going. Little while later, definitely doing something for me still.

As soon as I finished drinking it, I was tired again. Also, cooking is hard. I nearly took an after-dinner nap but then I knew Sleepy Hollow was on in like an hour and that's not really enough time so I opened a real energy drink. So perhaps if you aren't a caffeine fiend like I am, the "unleaded" will perk you up for an extended period of time. For me, any benefits lasted only as long as the drink itself.

Overall: not recommended if you're, you know, actually in need of caffeine.

Energy Drink Review: Chocolate Sport Shake

Get ready to SHAKE up your world!

Guys, I think we all know I'm no big fan of "shake" beverages that purport to give you energy. Sport Shake claims to be "THE ORIGINAL ENERGY MILK SHAKE." (Back up, posers.) It is obviously for exercise people and/or people on a diet who just drink chocolate crap instead of eating food. I suspect that it will be gross, but crappy chocolate shake in a can is probably not the worst flavor I can think of. And apparently this company shows up at random Texas Christian University baseball games and such.

FLAVOR: You know, not too bad, all things considered. It tastes like there may actually be milk in here somewhere. It is an okay chocolate milky drink thing!

EFFECTIVENESS: I am feeling perkier, but it may be because I had to call twelve different people to track down somebody who's missing a meeting right now. DOING STUFF = MORE ENERGY. But I'm sure the "balance of natural protein and carbs" helped. It took about three gulps to drink and I do not expect it to last long.

OVERALL: I don't feel like running or doing a weird tree pose or whatever the person in the "O" of "Sport" is doing on the can, but it was not gross and vaguely refreshing. This seems like some shit I would've liked to drink for breakfast in junior high instead of the chalky Carnation Instant Breakfast my mom bought me when she found out I was just drinking chocolate milk on the way to the bus stop instead of eating. #TrueStory #7thGrade #Memories #ImSorryICan'tStopThis

Energy Drink Review: Muscle Monster Energy Shake

Just as stupid an idea as it looks.

We saw these "Muscle Monster" shakes in the store and were like, "WHUT." So of course I had to get one and I'm using it for my strenuous athletic training AKA sitting at a desk and answering the phone for five hours. Chocolate was the least offensive-looking flavor. That's what we got, bitchez. I'm hoping the "coach in a can" it claims to be can help me formulate a plan to write my dissertation proposal or something.

FLAVOR: Oh yeah, that is like a shake. Very thick. Not a very tasty chocolate, but I guess what should I expect from some sort of protein shake nonsense? I'm trying to drink it kind of fast because I suspect it will be less appetizing warm, but it is very thick and hard to drink quickly. Really on the edge of icky by the end.

EFFECTIVENESS: This shit better give me some mental energy because I drank Kraken on a weeknight and then fell asleep on the couch until 5:00 a.m. and anyway my head feels a little fuzzy. About halfway through and I have no idea if I feel anything. You know, besides lean body mass building or whatever. All done, and I'm not sure it really did much for me.

OVERALL: Not recommended, though I'm not ruling out the possibility that it holds benefits for people who are actually exercising.

Energy Drink Review: HiBall Energy Wild Berry

The drink is as exciting as the can.

I was recently lucky enough to make a stop at the Whole Foods Mothership (AKA the giant Ann Arbor Whole Foods) and I picked up one of these "organic" energy drinks that is actually 16 oz. and carbonated: HiBall. It promises that even the caffeine is organic! We'll see how this goes.

FLAVOR: So "wild berry," eh? It kind of tastes like actual berries. Like not just a sugary concoction based upon a berry-like substance. Hmm. Apparently HiBall used to just make energy waters, but they added a tiny bit of juice and sugar to make these energy drinks. I can kind of tell. The flavor is thinner than most energy drinks. Though several sips in, it's not bad, just very different than I expected. It kind of just tastes like a lightly carbonated grape or apple juice or something. Not gross, not great.

EFFECTIVENESS: Maybe about 6 ounces in, and my legs are shaking a bit more than usual, so that is a positive development. Without a strong flavor, I have trouble accepting that it's working, but we'll see. I'm about done with the drink now, and it's perked me up some, but I'm not really enjoying it.

OVERALL: Perfectly adequate, especially if you're not into chemical flavors, but not worth charting on my energy graph. I'm going to have to consult with a Diet Coke to make the afternoon MSPaint shenanigans I had planned happen.

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar does energy water now, apparently

You're feeling refreshed already, aren't you?

My favorite enabler picked me up a new Rockstar Energy Water--blueberry pomegranate acai (with other natural flavors). I'm sure it will taste just like all three and other natural flavors. Not sure why Rockstar's doing waters now, but why not, I guess? There isn't even any sweet ad copy on the bottle (which looks basically like a Vitamin Water*) to explain. Let's see if this shit is as good as a regular Rockstar.

FLAVOR: It tastes like some berry/fruit water stuff, not like an energy drink at all. Pretty tasty, I'd say. Possibly a good option for people who don't drink soda but want the benefits of massively caffeinated fruity beverages. It is also sugar-free, FYI, but we all know I like fake sweeteners the most. Much less abrasive than most energy drinks.

EFFECTIVENESS: The bottle is 20 oz. and claims to contain 2.5 servings. That is ridiculous. Who drinks only 8 oz. of their fancy water and then puts it in the fridge for later? This is a legit question, I don't drink a lot of fancy waters. Is that what people do with them? I suppose I've had about one serving size so far, and I'm feeling perkier. I did get, like, over nine hours of sleep last night, but that's never stopped me from being tired before! I sipped on it for most of the afternoon, with positive results. All 2.5 servings! Definitely feeling up.

Mid-range on the Lauren Energy Scale, about the same as any other Rockstar:

Overall, RECOMMENDED. A good alternative caffeine source for people who care about their teeth.


*GUYS, we are watching season one of Homeland and not only is Damian Lewis super-hot, but his character was a POW for eight years and he didn't know what Vitamin Water was when his wife put it on the grocery list. It was adorable. In an al-Qaeda kind of way, obvs.

Energy Drink Review: FRS Healthy Energy Wild Berry

I found some of these FRS drinks at Rainbow the other day. I am a little concerned that "healthy" is in the name and that it is not carbonated and I am told to "shake well." This could just taste like some sort of berry-tinged grass smoothie. I was intrigued that the can says it is fueled by something called Quercetin®, which claims to be a "powerful all natural antioxidant" that just happens to be a registered trademark. Aw fuck, I just looked at the side of the can, and it's made with green tea nonsense. Ew. Also, one of the (multiple?!) paragraphs* on the side of the can says FRS was originally formulated to help give chemotherapy patients more energy. So that's something, I guess.

I'm going to go ahead and crack open the can while I find out what the hell Quercetin is and why it needs to be shaken to "activate" it. It does kind of sound like there are particles floating around in there as I shake it. Is this going to be chunky? Wow, the can said the Quercetin makes it a "natural" yellow color, and it is like, neon yellow, but really opaque, unlike most energy drink's neon yellow tint. Okay, apparently Quercetin really is naturally-occurring and not just in ox bile, but in tea and berries and other identifiable and edible plant-type things. Also, it maybe possibly helps cure cancer? I hope so! My student health insurance is not very good, and I am screwed if I get cancer.

FLAVOR: Okay, it tastes like fruit juice. The berry flavor is nice and kind of actually tastes like berries. There's not too much of a tea aftertaste, which pleases me because I think most tea tastes like tree bark/hamster food. I haven't experienced any chunkiness yet. I'm not sure if I'd want any more than the 11.5 ounces here though, either. It's kind of just like fancy juice.

EFFECTIVENESS: I do feel a little perkier about halfway through, but there's no caffeine, so I am skeptical that it will last. It is not lasting. It didn't make me sleepy or anything, but perhaps people less reliant on caffeine and aspartame to live will get more of a boost than I did. I suppose at least it's healthy or whatever.

It tastes fine, but not recommended for actual energy needs. I am yawning so much, thank the Sexy Gay Jesus I've got a Diet Coke in the fridge for after my break.


*Who am I kidding? I basically wrote my master's thesis about the written copy on the Monster Assault can, so this kind of shit can really be a goldmine.

Energy Drink Review: Brain Toniq

Fueling the fuck out of my cranium right now.

I walked home from work today. It's about a 35 minute walk when the sidewalks haven't been poorly shoveled so there is a couple inches of packed down bumpy snow and ice that might kill you, so in the 10 degree weather, it was kind of intense. So halfway home I stopped at the local hippie co-op to look around and start to feel my legs again. I looked at the fancy energy drinks and bought one called Brain Toniq. I took a shot of Maker's Mark when I got home and have been snuggled up in multiple layers of fleece for a few hours, so I'm feeling a little sleepy. Friends are coming over in a little bit to celebrate the Official Night of Champagne for Everybody (all the other nights are champagne nights for me, obvs), so I need to perk up a bit. This new-ish Ke$ha album I just downloaded is helping a bit, but I need beverage help so I can be on my game when the boozing begins.

Brain Toniq is over 90% organic. Thank goodness! It is also vegan and kosher, so there you go, honey-avoidant Jews! This drink does not contain caffeine. So I predict it will do nothing to really "get thinking again." I spent $2.59 on it and I've already had two Diet Cokes today, so I'm going to drink it right now anyway.

FLAVOR: Fruityish. Like actual fruit, not fruit "flavor." Lightly carbonated, so it's better than just straight juice. Kind of citrus-y with a melon-y kind of thing (might be the agave nectar). Not bad. Definitely doesn't taste like chemicals.

EFFECTIVENESS: The website claims this drink will give me focus and "clarity." I wish! Maybe if I chug it, I will know if I should write a dissertation/what the topic should be/how to get started/what else to do with me life. I feel this is unlikely to happen, however. About 2/3 of the way through this tiny 8.4 ounce can, but I am actually feeling a bit livelier. Honestly, I think it's working. I might have been getting a second wind by now anyone, but I'm going to choose to believe that all 90% of the organic ingredients in this drink are waking my brain up. 8.4 ounces, and not bad. It helped me overcome my cozy couch burrow to put on real pants in anticipation of my guests arriving, which is quite an accomplishment, I'd say.

Overall, RECOMMENDED. Especially if you're into not filling your body full of chemicals and/or like small beverages. On 10% here, bro.