I'm going to relax, damn it!

Our hammock is on our porch, not on a tropical beach. Unfortunately. But at least we have one!

It is pretty much summertime now. Finally! Thank the fucking Sexy Gay Jesus. Though I'm sure this comes as no surprise to those of you who also live in the northern hemisphere, because it's getting to be summer where you live too. BUT: my job is now running on summer hours, with slightly longer Mondays-Thursdays, and short-ass Fridays. What I'm saying is, that I'm about to embark on pretty much a 3.5-day weekend. Fuckin' sweet. I don't really have anything to write about today. Just enjoying the nice weather and looking forward to sleeping/drinking/hanging out on the porch, etc. this weekend. It should be a glorious good time. OMG I love summer.

Benjamin Harrison: Kinda Like Jenna Bush

He had a pretty good beard.

Benjamin Harrison served as our nation's 23rd President, nestled in a sandwich made of Grover Cleveland's delicious non-consecutive terms. He was the grandson of the ill-fated President Tippecanoe, and the son of a Congressman, which is how he is like Jenna Bush. Pretty much. Born in Ohio and a graduate of the erroneously-named "Miami University" there, Benjamin Harrison belonged to a "private gentleman's club" of some kind that may or may have not involved strippers. I decline to do any further research. He married Caroline Scott and they had a son and a daughter. They turned out to be ungrateful brats (see: Harrison's second marriage). Harrison served in the Union army, while his future rival Cleveland paid somebody off to take his place. Can't really blame old Groves, though, I've seen Civil War movies. You know they didn't have anesthesia back then? Also, they just lined up and shot at each other. Dumbest. tactic. ever. Harrison's army buddies used to call him "Little Ben" because he was only 5'6". Which is slightly taller than me, but nobody calls me "little" anything because I would punch them in the face if they did.*

Anyway, like pretty much everyone else who was elected president between the Civil War and WWI, Benjamin Harrison was a Republican. After settling in Indiana, he held some random local offices and served in the Senate for six years in the 1880s. But in the somewhat-sketchy election of 1888, Harrison defeated the incumbent President Cleveland, despite losing the popular vote. (Goddamn electoral college always fucking us over.) This period in U.S. History has been called "The Gilded Age". This is because men like Carnegie, Rockefeller, and various corrupt politicians insisted that everything they owned be covered in gold. As you can imagine, this made all their shit really shiny, expensive, and heavy.

Google image search: Cleveland sandwich.

The spoils system was in full swing at this time (James A. Garfield continues to say thanks from beyond the grave, BTW), and though Harrison mostly kept his fingers out of the political promise pie, his supporters were not so scrupulous. This was awkward for Benjamin Harrison. As a Republican, he couldn't really try and reform civil service, because no one would like him. It turned out that nobody liked him anyway. He presided over a tariff/treasury surplus situation that didn't really turn out that well for anyone, though he did sign the Sherman Anti-Trust Act into law. An economic downturn and general corruption brought about a tough beating for the Republicans in the 1890 midterm elections. Harrison somehow managed to get re-nominated, however, and went up to bat** against Cleveland again. This time, there was apparently less cheating or something, because the American people wanted Cleveland back. That's a pretty clear mandate, President Harrison. Sorry everyone hates you. Oh, and his wife died pretty much right while he was losing.

Anyway, old "Kid Gloves" Harrison (He was called this because he had some sort of skin sensitivity that made him have to wear gloves. That's what Michael Jackson said too. Innnnteresting.) returned to Indiana, got remarried to one of his wife's nieces and had another kid; pissing off his grown children, who were worried about getting their full inheritance. He did some "elder statesman" bullshit for awhile, but ended up succumbing to influenza and pneumonia (just like Gramps!), dying in 1901.*** He's had some shit named after him, but he's mostly been forgotten because he didn't really do anything very cool like start a war, get shot, or commit genocide. Anyway, this is kinda what we have to look forward to when Jenna runs in 2036.



*This is false. Most likely. Don't test me.

**This stupid sports metaphor is where I will mention that Harrison was the first U.S. President to attend a baseball game, according to the the "discouraged" trivia section of his Wikipedia article.

***"It's like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife..."

Lucky Wednesday Link Dump!

I've been saving up a number of links, and some of them are kind of related to each other, but mostly not. So this is a hodgepodge of random things I've found/been hanging on to for a while. READ THEM.

1. A while back, Twisty eviscerated a douchebag college writer who was offended that people were trying to get men to stop raping people. Junior English major pooh-poohs anti-violence campaign. (I Blame the Patriarchy)

2. My internet boyfriend Ezra Klein pointed out the obvious flaws in McMaverick's criticism of government-run health care forcing the poor to endure longer waiting periods: "We have a two tiered system in America in which the wealthiest can afford to pay for their own health care and we let the poor die." Oh, yeah. Makes a little waiting list not seem so bad, eh? John McCain and Waiting Times. (Ezra Klein at the American Prospect)

3. The Boozehound Cinephile covered the various levels of hangover in a typically delightful manner. I have to say that I agree that with increased tolerance comes the ability to completely skip level one. Hungover? That's just what I feel like EVERY morning. I had probably a level four a couple months ago, but that was probably the worst one ever. I usually don't vomit both the night before AND several times the next day. My tolerance has been so much higher since then, though, so I feel like I just had to earn it. The Five Levels of Hangover. (Pajiba)

4. I think if you ask a hipster, you will find that these things are not mutually exclusive: Massive Oregon Crowd Came to See The Decemberists, Not Barack Obama!* (Wonkette)

5. One of the most interesting articles I've read in a long, long time is about a documentarian's look at the photos from Abu Ghraib, and his search for someone to assign the blame to. He even recruits a facial-expression expert to help prove a young female soldier was a seeker of justice rather than the monster she came to be seen as in one famously incriminating smiling photo. Seriously, the whole thing is totally worth the read. The Most Curious Thing. (Errol Morris, NYT)

6. And for you Lost cult-ies, some feminist analysis from a fellow obsessed fan: Lost Salon and Open Thread. (Melissa McEwan, Shakesville)

7. LAST ONE. A funny video: Daily Show + jokes about depression = television magic!



UPDATE: Welcome to my humble blog, American Prospect readers!


*Full disclosure: despite my Obama ambivalence and lack of hipster-identification, I will say that I do love me some Decemberists and have seen some pretty sweet live shows by them.

Quote o' the Day: Angry Feminist Edition

"Progress ain't fueled by rainbows and gumdrops." -Melissa McEwan, (Feminism 101: On Anger) Shakesville.



And BTW, for the record, I am a feminist.

X-Files Drinking Game: Favorite Rules

Hey kids,

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned our X-Files Drinking Game before. It has, like, 101 rules. That are written down. There are random things we drink for that weren't really worth making into rules, or came to us after the 100 mark, but there's a lot of awesome things to drink to, is what I'm saying. BTVFF (Best TV Friend Forever) Ka$h and I are on our second journey through the complete series, currently stalled mid-season 2 while she road-trips. However, in the meantime, I copied the idea of a friend of mine, and used my economic arousal stimulus check just the way GWB wanted me to and ordered the Complete Collector's Edition off of Amazon (all nine seasons + first movie). The box comes with a drawer! With pamphlets! And a poster for the original movie! I'm totally hanging it above my bed so as to impress all the many men I bring there. By which I mean, no one will ever see this poster.

ANYWAY. I decided to pick out a few (ten, actually) favorite drinking game rules to commemorate the awesomeness that is the X-Files and especially its renewed cultural relevance due to the imminent release of a new movie.* And I just have to throw out there that I am so glad I have good X-Files fan friends now, because it was a bit odd being the only X-Files-loving, morbid, choir-singing, cynical, occasional cheerleading** Mormon girl I knew growing up. But so pull out a favorite episode, pour yourself a drink (you might want to have a back-up ready if you've got a full set of rules), and get ready for some classics.

TAKE A DRINK WHEN:
(These are not ranked, I just like making numbered lists.)

1. Krycek gets his ass kicked. This happens a lot. Sifting through all the Krycek/Mulder slash videos, this old VCR-ed promo gave the best quick synopsis of Krycek getting what he deserves:***

And I really have to say the Alex Krycek is not only a beautiful man (he goes from FBI Ken Doll --> badass pretty boy), but his character is one of the best demonstrations of the concept of "amorality" I have ever seen. Pure self-interest. Love. it.

2. Skinner's loyalty is questioned. You're not really sure whose side he's on until late in the game. But by then you totally want him to have your back. He consistently does a great job of playing the power game because can only help uncover the Truth (take a drink at its mention, BTW) if he can keep his job.

3. Ford Taurus. Starting in about season 2, this is the only rental car Mulder and Scully ever drive. (Also take a drink if Mulder is the default driver.)

4. Cancer Man lights up. The rule isn't just whenever he's smoking, because we're not promoting alcohol poisoning here, just drink when he's shown lighting a cigarette. God I love Cancer Man. And how he shot JFK.****

5. A giant '90s cell phone shows up. They are funny.

6. Scully is a badass. She's pretty much always a badass, but once in a while she'll kick somebody's ass or tell somebody off or perform some sort of feat of strength that deserves extra recognition. Do it with a drink.

7. Mulder is inappropriately snarky. Pretty much any time he is ever around any sort of authority figure.

8. "After all you've seen, after all we've been through, why can't you just believe?"

9. Mulder meets with X. Take a second drink if it goes down in a parking garage.

10. Scully is shown wearing huge shoulderpads/unfortunate frumpy early '90s clothes/has tragically bad hair.

Anyway, this is just the first installment in what is sure to be an exciting series for all of us as I spread the X-Files Drinking Game magic.

Love and vodka shots,

Lauren


*July 25th, bitchez! You know what my plans are. Also, IMDB just told me that Xzibit is in the movie. WTF? By which I mean, I can't wait.

**One season in eighth grade. But I like to bring it up because I can't believe I did that. Can you spell PUBLIC HUMILIATION? I can. That is why I stopped being a cheerleader.

***Sans the part in season 8 when Doggett starts punching him through the moving car window. The only thing more satisfying than that moment is when Skinner finally shoots Krycek in the head.

****I do not support the historical assassination of any U.S. Presidents, but I think it's awesome that his character is wrapped up in all the important events of the second half of the twentieth century. Like Forrest Gump, but way more evil.

Guitarring and walking

These boys from the Kooks met in music school and this cover/video is kind of adorable. I'm going to see them next week and I am pretty pumped about the whole thing.

There will always be anger in this world as long as Pluggers exists

I have two three main problems with this comic (besides all the normal Plugger-related complaints):

1. Pluggers should not eat other plugger species. It's gross and creepy.

2. Isn't ACTUAL bird-watching the kind of dorky/old-fashioned* hobby that pluggers would participate it in? Stupid puns.

3. ALSO: Is it just me, or is Mrs. Fox Plugger STONED OFF HER ASS? I mean, there's nothing wrong with an herbally-enhanced barbecue, I just thought Pluggers preferred to only indulge in prescription drugs and prune juice. No wonder she is waiting so intently for the food to be ready.




*No offense, Ka$h. I love your extensive bird knowledge.

Friday's Things I've Found on the Toobz and Liked

1.

I know I posted the band's video of this a while back, but Rai Thistlethwayte not only has a name that is the bane of speech therapists everywhere, but has a voice and instrumenting skills that overpower the sketchiness of his facial hair to make him still totally hot. And I just watched this a bunch of times in a row, so I figure I may as well share the wealth. That is what YouTube is for.

2. Kind of old news now, but Kieran Healy pretty much had the same thoughts I did upon seeing the new $5 bill: Um, it looks fake. Or like somebody spilled something on it. After they played with the design in Print Shop Deluxe. Choice quote:

The new additions to this bill, apparently intended to increase legibility and accessibility, were made by my daughter, who is four.

Fiveargh. (Crooked Timber)

3. "Scientology. Scientology is younger than John McCain." A fun new website to check out. (Things younger than Republican presidential candidate (oh, and did I forget to mention "war hero"?) John McCain)

4. I had a car full of douchebags (gross, right?) honk at me the other day when I was walking down the street, just wearing a regular old t-shirt and jeans. When I looked up to glare at them, they waved at me, as if to say, "You're welcome." Assholes. Adorable, adorable Ezra Klein parses out perfectly why catcalling is so creepy and disrespectful ('tis the season!):

It's a way of covering insecurity, of asserting your existence by underscoring your physical dominance. It's utterly disgusting.

Catcalling. (Ezra Klein at the American Prospect)

5. William K. Wolfrum once again demonstrates his vast satiristic skillz in Cleveland Cavaliers, Utah Jazz must drop out of playoffs for the good of the NBA. (Shakesville)

John C. Calhoun: Hey, thanks for the Civil War, buddy!

John C. Calhoun had bad hair
He said things of which no one cared
He was of little worth from the day of his birth
To find such a loser is rare
-by me in 11th grade

At left: John C. Calhoun does his best to crush the still-beating heart of the federal Union.


John C. Calhoun was an ugly, ugly, racist, hateful man. John C. Calhoun helped stir the political pot over slavery for DECADES in the first half of the nineteenth century. He is responsible for the doctrine of "nullification" that basically says states can just say "No, thanks" to federal laws, and endorsed the right of secession. Did I mention that he was from South Carolina? He was nicknamed the "cast-iron man" because he looked like he'd been hit in the face with a cast-iron pan. Or maybe it was because he just really, really, really wanted to defend slavery. Like, a lot. After attending Yale, marrying his first cousin once removed FLORIDE COLHOUN CALHOUN, and passing the bar, John C. Calhoun jumped pretty quickly into national politics. First elected to the House of Representatives at the age of 28, Calhoun helped set the stage for national debates with such illustrious colleagues as Daniel Webster and Henry Clay over the role of federalism in the U.S. He was also a big war hawk. He was like Fox News for the War of 1812. He ended up serving as the Secretary of War (I wish we still used this incredibly honest title) under Monroe, and helped fuck over Native Americans by insisting that Indians either assimilate or go west. John C. Calhoun was not cool with the melaninally-enhanced.

At first, everybody was all on the "Let's build a national system of roads and shit" train, but things got complicated after the Corrupt Bargain of 1824. Calhoun had jumped into the presidential race early, but found little support, so ended up running and winning as Vice President in the nail-biter between John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, and Henry Clay. Well, Adams ended up President, Clay the Secretary of State, and Jackson, well, he lived to fight another day. As we know. John C. Calhoun was pretty disillusioned with how the whole deal played out. He had realized that sleazy politicians could manipulate the federal government to their own whims. DUH. What did he think the electoral college was for? Democracy? Fat chance! Oh, and in the meantime, his poor wife Crest or whatever was giving birth to baby after baby (ten in 18 years; with seven surviving infancy). With a father that looked like that, and all that inbreeding, the poor Calhoun children probably never stood a chance, looks-wise.

But so anyway, as VP, Calhoun had nothing better to do than just sit around and come up with crappy political philosophy. Especially since he pretty much hated Adams after the election and was totally on Team Jackson. After the passage of some tariffs (Tariff of Abominations, anyone?) that fucked over the Southern economy, Calhoun was like, "Oh no, you didn't."So he started advocating nullification and "states' rights." He joined the Jackson campaign in 1828, and became his Vice President.* But Calhoun had conflicts with Andrew Jackson too. I'm starting to think maybe John C. Calhoun was just an asshole control freak. Maybe. But the best conflict came along with the Peggy Eaton Affair. (See my Martin Van Buren post to read more insightful insights about this political era.) APPARENTLY (said in my mother's best gossipy voice) ol' Mrs. Colgate Colhoun Calhoun was the instigator of the whole gossip/ snubbing/ scandal that tore apart Jackson's Cabinet. I guess Calhoun's wife/cousin sucked about as much as he did. Calhoun ended up resigning, but he was like, "Whatever, I didn't want to be your vice president anyway, I'm going to run for Senate!"

John C. Calhoun made his biggest waves and wore his worst haircuts as a U.S. Senator for the state of South Carolina. After the nasty Nullification Crisis of 1832, the public was aware of Calhoun's sectionalist views. In the Senate over the next couple decades (close enough, including a brief stint as Tyler's Secretary of State), John C. Calhoun helped push the pro-slavery anti-nationalist agenda. He helped contribute to such gems of statesmanship as the Fugitive Slave Law and the Compromise of 1850. He gave speeches on the floor of the Senate about how inferior blacks were and how slavery was a "positive good" that protected them from themselves. Calhoun died in 1850 of tuberculosis. But don't worry, his philosophies on state-federal relations helped bring about the Confederacy. Also, lots of shit got named after him, including a dorm at Yale and a lake here in the Twin Cities!

FYI: I am totally going to have nightmares about JCC tonight.



*The only other person to serve as VP to two different Presidents was George Clinton. No, not THAT George Clinton. Though you can't knock the P-Funk.


-This post is totally for Julia, who specifically requested it. You too can request posts at any time. Seriously. Whenever. I'm just waiting. Drop 'em in the comments.

Hot guy with funny accent endorses other hot guy with funny name

"Not in our America, and not in our America when Barack Obama is President of the United States." John Edwards, stop inspiring me to be inspired by other inspirational politicians, I'm DONE.

WTF, Marmaduke?

If by classy you mean "lazy and pretentious (though not as pretentious as a limo)," then yes, yes it is classy. I also like how Marmaduke can somehow pay for a taxi but can't afford luggage and has to use a classic hobo bundle on a stick. Is that the bone of one of his hapless victims sticking out of that bandanna? Another question: why does that cab have suicide doors? And how do they know he's running away? He could just be off for an illicit rendezvous at a trashy motel, but doesn't want to risk having his car seen in the parking lot. I think Brad Anderson just gets stoned and draws Marmaduke doing ridiculous shit. Then he puts the comics in a drawer and forgets about them for a while. Later, he gets stoned again and writes the captions, totally cracking himself up the whole time.

Sparks: alcohol + caffeine = magic

This is an actual microscopic photo of what happens to Sparks molecules in your stomach. Doesn't it feel delicious?

I love Sparks. Get over it. I'm like a trashy alcoholic 12 year-old,* and I don't care. You may say, "Lauren, isn't it bad to mix uppers and downers?" And I would reply, "I don't know! Do I look like a drug fiend?" Then you might also say, "But Sparks is gross!" And I would say, "Yes, yes it is. So?" But let me tell you a little story about Sparks, okay? It goes like this: make it the first drink of the night. If you want to start drinking, but you're feeling a little tired, just have a Sparks! Seriously. And if that 6% isn't doin' it for you, just drink it down a bit and pour some vodka in.** You'll never taste it. You know why? Because Sparks tastes like the "citrus" flavor of vitamin C tablets. In liquid form. I know, right? Why would anyone drink it? Better question: why would anyone NOT drink it? It comes in a can that looks like a BATTERY! If that doesn't scream "carcinogens contained within," I don't know what does. But god knows getting cancer from alcohol is way cooler than getting it from my Nalgene bottle (unless my Nalgene is full of Sparks, in which case it's really a tossup). I should also mention that you do get used to the taste after the first couple sips, and it's sure as hell a lot more badass than Boone's Farm, okay?

Sparks is also good for:

1- Drinking in front of oblivious parents/children/people who are less trashy than you who just think you're having an energy drink.

2- Low alcohol content + 16 whole oz. = perfect for drinking games for non-beer drinkers.

3- Bringing in a water bottle to a play/movie/wedding/whatever. If you spill, it just looks like orange soda or gatorade. But it's BOOZE.

4. Buying a drink on the go (AKA gas stations and grocery stores where the liquor laws are more liberal than Minnesota's).

Do not attempt:

1- To drink more than one or two Sparks in a sitting. Gross.

2- Any of the drink recipes listed at the Sparks website (linked above) that suggest mixing it with Mickey's, High Life, and other things that are shitty beer; which are EXACTLY what I'm avoiding by drinking Sparks.

3- Sparks Light. Ew. That's like making diet brownies: why bother? Just become drunkorexic if you're really that worried about it.

4- To convince others that it tastes good. Empirically, this claim will never hold up. Sparks is gross. But I like it anyway. And so should you.


*Dear real-life 12 year-olds,

Please wait a few years to start killing all your brain cells. Now is the time to read a lot, build up your nerd cred, and get good grades so you can go to a fancy liberal arts college with other nerds who like to party and have brain cells to spare. And besides, most 12 year-old alcoholics are not nearly as cute as Drew Barrymore and are much, much sadder.

Sincerely,
Someone Who Never Drank Until She Was 21 Because She Was Mormon But Still Managed to Have Lots of Wholesome Fun in the Meantime

**There's also "Sparks Plus" that is 7%. Apparently this is due to the increased positive charge. Or something.

Tuesday Tidbits

All that glorious Joe Soucheray-bashing and today's template-fussing-with has left me awfully uninspired. Or perhaps I should just start admitting that uninspired is my most natural state. Inspiration wouldn't really be special if it was a consistent state of being. So anyway, some links and whatnot:

-Apparently some people shave at their desks. Ew. I think this is a plus to working in an office full of women; no one would bother shaving their legs at their desk. I hope. But I hadn't mentioned facial hair in a while, so I thought it was time to live up to my own masthead. Don't mess with genius. (Embrace Your Inner Nerd)

-New(to me) blogger Lisa Kansas has a great discussion about abstinence. Key quote:

Why is it so important to not have sex? Why the obsession? After having read multiple articles and surfed too many websites, I have come to the following conclusion: There is no abstinence movement that is not based in an organized patriarchal religion.

Personally, I am SHOCKED to learn that the patriarchy might be involved in this whole "no-sex" thing. Shocked and appalled. All These Posts about the Abstinence Clearinghouse Have Inspired Me. (Punkass Blog)

I don't have anything else cool to share right now. I was tragically lacking in internet access for much of the weekend. However, this did allow my hands and wrists to rest a little (repetitive stress, anyone?), and they actually do not hurt today. So, huzzah! The Sexy Gay Jesus always has a plan.