Things I Like about America

The 4th of July was last week, and I thought about doing a historical Declaration of Independence post, but then I was too lazy. So instead, belatedly, I will list a few things I like about America:

1. One of our nation's Founding Fathers/patriarchal icons was super-sleazy. That part isn't so cool as much as the fact that it is so well-known that it's talked about in that lowest form of comedy possible, the newspaper comic: Frankly Synchronous (Comics I Don't Understand).

2. Despite all our incredibly well-known flaws, Americans still believe this is the best country in the world: are you proud to be an american? (Passive Aggressive Notes).

3. We're the TV-iest country evah. And I fucking love my TV.

4. We produce a lot of t-shirts. The t-shirt is my favorite item of clothing. Hands down.

5. We're not any of those other countries that have violent uprisings and protest and whatnot. Most of the time. But it always ends pretty quickly and we can take comfort in the fact that nothing will actually change.

6. Cheetos. 'Nuf said.

Tears of clownishly over-emotional lady comics

Via Feministe, I have discovered a fellow named John Glenn Taylor who can explain to all of us why the ladies got to be cryin' all the time. I have often wondered what it is exactly that causes my feminine tear ducts to lose control and leak all over my face. Well, through extensive vintage romance comics research, JGT has uncovered and classified many of the situational triggers for this icky emotional response. 'Tis teh awesome: Panels 66: Why Chicks Cry (Easily Mused).

Quote o' the Day: Josh makes me laugh out loud again

While considering the fabulous Wolverine/Spider-Man newspaper comic crossover going on right now, the Josh Fruhlinger ponders whether it is really necessary for superheroes to hide their real-life identities from one another:

I mean, did Superman and Batman hang around the Justice League and Batman would say, “You know what really bugs me? The liberal media! Like, have you read that Clark Kent guy? He’s so obviously biased!” and then Superman would say “Well, what about that jerk Bruce Wayne? Inherited all that money and is he doing anything worthwhile with it? He’s probably putting most of it into overseas tax dodges!” That all just seems awkward.

At least he doesn't have a car to get towed (The Comics Curmudgeon)

Current or at least semi-recent events

1. Have you heard that the Michael Jackson died? I spent a number of hours making a timeline/display thingy with all these Google images and features on PowerPoint I didn't know existed before, and it is now hanging up in front of the counter here in the pop culture library. I kind of wished he'd passed on right after his Super Bowl XXVII performance and right before the first child abuse allegations came out. So, early 1993 is what I'm saying. As long as he had time to produce this gem first:



I remember coming home from that great cinematic masterpiece and singing the song with my siblings while jumping on the trampoline. We may or may not have come up with a "Free Willy" game to go with it.

2. Remember, like, a really long time ago when I was all up in Al Franken's primary campaign at my local caucus? Wasn't that awesome? Because now, over one year later, he has finally been crowned Prince of Minnesota's Junior Senatorial Seat. The BBC has the rundown of the whole shenanigan-filled process: Q&A: Minnesota senate election (hat tip Alison's Gchat status)

3. Some governor of something or rather has fallen in love with an Argentinean newslady and somebody sleazy released their private emails. Amanda Marcotte has an interesting analysis of the fact Sanford has evoked ridicule from various sources for breaking both the "men don't fall in love" and "marriage/love is/should be work" dicta: The Karmic punishment of Sanford's middle-aged passion. (Pandagon)

WTF, one-panel comics?!

Yesterday's Marmaduke:



If she's pouring gravy/not syrup onto Marmaduke's waffle, what the hell is in that random bucket? The blood of an innocent Christian child? WTF, Marmaduke?!

Pluggers from a week or two ago:



That's not a cell phone, that's a WWII-era military radio. WTF, Pluggers?!

And finally, a Family Circus from a few days ago:



Adorable malapropism, or regular recitation of prayers to the Devil? WTF, Family Circus?!

Flippin' the bird to dudebros

Dear Dudebros of America:

Yes, I know you don't read this blog, but if by some miraculous accident you happen upon it, here are a few things I need to get off my chest:

1. Setting up a milk-drinking contest table in your front yard does not make you cool. It makes you 14.

2. Yelling something to a lady wearing an ipod who is running by your douchey milk party is fruitless and also rude and also harassment.

3. When said running lady turns around because everyone is laughing and staring at her, she will raise her glorious middle finger at you.

4. I hope all y'all assholes choked on your gallons of milk and vomited them up all over your yard. I hope those puddles of milk started to ferment in the sun and that your yard smells all curdly for days and days.

Love,
Lauren

P.S. I hate you.

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Other bloggers also concerned about booze and boozing

Much to my dismay, marketing executives seem to believe that if they do not blatantly direct their advertising towards, say, women, women will never realize that they want, nay, NEED this product and buy lots and lots of it, mostly in pink. Or like, it has to be covered with naked ladies playing football while eating bacon on top of a car in order for something to appeal to men. This is because said executives think people are stupid. They also think that commercials are good for anything besides elevating brand name recognition. Seriously, if it were up to me, most TV ads would be like:

• "McDonald's. Just reminding you that we're still cheap." (instead of that ridiculous new campaign to make them appear "hip" "diverse" and "urban" or whatever the hell is going on)
• "Clothes. Here are pictures of some of the new ones we have at Old Navy." (without those stupid mannequins making borderline offensive really clever quips)
• "Axe. Smelly shit for sexist assholes."
• "Apple. Our products are color-coordinated." (stop trying to convince us that John Hodgman is not way awesomer than that smug sweatshirted dude who is or isn't still dating Drew Barrymore)
• "Detergent. You, gender neutral person who washes his or her own clothes like any regular grownup rather than treating a romantic partner like a servant, need it."
• "All products from the beauty-industrial complex. Ladies: we've already convinced you you're inadequate, fat, ugly, and unlovable the way you are, so we'd appreciate it if you'd keep buying our stuff, and we'll stop making insulting ads."
• "Beer. Wait, why do we even bother advertising beer? You're going to buy it anyway."
  

Just a sampling of my own advertising genius. BTW, Madison Avenue, I'm taking calls.

My new favorite blogger Sady at Tiger Beatdown takes apart Ketel One's "Remember when men could dress up in formalwear and play cards and drink vodka together? Oh, wait. They still can? Whatever, Ketel One is for dudez" ad. I am far more unsurprised than disappointed, despite my long-established love for Ketel One, esp. Citroen AKA CANDYJESUSORGASMMAGICSAUCE. Sady proves the commercial right by drinking some Ketel One and turning into the hottest piece of hairy-chested, mustachioed, short-shorted manmeat ever to grace '80s prime time television. Also, currently on the Retro Network every night at nine. Check out the funny: Calling the Ketel WHACK. (Tiger Beatdown)

Also, the Apostate has captured quite accurately my inner response to non-drinkers (who aren't Mormon or anything obvious like that): "WTF? Don't you like fun and also delicious beverages?!" Choice Apostate quote: "[A]s we all know, it’s shared dysfunctionality that creates loving bonds between misanthropes." So true. Go readz it: You don't drink?!!. (The Apostate)

Can't get enough of that Garfield

A fine visual reenactment of the Great Garfield Statue Beheading of 2009:




On a related note, I'm still not sure if Garfield Minus Garfield is hilarious or just incredibly existentially distressing.

James A. Garfield Extravangza Part 2: wordz n pix

Here are some extraneous facts that did not make the final cut of the video and some pictures of our tour of the James A. Garfield National Historic Site in Mentor, Ohio. A super-sassy volunteer old lady gave us a kickass tour of the house. Highly recommended, but no sweet gift shop like the one at the Grant House. (frowny face) We drove there in torrential downpours and also BTW Cleveland is ugly.

FACT: The Garfield museum featured a large mural comparing Lincoln and Garfield. They were both born in log cabins, see? Also, bearded. And assassinated. And the biographical video we watched suggested that the American public was more distraught when Garfield died than when Lincoln died and that Garfield was pretty much awesomer than Lincoln except for that he died too soon for us to find out. I find this hard to believe. I mean, Garfield was like a genius or whatever and had a better beard, but we're talking SAINT ABRAHAM "FREED THE SLAVES" LINCOLN here. Blasphemy, people.

Me & Ka$h reliving the magic of the 1880 front-porch campaign.

FACT: Part of the reason James and Lucretia bought their house at Lawnfield was because James thought his five sons were getting too soft living in DC or whatever and should have the experience of manly farm life like he did in his log-cabinning childhood.

Yes! We are here! See? Look at the sign! And the rain!

FACT: JAG is the only person to ever be elected to the office of the President directly from the House of Representatives.

This blurry photo of the I-Man features the sweet window in the crazy awesome library which had a crazy (like, actually crazy) concrete and iron vault that Crete had built to store Garfield documents and such. Technically this was the first presidential library, but it wasn't open to the public until after the Garfield family stopped living in the home in the 1930s. So Grant still wins.

FACT: In 1886, the U.S. Mint issued a $20 gold certificate featuring Garfield's face.

Awesome windmill Crete had put in in the early 1900s to pump water into the house. Genius!

FACT: An old sandstone statue of Pres. Garfield was donated to his alma mater Hiram College earlier this year, but was mysteriously decapitated in the night after being officially dedicated! The head and the beheader are still at large.

Garfield Extravanza Part 1: Audio/Visual Edition

So I finally finished my James A. Garfield vlog after having visited the national historic site and whatnot, like a few weeks ago. So hooray!



Notes on the music:

Some awesome French dude is blogging on the seminal Anthology of American Folk Music and conveniently gathered a bunch of versions of the "Charles Guiteau" song that you can download at The Old, Weird America. My favorite has to be the rockin' cover I used over the credits by random Dutch musician Meindert Talma and his totally unproblematically-named backup band, The Negroes.

I couldn't find an mp3 of it, but you should watch this fine performance by Johnny Cash of "Mr. Garfield":



I am so grateful that other people in this world love to take the mythology of our American Preznits and make pretty songs and blogs and pictures and whatnot. Hooray for historical nerdery!

You wouldn't stick just ANY unnecessarily gender-identified item in your ear, would you?

Really? REALLY? REALLY?!!

So I have a new neighbor. I thought Karaoke Jesus was being replaced by another singing Jesus fan lady. That was apparently only temporary. For one Saturday morning a few weeks ago I was awakened by the sounds of a dude on the phone, trying to convince his girlfriend Sam that that "disgusting bitch" who drove his car home last night just dropped him off and they totally did not hook up. Choice highlights: "Don't let rumors ruin this!" "Let me come over and talk to you. What, you have plans? At 10:45 in the morning?" "I'm hungover as shit." "I love you so fucking much." "NOTHING HAPPENED." And I'm pretty sure nothing happened because I would have heard that shit. Since this time, Sam has yet to make an appearance, so as far as I know, they broke up over those rumors. My dear neighbor has come to be known as TV Guy. Why such a creative nickname, you ask? Because he watches a lot of TV. Really loudly. Like, all the time. Like he has a super-fancy sounding subwoofer hooked up to it right up against my bedroom wall and I can hear every line of dialogue. And then he sleeps with the TV on. He turns it down for that part, but it's still going when I wake up really early to go to one of my jobs. And speaking of jobs, I'm pretty sure TV Guy doesn't have one.

Anyway, so I'm a light sleeper and this super-loud TV thing late at night when I have to work in the morning thing is not going to work. Did I mention he likes loud guitar music, both for listening and for playing on his own electric guitar? Also, he smokes a lot of pot that wafts into my window while I'm trying to sleep. I suppose the upside would be if I actually got a contact high and was able to sleep through his interminable viewings of super-noisy Simpsons episodes. After a few ridiculous nights, I was a little drunk and Isaac was over to encourage me, so I went ahead and knocked on the wall. I asked if he could turn the TV down, he did, and I said thank you through the wall. Even so, I decided that I needed to invest in some earplugs.

I perused the earplug section at Kroger and discovered that there are far more options than one might expect in that department. But I spotted something so ridiculous and offensive that I was forced to buy it so I could take pictures and blog about it. These:

Only the slightly thinner, hot pink earplugs will work to block out my husband's snoring!

SCENE: Thursday night, Lauren is drunk. Super fucking loud action show bleeding through the wood paneling at nearly 3:00 in the morning when I have to work at 9:00. I am in bed with my pink earplugs in, it is still too loud, and Isaac confirms independently that the volume level is ridiculous. I do not want to get out of bed or be polite. I grab a romance novel and throw it at the wall. TV Guy reacts very quickly to turn it down. I hope this will be our last confrontation and he'll be like, "Hey, maybe on weeknights after midnight I should turn this shit down to under 11 because some people like my next door neighbor who has now both politely and irately indicated that the television might be too loud may have to get to sleep so they can work for a living in the morning. Also, I should stop having such emo hair. But the first part is a priority."

Anyway, I can't get over the fact that this Hearos brand sells a) so many different types of earplugs and also some sort of pop can opener/lid thing (Why is that necessary? Pour it in a sippy cup, people! Buy a 20-ouncer with a twist-on lid. Seriously!), some special earbuds, and more and also b) WTF WHY DO LADIES HAVE TO HAVE SPECIAL EARPLUGS THAT ARE PINK?!! Are they PH balanced for a woman's ear? Do they secrete some especially lady-friendly vitamins for my special lady ear vitamin needs? I HATE MARKETING DEPARTMENTS. "Let's make it pink, say it's for women, and sell it as a separate product!" Great idea, assholes. Anyway, check out their "TV" site. Click on the dial for channel 2 for a great commercial. They are right about beauty sleep always being in fashion, though. I should tell TV Guy about that.