Monday, July 28, 2014

Energy Drink Review: NOS Zero Charged Citrus

GUYS, NOS HAS A NEW FLAVOR OMG. "For advanced mental focus and high performance energy." I saw this NOS Zero "Charged Citrus" at the local SA by my current temp job and knew it was for me. And for you. I DO THIS FOR YOU, PEOPLE.

FLAVOR: Like a gummy worm. You guys, there is now a NOS that tastes like a gummy worm! EXTRA! EXTRA! WORLD'S MOST EFFECTIVE ENERGY DRINK NOW TASTES LIKE CANDY. This is definitely more exciting than this morning's This Is New in My Life Development, which was using QuickBooks to create invoices.

EFFECTIVENESS: I have no doubts about how well this well work, but I will keep you updated on my 16 fl oz (1 pt) of awesomeness. It's definitely working. I'm about 2/3 of the way through and it's kept me pretty active while doing a lot of pulling/digging through files. SO THAT IS SOMETHING.

UPDATE: After work, I was still energized and WENT FOR A RUN. ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON AT 5 P.M. This is monumental. Clearly, the Nos is the Mos(t).


Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Energy Drink Review: Liquid Ice

An adult human woman poses with a small energy drink can between her large breasts. Source.
Liquid Ice, a li'l 8.3-oz. can of energy, is another of my Jonzy's of Wisconsin acquisitions. This claims to be a "high performance drink." WE'LL SEE. It also claims to be the "ULTIMATE MIXER." Again, we'll see except for that I have no booze on me because I am at work and also it is the morning.

FLAVOR: The drink itself is blue like the can and tastes like, well, Pixie Sticks or Sweet Tarts or something. A Good Flavor, if you like chemicals and candy. It does not taste like "liquid ice," which would just be water. I do think this energy drink would make an excellent mixer. Maybe I should go back to the website and buy four cases get one free because I've given up on pretending I'm not trying to slowly kill myself with caffeine and vodka.

EFFECTIVENESS: It's a tiny half-size can, so I have no significant expectations, but general tiredness (GENERAL TIREDNESS SALUTE) perhaps can be staved off briefly. Something called CoQ-10 supposedly "promotes healthy metabolic fuel efficiency within the cells." WHATEVER YOU SAY, DR. SCIENCE! Also, CoQ-10 sounds like the chemical that gave Alex Mack her special powers. BTWs, tried to watch a few episodes of that show recently because I used to love it so much and it was not very watchable. I used to dress just like her with the oversized boys' striped t-shirts in the mid-'90s, though. Pretty sweet look circa sixth grade. I finished the can and I have perked up just fine, but I fear it won't last long because of the low volume of beverage.

OVERALL: Pretty good. Would like in 16-oz. version. Recommended.

Horror Classic Remakes: Village of the Damned

John Carpenter's Village of the Damned.  Kirstie Alley AND Christopher Reeve! So '80s. Okay, I guess this is a remake. Haha, from 1995. Mark Hamill is also in it. The original was from 1960.

Waterfront house. Weird, dark cloud goes into the house. Pre-paralyzed Christopher Reeve gets out of bed in sexy tighty whities. His wife gets up and kisses him and they say some shit to each other. The town of Midwich has 2000 residents. The screenplay is based on a novel and also the 1960 film. In another house, a dark, whispery shadow flies over another seeping shirtless guy. His name is Frank. His lady is brushing her teeth. They have pretty good '90s wallpaper in the bathroom. She's all hot and blonde and wants him to get up. He's driving her somewhere in a truck. She has a sweet pink blazer blouse thingy on and he has a denim jacket with a corduroy collar. She's a school principal. She doesn't want him to smoke. He says he'll quit when she gets pregnant. TOTES FAIR DEAL.

Principal Lady and Frank are helping set up for some sort of school harvest festival. Frank leaves to go pick up a helium tank. A real estate lady shows a house to a couple as Frank drives by. This area is very picturesque. An old guy with a sweet ponytail uses a payphone. Frank sees Reeve AKA "Doc" at the gas station. Doc has to go do doctor business instead of going to the festival. The local priest is insistent to Principal Lady that they need finger paints. A sketchy janitor dude named Carlton drinks out of a paper bag in a classroom. Weird whisper noises. It's almost 10:00. Ms. Principal collapses. So does Carlton and the classroom bird. Everybody outside has also passed out. The whole town is asleep, I guess? Not Frank, though. He's in his truck that says "Crown something something" on the side. He gets distracted by some passed out cows in a field, nearly hits a truck and then smashes into another car and it explodes.

Some cop talks about how it's totally not chemical weapons. Kirstie Alley wears all black and smokes and is some sort of important sassy lady. The cops and emergency vehicles gather on this side of the white line they have literally painted on the road. The doctor shows up and wonders what's happening. The cops send one of theirs to the other side in a gas mask. He walks a ways and then passes out. They pull him back across the line with the rope tied around his waist. Kirstie is an epidemiologist. The edges of the effected area are well-defined. Mysterious. Doc worries about his wife. The cows start to get up. Now the passed out cops inside the line are awake too. Back at the school, the principal, bird, and Carlton wake up. The clock now says 4:00. Everybody out at the festival, including some cute dogs, start to get up. Everybody's like, WTF? Carlton is just like, "Sweet, I haven't drank my whole bottle yet!" A dude fell asleep on the grill and got barbecued. Gross. The cops and military roll into town. Doc Reeves finds his wife, the real estate agent. She says she's okay, but cold.

Another lady whose bath was interrupted by the passing out gets scared by a guy in a HazMat suit in her house. Principal Lady sees Frank's burnt truck getting towed. Now there's a mass funeral. The priest talks about how the "power of science" is worthless in this situation. Kirstie wears all beige and checks her watch. Mark Hamill is the priest! I didn't recognize him all old. Principal is sad about her dead husband. Doc talks to Dr. Kirstie about some "Book of the Damned." She's wearing all black again. Only one color at a time. She gives the Doc her card and says some shit about Sherlock Holmes. The principal feels ill outside the school. SHE'S DEFINITELY PREGNANT. Doc tells some other blonde lady she's pregnant. Bath lady is crying in the church. Rev. Skywalker is concerned. Her name is Melanie. They all passed out and got knocked up. It can't be that far to a city with an abortion clinic!

A big banner at a party: "Welcome Home, Ben." He's come back from a year in Japan and someone says something tactless about his pregnant wife. Doc has a sweet old-timey laptop. His wife wears an amazing vest. SHE'S PREGNANT! He's not too thrilled. He shows up at Principal's house. She's pregnant. He tells her there's a lot of pregnancies. An abnormally high number for such a small town all at the same time. They date from the day of the blackout. That weird cloud knocked 'em all up. ANGRY TOWN MEETING. The Doc tries to reassure them that their freak pregnancies have no abnormalities. I think Doc is smoking. Dr. Kirstie gets up to start talking about their decisions and how the National Science Foundation she works for will pay $3000 and all prenatal and birthing expenses will be paid if they can experiment on the kids. She says a team of ABORTIONISTS will be brought in for those who want to end their pregnancies. Ben's wife, the other blonde lady, is all sad because her husband is pissed. She heard "The [pregnant] Roberts girl is a virgin." NOBODY'S BUSINESS. Principal doesn't know what her choice will be.

Weird whispers at night. Principal has a dream. So does Callie, the other blonde. They're wearing white and rubbing their pregnant bellies in space or something. The Doc comforts his vaguely Asian wife as she wakes from the bad dream. Dr. Kristie smokes in the medical clinic. All the women are keeping their babies. Probs because everyone would know if they got an abortion. They ladies are getting more pregnanter. A birthing class. A row of cars shows up at a giant barn set up to be a maternity ward since apparently they've all gone into labor at the same time. They're all lying on their backs, of course. Melanie (I'm guessing she's the Roberts girl) is having complications. Doc successfully delivers a baby girl for his wife. The reverend's wife with a terrible lesbian haircut delivers a kid. Ben shows up to Callie's bed. He's going to love her again (because at least the bastard child isn't black). Dr. Kirstie is helping Melanie deliver, but the baby is stillborn. Kirstie runs off with the baby who I'm guessing isn't actually stillborn. She puts it in her van. Umbilical asphyxia. Kirstie smokes and pretends to be sad. The reverend asks Kirstie why she took the baby, she says it's for an autopsy. Isaac just made an "Awwwtopsy" joke because babies are cute.

Kirstie takes it to the clinic to do something mysterious. Rev. Skywalker baptizes his kid. All the other kids are getting christened that day or whatever. How many are there? Twelve maybe. Doc puts his kid down to sleep. Later he looks through a microscope at the dead baby's hair while Kirstie talks about how DNA makes it look like all the kids are related. Principal's kid is, like a year and half old, and spells out his own name, David, with blocks. He has creepy white-blond hair. The kids are two or three now, and Doc's kid has a crappy white wig on. She throws her food on the floor and her mom is concerned. That kid does NOT look like vaguely Asian Mom, but I guess we all know they're not normal. Her kid's eyes glow green in anger, I guess? Principal has come over to visit. Angry Wig Baby's eyes glow as she forces her mom to put her arm in bowling soup. She screams and Principal comes inside. She helps her pull her arm out, but she puts it back in. In the hospital, her arm's all bandaged up, but she won't tell Doc what happened. She's afraid of her kid now.

A foggy day, Vaguely Asian Mom goes for a walk and looks sad. Doc watches his kid with a terrible wig sleep and looks Concerned. I think his wife might have just jumped off of the cliff. Dr. Kirstie talks to a mysterious panel of people in a dark, smoky room. She says they have to keep studying the kids for "national security" reasons even though people have been hurt and Doc's dropped out of the study what with his wife being all dead. His daughter has been identified as the creepy children's leader. Kirstie asks for another year's grant. It's several years later and several white-blond children in gray clothes walk the school playground. The town has become largely run down and abandoned.

They've come to the clinic to see Dr. Kirstie. Mara, the leader, tells Kristie she knows she's trying to read her thoughts. Kirstie says it would be noisy if people said everything they thought. One of the kids goes in for an eye exam. The doctor puts the wrong chemical in her eye after dropping something and she screams. All the other kids get worried. The kid's iris does some weird red contracted thing. Mara comes in and flashes her red eyes at the eye doctor, who she forces to put the bad stuff in her own eyes.

The kids are lined up creepily outside Midwich Clinic. The one girl has an eye patch on. The doctor's probably permanently blind. What are these all-tan cigarettes Kirstie smokes? Reverend is worried about everybody's safety. Principal thinks Doc should teach the fucked up kids separately. She says he can teach them Humanity. Nice try. He clearly doesn't like his own kid. I love her Kid Blazer. That's some Creepy X-Files Twins Shit. The children do not like affection. Principal tries to brush her kid's hair and he says, "There's no need to become emotional." HAHA. He asks her why she's thinking some word, "empathy." Little baby sociopaths. I don't think he actually gets it. There are four matching sets of the kids and one smaller, single one. I think that one is David. I love his white hair. He comes upon A drunk and crying Melanie in the cemetery. She jokingly? offers him some booze. He sees her contemplating suicide (in his mind) and looks at her creepily.

Approximately ten people are at Melanie's funeral. Apparently she went through with it. Rev. Skywalker says the kids have only one mind and spirit between them. Doc sees David at the cemetery. He's "looking for the baby," the one who died. His creepy row-walking partner. Doc says the baby was taken away. "She was to be with me," David says. He's experiencing sadness, I guess. In a creepy sociopath way. David knows Doc has lost somebody. He holds Doc's hand at his dead wife's grave. That's a little empathetic. GROSS. Doc tells Principal what her kid did and said and she's confused. Maybe the dead one was to be his mate. Doc says he'll teach them.

 Carlton continues to drink. Apparently he still has a job. Doc has the creepy kids in class. They all follow Mara's lead. They simultaneously take out books to read as he has to leave the room for a moment. I love the girls' terrible matching wigs. Carlton comes in, "I know your game." He's watching them. "You ain't right, none of you." He jabs his broomstick at the kids, but they don't flinch. He says somebody's going to get them eventually, but they stand and stare at him. They get glowy green eyes and approach him. David hangs back as they follow him outside and he backs up a ladder backwards. As their eyes turn red, he sends himself off the roof onto his broomstick. Doc finds him dead and he and Principal look Concerned.

Mara comes to her dad and tells him "There are going to be changes." He goes to Kirstie and asks her who the children are. Kirstie thought they were a genetic mutation at first. There are other colonies: one in Australia, Alaska, Turkey. All the kids died in most of them. She says parthenogenesis is not real. She suggests CIA and says something about SUPERSPERM. Kirstie thinks it's xenogenesis. The mothers were just hosts. Duh. This plot is actually not too bad. The stillborn one is in a jar in the clinic basement. It looks like an alien. Kirstie says she's been hiding everything and has been building a wall in her mind to protect herself. Doc gets home and Mara says the kids are moving into the big abandoned barn and wants him to bring them supplies. There's no stopping them, she says. He won't tell her what Dr. Kirstie said. One by one, the parents drop off their overdressed children with adorable kid-size suitcases. Principal tells David he doesn't have to do everything the others do, but he says they're all the same. Ben comes to take back his daughter, but the other kids won't tell him anything. They make red eyes at him and now he's all entranced and is probs going to crash his truck. Why do these creepy little girls have such bad bangs? He crashes into a propane tank in a corn field.

Kirstie tells Doc to get out (of town) tonight for some reason. The other towns with blackout children have been destroyed. The government told her to escape. Doc confronts the kids about Ben's death. "Why do you hate us so much, Mara?" She says it's a biological imperative. She says if they coexist, they will dominate the humans. "Life is cruelty," she says. Doc says adaptation is key. He tells her that without emotions they are nothing. "Emotion is irrelevant." She asks if he should be allowed to live since he knows what they are. He thinks of the ocean to block his thoughts. She says he won't be able to deceive them and will have to help them escape and spread out to survive. She sends him to make arrangements, but I think he's only pretending to go along with it for now. David stares and has feelings, I think. Mara tells him sucks because he's without a partner and his development of emotions is "disturbing." Skywalker aims to shoot her from a cornfield, but gets confronted by four kids. He shoots his own bestubbled head off instead.

Dr. Kirstie and her assistants run off with their documents. Rev.'s wife screams with a mob. The kids confront Kirstie in the clinic. I don't think they'll let her go. Torches, bats, pitchforks. The kids creepily line up across the street. A few of them guide Kirstie into the basement to show them the dead one. A creepy little floating alien. Rev's wife talks in King James Version speech. David goes to look at his dead girlfriend with her autopsy scar. He's sad. Disturbing. The kids orange/red eyes make Mrs. Reverend drop her torch and set herself on fire. Principal just stares. Kirstie lays on the table and unzips her '90s turtleneck. She's going to autopsy herself. Auto-autopsy. Y-incision! Should probably undo her bra first. David isn't into it. He looks sad and is not eye-glowy. Doc breaks into a barn? The barn? He's stealing explosives. He'll destroy them all. Cops and military come into town and tell everybody it's an emergency and to return home. Principal is freaked out by the burnt lady's body.

Doc shows up at the clinic, looking for someone or something. Principal goes to the school and tries to call him, I think. Doc meets her there and says they can't stop the police or the children, but they can block his thoughts. He kisses Principal and is going to do something he won't disclose. He locks her into the school. She screams, "Not David. He's not one of them!" The kids hear the sirens approaching. David looks scared. The cops line up with their rifles drawn. The cops won't shoot at the kids. Instead, they start shooting at each other. Other cop cars crash into each other. Red eyes flash in the chaos. Cops get into a big gunfight. The children will a helicopter to crash with their minds. Principal breaks out of the school. David hangs out inside the barn, being scared. Principal grabs Burnt Lady's purse and takes her keys and her car to drive out to the barn.

Doc drives up to the massive destruction by the barn in his sweet wood-paneled station wagon. He turns the timer on in his briefcase full of dynamite and brings it into the barn, where the kids are sitting at their desks. He claims he left his notebook in his car and asks David to go get it. Mara says no, though. He gives her a brick wall in his mind. Principal shows up. She sneaks in to grab David, but they don't want him to go. Mara green eyes and David comes back. They red eye at Doc's brick brain wall and he tries to resist. Principal grabs David. Mara tries to get her and David tells her to leave his mom alone. They turn back to Doc, but he resists as Mara's face gets weird and see-through... fifteen seconds left. She's making holes in the wall. She sees the bomb, but it's too late.

Explosion. Principal and David have made it out. Okay, what was that secondary explosion? Another convenient propane tank? Emotional synthesizer music as Principal and David drive away. Through and out of Midwich. "We'll go someplace where nobody knows who we are." That white hair and eyeliner/mascara situation is a serious contrast. He blinks. THE END.

Never forget.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Energy Drink Review: Warrior Fearless

This is me buying things at Jonzy's. WISCONSIN CABIN TIMES!     
 Photo by the younger, cuter Lauren.

I was in Wisconsin this past weekend doing cabin times with my eight closest improv friends (AKA Snack Time) and I am not quite recovered. Luckily, I was able to pick up a coupla random looking energy drinks at the local beer and candy and liquor and frozen pizzas but mostly booze store, Jonzy's. I was severely disappointed that the locally made Jonzy's brand liquors I'd been promised no longer exist. I punched my friend for ever saying that they did and then I stayed in his family's cabin all weekend.

This can of Warrior Energy has sweet-looking barbed wire and some other shit that looks like a tattoo some bro would have, so you know it's going to be good. WARRIORS! Full disclosure: I also bought a sugar-free Warrior Attitude that I used part of for a cocktail Saturday night, but this was around the time we were trying to play Quelf in the middle of the night and it was terrible and complicated and then I had a laughing fit/emotional breakdown that lasted like ten minutes when Mike Trost kept talking in this weird gnome voice, which was actually part of the game but I couldn't handle it. Anyway, so obvs it was not the time or place to do a review so here we go with this flavor.

I actually caught the can flying through the sky all wet like this.
"Whether you're an athlete pushing the limits, a student doing what students do, working for the weekend, or a weekend Warrior--prepare to battle the day with an energy boost from Warrior. Put on your armor; grab a Warrior Energy Drink and WIN WITH WARRIOR!"
I am ready to win this workday. I just opened the can and the drink is blue. This bodes well. Tragically it seems the part of the website that offers "Warrior Gear" is not working. I really wanted some barbed wire-decorated bro tank tops. This drink appears to mostly be available in the upper Midwest and also Kansas and Missouri.

FLAVOR: Kind of a fruity blue raspberry thing. Maybe? Or maybe I was swayed by the color. Yeah, okay. It just tastes like a generic energy drink. Sweet and chemical-y. This can's flavor is identified only as "Fearless" and has blue writing on it. Apparently the other flavor is "Attitude" and has red writing. So, I don't really know what that means. This beverage contains a "proprietary energy blend," which pretty much just means it's homemade liquor made of fermented anti-freeze and leaves.

EFFECTIVENESS: Halfway through the can. It's working decently well. My legs are bouncier than they were before and I'm definitely feeling more alert. Okay, I finished it. I feel so fearless. Or at least awake.

OVERALL: This is a perfectly adequate energy drink! If you can find it in rural Wisconsin or in South Dakota or whatever, you might as well drink it.

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

"Consequence-free sex" doesn't exist, is bad argumenting anyway

In light of the recent SCOTUS decision involving Ye Olde Hobby Lobby and private corporations' rights to impose their owners' beliefs upon their employees, I've been hearing a lot about how sluts just want their bosses to pay for them to have "consequence-free" sex. I'm sorry, what? Ain't no such thing. Yes, people who can get pregnant are particularly concerned about being able to have control over that particular consequence of heterosexual intercourse, but, like, you're making two terrible logical leaps by using this rhetoric.

1. "Consequence" is a generally pejorative term used to indicate a deserving punishment for someone who has done wrong. This only makes sense in this context if you believe sex is inherently wrong (at least for women). Jessica Valenti covers this effectively here. DON'T THINK I DON'T GET IT, CONSERVATIVES, I DO. Remember how I used to be Mormon? As a somewhat politically moderate (but still completely cut off from my own sexuality) religious teenager, I believed--somewhat confusedly--that while we certainly had no right to bar a particularly woman from getting an abortion, that pregnancy was a literal consequence/punishment for having sex. Having in the intervening years thought this idea through to its logical conclusion/also had sex/also seriously considered parenthood, I now believe and think that 10/10 non-assholes would agree that no child should be a "punishment." It's not a great start in life for an innocent baby to be born as "Oops Shit Fuck" or "Shoulda Worn a Condom" or "WTF You Said You Were on the Pill" or "Now My Life Is Over" just because its parents rubbed their junk on/in each other's junk.

Additionally, these conservative attacks on contraception are part of a larger anti-woman/anti-reproductive justice campaign and upon, of course, health care reform. SCOTUS has argued that because a "closely-held" corporation like Hobby Lobby's owners are super-Christian/Pro-Life/shut up and go away, it's cool that they've decided they don't want to pay for actual comprehensive health care for their employees. The decision actually acknowledges that Hobby Lobby's purported belief that contraception like hormonal birth control, IUDs, and the morning-after pill are abortifacents is COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT AND NOT TRUE AT ALL, but the court thinks it's cool if they use this deliberate misinformation to screw over their workers because of saving babies or some shit. Hobby Lobby, do you really want every single one of your female workers (which I'm guessing is a large portion of your part-time, minimum-wage-earning retail staff) to risk pregnancy every single time they have sex (even/especially the appropriately Jesus-ly married ones who may even already have a bunch of kids or have an abusive spouse they are trying to escape from and a baby will tie them together FOREVER)? Do you provide paid parental leave and subsidies for and/or on-site child care? NO? Then fuck you. Oh, you're cool with covering vasectomies because it's fine for dudes to decide they don't want to have any or more kids? QUADRUPLE FUCK YOU. Misogynist fucking pseudo-religious corporate welfare bullshit nonsense.

It's a consequence!
2. No human actions are "consequence-free." When reasonable people, especially lady feminists that I follow online, responded negatively to the court's decision in Hobby Lobby's favor, douchebags call them irresponsible sluts who should shut their legs and stop whining about wanting to have "consequence-free" sex. First of all, who are these dudes fucking? Probably mostly straight ladies who they probably mostly don't want to ALWAYS get pregnant.  But let's ignore the sexual double standard for a second and talk about "consequence-free." Sex is not consequence-free, whether or not you're using contraception. Neither is eating or waking up in the morning or wearing or not wearing your seat belt or telling your spouse that you love them or having another beer or putting on those sexy green pants today or not calling your mom often enough. They may be tiny, even imperceptible consequences, but each decision puts into motion a series of events.

So let's talk sex consequences. Let's assume you are having some PIV sexy times and you are protected against both pregnancy and STIs. What are some other possible consequences?
  • You enjoy yourself.
  • You're a little sore the next day.
  • You feel a strong desire to wash your sheets.
  • You figure out you're not really into that one position or act or whatever.
  • You mentally chastise yourself for bringing home some law school douche against your friend's advice who gets whiskey dick and has the audacity to a) ask for a non-reciprocated blow job, b) stay all night despite nobody finishing or particularly enjoying themselves, and c) request your phone number in the morning even though you're about to catch an international flight and then will be moving states in like two weeks. POR EJEMPLO.
  • You stay up too late.
  • You realize you really, really like the person you're boning.
  • Your ex finds out and gets jealous and acts like a baby on social media.
  • Your roommates judge you for being promiscuous.
  • You want to do it again.
  • You are really hungover, which is not really the sex's fault, but maybe you wouldn't have done it without all the shots in the first place.
  • You experience a mind-blowing orgasm that takes you to a higher spiritual plane.
  • The person you're fucking starts to get a little too attached and you have to let 'em down easy.
  • You decide it's okay to not fuck anybody else for a while.
  • You get a pretty good story out of it.
CONSEQUENCES. Everything has consequences. Science makes it possible to avoid some of the most inconvenient/possibly health- or life-threatening consequences. Like pregnancy, childbirth, and dreaded venereal diseases.Yea, science and medicine! It treats kids' cancer, too, so you can't say it's all bad.

People are going to Do It. They're Doing It right now. Even if you think women (esp. UNMARRIED ones) should be punished for Doing It, you probably Do It, too. Everything in life has consequences. Nobody's asking to eliminate consequences. That's not how the universe works. But if you think that sexually active people (women) deserve to have to undergo the discomfort and danger of pregnancy and childbirth and THEN raise unwanted children from banging once instead of just maybe learning an awkward lesson about who they shouldn't go home with or an awesome lesson about who they should be with FOREVER AND EVER, I don't even fucking know what to say. You are a killjoy, probably a hypocrite, and almost certainly a dude. FUCK YOU BUT NOT LITERALLY BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET MY EARNED INSURANCE* COVER BIRTH CONTROL AND I WILL NOT BE HAVING YOUR ASSHOLE, JR. BABIES THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

*Haha, employer-subsidized health insurance! Cute. Temps and adjuncts don't get that. We pay out of pocket for our coverage, but my Nuva Ring costs $0 a month, so there. THANKS FOR THE SLUT PARTY, OBAMA!

Monday, June 23, 2014


I got a little carried away with some Upworthy/Buzzfeed-style headline jokes on Twitter last week and decided to just fucking make a Tumblr: Charles F. Upworthington III. Go look at it to experience fabulous content like this:

Horror Comedy Classics: Ghostbusters


As a true child of the '80s, of course I have seen 1984's Ghostbusters numerous times. I used to watch the cartoon TV show and had a serious pre-K crush on the nerdy, skinny, bespectacled one (shock, shock). I haven't seen the movies all the way through since probably the early '90s, however, so now that I'm reviewing ghosty classics, it's time to revisit. Properly. With booze. I vaguely remember it being awesome. I hope not to be disappointed in this endeavor.

Here is a stone lion outside the New York Public Library. Old Lady Librarian is going to reshelve the fuck out some shit in the creepy basement stacks. Books are floating around, rearranging themselves. GHOST, DO YOU PROPERLY KNOW THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS SYSTEM, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THAT IS FUCKED UP AND NOBODY WILL FIND THOSE BOOKS. Cards start flying out of the physical card catalogs and the librarian finally notices something's going on, screams, and starts to run. God, I love libraries and ghosts. That's probably why the one time I wrote (most of) a screenplay, there was a quasi-ghost-in-a-library plot point. Bright light, screaming. Now the Ray Parker, Jr. song. I hope Ray Parker, Sr. was proud of his son's claim to fame: one mediocre-but-catchy-and-iconic song on a movie soundtrack.

Inside the Psychology Department building on a campus somewhere,we see a door labeled Paranormal Studies Lab. Three names: Dr. Egon Spengler (my cartoon crush), Dr. Ray Stantz, and Dr. Peter Venkman in addition to some graffiti that says "VENKMAN BURN IN HELL." We hear Bill Murray. He's doing some kind of ESP testing with a guy with big hair. He shocks the guy for guessing the symbol on the card wrong. He tells the other participant, a hot chick, that she's right about what's on the card when she's not right. He does it again. What a sleaze. Bill Murray shocked him even when he got it right! The dude gets mad about the shocks and argues with Bill about the worth of the $5 he was earning by volunteering for this study. I worked in a psych lab one summer, and we paid participants $10 to do some experiment listening to words and shit. There was probably more to it than that, but the part of the job I liked was transcribing women talking to their babies and getting to use phonetic transcription AKA my bachelor's degree.

Full disclosure: a good friend of mine is in a book club with this name and has a CROSS-STITCHED BOOKMARK that says this on it. I am so jealous.
Bill Murray (Venkman), is sleazing it up with the lady. Dan Aykroyd comes in, excited about something. Oh, the '80s. This is Ray. Ray is concerned about the library ghost incident. There's something real happening here. Venkman sets up an 8:00 date to "keep working with" the hot chick who's not psychic at all. Venkman comes along with Ray to the library. Egon is there, big-nosed and glasses-ing and using a stethoscope on something. Peter Venkman is asking the librarian if her family is schizophrenic. He asks if she's menstruating. SEXIST. He's clearly the group skeptic. They find a huge tower of carefully-stacked books downstairs. They're all so young. They find some gross goo dripping off the card catalog drawers. ECTOPLASM! Peter tries to flick it off his fingers like Mulder trying to be cool. A bookshelf almost falls on the dudes. They react very little. Egon's got some kind of sensor that continues to perk up as they move through the stacks. They see a lady ghost floating. Peter is unimpressed. She's reading a book. Ray wants to make contact. They nominate Peter while the other two shoot film. The lady ghost shushes him. They slowly approach her and she gets all mad and flame-y and they scream and run away.

Peter is skeptical about the worthiness of their ghost-catching/research attempts. Back in the lab, the dean is moving all their shit off-campus. The Board of Regents is OVER IT. No more funding, not real science, blahblahblah. Ray is sad, but Peter's like, let's just open a business. They go and get some money, apparently they've taken out a third mortgage on Ray's house. Professional paranormal investigations! They find a crappy old firehouse building for their office and living conditions. Egon calls it a DMZ, but Ray is pumped about the fireman's pole.

Sigourney Weaver, having had a few years to recover from her horrible space abandonment, carries some groceries and an instrument case into her apartment. Rick Moranis is her neighbor and is wearing an awesome velour sweatsuit. He's an accountant and wants Sigourney to come to his party. Apparently her "TV" was too loud while she was gone. Sigournz sees the dudes' Ghostbusters' "supernatural elimination" commercial, seems amused, but turns off the TV. She's bought some Stay-Puft Marshmallows FORESHADOWING. The ghost starts cracking her carton of eggs/kind of cooking them on the counter. RUDE. There's a growling coming from her fridge. A bright light, a demon and some kind of paranormal gateway is open in there. She screams and shuts the door. Gotta clean that shit out every once in a while, bro.

Ghostbusters headquarters is getting set up. Ray's found them an old ambulance. JANINE!!! Annie Potts is cranky and awesome at the front desk. Look at those old computers! Egon claims "print is dead." Janine is interested in Egon. He collects mold for a hobby, obvs. Sigourney Weaver shows up to sample their ghostbusting wares (AKA BILL MURRAY'S DICK). Peter jumps over some shit to greet her. The team interviews her and their instruments tell them she's not lying. Ghostbusters drink Budweiser and eat Cheez-Its during meetings.

Peter volunteers to "check out" her apartment, which she hasn't been back to since the fridgecident. He's carrying in some kind of antennae hooked up to a cassette player or something, it looks like. THE 1980S. She tells him he's more like a game show host than a scientist because of all the sleazing he's doing up in here. Peter opens the fridge, and there's just regular food and shit in there, which he criticizes. There was a voice that said "Zul" before. He's not getting any readings from his "equipment." He tells her he's madly in love with her. She rejects him because of his sleazy mcsleazyness. Moranis sees him in the building's hallway and looks awkward.

The GB boys eat dinner in the firehouse. Janine gets a real call and gets excited. She sounds the alarm and they suit up and head out in the newly painted Ghostbusters ambulance. The job is at the Sedgewick Hotel. They come in with their jumpsuits and equipment. The concierge is very nervous. The twelfth floor has had some increased paranormal activity recently. A guest asks if they're cosmonauts (COLD WAR!), but Peter says they're exterminators. Isn't there a black guy? Where is the black guy team member? Their machines are untested, but they're on it anyway. Gonna try to catch those ghosts. They shoot their lasers at a poor housekeeping lady. Because this is a ghost movie, they decide to split up. Ray is just smoking in the hallway because the '80s. He comes upon a green floating ghost (SLIMER!) gorging himself on a room service cart. That's some shitty animation. Ray tries to shoot and capture him, but misses. Next, Peter sees Slimer. Slimer slimes Peter, Ray's excited about the samples, and Egon calls them to investigate a ballroom in the hotel. They encounter Slimer hovering around a chandelier, which they quickly destroy with their lasers. Egon says they're not supposed to cross their gun stream thingies.

The Buster boys attempt to shoot and catch Slimer a bunch, destroying shit around the ballroom. The concierge is nervous about the clear destruction he hears happening inside. Bill Murray pulls out a tablecloth from under a table setting. Two of them shoot and contain Slimer in the trap thingy on the floor. They've caused a pretty big mess, but they get $5000 for this case anyway. On the news, we hear about all sorts of ghost reports for the GBs. Montage of them responding to emergencies. Larry King cameo! Look at his hair color! Media frenzies, lots of ghost-catching. Casey Kasem is reporting on them. TOO SOON, GHOSTBUSTERS.* Sigourney pays attention to all the media reports. Ray has a sexy ghost dream at some point. Oh, is this a succubus situation?

Oh, look! It's the black guy. He tells Janine he'll believe anything if there's a steady paycheck. His name is Winston. They hire him with no ceremony and immediately ask him to take care of their trapped ghosts. Peter shows up outside the orchestra building or whatever to hit on whatshername. Some fellow musician with nasal spray looks on their conversation disapprovingly. Peter says Zul was a god worshiped by Hittites. She calls her fridge an icebox. He goads her into a date/meeting Thursday night. She tells the music dude that Peter's "just a friend." Back at the firehouse, Ray shows Winston how to load ghosts into the storage system. Peter's a dick to Janine. A guy from the EPA comes in and gets all slimy. The EPA guy is worried about noxious waste or some shit. Peter is a dick to him, too. There are concerns about the electrical grid supporting the ghost storage unit or something. Something about a Twinkie.

Very concerned about the building's pet policy right now.
Lightning. Gargoyles. A real demon bursts out of a stone one. Sigourney (Dana), tries to sneak past Louis' party. He says it's okay if she brings her date. He promises Twister. God, landlines are so loud. She tells her mom about her date with Peter. The door to the kitchen starts glowing. Demon arms come up out of her chair and propel her into the bright abyss/her kitchen. Louis' party is heating up with various clients wearing giant glasses. There's a demon in Louis' closet. It busts out (terrible '80s animation) and chases Louis to the elevator. The poorly animated demon chases him into a fancy party in the park. "There's not supposed to be any pets in the building!" He can't get into the fancy glass gazebo. The people in the party can't see the demon, but it seems to have gotten our friend Louis.

The police outside the building don't stop Peter from getting in. He sees Louis' apartment has been destroyed. Peter knocks on Dana's door. She answers it, clearly possessed (in a sexy way). She asks if he's the "key master." The second time she asks, he says yes. Inside her apartment, she says she's Zuul and there's slime everywhere. They have to prepare for the coming of "Gozer, the Destructor." She writhes on the bed and says, "Take me now, sub-creature." He doesn't want to fuck a possessed lady. He tells Zuul he wants to talk to Dana. I love how deadpan and unperturbed he is by everything. Classic B.Murrz. Zuul levitates her body after he demands to speak to Dana. Louis runs through the park, muttering about key masters and destroyers. He says he's "Vince" the key master, apparently. All the prisoners are going to be released (I'm guessing these are the ghosts in storage).

The cops come by GB HQ with Louis, whom they apparently picked up in the park.. Egon's sensors go crazy. Janine likes Egon so much. Louis has on a straight jacket and is clearly possessed. Some computer program shows he's a gargoyle dude. Coffee? YES, HAVE SOME.** He's waiting for a sign. Janine claims she "usually very psychic" and is worried something bad is going to happen and hugs him.
Fucking environmental "protection"
Peter calls HQ to tell them Dana's the gatekeeper. Egon doesn't think they should get her and Louis together. Peter's sedated Dana, but we all know that won't last. Ray and Winston drive around in the ambulance, both smoking. Winston says he likes "Jesus' style." WORD. They start talking about Revelation. It's morning now, and amazing '80s music plays. They EPA guy shows up with some cops. He is wearing a nice three-piece suit. Janine is like, "WTF?" Egon tells the EPA not to shut things off, but they're going to, and create DISASTER. "My friend, don't be a jerk," Peter says to some utilities lackey. Louis/Vince menaces nearby. Dana pants in her bed. An alarm sounds as the containment unit gets shut off. Lights burst after them all as they run out of the building. Also, smoke. It busts out of the roof, too. Explosions, a column of fire. All the ghosties flying out. Louis says this is the sign he's been waiting for. They've lost Louis in the chaos. EPA wants them arrested. Ghosts spread all over the city. Dana/Zuul is awakened. I like this zombie cab driver!

Slimer eats all the hot dogs from a street vendor's stand. Sigourney Weaver's eye makeup keeps getting more dramatic as the wind machine and off-the-shoulder-ness of he dress amps up, too. In jail, Egon and Ray talk about Dana's building, which is some kind of spiritual superconductor. Dana lives in "the corner penthouse of spook central." The building's architect was apparently some creepy fake surgeon who worshiped Gozer. This guy used to hold rituals to bring about the end of the world. Peter starts to sing. Winston is the only one being practical about their legal situation, probs because he is black.*** Carl Winslow lets them out of jail. Dana's sprawled out on the rubble of her apartment. She's the gatekeeper. Louis, the key master. They meet and start to make out. It's real windy up there. Now they are heading up some stairway that's just appeared. The mayor has apparently bailed out the GBs. He's concerned about the city's meltdown. EPA claims they're a menace. Even the cops are freaked out.

The local cardinal shows up and the mayor kisses his ring. Gross. The Church won't "take a position." The dudes warn the mayor that some Old Testament shit is about to happen. The mayor is convinced, kicks out the EPA, and gives the Ghostbusters his full support. Dark clouds spread out from Dana's building. People pray in the streets. An awesome '80s song about "saving the day." Peter loves the crowds cheering for the team as they head into Dana's building with all their gear. It's all dark cloudy and lightning-y up there. The ground opens up in the street in front of the building and pieces of the building break off. The smoke clears, and the Ghostbusters are okay and head into the building to applause. I'm guessing the elevator is out as they hike up many, many flights of stairs. Zuul and Vince have apparently done it on the stone altar on the roof. You know, like you do. The GBs finally make it to the 22nd floor. Obviously, Dana's not in her apartment and it's all burnt up and destroyed. They find the mystical stairs and go up them.

The key/gate people get struck by purple lightning on the roof as the GBs arrive. There's a column of light of some kind. Dana/Zuul is getting repeatedly struck by lightning and turns into a gargoyle thing like from before. So does Louis. The gargoyles scamper up a newly opened passageway to a pyramid thing with smoke and it's peach and there's a light and dry ice and shit. Gozer, now representing as a sexy lady, pets the gargoyles. Peter encourages Ray to "go get her." Gozer asks if Ray is a god and zaps the dudes. They nearly fall off the roof, much to the horror of the spectators below. "When someone asks if you're a god, you say yes," says Winston. Sage advice. Now Peter's pissed. They pull out their guns and try to shoot her simultaneously. She jumps out of the way before they can get their shit together. They re-aim and she disappears. They think for a minute that they got her, but all signs point to no, not so much.

Let's have fun.
 A creepy voice says they get to choose the destructor. Peter yells not to think about anything in particular. Uh-oh, Ray has accidentally chosen the form of their destruction with his imagination. IT'S A GIANT STAY-PUFT MARSHAMALLOW MAN, marching through New York City. What a lovable smile, though, really! Ray was trying to think of something harmless. They used to roast marshmallows at camp. They're going to have to roast him with their equipment. Peter, "Mother piss bucket." "Nobody steps on a church in my town!" They count to three and try to roast him. He sets on fire a bit and it spreads to the building. They hide to figure out a new plan. Peter says the marshmallow dude's a sailor, so they just need to get him laid. Egon says they can reverse the doorway if they cross the streams. They might survive. BTWS, cynical, sardonic, sleazy Bill Murray is far more of a national treasure than, like, the Constitution or Yellowstone National Park or any of that shit.****

They line up at the weird gateway and spray their laser pee streams across each other's. An explosion occurs. The top of the building's all jacked up. Marshmallow debris covers everything. Take that, EPA guy!

The storm clouds disappear, and all is quiet. They're foamy, but all the guys are okay. They assume Dana's dead, but she starts to emerge from the petrified gargoyle corpse. Louis is fine, too. The GBs are triumphant. Peter awkwardly kisses Dana in front of a roaring crowd. They're all marshmallowy. Janine is relieved Egon's okay. I ain't 'fraid of no ghost. Aykroyd is smoking again. Several priests are blessing some rubble. The guys get in their ambulance and move past the crowds of onlookers and the media and military. There are Ghostbuster t-shirts now. Sweet. "Bustin' makes me feel good!" Oh, here comes Slimer! Didn't catch him! The end.

*I originally blogged this when he was "missing" or whatever. R.I.P., Casey. I'll never forget you on Saved by the Bell.

**In high school, my brother and I knew some dudes in our hometown of Vancouver, WA with a ska band called "Yes Have Some" after this quote. I believe the tape (THE '90S) had this exchange from the movie at the beginning.

***Not because he does more crimes, duh, but because he would have the experience of being disproportionately targeted for criminal activity and is perhaps statistically more likely to have direct experience with the criminal "justice" system. USA! USA!

****I was going to poorly photoshop Bill Murray's face onto Mt. Rushmore, but now I am too lazy. Just imagine that I did it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar Sparking Energy Peach

At the campus miscellaneous bad-for-you snacks store at my new temp job, I saw the bright orange glow of an unfamiliar energy drink can. Apparently Rockstar is doing a "sparkling" beverage that claims to be "Light, refreshing, and fully loaded!" The caffeine is NATURAL from green coffee beans. I don't really like peach and I definitely don't like the flavor of coffee, so this could be incredibly disgusting. I also dropped the can on the pavement the other day, so it could both explode and be gross. I will open it over the garbage can. Okay, I guess "sparkling" means not that bubbly, so I am safe from a entire day of sticky peach-smelling disaster.

FLAVOR: Actually pretty good. Like I said, I'm not in love with peach as a flavor, but this is rather light, like one of those sparkling flavored waters. No trace of coffee taste, GOOD JOB WITH THAT CAFFEINE BUT NOT FLAVOR EXTRACTION, ROCKSTAR COMPANY. Over halfway through, I thought the peach flavor would be sickly sweet and I'd get sick of it, but it's really not bad at all.

EFFECTIVENESS: I am tired as fuck what with having to be somewhere at 9:00 a.m. four whole days a week but still getting sucked into Investigation Discovery's entire late-night lineup and staying up until 2:00 a.m. to hear the various and sundry crimes committed by a hoarder family in West Virginia with so many beards and cockroaches on a 2013 episode of Evil Kin. Maybe. Sometimes. Last night. About 40% of the way through the can and it's definitely doing something. I'm finding this is working pretty well. I slowed down because I was getting a bit of a headache, but I am definitely more alert at the end of the drink.

OVERALL: Recommended. Not bad.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Elbridge Gerry: Salamanderian Vice President

What are you gonna do about it, motherfucker?
At long last, it's time for another vice presidential post, friends! I picked this guy because he has a funny-looking name. Elbridge Thomas Gerry (pronounced like "Gary") was born in Massachusetts in 1744 to a family of merchants. If you were like, "WTF kind of name is Elbridge?" I will tell you! It's one of his maternal ancestors' last names or whatever. Elbie was the third of eleven children in the Gerry family, only five of whom survived to adulthood because old-timey times. He studied with tutors from a young age and went to Harvard at 14, where he would eventually earn bachelor's and a master's degree in somethingorather. In the 1760s, Gerry joined his father's business and made some $$. Or at least my notes just say "$$" right there, so I'm going to assume that's what that was supposed to mean. Elbridge's dad was involved in the local militia and politics. Presumably those contacts were useful to Elbridge as he took an interest in politics himself. He was against Parliament taxing the colonies and was in correspondence with Samuel and John Adams about such issues.

The 'Bridge got himself elected to some kind of provincial legislature, worked with his pal Sam Adams, something something a committee of correspondence and a riot over smallpox inoculations. He did some other shit, but refused a seat at the First Continental Congress because his father had recently died and he needed to stick close to home. Back in the provincial assembly, Gerry used his foreign business contacts to support the new Continental Army. He did attend the Second Continental Congress, supported the passage of the Declaration of Independence, and was one of its signatories. Good job, Elbridge Gerry, that is an important document! He didn't want too much power centralized in the federal government, got in a bit of a snit about it, and resigned from the congress over it. He came back to the epically useless Confederation Congress in 1783, though. He couldn't quit you, fledgling United States government!

In 1786, Gerry married Ann Thompson, the (much-younger) daughter of a merchant. James Monroe was his best man. They had ten kids in fourteen years, to which my mother would (awkwardly) say, "You guys need to get cable." All that old timey child-bearin' pretty much destroyed Ann's health. Nice job, Elbbzz. But enough about his dick. Gerry made money during the Revolutionary War, after which he sold his business(es?) and invested in land, including Elmwood Estate, which would become the family compound or something. In 1787, Gerry served as a representative to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia. He was against the 3/5 Compromise and the popular election of Senators. Mixed bag on that one. He actually spoke out against ratification because he believe the Constitution needed to list citizens' personal liberties and refused to sign the document. At some point during state ratification proceedings, Gerry got into a shouting match with another representative and got thrown out. Pretty badass.

"SRSLY, you're not going to include a bill of rights?"
With fellow dissenters George Mason and Edmund Randolph at the National Constitution Center.** Source.
Gerry was nominated as an Anti-Federalist candidate for Governor of Massachusetts in 1788, but was defeated by one big-signatured fellow by the name of John Hancock. Gerry did, however, get nominated and actually served two terms in the very first sessions of the U.S. House of Representatives. From the House, he helped shape the Bill of Rights. He was big on the Second Amendment, the militia-having part, because he was nervous about standing armies. He may or may not have* accused such an institution as being dangerously similar to a "standing member," which shows you that the right to bear arms has always been about penises. Gerry was a supporter of Alexander Hamilton, who, as we know, is on the ten (What have you done?).

In 1792, Gerry decided to take a break from politics to go home to Massachusetts and take care of his approximately 134 children and ailing wife. He did serve as a presidential elector for his old colleague John Adams in 1796 and stayed strategically friendly with both Adams and Jefferson. In 1797, Adams sent Gerry to France as part of a diplomatic mission to Talleyrand. THIS TRIP DID NOT GO WELL (See: XYZ Affair). Gerry was temporarily tarnished by the whole debacle. In 1800, Gerry officially joined the Democratic-Republican Party, but he couldn't get elected to governor of Massachusetts (again) and went back into semi-retirement since by now his brother had somehow managed to fuck up the whole family's finances.

If anything, that's like, a dragon or some shit.
Gerry was finally elected the state's governor in 1810, despite claims that he was a "French partizan." Things got dicey in 1812 when the Republican-controlled state legislature redrew districts to benefit its own party. Detractors (who are bad at animals) claimed the boundaries of one district were so nonsensical and partisan, that it resembled a salamander, attributed the scandal to the leader of the state's party, and the word "Gerrymander" was born. Over time the voiced velar stop (/g/) of Gerry's last name shifted to a voiced alveo-palatal affricate (/dʒ/) in the portmanteau's pronunciation. That's some Parks & Rec shit. Also there was that whole "War of 1812" situation heating up, Governor Gerry tried to sue some Federalist newspapers for libel, and he lost reelection in 1812, though his compatriots in the legislature gained from their own line-drawing and recaptured majorities.

At this time, because of his shattered finances, Gerry asked President James Madison for a federal position to help support his family. He was chosen as Madison's running mate for the 1812 election, though he really was second choice. Gerry was considered a safe choice for vice president because he would appeal to Northern voters and would not threaten Monroe's position as Madison's heir apparent. Of course, Madison and Gerry were elected, and Elbridge spent his short term in office worrying about Federalist newspapers and pulling partisan moves during the War of 1812. Unfortunately, while working at the Capitol one day in 1814, Gerry suddenly fell ill and died that night. His sickly wife outlived him. He had paid off his brother's debts with his VP salary, so he was only able to leave his family the land they owned. Gerry was interred in Washington, D.C. and is the only signer of the Declaration to be buried in the District. One of his sons and a grandson would ultimately serve in Congress, but Gerry's greatest legacy is being the eponym for a shady election tactic.

*Too lazy to verify if this quote is real.
**Guys, Aimee Mann and Ted Leo (The Both) tell a great story about when they played Aimee's "Save Me" for some awards ceremony for Hillary Clinton at the National Constitution Center WHICH IS WHERE THESE STATUES ARE FROM. Why aren't you listening to The Both by The Both right now on repeat like I have been for a couple of weeks? We saw them last weekend here in Minneapolis and I'm not saying that I want to join them in a non-platonic musical/comedy trio or anything, but I'm not not saying that, either.

Energy Drink Review: Kirkland Signature Energy Shot

Only the finest.
I'm not that into the energy shots, you guys. I've tried a few and they always make me feel kind of funny, and not like in a good way. One of the reasons I like the 16-ounce "two serving" energy drinks is because of how I can take my time with the caffeine consumption and drink faster or slower depending on what I need or how I'm feeling. A shot is, you know, the opposite of that. BUT a friend of mine generously donated a couple of Costco-generic brand energy shots to my humble caffeine research blog and my stomach is kind of annoyed with me right now, so I figure if I need caffeine, less content and carbonated chemicals is probably the way to go.

The 2-ounce shot contains 180 mg of caffeine, which sounds pretty good to me. The tiny bottle also states that it is "For individuals with normal caffeine tolerance." HAHA. I had three Diet Cokes and a Monster yesterday over the course of a 9.5 hour work day and still immediately went to sleep for three hours when I got home. I would not call my tolerance "normal." BUT WE WILL SEE HOW THIS MAKES ME FEEL.

FLAVOR: It does not taste that good. It's reddish and tastes vaguely fruity/candy-ish, but not in a very good way. If the mouth of the bottle were wide enough to actually take one-gulp shot, it would be helpful.

EFFECTIVENESS: I took it in a succession of gulps over about two minutes. AND SO IT BEGINS... About ten minutes later, I've got some extra leg shaking happening. Kirkland claims their drinks won't make you jittery or crash, but if I'm not jittery, it's useless to me. I'm feeling a little more alert. My fingers want me to type super-fast, but my thoughts haven't caught up yet. I've gotten headache-y and dehydrated from energy shots before, so I'm hoping with my constant water consumption at the desk, I'll be able to avoid this nasty side effect. About ten more minutes, and my head feels a bit swimmy, but not sleepy anymore. No longer fidgeting as much.

It's been about 40 minutes since I drank that shit, and thought I'm not sleepy, my head feels a little bit achy and I don't love it. I'm drinking a lot of water, but my head is still kind of hot. Why do people drink these? I don't understand. I felt energized for like 15 minutes and then just kind of weird but I guess also awake?

OVERALL: Not really recommended but do what you want, you're a grown-up.