Friday, August 22, 2014

Horror "Classics": Child's Play

Another foundational horror film I've never seen: 1988's Child's Play. Let's get this shit going.


Dude being chased down an alley. "I've got the strangler!" somebody yells (into a radio?). A police car, a shootout. The suspect has long, luscious locks and gets shot in the leg. His friend in a sketchy van drives away and the cops follow it. Ray, the strangler, breaks into a toy store. (You may recognize this actor's creepy eyes from playing Wormtongue in Lord of the Rings.) Creepy redheaded "Good Guys" dolls are for sale. SweaterCop follows him in and shoots around some corners. Ray is bleeding since he's been shot again. He knows he's dying and threatens the cop. He'll get him, "No matter what." Is this store really that big? "I've got to find somebody," he mutters before collapsing under a pile of Good Guys dolls. He looks the freckled plastic freak in the face and it is Love. Ray pulls the doll out of the box and recites some kind of Latin spell and lightning happens. It happens right through the skylight and throws SweaterCop across the room. He's okay, though, guys. But there's a fire now.


Wrapped up birthday presents. A little kid in Good Guys "overall" pajamas watches the Good Guys show and eats Good Guy cereal. He is apparently unsupervised. He spills everywhere and puts a ton of sugar on top of the already sugary fruity cereal. A creepy Good Guys-costumed dude on the TV talks about how they can have dolls now. A doll, "Oscar," creepily blinks and talks. This kid puts half a tub of margarine on some super-burnt toast and brings a tray into his sleeping mom. He tries to wake her up. It's the mom from Seventh Heaven. It's 6:30 and she doesn't want to get up. She's going to eat his breakfast "later." So much birthday excitement! Apparently he gets to open his presents first thing. The news talks about the dead strangler. The giant box isn't the Good Guy doll, it's some jeans. He's disappointed. He got a Good Guys tool set. He wants a doll, but she hasn't been able to save up for it yet.

All my best purchases have gone down in an alley.
Apparently the mom, Karen, works at an '80s jewelry counter. Her friend comes in and says some dude in the alley is selling a discount Good Guy doll from his shopping cart. Not sketchy at all. Karen's be-bowtied boss is annoyed she took an unscheduled break. He wants to make her work tonight, her son's birthday. She gets to go home for a bit. The kid opens his present and is so excited. He talks to the doll and his eyes move (the doll's) and he talks back. "Hi, I'm Chucky, and I'm your friend to the end." Karen's trashy friend is babysitting later as the kid "builds" things with Chucky. Chucky turns his head towards the news. "Hey, wanna play?" Chucky says. Chucky wants to watch the 9:00 news. Maggie is like, "Whatever" and puts them to bed. She drags Chucky by the arm. Uh-oh. As the kid brushes his teeth and Maggie puts dishes away, the TV turns itself on. Maggie finds Chucky watching the news about an escaped prisoner. She turns it off and drags Chucky away and blames the boy. She doesn't believe that he didn't put him there.


Under the covers, Chucky's head and eyes are giant and terrifying. The kid knew she'd be mad and kisses Chucky goodnight. Maggie's getting cold reading on the couch. She shuts a window. Someone (someTHING?) comes out of the bedroom and runs down the hall. "Andy?" IT'S NOT ANDY, LADY. Nice '80s perm, BTWs. She hears noises and gets up to investigate. She finds a chair in front of the front door. She checks the door and finds it unlocked, so she locks the deadbolt. The door moves suddenly and she screams. Walking slowly into the kitchen, she finds a container of flour spilled all over the floor. The rotary phone rings real loud. She's startled. It's Karen, checking in. Karen's hair looks a little greasy. Everybody's relieved. Maggie goes to sweep up the flour and hears something. She checks behind a planter. NOTHING. She turns around, relieved and gets hit in the face with a toy hammer. She subsequently falls out a closed window and down two floors on top of a car.


Karen gets off the bus to find police and ambulance and media in front of her building. She runs inside without being stopped somehow. Her apartment is full of detectives and cops. Nobody says anything as she yells for her son. This apartment is suspiciously large for a single mom who can't afford to buy a doll for her kid. Andy says Maggie's had an "accident." Detective Mike Norris from homicide tells her Maggie's dead. He's Prince Humperdinck from The Princess Bride. Tiny footprints in the flour by where she fell out the window. She's pissed Andy is being treated like a suspect since his pajama footie shoes match them. Andy realizes he and Chucky have the same shoes and Chucky's soles have flour on them. He runs to tell the detective, but she kind of forces him out. "A spirited lady," his sleazy partner says. The toy hammer is evidence, but I thought it was stuck in Maggie's face when she fell.


Karen hears Andy talking to Chucky. Her clothes are so awful and frumpy. She finds Andy sitting on the floor, talking to Chucky. She's got some serious boots. She asks what Chucky says. "Charles Lee Ray" is his real name and Dad has sent him down from heaven to play. Chucky says Maggie was a bitch who got what she deserved. Karen doesn't believe him and thinks Andy's saying it himself instead of just repeating what Chucky tells him. Karen insists Chucky's not alive. Andy says he'll stop "making up stories." He doesn't need to sleep in his mom's room because he's got Chucky to keep him company now. Andy tells Chucky he was right that she wouldn't believe him. "Hi, I like to be hugged." They snuggle up. Okay, I got real sleepy and uninspired and gave up and went to bed. Several days later, I'm ready to try to watch this movie again.


It's snowing and Andy carries gigantic Chucky into school with him. Maybe it's for Show and Tell. A few other kids are carrying Good Guys dolls. Andy and Chucky sneak out of school right after his mom leaves. They're on the El, obviously. Andy and Chucky get off in what I think is supposed to be a rough neighborhood. Lots of hobo barrel fires under a bridge. Andy's bringing Chucky to some dilapidated house. Andy goes to pee, but Chucky won't wait. He busts into the house, where a sketchy dude is sleeping with a gun. Lots of rats and garbage. "That's some Ratso shit, there," Isaac says.* Chucky comes in and turns on the gas in the oven. The gun dude hears something and goes to investigate with his gun drawn. The guy shoots towards the kitchen, but sees nothing. Andy goes towards the gunshots in the house because he's stupid, calling for Chucky in the yard. The dude shoots into the kitchen and the place explodes.


Karen shows up at the police station. Prince Humperdinck wants to talk to her. An investigator is talking to Andy, asking him why Aunt Maggie fell out the window. He says it was because she saw Chucky and got scared. Karen tells Andy to stop lying. She threatens that he'll be taken away. Andy starts beating up Chucky because he won't talk in front of the adults. Apparently Chucky said he'd kill Andy if he told anyone he was alive. A psychiatrist has apparently been observing and decides Andy has to be committed for a few days. Karen comes home alone with Chucky and she calls him a bastard. "I like to be hugged," he says. She laughs. Don't turn your back on him, lady. She examines the Good Guy box, picks it up, and a package of batteries fall out. OH NO, WHAT. She goes to check the doll, and sure enough, the battery thing is empty. He turns his head suddenly and looks at her. "Hi, I'm Chucky, wanna play?" She looks under the couch like that idiot in Trilogy of Terror. But less racist. There's the doll, just lying there. She pokes at him and nothing happens. He is the world's creepiest toy, for reals. She demands he talks. To make him, she starts a fire in the fireplace and threatens to throw him in. Suddenly: "You stupid bitch!" and he starts to fight her. His face is real evil and he bites the fuck out of her arm. She throws him across the living room, he runs out of the apartment and she watches him go down the weird cage elevator by himself. Her boots, OMG.


She races the elevator down the stairs and is LOSING. He's gone when she gets there and doesn't see where he's gone on the street. She impotently screams "No!" She takes a sweet old-timey looking taxi to the police station where she confronts Detective Humperdinck and tells him Chucky is really alive. He does not believe her. She shows him her bite, which is really nasty and bruised and is going to get infected. She says she's going to find the "peddler" she bought him from at work. He yells that that is not a good neighborhood to go to at night, but she goes anyway. She walks along past the hobos. None of them can help her find the dude she's looking for. So many good homeless beards. The people in the hobo camp stare at her. She finally finds the guy and asks where he got it. He wants something for the info. All she has is a dollar. "It's all I got." Then he's going to rape her. Detective Humperdinck shows up and punches him. The hobos scatter. The doll is from a toy store on Wabash. Humperdinck's upset and won't tell Karen why. But then he admits that Charles Lee Ray, the Lakeshore Strangler, died there. The blown up house guy was his partner. Humperdinck tells her not to go there because the store burnt down. Ray said he'd kill his partner and Humperdinck before he died. Karen knows it's Ray in the doll. She wants to know where he lived and also is afraid for Humperdinck because he's Next.


Humperdinck has gone back to the station for the Charles Lee Ray file. How much you wanna bet Chucky's in the backseat of his car? Knew it! He strangles the detective with jumper cables and says, "Goodnight, asshole." I don't understand how the car is still going. Just take your foot off the gas pedal! Humperdinck burns Chucky with  the car's cigarette lighter, melting part of his face. Chucky stabs at him from the back seat. Through the seat, from under the seat, at his junk. Stop the fucking car and get out! Chucky slams on the gas with doll hand. Blahblahblah, car accident. "Hi, Mikey!" Chucky yells, popping out with the knife again. Trapped in the overturned car, Humperdinck shoots as the doll as he circles the car. Chucky says he can't hurt him. He comes back for the knife and Humperdinck shoots him away.


NEXT MORNING! Karen, with her greasy-looking hair shows up at Ray's place. He's got weird murals and strange human limb-themed sculptures all over the place. Strange symbols and some kind of voodoo-looking priest guy. "Oh thank you might Damballa for life after death," says the painting, where Ray is kneeling before the priest. Humperdinck shows up and startles her. He doesn't tell her about his doll encounter, but has info on this witch doctor dude, who Chucky has gone to see. Their spell worked! The gunshot actually hurt him because he's becoming more human the more time he spends in that body. Chucky wants out. The priest, John, calls him an abomination. He goes to the phone on his altar. Chucky's made a John "mojo" and breaks its/his leg. Now he snaps the arm so he'll tell him how to transfer his soul. He has to transfer it into the body of the first person he revealed himself to: Andy. Chucky stabs the doll and John dies.


Karen and Humperdinck show up at the witch doctor's house. He's barely alive, "You  must save the boy." They have to kill Chucky before he does the chant and takes Andy's soul. They have to get him through the heart. This Andy kid is awfully cute. Through his barred window, he sees Chucky and calls for the doctor. He says Chucky's going to kill him. The doctor doesn't care. Andy is scared and cries and I feel really bad for him. Apparently these are just bars with no actual window panes in them in the Chicago winter. Chucky gets in, finds out Andy's room, and steals the keys. He's about to stab the figure curled up in the bed, but it's a pillow. Andy escapes, tries to lock Chucky in, but Chucky gets out the window. He ambushes Andy in an OR. Andy picks up a scalpel and backs away. The doctor finds him and takes away his weapon. He has great shaded glasses. He's trying to sedate Andy, but the kid fights him. Suddenly Chucky stabs the doctor in his leg, puts the EST helmet on his head and turns it on until his head gets singed and he starts bleeding from the mouth.

I'm getting some LDS priesthood blessing/baptism vibes here.
Humperdinck and Karen show up at the hospital/prison. Sketchy mustache partner thinks Andy attacked the doctor. Andy's run home and gotten the key from under the mat to let himself in. He moves a small bench and a sled in front of the door. Some old people see Chucky in the elevator and call him ugly. "Fuck you," he says. Andy's got the weirdest chair in his room. He hides in the closet. That's super-smart (It's not, it's not smart, but he's six.). Andy gets ready with a tiny baseball bat. Chucky breaks in through the chimney somehow and kicks down the fire grate like a terrifying fucked up Santa Claus. It's awesome.** Andy's out of the closet with the bat, ready to confront Chucky. I love that Chucky's knife has like pirate pictures on it but apparently is actually dangerous? Oh, it was a ritual knife he stole, Isaac explains. Chucky sneaks up on Andy and knocks him out with the bat. He starts chanting something about Santeria. Clouds gather above the building. Lightning, the whole bit. Karen and Humperdinck run up the stairs. The finally get in and Karen pulls off Chucky. He stabs Humperdinck in the leg. The detective leaves Karen one of his guns and goes after Chucky with the one from his sock holster.


Humperdinck looks under Karen's bed (for sex toys) and gets hit with the lil bat when  he's not looking. Karen shoots Chucky away, but the gun jams before she can shoot him again. He attacks her but she somehow manages to trap the doll in the fireplace with the grate. Andy is frozen until Karen yells at him to get the matches. Chucky: "Andy, no, we're friends to the end, remember?" Andy: "This IS the end." Chucky is on fire now. He runs around the living room, burning. YOU HAVE TO GET HIM THROUGH THE HEART, REMEMBER? He's burnt to a pretty good melty crisp and he's stopped moving or screaming. Humperdinck yells for them. He passes out once he knows they're okay. Karen sends Andy for the first aid kit. He sees that Chucky's gone. The remnants of the doll trip Andy in the hallway. His face is so disgustingly melty and he's about to stab Andy. He says Karen can live if she gives him the boy. Not really a practical deal. Chucky stabs through the bathroom door near her face several times. Very Shining-esque.


Chucky chases them out. She shoots him. Bullets have no effect, even when she blows his head off. He continues to approach. Through the heart, lady. Get close enough to aim at his heart and get him, you idiot. His mangled, burnt corpse writhes on the ground. She shoots his chest multiple times and he stops moving. Copstache shows up and doesn't know what's happening. He doesn't believe the doll was alive. Let me guess, Mustache is the next receptacle. He pokes at the skull and chuckles to himself. He carries it into the bedroom and smacks it a few times. The rest of Chucky's body busts out of a furnace grate and starts to strangle Mustache. They get him off and it's still moving. "Kill 'em!" yells Chucky's head. Karen directs Humperdinck to shoot Chucky in the heart. He seems to have finally actually done it. Blood splatters on the wall. Is his body flipping them off? "Hi, I'm Chucky, wanna plaaaayyyyy...." No one's going to believe them. Sirens. They help Humperdinck out and Andy stares at Chucky's body as Karen comes to get him and leads him away. THE END BUT NOT BECAUSE THEY MADE LIKE 90187 OF THESE MOVIES.

This was not a good movie. Just thought I'd make that clear. In case you were confused.


*We recently watched Midnight Cowboy. It was depressing as shit. But good.
**Internet, please make a gif of Chucky busting out of the fireplace like Murder Santa, PLZ.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Energy Drink Review: Monster Ripper (or IS IT?)

This is the can on my desk. It is very yellow.
Monster has a new juice flavor out. It is yellow! And called "Ripper"! It was inspired by some surfing Hawaiian shit or something who cares, let's just see how it is.

FLAVOR: Fruity. Not quite a fruit punch flavor, but like a nice cocktail of various juices. Not unlike a Khaos. I like it quite a bit.

EFFECTIVENESS: It is working.

VERDICT: It is pretty good! The can is a sprightly yellow! Drink that shit!

OKAY GUYS, REAL TALK: I thought the can copy seemed familiar, but I've been drinking a lot of energy drinks for a lot of years. TURNS OUT THIS IS JUST A REPACKAGED MONSTER M-80. RIP-OFF! I totally thought it was a new kind that just didn't taste that original. Probs because I've had this one before. Those Monster Energy bastards fooled me with the bright yellow can. The product's not even on their website. Whatever, it's still good and shit. Slightly less violent name, I guess?

According to Caffeine Informer, "Ripper- Someone who rips or shreds at surfing... Monster Ripper is just M-80 with a different name and slightly different formulation. 50% juice opposed to 80% juice in M-80, but with the flavor combination and other ingredients staying for the [sic] mostly the same." It's been sold mostly in Australia and New Zealand UNTIL NOW. Also, the new can has no easily accessible internet images, so I'm taking a picture with my non-smart phone for you guys. FOR YOU, YOU'RE WELCOME.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Horror Classics: Scream 2

Well, I did the first Scream, and this one's supposed to be pretty good, too, so I guess it's time: I present 1997's Scream 2.


Rialto Theatre, the premiere of the movie "Stab." Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett Smith are in line for the movie. Look, a tiny backpack! NINETIES. Jada says it's a "Dumb-ass white movie about some dumb-ass white girls getting their white asses cut the fuck up." FACTS. FAXTCSTSXC. I am a bit drunk already and have a half a mixed drink and an energy drink and half a crystal skull full of vodka ready for this. Everybody in the theater gets a "stab suit," the black hoodies with the white murder mask form the first Scream. The movie's based on Gale Weathers' book (Courteney Cox, the reporter from the first movie). Opening scene, Heather Graham plays Drew Barrymore, the first victim. She gets naked, about to shower. Epps is INTO IT. The phone rings and the killer shows up in the window. Jada has no patience for the victim. "Bitch, hang the phone up and star 69 his ass." TRUE FACT. Jada is scared but wants to hate the movie. She gets cash from Omar for snacks. She is tiny and not wearing a bra. Who leaves the theater, like 3 minutes into the movie?


Jada takes the world's largest Pepsi (a medium) into the theater. Omar jumps out and scares her in the mask. BOO. She doesn't like being scared, but he thinks scary movies make good foreplay. She concedes that they can stay at this movie and goes back in by herself while Heather Graham gets chased around the house in her robe onscreen. Omar goes to the bathroom, which is covered in weird Egyptian hieroglyphics. Two dudes in Scream costumes are peeing at the urinal. Omar goes into a stall and doesn't shut the door, which Isaac tells me is standard man bathroom practice, and listens in to what sounds like a couple doing it in the next one. His ear up against the stall divider, he gets stabbed in the side of the head. Yuck. Back in the theater, Jada watches Heather run around more. A dude in the Scream suit and Omar's jacket sits down next to her. She thinks it's him for a minute, but as Heather gets stabbed on screen, she finds blood all over her hands. He stabs her in the belly and she screams while Heather is killed onscreen, so nobody really hears or notices. So much fake murder simulations from the fans with their plastic glow-in-the-dark knives as Jada gets real stabbed in the aisle. She crawls up to the screen and screams, bleeding from the mouth, and collapses in front of the movie and dies. Meta-meta-meta.


SCREAM 2 title screen. '90s music. A college campus. Neve Campbell, who sleeps in some kind of long-ish sports bra apparently, answers the phone and somebody asks what her favorite scary movie is. She has caller ID. She gets rid of him. Her roommate asks if they need to change numbers again, but Neve says it'll die off after the movie's opening weekend. Liev Schrieber is talking about his innocence on TV. Neve's roommate wants her to go to a party with her. On the news: two students from their college were murdered during the movie's sneak preview. Neve/Sidney is understandably scared. The press harasses her outside her dorm. In a film class: OMG, prime-Buffy-era Sarah Michelle Gellar says that movies aren't responsible for people's actions and the idea that they are is "so Moral Majority." COOL TIMELY REFERENCE, BRO. The dude from the first movie who new knew all the horror movie rules is in this class where they argue with a professor wearing a denim shirt. Joshua Jackson is also in this class, because the Scream movies were apparently a WB teen series training ground. No wonder my late-'90s teen mags were full of this shit but I could never see them because I was a Mormon junior high student. The Movie Guy claims "sequels suck." This is a ridiculously raucous class convo.


Movie Geek Dude, Randy, gets pulled out of class by Sidney, and he uses a stupid Australian accent. She's scared about the movie theater murders, he's in denial. Jerry O'Connell shows up and is Sid's boyfriend, I think. I had such a crush on him during Sliders. They make out and Randy is jealous. Courteney Cox has streaky red-dyed hair and is pissed the movie might get pulled from theaters after the murders. She tells a black cameraman dude to keep up. The aunt from Roseanne is the reporter's fan. Remember "violence and the media" '90s paranoia shit with Tipper Gore? The sheriff claims this was an isolated incident. Sorority girls Portia De Rossi and Rebecca Gayheart are bitches. Sid doesn't want to go to their party. Sheriff Dewey shows up and Sid's pumped. He was worried about her and his mustache is still super-terrible. I cannot take him seriously. Ever. Sorry, Arquette. He's clearly into her and will coordinate with local cops to make sure she's safe. He limps because of some first movie injury I'm guessing, but I don't actually remember. O'Connell's khaki pleats are awesome.


Courteney/Gale confronts Sidney ON CAMERA with Liev, who is wearing a terrible double-breasted suit. He claims he forgives her for accusing him of murdering her family. Sid smacks Gale. Liev/Cotton is upset as he thought they'd had a prearranged interview. Gale runs into Dewey. Oh, Dewey's right arm is all messed up, too. That's some Bob Dole shit. Dewey gives her shit about her unflattering characterization of him in the book. Her hair is so bad here. She says sorry, but it's bullshit. He insults her hair "streaks." YES.


SORORITY PARTY. Sid wears a blue suede or crushed velvet coat. Portia (with real thick eyebrows) and Rebecca insincerely welcome them. In another sorority house, Buffy watches TV and switches lines between phone calls. She wears shiny brown boots on the couch and thinks "Ted" is calling, drunk. I guess the house would have a landline. She's tonight's sober sister, she can pick people up from the party if they need it. Nosferatu is on TV, the Count staring out the windows. "Do you want to die tonight?" the creepy caller asks. That escalated quickly. Buffy hears a noise upstairs. CORDLESS PHONES YES THE '90S. She runs out of the house and decides to call campus security. She steps back into the house because the phone is cutting out, she's too far from the phone base. Just run away. DUDE, JUST GO NEXT DOOR. Another girl surprises and scares her. Dark shadow walks by in the background and then a knife slices through a really thin curtain. He's on the phone again (don't ask me why she keeps answering) and she follows his instructions to turn on the alarm. Nosferatu, up the stairs as she looks around. The phone rings again. DON'T ANSWER LANDLINES IS THE HORROR-MOVIE RULE. This phone is stupid. Suddenly a dude in the Stab costume busts in and starts chasing her with a knife. There are a lot of stairs in this house. He throws her out a glass door onto a balcony and stabs her in the back. She screams and he throws her to the ground from the third floor.


AWESOME '90S MUSIC. Isaac thinks it might be Everclear. Back at the party, Randy brings them beverages. Portia and Rebecca are trying to recruit Sid and her roommate. Jerry O'Connell shows up looking cute. OMG, something's happening over at Omega Beta Zeta (Buffy's house). So many police. Cool! Police and media. Dewey tells Gale she'd "love it" if the murders were happening again. Joel, the camera guy, is nervous. Sid goes inside the party house for her jacket and the phone rings. She answers it for some godforsaken reason even though she doesn't live there. "Hello Sidney, remember me." UH-OH, she's being attacked! The guy in the costume stabs through the front door. She meets up with O'Connell outside and he goes into the house to get the stabber, for some reason. IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT. Dewey shows up AND GOES AFTER HIM. O'Connell's arm has been slashed up. Isaac thinks Portia and Rebecca are the killers. At the hospital. I love that all these "college students" look like they're in their late '20s. Real undergrads look like babies.

I don't care how hard you're rocking those pleats, O'Connell. This is the worst.
Perhaps O'Connell is the killer. The cops are skeptical. Fucking Dewey's mustache. David Arquette makes this "I am acting" face, so I can't really buy any character he plays. Apparently the local sheriff station just lets randos in. Gale and Dewey recognize patterns in the names of the previous victims. O'Connell is sad they're being followed by police escorts. Sid doesn't want him (more) hurt. He rejects her breakup, I think. Other press, including the Roseanne aunt, harass Gale. She suspects Dewey, Gale defends him. Roommate's boyfriend suspects Randy. O'Connell starts singing "I Think I Love You" real loud in the cafeteria. Some dude puts cash in his braided belt. THIS IS TERRIBLE AND I HATE IT. Should he really be drawing attention to her right now? An excessive amount of applause occurs. Gross and stupid. The cops are Not Pleased. O'Connell is giving Sid his Greek letters necklace and they make out in front of everyone. GROSS TERRIBLE I HATE EVERYTHING.


Tori Spelling is interviewed on TV. She's playing herself, Tori Spelling, the actress playing Sidney in Stab. Randy complains to Dewey about who is playing them in the movie. Luke Wilson is playing Skeet's character (the boyfriend killer or whatever). Randy explains the rules of a slasher sequel. Bigger, better, more murders, etc. Randy rules out O'Connell, says it's not himself or the other movie dude, Dewey neither, not Hallie the roommate. Randy suggests Gale. She's an opportunist. Randy gives Dewey shit about limping because he was LITRALLY back-stabbed and got a "severed nerve."


Joel is concerned about getting gutted like Gale's last cameraman. "Brothers don't last long in situations like this." FACT. She talks him into staying around, though. I hope he is paid well to hang out on this college campus where a murderer is on the loose and ambush trauma victims on camera. Sid, whispering like usual, wants to quit the play she's in. Her British professor/director gives her shit. She's playing Cassandra, which I think means she won't be believed and will die tragically. She's a theater major, ew.


A dress rehearsal involving masked robed dudes. Fake bricks fall from the set. Sidney in red and with a wind and smoke machines. She does a ridiculous monologue. "Fate's vengeful eye is fixed, on me." The masked figures slash at her and she freaks out, running everywhere. She thinks one of them is wearing a Stab mask. Rebecca and Portia are in this scene. Interesting. O'Connell is concerned. She just wants to be alone, though. She's beautiful, obvs, but with those pre-wrinkles, she is NOT 20 years old or whatever. I think she just broke up with him. I guess she was just 24 when this movie came out, but still, not an undergrad. Gale's red streaks have been filled in some. She and the cameraman and Randy and Dewey sit around talking about how it is. Randy answers Gale's phone and they know He's watching.  Randy says his favorite scary movie is Showgirls. They are trying to figure out if it's somebody on the quad and snatch every visible phone. '90S FLIP PHONES. Courteney Cox can't have ever eaten food to be that tiny.


Randy insults the killer, saying he's copycatting high school losers, one of whom was "homo-repressed." Randy gets pulled into the news van by a dude in costume. Some white dudes walking by with a boombox cover up the noise as he's stabbed to death. Could it be the cameraman? Nope! Cameraman shows up with Dunkin' Donuts. They find Randy in the van all dead and an abandoned mask. '90s library card catalog. SID HAS AN IM, BUT ISN'T LOGGED IN. The computer says, "You're going to die tonight. The police can't save you."


Liev shows up creepily. He says Diane Sawyer will give them a whole hour if they go on TV together. CREEPY CREEP CREEP. He's pissed she dragged his name through the mud and thinks she owes him something. He's very menacing on these stairs and grabs her arm. Finally the cops see and grab him. Liev/Cotton gets arrested. Dewey tries to comfort Sidney. Cotton yells about being "An Innocent Man." They  have to release him and Gale tells him not to do anything stupid. Her streaks are still real bad. He leaves Sidney his card. She's going to go grab some stuff from her dorm during a campus lock-in and will definitely not be attacked then. Roseanne aunt interrogates Gale and Gale does not like it. She calls her "local woman." Joel intelligently quits. Gale admits she actually feels bad. She convinces Dewey to help her look for the killer. They think he's probably in some crowd footage Joel captured.


When we're supposed to be sympathetic to Gale, I think those are the times her streaks are more subtle. Isaac now guesses the killer is Local Woman Reporter. While reviewing footage, Gale and Dewey start to get it on on the desk of a lecture hall, but then the tape does something weird. It's now showing the victims before their deaths. NOW, THEM. The killer was in the AV booth! Dewey limps upstairs, but he's gone. Now the (a?) killer is attacking Gale somehow. Dewey falls downstairs. Gale locks herself into another dark room. A recording studio or something. God, she is so tiny. The killer has followed her in. She thinks she's hiding in the studio. She sneaks behind some soundproof panels. He's close, though. She locks herself in an archive room or something. Dewey comes into the studio to be some kind of goddamn hero. The killer attacks him and she's sad from the other side of some glass. The killer starts trying to break the window as she screams impotently. She cries like a loser.


O'Connell waits for Sid as the cops come outside with her and her luggage. Her roommate insists on coming along. "I'm her therapist," she says. Sid kisses O'C good-bye and he looks sinister. The fraternity bros, in their robes, attack O'C for "giving up his letters" on his necklace. They tie him up at a wild party and pour beer down his junk or something. I'm not sure I trust these cops that are supposed to be protecting Sid. The killer attacks the driver. He kills him. Sid and her roommate can't get out because it's a police car and there's child criminal safety locks on the back doors. The other cop jumps on the hood with a gun, but really gets impaled in an accident before he can successfully kill the killer. Mask-face is stunned from the accident.


How to get out of the backseat of a police car? The pipe that impaled the cop has broken the cage thingy between the front and back seats, so Sid peels it back and crawls through. The passenger door won't open, so she has to climb over their passed-out attacker to get out. She wants to pull off the mask. She accidentally hits the horn. The door won't work, so she has to climb out the window through the front, too. She can't open the back door for some reason. They should smack him or her in the head again. Roommate has to climb over him, too. Sid wants to know who it is. Roommate says, "Stupid people go back." She says if they wait for the police, he'll be gone, and then he is gone. But just gone from the car because he reappears and kills the roommate. Sid runs away.


Gale sneaks out of the studio. Cotton runs into her and his hands are all bloody, claiming it's not what it looks like. She runs. She steals the payphone from Local Woman and says Cotton is the killer. In the theater, the music and lights for Sid's play are up. Where the fuck is she running? Aren't there emergency phones on this campus? Apparently she's going to go into the theater which has clearly been set up for her. Maybe the drama professor is the killer. She gets on stage OF COURSE and a spotlight isolates her. Sets fall from the ceiling to trap her. O'C's shirt has been displayed on the set. His body, still attached to the party thing, falls from the ceiling. He's still alive. Letters have been carved into his body. He's wearing super-modest striped boxers.


The killer is apparently the roommate's boyfriend and he claims his partner was O'C. O'C claims otherwise. Just fucking run away. He wants to be untied. Whatshisname shoots O'C/Derek. Sid is sad. She and whatshisname yell at each other. Oh, his name is Mickey. He makes lots of '90s legal/political references. He says people love a good trial. Sid's got Derek's necklace She says Mickey's forgotten that she killed Billy. She hits him in the face with the necklace and they get into a scuffle He's got a gun and a knife on her. O'C is very Christ-y right now. Local Woman is his accomplice and is holding Gale at gunpoint. Local Woman is dead Billy's mom, apparently. She has lost a lot of weight, that's why Sid didn't recognize her. Mickey says he needed tuition money and they met on a website. THE INTERNET. She shoots Mickey a bunch and accidentally Gale. Local Woman wants revenge because Sid killed her son. She's going to frame Mickey and her. "Billy was perfect, you did a gang-up job." She's also mad that Sid's mom fucked her husband. "You don't know what it is to be a mother." Yeah, okay.


Sid briefly distracts Local Woman and escapes behind the set. She finds a fireman's ax and starts chopping ropes so lights fall down from the ceiling. In her pantsuit, Crazy Mom shoots wildly backstage. I really don't know why neither of them ever jumped offstage into the house and ran away. Crazy Mom ends up under a pile of some fake stone brick thingies RUN SID RUN. C.M.'s got a knife and slashes at her. Fight onstage. Cotton has a gun and tells her not to move. CM has a knife to Sid's throat. Cotton is pissed/confused. CM says he'll be the star/survivor if he lets her kill Sid. CM has crazy eyes and Cotton shoots her. "That was intense," he says. Sid takes the gun from him and makes sure CM is dead. Gale reaches up from the orchestra pit, which is full of mysterious dry ice. She's been shot, but she's okay. She grabs a gun and asks if CM is dead. "I don't know," Sidney says, "they always come back." Mickey stands up!


They shoot the fuck out of Mickey. Sidney gives CM the double-tap. "Just in case." Joel shows up to work with Gale. Dewey's not actually dead! I thought D.Arq was in all the movies! Gale gets in the ambulance with him. The press crowds around Sid. She says Cotton's the real hero. He says the story will make "a hell of a movie." In her fantastically late-'90s outfit, Sid wanders off. Leather coat, un-pocketed high-waisted pants, chunky heels. SCREEEEEEEEAM 2. Not as good as the first. Enjoyable double-meta, though.

Almost forgot to include a picture of the main murder dude.


Monday, July 28, 2014

Energy Drink Review: NOS Zero Charged Citrus

GUYS, NOS HAS A NEW FLAVOR OMG. "For advanced mental focus and high performance energy." I saw this NOS Zero "Charged Citrus" at the local SA by my current temp job and knew it was for me. And for you. I DO THIS FOR YOU, PEOPLE.

FLAVOR: Like a gummy worm. You guys, there is now a NOS that tastes like a gummy worm! EXTRA! EXTRA! WORLD'S MOST EFFECTIVE ENERGY DRINK NOW TASTES LIKE CANDY. This is definitely more exciting than this morning's This Is New in My Life Development, which was using QuickBooks to create invoices.

EFFECTIVENESS: I have no doubts about how well this well work, but I will keep you updated on my 16 fl oz (1 pt) of awesomeness. It's definitely working. I'm about 2/3 of the way through and it's kept me pretty active while doing a lot of pulling/digging through files. SO THAT IS SOMETHING.

UPDATE: After work, I was still energized and WENT FOR A RUN. ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON AT 5 P.M. This is monumental. Clearly, the Nos is the Mos(t).

RECOMMENDED ALWAYS AND FOREVER ♥.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Energy Drink Review: Liquid Ice

An adult human woman poses with a small energy drink can between her large breasts. Source.
Liquid Ice, a li'l 8.3-oz. can of energy, is another of my Jonzy's of Wisconsin acquisitions. This claims to be a "high performance drink." WE'LL SEE. It also claims to be the "ULTIMATE MIXER." Again, we'll see except for that I have no booze on me because I am at work and also it is the morning.

FLAVOR: The drink itself is blue like the can and tastes like, well, Pixie Sticks or Sweet Tarts or something. A Good Flavor, if you like chemicals and candy. It does not taste like "liquid ice," which would just be water. I do think this energy drink would make an excellent mixer. Maybe I should go back to the website and buy four cases get one free because I've given up on pretending I'm not trying to slowly kill myself with caffeine and vodka.

EFFECTIVENESS: It's a tiny half-size can, so I have no significant expectations, but general tiredness (GENERAL TIREDNESS SALUTE) perhaps can be staved off briefly. Something called CoQ-10 supposedly "promotes healthy metabolic fuel efficiency within the cells." WHATEVER YOU SAY, DR. SCIENCE! Also, CoQ-10 sounds like the chemical that gave Alex Mack her special powers. BTWs, tried to watch a few episodes of that show recently because I used to love it so much and it was not very watchable. I used to dress just like her with the oversized boys' striped t-shirts in the mid-'90s, though. Pretty sweet look circa sixth grade. I finished the can and I have perked up just fine, but I fear it won't last long because of the low volume of beverage.

OVERALL: Pretty good. Would like in 16-oz. version. Recommended.

Horror Classic Remakes: Village of the Damned

John Carpenter's Village of the Damned.  Kirstie Alley AND Christopher Reeve! So '80s. Okay, I guess this is a remake. Haha, from 1995. Mark Hamill is also in it. The original was from 1960.


Waterfront house. Weird, dark cloud goes into the house. Pre-paralyzed Christopher Reeve gets out of bed in sexy tighty whities. His wife gets up and kisses him and they say some shit to each other. The town of Midwich has 2000 residents. The screenplay is based on a novel and also the 1960 film. In another house, a dark, whispery shadow flies over another seeping shirtless guy. His name is Frank. His lady is brushing her teeth. They have pretty good '90s wallpaper in the bathroom. She's all hot and blonde and wants him to get up. He's driving her somewhere in a truck. She has a sweet pink blazer blouse thingy on and he has a denim jacket with a corduroy collar. She's a school principal. She doesn't want him to smoke. He says he'll quit when she gets pregnant. TOTES FAIR DEAL.


Principal Lady and Frank are helping set up for some sort of school harvest festival. Frank leaves to go pick up a helium tank. A real estate lady shows a house to a couple as Frank drives by. This area is very picturesque. An old guy with a sweet ponytail uses a payphone. Frank sees Reeve AKA "Doc" at the gas station. Doc has to go do doctor business instead of going to the festival. The local priest is insistent to Principal Lady that they need finger paints. A sketchy janitor dude named Carlton drinks out of a paper bag in a classroom. Weird whisper noises. It's almost 10:00. Ms. Principal collapses. So does Carlton and the classroom bird. Everybody outside has also passed out. The whole town is asleep, I guess? Not Frank, though. He's in his truck that says "Crown something something" on the side. He gets distracted by some passed out cows in a field, nearly hits a truck and then smashes into another car and it explodes.


Some cop talks about how it's totally not chemical weapons. Kirstie Alley wears all black and smokes and is some sort of important sassy lady. The cops and emergency vehicles gather on this side of the white line they have literally painted on the road. The doctor shows up and wonders what's happening. The cops send one of theirs to the other side in a gas mask. He walks a ways and then passes out. They pull him back across the line with the rope tied around his waist. Kirstie is an epidemiologist. The edges of the effected area are well-defined. Mysterious. Doc worries about his wife. The cows start to get up. Now the passed out cops inside the line are awake too. Back at the school, the principal, bird, and Carlton wake up. The clock now says 4:00. Everybody out at the festival, including some cute dogs, start to get up. Everybody's like, WTF? Carlton is just like, "Sweet, I haven't drank my whole bottle yet!" A dude fell asleep on the grill and got barbecued. Gross. The cops and military roll into town. Doc Reeves finds his wife, the real estate agent. She says she's okay, but cold.


Another lady whose bath was interrupted by the passing out gets scared by a guy in a HazMat suit in her house. Principal Lady sees Frank's burnt truck getting towed. Now there's a mass funeral. The priest talks about how the "power of science" is worthless in this situation. Kirstie wears all beige and checks her watch. Mark Hamill is the priest! I didn't recognize him all old. Principal is sad about her dead husband. Doc talks to Dr. Kirstie about some "Book of the Damned." She's wearing all black again. Only one color at a time. She gives the Doc her card and says some shit about Sherlock Holmes. The principal feels ill outside the school. SHE'S DEFINITELY PREGNANT. Doc tells some other blonde lady she's pregnant. Bath lady is crying in the church. Rev. Skywalker is concerned. Her name is Melanie. They all passed out and got knocked up. It can't be that far to a city with an abortion clinic!


A big banner at a party: "Welcome Home, Ben." He's come back from a year in Japan and someone says something tactless about his pregnant wife. Doc has a sweet old-timey laptop. His wife wears an amazing vest. SHE'S PREGNANT! He's not too thrilled. He shows up at Principal's house. She's pregnant. He tells her there's a lot of pregnancies. An abnormally high number for such a small town all at the same time. They date from the day of the blackout. That weird cloud knocked 'em all up. ANGRY TOWN MEETING. The Doc tries to reassure them that their freak pregnancies have no abnormalities. I think Doc is smoking. Dr. Kirstie gets up to start talking about their decisions and how the National Science Foundation she works for will pay $3000 and all prenatal and birthing expenses will be paid if they can experiment on the kids. She says a team of ABORTIONISTS will be brought in for those who want to end their pregnancies. Ben's wife, the other blonde lady, is all sad because her husband is pissed. She heard "The [pregnant] Roberts girl is a virgin." NOBODY'S BUSINESS. Principal doesn't know what her choice will be.


Weird whispers at night. Principal has a dream. So does Callie, the other blonde. They're wearing white and rubbing their pregnant bellies in space or something. The Doc comforts his vaguely Asian wife as she wakes from the bad dream. Dr. Kristie smokes in the medical clinic. All the women are keeping their babies. Probs because everyone would know if they got an abortion. They ladies are getting more pregnanter. A birthing class. A row of cars shows up at a giant barn set up to be a maternity ward since apparently they've all gone into labor at the same time. They're all lying on their backs, of course. Melanie (I'm guessing she's the Roberts girl) is having complications. Doc successfully delivers a baby girl for his wife. The reverend's wife with a terrible lesbian haircut delivers a kid. Ben shows up to Callie's bed. He's going to love her again (because at least the bastard child isn't black). Dr. Kirstie is helping Melanie deliver, but the baby is stillborn. Kirstie runs off with the baby who I'm guessing isn't actually stillborn. She puts it in her van. Umbilical asphyxia. Kirstie smokes and pretends to be sad. The reverend asks Kirstie why she took the baby, she says it's for an autopsy. Isaac just made an "Awwwtopsy" joke because babies are cute.


Kirstie takes it to the clinic to do something mysterious. Rev. Skywalker baptizes his kid. All the other kids are getting christened that day or whatever. How many are there? Twelve maybe. Doc puts his kid down to sleep. Later he looks through a microscope at the dead baby's hair while Kirstie talks about how DNA makes it look like all the kids are related. Principal's kid is, like a year and half old, and spells out his own name, David, with blocks. He has creepy white-blond hair. The kids are two or three now, and Doc's kid has a crappy white wig on. She throws her food on the floor and her mom is concerned. That kid does NOT look like vaguely Asian Mom, but I guess we all know they're not normal. Her kid's eyes glow green in anger, I guess? Principal has come over to visit. Angry Wig Baby's eyes glow as she forces her mom to put her arm in bowling soup. She screams and Principal comes inside. She helps her pull her arm out, but she puts it back in. In the hospital, her arm's all bandaged up, but she won't tell Doc what happened. She's afraid of her kid now.


A foggy day, Vaguely Asian Mom goes for a walk and looks sad. Doc watches his kid with a terrible wig sleep and looks Concerned. I think his wife might have just jumped off of the cliff. Dr. Kirstie talks to a mysterious panel of people in a dark, smoky room. She says they have to keep studying the kids for "national security" reasons even though people have been hurt and Doc's dropped out of the study what with his wife being all dead. His daughter has been identified as the creepy children's leader. Kirstie asks for another year's grant. It's several years later and several white-blond children in gray clothes walk the school playground. The town has become largely run down and abandoned.
 

They've come to the clinic to see Dr. Kirstie. Mara, the leader, tells Kristie she knows she's trying to read her thoughts. Kirstie says it would be noisy if people said everything they thought. One of the kids goes in for an eye exam. The doctor puts the wrong chemical in her eye after dropping something and she screams. All the other kids get worried. The kid's iris does some weird red contracted thing. Mara comes in and flashes her red eyes at the eye doctor, who she forces to put the bad stuff in her own eyes.


The kids are lined up creepily outside Midwich Clinic. The one girl has an eye patch on. The doctor's probably permanently blind. What are these all-tan cigarettes Kirstie smokes? Reverend is worried about everybody's safety. Principal thinks Doc should teach the fucked up kids separately. She says he can teach them Humanity. Nice try. He clearly doesn't like his own kid. I love her Kid Blazer. That's some Creepy X-Files Twins Shit. The children do not like affection. Principal tries to brush her kid's hair and he says, "There's no need to become emotional." HAHA. He asks her why she's thinking some word, "empathy." Little baby sociopaths. I don't think he actually gets it. There are four matching sets of the kids and one smaller, single one. I think that one is David. I love his white hair. He comes upon A drunk and crying Melanie in the cemetery. She jokingly? offers him some booze. He sees her contemplating suicide (in his mind) and looks at her creepily.


Approximately ten people are at Melanie's funeral. Apparently she went through with it. Rev. Skywalker says the kids have only one mind and spirit between them. Doc sees David at the cemetery. He's "looking for the baby," the one who died. His creepy row-walking partner. Doc says the baby was taken away. "She was to be with me," David says. He's experiencing sadness, I guess. In a creepy sociopath way. David knows Doc has lost somebody. He holds Doc's hand at his dead wife's grave. That's a little empathetic. GROSS. Doc tells Principal what her kid did and said and she's confused. Maybe the dead one was to be his mate. Doc says he'll teach them.


 Carlton continues to drink. Apparently he still has a job. Doc has the creepy kids in class. They all follow Mara's lead. They simultaneously take out books to read as he has to leave the room for a moment. I love the girls' terrible matching wigs. Carlton comes in, "I know your game." He's watching them. "You ain't right, none of you." He jabs his broomstick at the kids, but they don't flinch. He says somebody's going to get them eventually, but they stand and stare at him. They get glowy green eyes and approach him. David hangs back as they follow him outside and he backs up a ladder backwards. As their eyes turn red, he sends himself off the roof onto his broomstick. Doc finds him dead and he and Principal look Concerned.


Mara comes to her dad and tells him "There are going to be changes." He goes to Kirstie and asks her who the children are. Kirstie thought they were a genetic mutation at first. There are other colonies: one in Australia, Alaska, Turkey. All the kids died in most of them. She says parthenogenesis is not real. She suggests CIA and says something about SUPERSPERM. Kirstie thinks it's xenogenesis. The mothers were just hosts. Duh. This plot is actually not too bad. The stillborn one is in a jar in the clinic basement. It looks like an alien. Kirstie says she's been hiding everything and has been building a wall in her mind to protect herself. Doc gets home and Mara says the kids are moving into the big abandoned barn and wants him to bring them supplies. There's no stopping them, she says. He won't tell her what Dr. Kirstie said. One by one, the parents drop off their overdressed children with adorable kid-size suitcases. Principal tells David he doesn't have to do everything the others do, but he says they're all the same. Ben comes to take back his daughter, but the other kids won't tell him anything. They make red eyes at him and now he's all entranced and is probs going to crash his truck. Why do these creepy little girls have such bad bangs? He crashes into a propane tank in a corn field.


Kirstie tells Doc to get out (of town) tonight for some reason. The other towns with blackout children have been destroyed. The government told her to escape. Doc confronts the kids about Ben's death. "Why do you hate us so much, Mara?" She says it's a biological imperative. She says if they coexist, they will dominate the humans. "Life is cruelty," she says. Doc says adaptation is key. He tells her that without emotions they are nothing. "Emotion is irrelevant." She asks if he should be allowed to live since he knows what they are. He thinks of the ocean to block his thoughts. She says he won't be able to deceive them and will have to help them escape and spread out to survive. She sends him to make arrangements, but I think he's only pretending to go along with it for now. David stares and has feelings, I think. Mara tells him sucks because he's without a partner and his development of emotions is "disturbing." Skywalker aims to shoot her from a cornfield, but gets confronted by four kids. He shoots his own bestubbled head off instead.


Dr. Kirstie and her assistants run off with their documents. Rev.'s wife screams with a mob. The kids confront Kirstie in the clinic. I don't think they'll let her go. Torches, bats, pitchforks. The kids creepily line up across the street. A few of them guide Kirstie into the basement to show them the dead one. A creepy little floating alien. Rev's wife talks in King James Version speech. David goes to look at his dead girlfriend with her autopsy scar. He's sad. Disturbing. The kids orange/red eyes make Mrs. Reverend drop her torch and set herself on fire. Principal just stares. Kirstie lays on the table and unzips her '90s turtleneck. She's going to autopsy herself. Auto-autopsy. Y-incision! Should probably undo her bra first. David isn't into it. He looks sad and is not eye-glowy. Doc breaks into a barn? The barn? He's stealing explosives. He'll destroy them all. Cops and military come into town and tell everybody it's an emergency and to return home. Principal is freaked out by the burnt lady's body.


Doc shows up at the clinic, looking for someone or something. Principal goes to the school and tries to call him, I think. Doc meets her there and says they can't stop the police or the children, but they can block his thoughts. He kisses Principal and is going to do something he won't disclose. He locks her into the school. She screams, "Not David. He's not one of them!" The kids hear the sirens approaching. David looks scared. The cops line up with their rifles drawn. The cops won't shoot at the kids. Instead, they start shooting at each other. Other cop cars crash into each other. Red eyes flash in the chaos. Cops get into a big gunfight. The children will a helicopter to crash with their minds. Principal breaks out of the school. David hangs out inside the barn, being scared. Principal grabs Burnt Lady's purse and takes her keys and her car to drive out to the barn.


Doc drives up to the massive destruction by the barn in his sweet wood-paneled station wagon. He turns the timer on in his briefcase full of dynamite and brings it into the barn, where the kids are sitting at their desks. He claims he left his notebook in his car and asks David to go get it. Mara says no, though. He gives her a brick wall in his mind. Principal shows up. She sneaks in to grab David, but they don't want him to go. Mara green eyes and David comes back. They red eye at Doc's brick brain wall and he tries to resist. Principal grabs David. Mara tries to get her and David tells her to leave his mom alone. They turn back to Doc, but he resists as Mara's face gets weird and see-through... fifteen seconds left. She's making holes in the wall. She sees the bomb, but it's too late.


Explosion. Principal and David have made it out. Okay, what was that secondary explosion? Another convenient propane tank? Emotional synthesizer music as Principal and David drive away. Through and out of Midwich. "We'll go someplace where nobody knows who we are." That white hair and eyeliner/mascara situation is a serious contrast. He blinks. THE END.

Never forget.