Thursday, November 12, 2015

Energy Drink Review: Monster Pipeline Punch

Hang ten, brah.
Guys! A Monster I haven't seen before that I don't think is just a rehash or repackaging of one of their other flavors! The vending machine at my current job doesn't have my go-to Monster flavors (Absolutely Zero or Khaos), but it least it has energy drinks AND you can pay by card, which is good because I rarely carry cash. ANYWAY, I haven't seen this flavor before. Apparently it's a limited edition kind of thing, so I'm glad I'll get a chance to taste it. I tend to really like most of the juice energy drink flavors. The "pipeline" in the name is some Hawaiian wave thing who cares. I download files all day long. Hundreds. Thousands. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus this is just a project and will end eventually. Anyway, staying awake in this cube is way harder than staying awake surfing or whatever.

I was pretty sleepy before lunch and haven't had any caffeine yet, so we'll see how this goes. I may need to take a nap before I head to HUGE tonight to help close out the Improvathon.

FLAVOR: It's pretty good. It tastes a lot like the Rockstar Juiced Guava they used to make and I drank way too much of my first semester of grad school. Lightly carbonated. Sweet, but not overwhelmingly so.

EFFECTIVENESS: It is totes working. Feeling more cheerful, less sluggish. My incessant leg bouncing feels more purposeful. I've still got about 40% left and I'm feeling good. I think I can call this a success.

OVERALL: Recommended. According to that graphic from the Monster website above, you can get it at 7-11. I'm pretty sure we don't have those here, but I will keep my eye out (or just buy all the cans out of the vending machine in the break room here).

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Support the Arts, You Guys

Hey gang! I've got a few things going on, comedy-wise. For the third (3rd!?!) year in a row, my improv group Snack Time is raising money for HUGE Theater as part of Give to the Max day. It's Snack Time's birthplace and we love it dearly. Just $10 to this amazing nonprofit theater will go to run its operations, teach classes and change lives, and put up a shit-ton of amazing improv shows. Please donate by 11:59 p.m. Thursday, November 12. And if you're in town (and can stay up that late), Snack Time will be performing right at the tail end of HUGE's 28-hour Improvathon at 11:20 p.m. Click below to donate:

Snack Time Improvathon 2015 | GiveMN

ALSO: this Friday is our last scheduled Pantsuit show! Two standups, two improv groups, possibly trivia if I get my shit together, and all ladies. 10:00 p.m., $7 at the Phoenix Theater. It's what Jesus would want you to do.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Horror Classics: Hellraiser

A bunch of people have told me I should watch Hellraiser and that I would enjoy it. I am skeptical, but here goes! This is a 1987 film with a guy with nails in his head!

We're in some kind of foreign market. Fancy coffee with sugar. I guy with real dirty fingernails is buying a mysterious box. CUT TO: Now this guy is sweating shirtlessly in a square of candles in a dark room, holding the box. He's trying to find a way to open it like it's a Rubik's Cube. He finds the button! Now fog and blue lights appear. He pushes on different parts of the box that are now sticking out. He turns some shit and puts it back together. Weird blue lightning comes out of it and then some hooks pull on his really clay-looking stomach flesh while he screams.

CUT TO: a nice-looking two-story brick house in a cloudy place in the fall--the trees are nearly bare and there are leaves on the ground. Inside, there is a bunch of food just left out on the counter. In the disheveled bedroom, a bug approaches a tiny porcelain figurine of people fucking. In another room, lots of chains and hooks hanging from the ceiling with pieces of flesh sticking on stuff. A pale bald due with shit sticking out of him walks on the various entrails and shit on the floor. He searches through the remains for a piece of a face and puts it together with some other pieces. He's got so many nails in his head and now he is fucking with the box, putting it right as blue lights go back into it. All is quiet and light in the house now. 

There are cobwebs everywhere as a couple fiddles with the front door lock. White people with '80s hair have arrived. The dude calls it "the old homestead." She is wearing the most amazing '80s businesslady blazer. He's wearing a Robert Stack/Skinner trenchcoat. The dude couldn't get his brother to agree to sell the house after his mom died. There's some weird shit in there. The British wife hated Brooklyn, she smokes and is unhappy about this place as she puts a cigarette out on the wood floor. There are religious statues all over the place. The guy finds disgusting piles of maggots in the kitchen. The wife screams from upstairs. They find the bedroom. The guy finds the fucking figurine and knows his brother Frank has been there recently. The phone rings downstairs. His daughter is on the phone. She's found a room, she doesn't want to stay with them. Upstairs, lady goes through a box of photos. They are sexually explicit. Dude doesn't think his daughter should bother to get a job. Lady steals one of the non-fucking photos of Frank for herself. Her hair is majestic. He's got amazing pant pleats. They agree to move in on Sunday.

One of the movers asks if there's any beer as they take a break moving a mattress up the stairs. He and his bro leer at businesslady. Their daughter '80s-ly walks along a waterfront wearing a leather jacket. Okay, now she's made it to the house. There's still furniture outside. She's confused by all the weird religious statues outside. She comes inside and the sleazy mover hits on her. Her name is Kirsty. Julia is the stepmom/businesslady. Kirsty kisses her dad real close to his lips. HER MOTHER'S DEAD. Kirsty is trying to make coffee and struggles with the faucet and ends up breaking it. Water is so hard! Julia rips off the lady's face in the photo of Frank she stole and has a flashback to Frank coming to her door in the pouring rain, asking if he can come inside. He's hotter than his brother. He had come for the wedding. Julia hides the photo as Kirsty comes asking for a towel JUST LIKE FRANK. Kirsty hears noises upstairs where Julia is staring down over a railing. 

Julia wears wonderful plaid pleated pants and walks into a dark room upstairs. Like, was there a fire in here? The windows have been papered over. More flashbacks: leather jacket Frank asks, "What should we drink to? You gonna let me kiss the bride?" He feels her lips and mouth with his finger and she is into it, I guess. He kisses her violently, and she is also into it. They are partially undressed and she wonders, "What about Larry?" He opens his knife COOL SEXY AWESOME. "Forget him," he says, and slices off her camisole strap. She is still into and runs his finger over her own teeth. Then they lay down on the bed on top of her wedding dress to fuck. Back in the present, Larry grunts while trying to move the mattress upstairs. This of course blends in with the flashback sex grunts. Frank has some kind of anatomical heart tattoo, I think? Larry's hand scrapes up against a nail sticking out of the doorway. "It's never enough," Frank says in the past. "Julia," Larry says in the present. Julia tells Frank she'll do whatever he wants, but then Bleeding Larry bursts in on her in her reverie. He's going to faint from the blood, which soaks right into the floor!

Underground, something soaks up the blood. Julia gets Kirsty to drive her dad to get stitches. The floorboards up in the dark room shake and begin to throw off their nails. Rats back away. A liquid bubbles up and there is some kind of smoke. Slimy legs burst out of the floor. The blood is forming into... something. The legs have some feelers between them. I think a head is being formed. The feelers sprout into a neck, I guess and pick up the head. There are some ribs. Fingers sprout out of the ooze. The guy screams in his bloody ooziness. Now, at dinner, Larry's telling a hilarious story about doctors. Another dude eats part of a cigarette or something as a joke for Kirsty and is trying to get her drunk. Julia's out of spirits and wants to go to bed. Larry insists no one else leave. She kisses their friends, but not Larry. She goes upstairs, away from all the laughter. Whispering at that upstairs door. Julia goes back inside the singed room to masturbate some more, I guess. God, her look is so on point. Those pants! Those pumps! She finds rats eating some of the body goo. The gross dude grabs her leg. He tells her not to look at him. She wants to know who he is. He's Frank! "No!" His brother's blood brought him back. He wants her help. 

The dinner party downstairs is SO FUN! Kirsty's a little drunk and is headed upstairs. Her cowboy boots are baggy and wonderful. Frank needs more blood. Kirsty's in the bathroom. She sees Julia lurking on the stairs creepily. A train goes by real fast. Kirsty's dude walks her. She's wearing a great hat. She sees a bearded homeless dude staring at her. Kirsty doesn't like Julia--"She's uptight and frigid." She and this jean jacket dude start making out in a subway staircase. Back at her dad's, Julia lays awake, plotting in a too-small bed, as Larry sleeps. 

The only two actors with any on-screen chemistry in this movie and only in flashback. :(
She thinks back on fucking Frank (again) and he asks her again if she'll do anything for him. She agrees. She gets up in the present and tells Frank she'll do it. Gross fleshy Frank is pleased. Is he, like, hungry or anything? Somewhere, Kirsty has wet hair in a room of flying feathers and hears a baby cry as blood flows out of a corpse under a sheet in a candelit room. So much blood now. She moves the sheet, and it's her dad, I think? The boyfriend wakes up from the nightmare on the floor in Kirsty's room. He then wakes her from a (the?) nightmare herself. She's so sweaty. She's worried about her dad. She calls him and he answers. Julia lies awake. Frank listens. Larry reassures Kirsty that he's fine. Frank hears that Kristie had a bad dream. 

Next day, Frank watches Julia leave for work in a lovely black skirt suit and sunglasses. She's at a fancy bar day drinking. A dude wants to buy her a drink. She agrees. She ends up bringing him home. As a sacrifice, I'm guessing. He's so into Julia. Too bad she's gonna murder you/get you murdered. She's not into making out with him. He starts to get mad. She brings him upstairs to The Room. "This isn't the bedroom," he says. "We don't need a bed, do we?" she says. "I've always preferred the floor." 

She locks the door with a key, but leaves it in the lock and starts to undress him. Her star earrings are amazing. He takes off his pants and has sexy tight whities. He needs to pee and she attacks him with a hammer. Blood! Blood for her boo! She's got some splatter on her face. Frank tells her not to look at him and she leaves the room as Frank comes to the body to feed. Julia takes off her golden blouse and washes the blood off her hands. She's kind of freaking out, which makes sense. First murder and all. 

She goes back in the room and finds the business douche's body all shriveled and bloody. Frank is already able to stand. He's got more flesh on his bones. "We both want that, don't we?" She does, because she wants to BONE HIM. She doesn't want him to touch her, especially as he calls himself daddy. Larry is home and she has to go, just as he started groping her boob. She's moving the body to another room, for some reason. "You want a cookie, little girl?" Larry asks through the bathroom door. She says she's feeling sick and asks for a brandy. She's got to wash all the blood off (again). She goes back to find Frank. He says his nerves are starting to hurt and just needs one or two more bodies. He's got to escape from the cenobites, whatever those are. "We belong to each other now... like love, only real." She licks his finger again.

Kirsty is working at a pet shop that is very hectic. The bearded homeless dude is there, staring. He's stealing and eating crickets, I think. She is kicking him out of the store. The boyfriend shows up and the homeless guy is gone. Back at the house, Julia brings home another business douche. She hammers his head and Frank takes what he needs. She's done a better job keeping the blood off and not freaking out this time. She drinks and makes a steely stare. Her eye makeup is so purple right now. She smirks. Frank is more substantial, wearing a shirt and smoking now. He can taste the cigarette. Julia wants an explanation. He shows her the box, which opens doors--"to the pleasures of heaven or hell, I didn't care which." The cenobites gave him pain and pleasure. They are creepy and pale. Hooks pulling flesh off. Blood. Nail head guy. Apparently Julia was able to see the flashback. "They won't get me back," he says. Julia's going to help him get away. Sure, they'll never find him.

Julia and Larry watch a boxing match on TV. She's into the bloodsports now. Larry likes it, too. Frank bangs on a wall in frustration. Julia claims she's left a window open as Larry goes to check the noise. She doesn't want him to get killed. To distract Larry, she starts kissing him on the stairs. He insists they go check out the noise. He hears a rat in The Room, where they have been impaled on nails. They go back to the second floor to fuck. Frank was hiding in their room. Julia doesn't want the light on, but keeps making out with him, even while worried about Frank. Frank comes out of the closet with a knife as she says no. Neither Larry nor Frank stop what they're doing. She starts to cry as Frank cuts open a rat in front of her. Now Larry stops and is confused that she doesn't want to fuck. She changed her mind! It's allowed! No means no! 

Larry and Kirsty are at dinner at a shitty Chinese restaurant. He tells her Julia won't leave the house. He wants his daughter to come by and try to make friends with Julia. At the house, Frank wears a slimy suit and insists that Julia find another guy soon, or else he'll go after Frank. Kirsty sees Julia bring the dude into the house. Uh-oh. This bespectacled dude says he gets lonely sometimes. "Everybody does," Julia replies. They go up to The Room as Kirsty approaches the front door. The dude figures things out a little too early as Kirsty tries to get in downstairs. Why would she go inside now? To hear her stepmom fuck some dude? Frank tells Julia to get out. Kirsty's inside, snooping around. Don't go opening doors, girl. Julia's hiding in another room up there. A weird Egyptian looking statue sits on the banister. As Kirsty gets to the top of the stairs, the guy falls out of the door and asks for help. Then Frank comes out after him. He tells her who he is. "Come to daddy." He also calls her beautiful. Gross. I think he's going to rape her, but she grabs at his guts to get away. He gets mad when she grabs the box. She throws it out the window and he screams. She runs away, with the box now.

Nuns on the street glare at Kirsty. She staggers, dazed, and falls down on the sidewalk. A red carnation blooms in her mind where Frank's face used to be. She wakes up in the hospital. A nurse watches a white carnation blooms on the TV. Boring show. She won't answer Kirsty's questions. Kirsty tries to get up, but is dizzy. The doctor insists she get back in bed. He's got the box. She claims she doesn't remember it. She's going to have to talk to the police, for some reason. He leaves the box, but locks the door, again, for some reason I don't really understand. She fondles the box and little pink light sperms come out of it. Music and lights as pieces pop out and she stares. Pinkie pushed in and blue lightning. Then it moves into the star shape and a doorway opens up in the wall. Don't go in, girl! But she does. There's always so much smoke/fog in creepy places in movies. Like, I'm too asthmatic to ever be in a horror movie, I think. 

Kirsty enters the mysterious passageway. A baby screams in the distance. She keeps walking toward the cries. It's like your dream, lady. She sees something blocking her way. It's a big gross red demon thing. It's slimy and has an alien face and claws and a scorpion's tale. Chomp, chomp! it chases her. There's no end to this hallway. She manages to get back to her hospital room and the door has been closed. She tries to fix the box, but it won't budge. Smoke starts to come out between the cinder blocks in the wall and the IV bag fills with blood. The TV flashes flowers and the bag bursts. A creepy flesh-faced cenobite guy in leather approaches her and puts his fingers in her mouth. Nail head shows up. He says she summoned them. "Demons to some, angels to others." She says it was just a puzzle, it was a mistake and she doesn't want to come with them. She tries offering them Frank in her place. The other demons are unconvinced, but Nailhead is open to the idea. 

Maybe it's all the energy booze, maybe this movie is just really straightforward, but I am not having the trouble following the plot I often do while drunkenly watching horror films. 

Julia and Frank contemplate Kirsty ratting on them. Frank says they can't leave until he's got a new skin. Larry will be home soon. Back at the hospital, Kirsty's boyfriend is looking for her, but she's gone from her room. It seems Larry's blood has done the trick, and Frank is basically back to normal now. Now he and Julia fuck. Kirsty's escaped from the hospital and is banging on her dad's door. Julia opens up and Kirsty wants to see her dad. It looks like Frank has just put Larry's skin on top of his creepy body. Kirsty hugs him and tries to warn him. "Whatever Frank did is unspeakable, but it's finished now," Frank/Larry says. They say Frank is gone, dead. They had to kill him. Kirsty says she has to see dead Frank as he continues to pretend he's her dad. Julia takes her upstairs to where the body that is actually her dad lays steaming. The door slams behind her. Nailhead and his minions are back. Kirsty says they can't have her dad. 

Julia tries to stop her on the stairs. "Larry" says they can all be happy there. "Come to daddy." Kirsty realizes it's not her dad and scrapes her dad's face. Now he pulls his little blade out at Julia holds her still. Kirsty dodges and Frank accidentally stabs Julia. Kirsty continues to run upstairs. Frank steals Julia's essence and tells her it's nothing personal. Then he goes after Kirsty, who continues to run upstairs. She goes into the storage room across from The Room. Why don't you lead him back to the demons? She opens a closet and a giant Jesus statue falls out and scares the shit out of me. She hides behind some stuff. The Larry skin hangs off Frank's skin where Kirsty scraped him. A demon spews some maggots onto Kirsty out of a dark corner, but she manages to keep quiet long enough for Frank to leave the room. She immediately gets up, because she's stupid. Keep hiding, girl. Don't lean on the railing, you'll get pushed over. Frank comes up behind her with the switchblade and she backs back into the Room over her dad's desiccated body. He tells her it's all all right and she calls him a bastard.

The blue light and smoke are back. Here's pokey face and his minions. Chains! Pillars with hooks and flesh! Chompy teeth! The demons tell her it's not for her eyes. "You set me up, bitch," Frank says, but a hook pulls his flesh back before he can get to her. Teeth chomp. Kirsty cries. Run away, girl! Hooks on chain pull her dad's skin off Frank's body again and he licks his lips and says, "Jesus wept." Yeah, okay. She runs out. One of the minions corners her. She finds Julia's body on the bed, holding the box. Kirsty pries it out of her dead hands and tries to undo it. Nailhead wants to show her the sights, but she figures out the box. He tells her not to do it. She tells him to go to hell. She pushes it back together and they disappear with lightning. Outside, the boyfriend knocks at the door. It begins to collapse around her as he makes his way inside. She is so much hotter than he is. 

One more whateverbite tries to grab her as she puts more parts of the box together. The minion with all the necks almost gets the boyfriend, who is apparently named Steve. The corner of the box does something and when he opens the door the hospital hallway chaser comes through. This fucking box. It's got her arm and is clacking its teeth at her as she grabs for the box. Steve tries to help with it, but she shoves him away. She gets it back in place and the last(?) demon disappears. They go outside. She enjoys the rain and Steve puts his jean jacket over her shoulders. The windows of the house light up and the photo of Frank burns. Apparently the whole house has burned now? Or they're at another set of carefully contained fires. She throws the box in one of the fire piles. The hobo is here, now! He reaches into the fire and grabs the box out. He's consumed with flames and turns into a dragon skeleton, which flies away with the box. 

Now the box is on the table in a foreign market again. Another dude is there to buy it. OKAY, COOL. THE END.

What even was that movie?

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Live Hosting Thingies

This Friday! Our third Pantsuit Comedy Showcase at the Phoenix Theater! 10:00 p.m., $7. I'll be hosting the Pantsuit Pop Quiz, which is part trivia, part me awarding points to comedians for charming me.

Also, I have begun my tenure as sassy local trivia host on Sunday nights at Sweeney's Saloon in St. Paul. I write "cruel"* questions and read them into a CB radio mic at you, with jokes. Game play is free! The demoralization you experience lasts forever.

*Review from real-life trivia participant this week.

Monday, October 05, 2015

Horror Classics: The Evil Dead

I watched one of these movies one time with a high school friend, but I think maybe it was not this one?* Anyway, it is time for the blogging of The Evil Dead (1981), which we have had on disc for like 4 months and I am finally getting around to because I am no longer working full time. Hooray!

Backseat buddies!
It is foggy and we are in a swamp. An amazing yellow '70s car full of white people. A singalong through the woods. A menacing red truck on this dirt road. Ash (Bruce Campbell) is navigating from the backseat after they just pulled across the Tennessee border. They almost hit the truck. Apparently it's Ash's car. Scott, the driver, claims the steering wheel fucked up. He's drinking something out of a mason jar. The cabin they're renting is super-cheap. The bridge they drive across is falling apart. There are three ladies and two dudes. The road on the other side of the bridge is pretty overgrown with grass and stuff. It looks to be early fall.

The porch swing bangs against the building in the wind. The cabin looks pretty rustic, but not too menacing yet. The keys are just kept on top of the door frame, apparently. The swing stops banging once Scott grabs them. Inside it looks smoky/dusty. There's a deer head on the wall. Not super-sketchy inside. Scott investigates another building(?) which is a sketchy barn place with chains and sharp tools and weird bones and shit hanging from the ceiling. OBVS. The clock strikes 5:50 and the wind blows into an open window. One of the ladies is drawing the clock but is now possessed and is drawing something violently with dark blue veins in her hand. She spends a lot of time with a curling iron. She's drawn a boxy face, I think? Oh, maybe it's this trap door in the floor with a chain on it? She doesn't tell anyone, I guess.

Now they're at dinner with blended drinks in paper cups. All the hair. Ash tries to give a toast. They're going to party! But now the trap door flies open in the other room. They all go look inside. The artist from before says it's probably just an animal. Artist is Cheryl. Scotty mans up and decides to go check it out. All the girls have so much hair. Michigan State sweatshirt girl is wearing the world's most orthopedic turtleneck. Scott goes down and disappears and then he doesn't respond to Ash's calls. He goes down with a lantern. What are those shoes? In the basement there's a water heater, some window frames, a door, stone walls. Also, dripping pipes.

A noise comes from behind the door. Ash goes to investigate. Scotty jumps out to scare him from the shadows. He's found a bunch of weird shit down there. A shotgun he PLAYFULLY points at Ash's head. A creepy book apparently covered in skin. Lots of gross skull drawings and some weird language inside. Scotty finds a dagger with a screaming skull hilt. "This kind of looks like your old girlfriend," he jokes. AHAHAHAHA YOU'RE SO FUNNY, SCOTTY. He wants to bring the weird shit upstairs. Lightning upstairs and a cloud in front of the moon. Ash plays a tape he find downstairs on a really old-timey player with giant reels. On the recording, some archaeologist talks about ancient Sumerian burial practices and The Book of the Dead--bound in human skin and written in human blood. It's about demons.

The couples snuggle. Cheryl--WHO IS ALONE--wants to turn it off. The recording chants in Sumerian, I guess. Cheryl wants to turn it off as something is awakened underground outside. Cheryl screams and the storm knocks a tree through the window. A little later, Ash is asleep on the couch with a little jewelry box in his hand. His girlfriend snatches it out of his hand. He's got a great unibrow. He's got here a little bejeweled magnifying glass on a chain. Her turtleneck is majestic. "I'll never take it off," she says of the necklace. They make out in front of the window. Something looks in at them and then goes to the next window to see Scotty and his lady get undressed. Cheryl brushes her hair ALONE in her room, looking at the weird drawing from earlier. A weird voice says something and she looks outside. EVERYBODY: SHUT YOUR CURTAINS.

Single girls are so desperate for the D, they'll fuck a tree!
Cheryl goes outside to investigate. Good idea, wander off into the woods, LOSER SINGLE LADY IN A ROBE. Nobody responds to her calls, but she hears noises in the trees. It's incredibly smoky. Trees fall down and she doesn't run back. Roots start to wrap around her limbs. She screams and ineffectually tries to move. Her robe tears off and she's pulled to the ground by the increasing number of roots, which tear open her clothes and we see her boobs for some reason. Her legs are pulled apart and a branch goes into her vag, I think. She screams but is maybe also enjoying this? After a few moments she manages to break her arms free. She gets up and begins to run away. She screams through the woods which appears to be full of random spotlights and dry ice. I don't know where she's going. Oh, here, she found the cabin, but we see plenty of her panties. The door is locked. She finds the keys, but they're stuck as Whatever It Is closes in on her. It's crazy what straight lines her clothes were shredded in. She struggles with the lock. Ash opens the door and pulls her inside just in time.

Cheryl claims the woods themselves fucked her up. She wants to go back into town. Ash(ley) says he'll drive her, since she insists she needs to go. Can't believe anybody at this sketchy cabin is sober enough to drive. Ash cannot start the car. OF COURSE BECAUSE THIS IS A HORROR MOVIE. She says, "It's not going to let us leave," but then it does start. They drive off as the others go back inside. They drive through the woods for a bit, but then Ash stops and gets out to look at something. Cheryl is Not Pleased about this development. She gets out to follow him. Bad idea. Girl, get back in the car or the woods will rape you again! She comes upon some torn up metal girders and a sign that says "Dangerous Bridge: Travel at Your Own Risk." She runs back screaming. Ash grabs her and she says, "It's not going to let us go!"

BACK AT THE CABIN. Wood-chopping. Ash listens to the tape and the guy says his wife became possessed by a Sumerian demon he resurrected with the book. The other girls are practicing ESP with cards. Cheryl is actually guessing them, though. She's all demon-y now, floating. "Why have you disturbed our sleep?" Head rolling, eyes and skin fucked up, etc. Scott is back with his axe and puffy coat. She collapse and they go check on her. She stabs Ash's girlfriend in the ankle with a pencil and throws both of them across the room. She shuffles toward Ash, under a broken bookcase. She shoves Scotty away, but he gets back up and manages to shove her down into the cellar and chains the trap door shut. I really hope it's only, like, 8 p.m. now.

Later, Ash comes and tucks in his girlfriend, who is already sleeping. Scott and his girlfriend sit by the fire. Cheryl is peeking through the crack of the trap door. Scotty's girlfriend is concerned about her eyes and also the noises. Something approaches through the woods. More Sumerian demons, presumably. I really feel like they should put furniture on top of that trap door. I don't trust the chains. Scotty tells his lady to go to bed, but something breaks through their bedroom window. Scotty follows the screams, but finds the room empty. So much smoke/fog. He finds nothing and doesn't seem that perturbed about the whole thing.


Feeling only vaguely motivated to finish this movie. Ugghghghg. Shot? Shot. Let's do a shot. ILL-ADVISED.* Ahhhh I did a shot of Limon from Wisconsin what who how what. Okay, let's dive back into this movie before I think too hard about my life choices!

Oh, Scotty's girl is named Shelly. Cool. Where did she go? How many rooms are in this cabin? It did not look that big from the outside. The bathroom has, like, Peeps yellow plastic walls. I think this sudden sequence is implying that somebody with long red nails is scraping his face and making him bleed, but the special effects are Less Than Special if you know what I mean. Shelly attacks Scotty into the living room, where Ash is sitting. A mounted fish is askew on the poorly stucco-ed walls. I have it paused right now, that's how I'm able to give you this amazing descriptive detail. Cheryl is still trying to break out of the trapdoor. A wax mold of Shelly (it's supposed to be actual Shelly, but the sfx are bad) melts on the fire Scotty threw her on. He feels bad and she says some shit in a demon voice. She attacks Scotty again and Ash tries to intervene. He gets thrown into yet another mostly-empty bookcase. Shelly tries to stab Scotty with the skull dagger. He's wearing a knife, obvs and manages to cut off her hand.

These terrible special effects and makeup are amazing. Shelly starts eating her own cut-off hand, I think? Her face is all messed up and the men stare. Her cut-off hand stabs her in the back. The skull on the knife spews blood out of its mouth and there's so much alien/demon screaming. I don't even know what just happened. Shit starts spewing out of her stump. Milk and blood out of her mouth too. Who knows? Sung *Blood spatter on your bell bottoms.* The remaining hand suddenly grabs Scotty. Shelly's back up, dripping blood. Ash clutches the axe as Scott yells at him to do something. He grabs the axe and starts hacking. Screaming. He chops her limbs HARD. Ash cowers up against the wall as Shelly's parts wiggle all dismembered-like. "Shelly's dead," Scotty says. They have to bury her.

The boys have gathered up her chunks in a bloody sheet. They take her outside, where it is still very smoky. They move some hay with a shovel and put her in the ground. They mark it with a stick cross, I think, for some reason. The men discuss possibly leaving. Ash says his lady Linda can't walk out with her hurt leg. When did it get hurt? I don't remember. Scotty decides to hike out alone because he is A Idiot. Ash goes back inside, where Demon Cheryl taunts him from the basement. Ash checks out Linda's leg, which spreads creepy spiderwebs across her skin and now suddenly also she is possessed? Ash steps outside and suddenly Scotty, all bloody, jumps on him. Linda is all demonic and giggling now. Scotty says it's not going to let them leave and they're all going to die. Ash wants to know if there's a way around the bridge. There's a trail. Demon Cheryl taunts from under the not-secure trapdoor. There's a trail they can take.

Scotty is dying. Scotty bleeds from the mouth. Ash smacks Linda. Scotty tells him to kill her. He takes the gun and asks for forgiveness from God. Her makeup is merely bad, not zombie skinned. Suddenly her real face comes back and she asks for help. His purple bruise is very purple. Cheryl asks for help from the basement, too. She claims to be "all right now." Scotty is moving slightly. Ash goes to investigate, but then Cheryl (who is his sister, I guess?) 's hand grabs at him from through the floor. And now Linda is possessed. "We're gonna get you," she sings and giggles. Ash drags Linda outside as she screams crazy things and growls. He goes back inside for some reason. Clouds in front of an orange moon. Ash gives a drink of water(?) to Scotty. He's not drinking it. It's just spilling. That bitch is dead. You're all alone know, Ash. He says the sun's coming up in about an hour.

Eerily reminiscent of my honeymoon on the Oregon Coast.
Suddenly Linda is stabbing him with the skull knife. She licks the blood off. They scuffle around the living room. Cheryl grabs at his leg from the trap door growling, "Join us." Ash shoves Linda and she falls on the knife, spewing blood and milk. I think she may be dead. Also, Scott, who is bleeding on some books on the floor. Ash drags Linda's body into the barn place, I think? He straps her down with the convenient chains and pulley system and proceeds to attempt to chop her up with a chainsaw. The sight of the necklace he gave her stops him. OMG dramatz music! That bitch ain't your bitch no more, Ash. Chop it up! He decides to bury her, intact. BAD IDEA. Suddenly she's wearing some kind of white robe with minor bloodstains. Back in the cabin, Cheryl is trying to break out of the basement. Linda's not really dead-dead. Ash digs a hole in the hay. Linda's eyes fly open periodically. He goes to check her body. He picks her up romantically and sets her down in the grave he just dug and begins to fill in. This is a really long night.

Because she was drawing earlier. See?
Ash goes to pick up the necklace and Linda sits up and begins to claw at his leg really hard. He finds a giant chunk of wood and starts to beat her as she screams and laughs. Very little dialogue in this movie. For the best, probs. He ends up decapitating her with a sword as her neck stump bleeds on his face. Maybe she is done now? He goes back to the cabin for some reason, all bloodies. The trapdoor has been shoved aside, so Cheryl's on the loose. The clock tells us it is about 5:50 a.m., I think. Ash picks up the gun and goes to investigate. There has got to be a better place to hunker down, right? Cheryl grabs at him from the broken window and he tries shooting her, but she's still all zombie-ish. Apparently shutting this stubborn door will keep her out. He smashes her hand.

Ash has an idea. He decides to go down into the basement. His leg is all bloody. He slides on the stairs kind of like I did on our outside wooden steps today when it was all rainy and I was wearing flipflops. In the basement, he sees a bloody garment wrapped around a pipe or something. Suddenly the pipe comes off and pours blood and guts in his face. Blood starts to drip from the electrical outlet and into light bulbs and a film projector starts playing and filling with blood. "We're gonna get you" taunts the demon. Ash finds some bullets for his gun. Voices echo in his head. The projector blows up. The pipe drips blood. Ash decides the basement is not the place to be, I guess. He hears a bell toll, but the clock upstairs still says 5:55. Sunrise is in 5 minutes, I'm guessing? It is too quiet right now.

Rifle in hand, Ash looks around. Shutters bang against windows. Ash reaches to touch a mirror and his hand goes through as into water. He shoots through the window. The wind blows outside. He sweats. He reloads and shakes. Maybe because I am kinda drunk now, but this is the best part of this movie. I will say that young Bruce Campbell is weird. Older Bruce Campbell is better/ more familiar. He takes the necklace out of his pocket. Things are Too Quiet. Hands bust through the door he's leaning against. He shoots at Cheryl through the door holes. He moves an old sewing desk in front of the door.

R.I.P. industrial-sized tin can of ketchup used in this scene.
Suddenly Scotty is up and zombying. Your hair gets gray when you're a zombie, I guess. The Book is near the fireplace. Ash fights off Scott by gouging his eyes. He pulls something out of his side, blood gushes, and he's dying. Ash sees the book on the ground. Cheryl breaks through, all gray. Ash decides to burn the book, but Cheryl grabs his leg. He can't quite reach the book. Cheryl and Scott grab at his legs, but he manages to grab the magnifying book. Cheryl smacks him with a fire poker, but he's using the necklace to move the book, which is now burning. He gets it and throws it into the fire.

Suddenly Cheryl freezes. Blue goo comes out of her mouth. Crunching noises. She begins to melt. So does Scotty. Claymation, all I ever wanted! Gross tongues from the people and the book. Ash is very bloody. Sudden silence. Applesauce leaks out of Scotty's sleeve. Hands burst out of Ash's friends' bodies. It is real gruesome and amazingly fake. Gore explosions on Ash's face. Disintegrating Scott skull. "Join us" echoes into silence. Ash now tries to get up. Tick-tock it's 6:15 or whatever! He's holding onto the necklace and the sun is rising.

Ash goes outside, where birds are chirping. It's a new day! Four of your friends got possessed by demons and tried to kill you! You probably can't file a police report about that! The outside of that cabin is so different from the large inside. Also, what are all these other buildings the demon's essence is traveling through toward Ash's face right at the end? SILLY SHENANIGANS MUSIC THE END.

*I think it was Army of Darkness. There were lots of tiny people.

**All shots are ill-advised. 

Wednesday, September 09, 2015


Making these promo materials is
my destiny.
While I'm busy tweeting about hating my job (which ends NEXT WEEK) and never blogging, sometimes I also do improv/comedy things in person. This week! I have two! Shows!

First, tomorrow, Thursday, September 10 my 2nd place Troika group Useful Knots will be roping audiences into LOVING US at the monthly Monsters of Improv showcase at Honey MPLS in Northeast along with three other lovely groups. 7:00 p.m., donation-based admission. They have foods and fancy beverages and there is a weirdly charming pole in front of the stage. Come see us!

Friday, September 11 (never forget) is our second Pantsuit Comedy Showcase at 10:00 p.m. at the Phoenix Theater in Uptown. I will be passing hosting duties on to (Other) Lauren & Kristen, but we will be performing as Bitches with Books. Also performing are improv duo Transvaginal Mesh and standup Jenn Schaal. I will then host the Pantsuit Pop Quiz, a trivia/comedy competition we force our performers to participate in for your amusement. Tickets are $7. We also have showcases scheduled for 10/9 and 11/13. Make the second Friday of each month your special lady comedy night!

If you would like to see more of my trivia hosting stylings and also PLAY ALONG I will be hosting my own trivia night starting in October on Sundays at Sweeney's Saloon in St. Paul at 7:00 p.m. I will quiz your team on obscure knowledge and mock you when you get it wrong, but like, in a really clever way so you like it. I'm very excited to have a regular microphone gig, you should totes come!

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Pluggin' Around

Pluggers is a comic that still exists and is still terrible. Let's see what these biological monstrosities are up to!
Pluggers are definitely a bordering demographic to those doomsday preppers who try to live off the grid so TBH, I'm a little surprised Pluggers recognize government-issued paper money and haven't declared themselves Sovereign Citizens who only adhere to the gold standard.

We all know "retire" really means "got a restraining order after you stole a bunch of their prescription pads to feed your massive pill addiction."

I don't think that measly "memory vitamin" is going to dig you out of that near-constant k-hole, Mr. Dog Plugger. Keep trying, though.

 Pluggers don't know how to tie their own shoes.

 Pluggers are on the cutting edge of fashion.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar BOOM!

LOOK WHO STILL HAS A BLOG. It's me. I still have this blog. Now that I'm on my new meds (Zoloft) and I know I don't have to be a mortgage receptionist forever (temp job end date TBA), I am feeling a lot less terrible about life and maybe I will write things again. So I'm here today to give you all a heartfelt update about something deeply personal to me... new energy drink flavors, obvs! Isaac picked up a couple of these new Rockstar BOOM! drinks for me somewheres and I'm trying the "whipped strawberry" flavor first.

FLAVOR: Oh wow. It kind of tastes like a smoothie. And like actual strawberries may have been involved in the manufacture of this product. It is pretty damn tasty. Like no other energy drink. Not chemical-y at all. This is some good shit, y'all. It's a little sweet to drink too fast, but I like it.

EFFECTIVENESS: I am less than completely exhausted today, just regular damn tired, but afternoons are long in this lobby and the alarm at 7:01 a.m.* comes REAL early. I think it is working but I just had to do a bunch of work stuff and it was stupid. FACT: uppers can't make you not hate your job. Definitely a perk-up. Standard for Rockstar caffeination levels. I drank it over the course of about an hour and a half and TBH, I'm already coming back down and getting tired again. I do not blame the Rockstar, however, I'm just a tired, tired lady.

OVERALL: Try it! I recommend it!      (!!)

Trying the orange one tomorrow probs. Will update.

*I do not set alarms for even numbers. That's just... wrong. 

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Comedy, Not Energy Drinks!*

Friends, it has been a rough patch here in Laurendale. I went off my meds a few months ago when we were uninsured/for the same stupid experimental reasons mentally ill people decide to go off their meds every once in awhile. My anxiety has not been too, too terrible, but I am working full time as a receptionist, so that is grinding my soul into tiny pieces every passing moment.

ANYWAY, after a performing hiatus, I have a few comedy things happening again. Would you like to come see my face doing comedy at you in person (in Minneapolis)? HERE'S WHERE YOU CAN DO THAT:

I made this. I feel a lot of pride about that.
Pantsuit Comedy Showcase
Friday, July 10th, 10:00 p.m.
Phoenix Theater in Uptown--$5 advance/$7 door
My friends Lauren and Kristen and I are putting this together with the hopes that it will become a regular monthly thing showcasing Twin Cities lady-type comedy acts. I'll be hosting this on Friday, and in addition to a standup and two great improv duos, I'll be running a trivia game with our performers as a panel (still not quite sure what this will look like but I'M WORKING ON IT, YOU GUYS.). Come support female comedians it will be funny and also cheap.

Big Time Horse
Saturday, July 11th, 10:00 p.m.
Phoenix Theater in Uptown--$5
My group Useful Knots (2nd Place Troika Madness, 2015) is getting back together for some more shows, the first of which is Big Time Horse! There will be improv, standup, an open mic, and various shenanigans! Come one, come all!

Fresh Air Improv
Wednesday, July 15th, 7:00 p.m.
Loring Park Bandstand--FREE
Do you love live performances but don't want to go inside because it's SUMMER, DUH? BOTH. DO BOTH! My crew Snack Time is performing with two other improv groups in the outside, in a park, for FREE. Take your allergy meds and come join us!

Brave New Workshop Sketch Lab Table Read
(tentative) Friday, July 17th, after the main stage show
Brave New Workshop Comedy Theatre
Come see the BNW main stage cast in their awesome (probably, I haven't seen it yet, but they are literally pros) sketch show, Mad Vax: Beyond Measledome. Afterwards, my sketch writing class (which happens to be all ladies, HOLLA!) will be doing readings of some of our best sketches of the session. I might be singing a song about space tigers, but this is still mostly TBD.

*I reserve the right to drink energy drinks before doing comedy, I'm just pointing out that this is actually not an energy drink review, but a shameless self promotion post.