Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Energy Drink Review: Tornado

I had the red one. Blue one's next. Brown one never (sorry, I'm racist against coffee).
Guys, I found a Big Lots(!) here in Minnesota and was able to find some random new energy drinks to try. I picked up a "Tornado" drink in a few flavors and will review the original flavor here for you today. I really shouldn't drink energy drinks, just generally OBVS, but because I'm awake until the morning and then sleep all day and then get up for awhile and then take a 3-hour nap, but I will do almost NOTHING if I don't drink some caffeine. My friend Mike tells me this sounds less like caffeine dependency and more like "depression" but WHATEVER WORKS, MY FRIEND. Unnecessary caffeine and lots of cheesy pop music are how I'm doing this thing (occasionally doing household chores and writing once in awhile). The plastic bottle of Tornado claims it contains a "Taste that blows you away!" I do find the way they incorporated the UPC barcode into the tornado picture rather clever. I respect that. Without further ado, here is my live Tornado review.

FLAVOR: Okay, it just tastes like generic "energy drink." The bottle has red on it, so that my be skewing  my tastebuds into thinking it tastes a little more "red" than citrus-y. It's perfectly acceptable in flavor, but definitely has a kind of chemical-y aftertaste. I don't mind that, but I am more energy drink than man at this point, so that's not saying much. Okay, the flavor does not improve with time or warming. It's got a cough-syrupy edge to it almost. I will continue drinking it, obviously. UPDATE: the flavor never improved.

EFFECTIVENESS: In addition to some fun music, this here Tornado is helping motivate me to do some chores I was supposed to do last week, so that's positive. After a little while, my head feels kind of funny, so that's a thing. Maybe I should eat lunch or dinner, whatever meal I'm supposed to have next. I'm going to take my tape measure to the Goodwill for a secret project and then probably get some Wendy's because I'm classy. We'll see how this goes. I got a headache, but I got my secret project purchase and four new (used) puzzles and some dinner made me feel better. The last third or so of the drink is in my fridge for now. I will update if I decide to drink it tonight.

Okay, I finished it eventually after my patented cocktail of sudafed and ibuprofen and a delicious Wendy's salad fixed my headache. It is 2:16 a.m. and I am VERY alert. I even took care of some grownup internet-based business I'd been avoiding. I started a new puzzle and we finished season one of Masters of Sex OMG so good, right? I know I'll never sleep again until it's time for most people to go to work.

OVERALL: Whatever. The caffeine works, the flavor is not so good. I was not "blown away."

Tuesday, December 09, 2014


The terrible one-panel comic Pluggers is the greatest proof that there is no god. Here are some recent examples why.


Is this racist? Sexist? Ageist? I'm not sure, but it seems offensive. Driving a stick shift is not hard, so I don't know why car thieves AS A CLASS wouldn't be able to. I think the real reason he leaves his keys in the car is that no one would ever fucking want to steal that piece of shit pickup that is at least 60 years old and running on fumes and the blood of small children.

Pluggers last had sex during the Carter era, if drunkenly groping each other until they fall asleep counts as "sex" or "getting lucky."

 Pluggers don't understand the passage of time or how quickly pop culture moves.

Pluggers run sketchy, illegal, off-the-books businesses, which makes perfect sense considering their massive drug problems.

Pluggers are stubborn cheapskates who are also bad at repairing small kitchen appliances. TRUE STORY: I bought a used toaster for my ex-boyfriend for Christmas approximately 11 years ago for probably $5 at the Goodwill (he was less than enthused about this gift because he didn't want to "collect things" in his dorm room in some pretentious Marxist kind of way) that I ended up taking and still have to this day and it works fine, but I would buy a new one now if it ever died. End of story.

Pluggers: still, like, what?

Thursday, November 27, 2014

The Tale of the Lost Motivation

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. She lived in a gigantic apartment with two bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, and a kitchen MULTIPLE people could stand and sit in at once. It was a glorious place. "I could finally write my dissertation after two years of ambivalence and procrastination," the princess thought as she arranged her new office, straightening the picture of '90s Hillary Clinton meant to inspire hard work. Her patron (a fantastically bearded man who also happens to be her husband) suggested she stop the receptionist/administrative assistant temping she'd been doing for the last few years while unsuccessfully applying to dozens and dozens of full-time jobs to focus on writing. What an opportunity! Temping is the worst! Being a receptionist is nearly as soul-sucking as being a grocery store cashier!* Writing is the best!

The princess spent her time getting her new apartment all nice, checking many more books out of the library, and talking a big game about this dissertation proposal. She read and took notes and even came up with a possible argument and chapter ideas. "I'm going to write this proposal by Thanksgiving!" she said, thinking maybe she could actually do it. Then she got a little sidetracked sleeping until 2:00 or 3:00 p.m. everyday and helping raising a shit-ton of money for her improv theater, and then struggling to do anything besides lay under a blanket because anxiety is an asshole and does not mix well with food or productivity. Also, winter had arrived in the kingdom of Minnesota. Living in Minnesota is pretty much like living with that one chick from Frozen, but with less singing and very few magical creatures.

So the dissertation proposal has been stalled at one paragraph and now it is Thanksgiving. The princess tries not feel too bad about it because that feeds into the anxiety cycle, which is probably caused by a jealous witch's curse or something. The princess, who is now undeniably completely nocturnal, wants to get writing, for school and for fun. So perhaps a dissertation proposal will materialize by Christmas. This is the new goal. The princess also has plans to write some more vice presidential posts for this blog and to consult with The Sexy Gay Jesus on how to be more fabulous in her everyday life. At the very least, she has an unopened Frost & Glow highlighting set in the bathroom, and everyone knows that being blonder always makes one feel better.

*This is one of her patron's current jobs and one of the princess' former jobs, so she knows what she is talking about.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

Please Give Money to My Improv Theater

Oh hey guys, it's time for me to inundate my 7 friends fans with a coordinated social media fundraising onslaught. It's Improvathon Season, motherfuckers! Here is a thing I wrote with real feelings about why you should consider giving money to HUGE Theater, more specifically, to one of my Improvathon groups because of potential bragging rights:

As you are probably aware, I’ve gotten really into improvising the last couple of years. It is great! I am very good at making things up and I have occasionally been paid to perform. This is all due to a wonderful little place called HUGE Theater in Minneapolis. HUGE is an artist-run theater and a non-profit. I take classes, volunteer, and perform there regularly. It’s like a home away from home, and you all know how much I hate putting on real pants and leaving my actual home, so this is special.

Here are some specific reasons why I love this place:

  • I have made so many friends! I don’t even like people that much (besides you guys, obvs), but in my classes at HUGE and just hanging around the theater, I’ve met so many people who are also weird and creative and want to do stupid projects with me. Who knew I could make new friends?
  • Through taking classes and forming groups and being cast in or asked to be part of shows, I’m now just that many steps closer to stardom. I may not have my own sitcom yet, but getting stage time, performing, and making people laugh--people who PAID to see the show--is an amazing feeling. HUGE has made my comedy dreams (begin to) come true.
  • It’s a good place. The people who run it are kind and generous and amazing performers and mentors. The teachers are excellent. The shows are outrageously good. HUGE is a supportive environment, it’s not a boy’s club or a place just out to make money like a lot of comedy venues. HUGE does what it does for the love of the art of unscripted live theater. That is a priceless gift to give to the Twin Cities, but it is not free to produce!

THUS: HUGE’s biggest fundraiser is each year’s Improvathon, 28 straight hours of improv to support the theater and its mission. It’s coming up next week, November 12-13. I have two groups raising money and performing. I would be eternally grateful if you would support one or both of them by donating to the GiveMN site. All money goes to HUGE. Note: Whenever you actually give, your donation will be held until November 13th, GiveMN’s Give to the Max Day. Unfortunately, we won’t know which groups are leading in donations until then (there are possible prizes and at least bragging rights at stake here).

Of course if you’re in town, you are more than welcome to come see us perform. Shows start at 8:00 p.m. on Wednesday the 12th and go until 11:59 p.m. on the 13th. You can come and donate to the group(s) of your choice at the door.

Please donate to one of my groups here:

Pigmeat: The Improvised Twilight Zone performing at 11:00 a.m. on the 13th


Snack Time performing at 9:00 p.m. on the 13th

Anything you may be able to give would be incredibly well-appreciated. This is a thing that I love at a place that I love and you know I wouldn’t ask if it didn’t mean a lot to me, because there are few things more awkward for me than asking for money and expressing genuine emotions. So thank you in advance, also you are looking really pretty/handsome today, did I tell you that?

Monday, November 03, 2014

TERRIFYING: Lauren Watched the Mulaney Halloween Episode

Motif is convinced their dead neighbor is haunting his room. Mulaney steals the dead guy's jokes because somethingsomething writer job. The girl roommate tries to inherit the dead guy's rent-controlled apartment. Andre trick-or-treats. There's a subplot involving a shiva for the dead guy and missing catering. IT'S SO GOOD AND SO SCARY, GUYS. SCARY GOOD. JK, it's not good.

Lauren Tells You How to Vote 2014!

Oh hey guys, tomorrow's Election Day. There are few things in this world I take seriously. These include the emotional roller coasters of Korean dramas, caffeine, high quality kleenex, and participatory democracy. GUYS, WE CAN VOTE AND IT WILL PROBABLY COUNT. This is, like, a big deal and hating all the candidates is not a valid excuse for opting out. People are terrible but people (remember, corporations also = people) run this country, so you should express a goddamn opinion for once in your life. Even if you think your one little vote cannot possibly make a difference, go cast it anyway. This is AMERICA and our laws and representatives should not be the result of 300 million people saying, "I dunno, who do you wanna vote for?" back and forth.

If you are like, "But I forgot to/never felt like registering to vote" THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE IN THE LIBERAL UTOPIA OF MINNESOTA. Minnesota has same-day voter registration. The requirements are easy, you need an ID and proof of address or another registered voter willing to vouch for your name and place of residence. Here is an easy link to find out your polling place. Those are the practical questions answered about how/where to vote. If you don't live in Minnesota, look up your state's Secretary of State's website and there should be a section on voter information. Another option nationwide is the League of Women Voters' Vote411 site, which provides non-partisan info on registration, polling places, and actual voters' guides. You have no excuses. I was just having some trouble with the state's website, so I'm using my local Ramsey County Elections page to get a personalized sample ballot.

They give a sticker to lord your responsible citizenship over other people with. It's great!

Now I will provide you with my personal voting guide since you are probably still too lazy to do any research and this forces me to do so. (TL; DR vote for all the Democrats)

US Senate- Al Franken (DFL)
Duh. He's the nation's most adorable, hard-working, clever, and did I mention adorable? senator. Let's not let this one be so close, guys. Al Franken: he will take you to the doctor to take out your stitches and also make sure you've got affordable insurance. I've given that guy, like $50 or something and I don't even have a job.

US House District 4- Betty McCollum (DFL)
Vote Betty! She is a badass lady protecting ladyrights all over the place.

Governor and Lt. Governor- Mark Dayton and Tina Smith (DFL)

Attorney General- Lori Swanson (DFL)

Secretary of State- Steve Simon (DFL)
He is the most generic white man you've ever seen, but he promises to protect Minnesota's progressive voting laws and recommends not voting for people who don't want people to be able to vote. I think that's pretty good advice.

State Auditor- Rebecca Otto (DFL)

State House District 64A- Erin Murphy (DFL)
She's the House Majority leader and the MN House has kind of been killing it lately, so let's keep riding that train.

Ramsey County Commissioner District 4- Toni Carter
She's unopposed, but vote for her anyway because she seems pretty cool. She and her son, another local politician, spoke together at the Franken GOTV event I went to a few weeks ago (Oh, Hillary Clinton was there too, NBD.) and they were adorable and they should run for Pres/VP on a Carter/Carter ticket.

County Sheriff- Matt Bostrom

County Attorney- John J. Choi

Conservation District Supervisor District 1- Paul Gardner

Conservation District Supervisor District 4- Carrie Wasley

State Supreme Court Associate Justice 2- Mimi Wright
Her opponent is named "John Hancock" (sure) and has been working as a special agent for the DHS. That makes me nervous for some reason.

State Supreme Court Associate Justice 3- David Lillehaug

Court of Appeals and 2nd District Court judges all running unopposed- vote or don't vote for them I don't care, I'm not finding easy info on these races or candidates.

No ballot measures.

GO VOTE TOMORROW, YOU ASSHOLES. If you don't, a bald eagle will cry. Majestically, sure, but you still don't want that.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

MORE HORROR: I watch episode #2 of Mulaney

I made Isaac watch the second episode of Mulaney with me. It's entitled "The Doula," so you know it's gonna be real good. WOMEN'S BODIES HAHAHAHAHA EW.

Blair Witch Project Digital Giveaway & SPOOKY STORY CONTEST

Oh hey, guys. So this blog has slowly morphed into a horror movie review site, which is GREAT and also totally dissertation research! 'Tis especially the season to get scary. Be sure to check out all my horror blogs at the Horror Classics tag--INCLUDING my live-blog of the 1999 found-footage classic The Blair Witch Project. In partnership with Lionsgate Horror, this here blog is offering one (1) free digital download copy of Blair Witch so you can relive the terror and flannel anytime you want! To make it fair, though, since I'm sure there's going to be a major stampede, I'm making it a CONTEST. Write me a short spooky story in the comments here! The story I determine is the best will win the contest and will receive a digital download code from Lionsgate after November 15. COME ON, SCARE ME.

Here, lookit these trailers for Lionsgate horror movies! I've seen most of these and they are scary and great, for reals. INTERACT WITH THIS BRAND, GUYS.

Stories must be posted by 11:59 p.m., Monday, November 10. Be sure the account you use gives me a way to contact you if you are the winner. Now I'll go back to reading all the spookiness happening at Jezebel (use that shit for inspiration, bro).

NOTE: I am also getting a free digital download copy for posting this. Here are some other rules:
Each household is only eligible to win One (1) Digital Download code for The Blair Witch Project via blog reviews and giveaways. Only one entrant per mailing address per giveaway. If you have won the same prize on another blog, you will not be eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014


Hey, guys. There is a new sitcom on the Fox Network (have you heard of it?) starring "comedian" (I've never heard of him) John Mulaney. The commercials look TERRIBLE. I have decided to subject myself to some of these episodes for the benefit of Personkind. Here I watch the pilot for you. You're welcome.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Film Classics (?): The Godfather Part III

I've heard this one is NOT good, but I did The Godfather and I did The Godfather: Part II, and I have to finish what I've started (HAHAHA JK THAT'S A JOKE ABOUT MY STILL NOT-WRITTEN DISSERTATION). Let's do this thing. Last we saw, it was, like the sixties or something and the Family was based out of Las Vegas and Pacino was hot and wearing luxurious turtleneck sweaters and had to kill his last living brother (who was worthless, we can all agree, I think). Here is 1993's The Godfather: Part III.

Um, their house is now underwater? Or just abandoned. NYC 1979. Al's moved back to New York and wants his kids and ex-wife to come to some kid of church celebration of his charity work. Catholic Latin chanting in a big fancy church. His son and daughter came. Old-ish Al looking sad. Flashback to Fredo saying the Lord's Prayer on a fishing dinghy and getting shot. Ridiculous age makeup on Al. Now in English, some fancy priests put a medal on our kneeling Michael Corleone. Coming in late are a couple dudes in suspicious trench coats. AMEN. Mike has on a pretty fancy pseudo-military outfit. He sees Diane Keaton come in late with her new man, presumably. Connie looks on stoically. NOW THERE'S A PARTY.

Connie leads an Italian singalong. Andy Garcia, wearing a leather jacket is Vincent, and he and his mom are upset they're not on the List. Joe Mantegna and the other dude from the church interrupt awkwardly. The award was St. Sebastian. Mike's press guy doesn't want to talk about his mob/Las Vegas connections. Sofia Coppola, Mike's daughter, hits on Vincent. She's his slutty "little cousin," but won't say who her dad is. IT'S MICHAEL CORLEONE. Mary, the daughter, is the honorary chair(person) of the Vito Corleone Foundation. Vincent's got her number. They're giving $100 million for the poor of Sicily. SHIT. Oh look, it's Johnny Fontane, our favorite mafia-backed crooner. Connie is feeling it, as usual. Michael's new spiky hair is not only not '70s, it's not hot. He greets his ex-wife by the dessert table. She doesn't want cake. Why'd she even come? She's wearing a shiny golden-brown suit. Johnny's lip syncing is no longer so good. Mary is all about this Italian/Catholic shit. Look at that crucifix! Kay and their son Anthony corner Michael in the office to tell him Tony doesn't want to be a lawyer, he wants to be a professional singer. He doesn't want to finish law school and he says he'll never work for his father. "I'll always be your son, but I'll never have anything to do with your business." Michael's pissed. Remember when you yourself said you wouldn't work for your father?

Let's spend a bunch of time on this chick and then abandon her after the first 1/6 of the film!
Kay says Mike's more dangerous now that he's respectable. She says Anthony knows his dad killed Fredo. "I didn't come here to see you protected by your church." Kay doesn't hate him, she "dreads" him. His children, especially Mary, still love him, she says. He says he'll let Tony go to have his own life. Boring business in the back rooms of parties is always the business. Some sexy blonde press lady's been hanging around. She wants an interview with Michael. Vinny is interested. Anthony Spigliero dips his bullets in cyanide, he's some other dude's "bulldog" and is at the party for some reason. An old, old man brings in a present for Michael and greets his goddaughter Connie. He no longer lusts after women and wants to do his duty to god, adding his name to the Foundation with a donation of $1 million. George Hamilton chats with the Cardinal or whatever, they agree to not talk about shareholders or something. A black man in a sweet three-piece appraoches Mike about a judge's election. Mike introduces his godson, a priest, to the Cardinal, saying he wants a place at the Vatican. Grace, the journalist, gives Mike her card, but he blows her off.

Ah, the sweet taste of reconciliation.
Connie greets Vincent as her nephew. Is he Fredo's kid? Or Sonny's? The two mysterious dudes give Michael an Italian-American of the Year Award. Mantegna wants to talk. Vincent Mancini is a "bastard" who "thinks" he's related to Michael, according to this dude. He tells Joe his business is "his" problem. Vincent is Sonny's boy, apparently. Mike wants to know what the deal is between all these dudes. Joe Zasa owns the old Corleone business. Vinny works for him, refused a legit job from Michael. Vinny claims Zasa says "Fuck Michael Corleone" behind his back. Zasa says all bastards are liars, according to Shakespeare. Vinny has a lot of feelings. He wants to work for his uncle now. Michael and Zasa kiss. Michael tells Vinny to, so he makes peace, too. "Bastardo," Zasa whispers in his ear. So then Vinny bites Zasa's ear until it bleeds. That's some Mike Tyson shit. Vinny claims he can protect Mike from his rebellious underlings. Michael invites Vinny to work with him for a few weeks. Who's the new Sonny? BTWs, I used to know two South Asian brothers who went by Vinny and Sonny. Mike invites Vinny into the family photo, which his ex and her husband are also in. Isaac comments on the "serious cake" featuring St. Sebastian. Michael helps a little girl (probs a granddaughter) cut it. Sexy Reporter takes photos as Michael, Mary, and a little girl dance. Son Tony doesn't really look that Italian, I wonder who his real dad is?

Late at night. Cameras on a table. The reporter girl wants Vincent to say he loves her. They've fucked and he has an amazing carpet of chest hair. She puts on his leather jacket to reluctantly get him a glass of water. She hears a noise. A couple of dudes with nylon on their heads have broken in. Vinny sets up a dummy with the sheets in the bed to trick them and manages to grab the leather-pantsed gunman. He holds the one dude at gunpoint as the other one holds the reporter at knifepoint. He cuts her a bit, so Vinny shoots him. The knife guy freaks out, lets her go, and Vinny slaps her ass as she runs away. Vinny wants to know who sent them. It was Joey Zasa. Vinny shoots the second guy, too. Vinny says go ahead and call the police to the reporter lady, but no pictures. Obvs they didn't call them. Mike is pissed about what happened. Connie advocates for Vinny. Mike's not happy because of probes from the Commission (Police Commission). Connie says now they'll fear him. Vinny's wearing a super-long leather jacket.

At breakfast, Michael has a nice stack of pancakes. George Hamilton talks to him about how philanthropy is a good way to keep the government off their backs. Andrew is whatshisname's son, I guess. He's off to the Vatican. The bespectacled Archbishop needs some help from Mike. He's been put in charge of some kind of Vatican Bank. He trusted a friend of his with the money. There's been some embezzlement and he's to blame. He smokes and drops a $700 million deficit number. Mike says it's actually $769 million. The Church owns part of a corporation that is worth a lot of money. The pope himself would have to approve Michael heading up this corporation, Immobiliare, but he can give $500 million to the Vatican Bank if the Church would put him in charge of the company. The AB asks for $600m. This deal will absolve his family's sins, the AB says. Okay, sure. He's got that much money. Corleone Group takes over Immobiliare. Who cares? We're only 43 minutes in, and it's 2 hrs, 50 mins long. After I get through an hour, I might have to stop for a bit.

At a press conference, a reporter asks Mike about the money deposited in the Vatican Bank. "I've always believed helping your fellow man is profitable." YEAH SURE OKAY. Michael is pumped about U.S.-European economic cooperation. Mary has feelings as a crazy dude yells about Michael being a criminal. The board present seems favorable towards recommending Mike due to the Archbishop's recommendation. After the conference, Mary tells her dad that Tony says she's just a front for the Foundation. She loves cross necklaces. Mike claims the foundation is Real. Fucking crappy age makeup. She's asking about what's really going on. He says they're doing it for their children. She wants to be closer to him. They hug and kiss. "I would burn in hell to keep you safe," he says. COOL GOOD DEFINITELY DO THAT.

Outside China Bowl, two cars. The old man has brought Michael a message in their limo, which Vinny is driving. His old partners like the money, but they feel abandoned because they're no longer part of his Family. They want a part of Immobilaire. Mike says it has to be legitimate. But the old partners are unhappy. He cites Vito as a reasonable man. FALSE. Mike says to call a meeting.

Vatican City. Mike arrives just as the pope has fallen ill. His PR manager says there's going to be a press conference. At a long table of Catholic businessmen, some people don't want Corleone to take over. SO BORING WHO CARES. The pope has to ratify. AB says, the pope is sick, we just need to wait. Mike is going to pray for the pope. George Hamilton yells at some dudes on gold couches that they are breaking their deal. What do they want? Mike got Vinny a real suit. Immobilaire wants something something ships in a same direction, it's not personal. I never understood the meetings in the first movie, either. Isaac thinks he was saying the business will continue as usual, but Corleone's name will be on it. Back in NY, Vinny and Mary look at their grandpa Vito's Genco building. They both look and are dressed like the early '90s not the late '70s. The neighborhood's in trouble. Vinny missed growing up with his cousins. Vinny tells Mary that Sonny was once the Prince of the City, and Michael saved the family. He claims Mike didn't really kill his own brother. Technically, he didn't. He just HAD Fredo killed. She believes those are just stories. Garcia looks like a Baldwin here. (Both literally and in the Clueless sense.)

A helicopter over the city at night. Michael tells Vinny that Zasa is NOTHING. "Never hate your enemies, it affects your judgment." They land in Atlantic City. Is this really supposed to be 1979? It looks like a mix of '80s and late'60s. All the ladies are ushered out of the room as Michael arrives at the big meeting. Mike made all these dudes money by selling the casinos. He says their business relationship is over. He's brought them checks; "their shares" in the casinos, without the red tape interfering. Some of the dudes are pumped. Zasa is pissed. His family risked to make money for the rest of the families. Oh yeah, he has a bandage on his ear. Zasa wants to be famous, to be legit, to get a pin from the pope. He takes the blacks and the Spanish into his family because "that is a America." SUPER COOL PROGRESSIVE GOOD JOB. The old man with the fist on his cane wants to talk to Zasa. Zasa says he's been treated with no respect. He didn't get a check. He says the other guys have to choose between Corleone and Zasa. The guys talk to Michael about Immobilaire and pass around a tray of jewelry. Everything shakes. A helicopter approaches the banquet room, now locked shut with handcuffs, as automatic weaponry blasts. Vinny protects Michael like serious. Finally somebody shoots the door open and a few of them escape alive.

CALM DOWN, BRO, you'll give yourself a stroke. (Too soon?)
Vinny breaks into a car to drive Michael away in. Michael lays down in the backseat and they escape as the casino's alarm rings. Lots of dead businessdudes. Back at home, Mike wears a great old man cardigan. He claims Zasa isn't smart enough to pull this move off. Vinny wants to take out Zasa. He's just like his dad! Connie is in on this kitchen meeting. Vinny is too much a hothead. Connie's brooch is huge and majestic. Their fridge is biege. "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in," Michael says. Nobody's happy. He's not sure who's really behind it yet. Michael faints or has a stroke or a heart attack or something. He yells and tries to get away from the guys holding him. Not sure what kind of spell this is. Angry epilepsy? Tourette's? At the hospital, Vinny's brought Mary. Connie says she'll call Kay. WHY?

The AB meets George Hamilton at a hotel. Michael had a diabetic stroke and is in a coma. Hamilton wants to push the Immobiliare deal through. Prayers, too. Mustache guy who's been hanging around seems suspicious. Maybe the Archbishop is behind it all. In a hospital chapel, Vinny, Connie, and someone else in silhouette argue. Connie tells Vinny to "do it," as in, strike back. Next day, Kay's come to the hospital for reasons unknown. She likes seeing him helpless. She actually says this. Tony's going to make an operatic debut in Sicily this Easter. Michael says he'll be there. His kids are here, too, now. Mary's hair is so long. 1:12 and I'm calling it for tonight.

Two days later, trying again. Mary, in a stupid '90s business suit and hat, comes by Vinny's club. She's scared about her dad. She remembers them shooting at her house when she was little. Vinny's going to take care of Mary. Some good chest hair sticking out of his shirt. She'll hang out there and "help him cook." He takes her hand in his to show her how to make this pasta and ends up rubbing it HARD. They say they love each other and start kissing. He picks her up, you know, how people do, and presumably go off somewhere to fuck.

Some sort of street festival. Zasa tells the media "the Mafia" isn't real or some shit. Still got a bandage on his ear like Van Gogh. A very slow street parade that looks kind of depressing. It involves altar boys and some dudes who look like Klu Klux Klan members carrying a Mary statue. You can win this shiny 1979 Cadillac somehow. Some kid sits on the car and scrapes the paint with a key. It's just a distraction. A KKK guy shoots Zasa's bodyguard. Zasa's guys shoot back,. Screaming and running. Zasa runs. Horsecop follows and shoots him twice. Horsecop is Vinny.

In silk PJs, Mike gives Vinny shit about what he's done. "I command this family, right or wrong. It's not what I wanted!" Don't hurt yourself, old man. Sweatervest guy is nervous. Vinny takes his (verbal) whipping, but doesn't really give a shit. Connie's like, "Come on, bro." But they all reluctantly agree they were wrong. Vinny puts his uncle to bed. Mike tells him Sonny's temper clouded his reason, so, like, don't do that. "What are you doing with my daughter?" Vinny smiles and doesn't answer. Mike says something something dangerous. This is a fancy private room. Mike calls him Vincenzo. What a great name. "When they come, they'll come at what you love." Later, super old guy tells Mike to retire on another day. His room is filled with flowers. Seems like he's trying to get Mike to leave the business. His fucking fist cane. "Treachery is everywhere," he warns while looking at Vinny. He and Mike and Connie join hands.

In Sicily. Sheep on the road. A street band. Everybody rushes out to great the Corleones. Remember that time Michael moved there for awhile to hide out after his first murder and married that lady who got carbombed? Yeah. Me too. Pacino's doing a SRS scratchy voice because he's the Godfather. Mike consults with some old Italian guy. Every man in this scene is wearing brown. That may be legitimately '70s. Old wheelchair guy says Lucchesi is the only guy who can bridge Mafia and Vatican worlds. The old guy, Don Tommasino, tells Mike to go talk to some cardinal. Vinny's pretty much Mike's right hand man now. A party. Mike wears dark glasses and is healthy and up and about. He's announcing his son's opera debut. Tony shows up and borrows a guitar and sings his dad a song from the town of Corleone. George Hamilton has never been young nor will he ever get older. He is probably a vampire. During the song, Mike flashes back to his first wedding when he was young and handsome and beaten up. He has feelings. Later, he tells his kids about her. They all wear maroon. Mike tells Mary not to see Vincent anymore. "It's too dangerous," Tony says. She won't obey her dad. Also, her outfit is pure 1990 and she can't really express emotions on camera. (I feel that, bro. I am all deadpan all the time.)

Back at the giant villa, Mary and Vinny listen to loud music and kiss. Mike calls Vinny in while he shaves. He tells Vinny to sell his soul to Don Altobello (old fist cane guy) to betray Mike. He wants to find out how high up Altobello is connected. That mirror is really shitty and stained. Mike says to tell Altobello he wants to run away with Mary and wants the old man to talk to Mike for him. Yeah, I know they're first cousins, but like, they weren't raised together or anything, so just, whatever. Mike tells Vinny to act insulted if Altobello suggests betraying him. But Mary will run everything if Michael dies. CONVENIENT. Altobello introduces Vinny to Lucchesi, some Italian guy. Altobello calls himself a peacemaker as the two men walk away together.

Mike and Tommasino visit the cardinal. The cardinal rambles about Christ, when suddenly Michael starts to have a blood sugar spell. They bring him some orange juice. He should really manage this better. He claims it's the stress. He says he feels bad about the accusations agains the Archbishop and that's what's stressing him. God, remember when Pacino was so young and awkward and sexy. The Cardinal asks if he wants to confess. Mike says it's been thirty years, he'd take too much time, and he's beyond redemption. The cardinal asks everybody else to leave. Mike wonders what the point of confessing is if he doesn't repent. But he's going to do it, I think. He betrayed his wife, himself, he's killed men, including ordering his brother's death. Mike starts to cry. The cardinal says his sins are terrible and he should suffer, but he knows he won't change. So he says a prayer at him. Some bells ring.

Okay, I'm pretty sure THIS is a symbolism.
Pope Paul VI has died. Michael has realized that though he always wanted to rise in society and become legitimate, the highest echelons are just as "crooked." Connie listens to him ramble about Sicilians killing each other and helps him prepare his insulin shot. She's confused that he confessed. He pokes his own belly. Connie says when Fredo "drowned" it was "God's will." Yeah, okay, Connie. She loves Michael and is on his side. They really only have each other, though. They're the only living children of Vito.

Altobello has come to visit some other dude. He compliments the guy's hot son, who he makes do a donkey impression like he used to do as a child. Altobello says he's got a stone in his shoe. "Only one stone?" everyone in 1979 Italy wears brown corduroy at all times, apparently. They cheers to death. Train station. Kay gets off the train and hugs Connie and Mary and shakes Michael's hand. Mary's got a poster for the opera, Cavalleria Rusticana. Mary takes a picture of her parents together while walking. Mike wants to show Kay Sicily. Hitman guy's hot son is hot. I think they're picking out murder costumes. Priest outfit: perfect.

Mike gives Tony a picture he drew for him as a little boy, Mike riding in a car. He says he's proud of him. It's going to be weird when he comes out as gay, though, you have to admit. Tony plays pool with some intimidating bodyguard types. Kay gets in a car to do some sight-seeing and Mike's in the driver's seat. Connie tells Vinny to strike back immediately if anything happens to Michael. FORESHADOWIIIIING? Michael drives Kay into the hills and they walk through an ancient village together. The house where his father was born. God, he's really doing the scratchy voice. They come upon a wedding right there in the ancestral village. Mike tells Kay he won't allow Mary and Vinny to be together. A marionette play where a girl has fallen in love with her cousin and there's a tragic death and something about honor. Michael and Kay awkwardly dance at the wedding party. She reminds him of how he said he wouldn't be part of the family business. She says he sounds like Tony. Some guy gives her flowers. Mike wants Kay to drive now because his eyes aren't great. Tommasino sees two priests walking on the road and offers them a ride, but OOPS he recognizes them as Hitman and his son, they exchange words, and they shoot Tommasino.

Mike shows Kay where he hid out back in the day. They have an awkward lunch. He wants Kay to forgive him for "everything." He claims he got into the business because his family was in danger. This was never his plan. Kay starts to cry. He still loves her and doesn't want her to be afraid of him. She has a husband, bro. She always loved him and always will. The take each other's hands. He still does good sad eyes. A knock at the door. The maid is crying. Don Tommasino's been shot. His guy wants revenge. Kay walks away. Fancy church. Some kind of Vatican vote? Oh, for pope. Oh, it's Lamberto, the guy Mike met with and confessed to. He will be John Paul I. White smoke out of the chimney. Haha, remember when I was working at the Archdiocese during the last pope's election and they rang the goddamn bells for like over an hour straight at the Cathedral across the street. Apparently the head of the Vatican Bank has disappeared with a bunch of money. Mustache guy. He won't answer the AB's call. The AB smokes as hard as he can, talking to Lucchesi saying the new pope has "very different ideas." Ruh-roh. AB prays.

Michael pays his respects at Tommasino's funeral. His death interrupted that conciliatory lunch. RUDE. He hates that Tommasino was loved and that Michael has always been feared. He swears to god on the lives of his children, "Give me a chance to redeem myself and I will sin no more." Really? He has so much guilt. APPROPRIATELY. Vinny comes in to the viewing room. Vinny is rocking that sweet slicked back hair. Michael knows he's in the way of Lucchesi and his people and there's an assassin coming for him. The pope is also in danger. "I tried," Mike says. Vinny wants an order to strike back. Mike has always just wanted out of the business and to have his family safe. Connie comes in as Mike nods. He wants Vinny to take over, but he can't then also have Mary. Vinny agrees to this trade-off. In front of witnesses, he tells Vinny to call himself Vincent Corleone from now on and leaves the room with Connie. The bodyguards call Vinny "Don Corleone" and kiss his hand as Tommasino lies in his casket.

Connie is a badass, take a drink.
Nighttime. The opera. Kay and Michael and Mary arrive to see Tony's debut. The sketchy bodyguard dudes lurk. A priest looks nervous. Don Altobello shows up. He tells Vinny that Michael can't be saved. Altobello wants his answer, but Vinny just says, "Enjoy the opera, it's all taken care of." Connie gives Altobello a birthday present. George Hamilton tells Mike the Pope is doing stuff they like. Various dudes admire Mary. She tries to hit on Vinny. Connie doesn't want to eat the cannoli she gave him. I bet it's poisoned. She takes a tiny bit off the edge. Mary starts to cry as Vinny says it's over and it's his decision, not Mike's. She says she'll always love him. He tears up and tells her to love somebody else. Her earrings are super-long. Mike sees her sad and looks away. Everybody cheerses to Tony and they settle in. Now the concert begins. Mike whispers to Kay and they smile. Vinny stares at the back of Mary's head and they are both sad. Tony sings really pretty-like.

It's some kind of introductory song, he's still backstage and the curtain's closed. A bunch of priests file in late. One of them smirks. A train. There's a guy on it with a box. The guy with the tambourine in the orchestra is super-serious about his job. A real mule is onstage at the opera. Altobello continues to munch on his cannoli. Connie spies him in her opera glasses. YES, ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN. All sorts of maneuvering happens during the show. Smirky priest hides as Vinny walks outside to check in with bodyguards. I guy's come to the Vatican to see Lucchesi with a "message from Michael Corleone." An usher asks smirky priest what he's up to as he wanders and the priest stabs him. He turns his walkie talkie on to only hear the opera noise and finds a stash of rifles. Other bodyguard guy notices his pal is gone and is suspicious. Back at Lucchesi's, Vinny's man gets the patdown. Tony is killing it onstage at the opera. Mike and Kay are loving this shit. This is a rude place to do this, smirky priest guy. Long-haired security guys are in crisis management mode. Oh, here's the train guy. He's got a gun in his tin of cookies and candy.

Vinny thinks his cousin is doing a great job on stage. Smirky priest aims his rifle at Michael in the center box. Long-hair may be on to him. He finds his stabbed compatriot. Poor Tony, he just wants to sing, not be wrapped up in a bunch of vendetta-based murders. Great shot of proud Mike with stone-faced Vinny over his shoulder. The long hairs successfully corner the priest. Or do they? He's stabbed them both. UH-OH. There's a gun onstage, I suspect when it goes off, the sniper will snipe. The Corleones close their accounts. The mustachioed Swiss banker's going to get killed. Train guy is going to fuck up the Archbishop. The banker gets smothered with a pillow right as he's about to commit suicide next to a pile of money.

Onstage, some KKK-hooded procession guys carry flowers and somebody's going to die. George Hamilton comes to tell Michael something's wrong. His godson priest takes his place next to Kay. The sniper is pissed. The guys tell Michael there's a plot against the new pope. Upset smirky priest switches guns with a prop guy, I think? A nun finds the pope dead (poisoned tea, I think). Guys in black KKK outfits carry in a Christ on a crucifix. I don't get Catholicism. Mary is crying. Vinny rubs her shoulder and Michael settles back into his seat. Connie watches as Altobello continues to chow down. Guys in creepy skull masks onstage with altar boys. I really don't get whatever this festival is. Connie watches as something happens to Altobello and whispers for him to sleep. Oh, I have earrings kind of like hers!

The one guy gets in to see Lucchesi as somebody chases the Archbishop up some stairs and Tony continues to sing dramatically. Train guy's got his gun and sees the AB in purple. Michael's message for Lucchesi has to be whispered in his ear. The guy's been checked for weapons, how will he do it? Train guy "pssts," the AB turns and is shot and falls down some stairs. Whispered: "Power wears out those who don't have it." He pulls off the Archbishop's glasses and stabs him in the neck while the security guys shoot him. Mustachioed guy hangs from a bridge. Lucchesi is all bloody from the neck. That's like some Breaking Bad simultaneous assassination shit right there.

The audience goes crazy for Tony. His family is so proud. Vinny hugs the fuck out of his cousin afterwards. They're all so happy and not dead. Mary wants to talk to Vinny, but it's not a good time. Vinny hears the twin bodyguards are dead, so they're going to rush the family to the car before the cops arrive. Smirky priest pretends to join his friends after the show. Hot assassin's son is on hand on the steps of the theater. Mary asks her dad why he's doing this, as in, ruining her life. The hitman's son does the donkey noise and plays with a gun. Sofia Coppola's not a good actress. The priest shoots Michael while he's talking to Mary. Vinny shoots him back. Michael's only been hit in the shoulder, but it's gone through Mary's chest and she says, "Dad?" and falls to the red-carpeted stairs. Kay starts to scream. Michael is broken. Either we can't hear it, or he's just screaming silently and drooling. Okay, now the sound's coming out. I guess sometimes when you sob, it's silent part of the time. Connie cries and puts her black shawl over her head. Where the fuck are the cops? Oh, here they are.

Flashback to when Michael danced with Mary at the big event at the beginning. So much hair. Just like his first wife at their wedding. Then Kay at a family party. All his ladies get destroyed. Later, a super age-make-upped Michael puts on sunglasses and wears a great hat/grandpa cardigan combo in a yard in Italy. He falls asleep or dies. Oh, he's dead, falls off the chair. Dog is unconcerned.


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Pluggers Still Live Lives of Not-Quiet-Enough Desperation

My friend Kash specifically requested a Pluggers rage post, as it's been awhile. Guys, this comic still exists and is still terrible. Here are some recent "high"lights.

All right, well, Pluggers want to/definitely have at least seriously contemplated fucking their cars.

A Plugger will LITRALLY murder you if you sit in his goddamn recliner. Pluggers didn't fight Charlie to be displaced by a coupla good-fer-nothin brats who only want to play their video games all day long.

Um, I think I've done this improv scene. I guess it was more authentic than I thought.

DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS. Pluggers, you need help. There's no possible way you could have that many health problems to need that many prescriptions and still be alive. Either you're zombies held together by strong chemical meds and/or you are in a constant buzzed haze of drug-induced confusion and dry mouth. Which would actually explain a lot of these submissions.

Listen guys, I don't drink coffee, but I really don't get this. I mean, she didn't ask for an iced drink, right? But is this just a "joke" about how before the birth control pill was invented, Chicken Plugger Lady had like 12 kids to chase around by herself because husbands don't do "childcare" and never quite got to her morning coffee until it was cold? Because I'm pretty sure what this younger lady is ordering is, like, full of sugar and cream and shit and not just room temperature shitty instant black coffee you bought at Kroger. Nice touch with the mom capris (or "mompris" as I like to call them) on the Chicken Lady, though. Respect.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Sci-Fi Classics: The Terminator

Okay, I've never seen this shit and this disc has been sitting here for over a month, so it's time I guess: The Terminator (1984).  Hadn't gotten to it in the past three decades, I guess.

Cheesy dark post-apocalyptic landscape. A model tank rolls over skulls on the ground. Robot things shoot lasers. Ships in the sky shooting lasers. "The machines rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire" says the screen text. The machines are going to come back to our time to destroy humanity once and for all or something. Pretty sweet '80s special effects.

Okay, post-credits I believe we're in the present day. Los Angeles 1984 1:52 a.m. A guy driving a dump truck is picking up garbage. Apparently he missed a bunch on the ground, too. Now the trash is blowing and his truck is being struck by lightning or something. On the ground nearby we see NAKED SCHWARZENEGGAR! He does not have the body of a real person. Remember when he was governor of California? How does a guy have muscles like that? More ass shot as he walks to the edge of the building and observes the city lights. Drunk punks fight over an observatory thingy. Is that one guy the alien bounty hunter? Blue hair might be Bill Paxton. [I checked, it was.] Naked Dude demands their clothes. There's resistance and then stabbing.

Like L.A.'s homeless population doesn't have enough problems as it is.
In a trash-filled alley, a drunk bum tries to avoid more lightning. Another naked dude appears on the pavement. HOT. Apparently time travel gives this guy a five o-clock shadow and back scars. Very brief ass shot. He gets pants from the bum and cops start to chase him because he's a naked guy in an alley, I guess. He is too fast for L.A.'s finest. He jumps out on the cop and demands the date from him at gunpoint. May somethingth, but he doesn't get the year before the squad car pulls up. He runs into some kind of giant department (thrift?) store or something. I hope he finds a nice ladies' jacket to transfer his soul into. Conveniently this place is full of clothes and some sweet Nike shoes for him. Our blond no-longer naked guy climbs off the fire escape like he's in fucking Cirque du Soleil and steals a shotgun from the cop car. How does he know how to use all this antique weaponry? Did they make you take that class before you're allowed to time travel? He just looks like a really ripped bum with no shirt under his trench coat now. He also apparently knows how to use a phone book. WHAT IS THIS, THE '80S? Oh yeah, it is.

In the most '80s scene possible, our heroine pulls up to work at the burger place on her scooter with AMAZING high-waisted, pleated, black acid washed Guess jeans. She's our Sarah Connor. Schwarz shows up somewhere with a giant chain/studded leather jacket that somehow fits him, breaks the window on a car, and is able to basically hot-wire it. Sarah Connor is bad at waitressing/the customers are all assholes. So much feathered hair. A small child puts ice cream in her apron pocket. Awesome. Fellow waitress: "Look at it this way, in 100 years, who's gonna care?" Schwarz goes into a gun store to buy some guns, included an Uzi. He's very familiar with these guns. The store owner tells him there's a 15 day wait on handguns, but rifles can be bought right now. OBVIOUSLY, GUN LAWS YOU MAKE SENSE/KEEP ERRYBODY SAFE. Meanwhile, Schwarz loads the Uzi and blows the clerk away. In an alley, the blond guy saws off his rifle. Schwarz throws a guy who I'm pretty sure is Hagrid out of a phone booth and looks up Sarah Connor in the phone book, too. He pulls up to a house and a small dog barks, like, a bunch. A lady opens the door but doesn't take the chain off. He breaks in anyway as she identifies herself as Sarah Connor. He shoots her in the head.

First I have to travel through time and battle a cyborg, THEN I have to be a sexy space marine and fight slimy aliens. Ugh.
At the burger place, Sarah's friend is like, "The murder news is about you!" Her friend is a dick. Blondie hot wires a car by a sketchy construction site. The interior is so delightfully maroon. He is intrigued by the big crane that the humans can still manage to control. He imagines many, many skulls being crushed in the future by the robots. He's back there now, fighting in the man-machine war. I don't understand how so many people could have been standing in the same place and got their heads blown off largely intact but also in a pile. Blondie and some lady soldier are fighting and hunker down in the ruins with some other grizzled looking dudes. They throw some kind of explosive cartridges at the big robot. The lady gets caught and lasered, but then the cartridges explode and the robot thing blows up. Somebody picks up Blondie in a trashed old car with a laser gun attached to it. A laser plane shoots and chases them. Blondie crashes. He wakes up from his flashback holding his sawn-off shotgun in an '80s car.

Sarah and her friend are getting ready to go out. Sarah wears a sweet Jetsons nightshirt. A creep says gross sexy things on the phone. It's her roommate's boyfriend. GROSS. Ask first with land lines. An amazingly grizzled looking cop stirs coffee while crazies crazy in the police station. The good android from Aliens is his assistant or something. OMG, back at the girls' apartment, their hair is so fucking tall. Sarah has a lizard named Pugsley. Uh-oh, they listen to answering machine messages and Sarah's date's cancelled. She dresses down to go to a movie by herself as the sleazy boyfriend shows up to pick up Ginger. Sarah's scooter is parked in a very sketchy parking garage. Her silk violet Members Only-type windbreaker is the '80sest thing to ever happen. Blondie is watching and follows her out. I believe he's here to protect her from Schwarz because of how I've managed to soak up some of this plot over the last 30 years without ever actually seeing the movie.

The cops are trying to get hold of all Sarah Connors, I think. Nobody answers at our girl's place because Ginger's got her headphones on while her boyfriend fucks her and the phone rings in the other room. Another Sarah Connor's been killed according to the news at the pizza place where our girl is eating alone. FUCK. She goes to the phone book to see that she's the next Sarah Connor listed, I think. Blondie's watching and following. Of course he freaks her out because of his trench coat and sketchy looks. She ducks into a club called "TechNoir" and has to pay a cover charge to come in and use the phone. The '80s are happening all over this place. She tries to call the police, but all their lines are busy, apparently. Schwarz shows up at her apartment building. In her little purple silk short robe and listening to her walkman still (with a shoulder strap), Ginger dances out of the bedroom where her boyfriend's crashed. Pugsley scares her in the kitchen. Schwarz comes in the open sliding glass door. The boyfriend, in sweet striped briefs, attempts to fight him off, but he's not going to win. Ginger can't hear, I guess. Her boyfriend gets thrown out, all bloody, and she attempts to run away as Schwarz shoots her. Phone books: both too much and not enough information. He shoots her a shit-ton of times. Sarah calls and leaves a message on the answering machine and Schwarz hears it and figures out he didn't actually get Sarah.

Pretty much just like this.
Sarah finally gets through to a detective on the phone and he's going to send a car for her. I'd get drunk now. Why not? She's about to die. Any bar that has a chain link fence wall is amazing. Schwarz smashes the fist of the bouncer after not paying the cover. Sarah drinks Canada Dry. She knocks it over at a perfect moment and Schwarz misses seeing her as she's leaned over. She sees Blondie though and is scared. Schwarz spots her, in slow motion, Blondie gets him first. Gunshots. Schwarz isn't dead. Sarah runs. Schwarz just kind of shoots indiscriminately as the club empties out. Blondie is apparently trained for guerrilla warfare. He pumps some into Schwarz . BULLETS HAVE NO EFFECT, TAKE A DRINK. He tells Sarah to come with him if she wants to live, and they run out the back. Her jeans are amazingly terrible. Schwarz's vision is infrared or some shit. Blondie ignites some gasoline with his gun, but Schwarz jumps on their car and punches through the windshield at her. The cops show up as they manage to throw him off. The cop who thinks this was a hit and run gets thrown out of his car by our cyborg friend. Schwarz is now in auto pursuit.

In the Connor car, Sarah starts to freak out and Blondie tells her to do exactly as he says. He's driving on the sidewalk without his lights on. SAFE. He says he's Reese, here to protect her from a termination order. He explains that Schwarz is a Terminator, a machine, not a man. She has to live. Actually, Term's not a robot, but a cyborg. The cops catch up with them since they think they were involved in a hit and run. Chase through sketchy alley. Reese does some sweet driving to get away. I'm glad we went 40 minutes without knowing his name. The outside of the Terminator is flesh, the inner part is just machine. These new machines look human, unlike the earlier versions. Sarah says they can't make those things yet. He tells her it's from 40 years in the future. She tries to run. Reese grabs her and calms her down. He's not sure if he can stop the Terminator with their old-timey weapons, but I believe they'll figure something out.

Reese and Sarah sneak around the parking garage looking for another vehicle to get away in. When did he get a shirt? Sarah: "Why me?" Reese explains there's a nuclear war in a few years and almost everything is destroyed. Defense network computers turned on humanity. Reese says he grew up after the war, starving, hiding from robotic killers, etc. He's got a barcode on his arm. Some humans were kept alive for slave labor. "There's some subtle Holocaust parallels here," Isaac says. Somebody taught them to fight back: Sarah's unborn son John Connor. Uh-oh, Terminator's rolled into the parking garage and starts shooting at their car. Reese accidentally hits the cop car and it follows him out, but Terminator's following them both, just shooting and driving. No other cars on the road in L.A. at like 11 p.m. or whatever, I guess. Oh, there's one. Reese yells for Sarah to drive as he stands out the window and shoots. The cop car hits a wall. More cops show up. Reese wants to fight, but Sarah convinces him they'll kill him if he tries. The police approach the crashed cop car and find nothing and no one.

Grizzled black detective guy comes to comfort Sarah. He's smoking hard. She's just found out her roommate and her sleazy boyfriend are dead and she cries like a human BABY. Dr. Silverman, a criminal psychologist, is apparently evaluating Reese's case now. Schwarz climbs into an empty apartment. His left eye's all bloody and he has some other injuries, but I feel like the robot parts can fix that shit pretty easily. He cuts through his own arm wound with an Xacto knife, takes some scissors, and fucks with his arm movement metal thingies. Under interrogation, Reese tells us he fought 2021-27 before coming here. The detectives are like, whatever okay sure. Do not like. Dr. Silverman is trying to follow Reese's story. Connor sent Reese back into the past to protect his mother. The time travel facilities were destroyed, though, so they're stuck there and nobody else can come back.

Terminator does surgery on his own eyeball. Yucccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkk. We see a laser eye behind his clearly fake face. He puts on terrible sunglasses to cover it. He's got some guns stashed under the mattress here somehow. Reese says he couldn't bring weapons because only living flesh can go through time. Reese is frustrated because the Terminator will get Sarah. Sarah is freaked out watching the video of Reese's interrogation. She's going to fuck him and create John Connor, right? Sarah's mom is going to come and comfort her. The detective claims she'll be safe sleeping on the couch in the lounge at the police station. NO, SHE WON'T.

Doc Silverman gets a page as Terminator walks in wearing a new sweet leather jacket. He claims he's Sarah's friend and wants to see her. The cop at the desk says he has to wait, but Terminator says, "I'll be back" and stalks out. A few minutes later, desk guy fills out forms as Terminator crashes into the front office with a car. Sarah awakens, terrified, of course. Termy just walks down halls shooting everybody. Det. tells Sarah to "stay here" in a back room. Termy breaks a main electrical line and the lights go out. Reese manages to overpower his interrogators and break out. Hot good Aliens android guy is hot. In a hot creepy way. Termy just shoots and shoots. Bullets have no effect, officer. Detective gets killed trying to shoot him. Skinny hot android dude, too. Sarah hides under a desk. A punch through the glass. It's Reese. Sweet, sweet synthesizer as they escape through a burning and destroyed police station. They drive off in an awesome brown Gremlin. Terminator follows on foot, walking. Real villains don't have to run, DUH.

Sarah and Reese have run out of gas in the woods. They push the Gremlin off the road and head into some kind of sketchy tunnel with a flashlight from the car. She shivers and he comes over to warm her up. His first name is Kyle. He says going through time, there's a white light and pain. She finds he's bleeding. She wants to treat his wound, if you know what I mean. He claims it's not a big deal. She's grossed out as she cleans his wound and wants him to talk to distract her. She asks about her son. He's got her eyes. Kyle would die for him. They don't know who the father is because it's KYYYYYYYLE, obvs. He volunteered to come back to protect her because she's such a legend. She says she can't be the "mother of the future" because she can't even balance her checkbook. She doesn't want this "honor." Her son's message is basically like, "Good luck." Kyle compliments her field dressing. Is she not wearing a bra? Impractical. She wants to know where he's from. He describes how they hide during the day.

FLASH FORWARD. These shitty scale models are MAZIN. The survivors are up to something. They have military dogs, apparently. We see some shabby looking kids hiding underground in their headquarters. Looks pretty grim. A little girl watches as a fire burns inside a TV set. Crying. A kid stabs a rat to eat. Reese sits down and finds a picture of Sarah in his pocket to stare at. Interesting. A Terminator has broken into their place and just shoots errybody. Reese shoots back. His picture of Sarah falls in the fire. Her face melts away. Back to the past, she wakes up in his arms. HOT. She was dreaming about dogs. Canines can sense the Terminators--OBVIOUSLY. Do they really need help with that? Because, like, Schwarzeneggar does NOT look like a real person. Anyway, Sarah and Kyle emerge from whatever abandoned building they were sleeping in. They should both shower and then fuck.

Back in his sketchy apartment (How did he get an apartment? Did he kill a guy? He probably just killed the guy who lived here, right?), an even-worse-looking Termy leafs through Sarah's day planner. RUDE. I think his face might be rotting. He selects an address to go find her. Sarah and Reese check into the Tiki Motel with sweet wood paneling. It's got a kitchen, which is apparently necessary. He's going out for supplies, but leaves her a handgun. He's so '80s hot. She's on the phone with her mom, and doesn't want to tell her where she is. Finally she gives in, but it's Termy mimicking her mom's voice to get the phone number. BAD DECISION. Reese brings home supplies for plastique, which I'm assuming is an explosive. Termy heads their way on a motorcycle. Fun bomb-building. Best first date ever, amirite?

Later, she knows they'll be found and "it will never be over." He's shirtless and she says he must be disappointed because she's scared and shaking, not a real badass. She asks about his girlfriend in the future. He claims there wasn't anyone special. Ever. She feels really bad for him. "Pain can be controlled," he says. He tells her about the picture. "I came across time for you, Sarah. I love you. I always have." He regrets saying it, but she's like, "Whoa," basically and starts kissing him. He kisses her back SO HARD because that's how they do it in the future. He holds onto those sheets so hard as they fuck. Ladyboobs. They clench each other's hands. HOT. Isaac thinks Termy's outside jerking off. NOPE, he's still motorcycling towards them. They're getting ready to leave. They hear a dog bark and know he's near now, because dogs have no other reasons to bark. Termy busts in to shoot, but they've already run out. They steal a guy's truck and ram Termy with it and then drive away.

This musicccccc. He chases them on the motorcycle and shoots at them. Reese switches with Sarah so she's driving as he lights one of their bombs and somehow neither of them has been shot. He says to drive faster and he throws back an explosive, then another. Terminator keeps missing them. Kyle gets shot. Sarah tries to knock Terminator off his bike with the truck, but then flips the truck. Terminator gets hit by a semi-truck, but he holds onto a pipe and is apparently okay. Sarah watches from the crashed pickup. Termy scares the passenger in the semi with his fucked up face. Sarah starts dragging Kyle's body out as Termy turns the oil tanker around to hit them. They get out just in time. Kyle is awake again and throws a pipe bomb in the truck's exhaust pipe. Sarah continues to run and Kyle jumps in a dumpster. EXPLOSION. Termy burns something serious, but continues to roll around a bit. Sarah breathes hard. She and Kyle find each other in the smoke. He collapses. She thinks they've won. WRONG.

A super-gigantic metal robot skeleton emerges jerkily from the flames because '80s animation and they run. The metal Termy limps a bit. Terrible special effects, take a drink. Sarah and Kyle hide in some kind of underground factory or something. He turns on the equipment to interfere with Termy's tracking capabilities. Kyle collapses as Termy punches through the door. She yells, "Move it, Reese. On your feet, soldier!" HOT. I'm a little bit concerned right now. I have anxiety. I want Sarah and Kyle to be able to bang more than once, you guys. FUCKING FUTURE STOP FUCKING WITH OUR LOVE LIVES UNLESS IT INVOLVES SENDING HOT DUDES BACK WHO ARE ALREADY IN LOVE WITH US THEN OKAY BUT NO ROBOT WARRIORS. Isaac: "Hey, remember when there was actually industrial production in the U.S.?" NOT REALLY, I was less than a year old when this movie came out. Also, too soon.

This really just reinforces my "no touching" policy here.
The Termy's on them, Kyle tells Sarah to run as he starts to beat him with a pipe. He's losing, but he finds his last pipe bomb and puts it in the robot's side. SPLODEY. Nice. Sarah's okay, but her leg is hurt. She pulls a piece of metal out. That's not smart if you don't have immediate first aid. She pulls herself over to Kyle. Who is probs dead. Yep. Terminator is NOT DEAD, however. His upper body army crawls after the injured Sarah. He approaches her quickly on a conveyor belt. She climbs into a duct or something, maybe as his metal hand grasps at her foot. I think the hands are the coolest part of the Terminator. She comes out the other side and slams some bars in front of him. She reaches for a button and says "You're terminated, fucker." Lightning as he is smooshed by the machine. His eye lights go out. She's all "traumatized" or whatever. Sirens outside. She cries on a stretcher as Kyle is zipped up in a body bag.

Desert, mountain nature scene. Pregnant Sarah records tapes for her as-yet unborn sun. She's got a sweet jeep, a dog, and a gun on hand. Her jeep says "RENEGADE" on the side. She attempts to to speak Spanish to the gas station guy. She goes ahead and tells John on the tapes that Kyle is his dad. A little Mexican kid with a Polaroid takes "the" picture. THERE'S A STORM COMING. You said it, niƱo. Sunglasses, drives away. Dark clouds over these Mexican mountains that are clearly painted.

I couldn't help myself.

Hey! Better than I expected.