Energy Drink Review: Rockstar Super Sours Green Apple

My prediction is that this will be kinda gross like the other Super Sour flavor, but I'm just going to make sure. FOR SCIENCE. And for you, dear readers. It's all for you. Here goes my take on this Super Sour Green Apple concoction:

FLAVOR: It is green apple "with other 'natural' flavors" [dick fingers added]. It's definitely green apple-y! A little intense, but not bad. I like to drink the occasional hard cider bev, and this does not taste too different. I would not say "super" sour, just, like, the flavor of green apples. Even as it warmed up, it still tasted pretty good. I think I like this one.

EFFECTIVENESS: It is pretty good. I'm definitely feeling up a bit. I really got to cut back on my at-home caffeine intake, though, because otherwise I'm going to have to drink like three energy drinks a day to just stay awake at my desk, and I will probably give myself a heart attack before age 30 (four more months!).

Update: the caffeination level still seems pretty good. I am definitely more wakeful now, but still unmotivated to edit a cover letter that's due today or to write about anything besides energy drinks or to not hate other people simply for existing near me. It always cracks me up that Rockstar says its products are "designed for those who lead active lifestyles." HAHAHAHA. Active! I am actively awesome, but that's about it. I do most of my awesoming from a desk or a couch or on my living room floor doing some weird LSD-inspired fairy jigsaw puzzle I bought at the Goodwill.

Overall: RECOMMENDED.

Energy Drink Review: Monster Ultra Blue

Full disclosure, guys, I've had this, but only with booze inside, and not for daytime work energizing purposes. So I'll pretend I haven't tried it yet. This blue drink (it really is, like, sky blue!) is apparently in honor of mountain towns where Monster bros go snowboarding and whatnot. ULTRA BLUE, Y'ALL. It's got zero sugar and zero calories; therefore, it doesn't exist. I should have told that to my dentist when he told me to try to cut back on the soda. Well, mister, or rather DOCTOR, I'm going to pay you $300 I don't really have to fill a bunch of cavities next week (this is even with part of it being covered by my shitty student insurance), not to tell me what to drink. GEEZ. Anyway, show, road, etc.:

Isn't it pretty?

FLAVOR: It's kind of a blue raspberry-y taste. I think it's quite delicious.

EFFECTIVENESS: About halfway through, and I'd say it's got about the same amount of kick as your average Monster drink. Which is to say, a pretty good level of caffeination.* I nearly feel like hittin' the slopes, you guys! HAHA JUST KIDDING, I never want to hit the slopes. I went skiing once in junior high and I was terrible. I slid (slowly) into a tree and at one point lost one of my mom's sweet '70s skis down the mountain on a course that was a little too steep for me to be attempting. Also, it was hard. I think I'm just not cut out for winter sports. I've been ice skating twice and I suck. You'd think all those skills I built up over the years of pretending to be a figure skater on rollerblades in my parents' driveway would have directly transferred to the ice. Not so.

Actually, I'm nearly done with it now, and I don't feel particularly peppy. Is it my existential angst, which my mom thinks I should try to cure with Tylenol**? Is it because I've been drinking energy drinks around the house with vodka more often, so my tolerance is rising again? It is hard to say. Maybe I should have chugged all 16 ounces in less than this whole last hour.

Whatever, it's still good. RECOMMENDED with the caveat that it will not cure mood disorders. SORRY, GUYS.

*This does not look like a word. It's a word, isn't it?
**From that link: could Tylenol really cure the pain of watching a David Lynch movie? Maybe anything but Eraserhead. God, I hate that movie.

Pluggerwugger

Oh yeah, I still have this blog. I've been pretty busy not getting a real job or making any progress on putting together a dissertation committee, and also breaking my glasses in half and then breaking my bank account and my credit card to buy new ones, so sorry I haven't been around to amuse you. I think we can all agree that though my life is kind of overwhelmed by important milestones and worthwhile activities right now, Pluggers  is still a beautiful, terrible, easy, easy target.

I don't think I get it. Are her baby and giant baby bag supposed to be "balanced"? Because the bag looks heavier. Or are they talking about how "balanced" it is for ladies to work a shift at work and then come home to the domestic "second shift"? Either way, hilarious! (?)

To give these guys the benefit of the doubt, you have to remember the massive amounts of glue they've huffed together over the years. #BFF #YOLO #AerosolCansFTW

I don't think there are that many jobs (anymore) where people don't call you by your first name. I mean, at least your coworkers do, right? Also, if dead-end service industry jobs full of overly-familiar and entitled asshole customers make you a Plugger, then I suppose all of America are Pluggers now.

Hahaha, Pluggers live paycheck-to-paycheck!

I am a fucking Plugger. Dammit, this was supposed to be fun, not depressing.

Mustache wax?! Look at this fucking hipster.

Energy Drink Review: Vuka Think

This is purple.

At the fancy Kowalski's Market, I picked up yet another new energy drink. WILL THEY EVER STOP MAKING NEW ONES? Probably not, America. Probably not. This Vuka "intelligent energy" claims it will give me "energy to replenish mental alertness during the marathon of a busy day." Did you have to say "marathon," Vuka? TOO SOON. Anyway, I grabbed the "Think" variety for mah brainz. Apparently "vuka" is Zulu for "wake up." HOW DIVERSE!

FLAVOR: The flavor is supposed to be pomegranate and lychee (AKA fancy white people fruits). Tart fruitiness, lightly carbonated. Not great, not bad. It is decidedly OKAY in flavor.

EFFECTIVENESS: I had to get up early today (like, before 10 a.m. EW), so I'm pretty tired. It does seem to be helping some, but not a huge boost. Probs because it's missing taurine and has something called "grape seed extract" in it instead. Whatever that is. It's supposed to "stimulate," not merely caffeinate me. This is not especially effective for caffeineheads like me who enjoy the taste of chemicals.

OVERALL: Not that good. That's what I get for grabbing some healthy crap out of the cooler.

Energy Drink Review: Limelite Fusion Energy Drink

It's been SO LONG since I reviewed an energy drink. HAHA NO, but seriously you guys this is the only kind of updating I can get myself to do, so let's just be happy about that and move on. Isaac spotted this latest adventure on the bottom shelf at the Rainbow Foods: Limelite Fusion. It's got kind of an Ed Hardy vibe about the can decor, which is A REALLY GOOD SIGN. Obvs. It claims to be "citrus berry," "sugar free," and also "the healthy alternative." It is from Wisconsin, like many of my favorite things, and can be purchased at Milwaukee Brewers baseball matches. Also, lots of athlete bros have been poorly photographed drinking it, but I have to admit, Limelite Fusion, you had me at Reggie Miller. That guy is DREAMY and also apparently plays some intense table tennis.

This is some baseball guy.

It lists lots of vitamins and shit listed on top of the can, so I was worried it would try to actually give me energy "naturally" with things that are good for me (like 800% of my daily vitamin B12 requirement--am I going to OD?), but there is caffeine and taurine, etc. in it too. PHEW. I like the sound of "citrus berry," so let's give this drink a shot! Maybe it will actually promote a "healthy lifestyle" for me! HAHA obviously not, but nice try, Milwaukee Brewers energy drink or whatever.

FLAVOR: Oh my gosh, you guys, it's really good. Both citrus AND berry! Who knew? (I mean, the company knew and technically anyone who can read knew, but still, it actually tastes like those things.) The longer you drink it, the more it kind of just tastes citrus-y like your typical energy drink, but I think it's still got a nice berryish edge to it.

EFFECTIVENESS: I think it's working guys. I'm drinking it pretty fast since it tastes kind of like magic. I'm still catching up on Twitter from the past 20 hours, so the fact that there are 83 new Tweets since I started scrolling through is making me a little nervous, but my brain is working a bit faster with Limelite's helps, so that is good. **WOMEN'S HEALTH ALERT: Go read Irin Carmon on Gosnell, because that is what all the peoples (feminists) are talking about today, apparently because pro-lifers just discovered the case.** Okay, I can really tell I'm getting hyped up because when I got a message in Outlook for a meeting room reservation, I clicked on "Accept" and "Send confirmation now" or whatever and in my head I was like, "I'll accept you. I'll accept the fuck out of you!"

Guys, look at all the douchebro and lady douchebro clothes from the Affliction line associated with this drink! I will be ordering this lovely dress next-day delivery so I can wear it to my job interview Monday:

It is $210, so I'm guessing the fabric is made of diamonds or something. Totes worth it for the clear versatility of this garment.

Anyway, enough of that fun. This brand is ridiculous, obvs. But the drink OVERALL: Recommended. Tasty and effective.

On Marriage Equality

Years ago, one of the last times I agreed to go to church with my parents and actually stayed past the main Sacrament Meeting, I ended up in a Relief Society (ladies') meeting praising marriage and traditional gender roles and blahblahblah. The lesson and discussion flirted with the topic of gay marriage, and I told myself that if that’s where the conversation actually ended up going, I would get up and leave. I suppose luckily, it didn't. Later that day, my mom and sister and I were talking about the lesson. My mom asked if I was in favor of gay marriage and I said, “Of course.” I was greatly heartened that my sister, a student at BYU and faithful church member at the time, said that there was really no constitutional basis for denying marriage equality.

A few years after that, a gay woman married me to my husband. I don’t know if she wants to get married, but if she did want to, she couldn’t do it in the state she lives, the state she is legally allowed to marry heterosexual couples in, or the state my husband and I currently live in. This is clearly bullshit. Isaac and I made a commitment to one another, legally bound by the authority of our dear friend, who should with no reservations have the same right (/rite). Here in its entirety, recently dug up from the camera of another friend, is our amazing, perfect, so us wedding ceremony:


It could've been gayer, but at least we played Lady Gaga at both the reception and the drunken afterparty, right? BTWs, this message is approved by both me and the Sexy Gay Jesus because LOVE.


UPDATE: I be-YouTubed the video so everybody could love it and share it.

Energy Drink Review: M-150

This is what it looks like. May be actual can size, depending on the size of your screen.

Guys, remember that time I had that weird Thai energy drink created by some weird Thai rock star? Yeah, that was pretty cool. Well, the research was cooler than the drink. But I was wandering through the "ethnic foods" aisle at my local Rainbow grocery store and saw next to the Carabao energy drinks the M-150. According to M-150's parent company, Osotspa, M-150 is pretty much the most popular energy drink in Thailand. They claim that "It holds 60% of the energy drinks market and is distributed in more than 95% of retail outlets throughout Thailand." And also, apparently it's been around since 1970 and the company started out marketing pharmaceuticals to dysentery-ed soldiers and were granted some royal titles or something and whoa. I still don't know what "M-150" is supposed to stand for. But basically I'm going to have a super-authentic Thai beverage drinking experience right now.

I had a pretty long day yesterday what with an early morning JOB INTERVIEW and then after working at my regular job ROCKING THE FUCK OUT OF the student showcase for my beginning improv class and then getting drunk and falling asleep on my couch, so I'm a bit tired. HAHAHA, I'm always tired, but I wanted to tell you guys about my bizarrely busy Tuesday. Anyway, I'm tired, let's try this shit.

FLAVOR: The sheriff's badge on the can has the words "devotion, courage, sacrifice" written on it, so I'm going to assume that's a description of the flavor. It's pretty sweet, but with kind of a classic citrus-y Red Bull-type edge. It would be a lot less syrupy if it was more carbonated, but who am I to argue with 60% of Thai energy drink consumers about how M-150 should taste? It's not too bad, but I wouldn't want to drink more than this 8.4 ounce can, probably. Colder would probably be better, but it sat out of the fridge and in my purse for about 45 minutes before I got to it, so what can I do, people? There is no fridge here in the lobby, stop being so demanding!

Trying not to be this guy. But at a desk, not in a car.

EFFECTIVENESS: I've had most of it now, and I do think there's been a bit of a pick-me-up effect, though that may be in part due to whatever chemicals make it so damn sweet. I can't say that I'm feeling more inclined to devotion, courage, or sacrifice, but slightly less inclined to fall asleep at my desk could probably be classified as a step in the right direction. Okay, I've finished it, and I'm definitely more alert than when I started drinking, but it's just too small an amount to sustain me for long.

OVERALL: Whatever, it's weird and foreign and cheap and not totally gross or anything.

Anti-Energy Drink Review: Dream Water

Snoozeberries!

I like the sound of Dream Water. It's water. For dreaming. I've had a good amount of booze tonight, including some with an energy drink mixer, so my body/brain are all like, 4:00 a.m.? What do we do at this time, again? I've been meaning to try  the Dream Water, so here we go!

The active ingredients are some sort of concoction called SleepStat and has chemicals I am too lazy to research. Other ingredients involve "reverse osmosis treated water," which sounds pretty futuristic, so I'm on board. The little 2.5 ounce shot I got is supposedly "snoozeberry" flavor, which sounds amazing and also not unlike this. I'm going to take this shot and then start an episode of a new Korean drama and see what happens.

FLAVOR: It tastes kind of like maybe a strawberry Crystal Light or something: fruity, but not too thick.

EFFECTIVENESS: The drink says to take it half an hour before you want to crash. It's been fifteen minutes, and I'm definitely feeling more tired. It is also 4:30 in the morning, so you know, take that with some salt grains. At 35 minutes, I'm pretty much ready to go to bed, but I've got about ten minutes left in this episode, so I'll crash then. Nice and sleepy feeling, though.

OVERALL: I have no idea, because though I think it enhanced my sleepiness speed, I laid in bed for like an hour feeling a bit nauseous. Might've had something to do with mixing Limon, orange juice, vodka, Monster Absolutely Zero, and this Dream Water stuff over the course of several hours. Whatever. It's not the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Energy Drink Review: Pur Renew

The Cub Foodz had a drink in its cooler I hadn't seen before with the word "energy" on it, so I thought I'd buy it. Full disclosure: I drank one with vodka the other night while trying to maintain energy to finish editing episode two of MY WEBSERIES TEENAGE CASPER and it was delicious, but I can't yet speak to its energizing effects because of the drunkenness/substance mixing involved. That said, I'm at work now, and could use a boost, so I'll drink the other can. It is a woefully small 8.4 ounce can, which is sure to be inadequate for my needs, but we'll see how it goes.

This is Pur Renew. Though it looks like some kind of fancy water, the can touts the fruit extracts from the acai berry, pomegranate, blueberry, and chokeberry (?), but I see that it does also actually contain caffeine and taurine. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus.

FLAVOR: It is fruity and carbonated! It's all that chokeberry, probz. I just Wikipedia-ed chokeberries and found out that they are called that because they are inedible while raw! Obviously. It's got a bit of a sour edge to it, and I kind of like it. I have to say the flavor is really kind of unique, so it may not be everybody's cup of tea,* but I like it, at least in a 8.4 oz. dose.

EFFECTIVENESS: I've had about five ounces so far, and I can feel a bit of a pick-up in my energy levels. My head still feels tired, but I'm fidgeting a bit and was actually amused by a few passing coworkers' comments, so I'm not too cranky right now. After finishing the can, I do feel a boost. Nothing crazy, but good enough to last me until I can get more caffeine after my break in about half an hour.

OVERALL: Recommended for people who only need small doses/like crazy inedible berry drinks.


*Tea is gross.

Teenage Casper Episode 2: Behind the Couch

Casper shows up. With feelings. And black skinny jeans.