That Old Chesnut: I'm still going to call them buffalo

Guys, you know what is a fun word? BUFFALO. It is silly. And so are the animals! I mean these guys:

They are like bros at the gym who only lift weights on the upper half of their bodies.

But no! Did you know that you have been calling these fellows buffaloes all of your life, but they are NOT (scientifically speaking) actually buffaloes. Nay, they are BISON. Surely you are familiar with this term, but you probably like me either thought it was interchangeable with "buffalo," or didn't care if it was inappropriate to use with the American bison because it is fun to say. But in fact, buffalo refers to various oxen-type animals living in Eurasia and Africa. Maybe people in North America wanted to pretend that bison were totally just like other buffaloes so they wouldn't feel so bad about this. Though there are also European bison that look at lot like the American kind and are called wisent.*

Does anybody else feel like this is a little bit racist?

But so the word buffalo's origins! I know you are all deeply invested in etymologeez, which is why you read That Old Chesnut so voraciously,** so I have consulted the OED (which I won't bother linking because if you don't have a subscription through a university library or you are so nerdy you have paid for a personal one, you cannot actually access it). But you can believe me that I am faithfully reporting to you that "buffalo" came into English by way of Greek, Latin, and ultimately probably Portuguese to mean a type of antelope or any wild ox basically. So technically speaking, that should extend to American bison because what is it but a big bovine thing? But so water buffalo (domesticated and wild), the anoa or dwarf/midget buffalo (not so PC, science), and probably some other animals are actually buffalo, while bison are not.

To review:

Don't worry, I still love our fake American buffalo, and will continue to call them that. But I'll know the truth, and so will you. Now go be one with this. You're welcome.

*Also the name of a Polish vodka flavored by bison grass. I believe I drank it in some sampler flight at Moscow on the Hill once and was like, "Not so much on this one."
**Haha, just kidding, I know people only come here to read energy drink reviews or that classic Andrew Jackson presidential post. Or you read Captain Awkward. Sweet, wonderful, wise Captain Awkward. Or you're looking for Sexy Gay Jesus porn. Sadly, you will have to make your own, but could you please let me know when it happens?

Things I read, things I'm doing

I read all of the internet every afternoon between doing the Lord's Work. I see interesting stuff sometimes.

Guys, Wonders and Marvels is both wonderful and marvelous. So much fantastic and strange historical nerdery! I particularly enjoyed this post by Jack El-Hai about how a) people used to watch kangaroos "box" for funsies and b) a tragic elevator accident made people realize that maybe this was not such a good use of our precious kangaroo resources. Fact: several years ago, I was buying a new pair of Adidas Sambas (the world's greatest shoe, probably) and was slightly chagrined to learn that they were made of kangaroo leather. But then I consulted the internet and found out that kangaroos aren't endangered or anything and I no longer felt guilty. True story.

In crypto-anthropod news, apparently a hot Siberian summer sent the local Yeti population to seek cooler climes farther north. Highlights of this article from the Voice of Russia include a description of one encounter where, sadly the Yetis "'did not answer our greeting,' one of the eye-witnesses, Vitaly Vershinin, said." Yetis can be such fucking snobs, you guys. Don't take it personal, Vitaly. Also, one expert's description of the alleged humanoid creatures: "They use neither instruments of labour, nor clothes or fire, but they are sufficiently intellectual. Besides, they are well known for their paranormal capabilities." I for one can't wait to find out what kind of intellectual/paranormal contributions Yetis and their Samsquanch cousins can make to human society. It's really only a matter of time before Bobo catches one, right?

In a post on his WaPo Wonkblog last month, Ezra Klein takes on the issue of poverty and "personal responsibility." Being poor is soul-suckingly depressing, it is hard, and it is expensive. And oh yeah, it requires you to be personally responsible for nearly every aspect of your day-to-day life. Can't put food stamps in an off-shore account, bro.

Sadly, I will not be live-blogging tonight's town hall presidential debate. Which is probably the best for both my sanity and my liver. But I WILL be attending a Chip Coffey event here in St. Paul! Will seeing the fantastically no-nonsense bescarfed psychic in action convince me to believe in an afterlife? I suspect that my ambivalence will be confirmed, but that Chip will be charming. I'm going to try to make myself ask for a picture with him when I get my book signed. We'll see if I can follow through.

Also, remember when this happened? I bought a few more flavors (they're only $1 a can!). I'm drinking the pomegranate berry flavor Max Velocity right now and it is delicious and awesome.

The end.

UPDATE: I just wanted to send a link love over to Blair (the blogger formerly known as B.), the blogmistress/curator of STFU, Parents a collection of majestic parental overshare and self-righteousness. She recently un-anonymized herself and people be hatin' on her for apparently not being attractive or child-having enough to qualify for internet snarking. This is misogynist bullshit, obviously.

Drunk Ghost Hunting and other business

Guys, remember when I posted that hilarious drunk ghost-hunting teaser video? I finally finished editing the actual "ghost-hunting" parts of the footage, so here it be:



Also, you have a few more days to enter my Neuro giveaway contest! Do you or someone you know need to calm the fuck down and/or get the fuck off the couch? Get yerself a free case of neuroBLISS or neuroSONIC courtesy of M80. Email me your reasons why you should get it. Or don't even include reasons, just tell me you want them, and you just might win because no one else is entering. I'll color you a picture just for entering! Do it now, otherwise Scout (kitty), Lola (doggy), and their lovely owner Elissa will win them ALL and you will be SOL:

You even don't want to see how vicious she gets on caffeine, bro.

Clearly, this one's the frontrunner so far.

A Nature Poem

O, Cicada: Your weird chirping song, incessant in the summer heat Like unto the sound of an alien hissing, preparing to strike But ere I too much disparage your vibrating timbals, I must say I prefer the sound to the sight of you, O, Cicada: giant, terrifying bug-beast.

Sexy, Sexy Animals

I really kicked things off internet-wise this morning by posting the following video on the F-book: Already adorbs, right? Then my friend Alana commented on my link by pointing me in the direction of this fascinating description of waterfowl vaginal cavities: Female duck anatomy evolves to block 'rape' (World Science).* Crazy! And THEN I saw a quote-worthy quip from non other than The Josh Fruhlinger of The Comics Curmudgeon and also now The Josh Fruhlinger Experience in a discussion of the ever-popular and totally sensical comic strip "B.C.":

Warning: that second link may not be safe for work, if your workplace is uptight about turtle sex.

Josh recants (slightly), The Comics Curmudgeon). Turtle sex! OMG. Oh, animals and their wacky reproductive systems! *I don't normally approve of "rape" in scare quotes like that, but we're talking about animals, with whom issues of sexual consent are pretty hazy. Also, I suppose "forced copulation" makes for a pretty long headline.

OMG Adorbs

A dude or lady from the cable company will be coming to my house Wednesday morning to grant me home internet access, hooray! I have some presidentialin' fabulousness waiting in the wings for all y'all's nerdy pleasure, so get ready. Right now I'm at job 1, soon to have a quick break before I report for work at job 2. My allergies are pretty disgusting right now. Blech. I'm also a bit sunburnt from sitting outside yesterday, reading. So everything's awesome. In the meantime, however, the best thing ever is happening elsewhere on the webz: ZooBorns. Exactly what it sounds like: pictures and videos of adorable baby animals from zoos. God I love the stuff people send through that crazy series of tubez! Baby anteater in Japan OMGcute!

Bald Eagle Vlog

Hey! I got drunk and made a video about bald eagles. Sheryl's in it, too.

ChristmASS

My brother has so kindly introduced the song "Dominick the Donkey" to me. A delightful and forgotten holiday classic, here is one ridiculous music video rife with great dancing, fake mustaches, and any number of good-natured Italian stereotypes: OMG I can't believe this exists.

A little Dr. Katz to brighten your day

I'm feeling truly uninspired at the moment, so I found some Dr. Katz clips to cheer me up. Enjoy: BULLY REMEMBER WHEN THE INTERNET WAS NEW? "I want to get on a global chatboard." JIM GAFFIGAN + MANATEES = OMG

Addicted to energy drinks: Blue Sky Juiced Energy

I stopped at Whole Foods today for some lunch (forgetting that I keep leaving food in the work fridge that I need to eat) and picked up a a "natural" energy drink. The kind I grabbed came in both 16 oz. and 8.3 oz. varieties, but I've got some prime social plans* later, so I figured I may as well keep the natural energy running for as long as possible and went for the larger size. Also, my choices were between blue and orange. And we all know how my last foray into blue beverages went, so I played it safe with the orange. Like pretty much every energy/juice drink, I am informed that this particular can contains 50% juice and 100% energy. When will beverage manufacturers learn basic arithmetic? Everybody knows the scale goes to 110% and no higher. And that's really only for measuring effort in shitty sports metaphors.

Randomly, the Blue Sky Soda website has a tab with information about pet adoption. Apparently if I send my tab in, they'll donate $0.10 to help little Rover or Fluffy find a new home. I will not be sending my tab in. Here is why:
1. I hate animals.
2. The stamp I'd have to put on the envelope is worth four times as much as the donation itself.
3. Animals are not worth the price of a stamp.
4. Because I hate them.

Anyhow, to the review portion on this "energy supplement":

BLUE SKY JUICED ENERGY (NATURAL ENERGY + JUICE)

Taste: ****/5 This is not to say, "Damn, is this drink delicious!" but more to convey, "Hey, for an energy drink, it's actual kinda decent-tasting!" It's like a sweeter, slightly tastier Sparks. Must be the all-natural flavors or something (esp. the maltodextrin. Yum!)

Delivers on campaign promises: **** It promises "an energy boost when you need it most" (although the small print tells me the statements on the can haven't been evaluated by the FDA and won't, like, cure my cancer), and I definitely feel an energy boost. Nothing super crazy strong, but more significant than a lot of energy-juice drinks.

Ability to understand why people might do speed: *** The boost is mild but pleasant. I could see why people would seek out an ever-stronger high.

OVERALL: 3.67/5 asterisks

Good job with the natural ingredients, Blue Sky. I'll let your fuzzy math go for the time being. Oh, and keep on saving those pets!




*READ: Date. Who knew?

Oh dear lord

Creepy.
My coworker just told someone how funny this movie was. Of course, she's the same person who was excited about seeing "Wild Hogs."

My nice but ridiculous squirrel-loving coworker has taken to listening to ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS MUSIC. What is this, 1987? I mean, I've always been an unabashed fan of "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth," but COME ON! The faint sound of their freakish helium-induced rodent voices wafting into my cube is just more than one person should have to take. Thank god for headphones.

Squirrels are just rats with bushy tales

I hope those nuts were delicious, Fluffy, because you're being deported!
This image was actually taken from the Washington Dept. of Fish and Wildlife website.

I have this middle-aged coworker who we will call "Debbie." Debbie is a nice but lonely lady who loves animals. Debbie has taken it upon herself to look after all the squirrels on campus. Squirrels do not need looking after. They are not endangered in anyway, and yet every day, Debbie goes and feeds them on her lunch break. She names some of them. Apparently it's possible to tell them apart. One day last week, while I was reading in my cube during my extended lunch break,* I heard Debbie emerge from the stairs, breathing very heavily. She proceeded to inform another of our coworkers that there was a SQUIRREL WITH A BROKEN LEG and she needed to find a box so she could scoop it up and take it to the animal rehabilitation center. And if she didn't hurry, a dog might get it.

Ahem.

SQUIRRELS ARE JUST RATS WITH BUSHY TALES. They need no extra protection. You'd probably be doing the neighborhood habitat a favor by allowing a few of the bastards to get picked off by canine predators.

Now, I'm not really an "animal" person, so I kind of don't really get people who are really into them. I mean, I'm not down with raping the environment or abusing animals or anything, but I eat meat, I don't plan on ever owning pets, and acting as the main food supplier for a college campus' squirrel population strikes me as SAD AND PATHETIC. I learned to hate squirrels the old-fashioned way: I was taught to by my mother. My mother fucking hates squirrels more than anything else that lives on this earth.** As I've mentioned, my family's Mormon, and they're on the "grow your own food" and "have two years' food storage" train. Well, they try anyway. But so we always had a vegetable garden growing up. Blech to: weeding, picking raspberries, and snapping beans. We lived in a neighborhood with many tall old pine trees (Washington, used to be a forest, etc.) that were filled with a booming squirrel population. At some point they got out of control and started pulling the corn stalk sprouts completely out of the ground, stealing veggies before they were ripe, destroying flowerbeds, and just generally causing garden shenanigans. My mother snapped.

She tried little fences, they dug them up. She tried rat poison, they ignored it. She told my brothers she'd pay them $5 a head to kill them with their BB guns, and the BBs just bounced off their little skulls. So she got a trap. A HUMANE trap, calm down. She'd put in some delicious nuts or a morsel of corn to entice them, and then SNAP! they'd be trapped. Then she'd take them in the little trap across at least one freeway and preferably also a body of water so they couldn't find their way home, and then release them. There was a least one tragic death while my family went on vacation, but left the trap set up. My oldest brother, who was staying at home and having parties that my mother had advised the neighbors to call the police on, neglected to release the trapped squirrel and it died. We found the trap in the woodpile in our backyard. I felt pretty bad about that. My brother should have felt worse. Anyway, we caught and deported over 90 squirrels that first summer. Out of control. My parents continue to trap a few dozen every year. And if you ever happen to be at their house when my mom catches a squirrel climbing on one of her bird feeders, don't think she won't open the window and scream at it. I believe it is far more terrifying for bystanders than it is for the actual squirrel, because it doesn't usually work.



*By extended I mean, "I take however the hell long I want to before I go back to working."

**Except for maybe people who let their children dress poorly.

God I love Cow & Boy

And beards. I love beards too. Have I mentioned that?


See more Cow and Boy. I've been a fan since Billy and Cow played "Cowboys and German Philosophers." Also, when they discussed building a fortress out of chocolate and bacon. Yum.

Cutest thing I've seen today

Small child + holding koala bear + Dalai Lama + petting koala bear = OMG


From: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/huff-wires/20070613/people-dalai-lama-irwins/
(AP Photo/Steve Holland)