Maria Bamford Does Male Characters

A video I made for another class blog. Gogo Gadget Halberstam!

In which I substitute my own Facebook updates for an actual post

How could you resist a trailer like that?

Over the weekend I was awoke to find that Isaac was watching a film from the stellar Patrick Swayze Collection he bought for $5 at Wal-Mart when we were really supposed to be buying wedding soda in massive quantities but were drawn in by the cheap movies also. I was grateful it was not "Red Dawn" (because it is so boring and terrible). Instead, it was a glorious 1986 sports classic that actually stars a young Rob Lowe (not that he ever ages anyway) with Swayze as the older brother-type mentor on a competitive junior hockey team or something. I think the moral of the story is that real men know how to fight bearded dudes on the ice, even if you think you shouldn't have to throw punches to win at hockey or at life. Or something. Anyway, partway through I started posting ridiculous things about the movie that my friends seemed to enjoy so I'm copying and pasting that shit here:

The pinnacle of masculinity is perfectly portrayed in a 1980s Patrick Swayze/Rob Lowe hockey movie.

"Just hit it, pillowhands." Now Rob Lowe's brother is teaching him to fight so he can avenge Swayze's head injury!

In the barn. Barn training montage!

Okay, now his dad is making him fight him on the ice.

[Matty: Oh my god. Please keep going.]

Though is apparently a junior league of some kind, Rob Lowe's arch rival appears to be at least 29 years old with a full beard.

Coach's pep talk: "All right, one period left. One period away from winning it all or losing to these miserable hackers with their shit-eating grins and their Saturday night wrestling tactics."

Rob Lowe scores again to tie it up, even while missing a tooth!

Beardy goes to the penalty box and Rob Lowe takes the penalty shot. Also, the rival goalie with the skeleton mask just did the splits to intimidate Rob!

Rob's got to prove to the coach that he can stay on and get the beardo in the last 3 seconds. "Watch your stick," the coach says.

Rob: "Let's go, pretty boy." They are jousting with their hockey sticks!

Dad, brother, coach, and team are so proud of Rob Lowe for punching the other guy out after the game was over.

Now he's kissing the girl despite all his facial injuries. I miss the beginning when he was being hazed through tequila shots and forcible balls-shaving.

BTW, I am so downloading this amazing soundtrack.

Also, Keanu Reeves made a cameo as the goalie and may or may not have been sporting a Russian accent. This shit is '80s sports movie gold.

I'm just going to copy and paste this to my blog and pretend I wrote a post.

Girls and Giftedness: A Personal Narrative AKA I am a smart lady and prefer the company of other smart ladies, so what?

To you, smart sarcastic lady friends! Making life worth living since (at least) 1994.

 

Via Jezebel, I finally made myself check out this story that's been floating around the webernets about how some people are alarmed that there are more girls in New York City schools' gifted programs these days. As in, more girls than boys. Like 12% more, according to Sharon Otterman's NYT piece. I mean, maybe it's because I went to liberal arts college where the lady population was pushing 60% or maybe because I'm a man-hating feminist, but I can't really bring myself to care. Oh no! Girls succeeding! Must be something wrong! Because, I mean, wasn't it like, not that many decades ago that these gifted programs were probably dominated by boys--if they existed at all? And don't they admit that before they put the current testing in place, gender equality required that different (easier) standards be applied to boys?* I know there are issues with standardized testing being used to measure any sort of real-life intelligence, particularly with children who haven't even started kindergarten, sure. I also really resist the idea that little girls are somehow innately more advanced verbally and better at sitting quietly, though the statistics do APPEAR to show this to be the case.** Whatever the reason, though, more girls are testing into these programs.

Maybe one day I'll have a son and care more, but I can't say that some smart little boys having to hang out with a majority of girls doesn't really sound all that detrimental to me. But see, that's what I don't get about all this Christina Hoff Sommers nonsense about wars "against" boys. I also don't really believe that teaching methods really have changed that much since the pre-feminist era. I think classroom teachers have always valued kids who sit still, pay attention, have good verbal communication skills, can work well with others, etc. The fact that girls are now surpassing boys academically in the early years probably has far more to do with not being told how stupid girls are all the time than with any radical change in approach by teachers.  Yes, I do think it is problematic that boys are more likely to be diagnosed with behavioral and/or learning disorders, to not finish school, etc. There really should be no measurable gender difference when it comes to these things, and I'm not denying that these issues deserve attention and solutions. But not at the expense of girls.

Because guess what? I was one of those well-behaved, advanced-reading little girls and not only did our school district's gifted program help make easy, easy elementary school bearable, it also put me into contact with lots of other awesome, smart, weird little girls--some of whom I'm still friends with today. That's where I learned that female friendships beyond the fourth grade could be about more than playground boyfriend dramas and more about making up crazy stuff together. Sure, there were boys at EXCEL (a once-weekly pull-out program for third through sixth-graders) but there were always at least a few more girls in each class. For the most part, the boys were pretty socially awkward. I don't remember ever having a crush on anybody from EXCEL, though I had plenty on boys from my regular school. By the later years, fifth and sixth grade, we mostly just ignored them. I started to build up a group of girl friends who were AWESOME. We spent our recesses enacting commercials for ridiculous fake products or dressing up in wigs and costumes and holding meetings of the "Grandmas' Club." Or during class, when we were all probably high off of all the rubber cement we used to put together or own newspapers, we made up elaborate stories about how I was dating Albert Einstein or we'd (mostly) good-naturedly make fun of our one friend who was still wearing patterned leggings in sixth grade. In some ways, we were just the most socially adept kids there, so we gravitated towards one another. But at an age (pubescent, I suppose) when girls at school and on the soccer team and even at church were getting meaner and meaner to each other, we found in one another a place where we could just be silly and too smart for our own good and being at the top of the EXCEL social ladder (not that there was much of one) meant that nobody would be making fun of us. (Though we may have made fun of some of them behind their backs. There were a lot of WEIRD kids, there, people.)

At the height of our EXCEL group's awesomeness, I was rejected by my former best friends back at my regular school. I had other friends, don't get me wrong, but it still hurt. I started hanging out with other nerdy smart kids from my own school in the library during recess, avoiding all the interpersonal dramz of the other kids and playing Scrabble and helping decorate the seasonal bulletin boards. Though I did morph into a big bitch during seventh grade like I'd been infected by a virus on my thirteenth birthday, I always stuck with the nerdy kids. By eighth grade, I'd embraced an unabashedly weird and nerdy persona--wearing my parents' old clothes from the basement, putting tootbrushes in my hair for decoration and pretending with my one friend that we were aliens from another planet with X-Files character nicknames. (I believe I was "Chupacabra.") Anyway, I acquired guy friends along the way (a number of whom eventually came out), though most of them didn't stick. I didn't really date until college, but in some ways I didn't really mind. Sure, I wanted a boyfriend and had crushes, etc. But I also developed a core group of wacky, smart, hilarious girl friends whose company was better than anybody else's I knew.

This is all to say that while it is unfortunate that there may be boys falling through the academic cracks, there's not actually anything wrong with there being more girls in a gifted program. Learning to develop strong female friendships that were far more focused on fun than on boys in a low-pressure social environment like EXCEL was for me (as I remember it, anyway--Julia and others may beg to differ) completely integral to my eventual feminist awakening. I long knew that I preferred the company of ladies, especially a certain type of quirky, smart lady, but it wasn't until I became a feminist that I realized a big reason we were friends was not just because of our devastatingly awesome levels of sarcasm, but because we were all girls who knew what it felt like to be the smartest person in the room, to resent other girls who sacrificed being interesting for being attractive, because we were all little proto-feminists and we didn't even know it. I've lived in a few different places in my life, and I always feel most comfortable once I've established a network of awesome lady friends. Ones who I can be relaxed around, mock movies with, and compete to be the funniest, not the sexiest. A girl-heavy gifted program experience was an early lesson that girls didn't have to all be the same, and we certainly didn't have to be, you know, "that girl."


*OMG, AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. BTW, Jarzen has feelings about "special rights" that shall be conveyed in video form very soon. As in, as soon as I get around to editing it.

**Obviously, I know girls mature faster by the time puberty hits, but I can't help but wonder that perhaps this apparent disparity of studiousness between genders at ages 4-6 could be caused by parents and caregivers encouraging certain behaviors. If a boy roughhouses and a girl wants to read a book, those activities are praised or at least tolerated. The other way around, adults start getting nervous and give off signals that the behavior is perhaps gender-inappropriate, even if they don't explicitly say so. This may turn what could be a small difference in general gender-based temperament (still skeptical on this one, but then again, I don't have kids which apparently disqualifies me from having opinions about parenting or children or the cultural representations thereof) into a very real gap by the time they start school.

Special 500th Post Pajama Diaries Mocking BLOWOUT!

Hey, I just noticed that this will be my 500th post! It has been a glorious 2.whatever years so far, friends. I'll probably keep on blogging at an irregular rate, but you'll love it when I do. Anyway, in a move unrelated to any blogiversary, I decided to go look back at the archives for the terrible comic "Pajama Diaries." Back when I lived with roommates in an urban area and we received a daily newspaper that carried the NY Times crossword and two pages of terrible comics, I used to alternately blow a gasket while reading Pluggers and these here Pajama Diaries. The latter because of the gender stereotypes. I've looked back at the past month on the webernets and found a number of horrifying examples!

Some things that are terrible about this:

1. The man is an incompetent parent.
2. Bitches always be crying, apparently.
3. Dudes can't handle emotions, so must escape from their families and drink away the icky taint of femininity.

Apparently this Jill character is my mother.


Ladies hate aging, but love being skinny like teenagers!


Jill is trying to instill in her daughters the inevitably of their gendered household roles. "Forget that book-larnin', little lady, it's time to do some washin'!"

Quote o' the Day: Masculinity Makes T-Rexes of Us All Edition

Could you punch that guy for me? Hand me my drink first, though.

In their weekly GChat extravaganza ("Sexist Beatdown"), Amanda Hess of The Sexist and Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown take on "chivalry." Like, how it infantilizes women and requires dudes to punch other dudes all the time. Dating from those halcyon days of Ye Old Middle Ages when gender relations were basically ideal, chivalrous acts place contrasting but equally shitty burdens on persons of the varying genders.* As Amanda describes:

In modern times, however, the code of chivalry has certainly evolved a bit: Thou shalt pay for her Miller Lights, before you retire to thy bed; thou shalt withdraw her chair, in preparation for her ass; thou shalt open thy lady’s door, in deference to her tiny dinosaur arms; and thou shalt punch out any man who stareth at thy lady’s bosom.

Sexist Beatdown: Chivalrous Dudes Punching Chivalrous Dudes, For Chivalry Edition (The Sexist at the Washington City Paper)

*"Did you walk on the outside of her?" "Should I have paid for the whole cab, Bret?"

Pluggers redefine "functional" prescription drug abuse

It's been a busy and somewhat depressing few weeks here at Blonder and Thinner HQ. Did you know it is difficult to obtain large purchases like cars when one lives in poverty? Where you aware that other people's family quirks are even more infuriating than your own family's? Also, did you know it rains a lot in springtime? But enough about me, let's talk about Pluggers. It's been too long, friends. Too long:

Because Lady Pluggers should not concern themselves with politics? Because even Pluggers aren't stupid enough to buy into that Tea Party nonsense? I find this hard to believe. Lady Pluggers are just too high to know where they are most of the time.

Are Pluggers too stupid to understand "press down and turn"? Is their arthritis medicine so ineffective that they can't open the bottle without severe pain? Again, I find this hard to believe. We all know that the real issue here as the Grandma Plugger's "arthritis medicine" has got her so fucking high she can't possibly get her shit together well enough to open the bottle. Muscle relaxants are not so conducive to coordination. In fact, she probably has her granddaughter do it so she can offer some to the kid too. Baby-sitting is so much easier when the kids are on horse tranquilizers.

Some things that are true about fatness and/or the personal perception thereof

1. I will never go on a diet. I won't pretend that I don't have body image issues; I'm a young lady in America, of course I think I'm fat. Fact: my mother has been on a diet for as long as I can remember, and I find it sad but also affecting. I have intellectually subscribed to various aspects of the fat acceptance movement (mostly when they don't apply to my own body), but I don't believe diets work (permanently) and they encourage a neurotic relationship with food. And as an already neurotic person with variously unhealthy dietary and appetite-related issues with food because of depression and anxiety, I find it best to try and make myself not think about how fat I actually am (which is not actually fat; fatness not actually being a moral wrong). What I'm saying is: please don't go on a diet. I want to try and be healthier (slightly less couch-laying and ramen-eating), and though it is difficult to separate that from ideas of thinness, it is necessary so I can avoid hating myself.

2. I looked very recently like this (with a bearded boyfriend, obvs):

I do not post this so people can be all, "But you're so skinny," because that game is boring and unhealthy. I just want to post it to say that I have not worked this shit out. I'm intellectually accepting of the fat acceptance movement and have always been kind of hostile to the idea of dieting. But as a thin(-ish) person, I want to throw out there that I still have trouble in my own mind with expectations that my stomach be flat and my thighs be toned. And truth be told, I'm rarely that thin unless I exercise a lot in conjunction with depression-related appetite suppression. Maybe I'm coming out as a relatively thin person who still thinks she's not thin enough. It's a problem, I know, but something I'm trying to work on without hurting myself. I'm not really sure why I started this post, but there 'tis (fact: I am drunk). I think it's always good to throw out there how much all of us have internalized cultural gendered bullshit, and despite my ample academically backed-up skills to challenge that nonsense, I still buy into it to a degree. I hate the world sometimes (that is what the combination of booze and Prozac was made for), but I also care enough to try and deconstruct that shit.

Manly Man Man Commercials During Football but WHAT ABOUT THE (GIRL) CHILDREN?!

Covered all over the interwebz are discussions of the particularly pathetic and desperately misogynist commercials shown during this year's Super Bowl. Via Jezebel, I quite enjoyed this flow chart to analyze the masculinizing effects of television commercials. As Amanda Marcotte from Pandagon, puts it, these commercials would have us believe that modern masculinity is barely surviving a vagified assault. Heehee. VAGIFIED. That Dodge Ram Charger (ladybrains have trouble keeping track of all those different types of cars!) commercial ("Man's last stand") was so sad, I didn't even want to punch anyone. 'Cause I mean, SRSLY? Dear sirs: No one can MAKE you eat fruit or not act like an asshole in front of your girlfriend's parents, but they are generally advisable actions. Also, why is Dove marketing man-soap? But I digress. But anyway: the problem with the Super Bowl's "I'm a MAN" commercials is not so much that they are insulting to women (though they are) or even that they are insulting to men (which they most definitely are also), it's that a huge (inter)national media event like the Super Bowl reaches its icky, capitalist-fueled gendered message tentacles into the homes of millions: millions of CHILDREN. Though I do a kind of disgusting amount of research on the gendering of boys and the devastating effects of hegemonic masculine ideals enforced by peers, parents, and fucking football commercials on young men, I want to talk about the lady children. Yes: GIRLS. Though I am now a dirty, hairy-legged feminist academic elitist man-hater who is able to view cultural productions like advertising and pick apart the gendered messages therein and sometimes make oversimplified jokes to my gentleman consort like, "Get it? 'Cause [insert consumer good here] is totally like a PENIS!" I was once a young girl. Ahhh, those were the days.* (The following discussion is incredibly heteronormative, so sorry lovely gay readers, I am not quite so familiar with how gendered media messages fuck with your relationships too--or not! Feel free to lay some knowledge on me in the comments.) Growing up in my pre-ex-Mormon days as a kind of proto-feminist girl, the messages I received from role models, peers, and the media made me kind of terrified of men. And I don't mean in a child molester kind of way, though getting leered at by teens and adults while still in elementary school and reading too many of my mother's Woman's Day and Better Homes and Gardens magazines certainly made me aware of my inherent vulnerability to assault or abuse because of my gender. No no, I mean in a "I really like boys and I want to get married one day and hopefully have a boyfriend as soon as I'm allowed to date when I'm 16 and whatnot, but from what I understand, male people are assholes who are stupid, lazy, mean, and just want to fuck me." Though this sentiment probably manifested more as a kind of nebulous, anxious discomfort and with less swearing in my head. See, I have older brothers, and though they are far more masculinely gendered than really seems necessary, they are, after all, PEOPLE with all the complexity that that entails and I experienced the good and the bad the way you do with regular, three-dimensional humans growing up with them. My dad is also happens to be an awesome guy who clearly has feelings, cares about people, is very smart and competent, and appears to be the best kind of partner to my mother. So when my (kind of proto-feminist herself) mom would say things like, "[Mormon] men have to have the Priesthood because it forces them to help people." I thought, "WTF? Like dudes are incapable of caring about people or something? That doesn't jive with the masculine-identified human beings I am acquainted with." Something really rang false when responding to some friends and me talking about a teenage boy we knew being creepy to a younger girl, she said, "All boys care about is sex. If they didn't, they wouldn't ever want to get married and have kids." As much as I cringe at thought of my own our anyone else's parents' sexuality, I (internally) called bullshit even then. I'm pretty sure my dad WANTED to marry my mom and WANTED to have kids for other reasons besides being able to get it on. Gross. And though in elementary school the occasional asshole boy in my class would try and tell me girls were bad at such-and-such task, it always sounded particularly stupid since I was inevitably smarter than whoever was saying it and probably most if not all of the other kids in my class too and I assumed it was mostly motivated by jealousy. Don't worry, my self-esteem took the culturally-sanctioned nosedive at puberty. So while the sexist messages that got blatantly expressed didn't seem to gibe with reality, they caused me a good bit of anxiety (shock, shock). I knew plenty of stupid dudes, immature dudes, creepy dudes, etc., but I figured that any place before college wasn't really the place to find the semi-gender-nonconforming man of my dreams. I think being friends with/having crushes on/being like by so many cool dudes who ended up eventually coming out as gay helped me keep hope alive for men who did not adhere to the arrogant, violent, insensitive dude stereotypes I had been taught were the inevitable elements of masculinity. And though I've never gone for the manly-man type and they're not likely to go for me either, it did take me a few relationships to figure out that just because someone doesn't overtly present as super-masculine doesn't mean they don't buy into certain stereotypes of acceptable male behavior. Casual misogyny in the guise of intellectual arrogance, "irony," or complete inability to comprehend the emotional life of others does not a feminist man make. And while I realize everybody has their flaws and it is difficult to just shrug off our life-long gender training, it becomes clear, at least in retrospect that shit I put up with from men was due to (at least) these three factors:

1. Insensitivity, cluelessness, or even cruelty become self-fulfilling prophecies for men who grow up in a society in which these attributes are if not exactly encouraged, then at least tolerated as unalterable parts of the male psyche. Being a terrible and immature partner is CUTE and ENDEARING, see? Just ask Judd Apatow!
2. Male privilege insulates young men and boys from being called on certain behaviors that are unhealthy and I would say unacceptable in interpersonal relationships. Because jackassery has been tacitly or overtly condoned by parents, teachers, previous partners, and probably mostly male peers, many men think that being a jerk is the appropriate masculine performance for heterosexual relationships. Heaven forbid you become "pussy-whipped" and learn empathy! But can I just point something out? Acting like an asshole doesn't make you more of a man, it makes you more of AN ASSHOLE.
3. Perhaps most troubling, us ladies grow up if not exactly believing in these stereotypes in full, at least having been beaten over the head with them so often as to be complacent when they may be enacted in our real-life relationships. I put up with unacceptable treatment from male partners who were supposedly pro-feminist or at the very least "progressive" because I expected such behavior to a certain extent, and figured that at least they were liberal dudes who didn't REALLY hate women and I couldn't really do better anyway.

Do you see how these things are fucked up? Not only do we (the culture at large AKA advertising executives I HATE YOU ALL) stunt men emotionally and then encourage them to act out like whiny babies who are supposedly victimized and emasculated by the lady-run world that is tragically not just like an episode of Sports Center on loop, but we tell women that this is what men are "just like," that we should accept this, roll our eyes, and clean the toilet our own goddamn selves. NOBODY WINS IN A PATRIARCHY. Duh. And since changing the definitions of masculinit(ies) is a slow and difficult process, the least we could do is find a way to reach out to those young girls and women who are watching the Super Bowl (They exist! Shocking!) and teach them to critically read the media. Most importantly they need to know that they deserve better than what society wants to offer them in the form of romantic relationships. Because as man-hating as these commercials are, women are the ones who inevitably have to clean up the messes (emotional, household, etc.) caused by dudes who have soaked up the cultural stereotypes that allow them to be lazy and reckless because, hey, they can't help it. CARS PENIS STEREO HOT CHICKS FOOTBALL PORN ELECTRONIC GADGETRY BACON SEXBOTS EXPLOSIONS FAST CARS HAMBURGERS CONTROLLING WOMEN'S BODIES BEER CHIPS BEER CHIPS BEER CHIPS. *At 26, I still think of myself and most of my female friends as "girls" as opposed to "women" most of the time, but I would be pissed if someone who had power over me and/or I didn't like called me one. I think that's part of the reason I've latched onto "ladies"--it is kind of silly but still sounds more mature than "girls" without having to claim the full adulthood that "women" entails. I THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS, PEOPLE.

Masculinity and its bullshittiness (future children edition)

I can has?

Hey kids! Did you know that I am writing a thesis about masculinity, energy drinks, and militarism? Because I am! I often don't write about my academic work on here because a) I'd be tempted to just copy and paste my class or thesis work into a post and/or b) I don't want to talk about it anymore after writing a fucking proposal in which I have to very clearly justify why I am doing such a project and/or c) I assume that I just talk about it a lot and all y'all know me in real life and are tired of hearing about it or will be soon and/or d) I would like my blog to not feel like homework. But anyway, I have a master's degree that I will hopefully be finishing up in the next six months with a submitted proposal and many PhD program applications in the works. I am an aspiring/partial cultural studies academic and it is awesome. I miss money because it is nice and I don't need food stamps when I have it or have to carry a frightening credit card balance or anything; however, the real job I had before was soul-sucking. Good pay and benefits, an awesome boss and coworkers, and working at my alma mater, a cause to believe in. However, data entry just isn't the career path I wanted to pursue. I am far too nerdy for that. Besides, I'm going to get married now, and he's going to graduate from the doctoral program soon and maybe get a job and maybe someday we'll have money (ha!), but at least we'll be able to combine incomes and that will be cheaper. I hope. This is all to say that maybe I don't address my particular beefs with masculinity enough on this here bloggity blog, even with it being my main focus of study. So here's a linky to a post at Sociological Images that shows girls playing with 'boy' toys. But we won't be seeing boys play with dolls or kitchen sets or anything! Heaven forbid! As if recognizing the fact that male persons will and do have home lives in which it should be required for them to participate equally in domestic tasks and child rearing would cause their little boy penises to fall off. And I just made you think of little boy penises, you perv! Anyway, Isaac and I plan to have three babies (no more, no less) as of now, which I know is a silly naive grad school fantasy that I'm totally going to pull off with no trouble with him staying home and us somehow still eating with my academic job and blahblahblah. But what I am confident of is that despite their skinny, neurotic, nerdy, possibly bearded tendencies, our kids are going to probably be inundated with anti-gender training. Please let us be the parents with the boy who likes to play house and the less-problematic but still slightly transgressive girl who wants to race cars. If my baby girls want to play princess I will try not to cry, because god knows I liked girly shit as a kid, but I will also warp them with prematurely critical feminist skills. Boy and girl kids. Fucked up they may be in social situations, but far less fucked up than the binary gender paradigm as it stands now. Love, Lauren "the future parent who is getting old (26) and serious enough to think about this shit way too much and maybe my biological clock has been ticking for several years and BEING A LADY IS COMPLICATED"

A few things I saw on the interwebs today

I, too, want to punch this goddamn Kay commercial in the face. Assvertising. (Melissa, Shakesville) Our favorite news source, HuffPo, asks why Ted Kennedy's son can't receive communion as the MAIN STORY on their "Politics" page. HOW IS THIS ANYBODY'S BUSINESS?! They act like ideological divides among Catholics are hot news. Pshaw, people. But anyway, mostly it reminds me of how I asked a vegan friend of mine recently if vegans could take communion, and besides pointing out that vegans can do whatever they want (contrary to popular belief, they do not have a law enforcement body), we decided that even if you really believe in transubstantiation or whatevs, Jesus totally gave his byproducts willingly, so it's cool. Never fear, Catholic vegans, I have solved a moral dilemma for you! Patrick Kennedy Communion Dispute Reveals Divide Among Catholics (fucking Huffington Post)

I address the Twilight thing

This is what happens when I drink energy drinks and try to make myself work on my thesis.

So, the Twilight stuff. It is written by a Mormon lady, so of course I knew about the books a long long time ago. See, the Mormons have this obsession with knowing who all the famous Mormons are, see? It is a great party trick sometimes. Like, "Hey, who doesn't love 'Midnight Train to Georgia'? Also, did you know Gladys Knight is a Mormon convert?" And people are like, "REALLY?" Here, I will now name some more notable Mormons because I'm supposed to be working on my thesis proposal and this is more fun: 1. Our pal GLENN BECK 2. Senate "Majority" Leader Harry Reid 3. Sci-fi icon and noteworthy gay-hater Orson Scott Card 4. The Osmonds, DUH 5. THIS GUY who you might recognize from his recent awesome appearance on the choir nerdgasm show "Glee," or from his childhood roles in "Jurassic Park" or as the duckboy who liked Stephanie on "Full House." His name is Whit and I met him when he was a counselor at a Mormon youth churchy conference thing in California in 2001. He was not my counselor, but was friends with our guy counselor and he did tons of hilarious and adorable performances at the various wholesome gatherings we had multiple times a day. Okay, but anyway, TWILIGHT. I read the first two books and they were really bad. I borrowed the third from my sister, but could never bring myself to read it. I mean I like a good trashy teen sci-fi novel as much as the next guy, but SRSLY. Vampires who sparkle? Native American werewolves? Hundreds of pages of lusting after somebody really kind of creepy and stalkerish and disturbingly pale by a girl who is completely devoid of personality? And then there's all the hype that is annoying and kind of scary what with the Twilight tattoos (so not Mormon!) and whatnot. But my interest was renewed recently when Isaac ordered the first movie from the Netflix and we watched it ironically with some friends. I was drinking, of course, and we were all horrified and amused by how abusive the "love story" is and also the complete lack of plot until, like, 2/3 of the way through the film. But so now we are excited about going to see the second one. In the theater! I never go to movies! I have never been to a film in a theater for pay here in Ohio because I am poor and cheap and most movies are terrible! But we are going to see "New Moon" tonight, and I will bring a flask, and I will laugh at inappropriate moments and we will hopefully ruin it for some lusty thirteen year-olds. Squee! Oh, but also, this is just a long, drawn out, procrastinatory excuse to post a link to my bloglady icon, Sady, who is charmed in spite of herself by Robert Pattinson's self-mockery and examines his possibly gender-defying objectification*: The Edward Cullen Underpants Conundrum (Tiger Beatdown). Hooray! She blogs again! *Mostly this just reminds me of my creepily serious junior high-era obsessions with Angel/David Boreanaz, John Stockton, Prince William, Mulder/David Duchovny. I REALLY wanted to kiss a boy. His particular personality was incidental.

Shockingly, Adam Lambert is not a feminist icon

He and Kate with all the babies have the same hairdresser: y/y?

The interwebz tell me that some pretty shiny guy from American Idol or whatever said some shit to a magazine:

To some people, me being sexual is really offensive because I’m gay. They’re like, ‘He’s being really gay.’ And I’m like, actually, ‘No, I’m just being sexual.’ Male sexuality is frightening to America [but] female sexuality is all over the place.

FALSE. There are multiple things going on here. Let me attempt to list them in a short, numeric manner: 1. "Female sexuality" is not everywhere. "Dudes's idea of what they want female sexiness to be so they can consume it is everywhere." Using pictures of naked ladies to sell everything from underwear to toothpaste to children's Tylenol is NOT a stand-in for actual female desires. MMMkay? 2. What's "frightening" is female sexuality in general because it upends traditional narratives of female passivity/essential asexuality (except for WHORES). So don't be trying to pretend you don't benefit from male privilege by being allowed to express an assertive sexuality at all. 3. What people fear from YOU, Adam Lambert, is the desiring of the male body. It undermines our ideals about masculinity, dominance, and heteronormativity as propped up by this dominance. Boys FUCK, they are not to BE FUCKED. Duh. 4. Also, you like sparkly shit and that messes with people's gender stereotypes. Which, ya know, is not the same thing as SEXUALITY, though it may or may not be closely tied to it, not that anyone besides me and a few select others really gives a shit about such definitions and/or debates. WHY DOES NOT EVERYONE HAVE TO TAKE A REQUIRED COURSE IN HIGH SCHOOL ON FEMINIST AND QUEER THEORY THAT TEACHES PEOPLE HEALTHY SEXUALITY AND BREAKS DOWN GENDER BINARIES AND GOOD GOD I WILL HAVE TO HOME-SCHOOL MY POOR CHILDREN WHO WILL ALREADY BE ALL SKINNY AND TOO SMART FOR THEIR OWN GOOD AND AWKWARD AND NEUROTIC BUT HOPEFULLY AT LEAST BEARDED LIKE MY MAN. So apologeez, future babies: but I have found counseling to be very helpful at certain critical junctures of my life. So what I am saying is that while I agree that there are some serious issues of homophobia in the world and in the media and whatnot, I think Adam Lambert is pretty uninformed about what constitutes representations of "sexuality" and/or sexual objectification in the public eye. That is all. Stupid Adam Lambert: GO TO COLLEGE (and take a gender studies class). Via Just Jared (linked above) and Jezebel, of course. P.S.: WANDA SYKES CAN DO NO WRONG. Although I am skeptical of her male sidekick on her new show, which I-Man and I watched on Saturday night because we love her. However, it was only episode 2, and I hope Fox gives her enough time to settle into a consistent (and no doubt AWESOME) tone.

This blog was really lacking posts about rape

Men never victimize women who carry weapon-y things! Oh, wait.

Remember a while back when I published that terrible email from Ye Olde University's police department about how some girl got raped, so everybody should try not to get raped by meeting new people, talking to them, or generally being alive? Amanda Hess over at The Sexist apparently received some sort of chain email that draws from supposed interviews with convicted rapists about how women can avoid being raped. Here's a hint: It does not contain the tip "Stay away from me. I'm the one who'll be wearing the 'RAPIST' t-shirt." (Rape Prevention Tips From Rapists: Stay Inside Or Die A Horrible Death ) Highlight of Amanda's awesome response: "You know the old saying: better off carrying a useless decorative cane than sorry." It's so true! Amanda effectively breaks down why these recommendations are such bullshit: they put all the onus on the ladies, trying to convince us that no matter what we do, we're wrong and are pretty much just asking to get raped. Which is, like, double bullshit because though we all already know to carry our keys sticking out between our fingers and to park under street lamps and not to talk to repulsive Axe-wearing dudebros, sometimes we still get raped! Usually by people we know, who aren't necessarily looking for a grocery store parking lot victim with an easily-grabbable ponytail! Actually they are often usually our friends, family members, or boyfriends! That is why people call it "date" or "acquaintance" or "marital" rape. But whatever. Nope, we should only teach women to "watch out" for bush-hiding strangers, to live in fear, and not, like, teach men to not be rapists for godssakes. But Lauren, you might say if you were an asshole, like, dudez are totally evolutionarily set up to be rapists sexually aggressive. Haven't you seen an Arby's/beer/car/power tools/name that thing marketed to guys commercial? They can't help it! And anyway, it's not like they're RAPISTS or something if they coerce you into sex or get you so drunk you don't know what's going on! Haha, RAPISTS are registered sex offenders who carry guns and knives and also are really good at hiding in the backseats of cars. If the dudes you KNOW and might voluntarily hang out with or invite into your apartment are rapists, too, how can we convince you that there's a set of rules that will keep you from being assaulted? Pay no attention to the patriarchy behind the curtain, ladies. AND WATCH OUT FOR BIZARRE FAKE BABY SCHEMES. (Seriously, go read the whole thing. It's horrible/awesome.) And anyway, if you're not going to get serious about carrying that deadly decorative cane with you everywhere, then all those convicted rapists are just going to assume that you wanted it.

Quote o' the Day plus other rambly stuff: SCOTUS, racism, Canada

Amanda Marcotte on how the Democrats will obviously push through Sonia Sotomayor's nomination while the minority party will attempt to score stupid political points:

Republicans will pretend to be outraged that Sotomayor is “racist” because she doesn’t believe that white people are better than everyone else, though perhaps they’ll branch out into arguments about how she’s not a woman because she’s both female and adult and she’s not a judge because she writes court decisions.

Supreme Court justice hearings as political theater (Pandagon) Rant I'm sure I've ranted before on this here blog: Stupid "reverse racism" bullshit. NO SUCH THING, ASSHOLES. Even if it is true that there are people of color who hate white people just for being white... well, it's not true. It's about resenting undeserved privileges afforded to whites. And let's face it, while I'm pretty awesome anyway and pretty much just have to send people pictures of myself and they'll be like, "Please, Lauren, come work for us/study on our tab/take over The Daily Show/other awesome things," I know I benefit from white privilege. Duh. Okay, bad example because the pictures would clearly demonstrate that I am a whitey white whitester. But anyway, I just don't understand getting pissed off about affirmative action. Oh, that highly qualified person of color who may or may not be more highly qualified than I am according to certain subjective standards got the job/position instead of me? There's a decent chance they've had to work harder and/or will have to continue to work harder to get where they are and also, it is likely that I will never even know who they hired instead or why. Duh. "Reverse discrimination" is not possible. It's called "let's try to stop screwing over people who have been historically subordinated quite so much, even if it will force those cute suburban white kids to feel the sting of rejection for once in their goddamn lives." IT IS NOT RACIST TO MENTION OR RECOGNIZE RACE AND/OR WORK TO MITIGATE THE EFFECTS OF AND ALSO END RACISM. But on a lighter note, I like to inform/remind people regularly that the Canadian Supreme Court dresses like Santa & Mrs. Claus: Look at how many lady judges they have! 50% of their highest court! How... how do the Quebecois say it? FAIR. (Though there's a lot of caucasian going on there, obvs.) And also, front and center is the Right Honourable (fun Canadian spelling!)* Beverley McLachlin, P.C. Chief Justice of Canada, LADY JUDGE, BITCHEZ! (They usually shorten that title a little bit, but I'm giving you the full official name for informational and also lady-gloating purposes.) *Ever since we saw an X-Files episode in which awesome Canadian actor William B. Davis AKA Cigarette-Smoking Man had lines about a diplomatic pouch that contained some space rock which in turn contained the black oil or something, Isaac and I cannot stop saying that word all Canadianly. Try it, it's fun: POUCH. /pʌʊtʃ/ Hee hee. What a cute word, amirite? BTW: Just discovered there is an Oxford Canadian Dictionary. Politely make a bit of room next to yourself there on the shelf, OED, the CanOD was wondering if perhaps it could join you in the reference section. If it doesn't trouble you too much, that is. It would be greatly appreciated.

Tears of clownishly over-emotional lady comics

Via Feministe, I have discovered a fellow named John Glenn Taylor who can explain to all of us why the ladies got to be cryin' all the time. I have often wondered what it is exactly that causes my feminine tear ducts to lose control and leak all over my face. Well, through extensive vintage romance comics research, JGT has uncovered and classified many of the situational triggers for this icky emotional response. 'Tis teh awesome: Panels 66: Why Chicks Cry (Easily Mused).

Other bloggers also concerned about booze and boozing

Much to my dismay, marketing executives seem to believe that if they do not blatantly direct their advertising towards, say, women, women will never realize that they want, nay, NEED this product and buy lots and lots of it, mostly in pink. Or like, it has to be covered with naked ladies playing football while eating bacon on top of a car in order for something to appeal to men. This is because said executives think people are stupid. They also think that commercials are good for anything besides elevating brand name recognition. Seriously, if it were up to me, most TV ads would be like:

• "McDonald's. Just reminding you that we're still cheap." (instead of that ridiculous new campaign to make them appear "hip" "diverse" and "urban" or whatever the hell is going on)
• "Clothes. Here are pictures of some of the new ones we have at Old Navy." (without those stupid mannequins making borderline offensive really clever quips)
• "Axe. Smelly shit for sexist assholes."
• "Apple. Our products are color-coordinated." (stop trying to convince us that John Hodgman is not way awesomer than that smug sweatshirted dude who is or isn't still dating Drew Barrymore)
• "Detergent. You, gender neutral person who washes his or her own clothes like any regular grownup rather than treating a romantic partner like a servant, need it."
• "All products from the beauty-industrial complex. Ladies: we've already convinced you you're inadequate, fat, ugly, and unlovable the way you are, so we'd appreciate it if you'd keep buying our stuff, and we'll stop making insulting ads."
• "Beer. Wait, why do we even bother advertising beer? You're going to buy it anyway."

Just a sampling of my own advertising genius. BTW, Madison Avenue, I'm taking calls. My new favorite blogger Sady at Tiger Beatdown takes apart Ketel One's "Remember when men could dress up in formalwear and play cards and drink vodka together? Oh, wait. They still can? Whatever, Ketel One is for dudez" ad. I am far more unsurprised than disappointed, despite my long-established love for Ketel One, esp. Citroen AKA CANDYJESUSORGASMMAGICSAUCE. Sady proves the commercial right by drinking some Ketel One and turning into the hottest piece of hairy-chested, mustachioed, short-shorted manmeat ever to grace '80s prime time television. Also, currently on the Retro Network every night at nine. Check out the funny: Calling the Ketel WHACK. (Tiger Beatdown) Also, the Apostate has captured quite accurately my inner response to non-drinkers (who aren't Mormon or anything obvious like that): "WTF? Don't you like fun and also delicious beverages?!" Choice Apostate quote: "[A]s we all know, it’s shared dysfunctionality that creates loving bonds between misanthropes." So true. Go readz it: You don't drink?!!. (The Apostate)

You wouldn't stick just ANY unnecessarily gender-identified item in your ear, would you?

Really? REALLY? REALLY?!!

So I have a new neighbor. I thought Karaoke Jesus was being replaced by another singing Jesus fan lady. That was apparently only temporary. For one Saturday morning a few weeks ago I was awakened by the sounds of a dude on the phone, trying to convince his girlfriend Sam that that "disgusting bitch" who drove his car home last night just dropped him off and they totally did not hook up. Choice highlights: "Don't let rumors ruin this!" "Let me come over and talk to you. What, you have plans? At 10:45 in the morning?" "I'm hungover as shit." "I love you so fucking much." "NOTHING HAPPENED." And I'm pretty sure nothing happened because I would have heard that shit. Since this time, Sam has yet to make an appearance, so as far as I know, they broke up over those rumors. My dear neighbor has come to be known as TV Guy. Why such a creative nickname, you ask? Because he watches a lot of TV. Really loudly. Like, all the time. Like he has a super-fancy sounding subwoofer hooked up to it right up against my bedroom wall and I can hear every line of dialogue. And then he sleeps with the TV on. He turns it down for that part, but it's still going when I wake up really early to go to one of my jobs. And speaking of jobs, I'm pretty sure TV Guy doesn't have one. Anyway, so I'm a light sleeper and this super-loud TV thing late at night when I have to work in the morning thing is not going to work. Did I mention he likes loud guitar music, both for listening and for playing on his own electric guitar? Also, he smokes a lot of pot that wafts into my window while I'm trying to sleep. I suppose the upside would be if I actually got a contact high and was able to sleep through his interminable viewings of super-noisy Simpsons episodes. After a few ridiculous nights, I was a little drunk and Isaac was over to encourage me, so I went ahead and knocked on the wall. I asked if he could turn the TV down, he did, and I said thank you through the wall. Even so, I decided that I needed to invest in some earplugs. I perused the earplug section at Kroger and discovered that there are far more options than one might expect in that department. But I spotted something so ridiculous and offensive that I was forced to buy it so I could take pictures and blog about it. These:

Only the slightly thinner, hot pink earplugs will work to block out my husband's snoring!

SCENE: Thursday night, Lauren is drunk. Super fucking loud action show bleeding through the wood paneling at nearly 3:00 in the morning when I have to work at 9:00. I am in bed with my pink earplugs in, it is still too loud, and Isaac confirms independently that the volume level is ridiculous. I do not want to get out of bed or be polite. I grab a romance novel and throw it at the wall. TV Guy reacts very quickly to turn it down. I hope this will be our last confrontation and he'll be like, "Hey, maybe on weeknights after midnight I should turn this shit down to under 11 because some people like my next door neighbor who has now both politely and irately indicated that the television might be too loud may have to get to sleep so they can work for a living in the morning. Also, I should stop having such emo hair. But the first part is a priority." Anyway, I can't get over the fact that this Hearos brand sells a) so many different types of earplugs and also some sort of pop can opener/lid thing (Why is that necessary? Pour it in a sippy cup, people! Buy a 20-ouncer with a twist-on lid. Seriously!), some special earbuds, and more and also b) WTF WHY DO LADIES HAVE TO HAVE SPECIAL EARPLUGS THAT ARE PINK?!! Are they PH balanced for a woman's ear? Do they secrete some especially lady-friendly vitamins for my special lady ear vitamin needs? I HATE MARKETING DEPARTMENTS. "Let's make it pink, say it's for women, and sell it as a separate product!" Great idea, assholes. Anyway, check out their "TV" site. Click on the dial for channel 2 for a great commercial. They are right about beauty sleep always being in fashion, though. I should tell TV Guy about that.

Quote o' the Day

Patriarchy-Blaming Matriarch Twisty Faster has stated essentially my thoughts exactly upon seeing the new Bayer "for teens" vitamins that emphasis healthy muscles for boys and good skin for girls: "Hey, Bayer Product Development Guy! The 50’s called, and they want their male chauvinist pig jibbajabba back!" PS- Is it just me or does the mustachioed man on the top left resemble a mischievous (and mostly-loathsome) Jimmy Kimmel to anyone else?

Pajama Diaries: Crappy comic confuses me

Last month this storyline ran in Terri Libenson's terrible comic:

Okay. WTF, right? Like, who doesn't know their kid can read? I'm always confused about shit like this because apparently having learned to read at age four makes me some sort of freak, but wouldn't they have been working on at least her letters with her at home? Isn't that what stereotypical white middle class parents do? Mine did. I mean, I wasn't even aware for the longest time that kids learned to read in school because when I was in kindergarten they sent me and Nicholas Kicklaus (I swear that was his name) out in to the hall to read books with older kids. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT YOUR CHILD CAN READ?! Pajama Diaries has definitely established how "busy" the mom in this comic is, but seriously. Also, unavailable as of yet online, but Sunday's PD included excuses for her to get out of sex with her husband. Nope, no stereotypes confirmed here.

More posty post

Still living the ROCKSTAR® lifestyle here, and not much work to do (avoiding a tedious project with no real deadline that I was only given because I ran out of other stuff to work on), so I'm a-gonna link link link to some good stuff on the Toobz. I'm just going to clear out my list before the weekend, so hold on to your hat! -Remember a while back when I was complaining about how HuffPo condemned their "Living" page to the Pink Ghetto? Well, apparently they took its former green color and made a "Green" page. Okay, fine. But you still didn't have to make all the articles about feelings pink. The Sexy Gay Jesus thinks it is in poor taste, too. And you should always trust The Sexy Gay Jesus on these issues.* But ANYWAY, through the new green Green page, I saw an article about one of my favorite afterschool television heroes, Bill Nye! He and Ed Begley, Jr., another ridiculous person, are neighbors and are trying to see who can be more environmentally friendly. Nerdy competitions that are good for the earth? 100 points awarded to each. Hey, remember when Bill Nye made that grass car? (Featured very briefly in video.) Glad to hear the Billster's still around, up to science-y shenanigans. Bill Nye, Ed Begley Compete to See Who's Greener. (Noaki Schwartz, Huffington Post) -Okay, so crazy, crazy Jesse Ventura has been talking about jumping into a Senate race close to my heart: AKA Al "Awesome Glasses" Franken v. Norm "How Do You People Not See What a Huge Douchebag He Is?!" Coleman. Colleen Werthmann has made some helpful (and awesome) diagrams to help you figure out who you should vote for in what is soon to be known as the 2008 Senatorial Clusterfuck. Minnesota's U.S. Senate race is crazying up nicely. (HuffPo's 23/6) -Apropos of the fact that I am (still) reading Naomi Klein's awesome, awesome book and learning about how Milton Friedman was an evil genius, I appreciated William K. Wolfrum's take on McCain's "economic plan." Prepared to run Milton Friedman's sixth term: John McCain lays out plans to 'starve the beast'. (William K. Wolfrum/Shakesville) -From a while back, The Apostate talks about turning into a bitch. And how it's awesome. I totally agree. Being a nice girl never got me shit, it just got me shit on. Learning to be assertive (still working on it) is a skill too many women never achieve. Don't put up with bullshit, people. You're a person.** I don't care if I come off as bitchy just because I stand up for myself. I'd rather be a bitch than a pushover. Any day. Learning to be a bitch. (The Apostate) -Our dear Hugo wrote a while back about boys and education. The Kathleen Parkers of the world like to claim that education is a zero-sum game: if girls do better, boys must do worse. This is, obviously, bullshit. There's not a finite amount of literacy in this world, people. Anyway, Hugo always comes at things in a really interesting way, and here he tackles some issues that have bothered me for a while about the whole gender/education/achievement mess. Poor white boys: school leaving, male under-performance, and the disaster of masculine anti-intellectualism. (Hugo Schwyzer) -And one more: My sister is the biggest badass at BYU. Pretty much. Goal: Become a legit Led Zeppelin fan: Led Zeppelin I (Cheerful Cynicism) *NOTE: I definitely get a good number of hits from people searching "sexy gay." These people must be severely disappointed that I am just talking about my imaginary gay best friend/deity of choice and do not actually feature porn. Sorry, gay Googlers! I hope you like nerdy U.S. history posting! Hey, Ulysses S. Grant was pretty hot. That's the best I can do. **"I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there's a person. And each person deserves to be treated... like a person."