Lauren Tells You How to Vote 2014!

Oh hey guys, tomorrow's Election Day. There are few things in this world I take seriously. These include the emotional roller coasters of Korean dramas, caffeine, high quality kleenex, and participatory democracy. GUYS, WE CAN VOTE AND IT WILL PROBABLY COUNT. This is, like, a big deal and hating all the candidates is not a valid excuse for opting out. People are terrible but people (remember, corporations also = people) run this country, so you should express a goddamn opinion for once in your life. Even if you think your one little vote cannot possibly make a difference, go cast it anyway. This is AMERICA and our laws and representatives should not be the result of 300 million people saying, "I dunno, who do you wanna vote for?" back and forth.

If you are like, "But I forgot to/never felt like registering to vote" THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE IN THE LIBERAL UTOPIA OF MINNESOTA. Minnesota has same-day voter registration. The requirements are easy, you need an ID and proof of address or another registered voter willing to vouch for your name and place of residence. Here is an easy link to find out your polling place. Those are the practical questions answered about how/where to vote. If you don't live in Minnesota, look up your state's Secretary of State's website and there should be a section on voter information. Another option nationwide is the League of Women Voters' Vote411 site, which provides non-partisan info on registration, polling places, and actual voters' guides. You have no excuses. I was just having some trouble with the state's website, so I'm using my local Ramsey County Elections page to get a personalized sample ballot.

They give a sticker to lord your responsible citizenship over other people with. It's great!

Now I will provide you with my personal voting guide since you are probably still too lazy to do any research and this forces me to do so. (TL; DR vote for all the Democrats)

US Senate- Al Franken (DFL)
Duh. He's the nation's most adorable, hard-working, clever, and did I mention adorable? senator. Let's not let this one be so close, guys. Al Franken: he will take you to the doctor to take out your stitches and also make sure you've got affordable insurance. I've given that guy, like $50 or something and I don't even have a job.

US House District 4- Betty McCollum (DFL)
Vote Betty! She is a badass lady protecting ladyrights all over the place.

Governor and Lt. Governor- Mark Dayton and Tina Smith (DFL)

Attorney General- Lori Swanson (DFL)

Secretary of State- Steve Simon (DFL)
He is the most generic white man you've ever seen, but he promises to protect Minnesota's progressive voting laws and recommends not voting for people who don't want people to be able to vote. I think that's pretty good advice.

State Auditor- Rebecca Otto (DFL)

State House District 64A- Erin Murphy (DFL)
She's the House Majority leader and the MN House has kind of been killing it lately, so let's keep riding that train.

Ramsey County Commissioner District 4- Toni Carter
She's unopposed, but vote for her anyway because she seems pretty cool. She and her son, another local politician, spoke together at the Franken GOTV event I went to a few weeks ago (Oh, Hillary Clinton was there too, NBD.) and they were adorable and they should run for Pres/VP on a Carter/Carter ticket.

County Sheriff- Matt Bostrom

County Attorney- John J. Choi

Conservation District Supervisor District 1- Paul Gardner

Conservation District Supervisor District 4- Carrie Wasley

State Supreme Court Associate Justice 2- Mimi Wright
Her opponent is named "John Hancock" (sure) and has been working as a special agent for the DHS. That makes me nervous for some reason.

State Supreme Court Associate Justice 3- David Lillehaug

Court of Appeals and 2nd District Court judges all running unopposed- vote or don't vote for them I don't care, I'm not finding easy info on these races or candidates.

No ballot measures.

GO VOTE TOMORROW, YOU ASSHOLES. If you don't, a bald eagle will cry. Majestically, sure, but you still don't want that.

Elbridge Gerry: Salamanderian Vice President

What are you gonna do about it, motherfucker?

At long last, it's time for another vice presidential post, friends! I picked this guy because he has a funny-looking name. Elbridge Thomas Gerry (pronounced like "Gary") was born in Massachusetts in 1744 to a family of merchants. If you were like, "WTF kind of name is Elbridge?" I will tell you! It's one of his maternal ancestors' last names or whatever. Elbie was the third of eleven children in the Gerry family, only five of whom survived to adulthood because old-timey times. He studied with tutors from a young age and went to Harvard at 14, where he would eventually earn bachelor's and a master's degree in somethingorather. In the 1760s, Gerry joined his father's business and made some $$. Or at least my notes just say "$$" right there, so I'm going to assume that's what that was supposed to mean. Elbridge's dad was involved in the local militia and politics. Presumably those contacts were useful to Elbridge as he took an interest in politics himself. He was against Parliament taxing the colonies and was in correspondence with Samuel and John Adams about such issues.

THERE HE IS!

The 'Bridge got himself elected to some kind of provincial legislature, worked with his pal Sam Adams, something something a committee of correspondence and a riot over smallpox inoculations. He did some other shit, but refused a seat at the First Continental Congress because his father had recently died and he needed to stick close to home. Back in the provincial assembly, Gerry used his foreign business contacts to support the new Continental Army. He did attend the Second Continental Congress, supported the passage of the Declaration of Independence, and was one of its signatories. Good job, Elbridge Gerry, that is an important document! He didn't want too much power centralized in the federal government, got in a bit of a snit about it, and resigned from the congress over it. He came back to the epically useless Confederation Congress in 1783, though. He couldn't quit you, fledgling United States government!

In 1786, Gerry married Ann Thompson, the (much-younger) daughter of a merchant. James Monroe was his best man. They had ten kids in fourteen years, to which my mother would (awkwardly) say, "You guys need to get cable." All that old timey child-bearin' pretty much destroyed Ann's health. Nice job, Elbbzz. But enough about his dick. Gerry made money during the Revolutionary War, after which he sold his business(es?) and invested in land, including Elmwood Estate, which would become the family compound or something. In 1787, Gerry served as a representative to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia. He was against the 3/5 Compromise and the popular election of Senators. Mixed bag on that one. He actually spoke out against ratification because he believe the Constitution needed to list citizens' personal liberties and refused to sign the document. At some point during state ratification proceedings, Gerry got into a shouting match with another representative and got thrown out. Pretty badass.

"SRSLY, you're not going to include a bill of rights?"
With fellow dissenters George Mason and Edmund Randolph at the National Constitution Center.** Source.

Gerry was nominated as an Anti-Federalist candidate for Governor of Massachusetts in 1788, but was defeated by one big-signatured fellow by the name of John Hancock. Gerry did, however, get nominated and actually served two terms in the very first sessions of the U.S. House of Representatives. From the House, he helped shape the Bill of Rights. He was big on the Second Amendment, the militia-having part, because he was nervous about standing armies. He may or may not have* accused such an institution as being dangerously similar to a "standing member," which shows you that the right to bear arms has always been about penises. Gerry was a supporter of Alexander Hamilton, who, as we know, is on the ten (What have you done?).

In 1792, Gerry decided to take a break from politics to go home to Massachusetts and take care of his approximately 134 children and ailing wife. He did serve as a presidential elector for his old colleague John Adams in 1796 and stayed strategically friendly with both Adams and Jefferson. In 1797, Adams sent Gerry to France as part of a diplomatic mission to Talleyrand. THIS TRIP DID NOT GO WELL (See: XYZ Affair). Gerry was temporarily tarnished by the whole debacle. In 1800, Gerry officially joined the Democratic-Republican Party, but he couldn't get elected to governor of Massachusetts (again) and went back into semi-retirement since by now his brother had somehow managed to fuck up the whole family's finances.

If anything, that's like, a dragon or some shit.

Gerry was finally elected the state's governor in 1810, despite claims that he was a "French partizan." Things got dicey in 1812 when the Republican-controlled state legislature redrew districts to benefit its own party. Detractors (who are bad at animals) claimed the boundaries of one district were so nonsensical and partisan, that it resembled a salamander, attributed the scandal to the leader of the state's party, and the word "Gerrymander" was born. Over time the voiced velar stop (/g/) of Gerry's last name shifted to a voiced alveo-palatal affricate (/dʒ/) in the portmanteau's pronunciation. That's some Parks & Rec shit. Also there was that whole "War of 1812" situation heating up, Governor Gerry tried to sue some Federalist newspapers for libel, and he lost reelection in 1812, though his compatriots in the legislature gained from their own line-drawing and recaptured majorities.

At this time, because of his shattered finances, Gerry asked President James Madison for a federal position to help support his family. He was chosen as Madison's running mate for the 1812 election, though he really was second choice. Gerry was considered a safe choice for vice president because he would appeal to Northern voters and would not threaten Monroe's position as Madison's heir apparent. Of course, Madison and Gerry were elected, and Elbridge spent his short term in office worrying about Federalist newspapers and pulling partisan moves during the War of 1812. Unfortunately, while working at the Capitol one day in 1814, Gerry suddenly fell ill and died that night. His sickly wife outlived him. He had paid off his brother's debts with his VP salary, so he was only able to leave his family the land they owned. Gerry was interred in Washington, D.C. and is the only signer of the Declaration to be buried in the District. One of his sons and a grandson would ultimately serve in Congress, but Gerry's greatest legacy is being the eponym for a shady election tactic.

*Too lazy to verify if this quote is real.
**Guys, Aimee Mann and Ted Leo (The Both) tell a great story about when they played Aimee's "Save Me" for some awards ceremony for Hillary Clinton at the National Constitution Center WHICH IS WHERE THESE STATUES ARE FROM. Why aren't you listening to The Both by The Both right now on repeat like I have been for a couple of weeks? We saw them last weekend here in Minneapolis and I'm not saying that I want to join them in a non-platonic musical/comedy trio or anything, but I'm not not saying that, either.

That Old Chesnut: I'm still going to call them buffalo

Guys, you know what is a fun word? BUFFALO. It is silly. And so are the animals! I mean these guys:

They are like bros at the gym who only lift weights on the upper half of their bodies.

But no! Did you know that you have been calling these fellows buffaloes all of your life, but they are NOT (scientifically speaking) actually buffaloes. Nay, they are BISON. Surely you are familiar with this term, but you probably like me either thought it was interchangeable with "buffalo," or didn't care if it was inappropriate to use with the American bison because it is fun to say. But in fact, buffalo refers to various oxen-type animals living in Eurasia and Africa. Maybe people in North America wanted to pretend that bison were totally just like other buffaloes so they wouldn't feel so bad about this. Though there are also European bison that look at lot like the American kind and are called wisent.*

Does anybody else feel like this is a little bit racist?

But so the word buffalo's origins! I know you are all deeply invested in etymologeez, which is why you read That Old Chesnut so voraciously,** so I have consulted the OED (which I won't bother linking because if you don't have a subscription through a university library or you are so nerdy you have paid for a personal one, you cannot actually access it). But you can believe me that I am faithfully reporting to you that "buffalo" came into English by way of Greek, Latin, and ultimately probably Portuguese to mean a type of antelope or any wild ox basically. So technically speaking, that should extend to American bison because what is it but a big bovine thing? But so water buffalo (domesticated and wild), the anoa or dwarf/midget buffalo (not so PC, science), and probably some other animals are actually buffalo, while bison are not.

To review:

Don't worry, I still love our fake American buffalo, and will continue to call them that. But I'll know the truth, and so will you. Now go be one with this. You're welcome.

*Also the name of a Polish vodka flavored by bison grass. I believe I drank it in some sampler flight at Moscow on the Hill once and was like, "Not so much on this one."
**Haha, just kidding, I know people only come here to read energy drink reviews or that classic Andrew Jackson presidential post. Or you read Captain Awkward. Sweet, wonderful, wise Captain Awkward. Or you're looking for Sexy Gay Jesus porn. Sadly, you will have to make your own, but could you please let me know when it happens?

ELECTIONINNNG

Guys, I feel America in my heart and soul. There are few things besides an episode of Parenthood that make me cry these days because of the high level of booze and Prozac constantly in my system, but GODDAMNMMIT I love the fucking West Wing and I fucking love the idea of what America could be. Our system is fucked, and a large, sad number of Americans lack an appreciation of empathy, but goddamn if Barack Obama isn't awesome at talking and I don't fucking buy into that shit.

I'm still waiting on results for the fucked-up marriage amendment here in MN, but I love that even in this day and age, I can believe in progress. If there's one thing I figured out as an ethnic studies instructor in the past few years, it's that discussions of race are still messed up, but the vast majority of kids younger than me (we're all Millennials, I guess?) coming of age now don't give a fuck about how/if you are gay.

I am so full of optimism and cynicism all at the same time. Which I think puts me squarely in the camp of everybody's favorite pess-Americanist Sarah Vowell. Fake god/the Sexy Gay Jesus bless us all.

Lauren's Super-Special St. Paul Voting Guide

Guys, it's been a long time since I last told you how to vote. But since this is kind of an important election and I am pumped to be back in Minnesota in a Democratic-heavy area, I'm a-gonna make sure you know how you should vote. If you live in my area. But SRSLY, there is an Obama campaign office a couple blocks down the street, and I have been GOTV canvassed multiple times by nice middle-aged white ladies. I feel good about making their jobs a bit easier by answering the door and agreeing with them and taking their election reminder materials. But anyway, here's my very own voter guide for all my neighbors, starting with the most important and exciting races:

Judicial Branch
The Minnesota Second Judicial District Court (Ramsey County). There are a total of 29 judges in our district, and eleven seats are up for election this year. Each of these eleven judges is running unopposed. Unless you have some personal beef against one of them or a hilarious write-in candidate, you should probably just vote for them all.

The Minnesota Court of Appeals. Judges Jill Flaskamp Halbrooks and Renee L. Worke are running for reelection. Both are unopposed. This should not be a difficult decision.

The Minnesota Supreme Court. Chief Justice Lorie "Super-Scandinavian Maiden Name" Gildea is running for reelection. She seems like a good choice to me since the guy she's running against, Dan Griffith, has lots of feelings about individual rights and says that "Ayn Rand was right" on the front page of his campaign website. So he is clearly a douche. Do not vote for him.

Associate Justice Barry Anderson is running for reelection. He seems largely inoffensive, plus he's a national judge for the We the People competition, which we totally had to do as part of our AP Government class in high school. His opponent is Dean Barkley, whose biggest claims to political fame appear to involve taking part in Jesse Ventura's gubernatorial administration and serving as a interim U.S. senator for several weeks following the death of Paul Wellstone in 2002.  Barkley may or may not be a drunk who enjoys hot tub snorkeling.

Associate Justice David Stras is also running for reelection. His opponent Tim "Fear God" Tingelstad is really committed to spreading the "Light of [God's] Truth" through judgments or something. If Justice Stras has strong feelings about Jesus, he has tactfully refrained from crowing about them on his campaign website, so he clearly wins my vote.

School District
School District Question #1 ("Strong Schools, Strong Communities Referendum"). Vote yes to renew the school levy. I don't really pay property taxes, so I don't care if they go up, but if I did, I would vote yes anyway. FOR THE CHILDREN.

Ramsey Conservation District
Three Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor positions are up for election this year. Each seat is voted on at-large in Ramsey County, but the candidates must live within the district they are running to supervise. I'm going to vote for all the incumbents running: Gwen Willems (District 2), Mara Humphrey (District 3, unopposed), and Margaret Behrens (District 5).

State Constitutional Amendments
Now we're getting to the good stuff (sorry, MN Supreme Court).

Proposed Amendment 1 would super-double-emphasize that only one dude and one lady are allowed to marry each other in Minnesota (it's already the law). Vote NO, duh. The amendment is homophobic. The Sexy Gay Jesus will quit speaking to you if you support this amendment.

Proposed Amendment 2 would require state-issued photo identification to vote in Minnesota. Minnesota is currently one of the easiest states to vote in, same-day registration is allowed if somebody already registered in your district vouches for you (especially important for college students, who have out-of-state permanent addresses, and/or people who have recently relocated), and is the national leader in voter turnout. Voter ID laws disproportionately affect youth, the elderly, the poor, and people of color. Don't let anyone tell you that this is about preventing "voter fraud," which is basically nonexistent in the U.S. Requiring the acquisition of photo ID to vote constitutes a poll tax; this is illegal and unconstitutional. Vote NO. Obvs. Otherwise the Democracy Fairy will cry.

State Legislature
State Representative Rena Moran for District 65A is running for reelection as the DFL (Democratic-Farmer-Labor) candidate. DFL State Senator Sandy Pappas is also running for reelection in Senate District 65. Vote for both of them.

Federal Office
Badass U.S. Representative Betty McCollum (DFL) is running for reelection in Congressional District 4. There is something wrong with you if you do not vote for her. Also, you hate women. The also awesome U.S. Senator Amy Klobuchar (DFL) is running for reelection. If you don't vote for her, you probably have no heart. So many fabulous Minnesotan lady candidates! Do not pay attention to this one.

While we'd all love to vote for Green Party candidate Jill Stein, since we actually agree with her, we have a two-party winner-takes-all system.* Because I fear an Oven Mitt Romney presidency far more than I fear living with Barack Obama's moderate views, I will vote to reelect the President.** Also, he is great with kids. Just think what he could do with a Democratic Congress!

Consult your local League of Women Voters website. Go the fuck to the polls tomorrow, if you haven't voted already. And especially if you live in Ohio.

Love,
Lauren

P.S. Ann Friedman has gotten together some silly gifs to remind you of the best parts of this election season.

*Go watch this video about how a two-party system is an inevitable result of our political structure.
**You're welcome for that $25 dollars I have donated to you over the course of the campaign. That's only like a 99.98% failure rate for your fundraising emails. 

Another Thing I Did Before: The Taft House in Cincinnati

On the same trip as our exciting visit to the Creation Museum back in March, Isaac and I also hit up the William Howard Taft National Historic Site, featuring a tour of President/Chief Justice Taft's childhood home and a museum that had animatronic Taft family members and strange political cartoons. This was my first time in Cincinnati, and I was able to see that there are buildings, the Ohio River, and this museum there. It was a very thorough visit. (We stayed in a hotel on the Kentucky side of the river by the airport that was full of youth soccer players and ate dinner at a generic strip mall sports bar nearby.) But I think we all know that Taft is a favorite of mine. He was a large man, mustachioed, and rumored to enjoy a good soak in the bubble bath.

The president's robot son Charlie enjoys fishing and gossiping about all his family members.

Taft was so good at being a Republican, that he sometimes turned into an elephant.

Here is where I made Isaac stand by the servants' entrance. It was a large house, but we did not get to see any bathtubs.

This is the gate in front of the pretty house. This was a busy street. The energetic tour ranger was wearing a microphone headset, which was only made slightly less awkward when a man and his young son joined us on the house tour, so then there were four of us.

I made Isaac stand by the parking lot.

I am pointing to a tiny buffalo.

This is the president's more successful son (U.S. Senator) Robert Taft, but he is not a robot, just a discolored bust in the parking lot.

I picked up a Taft/Sherman 1908 campaign button I have begun wearing on my favorite corduroy blazer. No one has asked me about it because everyone else is an uninformed, unpatriotic LOSER. All in all, not the coolest of the presidential homes I have visited here in Ohio, but worth checking off the list and buying more history nerd shit from park rangers.

A thing that I did before: Political participation nonsense

Oh hey, while in the depths of depression/despair, I have still managed to do shit with myself. One of these things was participate in a PROTEST. I know, right? Ol' Lazypants McGee here managed to attend an anti-douche rally. Back on March 3, Douche Republican (redundant, eh?) Rep. Bob Latta invited several douchebags to a fake holiday dinner on the BGSU campus. I joined friends for a serious/silly protest of the celebration of Douche Rick Santorum, Doubledouche Newt Gingrich, and WTFdouche Grover Norquist. I bought brightly-colored posterboard and made some motherfucking signs:

SRSLY, though. Nobody wants THAT yeast infection.

Right, though? He just reminds me of listening to CBS programming at the far end of the dial on my clock radio when I was still in elementary school. Also: episodes of "Cybill."

Friends bravely protest the appearance of these bastards despite, like, freezing temperatures.

I love how dudes with multiple grad degrees (Santorum) love to smear current grad students who are merely trying to offset their loans by indoctrinating your little 19 year-old babies.

.

Fashion criticism is the most important part of every political protest.

It was cold and very few people understood my combined Taft/Norquist bathtub sign joke, but I marched in circles for, like, an hour or something, reveling in my own  cleverness.

This is a thing I did.

Diet madness and anxiety

Hey friends! Remember our buddy the I Love America Diet? I finally edited some old footage for your delightful consumption. Brock and Cynthia and I made "ham and cheese crescent pinwheels" and were drunk and also there are silly America's Next Top Model-themed songs:



As mentioned in the headline, I am an unfortunate ball of anxious energy these days. This translates into procrastination, frustration over procrastination, and occasional emotional breakdowns that require watching all six parts of the BBC (AKA Firthy Version) Pride and Prejudice miniseries in one sitting. But besides hating everything right now, ladies and gents, I has another funny friend! My buddy Rebekah (whom you may remember from her appearances in the french-toasted tuna sandwiches videos) is blogging about apartment living, household decor, pop culture references, nerdiness, and being generally amusing at The Apartment Dweller's Survival Guide. Go look at the pretty pretties and love it. I will try to churn out something creative soon if this last semester of taking classes and teaching doesn't COMPLETELY destroy my soul. Or I'll just work on the giant jigsaw puzzle on the floor some more (under 1500 pieces is a waste of time in my opinion).

Whatevs,
L

President's Day: Hey, remember when I used to write awesome presidential posts?

From Iotacons by Andy Rash. Love.

Guys, today is President's Day. However, my university clearly hates both Washington and Lincoln and most especially Chester A. Arthur, so I do not have the day off. However, I do have pages of notes on a couple of presidents still floating around, awaiting my attention during another bout of procrastination, so I do mean to finish up my posts about all of them in the near future. In the meantime, I thought I'd gather them all up for your browsing pleasure so you can remember all that awesome stuff I used to write before grad school broke my soul (and some I've written in the midst of the breaking process):

0. The Articles of Confederation: America's first, failed government and pre-Washington presidency (7.10.08)
1. George Washington: Father of Functional Drug Addiction as Well as His Country (8.15.09)
2 and 3. Jefferson and Adams: America's First Frenemies? (4.24.08)
4. UPDATE: James Madison: Jefferson II, Basically (10.16.12)
5. James Monroe: College drop-out with impressive resume (3.11.09)
6. John Quincy Adams: More accomplished than George W. Bush, less successful? (10.9.09)
7. Andrew Jackson: Old Dick-ery, if you know what I mean (7.19.09)
8. Martin Van Buren: He had a lot more nicknames than terms of office (4.17.08)
9. William Henry Harrison: He didn't die of hypothermia, people (5.26.10)
10. The ascendancy of John Tyler: Possible unconstitutional coup! (11.6.08)
11. James K. Polk: America's first (and greatest) mulleted president (3.27.08)
12. Zachary Taylor: Army guy, probably not assassinated (6.17.10)
13. Millard Fillmore: Lucky(?) President Number 13 (7.19.10)
14. Drunk Franklin "Baby" Pierce, helping sectional divides right along (11.20.08)
15. James "Doughface" Buchanan: Crappy president (7.24.08)
16. Do you know him, the Abraham Lincoln? (2.12.09)
17. Andrew Johnson: Impeachably lame (5.16.09)
18. Ulysses S. Grant: America's Greekest General-President (6.12.08)
19. Rutherford B. Hayes: Uncontroversial man elected controversially (1.8.09)
      Special presidential double feature: I go to the Hayes Presidential Center
20. James A. Garfield Extravaganza Part 1 and Part 2 (06.2009)
21. Chester A. Arthur: Possibly Secretly Canadian-Born President of Civil Service Reform (09.25.08)
22 and 24. Grover Cleveland: That mustache is hiding more than a tumor! (7.28.11)
23. Benjamin Harrison: Kinda like Jenna Bush (5.22.08)
25. McKinley: America's most spineless veteran president (9.18.08)
26. Teddy Roosevelt: America's Most Cartoonish President to Date (4.3.08)
27. "Big Lub" Taft: "Presidency? Meh." (3.26.09)
28. Woodrow Wilson: I think I might've dated that guy in college (4.24.10)
29. Warren G. Harding: Tragically being stripped of his "Worst President Ever" title by the current administration (4.10.08)
      Warren G. Harding: Kind of unimpressive house, in all honesty (8.24.09)
30. Calvin Coolidge: Coolly avoiding blame for the Great Depression (6.26.08)
31. Herbert Hoover: Not actually a fake name (9.16.09)
32. FDR: You think you know, and you probably do know some of it (10.9.08)
34. DDE: Looks like a Roman numeral, but is actually a U.S. president! (3.5.09)
35. JFK: Sickly, and not in the sweet way (1.23.09)
36. Landslide Lyndon Johnson: Fraudiest president ever? (5.1.10)
37. Richard Nixon: I think we all know too much already (9.29.11)
38. Gerald Ford: Unelected jock president (5.8.08)
39. Jimmy Carter will beat us all to peanut heaven (5.17.11)
40. Ronald Reagan was a fat child (11.10.09)
41. Read my lips: No second term for you, buster. (George H. W. Bush) (10.23.08)
42. Clinton research IN PROCESS
43. GWB research TOO DEPRESSING TO START
44. I refuse to write an Obama post while he is still in office. I can't wait to write up a Future President Romney post, though!

Enjoy my friends, this long journey will end one day and I will write up VPs or states or something (didn't I start that once?). Or I'll just keep live-blogging Lifetime movies. Either way.

Pluggers and the Bleakness of American Life

Oh hey guys, it's been some time since I took the easy way out by making fun of one of America's worst cartoons. These Pluggers panels from the past couple of months revisit some of our favorite reader-supplied themes of depravity, hypocrisy, and hopelessness. In the form of cheerful, anti-intellectual giant human-animal mutant people, of course! Let's do this thing:

I'd make a bestiality joke, but since the characters are already animals, aren't we just witnessing a douchey Plugger bear husband trying to pressure his Plugger (fox?) wife into having a threesome with the family pet? Yeah, I went there.

Lest you think I'd forgotten one of this comic's most common themes, this couple brings us back to the importance of prescription drug abuse in the lives of Pluggers. Also, that chicken lady is about to eat a turkey. Ew.

I'll be honest, I have no idea what the joke is supposed to be in this comic, but I am amused by how fat that cat is.One of my students today's "weird/memorable fact" about themselves was his family's 35-pound cat. Few things are funnier than really fat cats.*

If Dogman here is so goddamn set on trite but apparently compulsory displays of patriotism, you'd think he could afford to just fucking buy another pin.

Pluggers is pretending to be sexually progressive! It's almost cute in its "totally missing the point"-ness.

I'm not going to write out a specific joke about Chickenlady's husband's severe incontinence problem, but I just wanted you to know that's where this panel took me. You're welcome.

Not only do Pluggers have massive prescription drug addictions that are probably the only thing keeping the unholy man-beasts alive at this point, but their drugs are all "not fit for human consumption" and whatnot too!

*Seriously, Google image search that shit. You will NOT be sorry.

Celebrating 600 posts with French toasted tuna sandwiches

Yeah, I've had this blog for awhile. Also, I finally managed to edit our French-toasted tuna sandwich adventure down to 10 minutes. Huzzah for ridiculous recipes from the I Love America Diet!

The I Love America Diet Caters Your Next Party!

Guys, have you been looking for that perfect snack to serve your friends that will impress them and also fill them with cheese, patriotism, and federal dietary standards? Phyllis Ann George has come through for you, then!

Brock and I made the Beef and Cheese Log. It is as ridiculous as it sounds:

Understanding the basics of the I Love America Diet

This weekend my buddy Brock came over and worked on some I Love America Diet stuff. By finishing the birthday Kraken and taking one costumed late-night trip to Wal-Mart for supplies, we were able to produce enough material for two videos. This first lays out some basic elements of the diet and tells you how to manage your boozing in a skinny and patriotic way. The construction of the beef and cheese log to come soon!



(Excuse the video quality, I can only do so much with a built-in webcam and a really bright lamp on one side and whatever, it's good enough for comedy.)

Richard Nixon: I think we all know too much already

If I had a mansion and an unlimited government budget, I'd build a bowling alley in my house too. So impeach me!

Richard Milhous Nixon was one of four sons born to a Quaker family in California in 1913. A sickly child, he was not a great athlete, but excelled as a debater in school, was a good student, and helped run his dad's grocery store. Though he earned a tuition scholarship to Harvard, Richard stayed close to home to help take care of his family because of sickness/death/obligation. He went to Whittier College, where he was originally snubbed by some literary douchebags and had some girflriend or something. He then earned a full scholarship to Duke University Law School. He competed with his classmates to successfully to keep his scholarship, became a school leader, and graduated third in his class. He was a try-hard to say the least.

The Richard tried to join the FBI, but eneded up being admitted to the bar and working in corporate and probate law in California. He did not want to do divorce cases, though, because single ladies who were sexually active apparently made him uncomfortable. Shock, shock. Richard M.  met his wife Pat Ryan in a local theater production. (Undubitably a less sexy situation than Who Am I This Time?) But after he wore her down, they finally got married in 1940 and later had two daughters, Tricia and Julie. They moved to D.C. and R.Nix joined the Navy in 1942 because that's what you did then. He wanted some action but ended up never seeing any combat in the South Pacific.

Then he was chosen by some smoke-filled room to represent the California 12th District in Congress, a seat he won on an anti-Communist campaign. In the House of Representatives, Nixard was on HUAC (also shock), and served a key role in the Alger Hiss case. Tricky Dick was reelected in 1948 and subsequently used more of his Communist scare tactics to win a Senate seat in 1950. He and the infamous McCarthy were totes buddies. Nixon criticized Truman's Korean War policies. Then, in a sudden promotion, Nixon was chosen as Eisenhower's running mate in 1952, and was totally willing to do all the campaign dirty work. At one point, though, he was driven to give his famous Checkers speech about the family dog in order to ward off allegations that he was accepting unauthorized campaign funds. Or something. So Dick and Ike were successful and won the executive branch that year.

Remember when dudes unironically called themselves "Dick"? Me neither.

mysterious white-ish film. BUT ANYWAY: RNix was all set to run for prez in his own right in 1960. But he had the tragic misfortune of running against one of America's most attractive presidential candidates (besides his brother who was hotter but got shot earlier in his career, if I may be so crass/complimentary). Then they debated on TV, and words no longer mattered, only the activity of one's sweat glands, and Nixon did not look cute with a 5:00 shadow and blahblahblah voter fraud and Kennedy won.

Losey McLoser Nixon moved his family back to California where he practiced law and unsuccessfully ran for governor in 1962. After Alger Hiss said some shit about him on TV, the public gained a little bit more sympathy for the DickNix, and he took the opportunity to move back East to NYC where he practiced law some more. He wouldn't run again for president in 1964, but instead supported other Losey McLoser Goldwater in '64 and Republican congressional candidates in '66. I don't know if you guys know this, but some shit happened in America during the '60s. (DUH. Didn't you watch that terrible Julia Stiles and Jerry O'Connell-starring miniseries from the '90s that Isaac used as an excuse to ask me over to his place to hang out during the one week we were only "hanging out" before we become an official couple on Facebook and everything?! Because from what I remember between disgustingly strong cups of Kamchatka and some sort of unimportant mixer is that it was terrible.) Anyway, there was some escalation in the 'Nam and RFK got killed and Johnson though it best not to run again, and basically it was the best time ever to try to be president again.

So Rilhous became the Republican nominee on the first ballot and chose little-remembered but totally resignatory VP Spiro T. Agnew as his running mate. Nix-O ran against former MACALESTER COLLEGE Poli Sci professor Hubert Humphrey and used phrases like "peace with honor" and "law and order" (totally not racist dog whistle terms about urban unrest) and something about a "secret plan" to end the war in Vietnam to win. Also, there was George Wallace who I read a biography about in a 20th century American history class a couple of years ago and he was crazy but later pretended not to be racist but seriously he was never actually going to win but was surprisingly successful but managed not to spoil this election anyway, and Nixon won. FINALLY.

As president, Ricardo Nixono went to China and made out with Mao (diplomatically), he bombed Cambodia and invaded Laos, which was totally a de-escalation of the war if he said it was. He totally overreacted to the 1971 publishing of the Pentagon Papers, interfered in Chile (sorry, Chile), signed the SALT I treaty, and let the draft end in 1973. He had some sort of doctrine in the Middle East, but sold people arms, reluctantly supported Israel, and helped bring about the first of many oil crises. He didn't object to the EPA/save the earth hippie shit brought before him, but he didn't so much like Ted Kennedy's "universal healthcare" ideas. While those one dudes were on the moon, they called President Nixon and had what was an assuredly awkward conversation. He totally did not benefit from that alleged "Southern strategy" which never existed, but he did claim his 1972 opponent George McGovern was totally for "amnesty, abortion, and acid." Though if that were true, I have to say he'd have gotten my hippie-ass vote. Unfortunately I was not to be born for over a decade.

ANYWAY: RMN got reelected HARD. But not so long after, there was this weird hotel scandal of some kind. Nixon ended up resigning over it, but luckily his handpicked successor Gerald Ford was able to pardon him for any crimes he totally unknowingly may have or have not committed. After a short but serious illness, Nixon participated in what would become political movie porn for Aaron Sorkin fans, the 1975 Frost/Nixon interviews. (Listen, if The Damn United or 30 Rock  wasn't enough to make you love Michael Sheen [not a brother of Charlie], this will. Who knew 1970s TV host smarm could be so attractive?) Anyway, he knew he'd been a sleaze. At least on some level.

Then Richard Nixon wrote a bunch of books and supported that totally obscure Reagan guy, attended the funeral of the notorious Shah of Iran, and eventually died of a stroke in 1994 in New Jersey. Richard Nixon has been played by many actors. Since I was in fourth grade when he died, two decades after he left office in disgrace, these fictional depictions are my strongest memories of him as a president. It is strange to me that though he was such an important person in recent U.S. history and our lifetimes overlapped, I don't remember anything about him outside of his historical or cultural legacy. But seriously, did I mention how fucking good Frost/Nixon was? Because I just saw that recently. He's almost a sympathetic character--who DRUNK DIALS. Not that I would ever do anything like that. Would I, friends?

The I Love America Diet

Oh hi America,

Sorry I haven't written in so long. The thing is, I've been busy solving your goddamn obesity crisis. You're welcome:

Jimmy Carter will beat us all to peanut heaven

Several months ago, I did research on former United States President James Earl Carter! I never wrote a post. Now I will do so. My last presidential post was many moons ago with my write-up of Millard Fillmore. There aren't that many left, but if I actually get back into regular history posts, I may move on to vice-presidents. Maybe! No promises because of me being lazy. Ahem. Anyway:

I would wear this shirt so hard.

Jimmy Carter was born in 1924 in Georgia. He was the first president to be born in a hospital. Fancy! He was the first of four children. His dad was a business owner, and his mom was a nurse. Jimmy Carter has deep American roots! He has ancestors that came to North America from England in, like, the 1600s and one of his great-grandfathers served in the Confederate Army. As a child, our friend Jimmy was a smarty-pants, always reading, being good at basketball, and participating in the FFA when the letters still stood for something. Jimmy went to a regional college for a few years, and eventually was accepted to the U.S. Naval Academy in 1943. He served on ships and submarines in the Atlantic and the Pacific in WWII, originally planning a naval career. In 1946, he married Rosalynn Smith, and they ultimately had four wholesome children. After his father's death in 1953, though, Jimmy resigned from the Navy and went back to Plains, GA to help run the family business. Sounds like somebody wasn't so committed to the navalling business after all.

The family business was PEANUT FARMING. For serious. Somehow Carter messed up one of his fingers in an "agricultural accident." I think we should spread rumors that he fucked it up while doing something far more sordid (dog-fighting? illegal wrestling? lusting in his heart?). Anyway, Jimmy Carter also loved Jesus A LOT. During the '60s, he worked on a local political career, challenged fraud, and became a Georgia state senator for awhile, but failed to get the Democratic nomination for governor in 1966. But then in the 1970 gubernatorial campaign (GUBER like GOOBER like PEANUTS! I am so funny.) he was more successful. He called his primary competition "Cufflinks Carl" (this is clever!) and was elected even though he was not a segregationist (all though still kind of racist). He was a relatively progressive governor considering it was early '70s Georgia what with public desegregation, not hating ladies who get legal abortions, and making social justice-y and ethical-type programs a priority. He even eventually stopped loving the death penalty.

Anyway, he was a near miss for McGovern's VP in 1972, but got the presidential nomination in 1976. And he won! And my fellow Macalester alum Walter Mondale was his vice president.* Jimmy Carter is largely famous for reporting a UFO sighting** and saying uncomfortable, ungrandfatherly-seeming things to Playboy magazine. But whatever. He was the president during a terrible time. A terrible time for fashion, for politics, and for Jimmy Carter. He granted amnesty to Vietnam War draft dodgers, brokered the Camp David Accords, and suggested people use solar panels and wear more sweaters to save on energy costs (these all sound like good things to me).*** Also though, there was that unfortunate Love Canal incident, we had oil and energy crises, we were still all Cold Warrish and boycotted the 1980 Moscow Olympics because of that whole Afghanistan situation that we would totally end up taking over in like 20 years, also there was that thing called stagflation, which is a stupid way of saying that the economy was shit. Although shitty in a different way than it is shitty now.

Okay, so maybe he's not perfect, but still pretty awesome.

Because I am a liberal hippie communist, I tend to think that while it seems maybe Jimmy Carter was a little bit too nice to be president, he inherited some pretty nasty shit. I mean, the guy before him wasn't even elected. And I actually feel bad that the Iran hostage crisis became all about fucking over Jimmy Carter and then that cowboy movie star guy totally rewarded them with secret weapons that he totally "didn't know anything about" after defeating Jimmy in the 1980 election. Not that I'm bitter on Jimmy Carter's behalf. But Jimmy Carter would never be bitter because Jesus and peanuts keep him on the straight and narrow.

Like Taft, Carter's greatest achievements came post-presidency. Jimmy and Rosalynn started the Carter Center, which helps people and works on eradicating illnesses that sound really gross like Guinea worm disease. Carter also won the 2002 Nobel Peace Prize for being awesome. He is frequently called upon to serve diplomatic missions around the world because people outside of America don't hate him too much. He also likes building houses for poor people, occasionally publicly criticizing U.S. foreign policy, hanging out with the first (and slightly less douchey) George Bush, teaching Baptist Sunday school, solving problems in Palestine, riding bikes, winning awards, speaking up for ladies in the church and generally beating everybody at getting to heaven. So maybe the late '70s were a disaster for America, but I refuse to (completely) blame Jimmy Carter. I think if we were all a little bit more like Jimmy Carter, the world would be a better place. AND I NEVER SAY SHIT LIKE THAT SO TAKE MY SINCERITY VERY SERIOUSLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'LL HAPPEN AGAIN.


*We can't all be Kofi Annan or Peter Berg, but VP is still a pretty sweet achievement for a fellow Scot! Can you tell my reunion is coming up? Five years, bitchez! I think I'm finally accepting that I am this old.
**I don't know why this is a big deal. UFO literally means an unidentified object in the sky. Surely we have all seen these and not necessarily been convinced they are alien spacecrafts, no matter what the quacks on Ancient Aliens try to tell you.
***"I mean, Jimmy Carter would have an electric car by now." -Tommy Corn, I Heart Huckabees. LOVE!

I arrive home from class to start live-blogging the SOTU 20 minutes late

Obama's talking about steel mills. Take a drink!

Does anybody else think Boehner looks like Biden's tan evil twin? Isaac thinks they look like good and bad angels on Obama's shoulder.

China is beating us, take a drink.

Boehner is kind of blending into that chair.

Somebody tried to start a Facebook applause. Nice try, John McCain, we all know you and the internet aren't friends.

Obama loves science! Boehner, not so much.

"We're not just handing out money, we're issuing a challenge." I will accept that challenge, as long as you hand me some money.

I'm trying to figure out how much Boehner tans. He's not as tan as the lady on My Strange Addiction who tans three times a day, so I'm guessing 1-2 times daily.

Why does Obama hate our poor oil companies so much? Siding with the terrrists. The Energy Secretary refuses to look up, Isaac thinks he's on his phone.

Boehner looks like somebody forced him to go to his little sister's band concert.

Obama just insulted football in favor of science nerds! So unAmerican. Isaac's calling this a plan for "Nerd Nation." I support this.

Schools, education, blahblahblah.

God, there are so many white dudes in suits here.

South Koreans respect their teachers. What's that about? My students have not gotten that memo.

Fucking Baby Boomers ruining America with their aging and retirement.

Isaac: "Lots of humanities funding on the way." SRSLY. What is this science and math nonsense?

He's talking about illegals in our schools! Get 'em out! John McCain looks SO skeptical about addressing illegal immigration

Isaac claims that Boehner and McCain are going to have a "grimace-off."

China's beating us at TRAINS. The Chinese built our railroads a long time ago, how are they winning now?!

Harry Reid supports infrastructure. I'm not going to lie, I like the sound of this high-speed rail shit.

I love Nancy Pelosi's response to Obama's airplane "pat-down" joke.

I think Obama wants farmers to sell crates of beets on ebay.

Lobbyists have rigged the tax system? I find this hard to believe.

I find myself agreeing with Orrin Hatch's perplexed look at this "lowering corporate taxes" bullshit.

Is that black guy doing homework? Isaac thinks it's a crossword puzzle. I'm mostly just surprised to see a black guy in the chambers of Congress.

Henry Waxman still looks like Professor Flitwick/Willow.

People are concerned about healthcare?

Obama wants to freeze domestic spending. Michele Bachmann is wearing a lot of eyeliner. "Painful cuts" are ahead! Boehner, not happy about those military cuts. I wonder if his eye-rub just now, was a signal to one of his Republican bros.

Faint praise for the bipartisan deficit commission.

Kathleen Sebelius is looking badass, as per usual.

I love how Biden always looks like he's about to cry. He's not clapping for much. Though he does have the gavel, that should cheer him up.

The stock market IS whimsical. Also, I take a drink for eliminating tax cuts for richie riches.

Obama is going to single-handedly reform the individual tax code.

Man, we are going to "win the future" so hard.

Salmon joke! Even Boehner can't fight the smile.

What?! We're going to find out information on the internet? About government spending? That's crazy! Obama hates earmarks. McCain LOVES this veto promise. Who did Biden just give a thumbs up? I must know!

Does anybody else miss the days when all the president talked about was terrorism while stumbling over big words? I get way drunker while watching those speeches, but mostly just to keep from crying.

The brave men and women who left the theaters of war with their "heads held high" are the ones who still have heads. And they might be full of PTSD!

Don't end the Iraq War, Obama, it's my favorite! Oh hey, remember Al Qaeda?

I don't want no American Muslims in my American family! Al Franken does, though.

The Taliban apparently uses strangling as its main MO. Afghanistan needs to shape up. The Joint Chiefs are looking pretty skeptical.

You need to get it together, too, Pakistan.

Oh, we're awesome for reducing nuclear proliferation. HRod Clinton nods authoritatively. I have a crush on her, have I mentioned that?

John Kerry doesn't look pleased to be sitting next to McCain. Is that the special "failed presidential candidates" area? I hope it's roped off and named in honor of Adlai E. Stevenson. Right?

Long standing ovation for soldiers! Go Americahhh! Some of our soldiers are gay? Since when! Those military dudes are NOT clapping or responding to this. I'm not going to lie, I almost get a little bit verklempt about the repeal of DADT. If A&E were producing this program, I totally would cry.

Biden knows ALL ABOUT arguments. Democracy IS messy. More cheers for America, despite this, apparently. That's what undocumented workers are for; cleaning up after democracy.

This IS a country where anything is possible. Have you seen Lady Gaga's outfits? Also, Biden is from Scranton! Boehner gives him an awkward handshake. Boehner's dad owned a bar! Also, he got choked up about it, which makes me not hate him as much just for a minute.

Some guy named Brandon saved those Chilean miners. I dislike his facial hair, but good for that guy's small business. Isaac's heart was warmed. GAY. (Feelings are gay, obvs.)

I do like the IDEA of America. Obombs just gave a pretty buddy-buddy handshake to Biden.

Brian Williams is talking about the commingling of the parties in the audience. Nobody yelled at the president from the audience this year, sadly.

The internet is creepy sometimes

You guys, I'm spending this Never Forget Day never forgetting in sweats on my couch, experiencing the last throes of some sort of sudden and unfortunate stomach bug that befell me in the middle of social activities last evening. But anyway, so I was looking at the weather forecast, like you do, and saw this creepy ad (see crudely circled area):

Sure, we'd all like to look "hot" naked, but I don't think that involves being flayed first. Gross.

Millard Fillmore: Lucky(?) President Number 13

 Majestic statue of Fillmore in Buffalo, NY. Does it look like he's "presenting" to anyone else?

You guuuyys, it's time to write about Millard Fillmore. Because I haven't yet. And also because Matty voted for him way back when I polled you guys. The only presidents left after this one are the dudes nobody wanted me to write about. This whole thing should be fun AND educational! Anyway, let's hop to it:

Millard Fucking* Fillmore was born in 1800 in a LOG CABIN in the Finger Lakes region of New York state, the second of nine children. I found out no information about his childhood, but apparently formal education was hard to come by out in the frontier in those days, since it was illegal for any building made of rough-hewn logs to contain more than three books--one of which had to be the Bible, another some sort of Indian captivity narrative, and a third one probably meant you were a little bit queer. But I digress: at fourteen, the Fillmores tired of having to feed their eldest son and farmed him out to a cloth maker as an apprentice. Millard was not so excited about this apparently, moved around apprenticing a bit, tried to get some education, and ended up clerking for a judge by his late teens who helped him begin his STUDY OF LAW. He passed the bar in 1823 and built a home in East Aurora, NY (scroll that shit down for random Fillmore/Fisher-Price connection). In 1826, Millard "Floppy Hair" Fillmore married his longtime love Abigail Powers, with whom he had two children, Millard Powers and Mary Abigail (SRSLY--could they have gotten any less creative with the names?). But whatever, nobody asks me before they do this shit.

SRSLY though: does he or does he not look like the Jim Halpert of 1820s rural New York law practice in that pic?

In 1828, the Fillmeister was elected to the New York State Assembly on an Anti-Masonic ticket. Fucking Masons. By 1832, he had moved up to the United States Congress, serving as a Whig in the House. During a break between terms in Congress, Fillmore and his friend Nathan Hall started up a successful law firm in Aurora. Fillmore went back to Congress in 1837 and served until 1843. As a Congressman, he opposed the admittance of Texas as a slave state, chaired the powerful Ways and Means Committee, and was nearly elected Speaker of the House. Fucking degenerate "Whig" John Tyler kept vetoing the bills he wrote, though. So Fillard Millmore decided to run for governor of New York state next. He lost. But then he totally got appointed as the state's comptroller and did some boring banking reform shit for awhile. During the Mexican War, he pulled a George W. Bush and joined the New York militia and never really had to do anything. Also, he started the University of Buffalo, which eventually become a SUNY school and is, like, really big or something.

But on to the thrilling political maneuverings of the 1848 Whig National Convention! Haha, just kidding. Weak-stomached war hero Zachary Taylor got the nomination, but the supporters of his rival Henry Clay managed to get Fillmore on the ticket as VP because he was from a populous AND non-slave-holding state. (Gotta balance that shit out.) Though supposedly the Fillbot was opposed personally to slavery, he thought it best to allow the new territories seized from Mexico to be open to slavery (he called it an "existing evil") so the South would be APPEASED.** Oh, and they won the election. Millman presided over the Senate as VP during those crazy days of debating the Compromise of 1850. So much wacky shit went down on the floor of the Senate in those days, like this guy pulling guns on people and whatnot. Anyway, as we know, President Taylor died suddenly in July of 1850 and after his ascendancy to the top office, Fillmore declared his support for the latest version of the Compromise, allowing it to pass with the infamous Fugitive Slave Act.***

I'm not suggesting we bring back slavery for more Senate-floor excitement, but they still know how to do it in Ukraine and South Korea. Aren't you glad we saved them from Communism?

But so blah blah blah, Fillmore pissed off the Whigs by bringing in his own cabinet instead of retaining that of his deceased predecessor and by compromising left and right with Democrats and Southerners and Mexicans and whatnot. He tried to hold his party and the country together over the slavery shit, and it kind of seemed like it was working for awhile right after he signed the Compromise bills into law. In the meantime, Millard Fillingstation played the careful diplomat when it came to relations with Mexico in the post-war era and with Cuba and the various European powers vying for its control (also, the South wanted it for slavery, but the U.S. wouldn't conquer that shit for another forty-five years or so). He did some other stuff that's not really that interesting while in office. Oh, but apparently when Fillmore moved into the White House, there were like no books there (I told you Taylor couldn't read!), so the Millman took it upon himself to start the White House Library, which as we now know, is full of socialist propaganda.****

Annnyway, the Whigs probs could've taken back the White House if Filliment and his popular Secretary of State Daniel Webster had teamed up, but they wouldn't do it. So Millard was denied the nomination in 1852. Instead, we ended up with this winner in the White House. So Fillmy went back to New York, focusing on his position as chancellor of the University of Buffalo, and at some point declined an honorary doctorate from Oxford because he couldn't read it. (That's actually the real reason, though it was in Latin.) As the 1850s wore on, the Know-Nothings AKA the Tea Party/KKK of those days, formed the "American" Party for the 1856 presidential election. Fillmore took up their anti-Catholic/anti-immigrant/anti-your face mantle and ran for a second term. Though he pulled in an impressive 21.6% of the popular vote, the third-partier ultimately lost to the Doughface. So Millardpants stayed in New York, founding and presiding over the Buffalo Historical Society, opposing Lincoln like only an asshole would, pretending to do stuff in the militia but only in New York during the Civil War, and eventually dying of complications from a stroke in 1874, having watched the Civil War come and go. Apparently Millard, Jr.'s will stipulated that most of his father's papers and correspondence be destroyed upon his death, so we don't really have much that he wrote. I doubt there was really anything interesting in there, anyway.***** But so the best parts of Fillmore's legacy are undoubtedly the H.L. Mencken bathtub hoax, the ensuing annual bathtub races as part of Moravia, NY's "Fillmore Days," (sadly not featured on their rudimentary website) and this "comic" atrocity.

*Wikipedia lists no middle name, so I'll just make some up. As usual.


**Millard Fillmore now = Hitler. Or France. Whatever.


***The Compromise was actually a series of five separate but related bills meant to appease the North and the South and slavery's advocates and its opponents. But whatever, law-making is boring--besides the pistol-drawing parts.


****Now Millard Fillmore = Karl Marx. Or at least Trotsky.


*****BTWs, still eagerly awaiting the release of these papers.