Today's most important stories

Elizabeth Warren (maybe possibly an Indian so let's be racist about it but also accuse her of lying about it) is so fucking adorable. In addition to be being smart and awesome and badass, obvs. (Wonkette)

Isaac and I recently watched a show about the dude who stole Einstein's brain and kept it in a jar in his house (or car) for decades. But did you know that the alleged penis of Napoleon Bonaparte has most recently been stored in a suitcase under a bed in New Jersey? Shenanigans! (Wonders & Marvels, where I plan to spend much time reading this afternoon)

In a very important report, Pixie analyzes the fashion of ladies in board games. WTF was with there only being, like, four ladies in all of Guess Who? (Rookie)

In other news, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown after work yesterday, but cuddle therapy and some of my new favorite cartoon, Adventure Time helped me bounce back some. My crushing anxiety about my doctoral comprehensive/preliminary exams which start tomorrow left me with only 2-3 hours of sleep, so I'm doing awesome is what I am saying. HAHAHAHA not really, but I'm glad I brought back-up caffeine today. Also terrible: navigating this country's private health care industry. But the epic tale of the Grand Health Insurance Fiasco of 2012 is for another day, my friends. Hopefully once I am sure I actually have coverage and don't have to explain to the lady at the Walgreen's that yes, I understand my Prozac is expensive without insurance and yes, I am trying to get some. It was only, like more than half of a week's paycheck for a 90-day supply. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus for generics.

Energy Drink Review: Übermonster Energy Brew

It is just this ridiculous.

I'm having roughly 12 internal nervous breakdowns, you guys.We're moving to Minnesota in a matter of days, and we are so unemployed. The lead I had on a job is a bit useless at the moment since the hiring timeline keeps lengthening. And packing is stupid. And I have to apply for more shit. And it's too hot outside to do ANYTHING so I have to stay inside the beautiful, beautiful central air conditioning of our house that I will miss a lot when we move and worry about how we will afford the cable we won't be able to live without in Minnesota and feel like I should go through some piles of crap and also right now I'm on my old desktop and I need to put all my personal files on my external hard drive because I am NOT moving this beast again and it is going to the Goodwill along with 0219837 other pounds of crap we don't want anymore. But so I think my simmering inner panic is not nearly piquant enough, so I have decided to fill myself with massive amounts of caffeine in the hopes that I can incite a real panic attack or at least have the energy to ruthlessly clean out old files of undergrad papers or something.

So anyway, it has come to this. Weeks ago I bought the convenience store abomination known as the Übermonster. I hadn't tried this one, so of course I had to buy it. At 16.9 ounces, it's not much bigger than your average energy drink (16 oz.), but it is in a ridiculous glass bottle, so it looks kind of extra gigantic.

Problem one: impossible to open. The third tool we tried opened it. The lid is too giant for a standard opener. BE ADVISED YOU NEED SPECIAL TOOLS. Or just, like a giant knife or something I guess. Also, the bottle itself tells me, "The big ass cap is a little hard to pry off, but it's sort like, if you can't open it you shouldn't be able to drink it!" Monster Energy Company: still masculinist assholes. Yes, I just linked to my master's thesis online. Get over it. Or just read it, it's only like, 95 pages or something.

Flavor: Okay good, it tastes like an energy drink, not beer as I had feared. It kind of tastes like the Monster Absolutely Zero, actually, which is a standby of mine these days and quite tasty. Definitely smoother than a regular Monster or your average energy drink, I'd say. Requirement: you must pronounce it with a cartoonish German accent at all times, though. Much like how I always say Wolf Blitzer's name: Vulf BLITZah! OobuhMAHNshtah!

Effectiveness: Very. The bottle tells me some nonsense about it being made through some German brewing process that is "bio-activated" and blahblahblah don't care it's filled with caffeine and taurine and shit and also milk (part of the malt base, apparently). I've just decide Isaac and I should forget being productive here for a bit (not that I've actually done anything besides write this post) and go bowling this afternoon. I think this is a fine idea. The Übermonster's brew probably has something to do with this (slightly) wild hair. I don't usually want to leave the house.

Overall, the whole glass-bottle, difficult-to-open lid thing is a bit unwieldy, but it's just as tasty or effective as any other Monster, so worth checking out if you want to pretend to drink something that looks like beer but basically tastes nothing like it (thank god) and has all the opposite effects. Except for peeing. It will make you need to pee. RECOMMENDED WITH STIPULATIONS REGARDING CONVENIENCE OF PACKAGING (it was also, like $5, so not an everyday kind of thing).

Give the gift of not re-traumatizing victims of assault this Christmas

There is a very small, obscure controversy going on the world today. It involves a website that releases secret government documents blahblahblah. I do not care about this. Clearly this is the next step of the internet, and it will keep happening. I'm kind of okay with more transparency/knowing what diplomats really think. But whatever, the real problem  I'm having is that some douchebag who runs this website probably assaulted some ladies in Sweden. You can read about the allegations here (though the bottom of the article starts to get kind of icky). Because Sr. Douchebag Assange is not accused of jumping out of the bushes to rape strangers, and actually "just" refused to wear condoms and was sleazy and coercive, etc. means that this is all a conspiracy. This is totally just a political "honeytrap" meant to discredit WikiLeaks BLAHBLAHBLAH fucking bitches always making up rapes for the CIA.

Okay, so noted loudmouth with largely good intentions Michael Moore thinks it's totally a coordinated attack and bailed Douchessange out of jail. Also, he and other noted talker with mostly good intentions Keith Olbermann are totes convinced that these rape charges are trumped-up and politically motivated and let's just give out the accusers' personal information so that they can get harassed into shutting up. Because this guy is an awesome football player my favorite musician a political hero, he can't possibly have been in the wrong ever. Besides, those ladies wanted to fuck him, what were they doing going making demands about what that should entail or that they should take safety measures or whatever, whiny bitches. Anyway, the whole situation is toxic and terrible. Some supposedly progressive dudes can't seem to understand that even if the pursuit of these charges has been nudged along by Assange's political enemies, that doesn't mean he didn't rape anybody.

Awesome hilarious blogger and all-around badass Sady Dole has been monitoring this situation assiduously. She has started a Twitter trend to confront Moore about his rape apologism (#MooreandMe), following his example as a supposed voice for the oppressed. As she explains:

Hashtag, #MooreandMe. User, @MMFlint. As long as it takes, until we get an explanation, an apology, and preferably $20,000 for a rape crisis or anti-sexual assault organization of his choice. We still believe in standing up, even if the man whose stand we believed in was just a character in a movie. Was never real at all.

In a non-shocking turn of event, rape apologists, misogynist trolls, and famous white defenders have been attacking Sady, understandably wearing her down. Even Keith Olbermann has shut down his Twitter because anti-rape activists are making him feel kind of bad for being a rape apologist or something. But whatever, this is not meant to be a comprehensive account of the situation. Mainly this is a post in solidarity with Sady. Because whatever the political situation, it is never acceptable to smear survivors of assault. Because guess what, even if you suspect for whatever reason that someone is making a fake accusation (which happens so rarely, it's not even worth mentioning--it's just an excuse busted out every time somebody's role model turns out to maybe not be so nice to women), that's the police's job. And there are LOTS of problems with our legal system (not sure about Sweden, but it sounds like they take sexual assault more seriously than Americans do), but that doesn't mean that there are not victimized women. Efforts to discredit and silence victims is exactly why so many instances of assault go unreported, it's actually more traumatizing to seek legal justice than it is to live with a rapist going unpunished.

So this is all to say, go Sady! Buck up! And I am following her lead and donating to an organization that helps assault survivors. As she pointed out, RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) donations will be matched up until December 31. So I'm giving $50, which will result in a $100 donation to resources for survivors. I will also use my largely neglected Twitter feed to encourage Michael Moore to face up to his role in perpetuating a rape culture. I encourage you all to do the same! Or similarly!

Today's links brought to you by a glowing sense of vindication

Sorry to gloat without explanation, friends, but this one's not for the internet. Yet. Just sayin' that I am in a great mood, and only just now opened an energy drink. So happy hump day! Wipe those Cheeto crumbs off your fingers, change into a fresh pair of pajamas, and open up the blinds on that basement window, blog readers!* I gots some linkies.

-First comes from the Boozehound Cinephile (I bow down to the more experienced drunk). The bloggers over at Pajiba have been writing about good TV shows or something, blah blah blah--he talks about screwdrivers. In the involved and analytical sort of way only a true conoisseur can appreciate. Apparently the screwdriver is a telltale "alcoholic's drink." Just because we've kept massive amounts of frozen orange juice concentrate on hand for the past four years and it is a VERY rare a occasion that we have even less than two different bottles of vodka, doesn't make me an alcoholic! Seriously, people. Although I did like Ted's theory that drunks like screwdrivers because they can just pretend that they're drinking juice. I mean, not that I would have ever done that in the presence of some nice Mormons who came to visit me shortly after I left the church and was still letting them come over, pretty much only because I knew them personally and felt like I should let them fulfill their home and visiting teaching callings. That would have been really tacky. For the record: I do order screwdrivers in bars sometimes because I want something simple and not carbonated, but I only consider it a true "cocktail" if we're using vodka at least one step above Smirnoff and orange juice that tastes something like actual oranges and none of that sickly sweet Sunny D shit. The Dirty Dozen. (Ted Boynton, Pajiba)

Mulder likes screwdrivers, take a drink.

-I know I've got her over on my short blogroll and she doesn't update a lot, but seriously, you HAVE to go read Terrible Mother. She is seriously one of the best writers on all of the internet. She will break your heart and patch it up with her poignant, funny, and engaging accounts of an everyday but amazingly beautiful life lived. Yes, I'm being sincere for once. Please don't walk away! She uses sarcasm too! Go check out her latest post (as well as the archives), written on location at her dying grandmother's house in California. She talks about family, love, and relationships with an honesty and an accuracy (if that makes sense) that I've rarely seen in writing. In California, I Dream of Snow. (Terrible Mother)

-So recently GWB was like, "Hey, thinking about maybe possibly looking at the 'family planning' section of Walgreen's** is totally an abortion and we're not going to fund that shit," and HRC and (one of my home state's two awesome lady Senators) Patty Murray were like, "Nice try, assholes." A lot of people are talking about it, but I'll link to Amanda's post because, you know, I like doing that. Everything's abortion. (Amanda Marcotte, Pandagon)

-Speaking of women and choices (esp. vis a vis reproduction), Lisa Kansas spells out clearly how people would just prefer that we not have any, because any choice we do make is WRONG. "'Men' and 'mankind' apparently not being defined to include 'ambulatory wombs.'" (Lisa Kansas, PunkAssBlog)


All right, we'll call this good for now and save a couple links for later. Or tomorrow. Whatever.


*If you do not read enough blogs to realize that these are all stereotypes about bloggers, well then... I just felt really super-nerdy all of a sudden. Goddamn the webernets are an insulated place sometimes.

**So I totally bought (non-fruity) condoms at Walgreen's yesterday, and I swear the older guy (like, in his sixties "older") who works there a lot and always seems kind of patronizing was acting especially jackassy to me. He gave me shit about unloading my own basket (it had other things in it besides condoms, people) because "no one ever knows what to do with them afterwards" and seemed annoyed that I tried to use the pen pointer thing on the credit card screen. I was TRYING to be helpful, asshole. But apparently I shouldn't help you avoid repetitive stress injuries or preserve the integrity of the touch screen. I can't say for sure that he was judging me for being a whore, he does have a shitty job, but I can't say for sure that he WASN'T.

WIG (Were I Gay)* of the Day: Rachel Maddow

Oh, Rachel Maddow. Slapping down some conservative douchebag's talking points on the teevee again. I have long been a fan. I'll admit I don't listen to her radio show because Air America requires a subscription ($$, people), and I am a cheap bastard who wouldn't listen enough to make it worth it. But I've seen clips on the internets (many hat tips to Crooks & Liars for the pleasure), and am excited by her rising profile on MSNBC. God she is hot and totally awesome. I was pumped to see the NYT's recent profile, though you should check out Melissa at Shakesville for some solid criticism of the accompanying photo spread.

So smart, so funny, so well-spoken. Rachel Maddow, will you be my WIG?


*Props to Emily and Ka$h, who originated the term WIG to describe someone you would totally get with if you were gay. Rachel Maddow actually is gay, so that would only require a conversion by one of us, but of course she's already taken. And I think my (for better or for worse) love for penises has been well-established.

Never talk to me during "The Jackal"!

I have gotten a Certain Someone Who Has Requested to Never Be Mentioned on This Blog (CSWHRNBMTB or "Certain Someone," for short) hooked on season one of The West Wing AKA reason #1b that I give a shit about politics.* This Certain Someone seemed bewildered by the following clip: Explanation: No explanation necessary. CJ is a fucking badass. OH MY GOD WHY DO I NOT HAVE A WEST WING DRINKING GAME?!! Oh, probably because I usually watch it alone. Well, as soon as I have a geographically present WW pal, a game that may come close to rivaling the demanding rules of The X-Files Drinking Game shall be invented. There will definitely be a one-to-one match-up on the "Scully is a badass, take a drink" with a "CJ is a badass" rule. I love sexy, awesome TV ladies who kick the patriarchy's ass. Anyway, no worries, anonymous friend: Season two will shortly be on its way! Also, Sam's dance moves at the end of the clip there look awfully familiar... P.S. I love Toby. Smoke rings! *Reason #1a being that I dated The Pretentious Ex-Boyfriend who was obsessed with politics, so were all his friends, and he introduced me to the magic of the Aaron Sorkin Political Fantasyland.

More posty post

Still living the ROCKSTAR® lifestyle here, and not much work to do (avoiding a tedious project with no real deadline that I was only given because I ran out of other stuff to work on), so I'm a-gonna link link link to some good stuff on the Toobz. I'm just going to clear out my list before the weekend, so hold on to your hat! -Remember a while back when I was complaining about how HuffPo condemned their "Living" page to the Pink Ghetto? Well, apparently they took its former green color and made a "Green" page. Okay, fine. But you still didn't have to make all the articles about feelings pink. The Sexy Gay Jesus thinks it is in poor taste, too. And you should always trust The Sexy Gay Jesus on these issues.* But ANYWAY, through the new green Green page, I saw an article about one of my favorite afterschool television heroes, Bill Nye! He and Ed Begley, Jr., another ridiculous person, are neighbors and are trying to see who can be more environmentally friendly. Nerdy competitions that are good for the earth? 100 points awarded to each. Hey, remember when Bill Nye made that grass car? (Featured very briefly in video.) Glad to hear the Billster's still around, up to science-y shenanigans. Bill Nye, Ed Begley Compete to See Who's Greener. (Noaki Schwartz, Huffington Post) -Okay, so crazy, crazy Jesse Ventura has been talking about jumping into a Senate race close to my heart: AKA Al "Awesome Glasses" Franken v. Norm "How Do You People Not See What a Huge Douchebag He Is?!" Coleman. Colleen Werthmann has made some helpful (and awesome) diagrams to help you figure out who you should vote for in what is soon to be known as the 2008 Senatorial Clusterfuck. Minnesota's U.S. Senate race is crazying up nicely. (HuffPo's 23/6) -Apropos of the fact that I am (still) reading Naomi Klein's awesome, awesome book and learning about how Milton Friedman was an evil genius, I appreciated William K. Wolfrum's take on McCain's "economic plan." Prepared to run Milton Friedman's sixth term: John McCain lays out plans to 'starve the beast'. (William K. Wolfrum/Shakesville) -From a while back, The Apostate talks about turning into a bitch. And how it's awesome. I totally agree. Being a nice girl never got me shit, it just got me shit on. Learning to be assertive (still working on it) is a skill too many women never achieve. Don't put up with bullshit, people. You're a person.** I don't care if I come off as bitchy just because I stand up for myself. I'd rather be a bitch than a pushover. Any day. Learning to be a bitch. (The Apostate) -Our dear Hugo wrote a while back about boys and education. The Kathleen Parkers of the world like to claim that education is a zero-sum game: if girls do better, boys must do worse. This is, obviously, bullshit. There's not a finite amount of literacy in this world, people. Anyway, Hugo always comes at things in a really interesting way, and here he tackles some issues that have bothered me for a while about the whole gender/education/achievement mess. Poor white boys: school leaving, male under-performance, and the disaster of masculine anti-intellectualism. (Hugo Schwyzer) -And one more: My sister is the biggest badass at BYU. Pretty much. Goal: Become a legit Led Zeppelin fan: Led Zeppelin I (Cheerful Cynicism) *NOTE: I definitely get a good number of hits from people searching "sexy gay." These people must be severely disappointed that I am just talking about my imaginary gay best friend/deity of choice and do not actually feature porn. Sorry, gay Googlers! I hope you like nerdy U.S. history posting! Hey, Ulysses S. Grant was pretty hot. That's the best I can do. **"I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there's a person. And each person deserves to be treated... like a person."

Energy Drink Review #9187948365: Big RedJak Premium

These guys are so hardcore, they get "Jak'd up" in combination with Miller Light!!

The makers of Big RedJak poured over 70 years of experience into the sleek can you are now holding.

Apparently you can boil down experience (the experience of making a soda only people from the South have heard of) and inject it into a can in the form of Red #40. Also, this can is not particularly sleek.

Contained within these aluminum walls is a niacin core that results in a purer, more explosive power source, without the high fructose corn syrup which actually drains your body of energy.

Yeah, no icky "high fructose corn syrup" like in those OTHER drinks, like Big Red soda. Which apparently kinda tastes like bubble gum. I'd just like to point out that walls shouldn't be made of aluminum. Ideally. Unless you live in, like, a shed. Also, niacin was originally derived from nicotine, and potheads seem to think that loading up on it will fool drug testers. A better strategy is to lay off the pipe for a couple of weeks and just binge drink instead. Works like a charm. Not that I would know anything about that kind of thing. Anyway....


BIG REDJAK PREMIUM ENERGY DRINK*

TASTE: ****/5 I don't know if this is what regular Big Red tastes like, but it's pretty good. Fruity, kind of creamy, but with that synthetic edge that reminds you of all the chemicals contained within. Not as gross/good as Sparks or anything, but not bad.

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING: *** This is supposed to make me be able to "go the distance." If by "distance" they mean "stop falling asleep in my cube," then sure. It's doing it. We'll see how well it holds up for another hour until I get home from work and the notorious "Should I take a nap or go for a run?" battle plays out. Right now I feel like nap is going to win, which is why it only gets three asterisks.

IS IT LIKE CRACK?: ** Meh. It definitely gave me a decent boost, but no crazy euphoric side effects. Not qualified as a gateway drug.

OVERALL: 3/5 asterisks

Recommended for general consumption. Nothing super-special, but I'd get it again. Oh, and don't worry, there's a "low carb" version too.



*Seriously, the "big" is TINY on the can. It's like a secret message.

X-Files Drinking Game: Favorite Rules

Hey kids,

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned our X-Files Drinking Game before. It has, like, 101 rules. That are written down. There are random things we drink for that weren't really worth making into rules, or came to us after the 100 mark, but there's a lot of awesome things to drink to, is what I'm saying. BTVFF (Best TV Friend Forever) Ka$h and I are on our second journey through the complete series, currently stalled mid-season 2 while she road-trips. However, in the meantime, I copied the idea of a friend of mine, and used my economic arousal stimulus check just the way GWB wanted me to and ordered the Complete Collector's Edition off of Amazon (all nine seasons + first movie). The box comes with a drawer! With pamphlets! And a poster for the original movie! I'm totally hanging it above my bed so as to impress all the many men I bring there. By which I mean, no one will ever see this poster.

ANYWAY. I decided to pick out a few (ten, actually) favorite drinking game rules to commemorate the awesomeness that is the X-Files and especially its renewed cultural relevance due to the imminent release of a new movie.* And I just have to throw out there that I am so glad I have good X-Files fan friends now, because it was a bit odd being the only X-Files-loving, morbid, choir-singing, cynical, occasional cheerleading** Mormon girl I knew growing up. But so pull out a favorite episode, pour yourself a drink (you might want to have a back-up ready if you've got a full set of rules), and get ready for some classics.

TAKE A DRINK WHEN:
(These are not ranked, I just like making numbered lists.)

1. Krycek gets his ass kicked. This happens a lot. Sifting through all the Krycek/Mulder slash videos, this old VCR-ed promo gave the best quick synopsis of Krycek getting what he deserves:***

And I really have to say the Alex Krycek is not only a beautiful man (he goes from FBI Ken Doll --> badass pretty boy), but his character is one of the best demonstrations of the concept of "amorality" I have ever seen. Pure self-interest. Love. it.

2. Skinner's loyalty is questioned. You're not really sure whose side he's on until late in the game. But by then you totally want him to have your back. He consistently does a great job of playing the power game because can only help uncover the Truth (take a drink at its mention, BTW) if he can keep his job.

3. Ford Taurus. Starting in about season 2, this is the only rental car Mulder and Scully ever drive. (Also take a drink if Mulder is the default driver.)

4. Cancer Man lights up. The rule isn't just whenever he's smoking, because we're not promoting alcohol poisoning here, just drink when he's shown lighting a cigarette. God I love Cancer Man. And how he shot JFK.****

5. A giant '90s cell phone shows up. They are funny.

6. Scully is a badass. She's pretty much always a badass, but once in a while she'll kick somebody's ass or tell somebody off or perform some sort of feat of strength that deserves extra recognition. Do it with a drink.

7. Mulder is inappropriately snarky. Pretty much any time he is ever around any sort of authority figure.

8. "After all you've seen, after all we've been through, why can't you just believe?"

9. Mulder meets with X. Take a second drink if it goes down in a parking garage.

10. Scully is shown wearing huge shoulderpads/unfortunate frumpy early '90s clothes/has tragically bad hair.

Anyway, this is just the first installment in what is sure to be an exciting series for all of us as I spread the X-Files Drinking Game magic.

Love and vodka shots,

Lauren


*July 25th, bitchez! You know what my plans are. Also, IMDB just told me that Xzibit is in the movie. WTF? By which I mean, I can't wait.

**One season in eighth grade. But I like to bring it up because I can't believe I did that. Can you spell PUBLIC HUMILIATION? I can. That is why I stopped being a cheerleader.

***Sans the part in season 8 when Doggett starts punching him through the moving car window. The only thing more satisfying than that moment is when Skinner finally shoots Krycek in the head.

****I do not support the historical assassination of any U.S. Presidents, but I think it's awesome that his character is wrapped up in all the important events of the second half of the twentieth century. Like Forrest Gump, but way more evil.

Sparks: alcohol + caffeine = magic

This is an actual microscopic photo of what happens to Sparks molecules in your stomach. Doesn't it feel delicious?

I love Sparks. Get over it. I'm like a trashy alcoholic 12 year-old,* and I don't care. You may say, "Lauren, isn't it bad to mix uppers and downers?" And I would reply, "I don't know! Do I look like a drug fiend?" Then you might also say, "But Sparks is gross!" And I would say, "Yes, yes it is. So?" But let me tell you a little story about Sparks, okay? It goes like this: make it the first drink of the night. If you want to start drinking, but you're feeling a little tired, just have a Sparks! Seriously. And if that 6% isn't doin' it for you, just drink it down a bit and pour some vodka in.** You'll never taste it. You know why? Because Sparks tastes like the "citrus" flavor of vitamin C tablets. In liquid form. I know, right? Why would anyone drink it? Better question: why would anyone NOT drink it? It comes in a can that looks like a BATTERY! If that doesn't scream "carcinogens contained within," I don't know what does. But god knows getting cancer from alcohol is way cooler than getting it from my Nalgene bottle (unless my Nalgene is full of Sparks, in which case it's really a tossup). I should also mention that you do get used to the taste after the first couple sips, and it's sure as hell a lot more badass than Boone's Farm, okay?

Sparks is also good for:

1- Drinking in front of oblivious parents/children/people who are less trashy than you who just think you're having an energy drink.

2- Low alcohol content + 16 whole oz. = perfect for drinking games for non-beer drinkers.

3- Bringing in a water bottle to a play/movie/wedding/whatever. If you spill, it just looks like orange soda or gatorade. But it's BOOZE.

4. Buying a drink on the go (AKA gas stations and grocery stores where the liquor laws are more liberal than Minnesota's).

Do not attempt:

1- To drink more than one or two Sparks in a sitting. Gross.

2- Any of the drink recipes listed at the Sparks website (linked above) that suggest mixing it with Mickey's, High Life, and other things that are shitty beer; which are EXACTLY what I'm avoiding by drinking Sparks.

3- Sparks Light. Ew. That's like making diet brownies: why bother? Just become drunkorexic if you're really that worried about it.

4- To convince others that it tastes good. Empirically, this claim will never hold up. Sparks is gross. But I like it anyway. And so should you.


*Dear real-life 12 year-olds,

Please wait a few years to start killing all your brain cells. Now is the time to read a lot, build up your nerd cred, and get good grades so you can go to a fancy liberal arts college with other nerds who like to party and have brain cells to spare. And besides, most 12 year-old alcoholics are not nearly as cute as Drew Barrymore and are much, much sadder.

Sincerely,
Someone Who Never Drank Until She Was 21 Because She Was Mormon But Still Managed to Have Lots of Wholesome Fun in the Meantime

**There's also "Sparks Plus" that is 7%. Apparently this is due to the increased positive charge. Or something.

Junior High Crushes Revisited: John Stockton

Reminds me of how my favorite use for the internet in the late '90s was for finding pictures of my favorite hot guys and making collages of them on Print Shop Deluxe. I was really cool.

You may say, Lauren, John Stockton could not have possibly attended your junior high school. And I would say, you are correct. But it would be really lame to actually talk about the boys I liked that I went to school with. My only excuse would be "I was in junior high, OKAY?!" It's not like I ever dated any of them, and 79% of the boys who liked me before college turned out to be gay. Can I retroactively refer to myself as a fag hag? I still love you guys! Thanks for not actually going out with me and then coming out. No, besides Prince William, JS was my big celebrity obsession circa ages 13-14. Decidedly not gay. And decidedly AWESOME.

I thought of John Stockton today in honor of the fact that I am going to my first NBA game since said obsession, back when the Jazzy Jazz were good and my dad took my brother and me to see them play the Blazers circa 1997. I think I was the only Jazz fan there and they lost.* But I could see my Johnny S from way up high in the cheap seats at the Rose Garden, and he looked just as short in person as he did on TV. This of course, was a never-ending source of amusement to me, considering that in real life--AKA not standing next to other freakishly tall professional basketball players--he would be considered quite tall (6'1"). Perhaps this was the beginning of my long-standing obsession with men who I deem adorable by how "pocket-sized" they are.

Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to reminisce with myself and the intertubes about how awesome John Stockton was (all-time assists leader!) and what a shame it is that he never won a championship. God I hate the Bulls. It seems that in his retirement, he's moved back to his hometown of Spokane (ew), WA, where he lives with his 87618976 Catholic children. I imagine he continues to be adorable and badass.

*Note: the Jazz being from Utah and me being Mormon was purely incidental, and I resent it highly when anyone says otherwise.

Hillary Clinton Is a Badass

So I used to be an Edwards man,* but since that didn't work out, I had to choose a Plan B Candidate for the caucus a couple of weeks ago. I decided to join Team Obama since he is hot and pretty much everyone else I know is on the team and let's be honest, it wouldn't have mattered if I voted for anyone else since I live in Minnesota and the whole STATE is on Team Obama. And don't get me wrong, I like the guy. He's all Hope and Inspiration and Bringing People Together. But let me just say this: I don't want to be brought together with some people. Yes, that is right--I am an elitist and I hate the things that some people stand for. And they mostly hate me because of my reproductive organs. I have no problem with politics being divisive. That's what they're for. Our problem in the U.S. is our inane two-party system that makes a mockery of democracy and pretty much allows no one the opportunity to have their political positions represented accurately in government. And it's really too bad for people who are actually liberal (those who don't just say "Fuck it" and decide to not vote or go Green Party or something), to have to choose between Crazy McUnelectable Hobbit Kucinich who actually shares most of my views and Other More Moderate and Palatable Options. Which is my rant for why we should switch to a more parliamentary system. Ahem.

But so anyway, Barry Hussein what with his rhetoric and personality and key Kennedy endorsements, is certainly appealing, and I won't be complaining if he gets the nomination and I would love to see him kick Old Man Maverick's ass in the general election. THAT SAID: All of a sudden I am totally bummed that Hillary Clinton is no longer the front runner. I am inexplicably disappointed that she isn't winning all the primaries. Apparently I like her a lot more than I thought I did. Sure, she's hawkish and for some reason still married to a sleazebag (a competent and charismatic sleazebag, but a sleazebag nonetheless), she's "establishment" and over-handled, but there's a tenacity there that I really admire. I am disgusted by the constant outpouring of bald misogyny in the media (see Shakesville's ongoing coverage) that serves as "reporting" on the election. Por ejemplo: guess what, sometimes people cry. Sometimes they are women. The reaction to Clinton's "tears" in the media was ridiculous. That sort of thing doesn't win my "sympathy vote," but it will sure as hell win my motherfucking SOLIDARITY VOTE.

Perhaps because I am also a blonde female American, my ovaries and hers communicate in such a way that makes me want her to succeed. She puts up with a lot of bullshit, and I am proud to have her paving the way for other women in politics. Via Jeff Fecke (everyone's favorite feminist internet boyfriend), I took this Implicit Association Test in which I was TOTALLY crushing on Hills and Barry Hussein was almost as far down as McMaverick, who was not really that far above Huckabuck. So, what I'm saying is, this test proves that I hate men. No, what it proves is that my love for Hillary Clinton is growing and I am kind of embarrassed about liking her now that it's really too late for me to do anything about it. But you guys, SHE IS SUCH A BADASS. She has to be made of fucking reinforced concrete and steel to get up every morning and withstand massive amounts of hatred from all sides.** And she is so HOT. If I look like her at age sixty, um, I will be hot. And look like Hillary Clinton. But whatevs. (Don't pretend like the candidates' hotness isn't important to you, it's like my #2 factor.)

Also, she is solidly pro-choice and wants poor people to have health care and blah blah blah cogent arguments in favor of her candidacy. We're not really sure quite yet how this "nomination process" is going to shake down, but I for one will be not-so-secretly pleased if it turns out in Clinton's favor. Though the other guy's pretty good too. Okay, everybody wins!



*I am not, in fact, a man, I just like this phrase.
**Obviously, policy disagreements are legitimate attacks; gender- and blind Clinton-hatred-based ones are not.

Old MacDonald had a link farm

Because I am inexplicably mildly hungover and it's a half day for me anyway since we're driving to the Wisc later today, I'm kind of not really doing any work. So, links! -Though I feel for her less-crazy constituents, I never pass up a good Michele Bachmann story. Michele Bachmann Cowers Behind Robot Phalanx to Avoid Voters (Wonkette) -Dear Republicans in my home state of Washington: nobody likes a cheater. Stop suppressing votes for Stephen Colbert as VP! washington launders the vote (skippy the bush kangaroo) -COCKSUCKERS!! "...you're probably also oppressing yourself." Somewhat NSFW at times, but always safe for awesome insights on feminism, sex, or whatever Figleaf feels like writing about. Mostly all y'all should be reading him and this was a random new post that I enjoyed. Sucking the Agency out of Fellatio (Figleaf's Real Adult Sex) -"Get them to print you a t-shirt with 'fascist' on it."* Keith Olbermann is a badass, take a drink. Seriously, watch it: Countdown Special Comment on FISA: President Bush Is a Liar and a Fascist (Crooks & Liars) Well, I've got about 45 more minutes to kill. This Diet Coke I'm drinking to ward off my headache/sleepiness says "GIVE LIVE LOVE" on the can. Thanks, Coca-Cola Company. I think I will take that to heart and start using a cheesy soda slogan as my life philosophy. But soon I am off to northern Wisconsin for the weekend, dear reader(s), where the bars are plentiful and cheap, the locals are sketchy and quick to sexually harass you, and the most pressing activity on the agenda is deciding whether to lay on the couch longer or go get in the hot tub for awhile. Hooray, vacation! Hasta el martes. UPDATE: Had had HAD to link to this blog and this post because this shit will change your life (or at least make you remember your elementary school library with fondness): "I'm starting to think that Claudia was actually some sort of bizarre idiot savant who secretly constructed a time machine and spent a lot of time checking in on 2007/2008." I think she may be right, have you seen what these "hipsters" are wearing these days? Super Special #8: Baby-Sitters at Shadow Lake (What Claudia Wore) *Enjoying my blog, counter-terrorism eavesdroppers?