Energy Drink Review: Übermonster Energy Brew

It is just this ridiculous.

I'm having roughly 12 internal nervous breakdowns, you guys.We're moving to Minnesota in a matter of days, and we are so unemployed. The lead I had on a job is a bit useless at the moment since the hiring timeline keeps lengthening. And packing is stupid. And I have to apply for more shit. And it's too hot outside to do ANYTHING so I have to stay inside the beautiful, beautiful central air conditioning of our house that I will miss a lot when we move and worry about how we will afford the cable we won't be able to live without in Minnesota and feel like I should go through some piles of crap and also right now I'm on my old desktop and I need to put all my personal files on my external hard drive because I am NOT moving this beast again and it is going to the Goodwill along with 0219837 other pounds of crap we don't want anymore. But so I think my simmering inner panic is not nearly piquant enough, so I have decided to fill myself with massive amounts of caffeine in the hopes that I can incite a real panic attack or at least have the energy to ruthlessly clean out old files of undergrad papers or something.

So anyway, it has come to this. Weeks ago I bought the convenience store abomination known as the Übermonster. I hadn't tried this one, so of course I had to buy it. At 16.9 ounces, it's not much bigger than your average energy drink (16 oz.), but it is in a ridiculous glass bottle, so it looks kind of extra gigantic.

Problem one: impossible to open. The third tool we tried opened it. The lid is too giant for a standard opener. BE ADVISED YOU NEED SPECIAL TOOLS. Or just, like a giant knife or something I guess. Also, the bottle itself tells me, "The big ass cap is a little hard to pry off, but it's sort like, if you can't open it you shouldn't be able to drink it!" Monster Energy Company: still masculinist assholes. Yes, I just linked to my master's thesis online. Get over it. Or just read it, it's only like, 95 pages or something.

Flavor: Okay good, it tastes like an energy drink, not beer as I had feared. It kind of tastes like the Monster Absolutely Zero, actually, which is a standby of mine these days and quite tasty. Definitely smoother than a regular Monster or your average energy drink, I'd say. Requirement: you must pronounce it with a cartoonish German accent at all times, though. Much like how I always say Wolf Blitzer's name: Vulf BLITZah! OobuhMAHNshtah!

Effectiveness: Very. The bottle tells me some nonsense about it being made through some German brewing process that is "bio-activated" and blahblahblah don't care it's filled with caffeine and taurine and shit and also milk (part of the malt base, apparently). I've just decide Isaac and I should forget being productive here for a bit (not that I've actually done anything besides write this post) and go bowling this afternoon. I think this is a fine idea. The Übermonster's brew probably has something to do with this (slightly) wild hair. I don't usually want to leave the house.

Overall, the whole glass-bottle, difficult-to-open lid thing is a bit unwieldy, but it's just as tasty or effective as any other Monster, so worth checking out if you want to pretend to drink something that looks like beer but basically tastes nothing like it (thank god) and has all the opposite effects. Except for peeing. It will make you need to pee. RECOMMENDED WITH STIPULATIONS REGARDING CONVENIENCE OF PACKAGING (it was also, like $5, so not an everyday kind of thing).