Not a lot of outfits I saw on TV struck me as particularly hideous this week, probably due to a higher number of films viewed and a lower number of reality television programs consumed. However, I did see a few "Oh my god you knew you were going on TV and you wore that on purpose anyway?" outfits:
Exhibit A:
Watching an episode of Hoarders from early season two on DVD, I spotted THIS:
This woman is not a hoarder*--she is a but a relative of a hoarder, and therefore should know better than to appear in public/on national television in something as unfortunate as this turtleneck/blouse combination. Not only are turtlenecks generally icky, but this one is BROWN. But the most offensive element of this ensemble (tragically, this is all we get to see of it, but I suspect she is wearing some sort of LEGGINGS!) is the top layer. I am pretty much opposed to animal prints in all situations, but this is a particularly egregious example. It looks like a leopard print that has been "toned down" to a less garish color palette than the animal itself, but is now even uglier! The print itself is messy, and the color scheme is definitely what my mother would call "poopy." You may not be as crazy as your hoarding cousin, Leopard Lady, but you did wear this on a national television show. This does not bode well for your state of mind.
More bitchy fashion observations from things on my TV screen include the following:
Exhibit B:
Not only is she playfully plugging her ears while talking about her murdered boss' various business dealings, but she wore THAT sweater to testify in court, where presumably she knew she would be filmed!
The screenshot quality here is not very good, but I wanted you to be able to get a sense of the fringe in its full glory: encircling her upper torso. Original video starting about 1:28 or so found here.
That bright-blue sweater is a true fashion monstrosity. I'm not going to lie when I say that I'm pretty sure that as a juror I would stop listening to anything this witness said because I just don't think fringe has a place in a court of law. Also, she testified for the defense and Dateline convinced me that the dude on trial totally killed his dad and brother and also shot his mom in the face, though only severely disfiguring her.
*Mocking hoarders' clothes would be too easy. Their lives are already sad enough without me complaining that they didn't pull a more flattering pair of pants out of one of their rat-infested hoard piles.
My most frequent comment when watching reality television: "What is s/he wearing?!"* Seriously, though, people--it's not like you didn't know you were going to be on TV. I'll admit that it is usually ladies who get my wrath (men have fewer bad choices available to them, I believe), but everybody comes under my critical eye when they're on my TV. And it doesn't matter that I'm wearing sweats, I'm not on camera.
I'm sorry about your daughter's tragic death/probable murder, but who told you that print and that hairstyle were okay for this decade?
And this State Island bro who refuses to take care of the family dog--what is that shirt thing? Nothing sleeveless should ever have a collar. I think that's just a general rule of fashion that everyone should follow. And what is it with animal prints (clothing or home decor)? That shit should be outlawed.
Oh, off-the-shoulder lady, are you trying to seduce that Mormon Ghost Hunter guy? Whatever you're going for, the result is unfortunate and on national television.
Maybe I'll make this a regular blog feature: Bad Fashion I Saw on TV This Week. If I get at least two comments supporting this, I will make it happen. At least one more time, anyway.
Related, though more clever--my friend Rebekah has diagnosed a serious problem for women featured on hoarding shows: IFB or Ill-Fitting Bra Syndrome. It does stand to reason that if you're letting your 42 cats shit and reproduce in every nook and cranny of your crazy-huge piles of indoor garbage, fashion and personal comfort are probably not a high priority for you.
*Followed by, in no particular order: -"Oh my god!" -"These people are crazy!" -"Why are they doing this?" -"Ew, gross!" -"Haven't these people seen this show before?" -"I love Keith Morrison." and -"These people are really bad at murder. I could plan a better crime than this."**
**This is true; I could. If I ever murder somebody, I will plan it perfectly and I will follow the number one cardinal rule of getting away with murder: NEVER, EVER TELL ANYONE. Your special lady may not always be your special lady, and she may come forward two decades from now when DNA technology is more advanced and you will be SCREWED.
Note: I delayed posting this for, like, at least a month because I was thinking about making a highlight video of Chip being fabulous and brave, but I don't really have the technology (poor/cheap) and mostly am too lazy. So, sans specially-made video, here 'tis anyway:
Coffey and Gunn: America's newest demon/fashion faux pas-fighting team!
DO NOT FUCK WITH THEIR SHIT.
So, I may have mentioned before that we got cable this fall, and it is the BEST THING EVER. I especially love reality shows. I mean, I've always indulged in trashy dating shows and such, but I love almost anything on A&E, tons of TLC shows, etc. I've especially gotten into ghost shows! Almost anything with fucking night vision cameras is my best friend. Whether it's ridiculously muscled but oddly endearing GhostBro and his pals, the earnest cargo-shorted scientific investigations of the domestically-based Ghost Hunters, or the kind of touchy-feely but adorably sincere crew from Pennsylvania on Paranormal State, I love that shit. It's creepy and fun and sometimes heartwarming. The tugging of the heartstrings usually comes from Paranormal State, where I was first exposed to the amazing consulting psychic Chip Coffey. Chip is no-nonsense, badass, and wears fabulous scarves!
I liked Chip on Paranormal State, but he is perhaps even more amazing as a mentor for psychic children on another A&E show, Psychic Kids. Chip meets with kids who see ghosts and teaches them to harness and control their abilities. He also has a hippie therapist who talks to their parents and teaches them not to tell their kids that they're possessed by the devil if they see spirits. Also, Chip is like, always right and adorable. Look at him being awesome:
I want Chip to be my best friend AND mentor, much like Project Runway's motivational-without-being-sappy fashion design guru Tim Gunn. Tim is a little more buttoned up, but their mannerisms, as well as their approaches to mentoring are strikingly similar. Compare Chip to the subdued (but sassy) and completely practical advice of T. Gunn to aspiring designers:
No FUCKING NONSENSE. I think they should team up and do a ghost-hunting/makeover show on E! or some shit. Amirite or amiritie?
Men never victimize women who carry weapon-y things! Oh, wait.
Remember a while back when I published that terrible email from Ye Olde University's police department about how some girl got raped, so everybody should try not to get raped by meeting new people, talking to them, or generally being alive? Amanda Hess over at The Sexist apparently received some sort of chain email that draws from supposed interviews with convicted rapists about how women can avoid being raped. Here's a hint: It does not contain the tip "Stay away from me. I'm the one who'll be wearing the 'RAPIST' t-shirt." (Rape Prevention Tips From Rapists: Stay Inside Or Die A Horrible Death ) Highlight of Amanda's awesome response: "You know the old saying: better off carrying a useless decorative cane than sorry." It's so true! Amanda effectively breaks down why these recommendations are such bullshit: they put all the onus on the ladies, trying to convince us that no matter what we do, we're wrong and are pretty much just asking to get raped. Which is, like, double bullshit because though we all already know to carry our keys sticking out between our fingers and to park under street lamps and not to talk to repulsive Axe-wearing dudebros, sometimes we still get raped! Usually by people we know, who aren't necessarily looking for a grocery store parking lot victim with an easily-grabbable ponytail! Actually they are often usually our friends, family members, or boyfriends! That is why people call it "date" or "acquaintance" or "marital" rape. But whatever. Nope, we should only teach women to "watch out" for bush-hiding strangers, to live in fear, and not, like, teach men to not be rapists for godssakes.
But Lauren, you might say if you were an asshole, like, dudez are totally evolutionarily set up to be rapists sexually aggressive. Haven't you seen an Arby's/beer/car/power tools/name that thing marketed to guys commercial? They can't help it! And anyway, it's not like they're RAPISTS or something if they coerce you into sex or get you so drunk you don't know what's going on! Haha, RAPISTS are registered sex offenders who carry guns and knives and also are really good at hiding in the backseats of cars. If the dudes you KNOW and might voluntarily hang out with or invite into your apartment are rapists, too, how can we convince you that there's a set of rules that will keep you from being assaulted? Pay no attention to the patriarchy behind the curtain, ladies. AND WATCH OUT FOR BIZARRE FAKE BABY SCHEMES. (Seriously, go read the whole thing. It's horrible/awesome.) And anyway, if you're not going to get serious about carrying that deadly decorative cane with you everywhere, then all those convicted rapists are just going to assume that you wanted it.
Jeff Fecke on the idea that feminists should consult Catholic priests for relationship advice:
Oh, Jesus. Yes, what feminism needs is a man’s perspective on what women need. That’s exactly what feminism is about! That, and looking for awesome shoes. Chicks love shoes.
Well, if we're talking about The SEXY GAY Jesus, then he totally has something to contribute. Also, he knows where to find the best shoes.* FACT: I have way too many shoes. FACT: The Lesbo-Feminist Gestapo lets you keep your Feminist Card if you have more than just a pair of birkenstocks and some combat boots these days. Just don't overdo it, okay?
BTW, I saw 1994's cult classic/stoner/college movie PCU over the weekend, and actually quite enjoyed it. There may have been a few mitigating factors. Namely:
a) being in a slightly altered state of mind, also
b) I am a sucker for the Jeremy Piven, even in his prematurely-balding, obviously-way-too-old-for-college state.
But anyway, I quite enjoyed the "PC" stereotypes, what with having gone to a small liberal arts college and all. The Womynists cracked me up, as did the stoner/frisbee kids, the protester kids, but especially the underground fraternity, led by a young David Spade. This role was built for everybody's favorite whiny comedian who looks like he's twelve years old. It is unfortunate that he continued to play this exact same role for the next ten years in everything he's ever been in. But this was perfect for him. Anyway, you should check it out some time. I think the stereotypes poke fun without insulting, which is an important distinction to draw. It's obviously more of a "guys'" movie, but that's kind of how (non-romantic) comedies tend to skew (unfortunately). (Just felt like I should put one more thing in parentheses.)
*ANECDOTE: A dear friend of mine who didn't come out to many of us until our senior year of college spent the summer after freshman year selling women's shoes at Nordstrom and claiming that his long-distance significant other was a woman (so not the case). It was ridiculous at the time, and even funnier in retrospect. But damn, was he good at selling shoes!
