|I'm sorry about your daughter's tragic death/probable murder, but who told you that print and that hairstyle were okay for this decade?|
|Oh, off-the-shoulder lady, are you trying to seduce that Mormon Ghost Hunter guy? Whatever you're going for, the result is unfortunate and on national television.|
Related, though more clever--my friend Rebekah has diagnosed a serious problem for women featured on hoarding shows: IFB or Ill-Fitting Bra Syndrome. It does stand to reason that if you're letting your 42 cats shit and reproduce in every nook and cranny of your crazy-huge piles of indoor garbage, fashion and personal comfort are probably not a high priority for you.
*Followed by, in no particular order:
-"Oh my god!"
-"These people are crazy!"
-"Why are they doing this?"
-"Haven't these people seen this show before?"
-"I love Keith Morrison."
-"These people are really bad at murder. I could plan a better crime than this."**
**This is true; I could. If I ever murder somebody, I will plan it perfectly and I will follow the number one cardinal rule of getting away with murder: NEVER, EVER TELL ANYONE. Your special lady may not always be your special lady, and she may come forward two decades from now when DNA technology is more advanced and you will be SCREWED.