Happy birthday, Mr. Lincoln!

GUYS, did you know that Abe Lincoln once had hair like Mulder from season 2 of The X-Files?

Exhibit A:

OMG this happened. Source.

Exhibit B:

At his hedgehoggiest. Source.

Double hotness (with bad hair) there for you. YOU'RE WELCOME. Here, go revisit my presidential post about Lincoln. He's so dreamy, you guys!

It's like an Alaskan x-file!

Deep in the midst of viewing my Northern Exposure complete series set (it comes in a ridiculous leather pouch for some reason!), I was particularly amused to find out that some sort of mysterious blob had recently been tormenting the Alaskan coast. Apparently it's just a huge mass of stringy algae, though. Phew. That's not creepy, right? Totally not sentient or anything, the giant mass of algae. Nope. Not like that scary giant Argentinean ant empire or whatever. Anyway, for more information about Alaska, be sure to go review my Alaska vlog from a while back. A classic. And while I'm pimping* my own YouTube videos, you may as well go watch the apocalpyse vlog too, though we did not include a hostile international ant and/or algae takeover in one of the doomsday scenarios. Should've seen that one coming. I bet reincarnated dinosaur Karl Marx would have. *Is there a less distasteful word that means something similar but is not associated with selling women? Shilling? Or do you have to shill for something? Share your thoughts, dear readers, if any of you are bothering to read this footnote.

Quote o' the Day plus other rambly stuff: SCOTUS, racism, Canada

Amanda Marcotte on how the Democrats will obviously push through Sonia Sotomayor's nomination while the minority party will attempt to score stupid political points:

Republicans will pretend to be outraged that Sotomayor is “racist” because she doesn’t believe that white people are better than everyone else, though perhaps they’ll branch out into arguments about how she’s not a woman because she’s both female and adult and she’s not a judge because she writes court decisions.

Supreme Court justice hearings as political theater (Pandagon) Rant I'm sure I've ranted before on this here blog: Stupid "reverse racism" bullshit. NO SUCH THING, ASSHOLES. Even if it is true that there are people of color who hate white people just for being white... well, it's not true. It's about resenting undeserved privileges afforded to whites. And let's face it, while I'm pretty awesome anyway and pretty much just have to send people pictures of myself and they'll be like, "Please, Lauren, come work for us/study on our tab/take over The Daily Show/other awesome things," I know I benefit from white privilege. Duh. Okay, bad example because the pictures would clearly demonstrate that I am a whitey white whitester. But anyway, I just don't understand getting pissed off about affirmative action. Oh, that highly qualified person of color who may or may not be more highly qualified than I am according to certain subjective standards got the job/position instead of me? There's a decent chance they've had to work harder and/or will have to continue to work harder to get where they are and also, it is likely that I will never even know who they hired instead or why. Duh. "Reverse discrimination" is not possible. It's called "let's try to stop screwing over people who have been historically subordinated quite so much, even if it will force those cute suburban white kids to feel the sting of rejection for once in their goddamn lives." IT IS NOT RACIST TO MENTION OR RECOGNIZE RACE AND/OR WORK TO MITIGATE THE EFFECTS OF AND ALSO END RACISM. But on a lighter note, I like to inform/remind people regularly that the Canadian Supreme Court dresses like Santa & Mrs. Claus: Look at how many lady judges they have! 50% of their highest court! How... how do the Quebecois say it? FAIR. (Though there's a lot of caucasian going on there, obvs.) And also, front and center is the Right Honourable (fun Canadian spelling!)* Beverley McLachlin, P.C. Chief Justice of Canada, LADY JUDGE, BITCHEZ! (They usually shorten that title a little bit, but I'm giving you the full official name for informational and also lady-gloating purposes.) *Ever since we saw an X-Files episode in which awesome Canadian actor William B. Davis AKA Cigarette-Smoking Man had lines about a diplomatic pouch that contained some space rock which in turn contained the black oil or something, Isaac and I cannot stop saying that word all Canadianly. Try it, it's fun: POUCH. /pʌʊtʃ/ Hee hee. What a cute word, amirite? BTW: Just discovered there is an Oxford Canadian Dictionary. Politely make a bit of room next to yourself there on the shelf, OED, the CanOD was wondering if perhaps it could join you in the reference section. If it doesn't trouble you too much, that is. It would be greatly appreciated.

Totally Researching and Writing My Final Papers Right Now

Hey kids! Did you have a fine holiday? I did! My Minneapolitan Pal N took a road trip down to see me and we had a glorious time, filled with excessive (if there is such a thing) X-Files marathoning, overeating, and various drunken shenaniganry. While she was here, she exposed me to the awesomeness that is this video: "It's called Speed Stick, it's not expensive." Also, the animation totally makes me feel like I'm watching the awesomest episode of this show ever: Oh, Dexter. "Omelette du fromage"--that probably was the awesomest episode, actually, but I couldn't find a good clip. However! Some guy wrote an instrumental rock song to it, check it out. God I love the internet sometimes. -In other worlds, Amanda tells dudes, "Don't be That Guy." Seriously. Don't. Nobody benefits from your creepery; not even you. (Pandagon) -Via Crooks and Liars, is GWB drinking again? What happens in Peru doesn't stay there, especially when you're surrounded by news cameras. Libby Spencer at The Reaction encourages us all to check out pictures of Bush at the Olympics this summer. Seriously, Google Image Search that shit. It's ridic.

X-Files nerdery and birthday wishes

Eh? So Ka$h and I were watching a season three two-parter last night, splitting a bottle of wine over ye olde X-Files Drinking Game. There was an all-too-brief appearance by the Lone Gunmen, and a discussion ensued about how Dean Haglund, the guy who plays Langly, is actually pretty cute without that ratty D&D/death metal hair. Annnyway, disappointed by the lack of info about him on IMDB, I directed Ka$h towards Wikipedia. Obvs. Which directed her to HIS WEBSITE, hooray! Apparently he does improv and standup, makes awesome Lone Gunmen gear (might have to buy some of this, I'm not gonna lie), and is an inventor! Yes, an inventor! He has invented the Chill Pak, which "draws heat away from your computer stopping the agitation of electrons." In her half-a-bottle-of-wine-down-the-gullet state, Ka$h kept ranting about how talking about electrons is "so cute!" Also, I am kind of convinced that I need one as my laptop has overheated a couple of times and it's only a couple months old. She totally wanted to email him, because she found out from MySpace that his birthday was yesterday. I would not allow it. Dean Haglund may be the kindest Canadianest celebrity ever, but I have too much love for him to actually drunkenly email him. Even with a birthday wish. I'd like to make a better impression than that, you see. Ka$h claimed that emailing him would "still be a good idea when we're sober," but I'm going to stick with the public blog post. So, happy birthday yesterday, Dean Haglund! You have fabulous drunk fans in Minnesota!

Friday: Frigg's Day*

After a long day filled with an extraneous work lunch, the somewhat-unintentional burning of some personal bridges, and what I will admit was a half-assed Presidential post yesterday,** I was so ready to have some fun at our trivia night last night. Anne and I were so pleased that our trivia mentors/heroes, Chuck and Sean came out to play and didn't even berate us for stealing 75% of their format. Also, Anne made people do a relay race physical challenge for bonus points that I must say has been one of the more successful activities we've done. Favorite category of the night: Childhood Diseases. Anne wouldn't let me ask questions about leukemia, though, because apparently she thought that might be triggering for some people. That might be true if I were like, "This kind of cancer kills innocent little kids by attacking their adorable baby blood and bone marrow and they slowly waste away in a hospital bed while their peers enjoy playing outside, going to school with their friends, and not having terminal illnesses." But I totally wasn't going to write it like that. Oh, well. Used mumps instead. But enough about me,*** I've got some good links for this Friday. And none of them are about rape, so hooray! -One of my blogging heroes and comics critic extraordinaire, Joshua Fruhlinger, recently appeared as a contestant on the classic TV game show Jeopardy! I knew he was going to be on, so I ducked out a little early on Tuesday to try and catch some action, but I only got home in time to see the credits, and they kept focusing on the other guy, so I assumed (correctly) that he was the champion. Now Josh has given his many well-wishers an awesome and detailed account of his experience doing the show. A salute to enthusiastic nerdery! Also, he gets extra points for referencing a Weird Al song (see classic video below). I lost on Jeopardy. (The Comics Curmudgeon) -You know, in the past few years, I've become a bit of a Kathy Griffin fan. Maybe it's her "meanness," maybe it's her status as a gay icon, I don't know, but either she's getting funnier, or I'm getting better at appreciating bitchiness. Maybe both. Kathy G recently wrote an ode to Kathy Griffin and praised her for "keeping shit real." Seriously. Nobody knows how to mock the cool kids quite like Kathy Griffin. She's totally invited to sit at the nerdy overachiever/as-of-yet closeted gay boys' table in the lunch room where my friends and I sat.**** Dame of the Day: Kathy Griffin. (The G Spot) -So: Jezebel. I read it. I really do love it. I don't necessarily go there for the hardest-hitting, most in-depth feminist analysis of current events, but I do go there for their smart, sassy smackdowns of pop culture and snarky commentary on whatever they fucking feel like writing about that day. Anyway, a particular post by SadieStein caught my attention, as it was about Facebook. I have a Facebook problem. Obvs. Anyway, check out a funny look at Facebooked: The Art of Choosing a Picture. (Jezebel) Oh, and: X-FILES MOVIE TONIGHT, BITCHEZ! Can't wait. *Frigg, eventually associated with Venus. **Come on, though, did I really need to rehash all the antebellum politics? You guys know what happened, and if you don't, you can come over and read the appropriate chapters in the copy of The American Pageant I keep in my living room. Yes. I do. ***Haha. This is a blog. My blog. There's NEVER enough about me. That's why you read it, isn't it? Come on. ****This is a metaphorical table, because once I hit high school, I stopped eating in the cafeteria, and my friends and I left campus every day as soon as we were allowed to junior year. But you get what I'm saying, right?

Today's links brought to you by a glowing sense of vindication

Sorry to gloat without explanation, friends, but this one's not for the internet. Yet. Just sayin' that I am in a great mood, and only just now opened an energy drink. So happy hump day! Wipe those Cheeto crumbs off your fingers, change into a fresh pair of pajamas, and open up the blinds on that basement window, blog readers!* I gots some linkies.

-First comes from the Boozehound Cinephile (I bow down to the more experienced drunk). The bloggers over at Pajiba have been writing about good TV shows or something, blah blah blah--he talks about screwdrivers. In the involved and analytical sort of way only a true conoisseur can appreciate. Apparently the screwdriver is a telltale "alcoholic's drink." Just because we've kept massive amounts of frozen orange juice concentrate on hand for the past four years and it is a VERY rare a occasion that we have even less than two different bottles of vodka, doesn't make me an alcoholic! Seriously, people. Although I did like Ted's theory that drunks like screwdrivers because they can just pretend that they're drinking juice. I mean, not that I would have ever done that in the presence of some nice Mormons who came to visit me shortly after I left the church and was still letting them come over, pretty much only because I knew them personally and felt like I should let them fulfill their home and visiting teaching callings. That would have been really tacky. For the record: I do order screwdrivers in bars sometimes because I want something simple and not carbonated, but I only consider it a true "cocktail" if we're using vodka at least one step above Smirnoff and orange juice that tastes something like actual oranges and none of that sickly sweet Sunny D shit. The Dirty Dozen. (Ted Boynton, Pajiba)

Mulder likes screwdrivers, take a drink.

-I know I've got her over on my short blogroll and she doesn't update a lot, but seriously, you HAVE to go read Terrible Mother. She is seriously one of the best writers on all of the internet. She will break your heart and patch it up with her poignant, funny, and engaging accounts of an everyday but amazingly beautiful life lived. Yes, I'm being sincere for once. Please don't walk away! She uses sarcasm too! Go check out her latest post (as well as the archives), written on location at her dying grandmother's house in California. She talks about family, love, and relationships with an honesty and an accuracy (if that makes sense) that I've rarely seen in writing. In California, I Dream of Snow. (Terrible Mother)

-So recently GWB was like, "Hey, thinking about maybe possibly looking at the 'family planning' section of Walgreen's** is totally an abortion and we're not going to fund that shit," and HRC and (one of my home state's two awesome lady Senators) Patty Murray were like, "Nice try, assholes." A lot of people are talking about it, but I'll link to Amanda's post because, you know, I like doing that. Everything's abortion. (Amanda Marcotte, Pandagon)

-Speaking of women and choices (esp. vis a vis reproduction), Lisa Kansas spells out clearly how people would just prefer that we not have any, because any choice we do make is WRONG. "'Men' and 'mankind' apparently not being defined to include 'ambulatory wombs.'" (Lisa Kansas, PunkAssBlog)


All right, we'll call this good for now and save a couple links for later. Or tomorrow. Whatever.


*If you do not read enough blogs to realize that these are all stereotypes about bloggers, well then... I just felt really super-nerdy all of a sudden. Goddamn the webernets are an insulated place sometimes.

**So I totally bought (non-fruity) condoms at Walgreen's yesterday, and I swear the older guy (like, in his sixties "older") who works there a lot and always seems kind of patronizing was acting especially jackassy to me. He gave me shit about unloading my own basket (it had other things in it besides condoms, people) because "no one ever knows what to do with them afterwards" and seemed annoyed that I tried to use the pen pointer thing on the credit card screen. I was TRYING to be helpful, asshole. But apparently I shouldn't help you avoid repetitive stress injuries or preserve the integrity of the touch screen. I can't say for sure that he was judging me for being a whore, he does have a shitty job, but I can't say for sure that he WASN'T.

Never talk to me during "The Jackal"!

I have gotten a Certain Someone Who Has Requested to Never Be Mentioned on This Blog (CSWHRNBMTB or "Certain Someone," for short) hooked on season one of The West Wing AKA reason #1b that I give a shit about politics.* This Certain Someone seemed bewildered by the following clip: Explanation: No explanation necessary. CJ is a fucking badass. OH MY GOD WHY DO I NOT HAVE A WEST WING DRINKING GAME?!! Oh, probably because I usually watch it alone. Well, as soon as I have a geographically present WW pal, a game that may come close to rivaling the demanding rules of The X-Files Drinking Game shall be invented. There will definitely be a one-to-one match-up on the "Scully is a badass, take a drink" with a "CJ is a badass" rule. I love sexy, awesome TV ladies who kick the patriarchy's ass. Anyway, no worries, anonymous friend: Season two will shortly be on its way! Also, Sam's dance moves at the end of the clip there look awfully familiar... P.S. I love Toby. Smoke rings! *Reason #1a being that I dated The Pretentious Ex-Boyfriend who was obsessed with politics, so were all his friends, and he introduced me to the magic of the Aaron Sorkin Political Fantasyland.

X-Files Drinking Game: Favorite Rules

Hey kids,

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned our X-Files Drinking Game before. It has, like, 101 rules. That are written down. There are random things we drink for that weren't really worth making into rules, or came to us after the 100 mark, but there's a lot of awesome things to drink to, is what I'm saying. BTVFF (Best TV Friend Forever) Ka$h and I are on our second journey through the complete series, currently stalled mid-season 2 while she road-trips. However, in the meantime, I copied the idea of a friend of mine, and used my economic arousal stimulus check just the way GWB wanted me to and ordered the Complete Collector's Edition off of Amazon (all nine seasons + first movie). The box comes with a drawer! With pamphlets! And a poster for the original movie! I'm totally hanging it above my bed so as to impress all the many men I bring there. By which I mean, no one will ever see this poster.

ANYWAY. I decided to pick out a few (ten, actually) favorite drinking game rules to commemorate the awesomeness that is the X-Files and especially its renewed cultural relevance due to the imminent release of a new movie.* And I just have to throw out there that I am so glad I have good X-Files fan friends now, because it was a bit odd being the only X-Files-loving, morbid, choir-singing, cynical, occasional cheerleading** Mormon girl I knew growing up. But so pull out a favorite episode, pour yourself a drink (you might want to have a back-up ready if you've got a full set of rules), and get ready for some classics.

TAKE A DRINK WHEN:
(These are not ranked, I just like making numbered lists.)

1. Krycek gets his ass kicked. This happens a lot. Sifting through all the Krycek/Mulder slash videos, this old VCR-ed promo gave the best quick synopsis of Krycek getting what he deserves:***

And I really have to say the Alex Krycek is not only a beautiful man (he goes from FBI Ken Doll --> badass pretty boy), but his character is one of the best demonstrations of the concept of "amorality" I have ever seen. Pure self-interest. Love. it.

2. Skinner's loyalty is questioned. You're not really sure whose side he's on until late in the game. But by then you totally want him to have your back. He consistently does a great job of playing the power game because can only help uncover the Truth (take a drink at its mention, BTW) if he can keep his job.

3. Ford Taurus. Starting in about season 2, this is the only rental car Mulder and Scully ever drive. (Also take a drink if Mulder is the default driver.)

4. Cancer Man lights up. The rule isn't just whenever he's smoking, because we're not promoting alcohol poisoning here, just drink when he's shown lighting a cigarette. God I love Cancer Man. And how he shot JFK.****

5. A giant '90s cell phone shows up. They are funny.

6. Scully is a badass. She's pretty much always a badass, but once in a while she'll kick somebody's ass or tell somebody off or perform some sort of feat of strength that deserves extra recognition. Do it with a drink.

7. Mulder is inappropriately snarky. Pretty much any time he is ever around any sort of authority figure.

8. "After all you've seen, after all we've been through, why can't you just believe?"

9. Mulder meets with X. Take a second drink if it goes down in a parking garage.

10. Scully is shown wearing huge shoulderpads/unfortunate frumpy early '90s clothes/has tragically bad hair.

Anyway, this is just the first installment in what is sure to be an exciting series for all of us as I spread the X-Files Drinking Game magic.

Love and vodka shots,

Lauren


*July 25th, bitchez! You know what my plans are. Also, IMDB just told me that Xzibit is in the movie. WTF? By which I mean, I can't wait.

**One season in eighth grade. But I like to bring it up because I can't believe I did that. Can you spell PUBLIC HUMILIATION? I can. That is why I stopped being a cheerleader.

***Sans the part in season 8 when Doggett starts punching him through the moving car window. The only thing more satisfying than that moment is when Skinner finally shoots Krycek in the head.

****I do not support the historical assassination of any U.S. Presidents, but I think it's awesome that his character is wrapped up in all the important events of the second half of the twentieth century. Like Forrest Gump, but way more evil.