On the this the 10th anniversary of your freedom

[In the fall of 2004, I made the decision to leave the LDS Church I'd been raised in and I've never looked back. If you'll indulge me a bit of sincere emotion, here's some things I'd like to say to myself back then.]

You got this, girl.

Dear 21 year-old Lauren,

You are doing the right thing. I know it feels horrible and impossible, but you know in your heart (through your brain and emotions, not the Holy Ghost or whatever) that it's the right thing. It's time to stop being Mormon. Sure, you can never actually be completely un- or ex-Mormon if you were raised by parents who both have Mormon pioneer ancestors; it's a cultural thing. But you don't have to do this thing anymore. If you don't believe, you know it's wrong to fake it. So don't.

You know how you worry that you feel icky about trying to reconcile your newfound liberal political beliefs with church teachings? That shit disappears if you just stop trying to make cognitive dissonance work. Or you know how you wonder if deep down inside you're giving up Everything (family, eternal salvation, etc.) just so you can have sex with your boyfriend, and that's not a very good reason? Your family won't disown you! You'll stop believing in an afterlife anyway! Sex is great and totally normal to do with somebody you love when you are both consenting adults! Sex away! (Or rather, keep sexing, because we both know you took that plunge before you officially decided to stop going to church.) You know that heavy rock of anxiety, that sense of dread about the future you constantly feel because you fear you and your boyfriend can never get married because of religious differences and also the Second Coming is going to happen, like, any day now, so why bother making any plans? Let it go! First of all, you should never, ever marry your current boyfriend and you won't, thank the Sexy Gay Jesus, and also that other stuff is not real. Ten years in the future I can tell you that we're all going to drown due to climate change, sure, but Jesus has not yet returned to Adam-ondi-Ahman.

Remember in August, when your best friends from home and your awesome little sister drove out to Montana where you'd escaped another summer of depression, unemployment, and also your family to pick you up in a minivan with a kayak strapped to the top? And how at your crappy outside-of-Yellowstone campsite you seriously considered tasting some of that wine your friends were drinking, but didn't because your sister was there and you didn't want to make it weird? You and alcohol will get together. It's going to be a torrid and sometimes messy affair, but it will mostly be very, very fun even if your family and former church friends may worry you are an alcoholic because you don't think drinking is a horrible secret and/or that you are doomed because of your complete disregard for the Word of Wisdom. That is not a real thing. You're fine. Have fun with trusted friends.

And you know how worst of all, you feel like you're letting your parents down? Like, destroying them by not following the life plan they wanted for you? It's going to be okay. It's going to be awkward and scary for awhile, but they love you and will always want a relationship with you. You have built a support system outside of your family and you will be all right without their approval. You will go to therapy and time will pass and you will become more independent and trust yourself to do what's right for you, not what you think you should do. You will become (even more) awesome. You will be an adult and your parents will have to take care of their own feelings. It is normal to let them down, to choose a different path, and to disagree completely with them about how the universe works.* This is how many, many families function. You'll figure out how to relate as adults and you will not really miss the people-pleaser you once were, your parents' "golden child" for all those years. Not giving a fuck is the freedom you have earned.

You will, in fact, largely give up guilt once you stop going to church. It will be amazing. You will swear constantly, drink too much, have sex with numerous unsuitable (and/or just largely unknown) fellows before meeting someone way more awesome than anyone you know (or are dating) now. You'll stop feeling like there's something wrong with you because you've never aspired to the church's version of ideal womanhood. You'll become an unapologetic feminist and find a partner who is too. If you get married, it will be on your own terms. If you have kids, it will be the same. You'll no longer feel torn between supporting your queer friends and your upbringing. You'll never feel like walking out of a meeting because those leading it use the word "patriarchy" in a positive sense because you will never attend such a meeting again. You'll feel safe among your peers to make choices without the baggage of whether or not Jesus would do such-and-such or whether or not you can do some-other-thing and still go to the Celestial Kingdom. You've never really liked the idea that you had to spend eternity with your immediate family anyway, so it's a good thing it doesn't exist.

You are okay the way you are. You will always have to struggle with anxiety and depression, but don't believe your parents' hype: it's not sin and the absence of the Holy Ghost that makes you that way: it's genetics, it's luck, it's the everyday pain of growing up and separation, and it's a traumatic shattering of the world you've always known. But you're the one doing the shattering. Everything inside of you tells you this is the right move. Do it. Break everything, break yourself open and find New Lauren. New Lauren may not ever get her shit together, but she got this one thing right. Do it for us. You'll make it.

I'll see you,
31 year-old Lauren


PS- Enjoy vodka and orgasms.
PPS- Be patient, your sister will figure it out too in her own time.

*It's random, cruel, and meaningless, that is a fact--but some people like to make up comforting stories that say otherwise.

How psychic believers made me more of a skeptic

Guys, as I have mentioned before, I'm like, obsessed with paranormal TV shows: investigation-y ones, ones with cheesy reenactments, personal anecdotes, scientific or "scientific" analysis of the phenomena, whatever. Obviously, my default television network is Investigation Discovery because, duh murder shows, but if there's a ghost hunt or first-person account of a haunting or even a paranormal debunking show on that I somehow haven't seen yet, I'm watching it. I've also written numerous academic papers on paranormal investigation TV (and even got one accepted to an academic journal for publication mwahmwahmwah) because I think the genre's popularity can tell us some really interesting things about our culture.* Do I believe in ghosts? Maybe? I've stated before that I am like Mulder's poster when it comes to the paranormal:

But I kind of gave up on believing things when I stopped being Mormon (eight years ago this fall!). I mean, I grew up being taught to believe in some weird shit. For a long time after leaving the church, I thought of myself as an "apathetic agnostic"; I didn't know if I believed in a god, and I didn't really care. I lean more toward atheist now, and my inability to believe in a deity also makes me awfully skeptical about stuff like souls and an afterlife. Which makes the whole "ghost" thing confusing. But lest this turn entirely into a multi-thousand word post about which scientific theories of alternate realities/universes/energies or whatever I think might be valid, let's just leave it at: I have always been fascinated by and drawn to paranormal stuff. I like the idea of it, I think people have authentically unexplainable experiences, but I have no firsthand experience and my liberal arts-addled/critical thinking brain is like, "It's probably bullshit. It's cool and creepy, but probably mostly bullshit."

The other important thing to know about me is that I am very uncomfortable with genuine displays of emotion. Sincerity is like my Kryptonite. I cannot handle earnest people and all their feelings and enthusiasm and faith and I'm just feeling icky thinking about it. I only hug when I'm drunk! I use sarcasm as a shield! Et cetera! I don't even know how I handled all those years of testimony meeting.** Which is not to say I've never been caught up in "the Spirit" or whatever. That's what Girls' Camp and EFY were for. I've moved pretty far past that whole Mormon teenager "I have to believe" mindset, so today even things like my local Occupy meetings drain me because of the all the goddamn belief in change and earnest effort. I was just so goddamn embarrassed for everyone. I hate the Q&A sections of academic lectures. You just do not know what people will say! It is so awkward. I hate it. True believers are huge turn-off for me. But I went to see psychic/medium/badass Chip Coffey last night anyway.

I can't say that the actual presentation/show was worth the $50 I spent to sit in the very back of the general admission section, but Chip was, ultimately, very charming. He's an adorable southern-ish gay man who likes to swear and give people tough love. How can you not be into that? I also tend to believe that Chip Coffey is sincere in his belief that he can speak to the dead and has general psychic abilities. I don't believe the man is a charlatan (though I do kind of just like using the word "charlatan"), and I've seen him come up with some pretty specific, creepy shit that he really has no way of knowing on his various TV appearances and even in a few of the short readings he did last night. I can't explain those. But most of what he does is read people. OBVS. Psychics are like Sherlock Holmes, but more tactful.

The crowd who showed up at Coffey Talk with Chip Coffey was largely made up of white ladies, and skewed toward middle age, I would estimate. And some of them had their very own PSYCHIC KIDS with them! Which is one of Chip's things, obvs, but when the woman next to me pressed him during Q&A to write, like, an instructional manual about children's psychic development he was like, "I actually do very little work with children." In part because it is kind of controversial, which he admits. And she was filled with disappointment, but luckily she could chat with the ladies in front of us about their psychic kids together during the break, at which time I escaped to the bar. Then at the bar, while slurping down my raspberry vodka and Sprite (I had less than 15 minutes), a middle-aged white lady with a very short, very unfortunate haircut and a commemorative satin jacket from Alcatraz ("The Rock") was telling some other lady about her life-changing experience with cars from the past and reliving her childhood to find peace with a dead loved one or something and I was texting my friends like, "OMG these people" because I am terrible.

There were lot of people walking around with VIP lanyards (pay extra to actually meet Chip) and Super-VIP lanyards (pay even more extra to meet Chip and do a paranormal investigation of the Wabasha Street Caves with him) who read pretty "ghost hunter-y" to me (Think: Paranormal Challenge contestants). Most people who were picked out of the many volunteers during the second portion of the show to have readings done either wanted to contact a dead friend or relative or to ask about, like, health problems they have or something. Chip was generally charming, he handles people well and didn't let anybody yammer on and on awkwardly. But of course his readings for people were incredibly general, and even some specifics seemed pretty easy to guess. He did (apparently accurately) mention boats in relation to two of the men he "read," but since this is Minnesota and practically everybody's got a cabin on a lake or at least a friend who has one, I'm not sure that's really narrowing it down much. As I watched the sad, mourning people gain comfort from Chip telling them their loved one says they love them and that they are okay, I was in some ways disappointed. Nothing amazing happened. Those readings could have been for anybody. I would still be open to getting a personal reading done some day (when I've got money to burn), just to see if they said anything actually applicable, but I feel as though it would be a lot like when I got my patriarchal blessing at seventeen and was like "Vague much?"

Though pretty decent entertainment, watching all those believers watch Chip do what he does, I just felt kind of sorry for everybody. Their eagerness to believe just reminded me of my church days. Of teenagers really trying to believe, to claim that the "knew" the Church was true, to "feel the Spirit" and cry and hug each other because of Jesus*** (or just sleep deprivation/peer pressure, but whatever). Of little children in testimony meeting repeating the words of truth and belief into the microphone that their parents whispered into their ears. And because I was there alone, I had nobody to snark to (a great tragedy) or to express my skepticism about certain claims that Chip or his fans were making. It was that community of believers that just kind of creeped me out a little bit. I would read the fuck out of an ethnography about psychic believers, but I would never, ever want to conduct one. I didn't even raise my hand to volunteer for a reading because a) What the hell would I ask? "Can you tell me some vague things about my future career as Amy Poehler?" "Please contact my dead grandparents, but not really because even in life it was awkward to talk to them on the phone, as much as I loved them, and what if this is real and they tell me I've ruined my life by not being Mormon anymore?" Also, b) I probably wouldn't have gotten picked anyway. I bet Chip would have been able to smell the cynicism on me. Though I did wear a semi-sparkly fashion scarf in scarf solidarity.

Anyhow, we all know I have a cold, blackened heart that cannot be touched by the power of love, hope, miracles, or the Invisible Hand of the Marketplace. This is not news. But goddamn if all that sincerity made me turn my skepticism up another couple of notches. Chip is great. Probably not actually speaking to spirits, though. Everybody else at the show last night should maybe think about getting a new hobby.


*Or at least that is maybe what I will write my dissertation about, but that is another essay in itself probably.
**Yes I do: snark. And avoidance. Just like when awkward situations happen on TV, I hide my face and/or do something else or talk over it for a minute because it is SO PAINFUL.
***Not this Jesus. I hug Him all the time, but only when we are both super-drunk. And then we insult each other affectionately and sing karaoke together. It is possible that my friend Brock is the Sexy Gay Jesus.

I live-blog Ann Romney's RNC speech from last night

I promised some friends that I would live-blog Sister Romney's speech to the Republican National Convention last night, but I went out with other friends (I'm really popular) and won trivia with my vast presidential knowledge instead. But thanks to intertubez technology, I can watch the video now that I am a both drinking and on some pretty strong allergy drugs and share my thoughts, ladyfeelings, and reactions with you, dear readers. I should make clear that I do not support Romney, not because he's a plutocratic douchebag who looks like nearly every smarmy (inevitably rich) stake president I ever encountered in my Mormon life, but because of his pro-dragon stance:


This is from primary season, but still the truth, people.

I should mention that I think both of the Romneys are kind of creepily young and attractive-looking for their actual ages (Mitt 65, Ann 63). I think they probably drink the blood of their many grandchildren.* Or maybe it's all those years of full tithe-paying and Word of Wisdom-following that have caused the Lord to bless them with youth and beauty.

Anyway, Lady Ann's talk is sure to inspire us all. I shall begin to watch it now:

You know I really shouldn't say this, but I make the BEST brownies.

She's going to talk to us from heart! We know it's sincere, because she touched her heart when she said it.

American family blahblahblah. She's going to talk to us about the joy and solace of love (but not for gays, obvs because EW). Apparently no one can love as much as mothers. Fuck you dudes and pathetic childless ladies! I'm glad her first example of struggling Americans were parents lying next to each other, worrying about money in a totally heterosexual way. I also just learned that working moms all want to work less because BABIES and there is no one who does not want any/more children.

Now she's grinning maniacally about being "all across this country." She's totally heard about struggling people (moms and dads), and expresses sympathy for them. She should probably send a casserole to them with some visiting teachers! Moms sigh more than dudes do because of ladyfeelings and how women "hold this country together." I won't dispute the fact that ladies work more than men, but I have a hard time taking that seriously from Dame Ann in her fake-humble Oscar de la Renta dress. Shit, I ran out of booze. REFILL TIME! (I just finished drink 3 for tonight, I believe.) Good thing I'm watching this online and can pause for more vodka or to write shit down. I WILL NOT MISS ONE HIGHLIGHT. I will do that for you, dear readers, since you were probably smart enough not to watch this speech yourself. And back to AnnRom:

She just listed various family relationships ladies can have and said, "You know it's true, don't you?" It is a fact that I am a daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, big and little sister, wife, but not mother, so I probably cannot fathom real love yet. Also "friendships" and "professional relationships" are apparently not relevant when defining women. OBVS. Sister Romney loves women (gay?), and the white ladies in the audience are into it. The Romney boys are ridic. Hey, ladies do all the parenting. Which makes them "the best of America." Unless you want an abortion or equal pay, of course.

Ann just mentioned the price of gas and groceries and also paying for school sports which used to be free. Because you know how awesome Republicans are at providing comprehensive public school funding! Also she met Mitt at a high school dance. Ew. Supposedly Mitt makes Ann laugh. Also, Ann's dad was a child laborer in Wales. And yea, Michigan? Ann and Mitt got married way too young and ate tuna in their basement apartment while living off of stock dividends. Classic college experience. Also, let's all applaud the Romneys' reproductive prowess. Also, Ann can relate to you because of breast cancer and MS! (Not that those aren't terrible things, but the Romneys can afford the best medical care available. Hey, did I mention I'm shopping for private insurance for my husband and me because neither of us has any full time jobs? HAHAHA America is awesome.)

Ann claims no one will work harder as president. Can she prove that claim? Stupid giant applause. "As the mom of five boys [just have to throw that in again], do we want to raise our children to be afraid of success?" AUDIENCE: "NO!" WTF? I hate everything. Mitt Romney was "not handed  success." No, but he was handed all the tools and opportunities and money necessary. Awkward not-so-successful "We built it" chant. Also, Mitt doesn't brag about helping people (which he does all the time, because he's awesome) and his businesses have totally helped everybody in America. Wow, Mitt gave a bunch of socialist money to smart kids in Massachusetts for college.

THIS. MAN. WILL. NOT. FAIL. At what? Getting people to make fun of his hair? Making it impossible to know what he really believes in? Keeping his off-shore accounts intact? Also, thank goodness Ann's reassured me that I can trust Mitt to help my children and grandchildren who do not exist because he did not crash his car or rape Ann Romney on the way home from that high school dance 45 years ago or whatever.

Well, I'm convinced. Thank god that was only 20 minutes long (extended for writing in other tabs and booze-refilling pauses).

*As the grandpa in the fantastic Romanian film Strigoi argues, "It's MY blood, I gave it to you!"

The Mormons have let me down again

1. LDS clipart = <3 and 2. This is basically what I looked like not getting baptized for Anne Frank a bunch of times.

Apparently the LDS Church has proxy-baptized Anne Frank, like, ten times. I was baptized for dozens of dead people in the several years I was old enough and still Mormon enough to participate in the these temple baptisms, but never anybody famous. Never ANNE FRANK. Goddammit, people. I wasn't making sure to wear white underwear and not having my period and putting on the polyester baptismal jumpsuit and getting dunked underwater like ten times in a row by the bishop in a warm font resting on the backs of twelve oxen statues if none of the names they said weren't going to be celebrity ladies. Oh, they're supposed to be a church member's "ancestors." Whatever. I feel cheated.

Later-time update: This is totally (unsurprisingly) fucked up.

I live-blog "Orgazmo"

Finally getting around to watching this. I'm not going to do homework in the next hour and a half anyway, so I'll live-blog this shit.

Movie: begun.

I love this "Now you're a man" song over the credits. Note to self: look this shit up for future mix CDs.*

Mormon missionaries whistling! One has a long-sleeve white shirt, and one short-sleeved--is that allowed? Don't companions have to coordinate? Also, missionaries would introduce themselves as "Elder Lastname," not their first and last names. BTWs, I just realized my drink is basically empty (#2 for the night), so I'd better refill before any plot development happens.

UPDATE: two cocktails have convinced me that I should write an article about the "Mormon diaspora." The internet tells me this is already a phrase used to speak of church members outside of Utah/the Mountain West in general. Are ex-Mormons part of this diaspora, or do we count as a separate population? SRSLY THOUGH: We've all left our home (religion) for various reasons, but we can never stop being from Mormonism, just like people who have emigrated to Mozambique from Canada can never stop being part of a Canadian diaspora. Am I right, people?

Ahem. Back to movie.

These missionaries are looking a little piqued. I'm pretty sure single men can't serve missions after age, like, 27 or something.

Some sort of porn plot is happening. Superhero uniforms should not be made of crushed velvet. Actually, nothing should be made of crushed velvets.

Nobody likes to talk to missionaries out tracting! Hardly anyone, I can say from the time I was giving the sister missionaries a ride on Saturday morning in high school, and I found out we were going to do cold walk-ups to doors. They asked me if I wanted to knock on one and do the pitch. I did not!

Elder Young just claimed that getting married at the Salt Lake Temple** is expensive. FACT: temple weddings are free! How else can so many 19-21 year-olds afford that shit?

OMG you guys, the missionaries knocked on the door of the house where they're shooting porn! Hey, does anybody remember on Weeds when Andy breaks into the porn business as Toe Fucker because that dog ate part of his foot that one time at the old grow house? Good times. I am only 8 minutes into this movie; I've got to stop pausing it and going off on tangents. And yet, I've barely started drink #3, many magical typing things could happen.

Agent White ran away from the porn shoot security guard and let Elder Young get his ass kicked for a little while. Companions have to STAY TOGETHER. Oh wait--Young knows martial arts! This fight scene is almost as awesome as one from classic Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, when several putties would attack one person at once, but take turns to do so. Hey, remember when Amy Jo Johnson played the Pink Ranger with a skirt before she was a date rape victim or whatever on "Felicity"? Oh, maybe I was the only one how watched this show TOTALLY WITH YOUNGER KIDS while being babysat by our neighbor before school or with my piano teacher's little boys during my sister's lesson.

Movie: I love the porn producer/director's greased-back patchy longish hair, and an icky patterned shirt.

Agent Young majored in theater at BYU: closet gay? He apparently only has one more week left on his mission. How will smarm-face talk him into doing porn to replace his sissy former star.

Stunt cock and $20,000? I'd seriously consider that shit. Can a dude be both prissy and wholesome? Because that's how the director described Young.

Okay, he just called his fiancee. NOT ALLOWED. Missionaries can call home, like, twice a year: Christmas and Mother's Day. "Jesus and I love you," and want you to do porn for the money which you don't actually need to get married in the temple.

Mormons do call god "Heavenly Father" in prayer, but they don't pray to dirty Catholic Jesus idols like the one here.

"All men love to shave their balls."  And apparently they do it in the hallway.

The Orgazmo outfit might not actually be crushed velvet, but it's something icky. I also (sarcastically) love that I recognize Ron Jeremy. He's icky.

Uhoh, Elder Young (Joe), has gotten roped into everything-but-penetration!

Brief internet search interlude: Trey Parker himself is the dude who plays Joe Young. A different guy named Trey Parker was in Newsies. Who knew? IMDB, that's who.Who is this mullety porn crew guy who looks familiar, then?

Porn happens, Young does some requisite making-out, etc. Now fucking is happening. Missionary experience happening backstage!

This DVDA scene is way less horrifying than in real life because it doesn't actual show how the penetration happens. Also, where the hell is Elder White? Missionaries don't hang out alone. It's not alone. A fight goes down in the sushi bar. Elder Young struts his manly kicking abilities.

I kind of actually heart this exchange:
Blonde Porn Slut: The police can't help, Joe. Where are you from, anyway? Iowa or something?
Young: No, Utah.
BPS: Oh, I'm sorry.
Me: (not actually in movie) HAHA.

Joe comes over to his sidekick costar's science lab house thing. Who cares about the plot?

Hamster style kung fu? Is that like that Zhu Zhu Pet thing?

The Orgazmorator is apparently something shortface guy has actually built. My drink is empty and I'm 32 minutes in. Probably a refill should happen soon. The gun actually gives people orgasms? Weird. Aren't their pants icky inside? Sperm's got to go somewhere. "Wow, Heavenly Father has really given you a gift for science." If I didn't suspect god exists and might strike me down if I use h(H)is proper name, I might start throwing around the HF for comedic effect. I'm sticking with The Sexy Gay Jesus for now. Also, DRINK REFILL TIME.

Hey, is shooting random people like ladies and Hasidic Jews with an orgasm gun sexual assault? It's not exactly consensual. Haha, they made that cop gay!

Apparently big fat women have deep voices and insist on being on top. Haha, fatties! Confession: Isaac and I watch Heavy. I do not have any friends that think A&E shows should all start with Hey! Like "Hey fatty!" or "Hey junkie!" or "Hey demon-possessed person!" Those people would be insensitive and I would not be their friends all the time.

Movie: Oh, okay, I think it's Matt Stone as the set photographer guy. Is he usually blond?

Little kids should not play with Orgazmo action figures. Where is Young's money? Wasn't he supposed to go home really soon?

Why does the naked mariachi band have socks and boots on?

Young just wants his money, but he's been roped into all of this porn business stuff (award shows, parties, etc.).

The sushi place guy has a ridiculous accent and loves his waving kitty statue. Shit, they are beating him with a baseball bat and I am thinking of Vincent Chin--a case I teach about in my job as a grown-up sober person!

Joe Young gets roped into a sequel for more money. BTWs, the original one earned more money than E.T.!

Uh-oh, the stunt cock is BLACK! Matt Stone's character never wants to "sound like a queer or anything." There have got to be papers on this movie.

The Orgazmo gun is going to be real now to confront the dudes who are trying to take over the sushi shop? Also, dance clubs apparently look like high school gyms in movies. Also also, dildoes have door unlocking abilities.

When did Joe's outfit turn purple and shiny and sleeveless? I guess I was looking at job listings for summer. Boo, underemployment is apparently my entire future.

Young's fiancee Lisa came out to visit. That doesn't happen when he's on his mission still. Is he? The Lord may or may not approve of her sleeping on her couch? Also, Mormon missionaries are allowed more than just skinny black ties.

Douchey actor A-Cup has actually presented the revolutionary idea that porn actresses can be assaulted. "We're not rolling!"

Lisa's looking for movies at the video store. A dude says he's sorry she's from Utah, but she has found out about "Orgazmo!" Joe's not actually in "Death of a Salesman" and its sequel. Wah-WAH!

The "Japanese" porn stars don't look Japanese to me. Just sayin'.

I do like this patriotic scene with a portrait of Washington, an eagle statue, and lots of stars and stripes.

Is this stunt cock fucking between the Japanese "Assfuck Twins"' legs? That's my only explanation. The anti-sushi guys work for the porn guy, I guess.

Lisa has watched "Orgazmo." She said, "Fie on you, Satan!" A Mormon would never say that. She doesn't want his slut porn money, though. She goes back to Utah.

Some things are happening in this terrible plot that I don't care about.

"Goddammit, Ben! I'm not a hero. I'm a latter-day saint!" Been there, bro. Been there.

WHAT? The porn producers have kidnapped Lisa! It's time to call la policia. SRSLY. People in movies are stupid. Young wants his cupcake back! He put on his purple jumpsuit and will save her from being raped on film. Huzzah?

Exchange between the cupcake, Ron Jeremy, and some ass-slapping dude:
RJ: "Men are equally degraded in porngaphic films."
Lisa/cupcake: "But men are always in a position of power."
ASD: "But men are the ones who want the product so bad--they're the victims!"

The director has a beautiful track suit on right now. Reminds me of this.

Gogo old Buick hero car!

The raping is going to happen on film and be released if Young doesn't finish the film.

Blahblahblah fight scene with Ron Jeremy.

Apparently hamster-style kung fu is effective and making someone have an orgasm completely debilitates them.

"One more for Jesus!" The orgasm gun should create so much more mess with dudes. SRSLY, maybe it would have made this film into an NC-17 film if they accurately showed where all the semen went in this film.

Blahblah resolution. I like the super-fake model house on fire. Is Lisa still supposed to be Mormon? She wouldn't be wearing a tank top. SLUT!

"Superheroes that pray together stay together." That's true. I've found. In my super-heroism career.



*Yes, I still make mix CDs occasionally. I just made a spring mix. It contains Ke$ha AND Kanye West. Also, Michael McDonald.
**Fact: my parents got married here in the late '70s, and their wedding was probably even cheaper than mine and Isaac's, so GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, Trey Parker!

Odds 'n ends

Good news for all you hungry fans (hungry for my WORDS--if you need food, you should go get a snack, I can only provide intellectual sustenance): my part-time temporary office job may turn into a full-time temporary but for the whole summer office job. In which case, I imagine between commuting to Toledo, living off of Diet Coke and granola bars, and copying and pasting shit into spreadsheets all day, I may begin blogging more regularly, what with the being stuck a computer for eight hours in a row-ness. In other news, I graduate next week (finally). I suppose I'm going to do the whole walking thing; I think Isaac has a cap and gown I can borrow. If for some reason you would like to download the PDF full text of my thesis, "Raising a Monster Army: Energy Drinks, Masculinity, and Militarized Consumption," you can do so here. Totes related, via Emily, I saw this cool collection of soda packaging at Web Urbanist.

In light of an alternative energies documentary we watched recently on NOVA (slightly less depressing than the "American Experience" on My Lai the other night), I dug this photo collection from Chernobyl then and now at Sociological Images. There is a bar in Chernobyl where disaster tourists and occasional residents can get drunk on vodka AND lingering radiation poisoning!

A poignant (and I mean that sincerely) piece on girl-on-girl middle school bullying: The Lessons My Bullies Taught Me at No Points for Style (I read it first re-published at Jezebel). It just reminded me of how bitchy I was to one particularly friend of mine in the seventh grade. I thought she acted really young and got sick of having every class together and being compared to her all the time (we were both in advanced classes and went to church together and did all the same after school activities), so I basically did my best to ditch her and get our other friends to do the same. Eventually her mom called my mom and my mom gave me shit, igniting the ol' Mormon guilt, and I started to repair the friendship, which lasted a few more years, though we were never particularly close again. I never did know how to say I was sorry (and I genuinely was and am). I never really knew why I would do something like that when I had been ditched by girl friends before and spent a huge chunk of my time talking trash about all the mean "popular" girls who were doing the same thing I was. It's not an excuse, but in some ways I think thirteen year-olds are some of the least well-adjusted humans on earth. I thought I knew some shit, was smarter and more mature than the other kids my age, but it turns out I was just as big of an asshole as they were.

I address the Twilight thing

This is what happens when I drink energy drinks and try to make myself work on my thesis.

So, the Twilight stuff. It is written by a Mormon lady, so of course I knew about the books a long long time ago. See, the Mormons have this obsession with knowing who all the famous Mormons are, see? It is a great party trick sometimes. Like, "Hey, who doesn't love 'Midnight Train to Georgia'? Also, did you know Gladys Knight is a Mormon convert?" And people are like, "REALLY?" Here, I will now name some more notable Mormons because I'm supposed to be working on my thesis proposal and this is more fun: 1. Our pal GLENN BECK 2. Senate "Majority" Leader Harry Reid 3. Sci-fi icon and noteworthy gay-hater Orson Scott Card 4. The Osmonds, DUH 5. THIS GUY who you might recognize from his recent awesome appearance on the choir nerdgasm show "Glee," or from his childhood roles in "Jurassic Park" or as the duckboy who liked Stephanie on "Full House." His name is Whit and I met him when he was a counselor at a Mormon youth churchy conference thing in California in 2001. He was not my counselor, but was friends with our guy counselor and he did tons of hilarious and adorable performances at the various wholesome gatherings we had multiple times a day. Okay, but anyway, TWILIGHT. I read the first two books and they were really bad. I borrowed the third from my sister, but could never bring myself to read it. I mean I like a good trashy teen sci-fi novel as much as the next guy, but SRSLY. Vampires who sparkle? Native American werewolves? Hundreds of pages of lusting after somebody really kind of creepy and stalkerish and disturbingly pale by a girl who is completely devoid of personality? And then there's all the hype that is annoying and kind of scary what with the Twilight tattoos (so not Mormon!) and whatnot. But my interest was renewed recently when Isaac ordered the first movie from the Netflix and we watched it ironically with some friends. I was drinking, of course, and we were all horrified and amused by how abusive the "love story" is and also the complete lack of plot until, like, 2/3 of the way through the film. But so now we are excited about going to see the second one. In the theater! I never go to movies! I have never been to a film in a theater for pay here in Ohio because I am poor and cheap and most movies are terrible! But we are going to see "New Moon" tonight, and I will bring a flask, and I will laugh at inappropriate moments and we will hopefully ruin it for some lusty thirteen year-olds. Squee! Oh, but also, this is just a long, drawn out, procrastinatory excuse to post a link to my bloglady icon, Sady, who is charmed in spite of herself by Robert Pattinson's self-mockery and examines his possibly gender-defying objectification*: The Edward Cullen Underpants Conundrum (Tiger Beatdown). Hooray! She blogs again! *Mostly this just reminds me of my creepily serious junior high-era obsessions with Angel/David Boreanaz, John Stockton, Prince William, Mulder/David Duchovny. I REALLY wanted to kiss a boy. His particular personality was incidental.

Did you see all that lightning?

I was busy getting ready for a presentation yesterday and have failed to provide fodder for the ever-popular weekly history post. Here's a funny video instead:

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My Soul* Dies a Little Until I Remember that I'm Not Mormon Anymore

Back when I was a nice active Latter-Day Saint girl,** I learned about what was right and what was wrong. First of all, things that might bring you pleasure were usually wrong unless they involved baking cookies, and things that upheld the patriarchal order were right and usually involved baking cookies. Also, no caffeinated beverages (except that everyone fudges that rule and drinks Diet Coke or Dr. Pepper or Mt. Dew instead of coffee). I also had the pleasure of being interviewed on a semiannual (or more!) basis by members of the bishopric. These were uniformly white middle-aged men, whose children I was either friends with or babysat. During these interviews, my "worthiness" would be evaluated by my responses to various questions. These interviews occurred around each birthday, half-birthday, and before temple trips (which is a post in itself). Totally not awkward at all. Never made me dread my birthday, nosirreee. Sample interview questions: Do you keep the Sabbath day holy? Are you honest? Do you pay your tithing? Do you masturbate? You know, the basics. Every interview or lesson taught in our Young Women's classes about morality AKA sexual morality AKA DON'T EVER DO IT, IT IS THE WORST THING EVER UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED AND HAVING LOTS AND LOTS OF BABIES would leave me feeling guilty. And I was a goody two-shoes! I never even TRIED any of the fun stuff until I was, like, twenty. I hate unearned guilt. But looking back, maybe it was less guilt and more just a feeling that something wasn't right here. I was convinced for a few years as very young teenager that I was a sinner because I had, like, thought about what sex was and looked up words from my mom's Woman's Day articles in the dictionary. Can you say repression? Anyway, enough about me. Except for that I know what I am asking Thrift Store Champion for for Valentine's Day: Those kids are SO EXCITED about not masturbating anymore! Which means one of two things: 1. Team Jesus*** got to them, or: 2. YR DOIN IT WRONG. I've seen these shirts all over the tubez, and as Pam points out at Pandagon, this anti-masturbation campaign specifically targets young people of color. No vibrators on top of racial discrimination? Come on, people! Seriously? All I have to say is that having adults poking around in your personal sexual development, and not in the "have information and be safe and don't hurt other people" sort of way is CREEPY. I think it's a bad sign if your children's mentors make them feel guilty and anxious about sexuality. Not okay. Oh, and remember when I ranted about the Mormons and the gays (parts one and two) back in November with that whole Proposition 8 nonsense that actually passed? Turns out the church may have spent a little more money supporting it than they originally admitted: Mormon Church admits it spent 100 times more for Prop 8 than reported. Too bad any legal settlement will be totally subsidized by tithing. BTW, I want my 10% back, bitchez! (365 Gay) *Which is totes not going to the Celestial Kingdom, BTWs. **Haha, yeah right. I was never nice. ***Not the Sexy Gay Jesus, obvs. Lame-o killjoy Jesus. Although I bet the SG Jesus would dig one of these. I'll have to remember for his next birthday, it'll totally crack him up.

Mormons and the Gays Part 2: Jesus Needs Your Campaign Donation

Part 1 here. Anyway, GAY PEOPLE. The LDS Church + them = not so much. Covered that already. But so sometimes gay people stop having pedophile orgies long enough to get into serious relationships with one another. And for some reason, us just allowing them to exist isn't enough. They want "equal rights" and the "same privileges" as heterosexual couples. They want to get, like, married. But some Americans don't want them to get married. It's because they're uncomfortable with "dudes kissing," as Jon Stewart says. Apparently it'll destroy the fabric of society.* But even when blatantly homophobic "reasoning" and/or religious rhetoric is left out, same-sex marriage opponents' arguments really don't make any sense. See this ostensibly objective discussion of California's Proposition 8: I will now list the ways in which this is problematic: 1. First of all, the "just the facts" tone is betrayed by the opinions expressed. 2. San Francisco judges? Can you say "dog whistle"? 3. Notice how same-sex marriage is represented by man+man at all times. I can has lesbians plz? 4. I like how the narrator has a really innocuous-sounding voice. 5. "Restore traditional marriage to California"? As if gay marriage will replace all straight ones. 6. Logical leap between the idea of strong families being vital to society and gay marriage somehow putting that in danger. 7. Jan has freakishly short arms. 8. Minivan = MORMON!! 9. The gay one I think is Michael has AWESOME hair. 10. I love how to find the best information, they turn immediately to the internet and make a decision based on the first thing they find. 11. There are also no lesbians in Massachusetts. 12. Those activist judges making 2nd grade mandatory! 13. I like the scare tactic: Oh no! The Catholics don't like it, it must be bad! As if the state could require anyone to place a child in a "same-sex home." I'm sure they were required to consider gay couples, but that's not the same thing. 14. No one's church has ever been required to perform any marriage, heterosexual or homosexual. Churches are allowed to discriminate any way they want in this regard. 15. Tolerance is always introducing so many question marks into my life. 16. I like this complete myth of a family that's good friends with the gay couple next door who doesn't support their "lifestyle." Anyway, it's all bullshit. Obviously. And the LDS Church has asked its members to get involved. And money has been pouring into California from out-of-state Mormons to fund this discriminatory nonsense. But there are individual members and groups of members who have more progressive views on this issue, and the whole thing is causing divisions within the church (good write-up by the SLC Tribune, check it out). Some are taking action. They believe that the church should stay out of political/legal matters, and accuse members of spreading misinformation about the possible consequences of Proposition 8. Louis CK refutes the "What will they teach the children?!" argument. As if you shouldn't just be talking to them about what they learn at school anyway. Most brainwashing goes on at home, and it's not like gay people will cease to exist in real life if you don't tell kids about them. They're gonna find out anyway. And as the inimitably awesome Wanda Sykes says, "I don't understand why people all up in arms over shit that don't affect them." (Apologies about the sound being off, all of them were like that.) *And the Mormons are so not on board with destroying fabric, what with them liking to sew and do all that other crafty/domestic shit.

Mormons and the Gays Part 1: Why you gotta be hatahs?

Listen, Mormons: Have we or have we not been over this before? Hating on the gays is so not cool. I know you think homosexuality is, like, against god's plan or whatever, but I have a hard time believing that if god is who everybody says he is,* that anyone could be born in a way that violates his plans. (Anyone who claims homosexuality is a "choice" is stuck in pre-1990s-era homophobia--update your arguments, people!) Maybe god makes some people gay as their big "challenge" in life. Some people have to overcome physical or economic hardship, some people have to go on missions to Idaho, and some people have to deal with a basically sinful nature** and must be celibate and alone forever. And even if they do that, they totally don't get to the top tier of the Celestial Wedding Cake or whatever unless they get polygamized to somebody in the afterlife (and that's only if they are lesbian ladies; gay men are apparently screwed. Or something. I don't care to research it.). Despite the church being Ye Olde Institution of Heteronormativity (and Jesus (and Cookies)), gay members exist. Obvs. And unfortunately, they have been just as brainwashed as the rest of us were and often choose to try and fit in (at least for a time). If you don't know about the horrifying electroshock aversion therapy for gays at BYU in the '70s (and possibly up through the '90s), you need to look into it. That shit is fucked up. I realize that homosexuality was only then beginning to be considered anything besides deviance by the broader medical community, but seriously? Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming the people who were willing to undergo the "treatment." Indoctrination is a very, very strong force. And when you're Mormon, the church seeps into every single aspect of your life. This is on purpose. It makes you feel like if you leave it, you'll have nothing left of yourself. Fuck that shit. Highly recommended is the documentary Anyone and Everyone that interviews a bunch of families about what it was like to have a child come out. It prominently features a well-to-do Mormon family who took it in stride and though they're still members, are willing to call bullshit on the church's view of their son's sexuality. Anyway, Mormons, you don't do anybody any favors by continuing to toe the party line on this one. If enough people in the church start to protest, I'm sure some sort of "clarifying" revelation will be forthcoming. Just you wait. I'd like to think so, anyway. I myself gave up on the whole thing, but there are people who are still in your wards who are gay and are trying to hide it or change it or are resigned to a totally un-sexy, lonely life. I do not approve. Not so much love, Lauren & a bunch of totally Word of Wisdom-violating beverages COMING SOON: Part 2: In which I (once again) chastise the church for sticking its homobigoted nose into California's political business. *An old, conservative white man. OMFG John McCain is the Christian god! I'm quitting life. **Violating the 2nd Article of Faith much?

Random Friday Night Linkies

I found awesome seventies' lamps for my living room at the Goodwill tonight, and I am riding that high right now. Also, drinking Sparks. But I wanted to get in a little bloggity blog before we give in to the awesomeness of tonight's cinematic feature, Short Circuit 2. -Ces Marciuliano, of Sally Forth fame,* but also Teenage Girl President and the recently re-launched webcomic Medium Large makes funny 20s slang jokes.** -Jesus' General, America's manliest and most anti-masturbatory blogger blogs. Us ex-Mormons know what the important issues are. How I was reborn as a hand virgin. (Jesus' General) -This one's for the ladies: Intern Margaret talks about a new documentary that sheds light on why getting pelvic exams is so shitty. I'd heard before that medical students are sometimes trained on unconscious surgical patients and other such unethical medical rape-y type things, but apparently there's even worse shit than that. It is kind of crazy how broadly the experience can vary, depending on who's performing the exam. It's especially great when they make editorial comments on your ovaries and/or other ladyparts. At Your Cervix Takes a Look at Why Pelvic Exams Suck. (Jezebel) *Yes, I just said "Sally Forth fame." **Although it should be said that ALL jokes about 1920s slang are undoubtedly hilarious.

As if I needed another reason never to move to Utah

The bastards.

James "Doughface" Buchanan: Crappy President

Also: maybe gay.

Why do so many people look like Mr. Weatherbee to me?

So anyway, James Buchanan, Jr.: America's Pennsylvanian-born fifteenth President. He was born in a log cabin, the second of ten kids, graduated from Dickinson College (after being expelled and then reinstated. A forerunner of GWB?), and studied law. He was a Federalist who was opposed to the War of 1812, but when the British invaded Maryland, he was all, "Oh no you didn't" and joined up to defend Baltimore. Many residents and most of the people who have ever visited Baltimore kind of wish they hadn't bothered.

Annnnyway, James Buchanan started his career in the Pennsylvania House, then got elected to Congress, was the ambassador to Russia for awhile, and then became a Democrat and was elected to the Senate in 1834. He did that for a bit, turned down a Supreme Court nomination by Eternally Badass One-Termer James K. Polk, but served as his Secretary of State during that whole Mexican-American War thing. He also helped sew up the Oregon Treaty with England, helping determine the northern border of my home state of Washington. THX. He continued to live a busy public life, including serving as a Minister to the Court of St. James (ambassador to England, pretty much). LUCKILY FOR THE DEMOCRATS. Because meanwhile, back at the Ranch AKA the Capitol, there was a bit of a controversy going on over, like, Kansas and Nebraska(?) or something. But when the 1856 Presidential Election rolled around, James Buchanan was conveniently unsullied by the mess and was nominated by his party. Millard Fillmore pulled a Nader for the Republicans, and Buchanan won the White House.

For some reason, things just kept going poorly for old "Doughface" (supposedly this meant a Northerner with Southerner principles or something) during his term of office. There was this, like, "territorial" debate going on or something. The Wikipedia article mentions some things called "Dred Scott," "Bleeding Kansas," "The Panic of 1857," and the "Utah War," to name a few. Buchanan was a supporter of slaveowner's rights. Also, he wanted to intimidate the Mormons, but ended up failing because "winter" happened and kept the army from getting all the way to Utah. Also, this other thing called "secession" happened, so that distraction ended up working out pretty well for the Mormons. Anyway, the Democratic Party split in 1860, one wing of which nominated Buchanan's arch nemesis, Stephen Douglas. That must've burned. States started seceding, and Buchanan really didn't do much about it. In December of 1860, he sent a message to Congress in which he was like, "Guys, you're totally not allowed to secede from the Union. But then again, we're totally not allowed to try and stop you. So whatevs." And he left a mess for Abraham Lincoln (whoever that is) to clean up.

He was also a Freemason, had a niece of his serve in the capacity of First Lady (except for, we hope, that whole "sex with the President" thing), and wrote the first presidential memoir. He died in 1868, living long enough to see that his non-intervention maybe hadn't COMPLETELY destroyed the country permanently. Good job, James Buchanan.* For some reason historians seem to regard him as "bad" at being President.


*Why didn't Charles Lindbergh cite the "Buchanan Doctrine" of appeasement in the run-up to WWII? It totally would've added some cred.

Happy Pioneer Day!

Wagon train, bitchez!

"What is Pioneer Day?" you may ask.

"Why it's a state-sanctioned Mormon holiday! In Utah! And at Mormon stake centers across the country where small children will be required to decorate their bikes, dress up like pioneers (braids, bonnet, etc.), and walk around the neighborhood in a parade! Also, there's food," I might reply.

But I'm totally not kidding when I tell you this shit is bigger than the Fourth of July in Utah. It's a fucking state holiday celebrating the arrival of the first pioneers with uber-polygamist Brigham Young to the Salt Lake Valley. And they were like, "Hey, look! A big desert! No one will try to drive us out of here!" Also, "Jesus totally wants us to live here!" I've got Mormon pioneer ancestors on both sides of my family, so hearing the stories about coming across the plains, the fact that I had relatives both in The Martin-Willey Handcart Company and in the rescuing party, and the fact that I was in the thick of the youth program during the 1997 Sesquicentennial = OMG PIONEER OVERLOAD. Also, we were in Utah visiting family during the big brouhaha that summer and our parents forced us to take time out of making awesome "Real World" videos with our cousins to go pose in front of some covered wagons or something in Salt Lake.

Not that the pioneers weren't fucking awesome. I mean, I'm from the Northwest, the appreciation of pioneers, trappers, explorers, settlers, etc. has been beaten into my skull with the blunt edge of a... well a something that pioneers used! (BTW, sorry about the genocide and displacement, Native Americans!) I used to play "covered wagon" with my Barbies sometimes. But anyway, if you are lucky enough to be in Utah today and have the day off, go see the fancy Days of '47 parade. I myself have a fond memory of going as a child; the highlight was a sighting of Miss Utah. Also, this weekend there's totally going to be a MoTab/Osmond family concert. I bet you guys are kicking yourselves for not having KBYU on your digital cable right now, amiright?

Dear LDS Church: Just STOP

As you may know, I was raised Mormon. It was all very wholesome in a patriarchal kinda cult-y sorta way. Well, I jumped ship a number of years ago, and good god do I enjoy alcohol and sex. But anyway: one of the social issues that helped push me over the edge to apostatize was the whole "gay" thing. Younger members tend to be a bit better, and most people I was friends with were relatively moderate in their views,* but the Church is like, "Nice try, gay people. Maybe you're not going to hell JUST because of your sexuality, but you pretty much have to be celibate and alone forever and ever to avoid it." And it made me sick that the Church would involve itself in the political fight over gay marriage. Now, I don't know how this whole "tax-exempt" business works, and The Sexy Gay Jesus and I have heard the bishop read the official "the Church is politically neutral, but you all should totally go vote" letter they read every election season, so seriously, Mormons: WTF? You're doing it again, this time in California. Could you just not? You have no constitutional basis to deny marriage equality; and also, it makes you look like assholes. I mean, not Westboro Baptist Church-level assholes, but like you might hang out with those douchebags when it becomes politically expedient. Please stop the hating. Can't somebody have a revelation that homosexuality is totally cool and part of the celestial plan after all? Seriously. You have revelations about how many ear piercings the ladies should have, so why not? *Horrible anecdote: a girl I used to go to church with and otherwise quite liked once said that sure, maybe some people were born gay, but it was like being born with a birth defect. I almost cried.

Ralphie: You'll shoot your eye out, kid!

Why is a real small child being used for this demonstration?

So the Naderator is throwing his hat into the ring again. He must have, like, a lot of hats that he compulsively tosses whenever he sees a presidential election. Many Democrats are annoyed. But then some of them just create amusing extended Candyland-esque metaphors to make fun of his supporters. I do have a special place in my heart for everybody's favorite spoiler (sorry, Ron Paul, maybe someday). He gave the motherfucking commencement speech at BYU's alternate graduation last year (protesting Dick Cheney as the school's official commencement speaker) that I generously donated $10 to and also: seatbelts and shit. I watched some something about him on PBS once, and he had a really interesting upbringing. His parents were Lebanese immigrants (Thanks, Wikipedia!) and his family was always discussing politics and stuff around the dinner table. Also, apparently he's kind of an asshole to deal with. Principles before people and all that. Reminds me of the Pretentious Ex-Boyfriend a little. Anyway, TBogg's post cracked me up, and so I thought I'd link to it and ramble about Ralph Nader and call my posting duties fulfilled for the day.

Quote o' the Day

"Thank the Angel Moroni that there are still people in America who can still be dazzled by karaoke." -TBogg's incomparably vital Five Brothers blogging