Thursday, August 30, 2012

I live-blog Ann Romney's RNC speech from last night

I promised some friends that I would live-blog Sister Romney's speech to the Republican National Convention last night, but I went out with other friends (I'm really popular) and won trivia with my vast presidential knowledge instead. But thanks to intertubez technology, I can watch the video now that I am a both drinking and on some pretty strong allergy drugs and share my thoughts, ladyfeelings, and reactions with you, dear readers. I should make clear that I do not support Romney, not because he's a plutocratic douchebag who looks like nearly every smarmy (inevitably rich) stake president I ever encountered in my Mormon life, but because of his pro-dragon stance:

This is from primary season, but still the truth, people.

I should mention that I think both of the Romneys are kind of creepily young and attractive-looking for their actual ages (Mitt 65, Ann 63). I think they probably drink the blood of their many grandchildren.* Or maybe it's all those years of full tithe-paying and Word of Wisdom-following that have caused the Lord to bless them with youth and beauty.

Anyway, Lady Ann's talk is sure to inspire us all. I shall begin to watch it now:

You know I really shouldn't say this, but I make the BEST brownies.
She's going to talk to us from heart! We know it's sincere, because she touched her heart when she said it.

American family blahblahblah. She's going to talk to us about the joy and solace of love (but not for gays, obvs because EW). Apparently no one can love as much as mothers. Fuck you dudes and pathetic childless ladies! I'm glad her first example of struggling Americans were parents lying next to each other, worrying about money in a totally heterosexual way. I also just learned that working moms all want to work less because BABIES and there is no one who does not want any/more children.

Now she's grinning maniacally about being "all across this country." She's totally heard about struggling people (moms and dads), and expresses sympathy for them. She should probably send a casserole to them with some visiting teachers! Moms sigh more than dudes do because of ladyfeelings and how women "hold this country together." I won't dispute the fact that ladies work more than men, but I have a hard time taking that seriously from Dame Ann in her fake-humble Oscar de la Renta dress. Shit, I ran out of booze. REFILL TIME! (I just finished drink 3 for tonight, I believe.) Good thing I'm watching this online and can pause for more vodka or to write shit down. I WILL NOT MISS ONE HIGHLIGHT. I will do that for you, dear readers, since you were probably smart enough not to watch this speech yourself. And back to AnnRom:

She just listed various family relationships ladies can have and said, "You know it's true, don't you?" It is a fact that I am a daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, big and little sister, wife, but not mother, so I probably cannot fathom real love yet. Also "friendships" and "professional relationships" are apparently not relevant when defining women. OBVS. Sister Romney loves women (gay?), and the white ladies in the audience are into it. The Romney boys are ridic. Hey, ladies do all the parenting. Which makes them "the best of America." Unless you want an abortion or equal pay, of course.

Ann just mentioned the price of gas and groceries and also paying for school sports which used to be free. Because you know how awesome Republicans are at providing comprehensive public school funding! Also she met Mitt at a high school dance. Ew. Supposedly Mitt makes Ann laugh. Also, Ann's dad was a child laborer in Wales. And yea, Michigan? Ann and Mitt got married way too young and ate tuna in their basement apartment while living off of stock dividends. Classic college experience. Also, let's all applaud the Romneys' reproductive prowess. Also, Ann can relate to you because of breast cancer and MS! (Not that those aren't terrible things, but the Romneys can afford the best medical care available. Hey, did I mention I'm shopping for private insurance for my husband and me because neither of us has any full time jobs? HAHAHA America is awesome.)

Ann claims no one will work harder as president. Can she prove that claim? Stupid giant applause. "As the mom of five boys [just have to throw that in again], do we want to raise our children to be afraid of success?" AUDIENCE: "NO!" WTF? I hate everything. Mitt Romney was "not handed  success." No, but he was handed all the tools and opportunities and money necessary. Awkward not-so-successful "We built it" chant. Also, Mitt doesn't brag about helping people (which he does all the time, because he's awesome) and his businesses have totally helped everybody in America. Wow, Mitt gave a bunch of socialist money to smart kids in Massachusetts for college.

THIS. MAN. WILL. NOT. FAIL. At what? Getting people to make fun of his hair? Making it impossible to know what he really believes in? Keeping his off-shore accounts intact? Also, thank goodness Ann's reassured me that I can trust Mitt to help my children and grandchildren who do not exist because he did not crash his car or rape Ann Romney on the way home from that high school dance 45 years ago or whatever.

Well, I'm convinced. Thank god that was only 20 minutes long (extended for writing in other tabs and booze-refilling pauses).

*As the grandpa in the fantastic Romanian film Strigoi argues, "It's MY blood, I gave it to you!"

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