Terrible Fashion Decisions Caught on Reality TV

First, the first episode of The Bachelorette, Ashley was wearing this sparkly white-person-nude-colored mermaid dress. She is kind of orange, so the dress color is a little too close to her skin and not quite working for her. This is not to mention the fact that she's both muscular and petite, whereas I think mermaid dresses are more suited to ridiculously tall and lanky people (in my opinion). But the color by itself was not flattering:

"Don't worry, in a week or so I'm going to joke about how small your boobs are and how we all wish you were someone else. But then I'll feel bad when your feelings are hurt... so that's something."

I was watching The Haunted on Animal Planet, and saw Bernard here with his unfortunate facial hair. Goatee? Soul patch? Poorly distributed stubble? Make up your mind and either shave all over or not at all, friend.

No. Just no.

On a fabulous episode of It's Me or the Dog entitled "Bully" starred this fellow who was a 20 year-old bro with a scary dog. He was terrified of neutering his dog because he was invested in the animal's balls. Anyway, he was ridiculous:

He definitely has some Four Loko in the fridge.

I've watched a few episodes of My Cat From Hell, and they seem to largely feature neurotic young (white) couples fighting over their misbehaving pets. Por ejemplo: look at these fucking hipsters (nothing is wrong with what they're wearing per se, but they whole scene is just so... you know):

Glasses here has some more "artistic" frames he wears sometimes and enjoys spending time in his workshop with his hipster fucking table saw--just a "couple zips" and you have a new cat climbing shelf!

 Although I shouldn't really be surprised seeing how the show's host/resident cat behaviorist/musician/facial hair artist is this guy:

His name is Jackson Galaxy. This is not a joke.

On an episode about a haunted hotel on The Haunted, I spotted Laurie. Laurie probably went to the beauty shop and put on her best makeup before her talking head interviews and this is still what happened:

Animal Planet is still national television, friend.

I was watching So You Think You Can Dance last week and spotted Mary Murphy wearing a number of unfortunate outfits (not to mention the icky brassy shade of her massive amounts of hair right now), but seriously what is going on with that choker and that purple velour thing?

Friends don't let friend appear on television like this. Maybe these people need some new friends. Or they could call me for advice.

Terrible Fashion Recently Spotted on Reality TV

Friends, I have been quite remiss in my blogging recently what with "school" and "passing my classes so I can get my PhD eventually" and also being depressed about the "crushing blow of poverty" and all. But anyway, I'm done now and currently unemployed. I've signed back on with a clerical temp agency that got me work last summer, I have sent out many resumes, and may or may not be teaching online this summer, depending on whether like five more people sign up and keep my class from getting cancelled. This is all to say that perhaps I will blog more. Or perhaps not. Whatever.

Anyway, anybody who has talked to me in the past year knows I'm obsessed with paranormal investigation TV shows. My relationship with the real-life idea of an afterlife is conflicted (to say the least!) what with growing up Mormon and then becoming an apathetic agnostic/sometimes atheist*/general pessimist about there being anything comforting in the universe. By the by, my friend Will is correct that Outer Darkness would be an awesome topic for a metal concept album. Anyway though, I am open to the idea of residual energies and dimensions we don't understand and also the power of night vision cameras to make everything green and creepy. But I also love the drama of the investigation. Each show uses similar "scientific" tools, but have differing approaches to spirits and/or cryptids.** Since I spend so much time watching this shit, I figure I might as well write about it. This semester, I wrote three separate papers on paranormal investigation TV (one conference paper and two seminar papers):
"The Role of Modern Psychology in Assessing a Paranormal State"
"Scenarios of Discovery on Syfy's Destination Truth" (I am most proud of this one)
"Zak Bagans***: King of the Paranormal Frontier"

This is all by way of extensive introduction to my latest collection of unfortunate television fashion, because numerous examples come from these shows. I watch new episodes, but also have been utilizing Ye Olde Netflix Instant to rewatch numerous past seasons for TOTALLY PROFESSIONAL RESEARCH PURPOSES, I SWEAR. Although during my research I was pleased to see numerous other (presumably young) scholars also working on paranormal TV, like this person Drew at U of O writing all about gender and families and ghost hunting and other stuff that I am all into. Also, I came upon the thesis of this lady Melinda (who happens to be a BG alum) that is all about ghost hunting shows and I totally referenced that shit in my Zak Bagans paper so now you have been cited at least once, Melinda S. Jacobs, M.A.!

So people making bad fashion choices even though they knew they were going to be on TV:

Oh, volunteer caretaker lady of that old plantation place in the recent "Southern Discomfort" episode of Paranormal State, why why WHY with the animal print? There are no cheetahs or leopards or whatever animal that is supposed to be in the southeastern United States. You are not fooling anyone, lady.****

Though this is from NatGeo serious nerd show Egypt's Lost Rival and you are German and an academic, Herr Umlaut, there is no excuse EVER for Steven Pinker hair. Do you want people to think you are a smug douchebag? I didn't think so, because you find out about cool forgotten ancient middle eastern kingdoms where people used to go down into their loved ones' tombs and eat ceremonial meals and then got wiped out by Hittites or some shit.

Oh, substitute psychic lady Kim Russo***** on the "Haunted Attic" episode of Psychic Kids. Why are you orange? Why is your hair so tall? Can't a presence from the beyond tell you that enough is enough when it comes to volumizers? Chip Coffey would never show up with hair that big. Where's Chip?!

Now, having written a whole paper about (neo)colonialist discourses of anthropology, tourism, and scientific discovery on DT, I feel slightly guilty picking on a local informant. But SERIOUSLY. This guy, "Uncle," has not only chosen the creepiest relative (see 4:00-4:30ish) nickname ever, but is wearing the craziest outfit I may have ever seen. Billed as a local paranormal investigator/expert in the "Haunted Mosque" episode, Uncle combines animal print (never a good choice) with camouflage (also an unfortunate pattern). What were you thinking, Uncle?! That we would think you were a jungle cat or just part of the scenery? Because we don't, we can see that you are a ponytailed guy walking around with Josh Gates. Nice try.



*Besides the Sexy Gay Jesus, obvs. His divine fabulousness is too real to ever deny!
**Cryptids are unconfirmed (by science) species sought through the field of cryptozoology.
*** The hyper, muscly faux hawk guy from Ghost Adventures AKA "GhostBro" (Chesnut and Webb 2010). 
****It is possible I have been reading Get Out of There Cat too much.
*****Beware of cheesy instrumental music and glamour shot-type photos on her website! 

A Message from the Sexy Gay Jesus

Hello my blessed children: As you may know, I am the Imaginary Gay Best Friend/Deity of Choice of this blog's proprietor. I am usually far too busy being fabulous and recovering from celestial hangovers to pay attention to nonsense on the interwebs. However, a horrendous Fox News screen shot at Wonkette* requires my commentary. Observe: WTF that facial hair?! I fear I must disavow any connection between myself and that disgusting imposteur on the left. If he wants to claim the title of "Douchebag Jesus," that's fine, but he'd better use the entire title at all times. I wouldn't want anyone to confuse me with someone with such terrible sense of style as demonstrated by completely misguided personal grooming habits. Also, is it really necesary for both of you to be wearing crowns of "thorns"? The other douchey dude sitting next to Douchebag Jesus looks like an Ed Hardy-clad scarecrow, for my sake! Anyway, no. Fucking fake Jesuses fucking messing with my reputation. GodDAMMIT. Anyway, gotta go put something awesome on and get drunk. Oh, also, I endorse this video: Love & tequila shots, The Sexy Gay Jesus *Yes, I know html, I'm fucking Jesus, for god's sake

The KKK: Poorly Transliterated Greek and Also Racism

Pre-D.W. Griffith-approved standardized costumes.

Have you ever wondered about the Ku Klux Klan? What's with all the K's and the pointy sheets and the being assholes, you might ask. Well, I consulted the 'Pedia and also have read some history books and pretty much know everything there is to know about the KKK. Or at least enough to write a post about it. You may not be aware, but we are now currently on our THIRD Klan. If I were talking about just about anything else, I would insert a joke about how it's kind of like the Third Reich in that way. But that just seems kind of redundant, you know? Anyway, the first Klan was started by several Confederate veterans in Tennessee. They were like, "You know what I hate? Losing wars. Also, black people. And not getting to shoot people all the time, amirite?" And they were all like, "Yeah, totally." So they started a secret society, taking their name from the Greek κύκλος. Basically, they called themselves the "Circle Club," but by Greekin' it and alliteratin' it in a tacky move pre-dating KOA Kampgrounds' insistence upon using "k" as much as possible, they made it sound "cooler" and "secreter."

At the time (late 1865), there were plenty of violent shenanigans going on all around the South. Widespread lawlessness worked as a cover for the group, which pretty much ran around at nighttime burning down black people's houses, killing them, harassing Republicans, intimidating carpetbaggers and the like who were trying to do a little reconstructing. The group grew more popular, and though eventually Forrest Gump's namesake and experienced war criminal Nathan Bedford Forrest was elected Grand Wizard (SRSLY? Come on Circle Club, you can't really believe people will take you seriously.), the local branches of the KKK continued to function autonomously. Basically they were a kind of out-of-control paramilitary/terrorist group working for the Democratic Party. The rode around in the dark, attacking members of the Union Loyal Leagues, employees of the Freedman's Bureau, and basically drove blacks off any bit of land they had managed to get their hands on. Also, the Klan tried to convince black freedpeople that they were actually the ghosts of dead Confederate soldiers. "No, masked man burning down my house, you are just a bigoted asshole who is trying to kill me and my family," a freedman might have replied but probably didn't because his house was already being burnt down and whatnot and the Klan mobs were SCARY, obvs. The Klan blocked Republican voters, but our man U.S. Grant really didn't need Southern votes anyway. BEARDED WAR HERO DRUNK REPUBLICAN. Still loving Ulysses. Ahem.

 Anyway, all the crazy violence and lawlessness wasn't really helping the South get what it wanted AKA those carpetdouchebags to get out of town so they could reassert white supremacy without the gubment getting into their business. But Congress was like, "Um, no. Stop lynching black people." In 1871, a Ku Klux Klan ACT was passed in Congress, allowing for federal troops and courts to step in and prosecute violent hate groups like the Klan and enforce the rule of law (which the Southern governors really didn't plan on doing themselves, 'cause ew, black people, duh). But even before this law passed, in 1869, Superflashy Dragon Warlock Supreme Forrest officially disbanded the group, since he couldn't really control it and was basically just a convenient way for criminals to ride around with masks and use the KKK's reputation as a tool of intimidation and to avoid legal repercussions. Don't worry, though, lots of other groups took the Klan's place trying to block black men from voting and ultimately "redeemed" the South with Jim Crow laws and all that good stuff. With our pal Hayesie's election and the official end of Reconstruction (as well as some unfortunate Supreme Court rulings), basically the federal government was no longer in the business of really giving a shit about what happened to the former slaves.

The Circle Club at its most popular, 1925.

The year was 1915, a horribly offensive wildly popular film The Birth of a Nation based on a totally not-true account of the original postwar Klan totes made Woodrow Wilson happy and also inspired disgruntled folks to start up the Second Klan. Mostly everybody was like, "It's 1915, and immigration, urbanization, industrialization, the war in Europe, and the continuing presence of black people are making me nervous." Stone Mountain, Georgia was the new Klan's birthplace, but was actually most popular in the Midwest, especially Indiana, what with the Great Migration and there being absolutely nothing to do in Indiana except suck. This new Klan also hated Catholics, Jews, unions, Communism, and were pro-prohibition. BOO. The practice of burning crosses started with the second Klan, which probably came from the bastardization of some old Scottish tradition. This clan was hugely popular, including on its rolls up to 40% of the white male population in certain areas at its peak. The Klan controlled politics in many areas, and the 1924 Democratic National Convention was also called the "Klanbake Convention," which, you must admit, is both terrifying and kind of clever. Klan membership peaked in 1925 in the Midwest, and events like the conviction of Indiana's Invisible Empire chief DC Stephenson of rape and murder and general widespread corruption led to its loss in popularity. The second Klan lasted roughly until the end of WWII.

The modern KKK has branched out to different colors. Perhaps they are like karate belts that you earn. Or perhaps they are just SILLY.

The third Klan is not centrally controlled, nor is it nearly as popular as the second Klan was. Various disparate groups call themselves Knights of the KKK today. After anti-civil rights violence in the 1950s and '60s produced another large spike in popularity, it's now mostly made up of random groups of crazy white supremacists, has been associated with neo-Nazi groups, and is most well-known for supplying guests to trashy talk shows and also veteran U. S. Senators. Hooray!

Grim-ASS, bitchez!

The Grim.

I bought a sweater a long time ago. It has a Grimace icon. Grimace seems to no longer have his own 'Pedia page, tragically. I think it was a McDonald's manager sweater. Sometimes Grimace eats babies:

That's a pretty late-term abortion.

Pluggers Militantly Pro-Flannel, Anti-Political Correctness

Cats?! Who wear unpatterned cotton-poly blends?! There goes the neighborhood. At least this one isn't about drugs or crapping. I checked out the comments section under this panel at Gocomics, and my Irony Comprehenso-Meter was giving me high negative readings for a few submissions, including: "Hi!, Hello!, Howya doin! … Hey!, I think those shirts would fit me. Must be that middle-age thingy. XD" "I think I have both of those shirts." but especially "Pluggers know that all the claptrap about diversity is nonsense." A sincere use of "claptrap," especially in relation to something "liberal," "progressive," or "humane" earns an extra 35 points towards qualifying as a real-life Plugger. Congratulations, "FishStix"! An examination of your commenting records demonstrates an inclination toward unfunny one-panel comics. A true Plugger.

Pressing current events accompanied by my sarcastic commentary!

A lot has been happening in the news since I have been buried under a shroud of work and more work and stupid responsibilities which look an awful lot like work. But I check out the headlines on the HuffPo and am up on all the latest news. And I know all y'all are wondering what I, your lovely blogmistress, has to say about them. So, off to the races! 1. Tonight's top story: Were you aware that Michelle Obama wears CLOTHING and has ARMS?! (See: everything on HuffPo's page devoted to Michelle Obama.) Slightly amusing and/or embarrassing anecdote. Remember how I used to be Mormon? Ah yes, well, the Mormons don't let their ladies show their shoulders. So, growing up, I never had tank tops, except to wear under stuff. But when I ran away to live with my boyfriend one summer (when I was 20, so I don't know if "run away" is the right term, but whatevs, it was totes scandalous) and kinda decided I didn't really want to follow the Mormon rules anymore, I bought a couple of tank tops (two words? one?). And I'm not going to lie, the first time I wore a tank top out and about with friends, I felt a little bit weird about taking my sweater off. True story. But now I am a full-fledged shoulder and upper-arm ho. As evidenced by this blurry picture of me from last July 4th.* 2. The Twitter is sweeping the nation! In the comments recently, my friend Matty said Twitter was like blogging-lite for him. However, I have never changed my cell phone plan since I got it a year and a half ago and I still pay for each separate text message. I might be Amish. I also take issue with Matty's assertion that Twittering instead of blogging, "It isn't a replacement, but it's like masturbating to get you through the coital dry spells." Now, I sure do enjoy coitus, but I am a lady with those finicky ladyparts and resent your relegation of masturbation to less than main-event status. That is all. 3. The GOP is totally phat now, G. And Michele Bachmann continues to embarrass the state of Minnesota with her public displays of incompetence and faltering mental health. 4. Rush Limbaugh is still an asshole. No link necessary, that fact is in the public domain. 5. Apparently the economy is not doing well. Whatevs, I already got food stamps. (Still awesome, by the way. Thanks for the organic energy drinks, regular supplies of fresh produce, chocolate Silk, and the occasional block of non-cheddar cheese, State of Ohio! I know, decadent, right?) Though we should probably all be worried about the print media going under, because if it does, we'll be hard pressed to find materials for the roofs of our Hooverville shanties!** Anyway, The Jon Stewart tells us exactly where we should look for advice and information in this time of recessive capitalism:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor Joke of the Day

*So blonde! So thin! Ah, those were the days... **Good news: my recently laid-off father is now re-employed (assuming my commie pinko feminist blog posts don't cause his background check to get held up by Homeland Security), but one of my friends here got laid off and is now looking to start a hobo gang. Don't get me wrong, hoboes are great, but riding the rails is always more fun when you've got a day job you can go back to.

Chester A. Arthur: Possibly Secretly Canadian-Born President of Civil Service Reform

Young Chet sure was dreamy.

Chester A. Arthur was a man who not only possessed the ability to grow magically awesome hair on his face, but was able to rise above the spoils system that brought him to power and left his one term in office a beloved figure.* He was born in 1829 (or 1830) in Vermont (or maybe Quebec) to an Irish-born preacher and his Vermontian wife. He grew up in New York state and went to Union College where he partook in that great patriarchal tradition of college fraternity membership (Psi Upsilon). He got a master's degree in something and then spent some time as a school principal. But, of course, since he wanted to go into politics, he decided to study law. He passed the bar and began practicing in New York City. During the Civil War, he did some stuff like quartermastering in the army or something and he was promoted a few times before finishing his military stint in 1862. At some point Chet (as his friends and family called him) fell in with Roscoe Conkling, a finely-bearded man and Republican operative. Old Roscoe got him an in with President U.S. Grant, who appointed Arthur to the position of Collector of Customs for the Port of New York. Apparently there was a lot of money in this job, but the future prez was far less corrupt than most of his predecessors had been. After Rutherford B. Hayes came to office in the late 1870s, he threw Arthur out of the Customs House and replaced him with one of his own guys. Arthur went back to practicing law while his pal Roscoe worked on getting Grant nominated to run for a third term. Well, shenanigans at the 1880 RNC ensued and James "Dark Horse" Garfield was nominated instead. Garfield's people wanted a Stalwart (someone from the pro-spoils faction) for VP, and Arthur was enthusiastic about being their second choice. A close election eked Garfield and Arthur into the White House in 1881, though apparently they were not friends. Roscoe kept calling Chet and being like, "Hey, when can we get our pals new government jobs, yo?" And Garfield was like, "STFU, asshole." But then in July some guy shot Garfield and claimed he had done it in the name of patronage and to make Arthur President. Chet really kind of felt bad about this, since the guy was crazy and had nothing to do with him. So once Garfield finally died of complications from his wounds, Arthur defied the Stalwarts (and the rest of his party for that matter) by pushing through serious civil service reform. Also, he was a good dresser. But totally like President Bartlett, Arthur found out he had a fatal disease** and didn't tell anyone. He was pretty blase about running for reelection because of it, and he actually ended up dying of a cerberal hemorrhage in 1886. Other facts about Chester Alan Arthur: -Because of his fancy clothes, he was known as "the Gentleman's Boss" or "Elegant Arthur." -He was a widower who vowed never to remarry. -Supposedly he had, like, 80 pairs of pants and would change into different pants multiple times a day. I speculate that this had more to do with an incontinence problem than a penchant for fashion, though there does not seem to be any historical basis for such claims--I just like making them. -Before moving into the White House, he insisted on getting rid of all the old furniture and totally redecorating. I don't want to stereotype, but Chester A. Arthur may have been gay. -He was an avid fisherman who caught big fish sometimes. Fish are gross. Objectively. *Except for by his party, the Republicans. Also, Democrats. But non-politicians totally thought he was the cat's pajamas. **Some kidney thing.

Work: Do not want. Links: Will post instead.

I have kind of generally ignored Lily Allen except to know that she drinks a lot (a kindred spirit!), but I've kind of been hooked on this song since it came up on my Pandora* Metric station recently: Still behind on blog-readin' since my vacay, but here's some good 'uns I've seen: -Pandagon's fabulous proprietress produces regular columns and podcasts for the inimitable reproductive justice site, RH Reality Check. Her most recent column addresses the fact that pharmacists discriminating against women who are trying to obtain birth control get their BS arguments about "protecting our religious rights" listened to because nobody really cares that much when women get the short end of the stick. I mean, why should ladies get to have teh sex without getting teh babeez? Freedom's Just Another Word for Punishing Women. (Amanda Marcotte at RH Reality Check) -And speaking of teh babeez, once we force women to have them, we shouldn't ever let them out of the house or give them any help whatsoever in caring for them. Because, that's like, against America's Jesusiest values. Jesse at Pandagon highlights how radical anti-family man Barack Obama wants to help provide "early childhood education" and "after-school" programs that would allow mothers (and fathers, I guess, not that they have anything to do with it, and they're probably not around anyway because bitches be sluts who are constantly emasculating their men) more options and flexibility in their work schedules and might be "beneficial" to children or something. Whatevs. READ: The Childcare Boogeyman. (Jesse Taylor at Pandagon) -The amazing Babysitters' Club-loving Kim puts some words to an unspoken resentment of "cool" Stacey and her "New York" fashion. Claudia totally wins any style competition, duh. Choice quote:

I know when I open a Stacey-narrated book that Claudia will not receive the sycophantic attention she so rightly deserves.

I resent Stacey on Claudia's behalf.

This is not mentally healthy, I know.

If you were ever BSC-obsessed, and you have yet to check out the magic, do it NOW: #13: Goodbye, Stacey, Goodbye. (What Claudia Wore) -God I love William K. Wolfrum. He takes on assholes who write dating advice columns that consist of 97% stereotypes and 3% other bullshit. OMG:

"First of all, the most important thing is this - male online dating columnists share an extraordinary amount of traits with douchebags," said Dr. Sven Barrimore. "While this was assumed, we were truly unprepared by just what douchebags these guys really are."

New study shows that male Online Dating Columnists are "huge douchebags". (Wolfrum at Shakesville) *If you're into music at all and you spend any significant amount of time at a computer, Pandora is your best friend. I've found like 472 new artists through it that I really like whose CDs I've compulsively bought off of Amazon just recently.

Your morning dose of stupid

So, apparently to be a plugger you must:

a) Wear men's shoes.
b) Be aware of where your ancestors bought their clothing and attempt to patronize the same businesses. If they still exist. CHANGE IS FRIGHTENING. MUST KEEP TRADITION.
c) Have an incompetent mail carrier. You can't just leave that shit hanging on the mailbox like that! On the other hand, who's going to steal a pair of boots that may have once been worn by a dead man?
d) Suck beyond all belief.

I'd like to thank Jesus for dying so I could have tomorrow off

Well, my ANTM predictions about Claire turned out quite positively--she did win the challenge. I've now moved up into 28th place overall. I wish there were actually money and/or prizes riding on this fantasy league, but I think it's mostly just for people with too much time on their hands. But anyway, I've got Good Friday off manana, and I have no plans. Although my ridiculous wildlife calendar (Florida panther this month, with a manatee inset) is telling me that tomorrow is also Purim (is that Jewish?) AND a full moon. I just consulted Wikipedia, and found out that Purim is the Book of Esther one. I love how the Jews were always being delivered from annihilation by lamb's blood on doorways or by having a really hot Jewish chick marry the Persian king and then talk him out of killing everyone. That crazy Yahweh, what will he think of next?! How fortuitous for those of us who love commemorating Jesus' crucifixion and playing with our Purim graggers to be able to combine those in a crazy Good Friday Mass-crashing ra'ashan extravaganza! That's totally where I'd be tomorrow if it weren't for my pesky monthly "transformation."* Luckily, today is the Vernal Equinox, and I'm sure there's some sort of religio-pagan ceremony I can perform to make up for it.

In the meantime, some linkies for the long weekend:

I think I have a moral obligation to link to all blog posts written by Tinky-Winky. (This one's for you, Julia!) Commenter Strike! (Jesus' General)

Continuing my passive-aggressive battle to get my awesome vintage/novelty shirt(s) back from Whatshisname, I thought this was a well-written analysis of why t-shirts are so important and hold so much meaning. Choice quote: "The ideal shirt will have a funny logo, a year attached to it, and will be as thin as rice paper. In the event that two white people have shirts that meet this criteria, the superior ranking is given to the person who paid the least for the shirt." Tru dat, bitchez. $1.19 bin wins every time. #84 T-Shirts. (Stuff White People Like)

OMG Ludacris ho map. (That one's for Anne, my favorite 360-ho.) Via Terrible Mother.

Happy Holy Weekend, friends! I will be celebrating all weekend long/hopefully avoiding making any incredibly awkward scenes in the meantime.


*Something I have in common with both Teen Wolf and Jesus is a love of facial hair. Oh my god, maybe Teen Wolf IS JESUS. You guys, the Second Coming happened in a mediocre 1985 teen movie, and we didn't even notice!!