Paranormal Classics: Interview with the Vampire

I've never seen Interview with a Vampire, so obvs we're remedying this now. This is going to be the '90sest thing that ever happened to me.

I think this movie might take place in San Francisco. I also think The Room borrowed some of those outdoor establishing shots. The pedestrians here are very ill-behaved. Ponytail Brad Pitt stares out a hotel window. Christian Slater is there to record his life story. Tape recorder, take a drink! PonyPitt was going to suck his blood earlier. PonyPitt turns the light on super-fast somehow and he's creepy looking. He hasn't been human for 200 years. His nails are too long. Slater's got a great "writer" vest and glasses. Slater believes him that he's a vampire.

1791: Pitt was 24, a plantation master in Louisiana. His wife and baby were dead. He was all depressed and drank at their grave. He was living recklessly because of the Sadz. He wanted to die. He wears good red pants. Tom Cruise in a shitty blond wig watches him. As a prostitute is about to blow him in an alley and her pimp tries to rob him, Pitt passes out and Cruise bites his neck and they fly into the air while they do it. Pitt is LOVING IT. "Do you still want this?" Cruise asks. Pitt says, "Enough." Cruise drops him into the Mississippi River. He ends up all sickly in bed where Cruise comes to visit him. The vampire teeth make them all look like they're wearing braces. Cruise offers to "pluck out the pain." HOT. Pitt watches his last sunrise. At his family's grave, Cruise comes to bite him up. This movie is super-gay so far. Pitt agrees to get vampy, so Cruise bites his own arm and drips it into Pitt's mouth. Then Pitt gets excited and starts to suck his wrist.

I think he's going through the Change now (menopause). "Your body's dying, pay no attention," says Cruise as he creepily watches. Cruise's shiny vest is the best. Pitt wakes up with pale, veiny skin and creepy blue eyes. An angel statue looks at him. In the present again, Pitt is not bothered by Slater's cigarettes, obvs because he can't die from secondhand cancer or whatever. Pitt likes crucifixes, stakes through the heart are like whatevs, but vampires do have to sleep in coffins sometimes, I guess. On his next night as a vampire, Pitt is super-hungry. He and Cruise share a lady in a way that is not homoerotic at all. Apparently she's not bothered that they're sucking her blood because they are so seductive. No one else notices. "You'll get used to killing," Cruise says. Thandie Newton, as a slave/servant, shows up. Pitt wants to eat her. Cruise catches a rat and pours Pitt a glass of blood. Cruise tells him living on animals is necessary sometimes, like when on a ship. Pitt doesn't want to kill people or something.

The boys go to New Orleans. Cruise is Lestat, he prefers to start his evening meal with young girls. Then a young man. He likes to drink blue bloods, if you know what I mean. Apparently vampires can read thoughts. Oh wait, only Lestat. They've got their sights set on a corrupt rich old lady and her foppish servant boyfriend. Pitt doesn't want to kill the lady, so he kills her barking poodles. Lestat is pissed and snaps her neck. They fight for a minute. Pitt has eaten all the chickens on his plantation and I think at least one slave is dead. So the slaves are putting on some kind of voodoo ritual now, I think? Pitt is interested that Lestat and his sire were both from Paris. Lestat says he had no choice. The slaves know what they are. "Forgive me if I have a lingering respect for life," says Pitt, whose name is Louis, I guess. Thandie is worried about him. He goes out riding and doesn't come to the slave quarters to fuck her anymore, there's death, and everyone's afraid. So is he. She wants his friend to go away. He bites her wrist and she starts to scream. Lestat has stirred up the slaves and they come to the house with pitchforks and torches. Pitt comes out carrying her body and tells them this place is cursed, he's the devil, and now they're free. Then he sets his own house on fire. He should let them take stuff to sell. Though they're in Louisiana, they'll probably just get picked up by a slave trader since it's not like he's making verifying documents for them.

Coffee table? More like COFFIN TABLE, amirite? Source.

Louis sets his wife's portrait on fire. Lestat shows up and is pissed because of how much he likes wealth. The slaves cheer as the mansion burns. Louis wakes up in a crypt. Louis claims there is no hell, but Louis is like, "I'm in it, like, all the time." In New Orleans, Louis watches Lestat get with/eat ladies. Louis bites one woman's boob through her clothes somehow and she is not upset, just turned on until she notices the blood. He bites her wrist to pour a glass for his bro. Don't these guys have, like, crazy laundry bills with all the blood stains? Louis doesn't want it and is upset the girl is still alive. Lestat puts her in the coffin they use as a coffee table, which is, I imagine, rather upsetting. Lestat keeps trying to convince Louis he's a killer. Finally, Lestat finishes her off. He mutters about the Dark Gift as Louis goes out to find some tasty rats to live on. That's some post-curse Angel shit. Some dudes with a body cart tell him there's a plague in this neighborhood and to avoid it.

Baby (like 10 or 12 year-old) Kirsten Dunst is mourning her mother's death in a house. She hugs Louis and asks for help. Her mom's body is rotting and gross and Louis decides to bite her. Lestat comes in and starts to laugh. He dances with the lady's corpse and sings an awesome jaunty Italian tune. Louis runs away into a sewer and cries. Killing gives him peace, but he doesn't want to kill. Apparently vampires feel pain more acutely? "God kills indiscriminately, and so shall we," says Lestat. God is a dick. Lestat has brought the little girl to their rooms. She's not dead. She's UNdead. Oh, not yet. Lestat feeds her from his wrist and she is HUNGRY AS FUCK. I bet this role was super-fun for little Kirsten. Suddenly she's not sickly and dirty, her hair is super-curly and she is pale as fuck. She wants some more blood. Lestat rings for a maid and gives her to the girl. He tells her to stop before the heart stops because it tastes better that way. He is doting on her. He tells her her mom and the maid have both gone to heaven. Louis is sad. She's their daughter now. "GAY DADS." -Isaac. She hugs Louis and now he's sucked in because of his dead daughter.

I took 10 years of piano lessons, so I feel this. Source.

She was a little spoiled child and a ruthless killer all in one. She starts to suck the blood from a seamstress' finger after she pricked it with a needle. She is named Claudia. She used to sleep in a coffin with Louis, snuggling. Then she wanted her own. Later, she'd wake up and come snuggle him. Claudia didn't know how to play the Game and would just kill them immediately, but Lestat taught her. A piano teacher smacks her hands with a dowel. A doll maker says his product is too expensive for her but she kills him and takes it anyway. She kills the piano teacher, breaking the main rule: never in the house. Louis thought she was a little girl, but Lestat wanted her to be like him, someone who enjoys the kill. They were happy for awhile. How awful to be prepubescent forever.

Lestat does not like the taste of Yankees. Too much "democratic flavor." Claudia watches a naked lady sing and groom herself through an open door. Claudia wants to be her. She's horrified Louis used to eat rats. She draws the naked lady. It has been thirty years. She's OVER dolls, Lestat. It's her birthday. She says she's like his doll. True. So many dolls. The pile was covering the naked Creole lady's body. She has a fit and cuts her own hair off. "Can't I change, like everybody else!?" It grows back immediately. She wants to know who did it. She slashes Lestat's face, but the cuts heal immediately. She wants to know how he did it, but tells her she would've died otherwise. Isaac: "She's so out of here when she turns 18." Me: "Eighteen twenty years ago." Louis tells her she'll never get old, but that also means she'll never grow up. She hates Lestat for doing this to her. Louis feels guilty and takes her to where he first found and attacked her. "You both did it," she says. "I took your life, he gave you another one," Louis rationalizes. Now she hates both her dads.

Louis wanders around muddy streets blahblahblah. He comes home, filthy, smelling of blood. "Locked together in hatred," Claudia says. She can't hate him, though. He's her whole family now. She wants to leave Lestat, but Louis think he won't let them go. Later, Lestat claims he's found a better vampire protege than her. She calls him the father of lies. But then she wants to make peace. She's brought him a present. He wants it to be a lady with boobs UNLIKE HER. Burn! Also, rude. Claudia's gotten some twin boys drunk for him. She'll get rid of the bodies and she says they're now at peace. He drinks some blood and is drugged. She killed them with laudanum, which apparently keeps the blood warm. Lestat is incapacitated and she slits his throat. Is this how a vampire dies? His face looks gross. Claudia's very pleased with herself, but Louis is Not. They put him in the swamp, weighed down. He's gonna get eaten by gators! Louis feels bad since Lestat was his Maker.

Back in the present, Christian wonders why Louis missed Lestat. "We were like two orphans learning to live again," Louis says of himself and Claudia. They book passage to Europe and Claudia researches their People. Louis goes to answer the door. There's no one there, but then a zombie-looking Lestat attacks him. He manages to get to the piano upstairs. Lestat stayed alive on the blood of gators, snakes, and toads. "Claudia, you've been a very, very naughty little girl." He attacks. Louis throws a lamp at him and he sets fire. STOP DROP AND ROLL, BRO. Louis and Claudia run away. They barely catch their ship. A fire spreads all over the French Quarter and they continue to fear him. Louis feels guilty, obvs. No rats on board, so they have to feed on the fellow passengers and crew. They make it to the Mediterranean. They search all over Europe looking for other vampires, but with no luck.

Paris in 1870. They go out dancing. Amazing dresses for Claudia. Out walking one night, Louis encounters one of his own kind. Where? A dark alley/street, obvs. Such great top hats and capes to go with their tuxes. Gold waistcoats, YES. This other vampire starts dancing up an arch. He is silly. Sexy Antonio Banderas scolds him for playing. Armand (Banderas) gives Louis a card for Theatre des Vampires, whatever that means. He and Claudia go to see the show. The playful one is dressed as the Grim Reaper. "Vampires who pretend to be humans playing vampires." "How avant garde," Claudia says. A woman is brought to the stage. She's scared and tries to run, but dudes in sparkly black robes stop her. He takes her top off. He asks her if he should take someone else from the audience. A lady volunteers, but he just laughs it off. Armand shows up. Extra pale stage makeup on. She hugs him. What a weird show! BOOBS. "No pain," he whispers to her. He takes her skirt off and she faints as he feeds on her. "Monsters," says Louis. Armand looks as him as he feeds. This lady is super-skinny. The crowd of vampires feed on her as the curtain closes. The audience is awkwardly subdued as they file out. Like, I wonder what the reviews of this show are like.

Armand shows our friends backstage and down into some catacombs. It's pretty fancy. Armand has a living boy with bite marks. "Try him," Armand says. Louis does. Fucked up. Louis wants to know the source of "all this evil." Armand gives him shit for sympathizing with the woman onstage. "I know nothing of god or the devil," says Armand. He's 400 and says he's the oldest living vampire. He tells Louis to stop feeling some much. Playful vampire reads his mind that Louis' betrayed Lestat. Claudia is pissed. Armand wants Louis. Claudia doesn't want to let him go. TBH, it'd be pretty hard for a somebody who looks 11 to get around by herself.

OKAY?!?

Another night, another show where the playful dude plays Death. Louis goes to see Armand. He tells him Claudia is his daughter and she loves him. Apparently it's against the rules to make such a young vampire because they're helpless. Armand wants to know if he killed the one who made her. Louis won't send her away, even though she's in danger. Armand says very few vampires have the stamina for immortality. Armand wants him to be the spirit of this Age or something. Vampires are like theater because they are decadent and useless. Armand loves his tears. He calls him a vampire with a human soul. Okay, good job ripping this off, Joss Whedon. Armand knows Lestat and doesn't care if he's dead. Louis wants to be mentored by Armand SO HARD.

Lovely jewel tones here.

Louis gets home and there's a lady there with Claudia. She wants to be drunk. Claudia wants her own companion since he has Armand now. "Do it before you leave me!" The lady wants her own child who can't die, unlike her loser human daughter. She's got bite marks, but needs someone who can drink more, to the point of death. Louis does it. Louis says some shit about how they're even now. He says his last "human" breath is gone. The other vampires have come to get them. "It's time for justice, little one!" a Frenchpire yells. They're going to kill Claudia and trap Louis somewhere. Armand ignores his cries from his chambers. They lock Louis in a coffin, which they drag down some stairs. They lock Claudia and her new friend in some creepy chamber with no roof. The sunlight will eventually kill them. Can't they walk up the walls or something? The daylight will get to them at , like, noon. Louis screams for Claudia as they blister and smoke in the sun. Armand breaks Louis' coffin out of the wall. Armand claims he couldn't help Claudia. Louis finds the two women, petrified like some Pompeii victims, but with hair. He touches them and they crumble into a pile of ash that blows in his face, Big Lebowski-style. He is gonna be so pissed and not want to hang out with Armand.

The playful one, who I think is Christoph Waltz just smiles. Back in the present, Louis cries briefly before quickly going on with his story. He covers the theater in some red liquid. Gas? Booze? Something flammable, I'm sure. He throws it over all their coffins downstairs. He doesn't give a fuck if he's the only vampire left, they are dicks. He chops them with the very-sharp stage scythe as they try to escape. Flames, screams. Louis runs toward Waltz. He chops him up good and throws the scythe on him as the theater burns. Outside, the sun almost gets him through some clouds until Armand pulls up in a curtained carriage, driven by the boy he likes to taste. Armand was their leader, but he was, like, Over It. He says vampires should be "Powerful. Beautiful. And without regret." Louis is skeptical. Armand is touching Louis' face with his lips as he talks. So, so gay. Louis knows he let Claudia get killed so he's like, "No thanks, I will not be your vampire bro. Bropire."

Louis wandered for years blahblahblah. He went back to America and saw sunrises again on film. 1988 he went back to New Orleans. He smells death and tracks it down to a fancy mausoleum where he finds Lestat snuggled in a little blanket in the dark, Pakistan compound era Osama bin Laden-style. Lestat was like, back in the day "no one could refuse me" EWWWWWWW. A low-flying helicopter's lights scare Lestat. Lestat wants to get the band back together, but Louis' like, "No thanx." He leaves him all disfigured in that chair like a disappointed Mr. Rochester.

Back to the present, Slater is still taking notes. He's disappointed Louis is just "empty." Slater wants to be like him, to be his companion. "Do you like being food for the immortals?" he says as he holds him by his throat to the ceiling. Then Louis disappears. Slater grabs his "writer" props and runs to his stupid orange convertible and drives off, almost hitting a Ford Taurus (TAKE A DRINK). He drives across the Golden Gate Bridge and pops his new tape into his car's tape player. THE '90S! "This is good stuff," he mutters to himself, but Lestat is in his backseat and is going to eat him now. Is the car supposed to be moving still? Lestat feels better and rants about Louis' whining. He takes over the car and he's going to give Slater "the choice." What Isaac has told me is a shitty Rolling Stones cover, "Sympathy with the Devil" is on the radio. I am very satisfied with this ending.

On Marriage Equality

Years ago, one of the last times I agreed to go to church with my parents and actually stayed past the main Sacrament Meeting, I ended up in a Relief Society (ladies') meeting praising marriage and traditional gender roles and blahblahblah. The lesson and discussion flirted with the topic of gay marriage, and I told myself that if that’s where the conversation actually ended up going, I would get up and leave. I suppose luckily, it didn't. Later that day, my mom and sister and I were talking about the lesson. My mom asked if I was in favor of gay marriage and I said, “Of course.” I was greatly heartened that my sister, a student at BYU and faithful church member at the time, said that there was really no constitutional basis for denying marriage equality.

A few years after that, a gay woman married me to my husband. I don’t know if she wants to get married, but if she did want to, she couldn’t do it in the state she lives, the state she is legally allowed to marry heterosexual couples in, or the state my husband and I currently live in. This is clearly bullshit. Isaac and I made a commitment to one another, legally bound by the authority of our dear friend, who should with no reservations have the same right (/rite). Here in its entirety, recently dug up from the camera of another friend, is our amazing, perfect, so us wedding ceremony:


It could've been gayer, but at least we played Lady Gaga at both the reception and the drunken afterparty, right? BTWs, this message is approved by both me and the Sexy Gay Jesus because LOVE.


UPDATE: I be-YouTubed the video so everybody could love it and share it.

I want this to be so

I've been busy being not in school and being unemployed but now temping and anyway whatever. Now that America has been destroyed because of our metrosexual black Abe Lincoln president, The Sexy Gay Jesus was like, "I've got to take a vacation." This happened:

Note 11/6/15: Three and a half years after posting this political cartoon by Mr. Fish, I was informed by Google AdSense that this post violates their policy against "hate/anti" speech. Which: WTF? This is, like, a comedy blog. I'm assuming it's the comic. I don't know if someone complained or if it was a really slow bot, but whatever. This is pretty par for the course on my entire blog, so if I get another notification, I may have to get rid of that ad spot over there on the right side that I have not earned any money from. (Google won't send you a check until you earn at least $100.)

BTWs, the best Freddie Mercury 'stache on television is like, "Hello, we're Persian!"

The Sexy Gay Jesus Says What Dear Abby Won't

My queer little followers,

I, the Sexy Gay Jesus, have once again been reading Dear Abby. While the Abbster's advice is largely inoffensive, there are things she will not say that the poor letter-writers really need to hear. I will now share some of my favorite recent submissions and answer them myself, but with more swearing and maybe a little bit of casual blasphemy:

Question 1-

DEAR ABBY: When my sister's husband comes to our house for a family dinner or other event, he immediately asks where he can take a nap. He then goes upstairs and sleeps for a couple of hours. This has been going on for more than five years and is not related to any medical condition. Should I mention this to my sister? I think he is being rude. -- "SLEEPY'S" B.-I.-L.

Dear In-Law of the Seven Dwarves,
Just be grateful you're not forced into awkward small talk with this guy. Maybe he has a social anxiety disorder, maybe he's just rude. By all means, have a couple of glasses of wine and ask your sister WTF already, but I'm just saying that there's a chance he's boring or homophobic or is a closetalker or something, and at least you're being spared having to spend time with him!

Question 2-

DEAR ABBY: I am a caring, loving husband. I enjoy my time with my wife. I think about our future a lot and want our marriage to last for as long as possible.

I make exercise a priority in my life, but I can't get her to understand that she should, too. I love her for who she is, but I want her to be in great health.

I am a very straightforward person and have told her in ways she didn't respond well to. She becomes defensive. How do you tell a woman she should exercise without offending her? -- FIT IN AKRON, OHIO

Dear "Fit":
You are Chris Traeger. Chill out:



P.S. If you think a woman who lives in America doesn't already know she "should" exercise, than you are an oblivious douchebag.

Question 3-

DEAR ABBY: When I married my husband 30 years ago, I was the only girl he could get. He was a great catch by my standards -- and still is. But back then nobody else wanted him but me, which was fine with me. I don't like competition.

We have had a great life together up until the last 10 years or so. Mason is aging gracefully, and there's something about him now that every woman is suddenly interested in. They all treat him like he's a new toy. They fawn over him and I become invisible.

We don't get out much, and I used to think I wanted to go out more -- but now I just want to stay home and hide my husband inside. The real problem is, Mason loves the attention. It could be what he always wanted. I don't know how to handle this without getting my feelings hurt, pouting and being incredibly jealous. He gives me no reason to think he'll be unfaithful, but I can't help but worry. Help! -- WIFE OF A LATE BLOOMER

Dear WOALB,
What is your problem? You only liked your husband because you thought he was too much of a loser to leave you? And now that he is doing well and people are responding to his confidence, you are jealous? Can't you just be smug that your husband is so awesome? SRSLY, just because you have low self-esteem doesn't mean he has to, too. Get some therapy, lady. Also, you mind shooting me your husband's cell number? I can't resist a Silver Fox, and I like it when people stare!

Question 4-

DEAR ABBY: I have recently found out that I'm pregnant. My problem is my husband doesn't believe the baby is his. He says he and his ex tried for 13 years to have a baby and couldn't.

I don't know what to say to him. I can't explain his past with that other woman. My doctor has ordered rest and no stress, but this is taking a toll on me. When the subject comes up, I just walk away and my husband explodes. What do I do? -- EXPECTING IN GUAM

Dear Expecting,
Your husband is an asshole. He does not understand how reproduction works. You can't just avoid the topic since, you know, that baby is going to show up eventually, and it's going to be awkward if you're still married to Mr. Denial. If he refuses to speak to a doctor/believe you/take paternal responsibility while you're still pregnant, you should probably not EXPECT much from him as your child grows up (ha! Get it?). But SRSLY, keep the kid if that's what you want, but get rid of your husband unless he cleans up his act real fast.

The Sexy Gay Jesus Blesses Your Protest

The Most Hilariously Effective Signs Supporting Gay Marriage:

I mean SRSLY. Think about it.

Gaga and Jesus continued!

Sexy Gay Jesus here. I did some cursory googling and found some more connections between myself and Our Lady of the Meat Dress. There's been some sweet fan art. See below:

"God Makes No Mistakes" by Thomas Clark sets up a slightly more intimate relationship between us than really exists, but I can get into it. My biceps look pretty sweet there, but I don't really like to dwell on that whole "crucifixion" thing.

 

Scott McGoldrick gives Gaga my blessing. I'll bless that blessing.

Blogger Kagehime has either created or found a few great pictures like the "Gagalupe" one above. That would totes go on a candle! I also enjoy the celebrity last supper one floating around:

She's also straight-up emulated pictures of me, as seen here:

That's an impressive halo. I wish people would portray me in tiny thongs more often. I suppose at least I get a lot of topless/muscle pics, though.

I finally got around to watching the "Judas" video where apparently Gaga has a love triangle with two bikers that are me and Judas.

I definitely support engaging in biblical themes for trashy pop music purposes. (Is it weird that I would totally do it with this sexy black Jesus?) But let's get serious, neither Judas nor I is really into the ladies. That whole "betrayal" thing was over him wanting to get exclusive with me, and I was like, "Why would I give up these eleven other dudes for someone as demanding as you, bitch?" Apparently neither of us handled it well, but anyway. Gaga is pulling a classic "shock people with blasphemy" gambit, but I generally support the comparisons between us. I mean, she's really popular right now, you guys.

Heart NPH

The Sexy Gay Jesus and I don't care about awards shows, but we do both endorse the things happening here:



WTF, Brooke Shields? Maybe all those eye color-altering drugs you've been putting on your eyelashes have made them too thick to see the cue cards.

The Sexy Gay Jesus Endorses the Hunky Jesus Contest (obviously)

Via PZ Myers, I found out about the annual Hunky Jesus contest put on by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence in San Francisco (of course). The Sexy Gay Jesus says he's going to sneak in next year, but I don't know if he can compete with this year's winner, Jesus Fucking Christ:



Love it!

Chip Coffey: The Psychic Tim Gunn

Note: I delayed posting this for, like, at least a month because I was thinking about making a highlight video of Chip being fabulous and brave, but I don't really have the technology (poor/cheap) and mostly am too lazy. So, sans specially-made video, here 'tis anyway: 

Coffey and Gunn: America's newest demon/fashion faux pas-fighting team!
DO NOT FUCK WITH THEIR SHIT.

So, I may have mentioned before that we got cable this fall, and it is the BEST THING EVER. I especially love reality shows. I mean, I've always indulged in trashy dating shows and such, but I love almost anything on A&E, tons of TLC shows, etc. I've especially gotten into ghost shows! Almost anything with fucking night vision cameras is my best friend. Whether it's ridiculously muscled but oddly endearing GhostBro and his pals, the earnest cargo-shorted scientific investigations of the domestically-based Ghost Hunters, or the kind of touchy-feely but adorably sincere crew from Pennsylvania on Paranormal State, I love that shit. It's creepy and fun and sometimes heartwarming. The tugging of the heartstrings usually comes from Paranormal State, where I was first exposed to the amazing consulting psychic Chip Coffey. Chip is no-nonsense, badass, and wears fabulous scarves!

I liked Chip on Paranormal State, but he is perhaps even more amazing as a mentor for psychic children on another A&E show, Psychic Kids. Chip meets with kids who see ghosts and teaches them to harness and control their abilities. He also has a hippie therapist who talks to their parents and teaches them not to tell their kids that they're possessed by the devil if they see spirits. Also, Chip is like, always right and adorable. Look at him being awesome:



I want Chip to be my best friend AND mentor, much like Project Runway's motivational-without-being-sappy fashion design guru Tim Gunn. Tim is a little more buttoned up, but their mannerisms, as well as their approaches to mentoring are strikingly similar. Compare Chip to the subdued (but sassy) and completely practical advice of T. Gunn to aspiring designers:



No FUCKING NONSENSE. I think they should team up and do a ghost-hunting/makeover show on E! or some shit. Amirite or amiritie?

A really gay post

So, that fount of all important human knowledge (besides Wikipedia, DUH), the Huffington Post, has informed me of a recent interview in that outlet for hard-hitting progressive journalism, Parade, in which Elton John talks about the Sexy Gay Jesus. I mean, mostly it's like, "Blah blah blah personal relationships" but he also totes outs Jesus! Not that WE needed him to do it. Disappointing lack of focus on the sexier aspects of the Sexy Gay Jesus, but still, PREACH IT, ELTON! I mean, Our Fabulous Lord can't be everybody's Imaginary Gay Best Friend, but he can and should definitely be more people's Deity of Choice. Speaking of GAY, in an early installment of my sister's blog series on her 100 favorite songs, she posted the official video for Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now." I have been playing it nonstop, annoying my neighbors with my attempts to memorize the lyrics for future karaoke stardom, and dancing around my apartment. I mentioned when I posted the video on Facebook that Freddie Mercury is dressed like Grease's Danny Zuko here, and it's really doing it for me. Never found him sexy before, but now I can't stop looking at him. Must be the pants--their tightness appeals to my inner laziness, as they do not require me to use really any imagination. Anyway, I consulted the 'Pedia and found out that not only was he Indian (apparently his light skin made me assume he was just another skinny white Brit with bad teeth and tight pants from the '70s),but he was born in ZANZIBAR and his family is Zoroastrian. Sadly, he died of AIDS in 1991, and it kind of sucks when you just start caring about someone who died a long time ago, and then get sad about it because you didn't even know enough to care at the time. It is true, eight year-old me was probably mostly unaware of Freddie Mercury's awesomeness, and I am embarrassed that I just now started to care. Anyhow, that is the stuff I have to say, now dance about your house to this:

Shockingly, Adam Lambert is not a feminist icon

He and Kate with all the babies have the same hairdresser: y/y?

The interwebz tell me that some pretty shiny guy from American Idol or whatever said some shit to a magazine:

To some people, me being sexual is really offensive because I’m gay. They’re like, ‘He’s being really gay.’ And I’m like, actually, ‘No, I’m just being sexual.’ Male sexuality is frightening to America [but] female sexuality is all over the place.

FALSE. There are multiple things going on here. Let me attempt to list them in a short, numeric manner: 1. "Female sexuality" is not everywhere. "Dudes's idea of what they want female sexiness to be so they can consume it is everywhere." Using pictures of naked ladies to sell everything from underwear to toothpaste to children's Tylenol is NOT a stand-in for actual female desires. MMMkay? 2. What's "frightening" is female sexuality in general because it upends traditional narratives of female passivity/essential asexuality (except for WHORES). So don't be trying to pretend you don't benefit from male privilege by being allowed to express an assertive sexuality at all. 3. What people fear from YOU, Adam Lambert, is the desiring of the male body. It undermines our ideals about masculinity, dominance, and heteronormativity as propped up by this dominance. Boys FUCK, they are not to BE FUCKED. Duh. 4. Also, you like sparkly shit and that messes with people's gender stereotypes. Which, ya know, is not the same thing as SEXUALITY, though it may or may not be closely tied to it, not that anyone besides me and a few select others really gives a shit about such definitions and/or debates. WHY DOES NOT EVERYONE HAVE TO TAKE A REQUIRED COURSE IN HIGH SCHOOL ON FEMINIST AND QUEER THEORY THAT TEACHES PEOPLE HEALTHY SEXUALITY AND BREAKS DOWN GENDER BINARIES AND GOOD GOD I WILL HAVE TO HOME-SCHOOL MY POOR CHILDREN WHO WILL ALREADY BE ALL SKINNY AND TOO SMART FOR THEIR OWN GOOD AND AWKWARD AND NEUROTIC BUT HOPEFULLY AT LEAST BEARDED LIKE MY MAN. So apologeez, future babies: but I have found counseling to be very helpful at certain critical junctures of my life. So what I am saying is that while I agree that there are some serious issues of homophobia in the world and in the media and whatnot, I think Adam Lambert is pretty uninformed about what constitutes representations of "sexuality" and/or sexual objectification in the public eye. That is all. Stupid Adam Lambert: GO TO COLLEGE (and take a gender studies class). Via Just Jared (linked above) and Jezebel, of course. P.S.: WANDA SYKES CAN DO NO WRONG. Although I am skeptical of her male sidekick on her new show, which I-Man and I watched on Saturday night because we love her. However, it was only episode 2, and I hope Fox gives her enough time to settle into a consistent (and no doubt AWESOME) tone.

A Message from the Sexy Gay Jesus

Hello my blessed children: As you may know, I am the Imaginary Gay Best Friend/Deity of Choice of this blog's proprietor. I am usually far too busy being fabulous and recovering from celestial hangovers to pay attention to nonsense on the interwebs. However, a horrendous Fox News screen shot at Wonkette* requires my commentary. Observe: WTF that facial hair?! I fear I must disavow any connection between myself and that disgusting imposteur on the left. If he wants to claim the title of "Douchebag Jesus," that's fine, but he'd better use the entire title at all times. I wouldn't want anyone to confuse me with someone with such terrible sense of style as demonstrated by completely misguided personal grooming habits. Also, is it really necesary for both of you to be wearing crowns of "thorns"? The other douchey dude sitting next to Douchebag Jesus looks like an Ed Hardy-clad scarecrow, for my sake! Anyway, no. Fucking fake Jesuses fucking messing with my reputation. GodDAMMIT. Anyway, gotta go put something awesome on and get drunk. Oh, also, I endorse this video: Love & tequila shots, The Sexy Gay Jesus *Yes, I know html, I'm fucking Jesus, for god's sake

Did you see all that lightning?

I was busy getting ready for a presentation yesterday and have failed to provide fodder for the ever-popular weekly history post. Here's a funny video instead:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

My Soul* Dies a Little Until I Remember that I'm Not Mormon Anymore

Back when I was a nice active Latter-Day Saint girl,** I learned about what was right and what was wrong. First of all, things that might bring you pleasure were usually wrong unless they involved baking cookies, and things that upheld the patriarchal order were right and usually involved baking cookies. Also, no caffeinated beverages (except that everyone fudges that rule and drinks Diet Coke or Dr. Pepper or Mt. Dew instead of coffee). I also had the pleasure of being interviewed on a semiannual (or more!) basis by members of the bishopric. These were uniformly white middle-aged men, whose children I was either friends with or babysat. During these interviews, my "worthiness" would be evaluated by my responses to various questions. These interviews occurred around each birthday, half-birthday, and before temple trips (which is a post in itself). Totally not awkward at all. Never made me dread my birthday, nosirreee. Sample interview questions: Do you keep the Sabbath day holy? Are you honest? Do you pay your tithing? Do you masturbate? You know, the basics. Every interview or lesson taught in our Young Women's classes about morality AKA sexual morality AKA DON'T EVER DO IT, IT IS THE WORST THING EVER UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED AND HAVING LOTS AND LOTS OF BABIES would leave me feeling guilty. And I was a goody two-shoes! I never even TRIED any of the fun stuff until I was, like, twenty. I hate unearned guilt. But looking back, maybe it was less guilt and more just a feeling that something wasn't right here. I was convinced for a few years as very young teenager that I was a sinner because I had, like, thought about what sex was and looked up words from my mom's Woman's Day articles in the dictionary. Can you say repression? Anyway, enough about me. Except for that I know what I am asking Thrift Store Champion for for Valentine's Day: Those kids are SO EXCITED about not masturbating anymore! Which means one of two things: 1. Team Jesus*** got to them, or: 2. YR DOIN IT WRONG. I've seen these shirts all over the tubez, and as Pam points out at Pandagon, this anti-masturbation campaign specifically targets young people of color. No vibrators on top of racial discrimination? Come on, people! Seriously? All I have to say is that having adults poking around in your personal sexual development, and not in the "have information and be safe and don't hurt other people" sort of way is CREEPY. I think it's a bad sign if your children's mentors make them feel guilty and anxious about sexuality. Not okay. Oh, and remember when I ranted about the Mormons and the gays (parts one and two) back in November with that whole Proposition 8 nonsense that actually passed? Turns out the church may have spent a little more money supporting it than they originally admitted: Mormon Church admits it spent 100 times more for Prop 8 than reported. Too bad any legal settlement will be totally subsidized by tithing. BTW, I want my 10% back, bitchez! (365 Gay) *Which is totes not going to the Celestial Kingdom, BTWs. **Haha, yeah right. I was never nice. ***Not the Sexy Gay Jesus, obvs. Lame-o killjoy Jesus. Although I bet the SG Jesus would dig one of these. I'll have to remember for his next birthday, it'll totally crack him up.

Things That Are Good

Via Shakesville, the Radical Gay Agenda finally reveals its sinister recruiting methods: Also, I can has juxtoposition? (Feministe) Also, BEST. CARTOON. EVAH. I can't wait until I'm nine months pregnant and sneaky Barry Hussein shoves me into one of those profit-raising machines known as women's "health" clinics. BTW- fetuses can't be waterboarded. They live in a womb. WTF?

I continue to do a great job writing final papers

La dee da, I should be working, but instead I'm drinking one of the Rock Star Juiced (Guava) 24 oz. cans that Thrift Store Champion bought a flat of at Big Lots! and playing on the internet. I am working on which direction to take my paper on Walter Benjamin and the democratization of the means of cultural production. I wanted to do something with that awesome Pin-Up Grrrls book I read this summer, and got a bunch of books about feminism and art blah blah blah. But I was rereading The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction last night and all I could think about was YouTube. And I said to myself, "I do not want to write a YouTube paper. Also, I'd have to restart all my research. And it would have to be like recent journal articles, etc., which are harder to find than books in a cursory search." So here I am trying to figure out where to go with it and just fucking around on the internet instead of reading more. Annnyway, enough about my working block. I just have to have, like, an outline for tomorrow or whatevs. So, links! -Amanda talks about an Evangelical Christian who realizes that maybe morality doesn't have to be based on specific belief in one specific version of god. This is a minister who traces his spiritual journey in a segment of the always-awesome This American Life. Amanda says:

What made the whole thing even more fascinating was that Pearson got all these letters from people who conceded outright that the existence of a hell where the majority of people go was a moral outrage, but who nonetheless suggested that he best comply with god’s wishes. God, in other words, is a terrorist holding a gun to people’s heads. And, more importantly, if you’re moral you do everything in your power to save other people from the wrath of this evil, torturous being by spreading the, um, Good News. Their entire system relies on the belief that people are more, not less, moral than god. Jesus’ role in this is that he became a man, and thus basically adopted some of man’s morality, and he pleads with the vicious, nasty, vindictive god to show a little mercy to his creation.

Obviously, most Christians would deny that this is what they really believe, but thinking about it in these terms is intriguing and ultimately kind of revealing about how much of religion is based on fear. Christian minister finds morality doesn't come from god. (Pandagon) -There's a buzz going around the feministernets (yes, I just made that up) about some bullshit article that I am too lazy to find and actually read and link to that basically blames third-wave feminism for increases in binge drinking among young women. Blah blah blah, women having equal rights and feeling freer to do shit that guys have always done is BAD. I'm not going to pretend that my frequent excessive drinking is healthy or something, I know it's not, but I also know that I can get away with it right now (I'm young, a grad student, live in a small town and have nothing better to do, etc.). I also won't claim that I don't enjoy feeling like somewhat of a badass when I down straight liquor or can match guys twice my size drink-for-drink. I also won't pretend that I don't also use alcohol to lower inhibitions and enjoy casual hook-ups. I realize mixing sex and alcohol can be problematic, but I think the fact that it is so common is largely due to restrictive cultural conceptions of female sexuality that are at odds with physical reality. Getting drunk is fun. Having sex is fun. Often hooking up is far easier when you're both drunk. So what? I'm in my fucking twenties. Is this not the time to sow my wild oats? Why has no one in the past been concerned about young (or old, or any) men and their oats, but get all pearl-clutchy when it comes to girls doing it to? I WANT MY FUCKING WILD OATS AND I WILL SOW THEM ALL I WANT. I'm a feminist. I also drink a lot. I have no bullshit ideas that drunkenness is somehow a "feminist" state. Duh. Just because feminism has allowed for women to "behave badly" without the same kind of social consequences that would have come with them in the past doesn't mean everything I do makes some sort of feminist statement. I'm fucking sick of fucking pseudo-feminist or anti-feminist or just generally "concerned" journalists and pundits blaming feminism for anything they believe is wrong with society, without actually examining the roots of certain phenomena. As if just because our coping strategies have changed means that we live in a fucking post-patriarchy. Assholes. Anyway, there are a lot of good posts out there (see Jezebel, Feministing, etc.), but I particularly enjoyed Jill's discussion: Chicks Drink. Blame Feminism. (Feministe) -This has been bouncing around the 'webs, and if you haven't seen it yet, it's fucking awesome. Jack Black as Jesus as the best idea ever. Also, perennial faves Allison Janney, Andy Richter, Margaret Cho, and that guy who plays Darrell on The Office, as well as NPH!

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

Prehistorical post

No, this isn't a neanderthal post, silly! It's the post before Thursday History Blogging! A few things: 1. Obvs, I'm pumped about the defeat of McMav. I've never been a super Obamaphile, but I am pleased with the results. 2. Fuck you, Californian gay-haters. 3. Via Shakesville, I discovered this AMAZINGLY AWESOME website: Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century. Sweet old photos of mustachioed men. Though there is a bit of beard blasphemy, I will let it go for the sheer nerdy history and facial hair enjoyment.

Mormons and the Gays Part 2: Jesus Needs Your Campaign Donation

Part 1 here. Anyway, GAY PEOPLE. The LDS Church + them = not so much. Covered that already. But so sometimes gay people stop having pedophile orgies long enough to get into serious relationships with one another. And for some reason, us just allowing them to exist isn't enough. They want "equal rights" and the "same privileges" as heterosexual couples. They want to get, like, married. But some Americans don't want them to get married. It's because they're uncomfortable with "dudes kissing," as Jon Stewart says. Apparently it'll destroy the fabric of society.* But even when blatantly homophobic "reasoning" and/or religious rhetoric is left out, same-sex marriage opponents' arguments really don't make any sense. See this ostensibly objective discussion of California's Proposition 8: I will now list the ways in which this is problematic: 1. First of all, the "just the facts" tone is betrayed by the opinions expressed. 2. San Francisco judges? Can you say "dog whistle"? 3. Notice how same-sex marriage is represented by man+man at all times. I can has lesbians plz? 4. I like how the narrator has a really innocuous-sounding voice. 5. "Restore traditional marriage to California"? As if gay marriage will replace all straight ones. 6. Logical leap between the idea of strong families being vital to society and gay marriage somehow putting that in danger. 7. Jan has freakishly short arms. 8. Minivan = MORMON!! 9. The gay one I think is Michael has AWESOME hair. 10. I love how to find the best information, they turn immediately to the internet and make a decision based on the first thing they find. 11. There are also no lesbians in Massachusetts. 12. Those activist judges making 2nd grade mandatory! 13. I like the scare tactic: Oh no! The Catholics don't like it, it must be bad! As if the state could require anyone to place a child in a "same-sex home." I'm sure they were required to consider gay couples, but that's not the same thing. 14. No one's church has ever been required to perform any marriage, heterosexual or homosexual. Churches are allowed to discriminate any way they want in this regard. 15. Tolerance is always introducing so many question marks into my life. 16. I like this complete myth of a family that's good friends with the gay couple next door who doesn't support their "lifestyle." Anyway, it's all bullshit. Obviously. And the LDS Church has asked its members to get involved. And money has been pouring into California from out-of-state Mormons to fund this discriminatory nonsense. But there are individual members and groups of members who have more progressive views on this issue, and the whole thing is causing divisions within the church (good write-up by the SLC Tribune, check it out). Some are taking action. They believe that the church should stay out of political/legal matters, and accuse members of spreading misinformation about the possible consequences of Proposition 8. Louis CK refutes the "What will they teach the children?!" argument. As if you shouldn't just be talking to them about what they learn at school anyway. Most brainwashing goes on at home, and it's not like gay people will cease to exist in real life if you don't tell kids about them. They're gonna find out anyway. And as the inimitably awesome Wanda Sykes says, "I don't understand why people all up in arms over shit that don't affect them." (Apologies about the sound being off, all of them were like that.) *And the Mormons are so not on board with destroying fabric, what with them liking to sew and do all that other crafty/domestic shit.

Mormons and the Gays Part 1: Why you gotta be hatahs?

Listen, Mormons: Have we or have we not been over this before? Hating on the gays is so not cool. I know you think homosexuality is, like, against god's plan or whatever, but I have a hard time believing that if god is who everybody says he is,* that anyone could be born in a way that violates his plans. (Anyone who claims homosexuality is a "choice" is stuck in pre-1990s-era homophobia--update your arguments, people!) Maybe god makes some people gay as their big "challenge" in life. Some people have to overcome physical or economic hardship, some people have to go on missions to Idaho, and some people have to deal with a basically sinful nature** and must be celibate and alone forever. And even if they do that, they totally don't get to the top tier of the Celestial Wedding Cake or whatever unless they get polygamized to somebody in the afterlife (and that's only if they are lesbian ladies; gay men are apparently screwed. Or something. I don't care to research it.). Despite the church being Ye Olde Institution of Heteronormativity (and Jesus (and Cookies)), gay members exist. Obvs. And unfortunately, they have been just as brainwashed as the rest of us were and often choose to try and fit in (at least for a time). If you don't know about the horrifying electroshock aversion therapy for gays at BYU in the '70s (and possibly up through the '90s), you need to look into it. That shit is fucked up. I realize that homosexuality was only then beginning to be considered anything besides deviance by the broader medical community, but seriously? Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming the people who were willing to undergo the "treatment." Indoctrination is a very, very strong force. And when you're Mormon, the church seeps into every single aspect of your life. This is on purpose. It makes you feel like if you leave it, you'll have nothing left of yourself. Fuck that shit. Highly recommended is the documentary Anyone and Everyone that interviews a bunch of families about what it was like to have a child come out. It prominently features a well-to-do Mormon family who took it in stride and though they're still members, are willing to call bullshit on the church's view of their son's sexuality. Anyway, Mormons, you don't do anybody any favors by continuing to toe the party line on this one. If enough people in the church start to protest, I'm sure some sort of "clarifying" revelation will be forthcoming. Just you wait. I'd like to think so, anyway. I myself gave up on the whole thing, but there are people who are still in your wards who are gay and are trying to hide it or change it or are resigned to a totally un-sexy, lonely life. I do not approve. Not so much love, Lauren & a bunch of totally Word of Wisdom-violating beverages COMING SOON: Part 2: In which I (once again) chastise the church for sticking its homobigoted nose into California's political business. *An old, conservative white man. OMFG John McCain is the Christian god! I'm quitting life. **Violating the 2nd Article of Faith much?

Sexy Naked Workout Videos, Jesus Wants to Be Your Boyfriend, and My Neighbor Is a Bad Singer

-So, a couple of weeks ago Thrift Store Champion and I were hanging out with some friends at their house, when suddenly they subjected treated us to some of this magic. Yes, my friends: The Da Vinci Body Series for Men. It's hard-bodied dudes working out. All naked-like. This video tape was from the mid-nineties, had terribly dubbed-over exercise instructions, and it was so, so hard to look away. It may have been partly due to imbibed substances, but we watched that entire video (it's like an hour long), and were incredibly thrilled to find out that it is part of a series. Highlight: when Jason said of the one Asian guy, "He's so diverse!" -Also from the early-to-mid-nineties: the stock photos on this fabulous Jesus website. "Where is that one special relationship?" I saw a commercial on the teevee for this website, and I had to check it out: 1-888-Need-Him. And I quote:

We've all felt these things. In such moments, you know there's something missing, something wrong in your world. You know there's a relationship you don't have that you're supposed to have. At times you may have felt you have found it, perhaps in a love relationship, but that feeling never seems to last.

Every relationship leaves you with this hole in your heart. Something isn't right, but we just can't find it or fix it. But it doesn't ever have to be that way for you again. There is an answer to your search.

I know! It's called Prozac! Or quit dating people who suck! Whatevs. Anyway, the site features different pictures if you decide you want to tell a lady about Jesus. "Alone? A perfect friend is waiting to meet YOU." God, it had better be The Sexy Gay Jesus, or I want my money back! Unfortunately, I don't have the outdated technology required to "Watch It!" or "Hear It!" because it looks like there are some good talks like "Sleeping Around" or "Titanic,"* presented by people like this lady. Also, I found a link to a fun new blog by a Christian lady named Peggie whose main webpage features some midi hymns. This week on her blog she ponders what a Christian should do on Halloween, what with how it "has turned into dark occultic activities opposite from the Light-giving God we serve." I like the evangelical option: candy + religious tracts = happy trick-or-treaters all around! Unless they're, like, Muslim or something. Like Barack Obama.

-Have I mentioned that my next-door neighbor sings Jesus music often in the morning? For a few weeks, it was like clockwork right before 10:00 a.m. every day: off-key but inspirational. But then ONE MORNING I heard her singing along to something not-so-Christian on the radio (that is a totally edited--though still quite sleazy--video, and I actually kind of liked the song's premise when I thought it was a woman singing about receiving cunnilingus, but now I've realized my neighbor's bad vocals covered up the fact that it's just some shitty guy band).

*How up-to-the-minute!