Energy Drink Review: Rockstar Pure Zero Watermelon

Guys! I found a Rockstar flavor I haven't tried before. It's watermelon in the Pure Zero line. I slept all the hours last night but now I've been computering for a while and am feeling kind of tired. Sure, I could "get up and do something" or "leave my house," but new X-Files comes on in 90 minutes and what could I possibly do before then anyway? So I'm trying it.

FLAVOR: Mmm! A good candy watermelon flavor, but not too strong. I don't know if I'd want it all the time, but as an occasional shot of variety, yes. UPDATE: It's a decent mixer, too. Not a strong enough flavor to overpower the falafel and onions from my dinner, but tasty nonetheless.

EFFECTIVENESS: I'm really enjoying this Fleetwood Mac, so I think you could say it's working. I mean, I like FM normally, but I'm really feeling it right now. Okay, I ended up walking to the store and getting foods and stuff so really I am the champion of today. I plan to drink the second half of the can with vodka for the X-Files Drinking Game here in a bit. It's gonna be great. UPDATE: It was great!

OVERALL: Recommended. Good. Do it.

Energy Drink Review: Monster Pipeline Punch

Hang ten, brah.

Guys! A Monster I haven't seen before that I don't think is just a rehash or repackaging of one of their other flavors! The vending machine at my current job doesn't have my go-to Monster flavors (Absolutely Zero or Khaos), but it least it has energy drinks AND you can pay by card, which is good because I rarely carry cash. ANYWAY, I haven't seen this flavor before. Apparently it's a limited edition kind of thing, so I'm glad I'll get a chance to taste it. I tend to really like most of the juice energy drink flavors. The "pipeline" in the name is some Hawaiian wave thing who cares. I download files all day long. Hundreds. Thousands. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus this is just a project and will end eventually. Anyway, staying awake in this cube is way harder than staying awake surfing or whatever.

I was pretty sleepy before lunch and haven't had any caffeine yet, so we'll see how this goes. I may need to take a nap before I head to HUGE tonight to help close out the Improvathon.

FLAVOR: It's pretty good. It tastes a lot like the Rockstar Juiced Guava they used to make and I drank way too much of my first semester of grad school. Lightly carbonated. Sweet, but not overwhelmingly so.

EFFECTIVENESS: It is totes working. Feeling more cheerful, less sluggish. My incessant leg bouncing feels more purposeful. I've still got about 40% left and I'm feeling good. I think I can call this a success.

OVERALL: Recommended. According to that graphic from the Monster website above, you can get it at 7-11. I'm pretty sure we don't have those here, but I will keep my eye out (or just buy all the cans out of the vending machine in the break room here).

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar BOOM!

LOOK WHO STILL HAS A BLOG. It's me. I still have this blog. Now that I'm on my new meds (Zoloft) and I know I don't have to be a mortgage receptionist forever (temp job end date TBA), I am feeling a lot less terrible about life and maybe I will write things again. So I'm here today to give you all a heartfelt update about something deeply personal to me... new energy drink flavors, obvs! Isaac picked up a couple of these new Rockstar BOOM! drinks for me somewheres and I'm trying the "whipped strawberry" flavor first.

FLAVOR: Oh wow. It kind of tastes like a smoothie. And like actual strawberries may have been involved in the manufacture of this product. It is pretty damn tasty. Like no other energy drink. Not chemical-y at all. This is some good shit, y'all. It's a little sweet to drink too fast, but I like it.

EFFECTIVENESS: I am less than completely exhausted today, just regular damn tired, but afternoons are long in this lobby and the alarm at 7:01 a.m.* comes REAL early. I think it is working but I just had to do a bunch of work stuff and it was stupid. FACT: uppers can't make you not hate your job. Definitely a perk-up. Standard for Rockstar caffeination levels. I drank it over the course of about an hour and a half and TBH, I'm already coming back down and getting tired again. I do not blame the Rockstar, however, I'm just a tired, tired lady.

OVERALL: Try it! I recommend it!      (!!)

Trying the orange one tomorrow probs. Will update.


*I do not set alarms for even numbers. That's just... wrong. 

Energy Drink Review: Mossy Oaks Pursuit Energy

Good, extremely good, will probably also be good when I drink it later this week.

This weekend, sometime between our detour into Fergus Falls, Minnesota to take photos with Otto the Otter (worth it) and making it back to St. Paul, we stopped at a convenience store full of bros with boats in the parking lot and spotted a line of hunting-themed energy drinks. Mossy Oak Pursuit Energy drinks feature pictures of tree bark on their cans, though I think it would be more legit if the cans were actually tiny oaken kegs. Unfortunately, their marketing department did not consult me first despite the fact that I am a noted energy drink scholar. Anyway, I hadn't seen these before, and because Science and also the Internet dictate it so, I had to try them all. I used the citrus berry flavor the other night as a mixer and it was fucking delicious. Let's see what the original flavor is like, shall we?

FLAVOR: Pretty tasty. It's citrus, but still with some sweetness. I like it.

EFFECTIVENESS: This drink is supposed to be "A LASTING SHOT OF ENERGY WHETHER HUNTING, FISHING OR DOING ANYTHING IN THE GREAT OUTDOORS." I am inside an office lobby in the suburbs, but whatever. Same thing. I've consumed most of it and I'm definitely feeling more energetic. I have this problem where "caffeinated" can pretty quickly morph into "anxious for no fucking reason" and I think I'm a bit on the edge of that here but that is not Mossy Oak's fault! Perhaps if I were in the Great Outdoors instead of trying to pass the time at this front desk, I would be filled with joy instead. Nonetheless, I'd say it's working.

OVERALL: Recommended. Illinois' finest animal-shooting-themed beverage.

Energy Drink Review: Red Rain

You thought that was Greenland over there, didn't you?

This past weekend, the Beard and I took our snark show on the road to Canada where we played to sold out crowds of the two of us and a spherical stuffed elephant in motel rooms of middling quality. Also, we went and watched a women's World Cup double header in Winnipeg and checked every single store we went to for new, strange energy drinks. I brought this one back from our bros in the Great North: Red Rain. According to redrainenergy.ca, there are several flavors, but I only saw this classic one for sale. I appreciate that there are no flashy graphics or can copy trying to claim it will turn you into a moose (or whatever it is alert Canadians strive to be). It's just like, "I'm an energy drink." Let's see if tastes like socialized medicine (mmm).

FLAVOR: Okay, as I was concerned might be the case, Red Rain has a vaguely cough syrup-y "red" flavor to it. Not too bad, though. Pretty generic "energy drink"/Red Bull wannabe-type flavor. It's fine. Not delicious, but it will do.

EFFECTIVENESS: I'm pretty sleepy today. This has only been mitigated by the walk I went on at lunch, not because I'm healthy, but because I have to take an entire hour and was falling asleep on a park bench while doing a crossword. I really need Canada to come through for me on this one because I've got to revise a sketch before my class tonight and also stay awake at my job. I'm about 63% of the way through this can, and it is working pretty good. I feel less like death and more like a human who doesn't hate everything (still most things--that's kind of my whole deal).

A dude just came in to drop off some payments and I said, "Okay, great" so I think you could say this is working. Legs shaking? CHECK. Vague sense of enthusiasm? CHECK. Too much tweeting? CHECK and CHECK. Damn, Red Rain, you're working.

OVERALL: Recommended. If you are in Canada and are like, "Where are the Monsters and Red Bulls?" (You will not say this because they have them everywhere, even rural Manitoba where our motel was.) you will still be okay as long as you can track down a Red Rain.

Energy Drink Review: Amp Energy Zero Watermelon

Okay, pretty good, haven't tried it yet, okay.

According to the coolers at the giant Circle K by my new job, Amp has a bunch of new flavors. I've tried the passionfruit (not bad) and the strawberry limeade (pretty good, actually) and am now trying the Amp Zero, which is watermelon-flavored. I've opened it already and it smells like watermelon candy, which is a thing that I like, so hooray! Let's give this a go:

FLAVOR: Hm. Very watermelony, but not overwhelmingly so. It reminds me of some watermelon-flavored gum or something. Not, like, actual watermelons. A little more than halfway through, the flavor is still okay, but maybe there's a reason why you don't see a lot of watermelon beverages, it's kind of odd in large quantities.

EFFECTIVENESS: I wasn't too exhausted this afternoon, despite having to be somewhere at 8:00 a.m. every day this week which is my worst goddamn nightmare, basically. But my legs are getting shakier and I feel slightly motivated, so that's positive. I have a comedy-related meeting after work which I am not looking forward to, because being in an office for 9 hours a day and then driving in moderate traffic is apparently too much for me to handle. BUT hopefully this will keep me from actually falling asleep as soon as I walk away from the reception desk, which would be good what with the driving and speaking to other humans I need to do. I'd say I feel a noticeable but not crazy-intense boost in energy.

OVERALL: It's fine! If you like watermelon-flavored stuff, definitely check it out. Otherwise, it's nothing special.

Energy Drink Review: Gazzu

I've got a new temp job starting next week, and near the new place's location there is a very large convenience store that stocks "Gazzu" energy drinks. I thought the cans looked kind of familiar and assumed I'd reviewed them before, but bought a couple just in case. Turns out I haven't! I've got two flavors in my fridge, but I'll start with the original flave.

FLAVOR: It tastes like... I don't know? Just a vague energy/citrus flavor. It tastes like a generic energy drink, but it's not super-strong. It's FINE.

EFFECTIVENESS: This is especially important. My head is all fuzzy after getting a bunch of sleep, apparently. I'm having a small PARTY here tomorrow night and have not dusted or vacuumed in many a week (month?). So maybe I can get some cleaning done so I don't embarrass myself in front of my improv bros by having a gross house. Halfway through the can, I'm feeling more alert and considering getting off this couch to do stuff.

OVERALL: Not bad! It was effective and had an adequately okay taste! I cleaned my house and everything! I did try the mango Gazzu later, and it was not a tasty fake mango. So be careful with your cheap energy drinks, kids.

Energy Drink Review: Bing Raz

Basically exactly what my improv set
was like after this drink.

Some time ago, I tried Petey's Bing, a cherry-themed energy drink sold in the produce section of the grocery store for some reason. It was perfectly okay! Recently while trying to make myself buy some salad bag kits because heavens knows I won't chop my own vegetables, I saw that they'd expanded the beverage line some and picked up this Raz flavor. I like actual raspberries more than cherries (switch preference for artificial versions), so we'll see what the flav is like on this. It comes in a 12-ounce can, but since I got up at 2:00 p.m. and all I've done is go on what can barely be described as "run," that amount of caffeine may be sufficient (100 mg). No further intel appears to be available about "Petey" than my previous review, but I'm guessing he's part of the "husband-and-wife team" that originally developed Bing.

FLAVOR: Mmm! It tastes like actual raspberries were involved in the manufacture of this beverage, but it's not too tart. A good balance with the sweetness. The carbonation is sufficient; sometimes with the "natural" ones, the carbonation is "light" and inadequate for my bubble needs.

EFFECTIVENESS: As I have been all week, I'm rocking known baby Ariana Grande's* album My Everything on repeat with occasional plays of "Four Five Seconds" and Toto's "Rosanna"** and that is all going well. I'm trying to convince myself that memorizing this Sarah Vowell excerpt I'm using for an audition monologue tomorrow is fun. The caffeine is marginally helpful. I'm hoping it will also serve as reserve energy from my improv show tonight, which is going to be my last one for awhile. Because I'm dying. JK, I just don't have anything scheduled right now.

OVERALL: Pretty good. I'm feeling lively. Worth a try, gang.


*She charmed the shit out of me guest-judging on RuPaul's Drag Race and I'd been meaning to download some of her songs anyway.
**We're finally watching American Horror Story: Coven and there's a scene with fratbros in a tattoo parlor where pre-dead Kyle is digging this song pretty hard.

Energy Drink Review: Cannabis Energy Drink

Hemp-ergy?

Guys, I went to the mall! Sometimes Isaac and I like to go to the suburbs and eat at Olive Garden and watch horror movies in giant multiplexes (we saw It Follows, 4/5 stars). We had a bunch of time between dinner and the movie so we wandered around the mall and found some DELIGHTFUL items for purchase in Ye Olde Spencer's Gifts Boutique. They sell a line of hemp-based energy drinks called, of course, Cannabis (contains no THC, sorry stoners). Probably don't ever drink one of these in your car in case you get pulled over. It just doesn't look good. I picked up the classic green can--I hope it tastes like weed! JK, I don't, I'm not into plant flavors, EW--and a fruity one. I'm trying this for you. For science. For the United States of America. Here goes!

FLAVOR: It tastes mostly like a kind of syrupy energy drink. Not terrible, not great. Vaguely citrus-y, very sweet. It does not taste like it's been laced with pot or a rope or anything.

EFFECTIVENESS: I'm about halfway through (it's only an 8-ouncer) and I think I'm perking up. I struggled to get up at like 3:30 this afternoon, so really anything helps, let's be honest. I did the dishes and have moved on to other household chores and am rocking some '90s Sarah McLachlan, so yeah, it's probably working.

OVERALL: Okay! It's nothing special except for what it's made out of and obviously they don't have fridges at Spencer's so I had to take it home and put it in the fridge so make of THAT what you will.

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar Organic

Whatever.

Supposedly Rockstar is now making an "organic" energy drink. I mean, not supposedly, I've got one right here, I am supposing about the "organic" part. However, I have never, ever cared about my consumption of chemicals, so whatevs. I mean, at least I don't live in this Kazakh village where people keep hallucinating and like falling asleep for five days for no discernible reason. (Note to self: maybe you have a sleeping disease?) It's just a new flavor to me. "Island fruit flavor" with organic cane sugar and "organic caffeine from organic green coffee beans." Okay, player. Let's give this shit a go. I've got improv practice and then later a show and I'm still mourning my Troika loss from the other night, so this shit better work.

FLAVOR: I have no idea how to describe what this tastes like. I mean, not much, I guess. It smells kind of "island fruit"-y. Isaac tasted it and says, "It tastes like carbonation... like a vaguely fruity Sprite." There's a bit of an plant-y edge, maybe that's the green coffee bean thing. We'll see how this goes. The flavor never gets better, but it's so un-flavor-y, that you can drink it pretty fast, at least.

EFFECTIVENESS: Guys, it worked real good. Did a bunch of silly kitchen improv and am still feeling pretty good. It works just as well as a regular Rockstar, I guess.

OVERALL: Recommended if you like things that don't quite taste like anything.

Energy Drink/Bureaucracy Review: Red Bull Yellow Edition/Blue Cross Blue Shield

Gang, I don't even want to get started on the tragic story of our missing government-subsidized healthcare, but suffice it to say that through no fault of our own, we have been left uninsured so far in 2015 and I have six Prozac pills left and no refills left on my prescription, so anyway it's been fun. We should officially get coverage this week, so hopefully it'll all work itself out blahblahblah. But anyway, I get to call Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota and ask them why they've sent us a $733.72 bill for coverage we never had. HAHAHA SUPERFUN.

This would be too many of this flavor, 7-11.

Anyway, I'm also going to try this Red Bull Yellow Edition (apparently also known as the "Summer Edition" because right now it's probably summer on Mars or something), which is supposed to be "tropical"-flavored. Whatever that means. Probably fucking pineapple. Let's do both of these things!

FLAVOR: Not bad. Not too pineappley. General fruitiness, a tinge of tanginess. Again, not bad. Not great either.

PHONE CALL: "Hang up if this a medical emergency?" Okay. God, voice recognition software is the worst. It keeps making me spell my husband's last name. It starts with a V which is basically impossible to differentiate from any other letter on the phone. They're sending me to a representative. 3 minutes on hold, they estimate. We'll see. Shitty jazzy hold music. Oh, less than 3 minutes! They tell me I have to go back and cancel through MNSure or just let it cancel due to nonpayment OKAY SURE GREAT INSURANCING, GUYS. That was fun how you wanted me to pay you for the two months we've been anxiously waiting for our goddamn insurance cards and paying out of pocket for all our prescriptions and putting off doctor's appointments! (I didn't say any of that stuff to the nice lady who has to answer for terrible corporate decisions, just to Isaac afterwards.)

EFFECTIVENESS: It's hard to say if the energy drink or my righteous indignation is hyping me up more, but I'm pretty sure it's a potent combination. No longer as angry, the drink is doing its job in that my legs are extra shaky and my typing fingers feel especially fast. I keep thinking how silly it is that the pull tab on these Red Bull cans, instead of just the oval, features the outline of the bull. Like, why? It's hard to identify. I keep thinking it's, like, an elephant-fishwhaleman. Look:

Image source.

Right?

OVERALL: Whatever. It's fine. Not my fave flave, but it works good and stuff. DO WHAT YOU WANT, STOP LETTING THE (WO)MAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

Energy Drink Review: Red Bull Orange Edition

VITAL

Red Bull, elder statesman of the U.S. energy drink industry, has come out with a couple new flavors as part of its Total Zero line. Apparently not everybody's into the classic flavor ("Spree candy/noxious chemicals"). As I recall I wasn't really into whatever the Red, Silver and Blue "Editions" were supposed to taste like, but it appears I never bothered to review them here. SORRY, AMERICA. I picked up a few of the 12-ouncers because the Super America at Lake and Aldrich in Uptown has all the new flavors of energy drinks and is my go-to place for between-show snacks. Anyway, here's the first one of these guys: the Orange Edition I appreciate that though it is "orange," the can clearly tells us that it is artificially flavored, not trying to claim that, say, 3% juice is, like, even a thing. All I've accomplished this afternoon is napping, so we'll see if this helps.

FLAVOR: It's orange-y! Not bad. Much better than any of the other Red Bull alternate flavors I've tried. It's definitely an energy drink-tinged orange, but I'm into that. Less sweet than an orange soda.

EFFECTIVENESS: Isaac just used the word "phenomenon" and then I starting yelling "pheNOMNOMNOM," so I think you could say it's working now. I shared the fuck out of some events on Facebook. (INCLUDING THIS ONE TUESDAY NIGHT BRYANT LAKE BOWL.) Feeling pretty pumped to go to an improv practice and drill this new form straight into the fucking ground. So yes, effective.

OVERALL: Recommended. It's a decent flavor and works good. Worth a try at least.

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar Lime Freeze

There is nothing "frozen" about this drink unless you live in MN and leave it in your car or something.

[Ed. note: JK, I am my own editor, but SRSLY I wrote this like a week ago and then forgot to publish it. I have no actual plans to leave my home today. Don't get confused.]

In an effort to produce energy drinks in every goddamn possible flavor, even when they are abominations, Rockstar has put out a couple of drinks that are supposed to taste like frozen booze beverages: Lime Freeze and Pina Colada. Because pineapple is kind of the worst, I am declining to taste and review that one because we all know it will just say "Pineapple is not good, I do not like this." But I'm giving the ol' Lime Freeze a go. True fact: the first booze beverage I was particularly fond of was Mike's Hard Lime. I'd drink four of those and be good to go. You can tell I was very young because my stomach was able to process that much sugar at once and also it only took four very weak beverages to get me satisfactorily drunk. Ah, to be 21 again! JK, that was a kind of horrible time in my life and I never want to go back.

FLAVOR: It is very lime-y. Actually, not unlike the Mike's Lime. Will my old-lady guts be able to handle sixteen ounces of this? ONLY TIME WILL TELL. Halfway in, it's decent and not making me sick or anything.

EFFECTIVENESS: It's working, bros. I'm feeling much less lethargic. We have plans to leave the house tonight and everything. It is a perfectly useful energy beverage. Might not finish it before we go out, but it's definitely doing its job.

OVERALL: I drank most of it before we left the house and only felt slightly icky. Recommended if very lime-y things are your thing.

Energy Drink Review: Mountain Dew Kickstart Strawberry Kiwi

This is a drink you can drink.

I've written here about the Mountain Dew Kickstart before. It's a perfectly okay beverage! Looks like PepsiCo is branching out and there are a few new members to the Kickstart family. This particular drink is billed as "Kickstart Hydrating Boost" and the flavor is "Energizing Strawberry Kiwi," so yeah. This is happening. The other new flavor had pineapple in it, so I took a hard pass on that one, OBVS. It's only a twelve-ounce can and I'm not particularly sleepy, just unmotivated to revise a draft for my sketch writing class because doing things is hard and the worst. Let's give this "NATURALLY AND ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED SPARKLING JUICE BEVERAGE BLEND FROM CONCENTRATE" a go!

FLAVOR: It's pretty tasty. Like, a lightly carbonated strawberry something or rather. I like it.

EFFECTIVENESS: My leg shakiness has increased and I'm thinking pretty seriously about looking at the word document I should be working on. Like, I already changed the date and which number draft it is, and honestly, the changes I need to make to this sketch are not that significant and will be fun to do, but I don't want to start. Because doing things is my kryptonite. The energy drinks protect me from hurting myself while exerting effort. Something in the caffeine. Or the taurine. Whatever. I'm sticking to this story. I just added two lines and some stage direction to my sketch, so I'd say overall all that it's working! Finished it and did some more tweaking, so hooray! Success! I may even let Isaac take me grocery shopping (which I hate) before Project Runway All-Stars tonight.

OVERALL: Drink it, it's pretty good and stuff.

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar Horchata Energy

Have you ever been like, "I could use an energy boost, but I'd really like there to be milk involved"? Well, lucky you! Rockstar is now selling a "tradicional [sic] dairy beverage with natural cinnamon flavors." HORCHATA ENERGY DUH OF COURSE THIS IS HAPPENING. I think horchata is yummy generally, but I am skeptical as fuck about this going well. The can says to shake well. I Taylor Swifted the shit out of that thing. Now, to try it:

SPOILER ALERT.

FLAVOR: Whoa. That is happening. Oh, god. At first you're like, "Mmm, it's like Cinnamon Toast Crunch milk," but then it's like, "Oh dear god, what is this awful over-cinnamon-y/metallic aftertaste?" I am not sure how much of this I can handle. Does Rockstar make a chaser for this drink? Oh no, the more I have, the less I hate it. It's still not good, but maybe you build up, like a milky chemical layer on your tongue and throat so you can't taste it as much after awhile. I'm almost done with it and it is less jarringly awful than the first few glugs, but my stomach feels a little bit weird right now, I won't lie. Also, still not good.

EFFECTIVENESS: It is hard to say since I am choking it down in large gulps, attempting to bypass most of my tongue. That seems to help with the metallic aftertaste. My legs were already shaking because of how I that is my jam, even when I'm exhausted, but perhaps a bit faster now. Well, I just photoshopped a data entry joke based on a shitty Craigslist ad onto a picture of Lars Ulrich and he's probably going to sue me, so at least the caffeine part of this drink isn't complete shit.

Oh dear lord, I finally finished. Lots of weird cinnamon/metallic on the last drink. If you like horchata or energy drinks, you should stay away. If you believe that humanity can do better, definitely do not try this drink.

OVERALL: NOT FUCKING RECOMMENDED.

Energy Drink Review: Monster Ultra Sunrise

Monster keeps changing its cans so I think they're releasing new products. There's a new orange one on the market called "Ultra Sunrise" in one of the textured "ultra" cans (a line of flavors that have ultra-underwhelmed me) claiming to be some sort of morning drink. I don't know, maybe it'll basically be like the Monster version of Mountain Dew Kickstart. I will give it a try. I will mention that it is actually sunSET here, as it is nearly 5:00 p.m., but we all know I don't sleep at night anyway and there's no way I'm getting any writing done if I don't have caffeine. Let's do this!

FLAVOR: Hmm. It legit tastes like orange fruit was involved in the making of this beverage. It's carbonated and obvs loaded with chemicals, but the flavor somehow comes off closer to orange juice than orange soda (which is what the Kickstart tastes like, in a good way). Not bad. The drink continues to be tasty.

EFFECTIVENESS: Yeah, it's working. I moved my computer into the office and got out the ten pages of dissertation proposal I've written and went through with a purple pen. Next step: open the word document. Legs shaking extra much. I'm listening to music and doing a tiny bit of work, which is saying a lot since I've spent the past three months intentionally unemployed so I could write a total of ten pages. LET'S CELEBRATE SMALL VICTORIES.

OVERALL: I haven't finished it yet, but it tastes pretty good and is working. Different enough from the other orange Monsters to be worth a try.

Energy Drink Review: Tornado

I had the red one. Blue one's next. Brown one never (sorry, I'm racist against coffee).

Guys, I found a Big Lots(!) here in Minnesota and was able to find some random new energy drinks to try. I picked up a "Tornado" drink in a few flavors and will review the original flavor here for you today. I really shouldn't drink energy drinks, just generally OBVS, but because I'm awake until the morning and then sleep all day and then get up for awhile and then take a 3-hour nap, but I will do almost NOTHING if I don't drink some caffeine. My friend Mike tells me this sounds less like caffeine dependency and more like "depression" but WHATEVER WORKS, MY FRIEND. Unnecessary caffeine and lots of cheesy pop music are how I'm doing this thing (occasionally doing household chores and writing once in awhile). The plastic bottle of Tornado claims it contains a "Taste that blows you away!" I do find the way they incorporated the UPC barcode into the tornado picture rather clever. I respect that. Without further ado, here is my live Tornado review.

FLAVOR: Okay, it just tastes like generic "energy drink." The bottle has red on it, so that my be skewing  my tastebuds into thinking it tastes a little more "red" than citrus-y. It's perfectly acceptable in flavor, but definitely has a kind of chemical-y aftertaste. I don't mind that, but I am more energy drink than man at this point, so that's not saying much. Okay, the flavor does not improve with time or warming. It's got a cough-syrupy edge to it almost. I will continue drinking it, obviously. UPDATE: the flavor never improved.

EFFECTIVENESS: In addition to some fun music, this here Tornado is helping motivate me to do some chores I was supposed to do last week, so that's positive. After a little while, my head feels kind of funny, so that's a thing. Maybe I should eat lunch or dinner, whatever meal I'm supposed to have next. I'm going to take my tape measure to the Goodwill for a secret project and then probably get some Wendy's because I'm classy. We'll see how this goes. I got a headache, but I got my secret project purchase and four new (used) puzzles and some dinner made me feel better. The last third or so of the drink is in my fridge for now. I will update if I decide to drink it tonight.

Okay, I finished it eventually after my patented cocktail of sudafed and ibuprofen and a delicious Wendy's salad fixed my headache. It is 2:16 a.m. and I am VERY alert. I even took care of some grownup internet-based business I'd been avoiding. I started a new puzzle and we finished season one of Masters of Sex OMG so good, right? I know I'll never sleep again until it's time for most people to go to work.

OVERALL: Whatever. The caffeine works, the flavor is not so good. I was not "blown away."


UPDATE: The blue one tastes slightly better. Probably not worth looking into unless you find them for 50 cents at Big Lots like I did.

"Energy" Drink Review: Monster Unleaded

That "M" is meaningless in this case. Source.

This is a caffeine-free energy drink. It was really only a matter of time before Monster itself decided to tap this market. The non-caffeine chemicals this Monster variety contains are L-carnitine, taurine, and L-arginine. ALL FAN FAVORITES! I am be-skepticaled that this will do anything for me, but when I saw "Unleaded" in the store, obvs I had to try it. I am no longer employed, but maybe this "energy" drink will motivate me to make the curried squash deliciousness I bought all the ingredients for and is one of like 2 things I ever, ever cook.

FLAVOR: It does taste like an energy drink. I have on occasion craved the flavor without wanting to stay up all night/risk immediate heart failure because I've already had an energy drink and like 3 Diet Cokes today because I had to be up before noon or something. So, this may actually be a good substitute.

EFFECTIVENESS: I'm about a third of the way through the can, and I think I do feel a little perk-up. Maybe it's the ox bile, maybe it's just a placebo thing where I taste those Monster-y chemicals and my body thinks it's time to wake up, but we'll see if it keeps going. Little while later, definitely doing something for me still.

As soon as I finished drinking it, I was tired again. Also, cooking is hard. I nearly took an after-dinner nap but then I knew Sleepy Hollow was on in like an hour and that's not really enough time so I opened a real energy drink. So perhaps if you aren't a caffeine fiend like I am, the "unleaded" will perk you up for an extended period of time. For me, any benefits lasted only as long as the drink itself.

Overall: not recommended if you're, you know, actually in need of caffeine.

Energy Drink Review: Monster Ripper (or IS IT?)

This is the can on my desk. It is very yellow.

Monster has a new juice flavor out. It is yellow! And called "Ripper"! It was inspired by some surfing Hawaiian shit or something who cares, let's just see how it is.

FLAVOR: Fruity. Not quite a fruit punch flavor, but like a nice cocktail of various juices. Not unlike a Khaos. I like it quite a bit.

EFFECTIVENESS: It is working.

VERDICT: It is pretty good! The can is a sprightly yellow! Drink that shit!

OKAY GUYS, REAL TALK: I thought the can copy seemed familiar, but I've been drinking a lot of energy drinks for a lot of years. TURNS OUT THIS IS JUST A REPACKAGED MONSTER M-80. RIP-OFF! I totally thought it was a new kind that just didn't taste that original. Probs because I've had this one before. Those Monster Energy bastards fooled me with the bright yellow can. The product's not even on their website. Whatever, it's still good and shit. Slightly less violent name, I guess?

According to Caffeine Informer, "Ripper- Someone who rips or shreds at surfing... Monster Ripper is just M-80 with a different name and slightly different formulation. 50% juice opposed to 80% juice in M-80, but with the flavor combination and other ingredients staying for the [sic] mostly the same." It's been sold mostly in Australia and New Zealand UNTIL NOW. Also, the new can has no easily accessible internet images, so I'm taking a picture with my non-smart phone for you guys. FOR YOU, YOU'RE WELCOME.

Energy Drink Review: NOS Zero Charged Citrus

GUYS, NOS HAS A NEW FLAVOR OMG. "For advanced mental focus and high performance energy." I saw this NOS Zero "Charged Citrus" at the local SA by my current temp job and knew it was for me. And for you. I DO THIS FOR YOU, PEOPLE.

FLAVOR: Like a gummy worm. You guys, there is now a NOS that tastes like a gummy worm! EXTRA! EXTRA! WORLD'S MOST EFFECTIVE ENERGY DRINK NOW TASTES LIKE CANDY. This is definitely more exciting than this morning's This Is New in My Life Development, which was using QuickBooks to create invoices.

EFFECTIVENESS: I have no doubts about how well this well work, but I will keep you updated on my 16 fl oz (1 pt) of awesomeness. It's definitely working. I'm about 2/3 of the way through and it's kept me pretty active while doing a lot of pulling/digging through files. SO THAT IS SOMETHING.

UPDATE: After work, I was still energized and WENT FOR A RUN. ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON AT 5 P.M. This is monumental. Clearly, the Nos is the Mos(t).

RECOMMENDED ALWAYS AND FOREVER ♥.