Neuro Drink Giveaway Contest!

I've already starting "lighting it up," folks.

Friends, what with me having an ad on my page now and whatnot, I think it is clear I've hit the blogging big time. Further evidence as that a real-life representative from M80, a legitimate-appearing marketing firm (!), contacted me about participating in a Neuro beverage campaign because of my clear qualifications as an internet beverage expert. M80 sent me a case of Neuro products for me to try (for free!) and review, and have offered you, dear readers, the opportunity to win cases of neuroSONIC and neuroBLISS beverages (one of each available).

Instead of neuroSPORT, I got two neuroSONICs. Let's be honest about how much more useful that is for my lifestyle. Adorable owl cookie jar not included.

If you follow the blog, you'll know I positively reviewed neuroSONIC a while back. In fact, I just drank one of my complimentary ones this afternoon. It was both delicious and effective. Here, watch this ad video I said I would post here:


I can't say that I feel like I am experiencing a SONIC-themed rave right now, but you should probably enter my contest (details below) so you can drink a whole case of it and see what happens!

M80 also asked me to participate in their neuroBLISS campaign. The BLISS drink is supposed to calm you down, which I will admit sounds like a product this anxious lady might find useful. Also, I want to wear a white leotard and blond bob wig and serenely dance around with my lady friends like this:



My review of the BLISS drink is forthcoming, but I wanted to be sure to post the giveaway info for both in the same post. UPDATE: That review is here.

NEURO DRINK GIVEAWAY CONTEST!

So: if you are interested in having a box of neuroSONIC (energy) or neuroBLISS (chill out) sent to you by M80, you must submit to me your reasons why you deserve them by Friday, August 31*. It could be a short written explanation, a poem, a song, a short video, a silly gif or drawing, but you've really got to prove to me that you need a bunch of calming and/or energizing beverages. I will totally objectively choose the best entries and have M80 send you your winnings. You can email me (through my Blogger profile) your submissions. I expect your best work, people! Amuse me (or make me feel sorry for you, whichever you think is more convincing) and be sure to specify whether you are entering for the SONIC or the BLISS prize. GET AT IT!

UPDATE: Winning submissions will also be featured on this here blog (if you're okay with that).

Related: My previous review of neuroSLEEP.

*See how I put the deadline in bold like I would for due dates in an undergraduate syllabus?

Happy New Year, blahblahblah

You guys, it's 2012 now. When I was a little Mormon girl I totally thought that the Second Coming would happen before I ever got this old. I'm pretty pleased about still being alive and not believing in that silly stuff anymore. This year, I am going to commit to following my dreams. My dreams involve continuing to drink lots of champagne and possibly moving away from this godforsaken place and also trying to do a lot of writing (non-academic) and continuing to be really attractive. BTWs, I'm technically brunette right now. Sorry to let you all down.

I have experienced the Great Laptop Failure of 2011, so a few secret creative projects are on indefinite hold while I pay way too much money to fix that shit. I have class on Monday nights this coming semester, so though I did watch the premiere of The Bachelor starring my TV boyfriend (besides Adam Scott) Ben F., I don't know if I'll be able to live-blog regularly. I did take notes on the first episode and plan on totally typing them up on this here old-timey laptop in the office of our house soon. So look forward to that, 2 people who care. Whatever. 2012 and stuff.

A number of items of business

Friends,

1. A friend of mine on Facebook has revealed to me the fact that Three Olives Vodka now has a "DUDE" Mountain Dew flavor. As I can attest from a mistake over reunion weekend, vodka in a can of Mountain Dew is pretty gross, but perhaps this flavor in something else wouldn't be too bad. I heard it's available at at least one bar in town, though I prefer to do vodka tastings by the bottle and in my home, so I may wait until it comes to the actual liquor store (there's only one). Anyway, bro drinks = important news on this blog.
 
2. Seriously, it seemed people were excited about advice from the Sexy Gay Jesus (including one particular blogger I admire who condescended to this here blog to ask Our Sexy Lord and Savior's opinion on bouncing back from a breakup, romantic comedy-style). I've had friends in person claim they would send SGJ questions, but they have failed to do so. Consider this a guilting/reminder to submit something. Clicka-clicka on my profile over there and email me (the SGJ doesn't need his own email account, he can just turn on his omniscience whenever he wants. He usually doesn't want, just like Mr. Deity--see below.) Do you want 2000+ years' worth of life experience tinged with glitter and rainbows to go to waste? I did not think so.



3. Google has offered that I can do something with the blog layout settings that will make it fancy/attractive for people who may read this on a mobile device. Do people really read blogs on their phones? Is my page difficult to view on such a device? Should I bother with this? Also: I checked my analytics stats recently and people from, like, Bulgaria and Laos have somehow stumbled upon my blog. So, Здравейте and ສະບາຍດີ to you, international websurfers! Come for the frequent use of the phrase "sexy gay" that directs traffic here and stay for the ridiculousness.

Vote for your choice for the return of the presidential post! No electoral college necessary to fuck things up for you!

Greetings, all, from America's Militia Belt! Remember: it's not "terrorism" if white people do it. Unless it's health care reform, and then it's RAPE by a scary presidential black man.* Man, all these awesome token changes to the existing private health insurance industry are just SUPER and totally life-changing (although I do wish I lived near my parents so their health insurance could cover me again until I turn 27 in six months--am I that old already?). It's like sixteenth-century Germany up in here, there's so much reformation going on. (Yes, I went there.) Anyway, so remember when I used to write about U.S. presidents and history and whatnot and my banner was totally relevant? No? Okay, so it's been awhile. Anyway, I've figured out which presidents I haven't covered yet, and I will let YOU, my two or three regular readers, decide which one I take on first! VOTE IN THE COMMENTS PLZ:

• James Madison
• William Henry Harrison
• Zachary Taylor
• Millard Fillmore
• Grover Cleveland
• Woodrow Wilson
• Harry Truman
• Lyndon Johnson
• Richard Nixon
• Jimmy Carter
• Bill Clinton
• George W. Bush

I am not including Obama, because DUH that is still happening. Actually, the only still-living ex-president I've posted on was Bush Sr., and that was kind of challenging, what with him doing new things all the time and people editing the Wikipedia page and there being just kind of too much information available for a good, shortish, snarky piece. However, I will bow to the whims of the masses: who's next?


*Quadrupledly fucked up.

Blogggin

I, by the way, still exist. I am in joyous vacation/not really vacation mode because I need to be reading about 1200 books recommended by my thesis committee (proposal accepted, topic form submitted to grad college, woot!) and a couple PhD apps to finish up. But whatevs. I am going home later on this week for the Christmas. I plan on watching much TV and TV on DVD with the sister on the couch in the parents' basement until Isaac comes to town, after which he will join us on the couch (with a short break inserted for New Year(')s in Seattle). It is a very large couch. Much nicer than anything my parents owned while I actually lived at home, of course. Perhaps I will blog, perhaps I will continue in laziness. But I still exist. Oh, and I can link to some things. Amanda Marcotte talks about douches being douchey to service employees. THESE PEOPLE HAVE SHITTY JOBS, GOOD GOD GIVE THEM A BREAK. Two summers working at a grocery store were QUITE enough to make me work hard to never have to serve the public again. People are assholes just because they can be. Upwards of $7.00 is not enough to deal with your bullshit. I'm talking to you, lettuce-complaining lady with her young son at 11:30 p.m. one weeknight at Safeway in Helena, MT in summer 2005. I AM BUT A LOWLY CASHIER WHO WANTS TO GO HOME AND GET DRUNK, IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT OUR PRODUCE IS NOT TIP-TOP LATE AT NIGHT, BUT NO ONE WHO WORKS IN THAT DEPARTMENT IS HERE RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T CARE IF WAL-MART IS CHEAPER. I HATE YOU. I HATE MY JOB. I HATE MY JOB MOSTLY BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. Also, your child is learning that it's okay to treat service employees like shit. You're lucky I forgot your name immediately, or I would have so started harassing you in retaliation. Anyway, I'm still bitter about that one. But, go look: Let's just take it all out on the powerless! (Pandagon). And for laughs: Not Always Right, funny & stupid customer quotes. Service employees are doing us all favors all the time for crap pay, so let's behave gratefully and give them the benefit of the doubt when they're having a bad day because other people treat them like shit.

Blog business

Dear readers, There is a day in every sporadic blogger's life when she checks her email to find comments upon very old posts and goes, "Oooh," but then they are links for women's viagra and/or in Russian. It has become apparent to me that the spambots have found my blog. So, to my two or three friends who sometimes comment, now you have to type in one of those secret word thingies when you comment. I know: HARD, but would you rather I continue to get fake comments that just disappoint my soul and are sometimes creepy? So suck it. Here's some Pluggers to make us all feel better about our lives: Pluggers are so broke, they're going to try and bring back a barter economy! "I know it is only 79 cents for that ridiculous/sad "crispy potato"/ranch dressing taco,* but will you take a paper clip necklace made my granddaughter? They are different colors!" Haha. Poverty, amirite? Also, they are tragically beverage-less. *Not worth a try. Trust me. Yuck.

Slightly drunk ramblings: Can you be both a narcissist and have tragically low self-esteem?

I have chosen to discuss this with myself on my blog. I realize that a lot of shit I have posted, especially since coming to grad school, happens during drunkenness. That isn't so much because I drink that much more. I've always been a lush. Since I stopped being Mormon, like 4 years ago (when did I get so old?), anyway. It's just when I can justify not reading for class or nuzzling with that adorably bearded man I call my boyfriend, I'm usually drunk. Sometimes I'm drunk and do all these things at once. I am the best student ever, by the way. BTWs. It is interesting, if you actually sacrificed your soul and listened to the BYU podcast where I extemporated to the little sister about blogging, that one of the things I desire as a (somewhat negligent) blogger is a community. I like the idea of people rallying around things they like a lot. I also really believe in the idea of a cult of personality. Here, I will list people whose cult I have pretty much joined (sorry, Mormon Jesus, your cult didn't allow booze): 1. Conan O'Brien. BTW, congrats on the promotion. Jay Leno = not real funny. But what I love about Conan (in the 12:30 slot, anyway) is the fact that he is obviously really, really smart. He went to fucking Harvard and was the editor of the Lampoon his, like .2nd year. He is nerdy (loves Abe Lincoln), gangly, adorable, self-depricating, and amazing. His wife and kids are super-lucky. I have said since I was about 14, when I got really obsessed with Late Night, that if ever I were to be famous, that the first show I would go on would be Conan's. One day. When I write my widely popular-but-also-academic text that reveals revolutionary layers of meaning in American culture. Totes going to happen. 2. Amy Sedaris for pretty obvious comedic and lady-related reasons. Also, her bro David. What a crazy family to have grown up in. 3. Stephen Colbert. Duh. 4. Sarah Vowell. Smart. Nerdy. Awesome. Hilarious. Into history and friends with Conan. We should probs be best friends. What I'm saying is, that one of my amorphous goals for this blog and what I ultimately hope to achieve when I become a nerdy professor is to build a cult of personality. I may not give you the best impression right off the bat (I'm either shy or drunk), but I like to think that the people who like me for me are worth keeping around. And as much as I denigrate myself in my own mind and hold up the art of self-deprecation as one of the most important pieces of postmodern likability, I want people to like me. But because they think I'm awesome in the same way that I think I might maybe possibly be awesome and the same ways I think other people are awesome and try to hang out with them. And that is all. Personality. Cult. Doesn't sound so bad, eh?

I am on the interwebs with my semi-intelligent voice

Last summer, the lil' sis interviewed me for a podcast on blogging for the BYU Writing Center, where she works ('cause she is smart--take note, grad schools). Turns out I am awesome and our phone convo was used a bunch and the show is finally online. Have a listen.

A Most Negligent Blogger

Dearest Readers, I am sure you have been pining away for some regular posts, as I have been remiss in my internet duties. The semester began, and I have to actually do work sometimes. Also, my three classes are clustered on Tuesday and Wednesday, so things can get pretty intense for a couple days there. Also, one of my classes requires me to blog a couple times a week on a class blog. Boo. Also, Thrift Store Champion and I discovered that we are not actually hibernating mammals and should probably start going to the gym. And, as I have been telling one and all, I really cannot afford to buy all new pants. This in combination with a botched highlighting job by my mother over break that has led me to part my hair on the other (darker) side, and I am far brunetter and fatter these days. Of course, I can still claim to be blonder and thinner than SOMEONE out there, and we all know that gives me a moral upper hand in this life. Anyway, this is an excuse-filled update. I will try to drop a history post in this weekend. I hope all is well in reader-land. Love and shots of whatever it was those Dr. McGillicuddy's promotional people were handing out for free at 149 the other night, Lauren

Happy Blogiversary to Me!

Technically, I've had this blog for a couple of years, but I got serious about posting in the depths of ridiculous depression/occupational apathy/FotC obsession last January 23rd. I decided to stop updating my Facebook profile twelve times a day and just fucking start a blog with my pal Josh's encouragement. To revisit: Goddamn Cheeseheads. BTW, I miss my Wisconsinite roommates. I miss Minnesota (+20 degrees at last). Ohio is stupid. Except my pretty bearded boyfriend and learning nerdy things. Still love cheese, though.

Update: Still figuring shit out

What I said in the title. BUT ALSO: Upcoming: The return of Thursday History Blogging!! I'm in a goddamn U.S. history class (it's on war and gender OMG awesome), I think I should be able to come up with shit to write about. Also, my weekend starts after 5:30 on Thursdays, so if I don't get to it before my fake class I have that day that THIS is a semester-long assignment for, I'll do it after. But maybe after a nap. We'll see. I've started going to my actual office occasionally to do actual work for my graduate assistantship, so perhaps I can start using some of that time to fuck around on the internet more and bloggity blog blog. Anyway, I keep thinking me and the internet will get back together, but I've really enjoyed our time apart. Even so, the blog needs to get back on the momentum train, so I am officially fishing for compliments to encourage me to get me back to regular writing. Officially.

I can has podcast?

Shortly before the big move and my subsequent (hopefully temporary) absence from the tubernets, the sister called and interviewed me for a podcast they're doing on blogging at the BYU Writing Center.* She asked me some questions about blogs in general and then about my experience writing Blonder and Thinnerrrr and I rambled about much of the crap I have rambled about on this here blog and hopefully didn't turn out too dumb-sounding.** Anyway, the promo is up and features some of my awesome awesomeness regarding blogging. I'll let y'all fans know when the actual p-cast is up. *'Cause I'm totally, like, an expert, and not just conveniently related to her. **I mean, I know I sound like a genius in writing, but Lauren = has never been particularly articulate in real life talking. "So... yeah."

I keep (blog) house

So, what with July being my most prolific writing month to date, the sidebar was getting a little crazy with every single post for the month being listed. Now you will have to click on the month and scroll through the actual posts. But if you haven't already read them all, I'm afraid them's the dues you've got to pay to experience the magic. I thought about hiding the labels because there are 1098768 of them, but I decided against it for now. Also, I added a slightly more identifiable picture of myself (in the sunshine! drinking!) and my email can now be found in my profile. If you have things to say, but are afraid of posting them out in the wide-open webernet wilderness, then you can send them to me through the tubes! Unless you're a creep, in which case you are totally not invited to do so.

BICENTENNIAL POST

You may say, "Lauren, your blog has not been around for 200 years. But after reading post after post about energy drinks, it kind of feels like it."

"Don't be silly!" I would reply. "I just mean it's my 200th post! Hooray!"

We recently wrote a trivia question asking why there are no quarters dated 1975. It's 'cause of the bicentennial, bitchez! Special edition coins! Coin collectors of the universe unite! I don't know why I keep writing exclamations! I think I'll stop now!

So I've been seriously at this shit for about six months, and I'm totally hooked. Though my overpaid desk job will be ending next week, I hope to continue to blog regularly as a grad student/general layabout. Though I will not be making mad cash to fuck around on the internet, my love for all things online has saved my soul from completely crumbling inside my seafoam green cubicle. This is something I will not soon forget. But so even though I didn't quite know what I was going to write about when I really started getting into blogging, I am pretty pleased with what has evolved.

So, my dear, kind readers! What say you? How's it going on your end? What do you like? What do you hate? How many more energy drink reviews or presidential posts do you need to be truly satisfied by my blog content? Comments, suggestions, rave reviews, general congratulations, etc. welcome. Seriously though, could at least one person comment? (Sister, this responsibility may fall to you.) Because I kind of feel like a douchebag when I'm like, "Talk about it in the comments!" And then the comments say, "..... (crickets chirping) ....." Google Analytics tells me that on weekdays around twenty people generally read my blog, so I know you exist. Help me drown out the crickets, and keep reading! More magic to come.

Hooray! John McCain hates bloggers!

Old Man McMaverick is hostile to the interwebs. Beautiful image via Shakesville.

Una bebida energética más: AMP Energy

Dear Lauren, you may say, I have a few concerns to raise with you:
1. These energy drink posts suck and you just will not stop with them
2. I think you have a problem
Love, Your Readers

Dear Readers, I might respond, here's what I have to say to that:
1. Don't care
2. I can stop any time I want
Love, Lauren

Anyway, whatever. I got an AMP at the store (along with some overpriced Sudafed and a new box of kleenex--can you say "allergy season?"). I'm drinking it now. I'll maybe post about some other stuff (I've got a bunch of good linkity links), but I've got to do this while I'm experiencing it. Do you understand, people? Luckily, this is a Pepsico product, and as far as I know, they don't torture union leaders in Colombia.* Also, the can just informed that it contains two servings. Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahha. Anyway, here 'tis:

AMP ENERGY "SUPPLEMENT" (comes in 16 0z. liquid form)

TASTE: ****/5 Because it's pretty much Mountain Dew, and I have actually come to kinda like the taste of Mountain Dew. Also, guarana is tasty and apparently contains five times as much caffeine as coffee beans.

FOLLOWTHROUGH: **** Perhaps it's because I'm drinking "two" servings of it, but I was pretty drowsy an hour ago, and I'm feeling pretty perky now. The website claims it will keep me "connected and on top of [my] game at all times." I'm totally on top of this game. I might even do some of the work I actually have to do today. Hopefully I don't crash before I go home again like I did yesterday, but there are worse things in life, I suppose.

TEMPTATION TO DO SPEED: *** Pretty much.

OVERALL RATING: 3.67/5 asterisks

Not bad. If you like Mountain Dew, you'll like this.




*OMG I'm reading Naomi Klein's The Shock Doctrine right now (which is awesome, BTdubs), and this totally fits into everything I've recently learned about how Milton Friedman, the CIA, and the U.S. in general pretty much fucked over the entire developing world. No workers' rights for you, silly! What are you, a communist?

I had fake work today!

So I had a work conference today that involved sitting through various seminar-lecture-y things, which was boring except for that I knew I didn't really need to pay attention because of that whole "I'm quitting this job in two months for awesome, awesome grad school" thing. And then we did some mini-golf. And then there was free booze. And then my kind, kind coworker gave me a ride home so I didn't have to ride up a steep, steep hill in my tipsy state. You know what happens when you talk to you people? You make friends. Perhaps my previous commitment to misanthropy was slightly misguided. Or maybe I'm just a lot less depressed now, so I'm open to being sociable and meeting people. But I just feel like I've recently discovered a lot of cool people out there: not people that I previously thought were lame or anything, but just people I'd never paid much attention to or randomly met because we were both at a concert and I was alone. Alcohol facilitates this bonding, I must say. But talking to strangers/vague acquaintances can be fun. This gives me confidence for the upcoming move. Which is a good thing, especially as someone has a history of tragically (almost comically, considering how awesome I actually am) low self-esteem. But I'm not at work, so I really have no patience for sitting here and doing a real post. This is just an "I'm aware it's Monday and I should be posting" post. But work + alcohol = wish I could do it during the day every day. It would make my life so much better. Except in that whole "wow, when did I become an actual alcoholic?" sort of way. I'll be out of conferencing tomorrow afternoon with a post of more substance (hopefully). I hope everyone had a fine weekend. I actually did a large amount of sleeping, which means hooray! the Prozac is working. One of these days, I will make videos of my songs (as per Neely and Matty's suggestion/request), including my awesome (if I do say so myself) love song to my anti-depressants. Happy Monday evening, dear readers!

You guys are all looking a lot blonder and thinner these days...

HEY KIDS-

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS MY 100TH POST? HOW EXCITING!

Ahem.

Sorry about the caps lock. Tracking my traffic, it appears as though I have up to a couple dozen daily readers (about to break 500 with absolute unique visitors, too), which is AWESOME, since I've really only been at this for a few months. But you loyal and indulgent fans/siblings/roommates who feel obligated to check my blog should feel free to use this as an open suggestion thread. Is there any random shit you want me to write about? New features? Have I overlooked your favorite ex-President and/or obscure historical event in Thursday U.S. History Blogging so far? Just let me know. The internet and I are listening.

Love and vodka shots,

Lauren

Nerdy nerd nerd nerdery/blogging

So I use Google Analytics to track my traffic, etc. Because I am a huge dork and I'm interested. If I'm going to be a world-famous blogger, it's important to pay attention to these sorts of things. In fact, did you know, that I had FIFTY unique visitors on March 26?! Probably only like three of those are me on different computers. Apparently, my page comes up under "Al Franken" Google searches, and people are willing to dig through like 8235687687 pages of results to get to me! But anyway, I'm actually getting to a point where some random/awesome keyword searches have been used to find my blog, and I'm going to post a few favorites: -"gloria estefan favorite color" -"hillary clinton favorite cocktail" -"jel pak" (?!?!?!) -"president polk hairstyle" -"badass words that start with a k" -"'facial hair' stereotypes" -"pluggers stupid" Oh, dear Googlers, I hope you found everything you dreamed of. I can only aspire to be the result of increasingly more ridiculous searches. Hooray for the magic of the internet! God I love blogging about blogging.

I really don't know what people used to do at work before the internet

So, I have an Al Franken update and a Sarcasm Part 2 post forthcoming, but I'm not feeling what the Pretentious Ex-Boyfriend liked to refer to as "the inspirado." So, you know, awesome links and such again--all touting the awesomeness that is the blogosphere, and how it manages to seep influence out into the "real world" on occasion.* There's this sweet story about how some people find boyfriends through the blogging tubes. Maybe that's what I should try. I wouldn't have to touch anyone. Shakers in Love. (Shakesville) Then there is the account given by the illustrious Minnesotan biologist/blogger PZ Myers of how he was kicked out of a screening of the (presumably) terrible Ben Stein-supported creationist screed Expelled! He's in it. I actually read about the incident first in The Pioneer Press, which made me really happy. Somebody in their newsroom was paying attention long enough between "investigative reporting" forays onto MySpace (this is not a joke, they sometimes cite it as a source in local news stories) to catch that people are talking about this. Anyway, I love when the blogs spill out of the tubes into traditional media sources, and I can point at the newspaper and say, "I read him! He's awesome!" EXPELLED! (Pharyngula) Okay, that was only two, but what do you want from me? Sign up for Google Reader and subscribe to your own goddamn RSS feeds or whatever if you need more reading materials. *Yeah, I'm blogging about blogging again. Suck on that, "Anonymous" commenter!