Pluggin' Around

Pluggers is a comic that still exists and is still terrible. Let's see what these biological monstrosities are up to!

Pluggers are definitely a bordering demographic to those doomsday preppers who try to live off the grid so TBH, I'm a little surprised Pluggers recognize government-issued paper money and haven't declared themselves Sovereign Citizens who only adhere to the gold standard.

We all know "retire" really means "got a restraining order after you stole a bunch of their prescription pads to feed your massive pill addiction."

I don't think that measly "memory vitamin" is going to dig you out of that near-constant k-hole, Mr. Dog Plugger. Keep trying, though.

 Pluggers don't know how to tie their own shoes.

 Pluggers are on the cutting edge of fashion.

PEAK PLUGGER HAS BEEN ACHIEVED

Shut it down, guys. I can't believe I didn't know until now that the comics page's sloppiest love letter to mediocrity achieved its most glorious moment back on January 27th. I sincerely apologize for slacking on my Pluggers coverage.

There is nothing left to say or do. We've reached peak Pluggers, and of course Pluggers entirely lacks self-awareness and has continued to print more comics each day. But we know. We know.

It can never get more Plugger-y than this.

PLUG IT UP!

The terrible one-panel comic Pluggers is the greatest proof that there is no god. Here are some recent examples why.

DRUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGZZZ.

Is this racist? Sexist? Ageist? I'm not sure, but it seems offensive. Driving a stick shift is not hard, so I don't know why car thieves AS A CLASS wouldn't be able to. I think the real reason he leaves his keys in the car is that no one would ever fucking want to steal that piece of shit pickup that is at least 60 years old and running on fumes and the blood of small children.

Pluggers last had sex during the Carter era, if drunkenly groping each other until they fall asleep counts as "sex" or "getting lucky."

 Pluggers don't understand the passage of time or how quickly pop culture moves.

Pluggers run sketchy, illegal, off-the-books businesses, which makes perfect sense considering their massive drug problems.

 

Pluggers are stubborn cheapskates who are also bad at repairing small kitchen appliances. TRUE STORY: I bought a used toaster for my ex-boyfriend for Christmas approximately 11 years ago for probably $5 at the Goodwill (he was less than enthused about this gift because he didn't want to "collect things" in his dorm room in some pretentious Marxist kind of way) that I ended up taking and still have to this day and it works fine, but I would buy a new one now if it ever died. End of story.

Pluggers: still, like, what?

Pluggers Still Live Lives of Not-Quiet-Enough Desperation

My friend Kash specifically requested a Pluggers rage post, as it's been awhile. Guys, this comic still exists and is still terrible. Here are some recent "high"lights.

All right, well, Pluggers want to/definitely have at least seriously contemplated fucking their cars.

A Plugger will LITRALLY murder you if you sit in his goddamn recliner. Pluggers didn't fight Charlie to be displaced by a coupla good-fer-nothin brats who only want to play their video games all day long.

Um, I think I've done this improv scene. I guess it was more authentic than I thought.

DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS. Pluggers, you need help. There's no possible way you could have that many health problems to need that many prescriptions and still be alive. Either you're zombies held together by strong chemical meds and/or you are in a constant buzzed haze of drug-induced confusion and dry mouth. Which would actually explain a lot of these submissions.

Listen guys, I don't drink coffee, but I really don't get this. I mean, she didn't ask for an iced drink, right? But is this just a "joke" about how before the birth control pill was invented, Chicken Plugger Lady had like 12 kids to chase around by herself because husbands don't do "childcare" and never quite got to her morning coffee until it was cold? Because I'm pretty sure what this younger lady is ordering is, like, full of sugar and cream and shit and not just room temperature shitty instant black coffee you bought at Kroger. Nice touch with the mom capris (or "mompris" as I like to call them) on the Chicken Lady, though. Respect.

Pluggin' Away at Pluggers

I still love to hate this cartoon and sometimes look at a month's worth of panels all at once just to fill up this here blog with ridiculous content. You're welcome/sorry.

Pluggers are boring squares who have just been waiting for their giant humanimal-hybrid bodies to deteriorate to the point at which it is socially acceptable to get prescribed mass amounts of pharmaceutical fun drops and be high as fuck all the time.

That is not a "pretty young girl," she's just a regular member of the plugger cast like you!* I hope it doesn't strike too much of a blow to your self-esteem, dude.

FUCK YOU, OBAMACARE. (I'm guessing this is what this means.)

Unlike the rest of us, pluggers perform the basic assigned duties of their jobs. Aside: when I used to work at a pizza place(/any time I have ever ordered pizza), the manager would just give an estimate as to how long deliveries would take based on how busy we were and how many drivers were working, so I'm pretty sure the idea of pizza in precisely 30 minutes was just a thing in commercials one time in the '80s. But whatever, I am sure pluggers tip like shit (if at all), so I don't know why this pizza dogbro even bothered to hurry.

How can a dog grow a beard?! And why is the chicken lady judging him for not sticking to some 1950s idea of clean cut = professionalism? He stocks the shelves at the grocery store. So does my husband. He has a majestic beard and a Ph.D. Fuck you, plugger lady! Besides, have you seen what's going on with her appearance? I mean, she has weird wobbly nodules on top of her head and what are basically googly eyes behind those glasses.

We know you guys spend six days a week in line at every CVS, Walgreens, RiteAid, Target, and Wal-Mart pharmacy in town trying to quadruple-dip on each of your opiate prescriptions, do you really not have it together enough to step one aisle over and pick up a second heating pad? Fucking lazy, cheap-ass pluggers. Quit complaining!


*Though apparently she's the stand-in for "young woman." Because she's thin and has long eyelashes, I guess? I don't want to think any more about plugger beauty standards. ahadfhiiopwqe

Pluggers is back with more hilarious prescription drug abuse and despair!

Have you guys been like, "What does Lauren think about the latest Pluggers panels?" NOW YOU WILL KNOW. It's still pretty bleak out there, kids.

Pluggers have so many health problems, they have to take pills the size of their giant chicken fingers, I guess. And/or their prescription drug tolerance is so high, they've resorted to crushing up their daily cocktail of pills into one comically large capsule they can tell their grandkids is just a "vitamin."

I'm a notorious non-coffee drinker, but even I know this is sad and gross.

Bitches don't know how to drive or get places and should probably not be in cars at all unless it's in the BACKSEAT, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. For sex. To have sex with them.

Pluggers don't have a lot to live for.

SIGH.

I think Pluggers might just be trolling me now

But SRSLY folks, Pluggers is still a thing. I read the Star Tribune at work to poach the leftover NYT crossword because I think it's just a better paper than the Pioneer Press,* but has more I'm interested in than the actual NYT because I don't take in a lot of NYC theater and also has advice columns. Unfortunately, that also means no daily Pluggers. Once in a while though, sometimes inspired by Sr. Comics Curmudgeon, I remember that it exists and revel in its terriblosity:

Mr. Plugger can't stop eating the canned shrimp cocktail, you guys! Also, the sample lady's hair is so perfect. She is about 60 years old, middle-class and fashionable and white (if dog/bear ladies can be raced) and thought she'd be able to retire in style like her parents did back in the 1980s and never have to work a shitty service job like this again.. HAHA NICE TRY, BABY BOOMER PLUGGER. We all know what you've done to us.

Your hairstylist at Great Clips (no T no shade, that's where I go) is probably roughly 24 years old and first of all was not even alive when the Hamill haircut was a thing. Also, it's time to move on, lady. WAY PAST TIME. Maybe you could update that shit by getting the Rachel or something.**

Because of prescription drug abuse, which we've been over.

Pluggers will all die soon (thank god). But in the meantime, they have MAJESTIC mustaches.

Pluggers acknowledge energy drinks!! If there is some sort of obscure ex-president reference in this panel also, this blog will officially explode. THE END.

*Sorry, St. Paul, we definitely lose this one.
**By the way, I hate myself for making a Friends reference. Feel free to mock me until the end of time.

Pluggerwugger

Oh yeah, I still have this blog. I've been pretty busy not getting a real job or making any progress on putting together a dissertation committee, and also breaking my glasses in half and then breaking my bank account and my credit card to buy new ones, so sorry I haven't been around to amuse you. I think we can all agree that though my life is kind of overwhelmed by important milestones and worthwhile activities right now, Pluggers  is still a beautiful, terrible, easy, easy target.

I don't think I get it. Are her baby and giant baby bag supposed to be "balanced"? Because the bag looks heavier. Or are they talking about how "balanced" it is for ladies to work a shift at work and then come home to the domestic "second shift"? Either way, hilarious! (?)

To give these guys the benefit of the doubt, you have to remember the massive amounts of glue they've huffed together over the years. #BFF #YOLO #AerosolCansFTW

I don't think there are that many jobs (anymore) where people don't call you by your first name. I mean, at least your coworkers do, right? Also, if dead-end service industry jobs full of overly-familiar and entitled asshole customers make you a Plugger, then I suppose all of America are Pluggers now.

Hahaha, Pluggers live paycheck-to-paycheck!

I am a fucking Plugger. Dammit, this was supposed to be fun, not depressing.

Mustache wax?! Look at this fucking hipster.

The Unbearable Pluggerness of Being

It's been some time since I mocked the world's second most easily mocked newspaper comic!* Here's some recent gems.

Pluggers believe that the Cold War is still going on.

Pluggers are resigned to ever-increasing waistlines.**

Pluggers are to blame for the continued presence of Jay Leno anywhere near a television camera. Thanks a lot, Pluggers.

Apparently belts with room to grow are not enough for Pluggers anymore. Pluggers are planning on gaining a ridiculous amount of weight.***

Pluggers are more boring than words can describe. See Leno comments above.

*#1 is clearly Family Circus.
**This is not actually a joke.
***Still don't get it.

Pluggers: even yet, still horrifying

I just wanted to take some time out of editing down a seminar paper to fulfill an answer on my comprehensive exams here to point out something disturbing I saw in the local newspaper during my break this afternoon:

Apparently pluggers are just straight-up trading sexual favors for prescription drugs these days. "Martha Gilbert" isn't even embarrassed about it.

ALSO: Depending on how irresponsible I feel later on, I may or may not be live/drunk-blogging the first presidential debate tonight.

The Wizarding World of Harry Plugger*

Okay, when I saw this in the newspaper, I totally thought that chicken plugger-lady was talking about Voldemort, not "Valumart." Also, those are some cheap-ass paper towels. Don't blow your nose on that shit, it will get chapped. But since Voldemort doesn't have a nose, we can't really expect him to the know the difference, I suppose. I hope there are no allergies in Wizard Hell or wherever he's gone now.

*If you don't start behaving yourselves, I WILL start photoshopping Pluggers/Harry Potter mashups.

At least I'm still not a Plugger

Nobody panic! I am okay. I have not brought about sweet, sweet oblivion with a combination of Gordon's vodka and Benedryl--though I have to say if were going to kill myself (which I never would) I would TOTALLY go overdose. None of this hanging or wrist slashing (I can't even handle giving blood, how would I do that?) or shooting oneself in the head. I'd prefer to just go to sleep, perhaps vomiting a lot beforehand, but how different is that than an unfortunate drinking incident? Anyway, the suicide talk is at least 98% that morbid humor thing I'm into. But I've gotten kind words from a few worried/sympathetic friends which I totes appreciate. I've been watching a lot of Olympics and working on a majestic 2000-piece leopard puzzle from the Salvation Army the past week or so, which gives my life meaning because apparently I am secretly an old lady.

But despite continued unemployment and daily rejections from more jobs I've applied for and am probably way over-educated for but still can't even get an interview for, at least I'm not a Plugger! This is an important mantra. While culling through the last month or so of Plugger panels, I was reminded of god's greatest invention*: The Random Plugger Generator. Go there and press refresh. Do it again. And again! And now, some of my own commentary:

I believe the preferred nomenclature is "Inuit" or "Alaskan native," asshole. Also, that ice cream bar should probably be made of whale blubber or something to be authentic. DETAILS!

First of all, what animal is this lady plugger supposed to be? Dog? Sheep? Camel? Also, with a hairstyle like that, the fact that she is still using personal grooming supplies from the mid-'90s is perhaps the least of her problems.

DRUGS. DUH.

This is horrifying.

Pluggers love gendered divisions of labor so hard.

You also might be a hipster, but clearly the concept of irony is WAY past a Plugger's level of cultural comprehension.

Insert disgusting Plugger stripper joke here. YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR OR MADAM.

IN THE COMMENTS: Tell me how YOU'D kill yourself if you suddenly realized you're a Plugger!


*No, not booze. The Sexy Gay Jesus clearly invented booze.