At least I'm still not a Plugger

Nobody panic! I am okay. I have not brought about sweet, sweet oblivion with a combination of Gordon's vodka and Benedryl--though I have to say if were going to kill myself (which I never would) I would TOTALLY go overdose. None of this hanging or wrist slashing (I can't even handle giving blood, how would I do that?) or shooting oneself in the head. I'd prefer to just go to sleep, perhaps vomiting a lot beforehand, but how different is that than an unfortunate drinking incident? Anyway, the suicide talk is at least 98% that morbid humor thing I'm into. But I've gotten kind words from a few worried/sympathetic friends which I totes appreciate. I've been watching a lot of Olympics and working on a majestic 2000-piece leopard puzzle from the Salvation Army the past week or so, which gives my life meaning because apparently I am secretly an old lady.

But despite continued unemployment and daily rejections from more jobs I've applied for and am probably way over-educated for but still can't even get an interview for, at least I'm not a Plugger! This is an important mantra. While culling through the last month or so of Plugger panels, I was reminded of god's greatest invention*: The Random Plugger Generator. Go there and press refresh. Do it again. And again! And now, some of my own commentary:

I believe the preferred nomenclature is "Inuit" or "Alaskan native," asshole. Also, that ice cream bar should probably be made of whale blubber or something to be authentic. DETAILS!

First of all, what animal is this lady plugger supposed to be? Dog? Sheep? Camel? Also, with a hairstyle like that, the fact that she is still using personal grooming supplies from the mid-'90s is perhaps the least of her problems.

DRUGS. DUH.

This is horrifying.

Pluggers love gendered divisions of labor so hard.

You also might be a hipster, but clearly the concept of irony is WAY past a Plugger's level of cultural comprehension.

Insert disgusting Plugger stripper joke here. YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR OR MADAM.

IN THE COMMENTS: Tell me how YOU'D kill yourself if you suddenly realized you're a Plugger!


*No, not booze. The Sexy Gay Jesus clearly invented booze.