Presidential Debate #3: Because I hate myself

Apparently tonight is "foreign policy" which means there should be plenty of dick-swinging and love letters to The Troops. Can't wait! I can't believe PBS is using TWO lady commentators. Old man Bob Schieffer is moderating this one from Florida. "The questions are mine," so they are all old white man/CBS viewer concerns. The candidates will be sitting at a shared desk a la the VP debate. Bob is telling them about time limits, as if anyone will respect them. Blahblahblah, Kennedy and nuclear USSR 50 years ago.

Romney is rambling about Libya or the middle east in general or something. Stop saying Iran is "four years closer to a nuclear weapon," because THAT IS HOW TIME WORKS. Obama cannot stop time! Al Qaeda threatens "our friends" (COUGH Israel COUGH).

Obama is like, "Let's fight actual al Qaeda, not just all the brown Islams." I'm so glad I've got a bottle of Kila Cava going. Apparently we shouldn't assume that all Libyans are shooting at us. Mitt wants to "go after the bad guys." That is a good strategy. We should talk Muzzles into not liking leaders we don't like, I guess. Mitt is like total BFF with Israel. Too bad Israel is, like, America's only friend now. Obama just called said Mitt wants to reinstate the "foreign policy of the 1980s, the social policies of the 1950s, and the fiscal policies of the 1920s" BURN HARD. "You haven't had the chance to implement foreign policy" BURN AGAIN. Romney just said what Obama said doesn't "happen to be accurate." Ha! Romney just dropped "clear eyes" about Iran and Russia. The boys are arguing about Iraq and remaining troops. Look at Obama loving up on Israel but also given specific plans for stabilizing the middle east.

Syria! Lebanon! Death! I have a hard time listen to Bob's questions because of those newscaster jowel-ets filled with gravitas. Mitt just called Syria a "humanitarian disaster," which, while true, is not really something I thought Republicans cared about. Apparently we should play Big Brother/Incompetent Little Muslim Brother with Syria. Mitt wants Syria to earn an invitation to the U.S. Friends Party. Don't you trash Kofi again, Mitt. Obama explains how Libya and Syria are different. Mitt says no troops in Syria, but let's give their "friendly" new government lots of weapons.

Obama hearts JFK, not the oppression of ladies and religious minorities. Also, has he mentioned hearting Israel? He claims young people in Egypt want the same things as young Americans. Like "roofs over their heads." See? Young Americans already have those since they all LIVE IN THEIR PARENTS' BASEMENTS! (Get it? Economy burn.) Mitt says it's America's "purpose" is to promote peace. The U.S. has 42 friends! Sorry, America, but that's pretty shitty numbers-wise.

What is America's role in the world? Mitt LOVES worldwide freedom and FREE ENTERPRISE. Apparently our role is to strengthen the economy so we can defend human dignity and also capitalism abroad somehow. Mitt also loves money for the military. Obama calls America "indispensable." I feel like some people would like to dispense us. He is talking about how much more the world likes us post-Bush. Let's manufacture the fuck outta some shit here in America. Let's train our workers for the jobs of tomorrow!* WHOA, Obama just said "wisdom" next to Cheney's name. Now Mitt is talking about how much we are missing out on exploiting Latin America while supporting teacher's unions.

I love Mitt's perma-smile/grimace while he watches the President talk. Wait, we should support teachers to make education better? Sounds like communist union mumbojumbo. Bob Schieffer does NOT want to talk about their domestic education plans. Oh, Massachusetts is good at tests! Whatever.

To fund the military, R-$ is going to axe Obamacare and send Medicaid to the states. Obama is like, "Maybe we don't actually need to raise our military funding to 7000% everybody else's yet." Romney knows everything about money because businessmen are NEVER wrong about the numbers. Also, we should totally be able to fight at least four different middle eastern wars at once. Obama doesn't care if we have fewer ships than in 1916 now. "Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets." BIZZAM!"

ISRAEL. America's best friend at the cost of all our other friends. Iran has been crashing parties, acting like a dick, cooking up nuclear weapons, committing foreign policy faux pas like  saying they want to "wiping Israel off the map." We will continue not to invite that bastard to anything. Not even to sit at our lunch table. Romney also wants crippling sanctions on Iran. He thinks they should have put them in place five years ago. Even though it was Bush, not Obama in office them. Romney wants to indict Ahmadinejad because of his words or something? But not Dick Cheney, I'm assuming? Um, now Obama claims that people in IRAN are like people everywhere else too. Then he pointed out that Romney's plan is the same is as his except that, he guesses, Romney would "say it louder" or something. BURN.

If Obama ever says America has made a mistake, he is basically single-handedly enriching uranium and slipping it to Iran in Nalgene bottles under the table. 10,000 spinning centrifuges! Where the fuck will we indict Ahmadinejad? A world court? Don't Republicans hate the U.N and whatnot? Mitt says we haven't dictated, but "freed other nations from dictatorship." Hahahahaha. Obama loves Holocaust victims, so don't even tell him he hasn't paid enough attention to our BFF (BF?) Israel. Mitt claims that Israel would never backstab him because he and the Prime Minister have, like, weekly slumber parties and share all their secrets. Have I mentioned that I hate Mitt's smug little face? Obama is reminding us of 9/11 and how he killed bin Laden. I think I've been hanging out with Isaac too long, because I watched and kind of enjoyed a two-hour documentary about the strike, even though the Beard fell asleep, like, half an hour in.**

AFGHANISTAN. The country with the world's most alphabetic consonant cluster! Romney is rambling about something now. Mr. President, is "pulling out" ever the most effective method? OOOH, unreliable birth control burn! Obama had lunch with a veteran medic in Minnesota. Blahblahblah transition. Mitt doesn't want to divorce Pakistan. Keep your enemies closer, indeed. Pakistan is being irresponsible right now, so Mitt proposes we call up Jeff and have an intervention. Mitt loves drones! Local al Qaeda expert Isaac says Mitt is wrong about the group being "on its heels." Oh, Obama points out that all the good countries are awesome to ladies. Like AMERICA.

CHINA. Obama loves China as long as it plays by the rules. That means they can only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays. I hope this ends soon because I plan on watching the second showing of the premiere of RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race at 9:46. "It's not government that makes business successful." False, Governor. False. China loves that we owe them a trillion dollars. Mitt says America will be VERY strong if he's president. Will he pay China back that trillion dollars? China's stealing all our shit. Down with counterfeit goods! Let's call them currency manipulators! But Mitt DOES "want a great relationship with China." Mitt has a crush! Obama makes a job-outsourcing BURN. I'm bored. Mitt has the sads because Obama insulted him. "My dad was a head of a car company. I like American cars." Insert dog-on-top-of-American-car joke here. Mitt Romney says, "Research is great." Unless companies he doesn't like are the ones doing the research? Obama accuses Romney of "airbrushing history." Also, his face and hair.

Blahblahblah what are they still droning about? Mitt says his wife met someone who was "weeping" about being unemployed recently. How awkward for Ann. Bob Schieffer agrees that we all love teachers. Obama points out AGAIN that MRomz wants to go back to shitty Bush-era policies. Obama will fight for my family! Romface is on about "principles of peace" again. He wants us to have higher take-home pay. He takes home cash from the office each day. Romney sucks the Greatest Generation's dicks now. He claims he will lead us in an "open and honest way." AHAHAHAHA. Yeah, right.

Annnd it's  over. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus. No more of that!


*Food service and custodial work at Disney's Tomorrowland.
**Not like this channel's take, which is U.S. military porn/propaganda.

Lauren Live Blogs Oven Mitt v. O-Bombz

With drinking, of course!

I arrive home from class to start live-blogging the SOTU 20 minutes late

Obama's talking about steel mills. Take a drink!

Does anybody else think Boehner looks like Biden's tan evil twin? Isaac thinks they look like good and bad angels on Obama's shoulder.

China is beating us, take a drink.

Boehner is kind of blending into that chair.

Somebody tried to start a Facebook applause. Nice try, John McCain, we all know you and the internet aren't friends.

Obama loves science! Boehner, not so much.

"We're not just handing out money, we're issuing a challenge." I will accept that challenge, as long as you hand me some money.

I'm trying to figure out how much Boehner tans. He's not as tan as the lady on My Strange Addiction who tans three times a day, so I'm guessing 1-2 times daily.

Why does Obama hate our poor oil companies so much? Siding with the terrrists. The Energy Secretary refuses to look up, Isaac thinks he's on his phone.

Boehner looks like somebody forced him to go to his little sister's band concert.

Obama just insulted football in favor of science nerds! So unAmerican. Isaac's calling this a plan for "Nerd Nation." I support this.

Schools, education, blahblahblah.

God, there are so many white dudes in suits here.

South Koreans respect their teachers. What's that about? My students have not gotten that memo.

Fucking Baby Boomers ruining America with their aging and retirement.

Isaac: "Lots of humanities funding on the way." SRSLY. What is this science and math nonsense?

He's talking about illegals in our schools! Get 'em out! John McCain looks SO skeptical about addressing illegal immigration

Isaac claims that Boehner and McCain are going to have a "grimace-off."

China's beating us at TRAINS. The Chinese built our railroads a long time ago, how are they winning now?!

Harry Reid supports infrastructure. I'm not going to lie, I like the sound of this high-speed rail shit.

I love Nancy Pelosi's response to Obama's airplane "pat-down" joke.

I think Obama wants farmers to sell crates of beets on ebay.

Lobbyists have rigged the tax system? I find this hard to believe.

I find myself agreeing with Orrin Hatch's perplexed look at this "lowering corporate taxes" bullshit.

Is that black guy doing homework? Isaac thinks it's a crossword puzzle. I'm mostly just surprised to see a black guy in the chambers of Congress.

Henry Waxman still looks like Professor Flitwick/Willow.

People are concerned about healthcare?

Obama wants to freeze domestic spending. Michele Bachmann is wearing a lot of eyeliner. "Painful cuts" are ahead! Boehner, not happy about those military cuts. I wonder if his eye-rub just now, was a signal to one of his Republican bros.

Faint praise for the bipartisan deficit commission.

Kathleen Sebelius is looking badass, as per usual.

I love how Biden always looks like he's about to cry. He's not clapping for much. Though he does have the gavel, that should cheer him up.

The stock market IS whimsical. Also, I take a drink for eliminating tax cuts for richie riches.

Obama is going to single-handedly reform the individual tax code.

Man, we are going to "win the future" so hard.

Salmon joke! Even Boehner can't fight the smile.

What?! We're going to find out information on the internet? About government spending? That's crazy! Obama hates earmarks. McCain LOVES this veto promise. Who did Biden just give a thumbs up? I must know!

Does anybody else miss the days when all the president talked about was terrorism while stumbling over big words? I get way drunker while watching those speeches, but mostly just to keep from crying.

The brave men and women who left the theaters of war with their "heads held high" are the ones who still have heads. And they might be full of PTSD!

Don't end the Iraq War, Obama, it's my favorite! Oh hey, remember Al Qaeda?

I don't want no American Muslims in my American family! Al Franken does, though.

The Taliban apparently uses strangling as its main MO. Afghanistan needs to shape up. The Joint Chiefs are looking pretty skeptical.

You need to get it together, too, Pakistan.

Oh, we're awesome for reducing nuclear proliferation. HRod Clinton nods authoritatively. I have a crush on her, have I mentioned that?

John Kerry doesn't look pleased to be sitting next to McCain. Is that the special "failed presidential candidates" area? I hope it's roped off and named in honor of Adlai E. Stevenson. Right?

Long standing ovation for soldiers! Go Americahhh! Some of our soldiers are gay? Since when! Those military dudes are NOT clapping or responding to this. I'm not going to lie, I almost get a little bit verklempt about the repeal of DADT. If A&E were producing this program, I totally would cry.

Biden knows ALL ABOUT arguments. Democracy IS messy. More cheers for America, despite this, apparently. That's what undocumented workers are for; cleaning up after democracy.

This IS a country where anything is possible. Have you seen Lady Gaga's outfits? Also, Biden is from Scranton! Boehner gives him an awkward handshake. Boehner's dad owned a bar! Also, he got choked up about it, which makes me not hate him as much just for a minute.

Some guy named Brandon saved those Chilean miners. I dislike his facial hair, but good for that guy's small business. Isaac's heart was warmed. GAY. (Feelings are gay, obvs.)

I do like the IDEA of America. Obombs just gave a pretty buddy-buddy handshake to Biden.

Brian Williams is talking about the commingling of the parties in the audience. Nobody yelled at the president from the audience this year, sadly.

Quote o' the Day: Goddamn Liberals Edition

This weekend, I had one of the most harrowing experiences of my life: I had NO INTERNET all weekend. By which I mean the free wireless provided by my landlord was experiencing a weekend-long OUTAGE because of "updates." I had to LEAVE MY HOUSE and walk or ride my bike the one or so miles to campus to check my email. Good god. Anyway, it's been horrific. Now I know what living in the Global South must feel like. Anyhow, at worky work now and slacking a bit (shock). Saw funny funniness from the Jesse Taylor on the webz:

Were you aware that not-so-secret Kenyan Muslim Barack Hussein Obama is also the evilest man alive?

I will bet you were not, because you were too busy tracking down a good source for organic tofu and gangbang pornography for your alternative Fourth of July, which will be held on the graves of American soldiers. Naked. Being a liberal is so awesome.

Hachacha. Go for to read what President Barry is doing to destroy America today in full: That This Is Completely Unverified Only Adds To Its Credibility(Pandagon)

"Barack Hussein Obama" is a surprisingly versatile name

Is finals. Had to finish Daria/postfeminism paper tonight. No history post. Sorry. Awesome Emily comics instead: Obamanagrams.

I saw Barack Obama on my TV

I just caught the end of the joint congressional session speech by President Pretty Face and Pretty Words Obama. That little girl sitting next Michelle Obama that wrote a letter about how crappy her school is made me tear up when the president talked about her. I am sappy. Also, Rahm is sooo Josh Lyman. That is all. BOBBY JINDAL LIVEBLOG!! He has a creepy grin. Happy Mardi Gras, BTW! Come spend your money in the Louisiana economy! Lip service to everyone loving Barack. "Bobby, Americans can do anything," said his Indian father. Bobby Jindal has a candy cane tie! "Let me tell you a story..." Okay, Bobbo! This speech is overly-rehearsed. Fake laughs galore! "The strength of America is NOT found in our government," which is why he works for it. He is strengthless. Flag lapel pin, check! He's a real American. "Instead of monitoring volcanoes, Congress should be monitoring the eruption of spending in Washington." SO. TRUE. Volcanoes are fake and totally non-threatening. Spending is serious business. Isaac: "This guy obviously hasn't seen 'Sicko.'" Louisiana is a "she" and has totally awesome ethics. DANGEROUS ENEMIES STILL SEEK OUR DESTRUCTION. Has he mentioned that Americans can do anything? "We look for hope in different places," like giant corporations and rich white people except for me, a rich (-ish at least) Indian guy. Those Republicans from before are totally not the same Republicans as now. Totally. The American Spirit sounds like an asshole with all his douchey "triumphs." Super fake smile.

Things That Are Good

Via Shakesville, the Radical Gay Agenda finally reveals its sinister recruiting methods: Also, I can has juxtoposition? (Feministe) Also, BEST. CARTOON. EVAH. I can't wait until I'm nine months pregnant and sneaky Barry Hussein shoves me into one of those profit-raising machines known as women's "health" clinics. BTW- fetuses can't be waterboarded. They live in a womb. WTF?

A Prayer to the Ohio Gods of Electronic Voting*

Dear Ohio Diebold Early Voting Machine and the Powers that Control It: I waited for 1.5 hours to stick my plastic card in you and push some buttons on a screen to vote for Barack Obama and a bunch of Ohioans I've never heard of. It would be nice if you would go ahead and not be a dick and count my vote. I know you get your rocks off of disenfranchising, but I am WHITE.** But seriously. I'd really like it if we could try not to fuck this one up. You seemed like you were working as I printed the separate pages into the machine or whatever, but I just can't be sure. The only way I won't be mad at you for not counting my vote is if Dennis Kucinich somehow ends up being elected President of Ohio. He is adorable and elf-like. Am I right or am I right, Diebold Machine? Love and shots of patriotic liquids, Lauren *No offense, Sexy Gay Jesus. You know I love you. Also, my friend Cynthia totally said your name instead of "god" during the Pledge of Allegiance at the Biden rally, which, you'll have to admit, is pretty awesome. And most definitely a first. **Just kidding! People of all races and ethnicities should be at equal risk for disenfranchisement.

More delayed post-debate update

Via Pandagon, I can has funny Barack Obama video:

glumbert - Barack Obama Talks To Himself

"His answer was pretty much retarded. What's the Straight Talk Express? A short bus?"

I Hate John McCain: A Rant, Or: In Which I Get All Liberal and Elitist on Your Ass

I don't "hate" you, I just want to "control" you. Super-scary photo via Shakesville.

In what is sure to be a shocking revelation, I'd like to officially state that in my objective opinion (totally not an oxymoron): JOHN MCCAIN SUCKS. You may say, "But Lauren, shouldn't we be trying to raise the level of our political discourse by engaging in substantive discussion of the issues and not resorting to ad hominem/feminem attacks?" And I would reply, "Hominem? What is that--gay or something?" And then you would cry. But ANYWAY, so John McCain. Crazy, angry, old, belligerent, geographically unknowledgeable, etc. Let us count the ways: 1. JOHN MCCAIN HATES WOMEN He thinks our "health" is being used to promote the "pro-abortion" agenda. Whereas I think his espousal of "pro-life" beliefs are really just the same old "misogynist bullshit used to control women's sexuality up to and including putting our physical and mental health at serious risk and forcing us to become pregnant and give birth against our wills." But whatevs. My lady parts are probably causing me to lose control of my emotions again. And we all know that I've got mental "health" issues already, so I should probably just be sterilized to play it safe. Or maybe if I just got married and started having lots of unprotected sex and getting pregnant, motherhood and wifery would make everything ALL BETTER. Also: WTF IS A "FAILED ABORTION"?!! Does this happen? Is it common? How is it even possible that such a rare and unlikely medical situation should be subject to national legislation? All about the "babies," eh? More like "all about the keeping women from full bodily autonomy and/or any agency or choices at all." Ahem. Fuck you and your scare quotes around the concept of women's "health," John "Maverick" McCain.* 2. JOHN MCCAIN AND HIS CAMPAIGN ARE A-OKAY WITH (BEING) RACIST ASSHOLES Not that he or Sarah Palin or the Republican Party have ever tried to appeal to the most hateful, ignorant demographic of U.S. citizenry by implicating that Barack Obama is a Communist/terrorist/Muslim/unpatriotic/scary black dude or anything. Nope. Not a-once. 3. JOHN MCCAIN IS A RAGE-AHOLIC Watch and cringe (via Crooks and Liars): 4. JOHN MCCAIN WILL PROBABLY HOOVER IT UP OVER THE ECONOMIC CRISIS

Will not someone provide cigarettes for these poor children?

See Jesse Taylor on how this "Joe the Plumber" nonsense is really evidence of a) a poorly-run campaign and b) the Right's continued attempt to get working- and middle-class Americans to vote against their own interests. John McCain hates you (us) almost as much as he hates women, affordable health care, and taxes.** And while I have to say that I am pleased to be somewhat sheltered from this economic collapse of the whole world or whatever by being a poor graduate student who wouldn't have any money anyway, it would be nice if we could try and fix it for the sake of, well, pretty much everybody else. And me, when I'm done with school. Or if I'm ever to afford groceries. Now it's your turn! Name all the reasons you think John McCain would be the worst thing for America since the last couple of elections' winner. *See previous. **For rich people.

Sexy Naked Workout Videos, Jesus Wants to Be Your Boyfriend, and My Neighbor Is a Bad Singer

-So, a couple of weeks ago Thrift Store Champion and I were hanging out with some friends at their house, when suddenly they subjected treated us to some of this magic. Yes, my friends: The Da Vinci Body Series for Men. It's hard-bodied dudes working out. All naked-like. This video tape was from the mid-nineties, had terribly dubbed-over exercise instructions, and it was so, so hard to look away. It may have been partly due to imbibed substances, but we watched that entire video (it's like an hour long), and were incredibly thrilled to find out that it is part of a series. Highlight: when Jason said of the one Asian guy, "He's so diverse!" -Also from the early-to-mid-nineties: the stock photos on this fabulous Jesus website. "Where is that one special relationship?" I saw a commercial on the teevee for this website, and I had to check it out: 1-888-Need-Him. And I quote:

We've all felt these things. In such moments, you know there's something missing, something wrong in your world. You know there's a relationship you don't have that you're supposed to have. At times you may have felt you have found it, perhaps in a love relationship, but that feeling never seems to last.

Every relationship leaves you with this hole in your heart. Something isn't right, but we just can't find it or fix it. But it doesn't ever have to be that way for you again. There is an answer to your search.

I know! It's called Prozac! Or quit dating people who suck! Whatevs. Anyway, the site features different pictures if you decide you want to tell a lady about Jesus. "Alone? A perfect friend is waiting to meet YOU." God, it had better be The Sexy Gay Jesus, or I want my money back! Unfortunately, I don't have the outdated technology required to "Watch It!" or "Hear It!" because it looks like there are some good talks like "Sleeping Around" or "Titanic,"* presented by people like this lady. Also, I found a link to a fun new blog by a Christian lady named Peggie whose main webpage features some midi hymns. This week on her blog she ponders what a Christian should do on Halloween, what with how it "has turned into dark occultic activities opposite from the Light-giving God we serve." I like the evangelical option: candy + religious tracts = happy trick-or-treaters all around! Unless they're, like, Muslim or something. Like Barack Obama.

-Have I mentioned that my next-door neighbor sings Jesus music often in the morning? For a few weeks, it was like clockwork right before 10:00 a.m. every day: off-key but inspirational. But then ONE MORNING I heard her singing along to something not-so-Christian on the radio (that is a totally edited--though still quite sleazy--video, and I actually kind of liked the song's premise when I thought it was a woman singing about receiving cunnilingus, but now I've realized my neighbor's bad vocals covered up the fact that it's just some shitty guy band).

*How up-to-the-minute!

Presidential Debate #2 AKA watch Lauren's coherence dissipate over the course of the evening

Exciting live-blogging! I will be drinking! And typing! And making all sorts of enlightened comments about modern American democracy! With egregious sins against the English Punctuation Gods!!(!) George Stephanapolous wins the "adorable newscaster" award! Charlie is here at BGSU, hooray! Brokaw has so much fucking gravitas. Apparently the world has collapsed since 12 days ago. How did I miss that? Barack just told us we are in the Second Great Depression, pretty much. Way less cooler than that Second Holocaust McCain and Palin keep talking about. McMaverick should read Ezra's post on Keynesian economics, what with it being all Depress-y right now. This is way less hilarious than anything involving Sarah Palin. John McCain insulted Tom Brokaw. John McCain is going to newscaster hell. Black undecided voter! Take a drink! He is very nicely dressed. MAIN STREET. Drink! Suspension of campaign! Just accused Barack of having cronies (I think he means "homies"). Thrift Store Champion doesn't think McCain has knees. There is something quite weird about the way he walks. Totally "tottering" like a small child. Making out is way more interesting than this debate. I think John McCain walking like he does toward the questioners would give me nightmares. Drink to Lieberman! Also, oblique "maverick" reference. He's getting closer to the audience members! Scary! I think he got stuck on his "energy independence" setting. That is the silver bullet for the economy, apparently. John McCain looks like a troll! He moves like a puppet from The Dark Crystal. Lieberman! Terrorism non sequitur. I BRIEFLY ACCIDENTALLY NAVIGATED AWAY FROM CLEVER COMMENTS AND LOST SOME OF THEM: Oops! Perhaps it was the advent of this glass of Maker's Mark on the rocks. McCain is telling us Obama's secret: his tax increases will increase taxes. He wants to double tax credits for kids. Better start having more babies, middle class! Brokaw won't let Obama respond. Internet question instead! Straight talk express lost a wheel!! Obama is so clever. He wants small businesses to have health insurance. What is that about? Oh my god, John McCain did a creepy old man laugh. Apparently reforming Social Security is an easy fix. Also, Barack Obama is not a MAVERICK. Obama loves stealing money from Americans. "Our best days are ahead of us!" CLIMATE CHANGE QUESTION. Lieberman! Nuclear power. Obama says, "Make it be safe blahblahblah" but John McCain was TOTES on navy ships with a nuclear reactor and he never got killed in a meltdown! John McCain is writing with a sharpie. His notes are PERMANENT. McCain is talking about "goodies" in bills. John McCain hates goodies. Also, he called Barack "that one." Health care as a commodity. God, I wish I were watching this debate with Karl Marx. McCain doesn't think Obama should mention the government. Let's give Americans choice, except the uterus-Americans. Health care: privilege, right, cor responsibility? McCain: responsibility. God, he hates the government mandating shit. Obama: right. Hello, right answer! I fucking hate health insurance. My student coverage is even worse. Some wimpy "peacemaker" just asked a question of "Sr. Sen. Warmonger McCain." Gave Obama a "death stare" about being inexperienced. "There are a lot of things I don't understand. I don't understand how we ended up invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11." Dear Barack Obama, Why do you make sense? Love, America. OBAMA DOCTRINE?? We should maybe not let genocide happen so much. Could we please stop alienating our allies so much? "That requires a cool hand at the tiller." John McCain DOES NOT EQUAL a cool hand. Oh, he stood up to his hero Ronald Reagan. Good for you, McMav. Military servicepersons are totes his top priority. Holocaust DRINK. Pakistannnn. John McCain wants to fuck Teddy Roosevelt. Apparently we shouldn't warn countries that we might attack them, we should just do it. Let's all watch Charlie Wilson's War and compare the historical record to the bullshit McCain is saying. Brokaw is just the "hired help." Love. Him. Oh my god, I think John McCain is going to physically attack Obama. McCain will GET OSAMA BIN LADEN, but he will not "telegraph his punches." John McCain is too old to know about the telephone! McCain: "We're not going to have another cold war... with Russia." Huzzah! Cold War with Iran '09! Thrift Store Champion said of "naked aggression": "Is it wrong that that's kind of hot?" YES. YES IT IS WRONG, YOU FREAK. No one should ever have bright red carpet. Que ugly. John McCain just claimed he could single-handedly "ignite" the new Cold War. I'm drinking to the veteran with an Israel question. Jinx with John McCain with "Thank you for your service." SECOND HOLOCAUST. Barack Obama says pretty things about the American dream. Michelle Obama is fucking hot. John McCain admits that he cannot tell the future. Advice to McCain: don't talk about Americans not being able to find things on maps, mmkay? Geography not exactly your forte. Ahh Cindy McCain is scary!! Bright blue craziness. Does she have a wig? She and Heidi Montag are remarkably, frighteningly similar.

I am so just as funny as Jon Stewart

Via HuffPo, I get to see Jon Stewart using the same exaggerated German accent I announced "Vulf Blitzah!" with every 15 minutes to try and get through the 2004 Presidential Election returns on CNN without crying.* Here, you try saying "Wolf Blitzer" without a ridiculous accent. Can't do it, can you? Too much fun. Also, he talks about that New Yorker cover nonsense. *Has it actually been that long since I started caring about politics? Vulf Blitzah!

Work: Do not want. Links: Will post instead.

I have kind of generally ignored Lily Allen except to know that she drinks a lot (a kindred spirit!), but I've kind of been hooked on this song since it came up on my Pandora* Metric station recently: Still behind on blog-readin' since my vacay, but here's some good 'uns I've seen: -Pandagon's fabulous proprietress produces regular columns and podcasts for the inimitable reproductive justice site, RH Reality Check. Her most recent column addresses the fact that pharmacists discriminating against women who are trying to obtain birth control get their BS arguments about "protecting our religious rights" listened to because nobody really cares that much when women get the short end of the stick. I mean, why should ladies get to have teh sex without getting teh babeez? Freedom's Just Another Word for Punishing Women. (Amanda Marcotte at RH Reality Check) -And speaking of teh babeez, once we force women to have them, we shouldn't ever let them out of the house or give them any help whatsoever in caring for them. Because, that's like, against America's Jesusiest values. Jesse at Pandagon highlights how radical anti-family man Barack Obama wants to help provide "early childhood education" and "after-school" programs that would allow mothers (and fathers, I guess, not that they have anything to do with it, and they're probably not around anyway because bitches be sluts who are constantly emasculating their men) more options and flexibility in their work schedules and might be "beneficial" to children or something. Whatevs. READ: The Childcare Boogeyman. (Jesse Taylor at Pandagon) -The amazing Babysitters' Club-loving Kim puts some words to an unspoken resentment of "cool" Stacey and her "New York" fashion. Claudia totally wins any style competition, duh. Choice quote:

I know when I open a Stacey-narrated book that Claudia will not receive the sycophantic attention she so rightly deserves.

I resent Stacey on Claudia's behalf.

This is not mentally healthy, I know.

If you were ever BSC-obsessed, and you have yet to check out the magic, do it NOW: #13: Goodbye, Stacey, Goodbye. (What Claudia Wore) -God I love William K. Wolfrum. He takes on assholes who write dating advice columns that consist of 97% stereotypes and 3% other bullshit. OMG:

"First of all, the most important thing is this - male online dating columnists share an extraordinary amount of traits with douchebags," said Dr. Sven Barrimore. "While this was assumed, we were truly unprepared by just what douchebags these guys really are."

New study shows that male Online Dating Columnists are "huge douchebags". (Wolfrum at Shakesville) *If you're into music at all and you spend any significant amount of time at a computer, Pandora is your best friend. I've found like 472 new artists through it that I really like whose CDs I've compulsively bought off of Amazon just recently.

Quote o' the Day: Scary Black People Edition

"You know what’s really nonthreatening to white people? Being a black dude running for president and writing two separate books about how you’re black. Other things that are nonthreatening to white people: puppies." -Jesse Taylor of Pandagon in response to Ralph Nader's recent odious and racist comments about Obama

Joe Soucheray still unspeakably lame. Also, kinda racist.

Yeah, he went there.

Remember Joe Soucheray? You don't? Oh, well, you're lucky. Unfortunately, we have a subscription to The Pioneer Press and his bullshit gets delivered to our front door a couple times a week. Usually I skip it in favor of everything found in the Life section (Reading the actual news is depressing/the stories are obsolete by the time I get home from work in the afternoon. And besides, that is what the internet at work is for.). Oh, but yesterday I had the pleasure of spotting the Doucheray's latest journalistic gem: A little dap will do it for Obama and his wife. I'll let you in on some nuggets so you don't actually have to go read it:

And then, here in Minnesota, in the middle of a hockey rink, Barack and Michelle gave each other a little dap.

That's what it's called when you and another person bump fists. I know this because I am a big fan of Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings* and I have also looked up the etymology of the word, which pundits around the country would have been well advised to do because they called it a fist bump in their analysis.

A few observations: I thought maybe "dap" was a word Joe Soucheray had maybe overheard once on the teevee and was misusing. But I investigated his claims, and apparently the fist bump is the simplest form of dap. Right, but it's still a fist bump. See the ultimate authority for a proper definition, friend. I think it's pretty obvious that Joe Soucheray should not try and expound on the technicalities or intricacies of popular cultural phenomena, am I right? I agree with him (thought it pains me to type those words) that the moment was cool. Also, ADORABLE. They are both so fucking hot and they are obviously totally still way into each other. But here's the deal: Joe Soucheray must be one of those "colorblind" conservatives, because he manages to never mention the fact that the fist bump, though co-opted into mainstream white/youth culture, is a black thing. Culturally. Historically. I think he's seriously remiss in omitting that from his "etymology." Because I'm a-just sayin', that if the Clintons fist-bumped it would look totally staged and tacky and, dare I say, minstrel-y. Not just because they're white, but because they're my parents' age. That would not do. Anecdote: I remember being confused by the fist presented to me by one of the two black members of my junior high choir. Though I quickly figured out how to pound, she did (justifiably) laugh at me in the meantime.

And now I wonder, parenthetically, am I going down some sort of weird Jimmy the Greek road because I am assigning to certain people a special ability to capture coordination and grace?

Not just "certain" people, asshole. The problem lies with judgments about certain GROUPS of people. Good thing there's not, like, a stereotype floating around in our cultural consciousness or anything about stuff like this.

Whatever, this guy has a good analysis of the whole thing (esp. regarding youth appeal). Joe Soucheray would probably tell me I'm racist because I think it's okay for the black guy.** Joe Soucheray would be wrong. I'm not saying I'm not racist (though I don't want to be), but I don't believe any of that "reverse racism" bullshit conservative bigots are always spouting off about. Someone like Soucheray trying to talk about a dap/fist bump as if it's something he knows all about is just laughable. And I say this as someone who is both white and uncool: it's embarrassing when older people try to use the lingo and discuss what the cool kids are doing. Okay?

Oh, and this:

If these two make it to the White House, I know who they should book for the dance, and it's not Hootie and the Blowfish or Bruce Springsteen, if you know what I mean.

I think he means BLACK MUSICIANS.*** Don't get me wrong, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings totally rock my socks, but seriously, Joe Soucheray. I guess they're an acceptable compromise for him, because he's really not a fan of hip-hop (WARNING: link contains blatantly racist bullshit).



*"I'm not a racist, some of my best CDs are black!"

**I'm not going to lie, I do think he knows what he's talking about because he's black, young-ish (I'm going on the picture and the fact that he is obviously younger than the Doucheray), and not an asshole. And because he knows what he's talking about.

***I know that Hootie guy is black, but whatever.

MoDo is a no-go*

Mauren Dowd's writing gets excoriated on the internet enough for me to know not to bother reading her most of the time. However, her latest column is particularly heinous. The Pulitzer Prize-winning writer christened The World's Most Obnoxious Feminist Concern Troll by some of the awesome ladies of Shakesville, needs her own Bingo game. I mostly only read her column when someone else is bashing it, and though I think this makes me pretty familiar with the terms she uses most, I am not the person to make a MoDo Bingo board. However, I do suspect she's gone the Ann M. Martin "select some key phrases, push a button, and out comes a new column/BSC book." I'm just going to list a few of the obnoxious words and phrases she used in yesterday's column, "She's Still Here!" and suggest that someone break her "Op-Ed-O-Matic" before somebody gets seriously injured:

• "Oh, Bambi" -- directed to Barack Obama. Patronizing much?
• "...hadn’t met the Clintons." Even a casual observer realizes that MoDo has an unhealthy obsession. She later describes the Clintons and/or the campaign as "rapacious," "self-pitying," "devilish,"** "vociferous"
• "Barry has been trying to shake off Hillary and pivot for quite a long time now, but she has managed to keep her teeth in his ankle and raise serious doubts about his potency." WTF?!! This is not only a shitty metaphor, but I love the she is able to fit in both basketball and sexual references.
• "Rampaging feminists" re: Geraldine Ferraro. Fuck you, Maureen Dowd.
• "henpecked," "emasculate" in reference to Hillary Clinton and the aforementioned rampaging feminists. I hereby declare the word "emasculate" to be one of the STUPIDEST AND MOST OFFENSIVE WORDS EVER. As if gender is something someone can take from someone else. Emasculate is dead to me. Besides, MoDo calling Obama "Bambi" and commenting on his "potency" does far more to *insert word that is dead to me* him than anything Clinton has done.

Anyway, it's a terrible column. She's not funny, or clever, or any good at being anything but a huge jackass. Maureen Dowd continues to suck. And this is why I don't read her column. *This is almost stupid enough to be one of her headlines. **Who is she, Michael Jackson?

Hot guy with funny accent endorses other hot guy with funny name

"Not in our America, and not in our America when Barack Obama is President of the United States." John Edwards, stop inspiring me to be inspired by other inspirational politicians, I'm DONE.