Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Presidential Debate #2 AKA watch Lauren's coherence dissipate over the course of the evening

Exciting live-blogging! I will be drinking! And typing! And making all sorts of enlightened comments about modern American democracy! With egregious sins against the English Punctuation Gods!!(!) George Stephanapolous wins the "adorable newscaster" award! Charlie is here at BGSU, hooray! Brokaw has so much fucking gravitas. Apparently the world has collapsed since 12 days ago. How did I miss that? Barack just told us we are in the Second Great Depression, pretty much. Way less cooler than that Second Holocaust McCain and Palin keep talking about. McMaverick should read Ezra's post on Keynesian economics, what with it being all Depress-y right now. This is way less hilarious than anything involving Sarah Palin. John McCain insulted Tom Brokaw. John McCain is going to newscaster hell. Black undecided voter! Take a drink! He is very nicely dressed. MAIN STREET. Drink! Suspension of campaign! Just accused Barack of having cronies (I think he means "homies"). Thrift Store Champion doesn't think McCain has knees. There is something quite weird about the way he walks. Totally "tottering" like a small child. Making out is way more interesting than this debate. I think John McCain walking like he does toward the questioners would give me nightmares. Drink to Lieberman! Also, oblique "maverick" reference. He's getting closer to the audience members! Scary! I think he got stuck on his "energy independence" setting. That is the silver bullet for the economy, apparently. John McCain looks like a troll! He moves like a puppet from The Dark Crystal. Lieberman! Terrorism non sequitur. I BRIEFLY ACCIDENTALLY NAVIGATED AWAY FROM CLEVER COMMENTS AND LOST SOME OF THEM: Oops! Perhaps it was the advent of this glass of Maker's Mark on the rocks. McCain is telling us Obama's secret: his tax increases will increase taxes. He wants to double tax credits for kids. Better start having more babies, middle class! Brokaw won't let Obama respond. Internet question instead! Straight talk express lost a wheel!! Obama is so clever. He wants small businesses to have health insurance. What is that about? Oh my god, John McCain did a creepy old man laugh. Apparently reforming Social Security is an easy fix. Also, Barack Obama is not a MAVERICK. Obama loves stealing money from Americans. "Our best days are ahead of us!" CLIMATE CHANGE QUESTION. Lieberman! Nuclear power. Obama says, "Make it be safe blahblahblah" but John McCain was TOTES on navy ships with a nuclear reactor and he never got killed in a meltdown! John McCain is writing with a sharpie. His notes are PERMANENT. McCain is talking about "goodies" in bills. John McCain hates goodies. Also, he called Barack "that one." Health care as a commodity. God, I wish I were watching this debate with Karl Marx. McCain doesn't think Obama should mention the government. Let's give Americans choice, except the uterus-Americans. Health care: privilege, right, cor responsibility? McCain: responsibility. God, he hates the government mandating shit. Obama: right. Hello, right answer! I fucking hate health insurance. My student coverage is even worse. Some wimpy "peacemaker" just asked a question of "Sr. Sen. Warmonger McCain." Gave Obama a "death stare" about being inexperienced. "There are a lot of things I don't understand. I don't understand how we ended up invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11." Dear Barack Obama, Why do you make sense? Love, America. OBAMA DOCTRINE?? We should maybe not let genocide happen so much. Could we please stop alienating our allies so much? "That requires a cool hand at the tiller." John McCain DOES NOT EQUAL a cool hand. Oh, he stood up to his hero Ronald Reagan. Good for you, McMav. Military servicepersons are totes his top priority. Holocaust DRINK. Pakistannnn. John McCain wants to fuck Teddy Roosevelt. Apparently we shouldn't warn countries that we might attack them, we should just do it. Let's all watch Charlie Wilson's War and compare the historical record to the bullshit McCain is saying. Brokaw is just the "hired help." Love. Him. Oh my god, I think John McCain is going to physically attack Obama. McCain will GET OSAMA BIN LADEN, but he will not "telegraph his punches." John McCain is too old to know about the telephone! McCain: "We're not going to have another cold war... with Russia." Huzzah! Cold War with Iran '09! Thrift Store Champion said of "naked aggression": "Is it wrong that that's kind of hot?" YES. YES IT IS WRONG, YOU FREAK. No one should ever have bright red carpet. Que ugly. John McCain just claimed he could single-handedly "ignite" the new Cold War. I'm drinking to the veteran with an Israel question. Jinx with John McCain with "Thank you for your service." SECOND HOLOCAUST. Barack Obama says pretty things about the American dream. Michelle Obama is fucking hot. John McCain admits that he cannot tell the future. Advice to McCain: don't talk about Americans not being able to find things on maps, mmkay? Geography not exactly your forte. Ahh Cindy McCain is scary!! Bright blue craziness. Does she have a wig? She and Heidi Montag are remarkably, frighteningly similar.


  1. Remember that one time our bedroom had bright red carpet?

  2. It was more of a maroon, I think. And it was for, like, fifteen years.