So I made one after all

My skills/knockoff photo editing program abilities are limited, but here's my own version of Oven Mitt Romney:

Immediately make an offering to the Sexy Gay Jesus (booze and rainbows preferred) and report to your polling place to prevent this kitchen accessory from becoming our next president.

I'm almost sorry I moved away from Ohio

I've been reading some poll analysis because I hate myself. You guys, I know. Ohio is the only important state because of the winner-takes-all electoral college shenanigans we engage in every four years. And in a presidential election year, I moved away from Ohio and registered to vote here in Minnesota. I'm sorry my husband and I are going to double-handedly throw this election (possibly maybe according to some people, not all of whom are Newt Gingrich) toward Mitt Romney by wasting our votes in a state that will go blue anyway. Although maybe if we're lucky we can have  a split between the popular vote and the electoral college winner. Though how a majority of any non-millionaire group of people could vote for Oven Mitt is pretty much beyond me. But if for some reason there was no majority and the election got thrown to the House of Representatives, perhaps that would be a wake-up call to the nation that perhaps we should do a little tinkering with the way we do our electioning in this country because, you know, it doesn't make sense. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING, the American people would be as confused as the U.S. Olympic track and field officials last summer and the media coverage would be more breathless and horrible than that time the Lord elected a new pope, and the Republican House would surely vote in Romney because he and John Boehner use the same self-tanner. At least in the Compromise of 1877, we got a sweet bearded president out of the whole deal.

But SRSLY, if Romney gets elected, I don't know what I'll do. I'm too poor/lazy to threaten to move to Canada or something and I'm already drunk all the time, so I guess I'll just have to be sad. Sad, sad, sad. Because I am an overeducated white lady, I will probably eventually be, like, fully employed and stuff, but not with Oven Mitt's help. Though my insurance won't cover birth control, so expect the Romney presidency to be the era where my mother's grandchildren-ful dreams come true and I have to become a stay-at-home mom anyway because money and institutional sexism. I can't wait for my be-Mitted future! Let us all pray really, really hard to the Sexy Gay Jesus for a miracle in the next couple of weeks. Polls are the worst. I hate polls.

In less depressing news, Ann Friedman has some sweet suggestions for low-key Halloween costumes over at the Hairpin. (I actually think the Endeavor one is quite clever.)

Presidential Debate #3: Because I hate myself

Apparently tonight is "foreign policy" which means there should be plenty of dick-swinging and love letters to The Troops. Can't wait! I can't believe PBS is using TWO lady commentators. Old man Bob Schieffer is moderating this one from Florida. "The questions are mine," so they are all old white man/CBS viewer concerns. The candidates will be sitting at a shared desk a la the VP debate. Bob is telling them about time limits, as if anyone will respect them. Blahblahblah, Kennedy and nuclear USSR 50 years ago.

Romney is rambling about Libya or the middle east in general or something. Stop saying Iran is "four years closer to a nuclear weapon," because THAT IS HOW TIME WORKS. Obama cannot stop time! Al Qaeda threatens "our friends" (COUGH Israel COUGH).

Obama is like, "Let's fight actual al Qaeda, not just all the brown Islams." I'm so glad I've got a bottle of Kila Cava going. Apparently we shouldn't assume that all Libyans are shooting at us. Mitt wants to "go after the bad guys." That is a good strategy. We should talk Muzzles into not liking leaders we don't like, I guess. Mitt is like total BFF with Israel. Too bad Israel is, like, America's only friend now. Obama just called said Mitt wants to reinstate the "foreign policy of the 1980s, the social policies of the 1950s, and the fiscal policies of the 1920s" BURN HARD. "You haven't had the chance to implement foreign policy" BURN AGAIN. Romney just said what Obama said doesn't "happen to be accurate." Ha! Romney just dropped "clear eyes" about Iran and Russia. The boys are arguing about Iraq and remaining troops. Look at Obama loving up on Israel but also given specific plans for stabilizing the middle east.

Syria! Lebanon! Death! I have a hard time listen to Bob's questions because of those newscaster jowel-ets filled with gravitas. Mitt just called Syria a "humanitarian disaster," which, while true, is not really something I thought Republicans cared about. Apparently we should play Big Brother/Incompetent Little Muslim Brother with Syria. Mitt wants Syria to earn an invitation to the U.S. Friends Party. Don't you trash Kofi again, Mitt. Obama explains how Libya and Syria are different. Mitt says no troops in Syria, but let's give their "friendly" new government lots of weapons.

Obama hearts JFK, not the oppression of ladies and religious minorities. Also, has he mentioned hearting Israel? He claims young people in Egypt want the same things as young Americans. Like "roofs over their heads." See? Young Americans already have those since they all LIVE IN THEIR PARENTS' BASEMENTS! (Get it? Economy burn.) Mitt says it's America's "purpose" is to promote peace. The U.S. has 42 friends! Sorry, America, but that's pretty shitty numbers-wise.

What is America's role in the world? Mitt LOVES worldwide freedom and FREE ENTERPRISE. Apparently our role is to strengthen the economy so we can defend human dignity and also capitalism abroad somehow. Mitt also loves money for the military. Obama calls America "indispensable." I feel like some people would like to dispense us. He is talking about how much more the world likes us post-Bush. Let's manufacture the fuck outta some shit here in America. Let's train our workers for the jobs of tomorrow!* WHOA, Obama just said "wisdom" next to Cheney's name. Now Mitt is talking about how much we are missing out on exploiting Latin America while supporting teacher's unions.

I love Mitt's perma-smile/grimace while he watches the President talk. Wait, we should support teachers to make education better? Sounds like communist union mumbojumbo. Bob Schieffer does NOT want to talk about their domestic education plans. Oh, Massachusetts is good at tests! Whatever.

To fund the military, R-$ is going to axe Obamacare and send Medicaid to the states. Obama is like, "Maybe we don't actually need to raise our military funding to 7000% everybody else's yet." Romney knows everything about money because businessmen are NEVER wrong about the numbers. Also, we should totally be able to fight at least four different middle eastern wars at once. Obama doesn't care if we have fewer ships than in 1916 now. "Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets." BIZZAM!"

ISRAEL. America's best friend at the cost of all our other friends. Iran has been crashing parties, acting like a dick, cooking up nuclear weapons, committing foreign policy faux pas like  saying they want to "wiping Israel off the map." We will continue not to invite that bastard to anything. Not even to sit at our lunch table. Romney also wants crippling sanctions on Iran. He thinks they should have put them in place five years ago. Even though it was Bush, not Obama in office them. Romney wants to indict Ahmadinejad because of his words or something? But not Dick Cheney, I'm assuming? Um, now Obama claims that people in IRAN are like people everywhere else too. Then he pointed out that Romney's plan is the same is as his except that, he guesses, Romney would "say it louder" or something. BURN.

If Obama ever says America has made a mistake, he is basically single-handedly enriching uranium and slipping it to Iran in Nalgene bottles under the table. 10,000 spinning centrifuges! Where the fuck will we indict Ahmadinejad? A world court? Don't Republicans hate the U.N and whatnot? Mitt says we haven't dictated, but "freed other nations from dictatorship." Hahahahaha. Obama loves Holocaust victims, so don't even tell him he hasn't paid enough attention to our BFF (BF?) Israel. Mitt claims that Israel would never backstab him because he and the Prime Minister have, like, weekly slumber parties and share all their secrets. Have I mentioned that I hate Mitt's smug little face? Obama is reminding us of 9/11 and how he killed bin Laden. I think I've been hanging out with Isaac too long, because I watched and kind of enjoyed a two-hour documentary about the strike, even though the Beard fell asleep, like, half an hour in.**

AFGHANISTAN. The country with the world's most alphabetic consonant cluster! Romney is rambling about something now. Mr. President, is "pulling out" ever the most effective method? OOOH, unreliable birth control burn! Obama had lunch with a veteran medic in Minnesota. Blahblahblah transition. Mitt doesn't want to divorce Pakistan. Keep your enemies closer, indeed. Pakistan is being irresponsible right now, so Mitt proposes we call up Jeff and have an intervention. Mitt loves drones! Local al Qaeda expert Isaac says Mitt is wrong about the group being "on its heels." Oh, Obama points out that all the good countries are awesome to ladies. Like AMERICA.

CHINA. Obama loves China as long as it plays by the rules. That means they can only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays. I hope this ends soon because I plan on watching the second showing of the premiere of RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race at 9:46. "It's not government that makes business successful." False, Governor. False. China loves that we owe them a trillion dollars. Mitt says America will be VERY strong if he's president. Will he pay China back that trillion dollars? China's stealing all our shit. Down with counterfeit goods! Let's call them currency manipulators! But Mitt DOES "want a great relationship with China." Mitt has a crush! Obama makes a job-outsourcing BURN. I'm bored. Mitt has the sads because Obama insulted him. "My dad was a head of a car company. I like American cars." Insert dog-on-top-of-American-car joke here. Mitt Romney says, "Research is great." Unless companies he doesn't like are the ones doing the research? Obama accuses Romney of "airbrushing history." Also, his face and hair.

Blahblahblah what are they still droning about? Mitt says his wife met someone who was "weeping" about being unemployed recently. How awkward for Ann. Bob Schieffer agrees that we all love teachers. Obama points out AGAIN that MRomz wants to go back to shitty Bush-era policies. Obama will fight for my family! Romface is on about "principles of peace" again. He wants us to have higher take-home pay. He takes home cash from the office each day. Romney sucks the Greatest Generation's dicks now. He claims he will lead us in an "open and honest way." AHAHAHAHA. Yeah, right.

Annnd it's  over. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus. No more of that!


*Food service and custodial work at Disney's Tomorrowland.
**Not like this channel's take, which is U.S. military porn/propaganda.

Semi-Live Blogging the Vice Presidential Debate

Who will bore us most? Douchey Gymbro Kirk Cameron-lookalike Paul Ryan?

Or sparkly-toothed serial groper Joe Biden?

I've already started on my inappropriately large wine glass full of champagne. Let's do this thing!

Woot! Lady moderator! Martha just gave them shit about their "little waves" to their families.

Whoa, diving right in to the Benghazi incident! Uncle Joe is doing a lot of pointing and shit-talking about R-Money. Paul Ryan is right that the administration wasn't on-message post-Libya. God, I want to punch Ryan in his big blue eyes. He has SO MUCH gratitude to our troops, even Biden's son.

I wish I could come up with a drinking rule that involves Joe Biden's wry smiles/laughs and head-shaking, but unfortunately I do not feel like dying of alcohol poisoning tonight. Biden called Ryan's statements "a bunch of malarkey"! Take a drink for grandpa-speak! Ryan is going to town on that water. Biden's on defense on Libya.

Ryan draws the line of decency at urinating on Iraqi corpses, but if we're "standing up for our values," anything's cool, I guess?

Either both of these dudes are chiller than Mitt last week, or something about the combination of sitting down to debate and the lady moderator (Can't be seen bullying her! Only government-subsidized-TV-personality old dudes!) is keeping them from talking over each other much so far. Iran blahblahblah. Obama is basically Iran's boyfriend and he likes to sends Ahmadinejad uranium-enriched valentines. Biden just ended a statement with "Period. Period." ..   ..

Ryan claims Iran's centrifuges are spinning faster now. Clearly the Obama administration sent them secret upgrades (through not having strict enough sanctions or something). Uncle Joe is telling us to chill the fuck out about Iran. "Facts matter." Not to the Romney/Ryan campaign! All the cool kids in the Mideast "neighborhood" are going to want nuclear weapons as soon as Iran gets them. It'll be like **insert whatever it is the kids are into these days**!

Oh goody! Unemployment rates now! 47% BAM! Romney tax burn. BOOM! Troops! BIDEN HAT TRICK. Ryan is like, "Scranton has higher unemployment now than in 2008 and you did it to your grandmother with your own two, finely weathered, tan hands, Joe Biden." I love when Joe laughs every time he disagrees with something Ryan says (he laughs a lot). Mitt Romney loves cars and gave some shit to some unfortunate people once (who happened to be Mormon). Oooh, gaffe burn! (One point, Ryan.)

Hahaha, the recession didn't fall out of the sky. Unless by sky, Mr. Biden, you mean "Bush administration policies." What the hell is green pork, Ryan? Is it like green ham? Ryan asked for money for his constituents, though! I like how Biden calls Ryan his "friend."

Medicare and Social Security are supposedly "going bankrupt." DO NOT BELIEVE. It's totally cool to reform entitlement programs for people 54 and below. PLZ VOTE REPUBLICAN, OLD PEOPLE, YOU CAN HAZ SS CHECKS STILL. According to the (2005) book by Al Franken The Truth: With Jokes, this narrative about these programs "going bankrupt" is they are misleading and largely bullshit. Joe references Palin! Joe is like, "Who signs those checks, bitchez?" Too bad Mitt Romney will cancel all future checks for your children and grandchildren (who are all unemployed right now, anyway). I heart when Biden talks to the audience at home. Ryan says Obama's administration loves stealing cookies. Biden tries to interrupt this cookie-themed calumny. Joe Biden is going to have a heart attack because of all of Ryan's lies. Vouchers hurt old people. (Period. Period.)

Dear Paul Ryan,
Please do not destroy Medicare and Social Security for me and my underemployed peers. Shopping for private health insurance is soul-sucking as well as a terrible deal.
Love,
Lauren

Ryan claims Biden's trying to scare old people. Good thing Republicans never try to scare voters!

TAXES. Yuck. Millionaires can be patriotic, Joe? Don't believe it. Joe B. is inciting some class war right now. Remember when I made this picture?

Paul Ryan's snorkeling around somewhere in there.

Ryan claims that taxing millionaires = burning down small businesses. I was about to try to make some sort of small business/Kristalnacht joke, but that would be in poor taste. (Because everything else on this blog is in good taste.) Paul Ryan wants to close loopholes to raise the amount of taxed money on the rich to lower tax rates overall, I guess? Martha gives him shit about specifics and whether or not his math adds up. No time right now. Ryan claims the Obama admin won't work with Republicans. Yep, it's Obama's lack of good faith. Sure, that sounds right.

There's some heated debate over taxes right now. Martha wants your math on defense now, Ryan. Ryan is worried about pre-WWI levels of naval power are scary. Remember the Lusitania, Obama!

Let's talk about our sad wars. I'm going to go refill my champagne now. Paul Ryan's BFF is in Afghanistan. That sucks. Seriously, that sucks. You know who fears a draw down? Afghan women. Now we're talking about The Surge. I don't miss that. God this discussion is stupid. Ryan shows off how many Afghan groups and regions he can name. Joe is like, "The Joint Chiefs love when Afghans fight their own wars." Awkward.

Syria! Oh, Joe is too scared for another war. WIMP. Ryan doesn't want a war there either, but PUTIN RUSSIA UN VETO POWER. Obama's a LOSER for waiting for Kofi Annan--WHAT? WHO DARES INSULT SAINT KOFI OF MACALESTER?

Two Catholic VP candidates! Stupid religion/abortion question. UGHHHHH. Do not want. Because Ryan loves his babies, we should put serious restrictions on ladybusiness. FUCK YOU, on "religious liberty" Ryan. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you. Ryan can talk about abortion and contraception and religion and BARELY mention women. Joe is into Catholic "social doctrine." Joe claims he is personally pro-life, but does not believe it should be a legal/policy issue. HOWEVER, Catholics can fuck anybody they want over concerning contraception!

Campaign ads give American Heroes AKA the Troops the sads. They make me sick, too, but that is how our terrible, fucked up system works. That's also how politics work. Ryan keeps harping on "not having a good record to run on." I don't care about your face. It's a good thing none of Obama's failures are related to the stonewalling of Congressional Republicans!

Okay, it's finally over. Uncle Joe was Uncle Joe. I love him.

Lauren Live Blogs Oven Mitt v. O-Bombz

With drinking, of course!

State of the Union Announcement

Dear America, I could probably cover this by writing on my sister's facebook wall, but here 'tis on the blog anyway: I won't be covering the State of the Union address tonight. Two large reasons: 1) THESIS and 2) I am not drinking right now, and sobriety kind of defeats the whole purpose of watching political speeches. In other news, the state of this blog is kind of on hold until I finish this thesis thing. But I'm done with PhD apps, and have one chapter written, so not all is pain and woe. Enjoy the pretty presidentialin' talking without me. And take a drink every time Nancy Pelosi and/or Joe Biden makes an awesome face behind the president. Loooove, Laurennn

Dear Mr. President but also the Congress:

Hello? Mr. Barack Obama? Messrs. and Mmes. of the House and the Senate? Could I talk to you guys for a minute? So, I was wondering about this "health care" thing you've been working on. See, the thing is, one day I will no longer be a grad student but may not be able to find a job that provides benefits and right now my teeth are rotting from all the energy drinks and I don't have dental coverage and also my boyfriend had to pay with some money he didn't have for some sort of testing that should totes be covered but isn't because student health insurance is crappy AND expensive and I hope to avoid ever having to go to the emergency room for routine (or emergency, obvs) care that I will have to pay for out of pocket and also I don't hate poor people and am also kind of poor, so could you just give us a public option and stop all this pussyfooting* and palling around with your boyfriends in the "health" "care" lobby? Those people are bastards who want to rip us off and you guys need to figure out a new way to fund your campaigns. So, as my pal Julia would say: "Either do it, or don't do it.... But do it." Love and universal coverage because socialism is actually kind of awesome and I know because I went to Scandinavia last summer, Lauren C. For personal documentation, see here. *What is that even supposed to mean? Is it about cats? I'm pretty sure it's misogynist, but whatevs. UPDATE: I consulted the Canadians (who also know a thing or two about health care and also not shooting each other):

pussyfoot → intransitive verb 1. move stealthily or warily. 2. act cautiously or noncommittally.

I guess because pussycats are so stealthy and good at avoiding doing shit... like the Congress!

Quote o' the Day: Goddamn Liberals Edition

This weekend, I had one of the most harrowing experiences of my life: I had NO INTERNET all weekend. By which I mean the free wireless provided by my landlord was experiencing a weekend-long OUTAGE because of "updates." I had to LEAVE MY HOUSE and walk or ride my bike the one or so miles to campus to check my email. Good god. Anyway, it's been horrific. Now I know what living in the Global South must feel like. Anyhow, at worky work now and slacking a bit (shock). Saw funny funniness from the Jesse Taylor on the webz:

Were you aware that not-so-secret Kenyan Muslim Barack Hussein Obama is also the evilest man alive?

I will bet you were not, because you were too busy tracking down a good source for organic tofu and gangbang pornography for your alternative Fourth of July, which will be held on the graves of American soldiers. Naked. Being a liberal is so awesome.

Hachacha. Go for to read what President Barry is doing to destroy America today in full: That This Is Completely Unverified Only Adds To Its Credibility(Pandagon)

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth Are Totally Pluggers (Slightly epic middle-of-the-night finals week procrastination post!)

This video's border is red in remembrance of the blood of Christ John Kerry this guy (ew, sorry). Hey, remember those guys? Well, apparently I can't do ENOUGH remembering! By which I mean, I didn't pay that close of attention back in 2004, at least not until we moved into our sweet campus-owned apartment with cable because one of our roommates was a Wheelchair-American who got sweet preferential housing treatment, but then we religiously watched Jon Stewart every night (and Colbert starting the next year when he got his own show). Although I did vote for Kerry Not Bush. Anyway, last fall I did a project for my War and Gender history class where I got all John Kerried-up and read about 509868976 biographies about him and got obsessed and then wrote a paper about how the Swift Vets totally used Kerry and 9/11 and gendered bullshit to remasculinize their images as Vietnam Vets. It was awesome. At one point, after far too many energy drinks and who knows how little sleep, I composed an impromptu tune called "John O'Neill Is an American Hero." Isaac still remembers it fondly, but my taurine-addled brain cells have only managed to retain a few lyrics that may or may have not gone something like this: "John O'Neill. John O'Neill. John O'Neill is an American hero. Also, did I mention that he gave a kidney to his wife? Yeah, John O'Neill. John O'Neill had a really extreme side part back in 1971. Yeah, John O'Neill. John O'Neill has a bizarre, lifelong obsession with taking down John Kerry. It's actually kind of creepy. By creepy I mean heroic." Anyway, the John O'Neill tune is in the queue for songs to be written as soon as this semester is over oh my god how is it not over yet? I am up reading, reading, reading about SBVT and the 2004 election and trying to figure out how to write a 10-12 page paper for my Theories and Methods of American Culture Studies class about this horrible awesome self-published victory lap book that doesn't just read:

Hahahahaha This book is full of quotes from random conservative blog commenters from 2004 and crappy screenshots from the group's own website. hahahahahaha (Chesnut, 2009). Scott Swett's name is like 'sweat' and he refers to himself in the third person throughout the book. hahahaha Did you know that the "nonpartisan" vets saved America from John Kerry in 2004 by utilizing* that Magical Series of Tubez everyone's talking about (SBVT, 2008)! .... Let's not talk about what happened to the conservative netroots in 2006 and beyond, even though this book came out in 2008. Ha. Ha. Ha. It's really good, I swear (Some Guy at Amazon.com, 2009).

I suppose if I write out the John O'Neill lyrics, that'd take up some more space. Anyhow, I'm going to go back to reading the glowing reviews of the book on Amazon after this and pretend it's legitimate research. You can wait, two more books about the 2004 election! It's only, like 3:30. Paper's not even due until slightly more than 36 hours from now. Duh. Anyway, now I will make fun of some Pluggers I recently picked out for the mocking. I just realized that John O'Neill is probably best friends with Gary Brookins, as Gary Brookings is also an American Hero who would give his kidney to his wife and also Tell the Truth about Lying Liberal Liars who don't understand Real Americans who wear flannel just like Jesus Intended:

Hahahahaha. Women's unpaid labor, right? Love it! Also, why can't anyone in this family find anything? Is it their bear(?) penises that prevent them from doing so, or are they all just too high (as per usual)?

This is because they hope someone will feel sorry for them and hook them up with a fresh prescription. "Oh, my HMO cut me off the pain killers because our plan doesn't cover it, and we can't afford a better one what with us being all working-class and salt-of-the-earth and OHMYGOD do you have any VICODIN?!" That's totally why Pluggers are so diehard in their support of privatized medicine; if we got a government plan, there'd only be one drug company in town: the U.S. Government. All the doctors and pharmacists would have access to the same computer records, and they'd have to try harder to game the system in order to fill their astonishingly well-documented and wanton drug addictions. Or, you know, learn how to use the internet. *Recently, I had a delightful professor tell me that this is a "puff word," and that I should just use "use" over and over again. Or a synonym of "use." You mean, like, "utilize"? This same professor wrote on the same paper--after having written "syntax" next to a number of sentences--"SYNTAX = SENTENCE STRUCTURE." REALLY? It DOES? If only I could go back and retake that semester of English Syntax I had while earning my bachelor's degree in linguistics. That would've really cleared a few things up. WHAT.EVER.

"Barack Hussein Obama" is a surprisingly versatile name

Is finals. Had to finish Daria/postfeminism paper tonight. No history post. Sorry. Awesome Emily comics instead: Obamanagrams.

Inauguration Sensation!

1905 inauguration of Teddy!

So I looked up U.S. presidential inauguration on the 'Pedia, and there's, like, totally a lock on the article so it can't be edited by new or unregistered users. Only well-established internet crazies are allowed to edit until February 8th. Anyway, so President Sparkly Awesome Barack Obama will be sworn in on Tuesday. How exciting for all of America and the world! I thought this would be a good time to share some tidbits about our nation's history of inaugural goodness. Here's the Oath:

I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

And then Jesus-y types add "So help me god." I heard a rumor Barack Obama might say, "So help me Lenin," but he'll probably just stick with Allah.

These days, the inauguration itself takes place at noon on January 20 on the steps of the Capitol in D.C. and the oath of office is administered by the Chief Justice. So we get treated to B-rock repeating after John Roberts in all his overly-tanned smugness. Before the ratification of the totes boring Twentieth Amendment,* presidents were sworn in in March. The first guy to do the oath thing in January was FDR, time #2 in 1937. And at that point it was all like, "Who gives a shit when we swear this dude in, he's going to be president for fucking ever." Although it should be noted that when the 20th of January is a Sunday, they do the swearing-in privately the 19th or 20th and have the big public to-do on Monday. God forbid we not keep the Sabbath Day holy! Literally. God forbids it. The first inauguration to take place in D.C. was Jefferson's first in 1801. They were still working on draining the swamp before that.

FDR, FDR, FDR, FDR. I doubt anyone even bothered protesting.

The ceremony is organized by some joint congressional committee blahblahblah. The USMC band plays their most important gig here. The VP swears in first (pre-1937 this used to happen in the Senate) with a slightly longer and weirder oath, after which the band does some ruffles and flourishes and plays "Hail, Columbia," our old national anthem. I read some interesting things about "Columbia" vs. "America" in my Keywords for American Cultural Studies book this week. Maybe one day I will share them with you. That day is not today, as this history post is already two days late. Anyway, then the President-elect gets sworn in and there's a 21-gun salute (apparently 21 is some arbitrary traditional naval number for heads of state) and the band does "Hail to the Chief." Although I think the best rendition of this song is, without question, when Kevin Kline sings it in the shower in Dave. But maybe I just like naked Kevin Kline. Whatevs. Anyway, Teddy Roosevelt didn't say "so help me god," he said, "And thus I swear." And Pierce "affirmed" rather than "swore." The inauguration also includes a presidential hike down Pennsylvania Avenue, the inaugural address, the post-ceremony luncehon thrown by Congress for the new president, about 150 balls and ten days of partying. Traditionally, the outgoing president attends the inauguration, but sometimes they are dead or bitter or Richard Nixon and don't show up. A couple times it was too cold to have the swearing-in outside (1909 and 1985). Anyway, I'm pumped for this Tuesday! At noon! I'll set my alarm! *This one is lame and about term limits or some shit, and is the bland innards of the Awesome Constitutional Sandwich of the 19th and 21st Amendments (ladies voting, prohibition repealing).

Prehistorical post

No, this isn't a neanderthal post, silly! It's the post before Thursday History Blogging! A few things: 1. Obvs, I'm pumped about the defeat of McMav. I've never been a super Obamaphile, but I am pleased with the results. 2. Fuck you, Californian gay-haters. 3. Via Shakesville, I discovered this AMAZINGLY AWESOME website: Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century. Sweet old photos of mustachioed men. Though there is a bit of beard blasphemy, I will let it go for the sheer nerdy history and facial hair enjoyment.

Joe Biden's ear and my smart friend from college, also singing kids

Last-minute election-related posting.

Blurry picture of snipers on top of the building where I have my history class!

1. I saw Joe Biden on Saturday night. He was freakishly on time (unlike Palin) and was charming and exciting to hear speak. Unfortunately, despite our closeness to the stage, the teleprompter was mysteriously opaque and right in front of his face. I could only see his chin for most of his speech. I didn't get his beautiful famous chompers on film. Digital film, that is.

Jill Biden who is cute and gave it to us straight when she couldn't read her speech and had to start over.

Change-o-philes.

I swear to The Sexy Gay Jesus Joe Biden's head is hidden behind that teleprompter thingy.

Ohio. Heh.

Blurry Biden leaving the stage. Hooray!

2. My friend Dhruva from college is a big smarty pants ("The Next Kofi" we like to call him sometimes) and writes for, like, professional magazines and shit. He got a one-on-one with McMav about U.S.-India relations. I can't believe I know successful people like that. Even if he did have to talk to Uncle Dick Fingers himself. Interview with John McCain. (Dhruva Jaishankar/The Indian Express) 3. Via my friend John's Facebook status, some kids/music/election awesomeness.

Excuses, John McCain's "Dick Fingers", and Disney Villainry Link

My tragically full schedule of last-minute homeworking, going to class, and then napping all day before partying is, frankly, punishing, and I haven't had time to appropriately recap the Lady Maverick party yesterday or do the Thursday U.S. History post (or finish my 2-part series on Mormons and the gays--eek!). Thank god for weekly 3-day weekends for catch-up, amiright? With an acknowledgement of the the heads up from the ladyblogs Feministing and Feministe, I hereby repost Daily Show fabulousness starring Samantha Bee and John McCain's "dick fingers." Remember women's "health"? Hahaha. Also, a tipoff from my newly be-lawyered friend Alison led me to this fine "opinion piece" by America's next First Grinch Lady, Cindy McCain.

More delayed post-debate update

Via Pandagon, I can has funny Barack Obama video:

glumbert - Barack Obama Talks To Himself

"His answer was pretty much retarded. What's the Straight Talk Express? A short bus?"

I Hate John McCain: A Rant, Or: In Which I Get All Liberal and Elitist on Your Ass

I don't "hate" you, I just want to "control" you. Super-scary photo via Shakesville.

In what is sure to be a shocking revelation, I'd like to officially state that in my objective opinion (totally not an oxymoron): JOHN MCCAIN SUCKS. You may say, "But Lauren, shouldn't we be trying to raise the level of our political discourse by engaging in substantive discussion of the issues and not resorting to ad hominem/feminem attacks?" And I would reply, "Hominem? What is that--gay or something?" And then you would cry. But ANYWAY, so John McCain. Crazy, angry, old, belligerent, geographically unknowledgeable, etc. Let us count the ways: 1. JOHN MCCAIN HATES WOMEN He thinks our "health" is being used to promote the "pro-abortion" agenda. Whereas I think his espousal of "pro-life" beliefs are really just the same old "misogynist bullshit used to control women's sexuality up to and including putting our physical and mental health at serious risk and forcing us to become pregnant and give birth against our wills." But whatevs. My lady parts are probably causing me to lose control of my emotions again. And we all know that I've got mental "health" issues already, so I should probably just be sterilized to play it safe. Or maybe if I just got married and started having lots of unprotected sex and getting pregnant, motherhood and wifery would make everything ALL BETTER. Also: WTF IS A "FAILED ABORTION"?!! Does this happen? Is it common? How is it even possible that such a rare and unlikely medical situation should be subject to national legislation? All about the "babies," eh? More like "all about the keeping women from full bodily autonomy and/or any agency or choices at all." Ahem. Fuck you and your scare quotes around the concept of women's "health," John "Maverick" McCain.* 2. JOHN MCCAIN AND HIS CAMPAIGN ARE A-OKAY WITH (BEING) RACIST ASSHOLES Not that he or Sarah Palin or the Republican Party have ever tried to appeal to the most hateful, ignorant demographic of U.S. citizenry by implicating that Barack Obama is a Communist/terrorist/Muslim/unpatriotic/scary black dude or anything. Nope. Not a-once. 3. JOHN MCCAIN IS A RAGE-AHOLIC Watch and cringe (via Crooks and Liars): 4. JOHN MCCAIN WILL PROBABLY HOOVER IT UP OVER THE ECONOMIC CRISIS

Will not someone provide cigarettes for these poor children?

See Jesse Taylor on how this "Joe the Plumber" nonsense is really evidence of a) a poorly-run campaign and b) the Right's continued attempt to get working- and middle-class Americans to vote against their own interests. John McCain hates you (us) almost as much as he hates women, affordable health care, and taxes.** And while I have to say that I am pleased to be somewhat sheltered from this economic collapse of the whole world or whatever by being a poor graduate student who wouldn't have any money anyway, it would be nice if we could try and fix it for the sake of, well, pretty much everybody else. And me, when I'm done with school. Or if I'm ever to afford groceries. Now it's your turn! Name all the reasons you think John McCain would be the worst thing for America since the last couple of elections' winner. *See previous. **For rich people.

Presidential Debate #2 AKA watch Lauren's coherence dissipate over the course of the evening

Exciting live-blogging! I will be drinking! And typing! And making all sorts of enlightened comments about modern American democracy! With egregious sins against the English Punctuation Gods!!(!) George Stephanapolous wins the "adorable newscaster" award! Charlie is here at BGSU, hooray! Brokaw has so much fucking gravitas. Apparently the world has collapsed since 12 days ago. How did I miss that? Barack just told us we are in the Second Great Depression, pretty much. Way less cooler than that Second Holocaust McCain and Palin keep talking about. McMaverick should read Ezra's post on Keynesian economics, what with it being all Depress-y right now. This is way less hilarious than anything involving Sarah Palin. John McCain insulted Tom Brokaw. John McCain is going to newscaster hell. Black undecided voter! Take a drink! He is very nicely dressed. MAIN STREET. Drink! Suspension of campaign! Just accused Barack of having cronies (I think he means "homies"). Thrift Store Champion doesn't think McCain has knees. There is something quite weird about the way he walks. Totally "tottering" like a small child. Making out is way more interesting than this debate. I think John McCain walking like he does toward the questioners would give me nightmares. Drink to Lieberman! Also, oblique "maverick" reference. He's getting closer to the audience members! Scary! I think he got stuck on his "energy independence" setting. That is the silver bullet for the economy, apparently. John McCain looks like a troll! He moves like a puppet from The Dark Crystal. Lieberman! Terrorism non sequitur. I BRIEFLY ACCIDENTALLY NAVIGATED AWAY FROM CLEVER COMMENTS AND LOST SOME OF THEM: Oops! Perhaps it was the advent of this glass of Maker's Mark on the rocks. McCain is telling us Obama's secret: his tax increases will increase taxes. He wants to double tax credits for kids. Better start having more babies, middle class! Brokaw won't let Obama respond. Internet question instead! Straight talk express lost a wheel!! Obama is so clever. He wants small businesses to have health insurance. What is that about? Oh my god, John McCain did a creepy old man laugh. Apparently reforming Social Security is an easy fix. Also, Barack Obama is not a MAVERICK. Obama loves stealing money from Americans. "Our best days are ahead of us!" CLIMATE CHANGE QUESTION. Lieberman! Nuclear power. Obama says, "Make it be safe blahblahblah" but John McCain was TOTES on navy ships with a nuclear reactor and he never got killed in a meltdown! John McCain is writing with a sharpie. His notes are PERMANENT. McCain is talking about "goodies" in bills. John McCain hates goodies. Also, he called Barack "that one." Health care as a commodity. God, I wish I were watching this debate with Karl Marx. McCain doesn't think Obama should mention the government. Let's give Americans choice, except the uterus-Americans. Health care: privilege, right, cor responsibility? McCain: responsibility. God, he hates the government mandating shit. Obama: right. Hello, right answer! I fucking hate health insurance. My student coverage is even worse. Some wimpy "peacemaker" just asked a question of "Sr. Sen. Warmonger McCain." Gave Obama a "death stare" about being inexperienced. "There are a lot of things I don't understand. I don't understand how we ended up invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11." Dear Barack Obama, Why do you make sense? Love, America. OBAMA DOCTRINE?? We should maybe not let genocide happen so much. Could we please stop alienating our allies so much? "That requires a cool hand at the tiller." John McCain DOES NOT EQUAL a cool hand. Oh, he stood up to his hero Ronald Reagan. Good for you, McMav. Military servicepersons are totes his top priority. Holocaust DRINK. Pakistannnn. John McCain wants to fuck Teddy Roosevelt. Apparently we shouldn't warn countries that we might attack them, we should just do it. Let's all watch Charlie Wilson's War and compare the historical record to the bullshit McCain is saying. Brokaw is just the "hired help." Love. Him. Oh my god, I think John McCain is going to physically attack Obama. McCain will GET OSAMA BIN LADEN, but he will not "telegraph his punches." John McCain is too old to know about the telephone! McCain: "We're not going to have another cold war... with Russia." Huzzah! Cold War with Iran '09! Thrift Store Champion said of "naked aggression": "Is it wrong that that's kind of hot?" YES. YES IT IS WRONG, YOU FREAK. No one should ever have bright red carpet. Que ugly. John McCain just claimed he could single-handedly "ignite" the new Cold War. I'm drinking to the veteran with an Israel question. Jinx with John McCain with "Thank you for your service." SECOND HOLOCAUST. Barack Obama says pretty things about the American dream. Michelle Obama is fucking hot. John McCain admits that he cannot tell the future. Advice to McCain: don't talk about Americans not being able to find things on maps, mmkay? Geography not exactly your forte. Ahh Cindy McCain is scary!! Bright blue craziness. Does she have a wig? She and Heidi Montag are remarkably, frighteningly similar.

Semi-Possibly Partial-Live-Blogging

VP debate! Hotness! Joe Biden: sometimes takes a long time to get to the point. To say the least. Focus on the middle class. Sarah Palin: looks real nervous. Mentioned a kid's soccer game. Were you aware she has a uterus? Gwen Ifil- wearing a Golden Girls-esque aquamarine jacket Joe Biden mentioned violence against women and genocide- 25 points for liberals! Sarah Palin winked. Has she recently re-highlighted her hair? MAVERICK!! Joe Six-Pack. AKA My boyfriend. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY! Joe Biden met a guy named Joey at a gas station who can't afford to fill his gas tank. Joey? Joe Six-Pack? Coincidence? I think not. Totally the same guy. Joe Biden is, like, totally obsessed with the middle class. I think he totally has a crush on the middle class. Small business owners! Sarah Palin has a big sparkly flag pin. Also, she's totes middle class too! She just did a Tina Fey smile while Biden was talking. He keeps saying confusing numbers. Taking a drink to "the ultimate bridge to nowhere." "You know what I had to do in Alaska? I had to take on the oil companies." Also, she had to put lipstick on livestock. She just called energy her area of expertise. Joe Biden is totally laughing at her on the inside. We are holding back Alaska from producing energy for us. Because she lives in an Arctic state, so she knows that cyclical temperature changes are totally regular. But we should be energy independent because other countries don't care as much about the environment as we do. Which is a lot. The chant is "Drill, baby, drill!" People in America love their oil. Sarah is SO tolerant of adults sodomizing each other. "Some of my best friends don't hate gay people." She's totally "straight-up" about this. She's also totally clear about her feelings on civil rights for committed gay couples. She is so fucking thankful for that "Great American Hero" General Patreus. God, Barack Obama hates the troops. "We have got to win in Iraq." Didn't we already win? "Ummmm... your plan is a white flag of surrender." Those foreign leaders "are knowing" something. Biden is giving her a patronizing smile. He just gave Gwen a look. John McCain is a douchebag. Joe Biden pretty much just said that. I just missed a lot of foreign policy talk. She just mentioned "naivete" in reference to Obama and said "nuke-you-ler." She hearts Kissinger! OMFG she mentioned women's rights. I hate her. Biden just told us that John McCain hates Spain. Sarah Palin said SECOND HOLOCAUST I HATE HER OH MY GOD I WANT TO DIE. Dear Joe Biden, Why do you make so much sense? Love, Everyone "I am so encouraged that we both love Israel." Sarah Palin found Joe Biden when she clicked on "Israel" under her "Interests" section. MAVERICK. CHANGE. I hate her. "Backwards finger-pointing" to the Bush administration. McCain will be totes different. Reckless comments totally hurt our cause. Like when people say, "Binge drinking is bad." That totally hurts my cause to normalize getting drunk every night. Did Sarah Palin use a Topsy Tail tonight? Is this English syntax: "they have not said anything different but that"? Sarah Palin thinks so. Joe Biden is emphatically gesturing about helicopters and genocide. "It's so obvious I'm a Washington outsider... Americans crave that straight talk. Blah blah blah random patriot phrases. Also, Darfur. Alaska has oil." My friend Mike just told me I was the Maverick Mormon. I hate/love that nickname. Joe Biden said "9/11." DRINK. "Heaven forbid" one of the Presidents die. "What do you expect; a team of Mavericks?" They totally disagree about some things. McCain doesn't want Palin to check her opinions. Because she has lots of them. Really informed ones. She said WASILLA. Drink. My pal Martin sent me a link to Palin Bingo pre-debate. OMG funny. I think Home Depot is sponsoring Joe Biden. Sarah Palin tried to appeal to the working class, Biden is appealing to middle class. "Say it ain't so Joe. There you go again, pointing backwards." He smiles. He is having a great time. Palin is giving shout-outs to her family, which apparently is just lousy with teachers. SPECIAL NEEDS. Take a drink. Biden said, "Change." Sarah Palin agrees with Dick Cheney that the vice-president is part of every branch of government it feels like. Like, Junior Chief Justice. God, she has so much executive experience. I think Sarah Palin has Turrets with the phrase "energy independence." Family, kids, military, college, special needs, health insurance--worldview." Did she just re-claim "exceptionalism" as a positive word? Reform blahblahblah. Biden pointed out that McCain voted against VAWA. Joe Biden is a single parent. He got choked up talking about his kids and how parents need help. Awwww. Palin's glued-on grin and claims of "maverick" for McCain doesn't compare. She just claimed that she and Lieberman, Romney, Giuliani, etc. are from "diverse" backgrounds. Joe Biden is kind of an amazing badass who isn't afraid to casually drop the "Roe v. Wade bomb," etc. "Up there in Alaska." Take a drink. Creating jobs, cutting taxes, blahblahblah. It's so good to meet you finally, Joe Biden. "I like to be able to answer these tough questions without the filter of even the Mainstream Media." I'm sure you do, Sarah Palin. Quoted Ronald Reagan. Also, John McCain was in the military. Mmhm. Totally awesome meeting you, Governor. Maybe it's the 3 Sparks in me, but I'm totally crushing on Joe Biden right now. Sarah Palin is totally giggling in relief right now.

America's Number 2: Not worth a warm bucket of piss!*

Remember this guy? Neither do I. I suppose I have the excuse of being nine when he left office.

In honor of tonight's impending debate-y awesomeness.... The Vice President of the United States is an important office. Just kidding! They don't really do much but hang around and wait for the President to die or for the Senate to have a tie. The only executive powers the VP has are anything the President doesn't feel like doing. Or, if they're Dick Cheney, whatever they hell they decide falls under their purview. But there are no restrictions to the number of terms a VP can serve, so we could have Darth Cheney for life if he just kept getting nominated!** If we didn't care about the earth imploding itself just to get out of four more years of horror and desolation. But anyway, some Vice Presidential-y facts! In bullet form!

• The VP has no Constitutional oath, they just take the same one as Senators and Representatives.
• The VP makes the same salary as the Chief Justice and the Speaker of the House ($221,000 this year)
• Back in the day, the electoral college was even more fucked up and the voting process allowed for the slots of President and Vice President to be filled by political rivals. They fixed that with one of those amendment thingies (12th).*** The 25th Amendment also clears up some issues of Presidential succession. If you care to know more, you can just Google that shit.
• The Vice President and his or her family lives on a naval base and/or various undisclosed locations.
• If you go to the Wikipedia page on the VPOTUS, you can find many a quote from embittered politicians about what a worthless job it is.
• Only five former or sitting VPs have been elected to the Presidency, so maybe they should just stop trying. Though this is the first election since 1956 where neither a sitting President or Vice President has been on the ballot. Thank god.

Vice Presidents! They don't do much! Except for carrying key states in the general election and/or risk embarrassing the President and/or possibly becoming President when John McCain inevitably drops dead! God bless us, everyone. But mostly America. *The assessment of the office by John Nance Garner, our nation's 28th VP. This quote is deemed false when the Vice President is a power-hungry supervillain. **Apparently Sarah Palin thinks Dick Cheney's greatest mistake was that whole "duck [sic] hunting accident." HuffPo has video if, unlike me, you can stand to watch it. ***For fictional examples of the office's political realities see: The West Wing's John Hoynes and the premise of the movie Dave.

Quote o' the Day: Scary Black People Edition

"You know what’s really nonthreatening to white people? Being a black dude running for president and writing two separate books about how you’re black. Other things that are nonthreatening to white people: puppies." -Jesse Taylor of Pandagon in response to Ralph Nader's recent odious and racist comments about Obama