I Hate John McCain: A Rant, Or: In Which I Get All Liberal and Elitist on Your Ass

I don't "hate" you, I just want to "control" you. Super-scary photo via Shakesville.

In what is sure to be a shocking revelation, I'd like to officially state that in my objective opinion (totally not an oxymoron): JOHN MCCAIN SUCKS. You may say, "But Lauren, shouldn't we be trying to raise the level of our political discourse by engaging in substantive discussion of the issues and not resorting to ad hominem/feminem attacks?" And I would reply, "Hominem? What is that--gay or something?" And then you would cry. But ANYWAY, so John McCain. Crazy, angry, old, belligerent, geographically unknowledgeable, etc. Let us count the ways: 1. JOHN MCCAIN HATES WOMEN He thinks our "health" is being used to promote the "pro-abortion" agenda. Whereas I think his espousal of "pro-life" beliefs are really just the same old "misogynist bullshit used to control women's sexuality up to and including putting our physical and mental health at serious risk and forcing us to become pregnant and give birth against our wills." But whatevs. My lady parts are probably causing me to lose control of my emotions again. And we all know that I've got mental "health" issues already, so I should probably just be sterilized to play it safe. Or maybe if I just got married and started having lots of unprotected sex and getting pregnant, motherhood and wifery would make everything ALL BETTER. Also: WTF IS A "FAILED ABORTION"?!! Does this happen? Is it common? How is it even possible that such a rare and unlikely medical situation should be subject to national legislation? All about the "babies," eh? More like "all about the keeping women from full bodily autonomy and/or any agency or choices at all." Ahem. Fuck you and your scare quotes around the concept of women's "health," John "Maverick" McCain.* 2. JOHN MCCAIN AND HIS CAMPAIGN ARE A-OKAY WITH (BEING) RACIST ASSHOLES Not that he or Sarah Palin or the Republican Party have ever tried to appeal to the most hateful, ignorant demographic of U.S. citizenry by implicating that Barack Obama is a Communist/terrorist/Muslim/unpatriotic/scary black dude or anything. Nope. Not a-once. 3. JOHN MCCAIN IS A RAGE-AHOLIC Watch and cringe (via Crooks and Liars): 4. JOHN MCCAIN WILL PROBABLY HOOVER IT UP OVER THE ECONOMIC CRISIS

Will not someone provide cigarettes for these poor children?

See Jesse Taylor on how this "Joe the Plumber" nonsense is really evidence of a) a poorly-run campaign and b) the Right's continued attempt to get working- and middle-class Americans to vote against their own interests. John McCain hates you (us) almost as much as he hates women, affordable health care, and taxes.** And while I have to say that I am pleased to be somewhat sheltered from this economic collapse of the whole world or whatever by being a poor graduate student who wouldn't have any money anyway, it would be nice if we could try and fix it for the sake of, well, pretty much everybody else. And me, when I'm done with school. Or if I'm ever to afford groceries. Now it's your turn! Name all the reasons you think John McCain would be the worst thing for America since the last couple of elections' winner. *See previous. **For rich people.