Lauren Tells You How to Vote 2014!

Oh hey guys, tomorrow's Election Day. There are few things in this world I take seriously. These include the emotional roller coasters of Korean dramas, caffeine, high quality kleenex, and participatory democracy. GUYS, WE CAN VOTE AND IT WILL PROBABLY COUNT. This is, like, a big deal and hating all the candidates is not a valid excuse for opting out. People are terrible but people (remember, corporations also = people) run this country, so you should express a goddamn opinion for once in your life. Even if you think your one little vote cannot possibly make a difference, go cast it anyway. This is AMERICA and our laws and representatives should not be the result of 300 million people saying, "I dunno, who do you wanna vote for?" back and forth.

If you are like, "But I forgot to/never felt like registering to vote" THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE IN THE LIBERAL UTOPIA OF MINNESOTA. Minnesota has same-day voter registration. The requirements are easy, you need an ID and proof of address or another registered voter willing to vouch for your name and place of residence. Here is an easy link to find out your polling place. Those are the practical questions answered about how/where to vote. If you don't live in Minnesota, look up your state's Secretary of State's website and there should be a section on voter information. Another option nationwide is the League of Women Voters' Vote411 site, which provides non-partisan info on registration, polling places, and actual voters' guides. You have no excuses. I was just having some trouble with the state's website, so I'm using my local Ramsey County Elections page to get a personalized sample ballot.

They give a sticker to lord your responsible citizenship over other people with. It's great!

Now I will provide you with my personal voting guide since you are probably still too lazy to do any research and this forces me to do so. (TL; DR vote for all the Democrats)

US Senate- Al Franken (DFL)
Duh. He's the nation's most adorable, hard-working, clever, and did I mention adorable? senator. Let's not let this one be so close, guys. Al Franken: he will take you to the doctor to take out your stitches and also make sure you've got affordable insurance. I've given that guy, like $50 or something and I don't even have a job.

US House District 4- Betty McCollum (DFL)
Vote Betty! She is a badass lady protecting ladyrights all over the place.

Governor and Lt. Governor- Mark Dayton and Tina Smith (DFL)

Attorney General- Lori Swanson (DFL)

Secretary of State- Steve Simon (DFL)
He is the most generic white man you've ever seen, but he promises to protect Minnesota's progressive voting laws and recommends not voting for people who don't want people to be able to vote. I think that's pretty good advice.

State Auditor- Rebecca Otto (DFL)

State House District 64A- Erin Murphy (DFL)
She's the House Majority leader and the MN House has kind of been killing it lately, so let's keep riding that train.

Ramsey County Commissioner District 4- Toni Carter
She's unopposed, but vote for her anyway because she seems pretty cool. She and her son, another local politician, spoke together at the Franken GOTV event I went to a few weeks ago (Oh, Hillary Clinton was there too, NBD.) and they were adorable and they should run for Pres/VP on a Carter/Carter ticket.

County Sheriff- Matt Bostrom

County Attorney- John J. Choi

Conservation District Supervisor District 1- Paul Gardner

Conservation District Supervisor District 4- Carrie Wasley

State Supreme Court Associate Justice 2- Mimi Wright
Her opponent is named "John Hancock" (sure) and has been working as a special agent for the DHS. That makes me nervous for some reason.

State Supreme Court Associate Justice 3- David Lillehaug

Court of Appeals and 2nd District Court judges all running unopposed- vote or don't vote for them I don't care, I'm not finding easy info on these races or candidates.

No ballot measures.

GO VOTE TOMORROW, YOU ASSHOLES. If you don't, a bald eagle will cry. Majestically, sure, but you still don't want that.

Current or at least semi-recent events

1. Have you heard that the Michael Jackson died? I spent a number of hours making a timeline/display thingy with all these Google images and features on PowerPoint I didn't know existed before, and it is now hanging up in front of the counter here in the pop culture library. I kind of wished he'd passed on right after his Super Bowl XXVII performance and right before the first child abuse allegations came out. So, early 1993 is what I'm saying. As long as he had time to produce this gem first: I remember coming home from that great cinematic masterpiece and singing the song with my siblings while jumping on the trampoline. We may or may not have come up with a "Free Willy" game to go with it. 2. Remember, like, a really long time ago when I was all up in Al Franken's primary campaign at my local caucus? Wasn't that awesome? Because now, over one year later, he has finally been crowned Prince of Minnesota's Junior Senatorial Seat. The BBC has the rundown of the whole shenanigan-filled process: Q&A: Minnesota senate election (hat tip Alison's Gchat status) 3. Some governor of something or rather has fallen in love with an Argentinean newslady and somebody sleazy released their private emails. Amanda Marcotte has an interesting analysis of the fact Sanford has evoked ridicule from various sources for breaking both the "men don't fall in love" and "marriage/love is/should be work" dicta: The Karmic punishment of Sanford's middle-aged passion. (Pandagon)

Still awake at 8:00 a.m.: random ramblings

Since returning from the west coast homestead, I have been hit with a nasty bout of insomnia. No, not the kind where you can't sleep at all, but the kind where you can't go to sleep until some ungodly early hour of the morning like somewhere between 6:00 and 8:00 a.m. But then I don't get out of bed until 4:00 p.m., and I'm sure the caffeinated alcoholic beverages I hold so dear don't help matters much. I've taken to coming out to the couch to read so as not to disturb the slumbering boyfriend (or sometimes reminding him that he has his own house). Doesn't seem to be working today. Maybe I'm just super-excited that we will be doing a real-life tour of a presidential museum tomorrow (AKA this afternoon)! Have I mentioned that Isaac gave me this awesome 3-CD set, Of Great and Mortal Men: 43 Songs for 43 U.S. Presidencies, which is pretty much the best idea ever, if nothing else. I haven't gotten to volume 3 yet, but so far I really dig the songs about Tyler, Taylor, and Arthur. God knows I love me some obscure one-term nineteenth-century presidents! Gaza's burning. So, that's awesome. On BBC news on PBS earlier, we were depressed/unsurprised to learn that not only are the vast majority of casualties civilians, but the Israelis won't let more doctors and humanitarian workers in to help. Luckily (somehow-dear lord, seriously?-STILL) President Bush ♥ Israel! So we're totes not going to do anything until they're good and done defending themselves. In other news, apparently the Frankenmeister has probs won the Minnesota senate race. Douchebag McColeman's gonna sue, but hopefully that won't pan out.

Random basement-sitting links

The ARCTIC BLAST outside and my own laziness prevent me from doing much of anything besides sit on this cozy couch and read the internet. So I thought I'd share some of the tubes-inspired joy I have discovered. -Amanda tackles that classic conservative canard about how "Everything was perfect in the '50s and if women would just get back in the kitchen, no one would have any problems anymore" is used to entice ladies to fight against their own interests. I personally have no interest in visiting the 1950s or trying to recapture its delightful Cold War/consumer/conformist atmosphere. But then again I am a dirty, angry feminist and hate America. And babies.* Also, baked goods.** The fairyland perfection of submission. (Pandagon) -Everyone's favorite excessively-Italian-named cartoonist Francesco Marciuliano has put together a set of helpful hints for getting through those family holiday gatherings. He comes down firmly on the "cope with drugs and alcohol" side, which I totes agree with (if I could get away with it, that is). Anyway, photographic laughs comin' atcha: A Visual Guide to Surviving the Holidays with Your Family. (Francesco Explains It All) -Al Frankenmeister has pulled into the lead in that thar Minnesota Senate race as crazy ballot-counting shit continues to go down. Let's keep our little Democratic (and comedy-loving) fingers crossed, friends! The Recount: No hanging chads, but plenty of hang-ups. (Star Tribune) Anyways, I'm off to continue reading the interwebs. Here's hoping that the snow has left you bound somewhere cozy and with cable and internet access! *A lie. **Even more of a lie. Nomnomnom Christmas cookies.

RAMEN: I can't stop eating it; AL FRANKEN: I can't stop loving him

I've always been a fan of the instant ramen noodles. I like the chicken flavor (orange package). I cook the noodles with the flavor in the water, then drain it all and put butter on the noodles. This is unequivocally delicious. I cannot stop with the ramen lately. Every time I eat it, my stomach and my soul are filled with warm, buttery joy. Thrift Store Champion is making me some right now. Because he's nice. And I'm lazy. And blogging. Anyway, apparently Al Franken has yet to kick Norm Coleman's douchey ass out of the Senate. Talks of "mystery ballots" abound. I am beginning to lose hope. I never should have registered to vote in Ohio. Apparently Al really needed me. (Star Tribune) Haven't chosen a history topic yet for this week, feel free to leave suggestions!

Hump Day Linkage

-xkcd = my life, once again: -Sadie at Jezebel takes on Cosmo's constant efforts to make you insecure, this time encroaching on sacred cuddling territory. "Because as we know, in Cosmo land, why try direct communication when there are tricks and wiles and boas!" Cosmo Takes the Fun out of Cuddling. (Jezebel) -J. Stewart gets sassy about Minnesota's as-yet-unresolved senatorial race. Also, Al Franken in a sexy speedo: -Though Melissa reports that it looks like Ted "Tubes" Stevens may finally be finished. Ted Stevens Loses. (Shakesville)

More posty post

Still living the ROCKSTAR® lifestyle here, and not much work to do (avoiding a tedious project with no real deadline that I was only given because I ran out of other stuff to work on), so I'm a-gonna link link link to some good stuff on the Toobz. I'm just going to clear out my list before the weekend, so hold on to your hat! -Remember a while back when I was complaining about how HuffPo condemned their "Living" page to the Pink Ghetto? Well, apparently they took its former green color and made a "Green" page. Okay, fine. But you still didn't have to make all the articles about feelings pink. The Sexy Gay Jesus thinks it is in poor taste, too. And you should always trust The Sexy Gay Jesus on these issues.* But ANYWAY, through the new green Green page, I saw an article about one of my favorite afterschool television heroes, Bill Nye! He and Ed Begley, Jr., another ridiculous person, are neighbors and are trying to see who can be more environmentally friendly. Nerdy competitions that are good for the earth? 100 points awarded to each. Hey, remember when Bill Nye made that grass car? (Featured very briefly in video.) Glad to hear the Billster's still around, up to science-y shenanigans. Bill Nye, Ed Begley Compete to See Who's Greener. (Noaki Schwartz, Huffington Post) -Okay, so crazy, crazy Jesse Ventura has been talking about jumping into a Senate race close to my heart: AKA Al "Awesome Glasses" Franken v. Norm "How Do You People Not See What a Huge Douchebag He Is?!" Coleman. Colleen Werthmann has made some helpful (and awesome) diagrams to help you figure out who you should vote for in what is soon to be known as the 2008 Senatorial Clusterfuck. Minnesota's U.S. Senate race is crazying up nicely. (HuffPo's 23/6) -Apropos of the fact that I am (still) reading Naomi Klein's awesome, awesome book and learning about how Milton Friedman was an evil genius, I appreciated William K. Wolfrum's take on McCain's "economic plan." Prepared to run Milton Friedman's sixth term: John McCain lays out plans to 'starve the beast'. (William K. Wolfrum/Shakesville) -From a while back, The Apostate talks about turning into a bitch. And how it's awesome. I totally agree. Being a nice girl never got me shit, it just got me shit on. Learning to be assertive (still working on it) is a skill too many women never achieve. Don't put up with bullshit, people. You're a person.** I don't care if I come off as bitchy just because I stand up for myself. I'd rather be a bitch than a pushover. Any day. Learning to be a bitch. (The Apostate) -Our dear Hugo wrote a while back about boys and education. The Kathleen Parkers of the world like to claim that education is a zero-sum game: if girls do better, boys must do worse. This is, obviously, bullshit. There's not a finite amount of literacy in this world, people. Anyway, Hugo always comes at things in a really interesting way, and here he tackles some issues that have bothered me for a while about the whole gender/education/achievement mess. Poor white boys: school leaving, male under-performance, and the disaster of masculine anti-intellectualism. (Hugo Schwyzer) -And one more: My sister is the biggest badass at BYU. Pretty much. Goal: Become a legit Led Zeppelin fan: Led Zeppelin I (Cheerful Cynicism) *NOTE: I definitely get a good number of hits from people searching "sexy gay." These people must be severely disappointed that I am just talking about my imaginary gay best friend/deity of choice and do not actually feature porn. Sorry, gay Googlers! I hope you like nerdy U.S. history posting! Hey, Ulysses S. Grant was pretty hot. That's the best I can do. **"I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there's a person. And each person deserves to be treated... like a person."

New York Times discovers Minnesota has the internet; I tell Al Franken how to run his campaign

Maybe the fact that my mother constantly repeated this phrase while I was growing up explains some of what is wrong with me.

This story has been bouncing around for a bit (a week is a long time here on the interwebz), but apparently not only have The New York Times' intrepid reporters found out that we have the internet here in the MN, but there are these people called "bloggers" who write about "politics," and they sometimes have "readers" that they "influence." Ahem. Sorry, got kind of out of control with the quote marks there. That's right, kids: Senate Race in Minnesota Shows Power of Bloggers. That's a shitty headline, am I right or am I right? I guess blogs are still "news" to some people (some people who don't spend all day at their computers, ruining their hands and wrists, like us cool kids).

The long and the short of the story is about how douchebags serious political bloggers in Minnesota are striking out against Al Franken, the presumptive Democratic nominee for Senate. SHOCKING, I tell you. Did you have any idea that people express strong feelings on the internet, and sometimes it reflects negatively on their targets? I, for one, think that people should keep their opinions to themselves and off the toobz. As far as the Franken himself goes, my inappropriate crush on him has already been covered on this humble blog, but the actual meat of the NYT story involves conservative bloggers successfully exploiting his campaign's missteps. The gang over at Minnesota Democrats EXPOSED (all caps added for dramatic effect*) EXPOSED some back taxes Franken owed, and now are totally playing up the "Al Franken wrote stuff for Playboy" angle. I personally don't give a shit that Franken used to employ a shitty accountant, and I'm certainly aware of his notable past as a public figure and a comedian, but I think Jeff really hit the nail on the head as to where the campaign itself has gone wrong:

If Franken were upfront about this stuff, if he’d rushed to disclose it and apologized where necessary, maybe he could brazen it out, like Jesse Ventura did with some of his more colorful** past exploits. But that’s the other problem: he hasn’t been. Quite simply, [the Playboy] column should have come from the Franken campaign itself.

Anybody who has been gung-ho about Al Franken from the beginning already knows about Al Franken. I mean, he has an awesome feud with Bill O'Reilly and Fox News. He's a comedian who's been saying funny and outrageous things in the public sphere for a few decades. If you know him and like him already, the fact that he (at least) once joked around about porn isn't really your top concern as far as his candidacy goes.*** But for the people who are unconvinced, or don't find him funny, or have been living under a rock since the '70s, some of this stuff is going to be shocking and possibly fatal to his senatorial campaign. Regardless of the relatively objective lameness of these people, I agree with Jeff that all this stuff should have been right out on the table in the beginning.

Al Franken has been running for Senate for like two years, it's not like they just threw this campaign together last week and then realized that he once wrote for Playboy. For all the regular Minnesotans who aren't as pathetically steeped in pop culture as some of us big city internet-addicted types, I think it would have been beneficial to just say, "Hey, Al Franken has said some crazy shit, but it was funny, and he is awesome, and it's time to get over it." And then they could just spend the rest of their time reminding everybody what an undeniably huge douchebag Norm Coleman is. I mean, COME ON. Have you seen his MySpace? He's got like ten times fewer one-tenth as many friends as Al Franken, and his top friend is the Minnesota Young Republicans. And we all know that MySpace is pretty much just like real life.

Anyway, Franken's campaign should take back control of the story. Bloggers will blog, much like I am blogging right now, and there's nothing you can do about that. But the campaign has got to stop trying to brush Franken's comedic past under the table. Face it, love it, move on. I have. Now go win an election. (People like you!)



*I think I might get more traffic if I changed the name of this blog to Blonder and Thinner EXPOSED. Although anyone who is Googling that phrase will probably be sadly disappointed by my content.

**"Colorful" is officially one of my favorite euphemisms.

***Note: my personal feelings about actual porn are mixed at best, but I can't muster up the wherewithal to care about shit like this.

Al Franken's feminist cred

Lest you think Al Franken's campaign ignored my fabulously-written complaint about them ignoring feminist stuff on the campaign website, I should probably publicly note that I got a PERSONALIZED response (obviously, from not Al Franken) last week that I've been too lazy to write about. Someone named Natalie sent me a very nice thank-you and invited me to call her so we could chat!* Apparently he had some of the feminist ladies to his house in February to talk about their "issues." She sent me this NOW write-up of the event:

Read this doc on Scribd: Now times

This is all well and good, and solidifies my love for Al, but it doesn't address my original complaint: WEBSITE OMISSIONS. But whatevs, it was really cool to get a personal message back, and maybe one day they will update the campaign site. Until then, you should go donate. I'm willing to throw another $25 in his direction for the email response alone. Also, he was totally adorable on Letterman: Part two here. Wow, there is a lot of code in this post. *I will never call her to chat.

I write to Al Franken: Why no love for the ladies?

This would be a picture of me and Al Franken instead of him from really far away if I weren't so awkward and shy. Also, I would have said the following things in person instead of emailing them to his campaign. I rule.

Dear Al Franken,

I think you’re missing a great opportunity by not specifically addressing women’s issues on your website. Any truly progressive political platform must include stands on women’s and feminist concerns. Obviously, we should all research candidates, but not everyone has ample spare time to surf the internet at their overpaid data entry jobs like I do to try and decipher all your views through search results. Granted, it took very little Googling to discover that you have done benefits for both Planned Parenthood and NARAL, but I don’t think voters should have to either make the assumption that you’re pro-choice or do a bunch of research to find out. I caucused for you at the Senate District 65 Convention, and I’m assuming that as a U.S. Senator, you would vote to renew and improve legislation like the Family and Medical Leave Act and the Violence Against Women Act, but I don’t actually know. Because your website doesn’t tell me.

Norm Coleman has a zero percent pro-choice score from NARAL. He is squarely in the pocket of the forced-pregnancy movement. I emailed him about the Brownback Amendment (Global Gag Rule), and got back some ludicrous form letter justifying his yes vote by citing the old “promoting family values” argument. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to think that most Minnesotan families don’t particularly value increasing worldwide AIDS infections and maternal death rates by de-funding health and humanitarian organizations that have the gall to mention the word “abortion.” In the Senate, Coleman has also consistently shown himself to be unconcerned about women’s lives and health through his confirmation of various judicial and political nominees who use extreme religion and conservative ideology to limit and deny women everything from adequate reproductive health care (Plan B, “partial-birth” abortions) to the ability to sue for pay discrimination (Ledbetter v. Goodyear). Members of Congress have power over laws involving parental-notification and interstate transportation for abortion, the funding of (sexist and medically inaccurate) "abstinence-only" education, welfare reforms and efforts to reduce poverty, providing child care and early childhood education, universal health care, sexual harassment and employment discrimination, and other matters of direct (and disproportionate) concern to women and their families (see a nice complete list from the policy agenda of the National Council of Women's Organizations). Pro-woman candidates and elected officials should make their views known and commit to fighting for women on the floor of Congress.

Guess who also doesn’t address women’s issues on his campaign website? That’s right, Norm Coleman. But his voting record leaves no room to speculate about what his stances are. Assuming you get the DFL’s nomination next month in Rochester, it’s up to you to let Minnesota’s women and pro-woman voters know just how far apart your views are. Speaking to at least a few specific issues that concern us on your website would be a great start. Besides, anyone who’d be turned off by a progressive/feminist agenda is probably not going to vote for you in November anyway. See John Edwards’ archived campaign site for a great example. He seems like a nice guy, maybe he’d just let you copy and paste it. I hope you and/or whatever passionate but underpaid staffer who actually reads your emails take this into consideration. I’m a supporter, but I know I’m not the only one who would be even more vocal and enthusiastic if you’d take a stand and add some (sincere) nods to the ladies in your already well-defined and progressive platform.

Sincerely,

ME

The Caucus: America's Lowest Form of Democracy

It's hard to take seriously a form of voting that resembles an elementary school field day.

So last Saturday I went to my local senate-district caucus convention. It was half incredibly boring and half completely ridiculous. I loved it. But I have to throw this out there: CAUCUSING IS THE STUPIDEST WAY TO VOTE EVER. The day began quite early for a Saturday (Roommate A and I left the house at 8:30, ew), and when we arrived at Humboldt High School, we stood in a very long line to register with everyone else who hadn't bothered to show up earlier. (I got a nametag! On a piece of yarn!) My roommate was corralled into some sort of strategy discussion with some other Jack Nelson-Pallmeyer supporters and I found us seats with our other precinct delegates. Now, let me tell you a little story about the Humboldt High School auditorium: the stairs are TREACHEROUS. They are all different sizes. This seems to be by design. WTF? I watched as some woman tripped and fell down a bunch of stairs. They had to call an ambulance. I hope she's okay. She was moving around and stuff, so she's not paralyzed, but she didn't even get to caucus. Fuck you, Humboldt architects. A great way to start the day.

Moving on, the caucus started about an hour or so late. SHOCK. We had to like, ratify the rules and agenda before we could do anything. But before that, we did the Pledge of Allegiance, which I haven't done since, god I don't know when. I hate America almost as much as Barack Obama. (I also do not wear a flag lapel pin. I generally don't have lapels, but I'm still trying to make a statement.) Anyway, lots of people nominating themselves for various local party positions and blah blah blah. Roommate A and I shared the one pen she actually thought to bring and went through all the platform resolutions, voting on whether or not to forward them to the state convention. There were over a hundred. Some of them were good, like the ones about ending the war. Others were vaguely offensive, as in: "Men should stop being forced to pay child support for children that are not their own." I mean, that seems basically reasonable, but I've spent enough time on the internets to see a Men's Rights Activist's fingerprints all over that shit. So I voted no. Maybe I should've waited around to hear people read their statements explaining the resolutions. But I was so not going to stay later than I absolutely had to.

But so there were a few more hours of motions and seconding and saying, "yea" to close nominations and such. I enjoyed observing our hot, young city council member with his adorable small children, because I'm a creep like that. But in the meantime, there were speakers! There were state politicians, but I don't care about those people. I was excited about Betty McCollum, who is fucking awesome, and about the candidates for Senate. Ciresi and Nelson-Pallmeyer both spoke in the morning. Ciresi was blah. Nelson-Pallmeyer was actually pretty good, and I could see why all the hippie types were working for his campaign. But I have a special place in my heart for Al Franken. I was afraid he wouldn't show, but he came right before we split up to sub-caucus. (Strategery much?) He is so short and adorable and funny and I kind of have a crush on him. (THOSE GLASSES!) And he jumped off the stage and almost tripped on a microphone wire. It was great. The crowd was very enthusiastic. Then he came into the audience and he was like six feet away from me at some point, but I am very awkward and shy and couldn't work up the nerve to ask him for a picture/chat with him. But I could have, had I not sucked so much.

Then it was time to do the ol' Sub-caucus Walk-us. OMG ridiculous. I don't know if this is what Thomas Jefferson et al had in mind for our representative democracy (setting aside all the women and black people that were there, of course), but have I mentioned that it is THE STUPIDEST WAY TO VOTE EVER? 'Cause it is. But it was kind of fun. I managed to find a Franken sub-caucus that wasn't also an Obama group (remember how I'm kind of on Team Hillary now? Go Texas and Ohio!) The only Clinton sub-caucuses were uncommitted for Senate, and I really wanted to support Al, so I went for Al Franken/Universal Health Care. I couldn't argue with that. Our sub-caucus was viable, so I didn't have to walk again. During the second walk, though, all the Franken staffers were trying to do mathematical calculations to figure out how to win remainder delegates or whatever. We kept having to shift a few people between Franken sub-caucuses. It was ridiculous. Again, kind of fun, but I really didn't feel like I was VOTING or anything. It felt like a game. But Al won the most delegates to the state convention, so huzzah!

Anyway, that is far more than anyone ever wanted to know about my experience at the caucus. I'm glad I did it, if for no other reason than blog fodder. I might have actually nominated myself for some local party position if I planned on still living in Minnesota six months from now. Oh, well. Mostly, the lesson is this: caucusing is the least-straightforward, most silly way to hold a primary. God bless the Minnesota DFL and my six hours of participatory democracy on a Saturday!



STILL TO COME: I write to Al Franken's campaign to tell him all the things I didn't say when I had the chance.