This is what I have to offer, America

At least one guy I kind of know got totally police-brutalized in New York the other night while I fascinatedly watched eviction live feeds from under a cozy quilt on my couch and avoided doing my homework. I thought I should head down to Occupy BG the next day to show solidarity, but the next day was Tuesday which is my worst/busiest day and there is nothing worse than a busy lazy person. But what I'm saying is is that important are happening out there in the world AND random former VP-related trolls come by really old posts to tell me I have blasphemed their forebear's name and am clearly not a nice person and so now I am going to be mean about Pluggers again. I never SAID I was nice!

The economy is so bad, Pluggers have turned to candy stores to feed their children. Though I'm pretty sure Congress just declared green candy a vegetable anyway.

I was disturbed to see this giant bear-coach with these tiny PeeWee animal football players in the locker room after some recent news in the sporting/raping world, that's all.

Pluggers will use any excuse for a good drunk-dial binge.

Fact: My mother used to threaten us with episodes of The Lawrence Welk Show if we were bad. So many bubble hairdos and matching formal '70s outfits with sappy arrangements of easy-listening favorites and old standards, you guys. SO MANY.

Middle-aged Plugger-chicken-ladies' lives are so empty, they've turned into writing utensil kleptomaniacs.

Why is Anti-Halloween Christian Fundamentalist Grandpa Plugger trying to terrify the small child with his reenactment of the crucifixion? That's almost as bad as giving out toothbrushes or this poor excuse for candy.

I'm sure those outdated reference books will come in handy after the Soviets cause a nuclear holocaust and you are forced to live in your underground bunker/bomb shelter/compound and you need to teach your inbred grandchildren about what life was like on the Surface.

Neglecting Pluggers hurts us all

Kids, I know I am a remiss blogger what with my "real life" and "laziness" and this week "illness" getting in my way, but there is no excuse for how long it has been since I mocked America's laziest comic: Pluggers. I hope to make it up to all of you by countering its salt-of-the-earth sincerity with my signature bitchiness that ruins everything good in this world. YOU HEAR THAT, RANDOM INTERNET COMMENTERS AND/OR CERTAIN COMIC STRIP ARTISTS WHO DON'T LIKE MY CRITICISM: I am mean and "disrespectful" and I like it. Just trying to balance out the universe against everybody with good intentions in a relatively harmless sort of way. I'm basically preventing genocide through snarkiness. Or I'm just lazy and mean. Whatevs. Pluggers:

I don't understand this one. Was taping shows off of TV once considered copyright infringement? Because I think we've moved beyond that by now. But seriously, who still tapes shit? Or are they just re-watching old episodes of '80s shows? DON'T PLUGGERS KNOW ABOUT CABLE? It's called "syndication" and "Nick at Nite," bitchez.

If we take oven to = uterus, as in "she's got a bun in the 'oven'"--then I don't even want to know what lady Pluggers keep up there between bouts of reproduction.

While I am proud to say that my first job at age eleven was a paper route, I know damn well that there will be no more print newspapers by the time I am able to "retire" at age 85 in 2068 and will have to work as a greeter at the Wal-Mart® Retirement Village/Human Organ Storage and Retrieval Zone all senior "citizens" will be forced into once Social Security collapses two or three years from now.

Pluggers have a patriotic bumper sticker addiction problem. Either that, or they really would forget about 9/11 without the constant reminders. Years of prescription drug abuse can do that to you.

Pluggers all received inferior public education. Shockingly.

Pluggers' lives are an unending parade of microwave dinners, death, and ill-fitting clothing. I don't know why microwave dinners, but it seems like something they'd eat while watching barely functional VHS copies of old Murder, She Wrote episodes.

If that mug were full of booze and that rhino just pretended that spill hadn't happened, I could be a Plugger. Barely dodged bullet. Phew.

Terrible Fashion Decisions Caught on Reality TV

First, the first episode of The Bachelorette, Ashley was wearing this sparkly white-person-nude-colored mermaid dress. She is kind of orange, so the dress color is a little too close to her skin and not quite working for her. This is not to mention the fact that she's both muscular and petite, whereas I think mermaid dresses are more suited to ridiculously tall and lanky people (in my opinion). But the color by itself was not flattering:

"Don't worry, in a week or so I'm going to joke about how small your boobs are and how we all wish you were someone else. But then I'll feel bad when your feelings are hurt... so that's something."

I was watching The Haunted on Animal Planet, and saw Bernard here with his unfortunate facial hair. Goatee? Soul patch? Poorly distributed stubble? Make up your mind and either shave all over or not at all, friend.

No. Just no.

On a fabulous episode of It's Me or the Dog entitled "Bully" starred this fellow who was a 20 year-old bro with a scary dog. He was terrified of neutering his dog because he was invested in the animal's balls. Anyway, he was ridiculous:

He definitely has some Four Loko in the fridge.

I've watched a few episodes of My Cat From Hell, and they seem to largely feature neurotic young (white) couples fighting over their misbehaving pets. Por ejemplo: look at these fucking hipsters (nothing is wrong with what they're wearing per se, but they whole scene is just so... you know):

Glasses here has some more "artistic" frames he wears sometimes and enjoys spending time in his workshop with his hipster fucking table saw--just a "couple zips" and you have a new cat climbing shelf!

 Although I shouldn't really be surprised seeing how the show's host/resident cat behaviorist/musician/facial hair artist is this guy:

His name is Jackson Galaxy. This is not a joke.

On an episode about a haunted hotel on The Haunted, I spotted Laurie. Laurie probably went to the beauty shop and put on her best makeup before her talking head interviews and this is still what happened:

Animal Planet is still national television, friend.

I was watching So You Think You Can Dance last week and spotted Mary Murphy wearing a number of unfortunate outfits (not to mention the icky brassy shade of her massive amounts of hair right now), but seriously what is going on with that choker and that purple velour thing?

Friends don't let friend appear on television like this. Maybe these people need some new friends. Or they could call me for advice.

Terrible Fashion Recently Spotted on Reality TV

Friends, I have been quite remiss in my blogging recently what with "school" and "passing my classes so I can get my PhD eventually" and also being depressed about the "crushing blow of poverty" and all. But anyway, I'm done now and currently unemployed. I've signed back on with a clerical temp agency that got me work last summer, I have sent out many resumes, and may or may not be teaching online this summer, depending on whether like five more people sign up and keep my class from getting cancelled. This is all to say that perhaps I will blog more. Or perhaps not. Whatever.

Anyway, anybody who has talked to me in the past year knows I'm obsessed with paranormal investigation TV shows. My relationship with the real-life idea of an afterlife is conflicted (to say the least!) what with growing up Mormon and then becoming an apathetic agnostic/sometimes atheist*/general pessimist about there being anything comforting in the universe. By the by, my friend Will is correct that Outer Darkness would be an awesome topic for a metal concept album. Anyway though, I am open to the idea of residual energies and dimensions we don't understand and also the power of night vision cameras to make everything green and creepy. But I also love the drama of the investigation. Each show uses similar "scientific" tools, but have differing approaches to spirits and/or cryptids.** Since I spend so much time watching this shit, I figure I might as well write about it. This semester, I wrote three separate papers on paranormal investigation TV (one conference paper and two seminar papers):
"The Role of Modern Psychology in Assessing a Paranormal State"
"Scenarios of Discovery on Syfy's Destination Truth" (I am most proud of this one)
"Zak Bagans***: King of the Paranormal Frontier"

This is all by way of extensive introduction to my latest collection of unfortunate television fashion, because numerous examples come from these shows. I watch new episodes, but also have been utilizing Ye Olde Netflix Instant to rewatch numerous past seasons for TOTALLY PROFESSIONAL RESEARCH PURPOSES, I SWEAR. Although during my research I was pleased to see numerous other (presumably young) scholars also working on paranormal TV, like this person Drew at U of O writing all about gender and families and ghost hunting and other stuff that I am all into. Also, I came upon the thesis of this lady Melinda (who happens to be a BG alum) that is all about ghost hunting shows and I totally referenced that shit in my Zak Bagans paper so now you have been cited at least once, Melinda S. Jacobs, M.A.!

So people making bad fashion choices even though they knew they were going to be on TV:

Oh, volunteer caretaker lady of that old plantation place in the recent "Southern Discomfort" episode of Paranormal State, why why WHY with the animal print? There are no cheetahs or leopards or whatever animal that is supposed to be in the southeastern United States. You are not fooling anyone, lady.****

Though this is from NatGeo serious nerd show Egypt's Lost Rival and you are German and an academic, Herr Umlaut, there is no excuse EVER for Steven Pinker hair. Do you want people to think you are a smug douchebag? I didn't think so, because you find out about cool forgotten ancient middle eastern kingdoms where people used to go down into their loved ones' tombs and eat ceremonial meals and then got wiped out by Hittites or some shit.

Oh, substitute psychic lady Kim Russo***** on the "Haunted Attic" episode of Psychic Kids. Why are you orange? Why is your hair so tall? Can't a presence from the beyond tell you that enough is enough when it comes to volumizers? Chip Coffey would never show up with hair that big. Where's Chip?!

Now, having written a whole paper about (neo)colonialist discourses of anthropology, tourism, and scientific discovery on DT, I feel slightly guilty picking on a local informant. But SERIOUSLY. This guy, "Uncle," has not only chosen the creepiest relative (see 4:00-4:30ish) nickname ever, but is wearing the craziest outfit I may have ever seen. Billed as a local paranormal investigator/expert in the "Haunted Mosque" episode, Uncle combines animal print (never a good choice) with camouflage (also an unfortunate pattern). What were you thinking, Uncle?! That we would think you were a jungle cat or just part of the scenery? Because we don't, we can see that you are a ponytailed guy walking around with Josh Gates. Nice try.



*Besides the Sexy Gay Jesus, obvs. His divine fabulousness is too real to ever deny!
**Cryptids are unconfirmed (by science) species sought through the field of cryptozoology.
*** The hyper, muscly faux hawk guy from Ghost Adventures AKA "GhostBro" (Chesnut and Webb 2010). 
****It is possible I have been reading Get Out of There Cat too much.
*****Beware of cheesy instrumental music and glamour shot-type photos on her website! 

Bad Fashion I Saw on TV This Week

Not a lot of outfits I saw on TV struck me as particularly hideous this week, probably due to a higher number of films viewed and a lower number of reality television programs consumed. However, I did see a few "Oh my god you knew you were going on TV and you wore that on purpose anyway?" outfits:

Exhibit A:

Watching an episode of Hoarders from early season two on DVD, I spotted THIS:

This woman is not a hoarder*--she is a but a relative of a hoarder, and therefore should know better than to appear in public/on national television in something as unfortunate as this turtleneck/blouse combination. Not only are turtlenecks generally icky, but this one is BROWN. But the most offensive element of this ensemble (tragically, this is all we get to see of it, but I suspect she is wearing some sort of LEGGINGS!) is the top layer. I am pretty much opposed to animal prints in all situations, but this is a particularly egregious example. It looks like a leopard print that has been "toned down" to a less garish color palette than the animal itself, but is now even uglier! The print itself is messy, and the color scheme is definitely what my mother would call "poopy." You may not be as crazy as your hoarding cousin, Leopard Lady, but you did wear this on a national television show. This does not bode well for your state of mind.

More bitchy fashion observations from things on my TV screen include the following:

Exhibit B:

Not only is she playfully plugging her ears while talking about her murdered boss' various business dealings, but she wore THAT sweater to testify in court, where presumably she knew she would be filmed!

The screenshot quality here is not very good, but I wanted you to be able to get a sense of the fringe in its full glory: encircling her upper torso. Original video starting about 1:28 or so found here.

That bright-blue sweater is a true fashion monstrosity. I'm not going to lie when I say that I'm pretty sure that as a juror I would stop listening to anything this witness said because I just don't think fringe has a place in a court of law. Also, she testified for the defense and Dateline convinced me that the dude on trial totally killed his dad and brother and also shot his mom in the face, though only severely disfiguring her.


*Mocking hoarders' clothes would be too easy. Their lives are already sad enough without me complaining that they didn't pull a more flattering pair of pants out of one of their rat-infested hoard piles.

Reason #2987678 I am my mother: Judging your clothes while I judge your life... on TV

My most frequent comment when watching reality television: "What is s/he wearing?!"* Seriously, though, people--it's not like you didn't know you were going to be on TV. I'll admit that it is usually ladies who get my wrath (men have fewer bad choices available to them, I believe), but everybody comes under my critical eye when they're on my TV. And it doesn't matter that I'm wearing sweats, I'm not on camera.

I'm sorry about your daughter's tragic death/probable murder, but who told you that print and that hairstyle were okay for this decade?

And this State Island bro who refuses to take care of the family dog--what is that shirt thing? Nothing sleeveless should ever have a collar. I think that's just a general rule of fashion that everyone should follow. And what is it with animal prints (clothing or home decor)? That shit should be outlawed.

Oh, off-the-shoulder lady, are you trying to seduce that Mormon Ghost Hunter guy? Whatever you're going for, the result is unfortunate and on national television.

Maybe I'll make this a regular blog feature: Bad Fashion I Saw on TV This Week. If I get at least two comments supporting this, I will make it happen. At least one more time, anyway.


Related, though more clever--my friend Rebekah has diagnosed a serious problem for women featured on hoarding shows: IFB or Ill-Fitting Bra Syndrome. It does stand to reason that if you're letting your 42 cats shit and reproduce in every nook and cranny of your crazy-huge piles of indoor garbage, fashion and personal comfort are probably not a high priority for you.


*Followed by, in no particular order:
-"Oh my god!"
-"These people are crazy!"
-"Why are they doing this?"
-"Ew, gross!"
-"Haven't these people seen this show before?"
-"I love Keith Morrison."
and
-"These people are really bad at murder. I could plan a better crime than this."**

**This is true; I could. If I ever murder somebody, I will plan it perfectly and I will follow the number one cardinal rule of getting away with murder: NEVER, EVER TELL ANYONE. Your special lady may not always be your special lady, and she may come forward two decades from now when DNA technology is more advanced and you will be SCREWED.

Last day of work, personal ramblings, and linkage

Fact: The Pretentious Ex-Boyfriend, the Perpetual Roommate, and I beat up an old printer of mine with a baseball bat that the PR had "borrowed" from the athletic department in front of the middle school across the street from our apartment one night. It was actually really hard to break pieces off of it, but we made up for it by playing "Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta" on some tiny speakers. And then we properly disposed of the debris.

Hey kids,

So... this is my last day of work. At my grownup desk job where I occasionally do data entry but mostly just fuck around on the internet while being paid too much money. The last several months of blogging have been a godsend. Seriously. And maybe it has something to do with the fact that I went back on antidepressants right around the same time I got serious about the blog, but I'm just going to go ahead and give the interwebs some credit for keeping me from hating my job too much and letting it completely suck my soul away. But anyhow, I'm going "back to school," as they say. Which makes me feel kind of old. To be able to say that. But I am. Things are going to be a little crazy for the next month, so I highly doubt I'll be able to top July's 50 posts. Anyway, this weekend I'm going on a random trip to Chicago to visit A Certain Someone Who Has Requested to Never Be Mentioned on This Blog (CSWHRNBMTB) and the Perpetual Roommate. I'll be back late Monday probably, so don't cry if there are no posts. Then I will have a few days to get my shit together for the SCANDINAVIAN TOUR I'm taking with the Perpetual Roommate, after which I have to pack and move to Ohio. And start grad school. And pretend to know what I'm doing.

So here's some links to get you through the weekend. Don't miss me too much while I am off galivanting in my newly-unemployed state!

-Amanda posits the idea that if we're going to interpret the Bible and take Christian doctrine literally, it really looks like god is kind of an asshole. He's playing games, trying to keep the upper hand, making sure he's got control of the situation. Luckily The Sexy Gay Jesus is aware of his male privilege and doesn't abuse it. But then again, I'm not trying to date SGJesus, what with him being gay and all. And Jesus. God, who doesn't return your phone calls. (Pandagon)

-Rachel Sklar over at HuffPo's Eat the Press compiled a sweet set of clips showing how Jon Stewart and the Daily Show crew have been all over sleazy Ted Stevens and his craziness and corruption for ages. It's pretty great. Jon Stewart Knew Ted Stevens Was Up to No Good. (Huffington Post)

-Paul Campos has great take on the whole "OMG the kidz is too fat!" moral panic. Not only is it a manufactured "problem," but as always, the pharmaceutical industry is both the instigator and the benefactor. Check it out. The Real Drug War. (Lawyers, Guns and Money)

-Kieran Healy discusses how we deal with douchebags in public places. Like ones who cut in line and expect people's inclination to avoid conflict to outweigh their sense of fairness. I myself tend to go for the resentful passive-aggressive approach to assholes who stand in front of me at concerts when my friends and I were clearly here first, like, since before the opening band, and WHY IS YOUR BOYFRIEND SO GODDAMN TALL?! No I will not take a picture of you!* Anyway, it's interesting how angry those kinds of situations can get you; angrier than all of the great injustices in the world. Because it's immediate. It's blatant. And whatever it is, it's totally not worth them being a dick about it. Norm Enforcement Is Hard, But People Do It Anyway. (Crooked Timber)

-Over at Jezebel, SadieStein really gets to the heart of the "Pretty Girl" phenomenon. As in, some girls are "Pretty Girls," and some girls (who very well may be totally hot themselves) are "Smart Girls" and/or "Funny Girls." Some of us were a little awkward in junior high and spent our time trying to write the most morbid stories or wear the most random item of clothing taken from our parents' old '70s stash in the basement. But you know what, I had a lot of fun. And though I now recognize my inherent hotness, I'm glad I've got other shit going for me. I like to think about how I am an awesome internet blogger and about to be paid to be a graduate student and how the hottest/most popular girl in our seventh grade class married some guy from our hometown a couple of years ago, and they both work at her dad's restaurant chain. Not that I'm gloating. SMALL BUT RELATED TANGENT: I used to date someone who would constantly tell me how hot I was. That's nice, sure. But I definitely felt pressure to maintain it, you know? I'm pretty lazy, so I only took it so far, but if let yourself be valued for attractiveness like that, you start to invest yourself in it too much. And god knows I don't need to think about my appearance any more than I already do, which is too much. Anyway, I think Sadie's hit the nail on the head with her analysis: Pretty Is As Pretty Does: The Middle School Moment. (Jezebel)

My internet presence will be spotty for a bit, but I'll try and dig in when I get the chance. Happy August, everybody! And happy Lauren's Last Day of Work!



*False. I will. I will take a picture of you and your drunk friends, but I'll still be seething over your drunk, view-impairing ass while I do it.

IM IN UR PATRIOTIC SYMBOLZ, RUINING ALL THE FUN

Recipe from the 1300s, bitchez! God I love trying to parse Middle English. But I'm kind of a special nerd like that.


In lieu of a presidential or other blatantly "historical" post, I thought I would take the opportunity this Thursday to talk about some of those things we Americans hold dear as "quintessentially" ours. Shit we like to cite when we're burning crosses or bombing the schools of small Muslim children. And I'm going to be a bitch about it. Because you know what? Even though we love this shit, some of it sucks, and we didn't even make them up. So, here's the info (including review questions!):


APPLE PIE

Pop quiz!
Anyone who doesn't love apple pie ________________.
a) is a communist
b) is a terrorist
c) was adopted from a foreign communist and/or terrorist country and doesn't know any better
d) is lacking the requisite number of "Patriotic Taste Buds" due to a tragic genetic defect
OR
e) has never had MY apple pie

Answer: any and all of those, my friends. Any and all. Let's get this out of the way, kids: apple pie is delicious. Homemade fucking apple pie. I make it. And it is good. And it is full of butter and sugar and cinnamon and brown sugar and, you know, apples, and America, and MAGIC. But according to my vast Wikipedian research, apple pies have been around for centuries. Like, more than the couple of centuries America has been around for. 'Cause, like, apples aren't even native to North America. They come from fucking Turkey or something. But the colonists were like, "We can't live without our apple pie fermented cider, so let's introduce non-native plants to our new home!" So they did. And wasn't even until, like WWII, when all that bullshit about "Mom and apple pie" started popping up as patriotic. But as we've just learned, "being as American as apple pie," is not really being that American at all. Unless you just mean that we've taken plants and cooking methods from other countries, dumped a bunch of sugar on top of it, and claimed it as our own, then okay. That's pretty fucking American. See above: pocket pies.

If I still have a crush on this kid from when I was nine, does that make me a creep?

BASEBALL

Pop quiz!
Baseball is_______________.
a) boring
b) only good in inspirational sports films*
c) full of overpaid, over-drugged douchebags with good hand-eye coordination
d) supposedly more entertaining if you're drunk, but I have never been THAT drunk
e) inexplicably beloved by many Americans

Answer: Yeah, all of them again! I have attempted to remain coolly objective, but you may have picked up on the fact that I think baseball is stupid. No, I don't think people are stupid for liking it, but it's really not my cup of tea. I mean, it's REALLY not, because I don't even like tea! But anyway, Canadians, Japanese people, amazingly talented refugees from the Dominican Republic, and even GIRLS seem to like baseball. But I tend to like having very few things to care about, and caring about these long, drawn-out sporting events that are sponsored by billion-dollar corporations falls somewhere below my "try not to get scurvy" and "take at least one day a week and DON'T drink" priorities. But anyway, ball/bat games have been around forever and ever, and baseball is totally based on the English rounders. So Americans didn't really make that one up either. Just changed the names and rules a bit and poured a bunch of money on top.


HOT DOGS

Hot dogs are ________________.
a) objectively gross
b) very cheap
c) bewilderingly popular
d) frequently related to baseball
e) made of gross things

Answer: Duh. You guys should know how to play this game by now. I scanned the Wikipedia article to see about its origins and here's what you need to know: the Germans are to blame. Because let me tell you what is also gross: sausage in general. Yuck. I rarely eat things with sausage in them, do not touch bratwurst (barf), and have sworn off hot dogs for life.** Because they are gross. This is one of those things, like beer, that people like, and utilize at baseball games, but I just don't get the appeal. Also gross: mustard, pickles, pretty much anything you might associate with topping a hot dog. Anyway, the main thing about hot dogs and America is that I bet you fifteen energy drinks that we have the most synthetic of the world's hot dogs for sale within our borders. Which, of course, is even grosser than what they actually taste like, which is pretty gross to begin with. Yea, America!


Anyway, what I think we've learned from this little exercise in the exploration of Americana is that I only like things made of 43% sugar or more, and that I am pretty much a fake American. Also, Americans have never invented shit. Except Post-Its. But "American as a a piece of yellow paper with a strip of reusable adhesive on the back" just doesn't quite have the right ring to it.



*See: The Sandlot, A League of Their Own, Angels in the Outfield, etc.

**No hot dogs consumed for five years.

More posty post

Still living the ROCKSTAR® lifestyle here, and not much work to do (avoiding a tedious project with no real deadline that I was only given because I ran out of other stuff to work on), so I'm a-gonna link link link to some good stuff on the Toobz. I'm just going to clear out my list before the weekend, so hold on to your hat! -Remember a while back when I was complaining about how HuffPo condemned their "Living" page to the Pink Ghetto? Well, apparently they took its former green color and made a "Green" page. Okay, fine. But you still didn't have to make all the articles about feelings pink. The Sexy Gay Jesus thinks it is in poor taste, too. And you should always trust The Sexy Gay Jesus on these issues.* But ANYWAY, through the new green Green page, I saw an article about one of my favorite afterschool television heroes, Bill Nye! He and Ed Begley, Jr., another ridiculous person, are neighbors and are trying to see who can be more environmentally friendly. Nerdy competitions that are good for the earth? 100 points awarded to each. Hey, remember when Bill Nye made that grass car? (Featured very briefly in video.) Glad to hear the Billster's still around, up to science-y shenanigans. Bill Nye, Ed Begley Compete to See Who's Greener. (Noaki Schwartz, Huffington Post) -Okay, so crazy, crazy Jesse Ventura has been talking about jumping into a Senate race close to my heart: AKA Al "Awesome Glasses" Franken v. Norm "How Do You People Not See What a Huge Douchebag He Is?!" Coleman. Colleen Werthmann has made some helpful (and awesome) diagrams to help you figure out who you should vote for in what is soon to be known as the 2008 Senatorial Clusterfuck. Minnesota's U.S. Senate race is crazying up nicely. (HuffPo's 23/6) -Apropos of the fact that I am (still) reading Naomi Klein's awesome, awesome book and learning about how Milton Friedman was an evil genius, I appreciated William K. Wolfrum's take on McCain's "economic plan." Prepared to run Milton Friedman's sixth term: John McCain lays out plans to 'starve the beast'. (William K. Wolfrum/Shakesville) -From a while back, The Apostate talks about turning into a bitch. And how it's awesome. I totally agree. Being a nice girl never got me shit, it just got me shit on. Learning to be assertive (still working on it) is a skill too many women never achieve. Don't put up with bullshit, people. You're a person.** I don't care if I come off as bitchy just because I stand up for myself. I'd rather be a bitch than a pushover. Any day. Learning to be a bitch. (The Apostate) -Our dear Hugo wrote a while back about boys and education. The Kathleen Parkers of the world like to claim that education is a zero-sum game: if girls do better, boys must do worse. This is, obviously, bullshit. There's not a finite amount of literacy in this world, people. Anyway, Hugo always comes at things in a really interesting way, and here he tackles some issues that have bothered me for a while about the whole gender/education/achievement mess. Poor white boys: school leaving, male under-performance, and the disaster of masculine anti-intellectualism. (Hugo Schwyzer) -And one more: My sister is the biggest badass at BYU. Pretty much. Goal: Become a legit Led Zeppelin fan: Led Zeppelin I (Cheerful Cynicism) *NOTE: I definitely get a good number of hits from people searching "sexy gay." These people must be severely disappointed that I am just talking about my imaginary gay best friend/deity of choice and do not actually feature porn. Sorry, gay Googlers! I hope you like nerdy U.S. history posting! Hey, Ulysses S. Grant was pretty hot. That's the best I can do. **"I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there's a person. And each person deserves to be treated... like a person."