In lieu of a presidential or other blatantly "historical" post, I thought I would take the opportunity this Thursday to talk about some of those things we Americans hold dear as "quintessentially" ours. Shit we like to cite when we're burning crosses or bombing the schools of small Muslim children. And I'm going to be a bitch about it. Because you know what? Even though we love this shit, some of it sucks, and we didn't even make them up. So, here's the info (including review questions!):
Anyone who doesn't love apple pie ________________.
a) is a communist
b) is a terrorist
c) was adopted from a foreign communist and/or terrorist country and doesn't know any better
d) is lacking the requisite number of "Patriotic Taste Buds" due to a tragic genetic defect
e) has never had MY apple pie
Answer: any and all of those, my friends. Any and all. Let's get this out of the way, kids: apple pie is delicious. Homemade fucking apple pie. I make it. And it is good. And it is full of butter and sugar and cinnamon and brown sugar and, you know, apples, and America, and MAGIC. But according to my vast Wikipedian research, apple pies have been around for centuries. Like, more than the couple of centuries America has been around for. 'Cause, like, apples aren't even native to North America. They come from fucking Turkey or something. But the colonists were like, "We can't live without our
b) only good in inspirational sports films*
c) full of overpaid, over-drugged douchebags with good hand-eye coordination
d) supposedly more entertaining if you're drunk, but I have never been THAT drunk
e) inexplicably beloved by many Americans
Answer: Yeah, all of them again! I have attempted to remain coolly objective, but you may have picked up on the fact that I think baseball is stupid. No, I don't think people are stupid for liking it, but it's really not my cup of tea. I mean, it's REALLY not, because I don't even like tea! But anyway, Canadians, Japanese people, amazingly talented refugees from the Dominican Republic, and even GIRLS seem to like baseball. But I tend to like having very few things to care about, and caring about these long, drawn-out sporting events that are sponsored by billion-dollar corporations falls somewhere below my "try not to get scurvy" and "take at least one day a week and DON'T drink" priorities. But anyway, ball/bat games have been around forever and ever, and baseball is totally based on the English rounders. So Americans didn't really make that one up either. Just changed the names and rules a bit and poured a bunch of money on top.
Hot dogs are ________________.
a) objectively gross
b) very cheap
c) bewilderingly popular
d) frequently related to baseball
e) made of gross things
Answer: Duh. You guys should know how to play this game by now. I scanned the Wikipedia article to see about its origins and here's what you need to know: the Germans are to blame. Because let me tell you what is also gross: sausage in general. Yuck. I rarely eat things with sausage in them, do not touch bratwurst (barf), and have sworn off hot dogs for life.** Because they are gross. This is one of those things, like beer, that people like, and utilize at baseball games, but I just don't get the appeal. Also gross: mustard, pickles, pretty much anything you might associate with topping a hot dog. Anyway, the main thing about hot dogs and America is that I bet you fifteen energy drinks that we have the most synthetic of the world's hot dogs for sale within our borders. Which, of course, is even grosser than what they actually taste like, which is pretty gross to begin with. Yea, America!
Anyway, what I think we've learned from this little exercise in the exploration of Americana is that I only like things made of 43% sugar or more, and that I am pretty much a fake American. Also, Americans have never invented shit. Except Post-Its. But "American as a a piece of yellow paper with a strip of reusable adhesive on the back" just doesn't quite have the right ring to it.
*See: The Sandlot, A League of Their Own, Angels in the Outfield, etc.
**No hot dogs consumed for five years.