The Godfather Part II, drinkin' and bloggin'

It's 1:30 a.m. I had a really fun improv show tonight and started drinking celebratory vodka and Monster at 10:30 p.m. Isaac has gone to bed. I have to work in 11 hours. [Editor's note: I am also the editor, and I'll have you know that this is long because the movie is long but I really did cut out numerous drunken rambling asides, especially near the end. You're welcome.] Goddamn, young Pacino, your hot face is hot. Yes to those beautiful dead eyes as some dude kisses your hand.

SCREEN WORD THINGS:

"The godfather was born Vito Andolini in the town of Corleone in Sicily. In 1901 his father was murdered for an insult to the local Mafia chieftain. His older brother Paolo swore revenge and disappeared into the hills, leaving Vito, the only male heir, to stand with his mother at the funeral. He was nine years old."

Funeral procession through dry rocky field. Band and altar boys. Little Vito in an adorable newsboy cap. Gunshots! The procession scatters. Screaming. Paolo is dead, apparently. RUDE. Their mom is sad (duh). At some fancy compound, the mom brings little Vito to a fancy looking man drinking from a tiny glass. Don Ciccio. Oh, he's the one who had the family killed. His mom says Vito is only nine and "dumb-witted." Supposedly he doesn't even talk. The mom assures the Don her son won't come back for more revenge. The Don's like, "No, bitch." She threatens the Don with a knife like a badass, the Don's bodyguards shoot her, and Vito runs away. Word is spread that anybody hiding the boy will be killed, but somebody does hide him in the side pocket of a donkey's saddle to escape because obviously.

I got specific because he's Italian, see?

A ship to Americaaaa! Statue of Liberty. Glad to see Vito learned so many good lessons about crime syndicates and revenge from his family tragedies. (This is a sarcasm.) Ellis Island. Lines, lots of European immigrants and customs officials. One black lady! Vito and the customs guy have a language barrier and his name is incorrectly written down as "Vito Corleone." Skinny little kid getting examined by a doctor now. Something about smallpox. He gets put in a tile room with a bed and a chair and sings to himself. Quarantine of some kind, I guess? Who lets a nine year-old emigrate alone? I sure hope a family friend is coming to meet him or something.

Okay, now we see "His grandson Anthony Vito Corleone, Lake Tahoe, Nevada, 1958." This is Michael and Kay's eldest child. He's about to get his First Communion. The whole thing's in Latin because it's pre-Vatican II. Now there's an exciting party on the lake. Dancing, a band, fancy '50s cars, and drinks galore. Connie's shown up to the party, one week late from the airport. She wants to see Michael but her mom's like, WTF, go see your kids first. One of the senators from the state of Nevada is making a speech now. This is a serious First Communion party. There's press and everything. The Senator can't pronounce any of the Italian names correctly. Michael and Kay have donated a lot of money to the state university. A boys' choir now sings. Photo op with the Corleones and the Senator and his wife. Kay's hair has calmed down from the first movie, but now it's very brown now and slightly dowdy. I love the way this opening sequence mirrors the first movie with the large family celebration as a backdrop for serious godfather wheeling and dealing in his office. No rest for the wicked, amirite?

The Senator's come to talk to Mike. Mike won't dismiss his counselors. Robert Duvall has lost a lot of hair since the first movie. The Senator takes some pills. Something about hotel licenses and money. Senator says he "doesn't like your kind of people" and says something about "oily hair." Hating organized crime is one thing, but there's no need to be racist about it. The Senator is asking for a LOT of money for a gaming license, admitting he's squeezing them. Mike is like, "No. Also, no. And, fuck you." The lake and mountains are beautiful. An old man drinks out of a hose as Fredo shows up on a boat, wearing a  tuxedo jacket that looks like Christmas wrapping paper. The old man is mourning somebody. He and his Elvis-lookalike compatriot are wearing black armbands. He can't get in to see Mike.

Nobody wants to find Fredo under the tree.

Some guys show up to meet with Michael. They've brought him a Florida orange. Mike asks Tom to step out. This guy tells Mike who owns the casino they're interested in buying. Something about some dude in Cleveland. I don't know, who cares? This guy says Roth is the only of their old friends left because of death and prison. Outside, the old mustache guy heckles the band to play Italian music. Connie and her boyfriend Merle come to see Mike. They're going to get married and then take a trip to Europe. Apparently she just got divorced. Mike gives her shit about being a shitty mother and a lil bit slutty. She's like, "Don't tell me what to do, Not Dad." And he's like, "You still need my money." She's smoking and wearing stupid jewels. Mike wants her to stay on the estate with the family. This plan doesn't appeal to her. Forget Merle, he says. Mike's like, "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed." He won't outright disown her, but he knows what he's doing, passive-aggression-wise.

The band plays into the night. They cheers to "a hundred years" (in Italian, duh). None of Vito's kids are married to Italians. The old guy is drunk. Fredo's wife is blonde and a sloppy drunk. She falls down on the dance floor. Fredo drags her off.  Fredo threatens to hit her but she DGAF. Fredo lets a security guy drag her away after she continues to make a scene.

You do not get to have opinions about business, Frankie.

The mustache guy, Frankie,  says the Clemenzas and the Rosatos are arguing about New York family business. Mike's like, "You're still a Corleone, so you have to do my shit." Something something a Jew in Miami. Roth, I guess? Frank is ranting about "hoors." He is pissed that Mike wants to keep doing business with Hyman Roth. He is drunk but says he'll fall in line. This full bar in this house is amazing.  Michael and Kay dance at the party. He asks about the baby. She says it feels like a boy. He apologizes about all the people showing up today. He said the family would be legit in five years and it's been seven. She believes him for some reason all the time. Probs because he's hot, though the '40s fashions were way sexier.

The walls in the bedroom are either hideous rock or hideous faux rock. RUSTIC! Anthony's left his dad a picture of him in a car with the crayon message "Do you like it Dad, yes or no?" Kay asks why the drapes are open. Lots of shooting from outside. He army crawls to her side of the bed and pulls her onto the ground. Scary! Security is all up and running on the compound NOW. Pretty clearly this is Frankie's doing, right? Kay and Mama Corleone and some other lady (a nanny?) snuggle the scared kids. Kay's PISSED. Rightfully so. Still though, you married him. God he is so hot all the time. I never knew I had a Pacino thing until now, you guys.

Tom, in his adorbs PJs (which I could not find a picture of, THANKS A LOT, INTERNET), is concerned about Mike. Mike tells Tom he kept things from him to protect him, but he trusts him more than Fredo or anyone else. He calls him his brother. Tom gets teary. He is definitely your bro, at least until he, too, must inevitably betray you because the message of these movies is clearly that Crime Does Not Pay. Mike's going to slink away into the night, leaving Tom in charge of Fredo and his people and protecting his family. The wrinkles just starting to form around his eyes are so hot. Fredo's drunk wife screams and is getting dragged somewhere (still? again?). Two dudes have been shot. From New York? Mike wanted them alive, but it's too late now. Tom starts to assert his authority. Mike goes to say good-bye to Anthony. He loves him, but is a terrible father, just like his own. Anthony liked his presents, but didn't know the people who gave them to him. Kinda like a wedding. Anthony wants to go with Mike on his "business" trip. "Someday," Michael says.

1917, young Robert De Niro is adult Vito. There's a lady and a baby. I'm guessing this one's Sonny, the oldest, who will one day be killed in a hail of bullets at a fake toll booth in New Jersey. Now there's a Vaudeville show of some kind. Vito's "got to see" some hot chick performing. Is she going to be Mama Corleone? De Niro's friend has a unibrow. Unibrow's so proud of his girlfriend, but they wouldn't show her unless Vito is going to fuck her, right? She has INSANELY long hair. Past her hands hanging at her sides. Vito's intrigued by Don Fanucci, "The Black Hand," in the audience.

I'm out of vodka. Time to get friendly with the soju. (2:30. That is soju o'clock.) Vito watches as the Don extorts a dude for money by threatening to stab the young woman. Unibrow explains what is the what to Vito, which you think he would've picked up in the last 16 years in the Italian-American community? Back at home, Vito's wife is like, "Why you be so distant?" He's like, "NOTHING, GEEZ." Vito's neighbor asks him to hide a blanket full of guns. The Don comes into Vito's grocery store to get more money from Unibrow's dad, the owner. There's nobody to protect the Italians, that's how he gets away with it. The boss has to fire Vito since Fanucci's nephew needs a job. He feels really bad, but Vito's cool about it and gives him a hug. The boss tries to make him take a box of groceries home. He should've taken it. You've got a wife and a baby, bro. But he has brought her a pear. FANCY! The gun guy from earlier, Clemenza, has come to claim his goods. Clemenza offers a nice rug in return for Vito's favor. He'll accept. Chickens in the road! Old-timey New York!

Clemenza pretends to be pissed some guy isn't home and breaks into a house to steal the rug, claiming he won't mind. Young De Niro is pretty hot, too, but I've know that since I saw all but the last ten minutes of Taxi Driver.* They move a table and start to roll up the rug. There's a brief scare with a delivery man at the door, but they make it out with the rug okay and Vito knows what's what. Baby Sonny does not like Clemenza, but I bet he'll get to love army crawling around on that sweet new rug.

BACK TO THE FUTURE. Michael escapes into the night in a fancy train car because the 1950s. A suspicious-looking man in all black and a hat sits nearby. Oh, probably a bodyguard, not an assassin, since Mike seems non-nonplussed. Palm trees and amazing 1950s boat cars. Michael follows some other dude and eventually they both park on the little boulevard strip or whatever. (No curbs.) The other dude has a peach-colored suit on and jogs up to the front door of a cute one-story house. A lady invites Mike inside. Oh, it's Hyman Roth's house. I wonder what his Jewish friend can do for him now. He's lounging in front of the TV. The curtains are made of the same materials as the ugly wicker furniture. FLORIDA!! Hyman loves sports. Mike turns up the TV so the wife won't hear. He says there's going to be more bloodshed, but they don't want a war. He knows it was Frankie who tried to knock him out. Hyman's wife brings lunch in on a sweet TV tray and turns the TV back down. Roth likes Mike. He doesn't care of Frankie gets killed.

The snow falls at what I think is the old Corleone compound in New York. Frankie shows up and his wife is like, "Mike's here. Been waiting awhile." I think everybody knows this is bad, even the ladies who don't get told nothing. In comparison to the first movie, there's a lot more Italian dialogue. Mike yells at Frank about that whole assassination attempt in his family home but says he wants Frank to help him with revenge. His coat has so many buttons. They are attractive. Mike asks Frank to "lay down" to the Rosatos. Frank says Roth is backing them. Mike says it was Hyman who tried to have him killed. Mike reminisces about the family home. Mike's playing this so good. He is really awesome at swallowing emotions for politics.

Fredo and his sexy slut wife sleep in satin sheets on a bed with a mirror headboard. The phone rings and it's Johnny. Something bad is happening. Fredo has gotten into something bad and is trying to claim he's not in it now, I guess? In NYC, Frankie goes to meet with a Rosato bro, I guess. They go to a bar in daylight. Some guy says, "Michael Corleone says hello" while choking him with a garrotte. It's loud. A cop wanders into the bar. Awkward. A shooting match goes down, I guess. Frankie's not dead. Cars peel out. Okay, now a small plane lands on a dark runway somewhere where there are mountains. I miss mountains. Tom shows up at a brothel, I think. "Come on, girls, take a hike, huh?" I bet they know so many secrets. I hope they all write best-selling memoirs one day. Apparently the Senator has been caught with his pants down (literally) with a dead prostitute. She's all tied-up and bloody. He claims he passed out and doesn't know what happened. Tom tells him it's a good thing his bro Fredo runs this place. OMG they own the Senator TOTES FOR REALSIES. Tom's like, "She's got no family, so whatevskis." But SRSLY with the pwnage. Kay is trying to go out to the grocery store, but Tom says she's not allowed to leave because of Michael's orders for safety. Her striped coat and hat are pretty awesome and she's pissed.

The president of Cuba is joining you.

I'm guessing from the palm trees, Spanish music, and brown people that we're in Mexico now. J/K, that was a racist assumption, apparently Mike's gone to Cuba. I guess this is before the revolution. Small children try to sell them newspapers and shit through the car windows. Mike keeps wearing that stupid gray suit. Some sort of meeting of North American capitalists, including Mike and Hyman Roth. The president is pretty pumped about a solid gold telephone. Mike and his men get stopped at some sort of mass military arrest. There's shooting and a rebel blows himself up with a grenade. Now it's Hyman's birthday. Is this "Cuba" cake poisoned? Now Mike's got an ascot thing going on, which I do not think is hot. Hotels and casinos in Havana are totes awesome blahblahblah. Mike will inherit all of the Havana operation when Roth dies and/or retires. "L'chaim!" Mike thinks the Cuba rebels can win. Roth is like, "Whatever." But then for reals he says, "We were running molasses out of Havana when you were a baby." This is is now my go-to insult.

I really wanted it to turn into this.

Okay, so Hyman and Mike are disagreeing about some things but also plotting? The doors are open, the fan is on, Hyman is shirtless (but has a lot of chest hair and very high-waisted pants to keep him warm), but Mike is still wearing his (white) jacket and pacing. Tropical suits. Old-timey menswear is so amazing. Overly formal and too many layers for summer, but far more practical than lady clothes of almost any era. Roth is apparently dying. Cuba is awesome because their government is friendly crooked capitalists. Roth has fuzzy shoulders. Roth says Mike could be president and that they're "bigger than U.S. Steel." NOTHING CAN GO WRONG NOW!  Fredo shows up to the Capri Hotel and won't let go of one of his bags. He hugs Mike. He introduces himself as Freddie now. Apparently he's got $2 million in cash in that briefcase. Poor, stupid Freddie. I'm kind of into tie clips. Maybe I should just start dressing in old-timey man drag.

Freddie's all like, "My wife/family sitch sucks." Apparently their mom used to say he was abandoned on their doorstep by Gypsies. Freddie says he was mad at him and... Fredo gets drunk while Mike drinks club soda. Mike says he wants Freddie to show some government people a good time. He is definitely having his bro murdered. Okay, but he says that he (Mike) will be assassinated. He says it will be Roth. Okay, this is part of the larger play. FUUUUUUCK. His last brother to be killed. But I also don't think he fully trusts Roth and is playing him too because he is the smartest and the prettiest little mafioso that ever was.

Roth's health is not great. He has such high pants and such thick chest hair He sends his wife down to the casino. OMG this whole movie is like "Who did a thing but are you lying but also let's wear suits and make deals what is happening." I am a bit drunk, so it may be harder to tell. Oh, I should pour another soju! But Mike's like, "Who had Frank killed?" He claims he didn't give the go-ahead. Roth looks a bit guilty. Late 1950s decor is so uggggly. Roth keeps emphasizing how much he loved Vito. Moe Greene invented Las Vegas. Remember when Mike had Moe killed last movie? Shot in the eye during a massage. Roth knows it was him. Roth wants the $2 mil from Fredo. It's intense that each dude has his own bodyguard in the meetings. What they must know! A fancy song and dance show in front of a fountain. Silver bikinis. Mike meets up with the Senator Who Owes Them and some other senators. Johnny Ola, Hyman's orange-suited guy, is also there. Fredo brings everybody to some sweet dive bar. It's New Years. Fake hijabed ladies tie up another lady and throw some lady to the floor. Mike is Not Interested. The lady in her cape turns around is apparently naked. Freddie's having a great time, even though his bro is supposedly about to be almost-murdered.

Roth's man Johnny is getting strangled with a wire hanger by Mike's bodyguard. The bodyguard always wears all black because of totes being inconspicuous. He finds Hyman surrounded by doctors. They're going to bring him to the hospital. Back at some fancy new year's party, the American gov types. Mike stays sober while Fredo goes off to find a "real drink." I feel like Mike's man could really use a cellphone at this point, but I guess they already knew Hyman was dying, so he should finish him off no matter what. Military police watch the Feliz Ano Nuevo party. The Senator wonders where Roth is. Mike watches some soldiers goose-step out of the party. The hospital personnel pull the nurse out of Roth's room to celebrate the New Year for just a minute and Mike's man in black slips inside. He's dying, why must he die tonight, I wonder? He's caught trying to smother Roth by a nurse and some cops/soldiers, who shoot him to death. Mike tells his brother there's a plane to Miami waiting for them and kisses him real hard telling him he knows it was him (who arranged the hit at his house, I think). "You broke my heart." That is some sad shit.

But SRSLY, have we not been over this?

Reveling in the street. Military jeeps. Some sort of speech I don't care to follow. The Cuban president is resigning. Mike slips out of the party. People are Unsettled by the news. Mike tries to convince his brother to come with him. "You're still my brother!" But Fredo runs away. People attempt to run away, getting on boats, storming the U.S. Embassy. Oh, I forgot to drink that soju. REMEDYING THAT NOW. Mike gets out though, as planned. Back in Vegas with Tom, in a room with hideous wallpaper, he has a vest on. YES! He wants to know what Tom got his kid for Christmas. The bodyguards step outside. Different from the dead one, obvs. Tom says Fredo must've gotten out. Mike wants Tom to get a hold of him and to tell him it's okay to come home. Tom tells Michael that Kay had a miscarriage. This is info he should be getting firsthand. He wants to know if it was a boy. Why does it matter? (I know why it matters, but it shouldn't.)

BACK IN TIME. Young Vito looks concerned. Little Fredo has pneumonia. He's got a fat belly and we see his tiny baby penis for unknowable reasons. Some lady tries to suction a candle on his chest or something. Vito is driving a car. Fanucci wants money from him from his supposed goods-stealing business. Vito's got to talk to his business partners. Fanucci walks off with a silk robe. Vito's partners are Clemenza and Tessio (who is played by Abe Vigoda in the first movie, which takes place 30-ish years in the future). I was trying to figure out how I recognized young Tessio, and I think it's because he played Nick Katsopolis, the maternal grandfather of the girls on Full House. And/or all the TV he's done for all the years. Hey guys, this movie is 200 minutes long. I have paused a bunch so it's 4:00 a.m. and I am only 110 in. I killed a bottle of vodddzz tonight, and I will def be killing this bottle of soju too. Good thing Isaac and I are celebrating Valentine's Day tomorrow (today) and also will have the evening free for booze shopping (before 8 p.m because this is St. Paul). Mama Corleone makes so many plates of spaghetti. Vito claims Fanucci will accept it if they each only give $50. He claims he'll take care of it. Vito's starting to collect favors. Salut!

Maybe more Kanye than RuPaul, but impractical/dapper either way.

A band plays on some sort of Italian holiday. Even with that douchey slicked-back hair, I am into what De Niro is laying down, attractiveness-wise. National anthem. First communion kids? Vito uses his scratchy voice to assure his compadres that he will make Fanucci an offer he can't refuse. HIS FAVORITE PHRASE, YOU GUYYYZ. It's very dark in this restaurant. Fanucci slams his white hat down onto the money on the table. It's only $100. Vito claims he's short on money. Fanucci is wearing all white. That's some Mormon temple shit. He's impressed by Vito's balls and guts. He quickly chugs his espresso. He pinches Vito's cheek and walks out with his coat draped upon his soldiers. I feel like that's a very RuPaul thing to do right now.

A procession outside. A golden Jesus with money clipped all over. Bills. Who will end up with it? Probs Fanucci. He clips a bill to something. Vito follows Fanucci down the street from the rooves above. Is "rooves" not a word? Is it roofs? Whatever, I'm sticking with ROOOOOVES. Fanucci's fucking white suit. He genuflects like I pretend to do sometimes because I work for the Catholics. Fanucci has a nasty neck scar. I assume somebody's tried to kill him before. Fuck, De Niro is hot. I GET IT, BABY BOOMERS. Pacino and De Niro OMG YES. Vito breaks into Fanucci's building. With a towel, he unscrews a lightbulb in the stairwell. Now the towel is wrapped around a big gun. Homemade silencer! Fanucci realizes something's up with the light as Vito aims his be-toweled gun from across the hall. He shoots Fanucci in his front hall while the band and fireworks sound outside. Vito's towel lights on fire. He uses a pistol to finish the job in Fanucci's mouth. He hides pieces of the gun down various chimneys as he escapes the scene relatively casually. All the Italians celebrate in the street below. Vito gets back to his stoop and picks up baby Michael, who will be his favorite. INSERT DISC 2. It's 4:15 am, but I will do it!

A black car drives up to the snowy Lake Tahoe compound gates. SOJU SHOT! I like the ADT Security sign on the gate. Little red car outside (the gift Tom got for Anthony for Christmas). With a half-smoked cigarette in his mouth, Michael walks into the house. Has he always smoked? Probably. Everybody in these old movies (esp. an old movie that's a period piece) smoked. Is this where his family is, or are they somewhere else? Oh, he comes upon Kay sewing in a room that has matching wallpaper, curtains, and furniture upholstery. If she hears him come in, she doesn't respond.

A dude testifies in front of Congress? about the Corleone family. The verb behest is used. YESSSSS. Who is this douche? The guy says he's never met Mike. Our Nevada Senator friend is on the committee, of course. He's trying to help subtly. Mike, in full three-piece suit, walks across his family grounds. He goes to see his mom in the guest house. He wants to know what his dad felt deep inside. Like he'd ever tell his wife that shit. Mike worries about losing his famiglia. HIS ACTUAL FAMILY OR THE CRIME SYNDICATE WHAT HIS MOM CONFLATES BOTH HARD SAD FEELINGS TIMES CHANGIN'.

Young Vito's got some more money, looking classy, getting favors from street vendors, talking in that stupid scratchy voice--I want there to be an origin story for that. Vito goes to see some old lady. Her dog bothers the neighbors and the landlord is mad. I'm not sure this is a job for a mob boss. He said he can help her move, but she wants to stay. Vito finds the landlord outside his barber's. The landlord is a fancy man with his decorative cane. The landlord isn't Sicilian, Cabrese. He rented the apartment already. The rent is $5 a month!!! Vito's like, "Do me this favor. I'll pay the difference in rent increase and she keeps the dog." Awww jah. Landlord Roberto shows up at Don Vito's olive oil shop. He's all repentant now. He returns Vito's money. He's been scared off somehow. I looked at Facebook for a second and don't know why. The door is sticky. Hahahha. Genco Import Co. "olive oil and cheese." That's their business. Viiiito.

Mike Corleone has been called in front of the congressional committee. Our Friend the Senator says his BFFs are all Italian-Americans and says he has to leave. TACKY. Rotten apples and barrels! Remember when the Senator "accidentally" killed that hoor? This dude with awesome glasses and and a mustache is ridic. They bring up the 1947 murder of the police captain and Sollozzo. And the deaths of the Five Families in 1950. He has investments in casinos and shit. This cranky, mustachioed congressman looks like a younger version of my father in law. I'm so glad Kay is back there in some giant drapey blouse/dress thing supporting Michael. Mike brings up being a Navy war hero. He's never been arrested. They're making a big deal about him not taking the Fifth. The chariman is like, "We'll indict the fuck out of you soon." Oh, here's Frankie, still alive, in an FBI safehouse, I'm guessing. He gonna die. I'm glad there's a pool table in there. Tom tells Mike they can't get to Frank. He's still worried about Fredo. Roth fucked errrybody, I guess.

Mike goes to see Fredo, who is all despondent and claims he knows very little. Fredo has always been embarrassed that his kid brother is in charge. OMG is this movie still happening? I made a quesadilla. Fredo claims he's smart. Mike wants info about the investigation. The Senate lawyer is Roth's man, he says. Fredo has betrayed Mike a bunch, so he says, "You're nothing to me now." He wants to make sure they don't run into each other at their mom's. Mike wants Fredo protected as long as his mom's still alive.

Is Vito in a Nazi uniform? Military dudes salute each other.  Maybe I'm confused. [Ed. note: I have no idea what this was in reference to.]

Oh, to be one of the cops right now.

Frankie has shown up to testify at the hearings. He watches while Mikey is patted down at the door. Some other old guy stares at Frankie. Not sure if I should know who it is. Frankie gets scared and claims he knows no godfather. Mike whispers into the other old guy's ear. Kay wears a stupid hat that matches a stupid jacket. Frankie's like, "I was in the olive oil business with his dad a long time ago." Apparently the other old guy is Vincenzo, Frankie's brother. The congressguy who looks like my father in law is pissed.

I like how it looks like she's wearing a suit made of the couch upholstery.
EVERYTHING IN THE '50s MUST MATCH.

Kay says she and the kids are leaving. Mike is sad. She's like, "It's too late, baby." Kay wants info. They argue. The kids play with the nanny in the hallway. Michael chugs water. He doesn't want to hear about their kids' problems. This vest is so hot. He's like, "I won't let you take the kids" because he is scary. He's terrible. He'll make up the miscarriage to her, he claims. He's going to change. Ahahahahah no way. She doesn't believe him and she shouldn't and she never should've married him. Oh, it wasn't a miscarriage, she had an abortion. She calls it all "unholy and evil." It was a boy. He hits her. NOT OKAY.

Wait, did they actually produce olive oil at one point?

An oompah band plays somewhere in Italy, probably. Young Vito and his fam get off the train to greet his mother. Family reunion, vineyard blahblahblah. That quesadilla was magic. Un poquito mas lemonade. Adult Vito in a STELLAR three-piece brown suit shows up to confront the scary Don of his youth. Don Ciccio is old and napping now. Something about olive oil in the U.S. All a mafia biz, of course. De Niro, mustachioed, looks on hotly (but not as hotly as Pacino). He kisses the old man's hand. He slashes the old man all up over his chest in a diagonal manner that seems like it should be real hard to do. His accomplice gets shot and they back out of the compound real fast. With his (now) four children,  the priest blesses the Corleones. Vito always loved Michael best. Will I feel that way about one of my babies one day?

Use this knowledge carefully.

Mama Corleone is dead and her boobs look AMAZING. Super-skinny Connie comforts Fredo. Tom wants to talk to Fredo. Mike is waiting for Fredo to leave. Connie can go talk to him, at least. She never tried to have him killed. This is a luxe boat house. He's there with his kids in the dark. Kay's not coming. Connie was hurting herself to hurt Mike. She forgives him for being strong like their dad and wants him to forgive Fredo. He looks so hot in his black three-piece in this chair. At what I believe is the wake, Mike hugs Fredo. I do not personally hug my own brothers, but neither of them have tried to have me killed (THAT I KNOW OF). Mike gives his new bodyguard a look. I think it's time Fredo was actually killed. Tom looks hot. He brings some manila folders to Mike. Roth has been rejected from Israel. I really thought he was going to die a long time ago. Mike, "He's been dying of the same heart attack for twenty years." TOTES. Mike's like, I don't care how much security, we're going to kill that mofo. He tells Tom he can take his family and his mistress to Las Vegas and get out of the business. But Tom'll stay. Fredo has taken li'l Anthony fishing. I think this will end badly. Apparently to catch a fish you've gotta say a Hail Mary. Hey, if anybody was ever like, "How do I get Lauren to fuck me?" Three-piece suit.

Tom's gone to visit Frankie in prison. His bro went back to Italy. Tom and Frankie share cigars. Frankie was a Hitler supporter, apparently. How much fucking more of this movie is there? The family used to be like the Roman Empire. Duvall makes a balding man look good. Tom implies to Frankie that if he kills himself, they'll take care of his family. Not sure why it matters if he lives now? Connie is looking very matronly these days. She comes in and tells Kay she has to go because "he's coming." Her striped coat is still awesome. Those poor kids. Anthony doesn't want to kiss her. OMG PACINO HOTHOT. Polo shirt with camel coat and matching scarf. He shuts the door on sad Kay.

Somebody goes out on a boat. This fucking luxe boathouse. Fredo and Anthony's fishing trip gets interrupted. Mike wants to take Anthony to Reno. Connie is apparently some kind of family enforcer and also are all her kids grown now? Now the only other guy in the boat with Fredo is New Bodyguard. Fredo gonna die. Roth gets arrested at the airport. Frankie's FBI handlers have lost him. Roth claims he's a retired investor living on a pension. Somebody stabs him in the airport and gets shot. Frankie's slashed his wrists in the bathtub. Fredo says the Hail Mary on the boat on Lake Tahoe. Mike waits until the gunshot. The murder business is pretty murder-y. He's so sad, but he has nice watches and rings now.

Flashback to when Sonny introduced Carlo to Connie. Sonny calls Mike "Einstein." Vigoda brings a cake. The Glory Days. That cake is insane. Oh, I'm pretty sure I mislabeled this family dinner scene as part of the first movie. Something about Jap-lovers. Sonny says, "Country ain't your blood." Mike says he's quit college and joined the Marines. The kids in the background don't know what's up. The brothers contemplate Mike's decision and the godfather's birthday. Mike emphasizes that it's "My future." Last time he'll make that claim. He doesn't join in on the surprise. Fucking family.

Sexy aging Michael remembers his dad with him in Sicily. He continues to wear his wedding ring. He is alone.


*I rented Taxi Driver once from an actual, physical video rental place in, like, 2006. The DVD was scratched, but only at the last ten minutes and they didn't have any other copies. I was filled with rage and then clearly forgot about it because I never did bother to watch the rest. I'm pretty sure it's just De Niro killing lots of people. 

Movie Classics: I drink and live-blog The Godfather

Well, Isaac and I are watching 1972's The Godfather now [Note: this was, like a couple of weeks ago at this point, obvs because lazy] which neither of us has ever seen because we are philistines and illegitimate cultural studies scholars. Strap in, it's gonna be a long one!

Some immigrant guy talks about how is daughter was beaten up by some wannabe rapists and she won't be beautiful anymore. The men's prison sentences were suspended. Marlon Brando wants to know why the guy went to the police first. Brando plays with a cute kitty who is super-chill and is like, "SRSLY though, why should I help you since you've never wanted to hang out with me before?" Brando wishes he'd called him "Godfather." He acts offended that the guy has offered him money for "justice" against the perpetrators. The sad dude kisses his hand and the Godfather relents because it's his daughter's wedding day. He'll ask him for repayment one day, though.

A gigantic wedding celebration. Don Corleone is upset that someone named Michael is missing and doesn't want to take the photos without him. Lots of dancing. Hideous salmon-colored wedding party dresses.

Some detectives(?) write down license plate numbers parked outside the party, where much raucous dancing is taking place. It is very sunny. Abe Vigoda has apparently never been a young man. Some party guests do not want to be photographed. The Godfather's son goes out to yell at the cops, who are apparently FBI. He spits at them, throws one guy's camera down, and drops a few bills as compensation. Back in the Don's office, some bakery guy wants help keeping an immigrant in the country so he can marry his daughter. Don and his son discuss how they will delegate these tasks. Some dude practices his thank-you speech for Don Corleone.

The Don's son Michael, in full military garb, explains to his blonde girlfriend who the various guests are. Tom Hagen, the Don's assistant, is apparently the Don's adoptive son and is very trusted, despite not being Sicilian. The speech practicer hands the Godfather some money. The bride has a huge veil thing sticking out of her dress and dances sassily with her groom.

How to Make It in Hollywood Step 1: Get a godfather of some kind.

Later on, some singing dudes pressure Signora Corleone to go up and sing with band. Some Italian song is happening. Some dreamboat movie star or something has shown up to the wedding, causing a ruckus among all the young ladies, who want his autograph. Apparently he's a friend of the bride. Johnny gets peer-pressured into singing a song. Johnny's the Don's godson. He got Johnny out of a contract with death threats. Kay, the Aryan girlfriend played by an incredibly young Diane Keaton (I thought I recognized her!) seems kind of freaked out. Michael claims not to be in the family business, but I imagine he will be forced to choose at some point during the next two hours and forty minutes. Michael introduces Kay to his brother Fredo, who seems pretty drunk. Johnny tells the Godfather about some movie he wants to be in so he can "get back on top." Tom summons Sonny, yet another son, who is fucking a bridesmaid in the bathroom. Johnny is crying and the Don slaps and mocks him. But then, like a master manipulator, he comforts him. The Godfather will give the studio head an offer he can't refuse. OMG the cake is like 5 stories tall. Michael insists that Annie Hall get in the family photo. That's going to be awkward later once they break up since it's 1972 and PhotoShop hasn't been invented yet. The Godfather and his daughter dance. Clapping.

Tom's been sent to California to convince this movie guy, Woltz, to hire Johnny. Mr. Woltz wears an amazing jacket and smokes a pipe. Woltz throws around some racial slurs. Tom's like, I'm a lawyer, and you're going to want to do this for us, motherfucker. Once Woltz finds out who Tom works for, he's awfully friendly. They have drinks and look at his nice horses on his compound. Woltz plans to run Johnny Fontane out of the business because he ruined one of his proteges, a "great piece of ass." She ran off with Johnny (and... got pregnant? became a drug addict? died? became a housewife?). So this is personal. All Woltz's servants are black. Woltz refers to the Don as a "goombah" again. It's like fucking Mario Brothers up in here. Woltz, you have made a bad decision. Woltz has shiny gold sheets. There's blood on them. Oh, he wakes up and the blood is everywhere in the sheets. HORSE HEAD!! *

Okay, there's a guy they call The Turk. He's a "top narcotics man," already involved with another family. If the other families get him first, they'll earn a lot of money and buy more police and political power. The Godfather does not believe in opening his mouth while talking. The Turk wants money and influence. He offers the Corleones 30%. They drink something clear out of tiny goblets (ouzo?). Corleone points out that drugs are a dirty, dangerous business. I think they haven't made a deal with him by the end of the meeting? Johnny's sent a huge floral arrangement as a thank you for the movie part. The Godfather sends the thank you guy from earlier, Brasi, to find out intel from another family.

I don't really understand this turn of events, but apparently it doesn't matter.

Michael and Kay Christmas shop. Brasi puts on a bullet-proof vest and makes sure his gun is loaded. Some guy, I think it's the Turk, tells Brasi he knows he's been talking to the Tattaglia family and tries to recruit him. Oh, now the bartender stabs his hand against the counter and another henchman strangles him with a garrotte from behind. MERRY CHRISTMAS! The Turk basically abducts Tom while he's Christmas shopping. Don Corleone appreciates produce from fruit stands next to open barrel fires. The Turk and his bro run up and shoot the Don a bunch of times in the back. Fredo clumsily drops his gun. Instead of calling for help, he sits down and cries. The Godfather is pretty clearly dead. The rest of the movie is Ghost of Godfather.

Michael finds out his father's been shot from a newspaper. He rushes to a phone booth to find out about Vito. Sonny says they're not sure if he's going to make it. Okay, I thought Michael was Al Pacino, but again, so, SO young. There are rumors flying about Vito being dead. Sonny gets a call and writes down "8:30" in pencil on his kitchen cabinet because he hasn't got any post-its. The Turk has Tom. He wants him to "make the peace" between him and Sonny, who is the heir apparent I guess. The Turk says the Tattaglias and the other families will want to avert a war, so they should all fall in line with his proposed deal. Tom warns him about Brasi, the Turk says he's got it under control, not mentioning that he already killed him. Big, fat snowflakes and wind at a Christmas tree farm. Apparently Vito's still alive. The Turk is not pleased. In the Corleone office, the bros discuss possible plans. Apparently it's supposed to be 1946. If Vito dies, the other families will probably go along with Sollozzo (the Turk). A package arrives. Fish wrapped in Brasi's vest. SLEEPS WITH FISHES.

A lady tells her husband, some guy, "Don't forget the cannoli." These three guys drive out of the city (The City). The chubby guy with the cannoli obligations gets out to pee in a field and the driver, Paulie, who they thought was a rat, is shot by the third man. "Leave the gun, take the cannoli." And now I actually get the title of that Sarah Vowell book. Kay calls Michael at his house and he won't say he loves her in a kitchen full of bros. The chubby guy gives him a cooking lesson for some reason. They've got a giant Carlo Rossi-type wine jug. Michael's brothers insist he take bodyguards when he leaves the house.

WHAT THE FUCK IS DIANE KEATON'S HAIR IN THIS TENSE DINNER SCENE?!? Michael is evasive about when they'll see each other again. He tells her to go back to her parents' house in New Hampshire. He left a bunch of wine in his glass. Is this what you shot Nazis for, Mike? To waste wine?! I guess he knows where to get lots of Carlo jugs. Mike shows up to the hospital to visit his dad. It's suspiciously abandoned. Is it Christmas today? Michael goes to investigate. The guard is missing from outside his dad's door. Some nurse tells him he shouldn't be there. The cops made the guards leave. He calls Sonny to let him know. Mike tries to convince the grizzled nurse to help move his dad to another room. This hospital is old-timey but still nicer than Briarcliff.

The baker shows up with a bouquet of flowers and Michael tells him to wait outside because there's going to be trouble. Michael tells his dad, "I'm with you now." Vito cries. He should probably be slapped. Mike and the baker pop their collars and hang out on the hospital steps, trying to look menacing. A shiny black car pulls up. Mike reaches into his coat like he's going to pull out a gun and the car drives away. The baker is all shaky now and can't light his own cigarette. Mike's hands are steady. He really does belong in the family business! The cops show up and seize Michael. The police captain insists they take in Michael for no reason, really, except that he sassed him, and he punches him. Tom shows up and tells the captain what's what. Mike gets home the next morning. Sonny got mad and "hit" a Tattaglia this morning. Bruno. Sonny is super proud of himself. The Turk wants Mike to meet with him. Tom and Sonny argue about what they should do next. Sonny is a hothead. Tom is pragmatic and wants to keep the peace. Those cops were in the Turk's pocket. They can't go after a police captain, all the other families would find it distasteful and they'd lose all their political leverage. Mike thinks they have to knock out Sollozzo because he's going to kill the Don, but like, for reals this time.

Mike suggests a plan where they plant a weapon ahead of time so he can take out the Turk and the police captain at the meeting. His face is all messed up from that punch last night. Mike thinks they should expose the Captain in the press. He's so into this business now. The chubby guy gives him public assassination lessons. Abe Vigoda is there a lot, but never says anything. Oh, now he talks. He knows the restaurant were the meeting's supposed to be. They're going to hide a gun behind the old-timey toilet. Sonny is being adorably protective of Michael. They advise him to double-tap both the dudes. He's supposed to take off right after. The Turk picks up Mike. The captain is in the backseat and insists he pat down Mike. He's clean. He looks kind of cute in that three-piece with the hat and the black eye. They're crossing over into New Jersey for some reason. The Turk's driver pulls a quick u-ey to throw off the Corleone tail. They bring Mike to Louis Italian-American Restaurant. The Turk says the veal is good there. Michael glares. Gasp! I just realized that really young Pacino looks a decent bit like an ex-boyfriend of mine. I have conflicting feelings about this realization.

Sollozzo warns the cop he's going to speak Italian to Michael. And it's not subtitled. INTERESTING CHOICE, COPPOLA. Back to English, Mike wants a guarantee his father's life won't be threatened. The Turk says he wants a truce and gropes Mike as he gets up for the bathroom. Uh-oh, Mike can't find the gun behind the toilet tank right away. Oh, there we go. IT'S TIME! He's got to shoot the cop first, right? The Turk talks in Italian some more. The train is loud. Only one shot for the Turk, and one throat and one head shot for the cop, but it works. He remembers to drop the gun on his way out the door. Newspaper montage. The captain was exposed! Gang war! Lots of murders.

Heh heh.

Vito Corleone finally goes home from the hospital. Lots of cops escort his ambulance. Some paramedics carry his stretcher upstairs. Many, many grandchildren hover about. The men meet in the Don's bedroom and the ladies work in the kitchen. We are halfway through this movie. Tom tells Vito the cops are cracking down since the captain's death, but with news of his crookedness, they claim it's loosening up. Fredo's going to Vegas to learn the casino business. Vito asks for Michael. Tom tells him Mike killed Sollozzo and Vito is sad. Tom and Sonny argue again about tactics. Sonny uses a racial slur about black people in Harlem. The ladies are scolded to know their place. Fredo looks sickly. The Godfather is despondent, despite laying in a pile of get well cards from his grandchildren.

Michael is in Italy, I think? Their enemies know he's there, but he can't go back to New York yet, either. Mike and his bodyguards walk through the hills to the village of Corleone. The guys have sweet belts full of shotgun shells (Do you still call them that before they are shot? I don't care.). Mike walks through the ancestral village, which is practically empty because every one is "dead from vendettas." American soldiers drive by in jeeps. The dudes come upon some ladies. Mike sees something he likes, though a bodyguard warns him off. They discuss the chick with a local restaurateur. The guy claims there's no girl like her in town. I'm guessing it's his daughter. He goes inside and starts yelling a bunch. Michael wants to talk to him. He has a bodyguard translate an apology. He wants to meet his daughter, properly. The restaurant guy, Vitelli, pulls up his suspenders and invites him to his house on Sunday. REFILL TIME. It seems like the meeting goes well. Michael's face is still bruised up. He and Apollonia eye each other from different ends of a table.

Back in America, the Corleone sister who got married at the beginning has been beaten by her husband. She begs Sonny not to do anything, but of course he goes and beats the shit out of his brother-in-law in the street. Bites his finger, hits him with a garbage can, kicks him into a fire hydrant. He says he'll kill him if he hits his sister again. That's legit. Back in Sicily, Michael and Apollonia get married. They march with a band through the town. His broken face is nearly healed, but still kind of bruised. He's going to bang his wife now, who looks kind of terrified, but seems to like him. Her eyebrows are over-plucked. BOOBS. Her nipples are really, really light pink. They kind of blend in. Hm.

Naggin' and whatnot.

Back in the U.S. of A., Kay's shown up at the Corleone house. Tom (WHO IS A VERY YOUNG ROBERT DUVALL, OMG) says no one knows where he is. Some slut calls for Carlo, the abusive bro-in-law at home. Connie (the sister) gets mad and starts breaking shit. He starts hitting her in her pregnant belly. She threatens him with a knife. He chases her into the bathroom and we hear him whipping her. Oh, Carlo is gonna die (I hope).

Get it, 'cause it's a toll booth?

Goddamn, Sonny's baby is ALWAYS crying. Sonny drives off to do something rash (though deserved). Tom tries to stop him, unsuccessfully, but sends a car to follow him. Some kind of set-up leaves him at a toll booth, where he gets trapped and like 109387590458 dudes with gats shoot the fuck out of him. Did Tom set this up because Sonny is too much of a hothead and won't make a deal with the Turk? He's drinking sad and alone now, so I'm guessing yes. The Godfather comes down from bed to share a drink with him. What are they always drinking out of those little glasses? Tom tells Vito that Sonny's dead. "They killed him on the causeway." Vito doesn't want vengeance, he wants to arrange a meeting with the heads of the five families to stop the war. Maybe Tom didn't set it up? The Don asks the sad immigrant from before to fix up his son's dead body? I guess that guy is the undertaker.

Back in Sicily, Michael gives Apollonia driving lessons. They are way too happy. Somebody shows up with bad news. They want him to move locations because Sonny was killed. I want a villa for myself. Michael's going to send Apollonia to her father's house. She insists on driving him as they move out. His bodyguard has betrayed him, she is killed in a car bomb. That is horrifying.

Never gets old.

Back in New York, the Five Families meet up. The other dons aren't keen to go back to things as before because Corleone had the most power (political influence). Corleone doesn't want to get into drugs. One other don says he'll only sell to the "dark people." What the fuck is Brando's voice, anyway? They're going to go into drugs as long as it's controlled. Corleone will forgo vengeance for Sonny if Michael can come back in peace. Five dudes hug. The Don found out something at that meeting about Birzini vs. Tattaglia, I don't even know. How the fuck are we supposed to know who is who(m)?

Michael shows up to see Kay, who is taking care of elementary school kids. He says he's been back over a year. He works for his dad now. She's so disappointed in him. She claims senators and presidents didn't have men killed. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Michael insists the family is going to ease into legitimacy. Now he wants to marry Kay. She says it's too late what with not contacting her for years. This is fucked up. He claims to need her. She cries. SAY NO, KAY. They get into a car. The Don admires his fish tank. He's looking aged. Other dudes argue. Michael is wearing AN AMAZING THREE-PIECE SUIT and is now head of the family. They're going to move to Nevada. Carlo is from there. Tom can still be their lawyer, but he's no longer consigliere. Vito's cardigan is great. Poor Tom is out. Will he take revenge? Probably.

Las Vegas in the 1950s! Michael's face was well-fixed by a surgeon. Johnny Fontane welcomes him with a party. Fredo looks awesomely sleazy. He calls Michael "kid." Michael doesn't want the band or the women at Fredo's gathered. Michael is ALL BUSINESS. The family is going to get out of the "olive oil" business and buy a casino. He wants Johnny to sign on for regular appearances and to recruit other stars, too. Moe, the casino guy, shows up. He's the record exec in That Thing You Do! Moe does not want to sell. He thinks he can get a better deal with Birzini. Moe apparently slaps around Fredo in public. AWKWARD. The Corleones bankrolled this casino, not sure what he thinks he can do to get out of this. Tom defers to Mike. Mike tells Fredo to never take sides against the family again. EVER. Kay and Mike's little boy wears a little military uniform. Connie and Carlo want Mike to be their kid's godfather. He'll think about it. Mike meets with his dad. Vito says, "Women and children can be careless, but "not men." Vito's starting to forget things. He's sad because he never wanted this life for Michael, his military hero college boy son. He wanted him to be a legit politician. Whoever comes to Mike about a Birzini meeting is "the traitor." I can't keep track of all the politics/don't care.

Little Anthony wears cute striped overalls and hangs out with Grandpa Vito. They play in the tomato garden. Vito falls over dead. FUNERAL. So many cars with so many flowers. Sad folks cross themselves. Michael stares, stony-faced at those paying their respects. One of the other dons throws a flower on the casket. Michael is like, "Not even." He must be Birzini. Abe Vigoda pulls Mike aside. HE'S THE TRAITOR. He offers to arrange the meeting and security on his territory. Our friend the indebted undertaker hangs out. Tom and Mike are like, "Nice try, Tessio." Mike admits Tessio/Vigoda is smart for trying to move to Birzini.

Mike won't make a move until after his nephew's baptism. He's going to be the godfather. The priest breathes weirdly on the baby's face. Over some Latin ritual talk, we see Abe cleaning his gun. Various dudes are getting prepared for the big Five Families meeting. What does Mike have planned? There's a fake cop of some kind? So many guns being gathered. The baby is sleeping quite peacefully. The fake cop is writing a ticket for Birzini's car, I think? The chubby guy delivers a package. Moe gets a massage. The chubby guy shoots Moe in the eye. His glasses break and real fake blood comes out. Dudes are getting hit all over the place as Mike renounces Satan. Nice one, fake cop. This is some Breaking Bad-level shit with the simultaneous hits.

After the baptism, Mike gets the news that everything's been done. He tells Carlo there's going to be no Vegas vacation. Vigoda is surrounded. He tells Tom "it was only business." Vigoda goes with the guys to die. Mike confronts Carlo. He believes Carlo told the Birzini people how to get to Sonny. Michael tells Carlo he won't widow his sister. HE OWNS HIM SO HARD NOW. Carlo's out of the family business. They're sending him to Las Vegas. Carlo admits he was working with Birzini. Is he really going to make it to the airport alive? Nope. The chubby guy strangles him from the backseat as he kicks out the windshield. I guess Mike meant he wouldn't PERSONALLY make his sister a widow. Carlos was an abusive asshole. Connie is so mad. She tries to spit on her brother. She's a bit hysterical. Mike says for her to get a doctor. Calm that shit down.

Kay glares. So disappointed. You married him, bro. He refuses to discuss his "business" with her. Such high pants. He tells Kay he didn't have Carlo killed and she believes him for some reason. Or at least pretends to. Now Mike is DON Corleone. You've made some bad decisions and should feel bad, Diane Keaton's character.

THE END.

Stay tuned for a probably two-part blog of The Godfather Part II, which has arrived at my house from Netflix in all its two-disc glory!


*One of my mom's favorite stories from the days she worked as an "usherette" (it was the '70s, okay?) at the Roxy Theater in Bremerton, WA was about how she's seen The Godfather, like, 59 times or something. She claims that the live horse and the decapitated horse head are totally not even the same color.