NEW TUMBLR I HAVE A TUMBLR LOOKIT

I got a little carried away with some Upworthy/Buzzfeed-style headline jokes on Twitter last week and decided to just fucking make a Tumblr: Charles F. Upworthington III. Go look at it to experience fabulous content like this:

An uninvited guest

Oh hey look! My BFF Sr. Depressington is in town!

Sr. Depressington makes life complicated.

I knoooow, it is so uninteresting to read about how depressed I am, six or seven loyal readers and random curious internet citizens who accidentally came here because Captain Awkward (kindly) keeps linking to that one post by the Sexy Gay Jesus.* I check my analytics page people, I know who you are! Or at least which cities you live in and/or what you googled to find me. But anyway, here's some things that tend to make me at least momentarily less depressed and/or anxious, so you should be friends with them too:

-This is the best thing on the internet. It's drunk and bitchy and silly. It's like me, but law student-y. (#whatshouldwecallme)

-Watch this show. Now. All of it. Laugh, cry, repeat. Speed through the episodes because you want to see what happens and then mourn when it is all over. Then find out which movies Netflix has that feature Yoo Gong (far too few). (Coffee Prince)

-Order this motherfucking book of awesome history/literature comics nerdery. I added it (among other things) to fill out an Amazon order for free shipping that I SWEAR started as a necessary academic purchase. If you are not already subscribing to Kate Beaton's comic blog, you are basically the worst at life. (Hark! A Vagrant)




*The SGJ is just about recovered from His recent re-birthday celebration, so I imagine if you need some advice, he'd be up for answering your important life questions or whatever. Email me. Totally.

Stuff in the world

Hey bros, this is my new jam*:



I came upon this gem through the amazingly bizarre/wonderful/inexplicable/super-French film (available on Netflix instant!) Rubber. This film is obviously about a rage-filled but uncommunicative telekinetic car tire in the American Southwest. Also, people who are meta-observers? Whatever. Go watch it, it's like less than 90 minutes and wonderful.

In other news, my buddy Emily recently turned me onto this blog: Oh, Dana Scully, No, which basically combines two of my favorite things--The X-Files and calling people out for horrible fashion. So anyway, it's the best.

That's it.

*As Sweets might say. (Shut up. I'm a little behind, okay?)

A post about stuff other people have been posting about

For awhile, Ta-Nehisi Coates over at The Atlantic has been singing the praises of our own Ulysses S. Grant's memoirs of the Civil War. Apparently he's kind of bitchy, and that sounds awesome. You know I've covered Grant myself here (he's also the one next to Lincoln on the banner above), but ever since I read Doris Kearns Goodwin's awesome Team of Rivals a few months ago, I've gained a greater appreciation for the old drunkard.* Especially since that book really traced out what an incompetent douchebag George McClellan was. Anyway, Coates thinks Grant is basically a real-life superhero and wants Kevin Costner from the '90s to play him in an awesome movie. I support this. Also, 20 extra points for Marvin Gaye reference. The point of all this is that history is cool and now I'm getting Isaac to check out Grant's 500+ page memoirs for me to read. For fun. Because I'm a nerd. But apparently I'm not really a student here right now because I graduated and I don't technically enroll in the PhD program until later this summer. Or something. Whatever. Isaac can do my library bidding since he's on campus anyway and I am in a cubicle in Toledo.

On an unrelated note, have you guys heard this shit about the little girl in Seattle whose white teacher couldn't handle the "smell" of her hair product or something and kicked her out of class? Yeah. That happened. Over at Racialicious, Andrea Plaid takes on the various gendered and racialized stereotypes brought out by this classic example of "the Delicate White Woman Frightened by the Negress’ Physical Being" (Plaid). Because SRSLY: I'm sensitive to a lot of perfumes, etc., but I don't ask people to LEAVE my presence. Especially ironic in this case was that the girl was the only non-white student in an advanced placement class at a school named for Thurgood Marshall. Seriously. That part happened, too.

But in case that doesn't make you depressed enough about the world, Jill at I Blame the Patriarchy attacks the disgusting coverage surrounding a 13 year-old girl whose self-induced abortion with a PENCIL with the help of her 30 year-old "boyfriend" are causing people to call her a stupid slut. Now, I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to go ahead and say seventh graders can't consent to fucking 30 year-olds. So this grown-up man has been dating raping her for a year, gets her pregnant, and she (or HE) so desperately doesn't want this baby that she tries to induce a miscarriage with a fucking pencil and basically bleeds for three days. That sounds to me like an action taken by a terrified victim. One who happens to still be a CHILD. But apparently some people think she should be charged with a crime. Because they are assholes and don't understand what rape or abuse are and don't understand why she might not have had access to a proper medical abortion. Have I mentioned that I hate the world?

If that makes you too sad, just think about how awesome Ulysses S. Grant is. The Civil War's not, like, depressing or anything, right?


*I do have some issues with Goodwin's depiction of Lincoln's mental health in this book, however. She claims that because he was mostly functional he was merely "melancholy" of temperament and not actually "depressed." I haven't done the archival research she has, clearly, but he sounds like a classic depressive to me. We don't all just lay in bed all day and cry, sometimes we accomplish things and manage to also have a sense of humor at the same time. Just sayin', Doris Kearns Goodwin, it's okay to admit he was depressed. It's not actually that big a deal.

Why sometimes you just have to get your feelings hurt and why that is not so bad, after all and also I too once watched 500 Days of Summer and hated it

Let me tell you guys a little story: It is about how Sady Doyle at Tiger Beatdown is an awesome feminist blogger/hero/one of my internet girlfriends. I did not discover her writing until it was featured on ye olde venerable blog Shakesville, like, a year ago or something, and I have been eating up Sady's pop culture awesomeness since then (she is also writing at Feministe these days because she has hit the feminist blogosphere big time). Anyway, she is hilarious and sometimes I think maybe it sounds like we have similar thought processes/speech patterns and I would like to establish that though I am not CONSCIOUSLY copying Sady Doyle, it is possible that I have been influenced by her writings and would like to publicly recognize that because I like to be intellectually honest like that. This is a long prelude into what is basically me linking to her recent review/analysis of that one movie, (500) Days of Summer* and talking about how I watched it too a couple of months ago despite my reservations and then telling you anecdotes about my romantic life experiences that I will extrapolate into important life lessons for the kidz who might want to try this "dating" thing.**

Ahem.

So Sady at Tiger Beatdown recently watched that movie and wrote about it at her blogplace. Basically you should read it because it is good and she talks about literature and whatnot but for my own purposes I would like to agree with the part where she says that, basically, even in movies that are ostensibly progressive-ish because they are about hipster boys with rich emotional lives, girls are horrible and everything is their fault. This is how: because this time, Zooey "Giant Blue Eyes and Melodic Voice" Deschanel plays a girl who states firmly and up front to adorable Joseph "no clever nicknames but attractive and almost makes me not hate this movie quite so much" Gordon-Levitt's character, who has a crush on her, that she does not want to be in a relationship. Nonetheless, they become pals and start fucking and basically hanging out constantly, much like a couple, but Zooey/Blue Eyes/Summer continually emphasizes that she doesn't want to make it official or anything. But he's, like, in denial and in love with her anyway. Then she breaks it off. Then he is all heartbroken and whines for the  next hour or so about how sad and lonely he is and how she's such a bitch and led him on and boring boring EEEEEEEEEMZ. SRSLY. It's like all eemz all the time. Like fucking Tickle Me Emo up in here. And it pissed me off. And Isaac. We were pissed off. I may or may not have thrown a snack food at the screen during this movie.

But anyway, here's the point: It's not that I didn't think it was okay for JGL's character to feel bad. Of course it's okay to have feelings, even if you're a dude! DUH. And I'm not going to call him stupid for getting involved with her even though they wanted different things because, hey, we all have to make mistakes and she's hot and was willing to get with him for a while.*** But he also had no right to be so damn indignant once she broke it off because her message had been consistently anti-commitment. And though the movie does occasionally call him out for being overdramatic about the whole thing, I think we're supposed to feel sorry for him. But I don't. Let me share a (totally hypothetical) personal experience to illustrate:

Say you are a single person enjoying a rare but exciting streak of promiscuity. Say you meet someone you like, who seems to like you, and you hang out and hook up a few times. Say this other person is fun and really, really good in bed. You would want to keep sleeping with this person, no? But say you made it clear that you don't want a relationship because you're, for example, moving away in a couple of months and can't start anything right now. So perhaps this person you're seeing who genuinely enjoys hanging out with/fucking you on occasion meets someone else around the same time as you that they like, someone who is not moving away. So say eventually it becomes clear to you that the person you've been hooking up with is feeling kind of ambivalent about continuing your non-relationship, but you want to keep fucking, so you pretend otherwise and keep pursuing, even though you know you should just let it die a natural death. Then say it gets to a point where though you're pretty sure you're not going to fuck anymore, the person who you were hooking up with has to tell you that they like this other person and are going to date them, citing your aforementioned disavowal of commitment since you're moving away and whatnot. And you are all cool about it because all's fair and everybody's upfront and adult, etc., but you can't help feeling kind of rejected anyway. Perhaps you've been carrying on with any number of other dudes in the meantime, but still feel weirdly sad, like you've been dumped.

What I'm saying is this: even if you keep it "casual," sometimes you'll get kind of attached. Since I tend to (almost) always fuck dudes who I am or want to be friends with, it can be hard for me to separate the physical from the emotional. And it is messy. I'm not saying don't have casual relationships, flings, one-night stands, or what-have-you, I think they can be valuable learning experiences, or at least good stories. I am saying that in the above example of things that might have happened in my real life, I can empathize with whatever JGL's character's name was in that stupid parentheses movie. The guy I was seeing wasn't TRYING to lead me on, and I could tell he wasn't as into me as I wanted him to be but still liked hanging out and having sex. So when he "ended" it, I was a little bit sad and my self-esteem was a little shaken. Even though it was not a relationship in any way and I was moving soon anyway and blahblahblah casual. Because sometimes these things happens. But guess what? I didn't feel bad about it for that long. I talked it over a bit with some friends, let myself feel a little hurt, and then moved on.**** Like, the next week I went to visit another suitor in another city who I was also not having a relationship with (who I eventually had to "end it" with too, which was sad but necessary and not as casual as it ostensibly should have been). ANYWAY, DATING IS COMPLICATED. So this rambling rant is meant to say that it's okay to get your feelings hurt by people you're seeing even if you agree to keeping it "casual." What this may teach you is that perhaps you should avoid trying to keep it casual, because you will inevitably get emotionally involved. Or maybe it will teach you that you should make sure not to get into situations where the other person is clearly not as enthused about it as you are because you will probably get hurt. Or maybe it teach you that maybe the other person sucked or that you are a sucker. Or maybe it will not teach you anything useful at all, but merely provide another notch on the ol' proverbial bedpost. What I'm saying is, you often have to fuck, fuck up, and be fucked over in order to really figure out what you want or what works for you in a relationship. That is life. Just don't turn into that embittered 500 Days of Summer guy. It's okay to be hurt, but she was honest with him, and he is not justified in staying angry at her for months and months. Is what I'm saying. Also, she gets married, like, immediately, to someone else. WTF?



*Does this title start with a parenthesis so that it may always be alphabetized first? "Well, before A comes numbers, and before numbers comes punctuation marks!"


**Clearly 94% of this blog's readers are right about my same age because they are my real life friends (and not actually kids) and already know my anecdotes, but BEAR WITH ME. Sometimes people from random foreign countries accidentally find my blog through a Google image search or something and is not always a 100% bounce rate, thank you very much, Google Analytics.

***This is totes just like Ted and Robin in the first season of How I Met Your Mother, which I may have just been watching, like, yesterday!


****Weirdly, the "breakup" conversation was the same one in which I found out that when he said he'd been "single" for about a year and was just getting back into dating, it was because he was divorced. Which only happened because his ex-wife was in a photo album he was showing me. Besides pretending not to feel dumped, I had to pretend it wasn't really weird that he never told me in the month or so we'd been hanging out that he used to be married. AWKWARD. I'm going to assume he told the girl he actually ended up dating sooner than that.

Things that are wrong on the Huffington Post

Sometimes I look at HuffPo and scan it for funny video clips or interesting headlines. Usually I'm just like BLAHBLAHBLAH don't care and I NEVER read the columnists because, again, I don't care. But anyway, I do look at it sometimes because they often have breaking news first and in REALLY BIG FONT. Here are some things I did not like upon my latest perusal: This story linked to from the front page with accompanying fashion photos:

Chloe Sevingy and Zoe Saldana wore a similar bra-out look to a Prada book party in Los Angeles Friday night. Presumably both dressed in Prada, the "Big Love" and the "Star Trek" actresses avoided posing together.

LADIESBOOBIESCLICKHEREBIGFRONTPAGESTORYNEWS. Amirite? BTW, the above quotation is the story in its entirety. This headline is on the "Politics" page: "Levi Johnston Posing Naked With Hockey Stick In Playgirl." Crucial information for voters everywhere, obvs. This headline: "FDA Questions Safety Of Alcoholic Energy Drinks" with this photo: Hey, uh, HuffPo "Business" editor, that picture is totes outdated. Sparks no longer has caffeine. DUH. Should've asked a teenager. On to Entertainment: "Is Daniel Radcliffe A Pothead?" Really? You're really asking that? Here's some answers: Maybe. Probably. Who cares? I'd totally get high with Daniel Radcliffe. I bet it'd be hilarious, he seems like a cool kid. Also: "'Twilight' Director Reveals Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson's Romance." SHOCK SHOCK SHOCKILY WOCK. SRSLY, haven't we known this since we found out who these actors are? And: "PHOTOS: Nicole Kidman Busts Out At CMAs," 'cause boobs, right? Right below that link: "Carrie Prejean: The Bible Allows Breast Implants." HuffPo is there when you need news about other people's breasts most. Also, Carrie Prejean is apparently a biblical scholar. I usually don't go to any of the links past Entertainment, but today I did, and boy am I glad. The main "Living" headline is "What Would You Do For God?" Nothing. I don't do favors for imaginary beings. Except for The Sexy Gay Jesus, but that's because he's my Imaginary Gay Best Friend in addition to being my Deity of Choice. Also, he pays me back in booze. Anyhow, let us look at some of the photos featured with the stories on the "Living AKA LADEEZ STUFF" page: WAIT. WTF jolly fat lady who apparently can't stop herself from grabbing that cake? That was to illustrate Oprah's Dr. Oz's article on "health reform." Totes not problematic or anything, right?

Random Meanderings

Here are some things that I like and/or are interesting right now: I have the digital TV converter with a crazy Christmas-tree-kinda-shaped antenna-receiver thing my dad bought for me because he knows about electronic gadgets and I get SEVEN separate PBS stations. Four from BGSU and three from Toledo. Only one completely overlaps (the "Create" channel, which often shows my BFF tour guide who may or may not awesomely run for Congress in the next few years). Awesome shows I watch all the time are History Detectives OMG yes and also NOVA: scienceNOW hosted by the man my friend Cynthia has described as looking like a "really smart Muppet," Neil deGrasse Tyson who loves wearing that sun/moon/stars vest. Senator John Kyl is a (duh) douche. But Debbie Stabenow rocks. (Ezra Klein, WaPo) At the blog Not Always Right: Funny and Stupid Customer quotes, I can relive my customer service days without having to slit my wrists but mostly just pity the people who must put up with that crap to pay the bills. May I never have to have one of those jobs again but you never know with academic funding and blahblahblah so DEAR GOD, PEOPLE SUCK.

I am on the interwebs with my semi-intelligent voice

Last summer, the lil' sis interviewed me for a podcast on blogging for the BYU Writing Center, where she works ('cause she is smart--take note, grad schools). Turns out I am awesome and our phone convo was used a bunch and the show is finally online. Have a listen.

I know some people with blogs

Read some stuffs (I assume some of you are not one of these three people): My poetic pal Julia has recently acquired the lyric stylings of my boyfriend as a teenager. First, a creepy clown love poem. (Poems I Wrote When I Was 12) My sister writes about crazy Japanese movies. (Cheerful Cynicism) Anne in France accidentally discusses her sex life with her dermatologist. (initials a.z.)

Pimpin'

Hey! That limerickin' BFF of mine, Jufoolius (Julia) has a new blog: Poems I Wrote When I Was 12. Love! Poems!

Mavericks, all of 'em

(Background: discussing online teaching training)

Thrift Store Champion: I just had to watch a four minute video about it as part of this training.

Ones on blogs and Google docs are up next.

Sent at 2:52 PM on Monday

me: what are those? are they on the interwebs?

Thrift Store Champion: Wait, interwebs?

There's no video on that.

Maybe you can explain the blog thing to me.

Sent at 2:55 PM on Monday

me: One of my fave blogs lets "John McCain" guest-blog occasionally-- here is a prime magical example:

http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/2008/09/mccain-in-spain.html

Sent at 2:57 PM on Monday

Thrift Store Champion: AWESOME.

The video wasn't lying when it said that blogs democratize the media.

Sent at 2:59 PM on Monday

me: if somebody made a video about it, it must be true

it's like tv that way

Thrift Store Champion: Plus, it was a YouTube video.

Oddly enough, though, there's no video about YouTube in this tutorial.

Suspicious.

Sent at 3:02 PM on Monday

me: well, I think John mccain would remind you that if you're going to go tubing, you should always wear a life jacket

Thrift Store Champion: Sage advice.

Mavericky, even.

It's that kind of thinking that's going to shake up Washington.

me: with a team of mavericks

Thrift Store Champion: Mavericks always travel in packs.

Like wolves, except it's much harder to shoot them from helicopters.

And/or planes.

me: moving in packs is pretty much part of the definition of "maverick"

very team-oriented

Thrift Store Champion: I really, really hope that they have matching embroidered jackets.

I want one that says "Hose Hotrod"* on the chest.

Sent at 3:07 PM on Monday

me: I'm totally putting part of our chat on my blog

names have been changed to protect the innocent

Thrift Store Champion: That's perfectly fine with me.

I can't believe I'm going from watching a video about blogs to being part of one!

What a wonderful age we live in! I think John McCain would agree if he could figure out what the hell we were talking about.

*See Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator. Mine is "Duct Idaho Palin."

I can has podcast?

Shortly before the big move and my subsequent (hopefully temporary) absence from the tubernets, the sister called and interviewed me for a podcast they're doing on blogging at the BYU Writing Center.* She asked me some questions about blogs in general and then about my experience writing Blonder and Thinnerrrr and I rambled about much of the crap I have rambled about on this here blog and hopefully didn't turn out too dumb-sounding.** Anyway, the promo is up and features some of my awesome awesomeness regarding blogging. I'll let y'all fans know when the actual p-cast is up. *'Cause I'm totally, like, an expert, and not just conveniently related to her. **I mean, I know I sound like a genius in writing, but Lauren = has never been particularly articulate in real life talking. "So... yeah."

Today's links brought to you by a glowing sense of vindication

Sorry to gloat without explanation, friends, but this one's not for the internet. Yet. Just sayin' that I am in a great mood, and only just now opened an energy drink. So happy hump day! Wipe those Cheeto crumbs off your fingers, change into a fresh pair of pajamas, and open up the blinds on that basement window, blog readers!* I gots some linkies.

-First comes from the Boozehound Cinephile (I bow down to the more experienced drunk). The bloggers over at Pajiba have been writing about good TV shows or something, blah blah blah--he talks about screwdrivers. In the involved and analytical sort of way only a true conoisseur can appreciate. Apparently the screwdriver is a telltale "alcoholic's drink." Just because we've kept massive amounts of frozen orange juice concentrate on hand for the past four years and it is a VERY rare a occasion that we have even less than two different bottles of vodka, doesn't make me an alcoholic! Seriously, people. Although I did like Ted's theory that drunks like screwdrivers because they can just pretend that they're drinking juice. I mean, not that I would have ever done that in the presence of some nice Mormons who came to visit me shortly after I left the church and was still letting them come over, pretty much only because I knew them personally and felt like I should let them fulfill their home and visiting teaching callings. That would have been really tacky. For the record: I do order screwdrivers in bars sometimes because I want something simple and not carbonated, but I only consider it a true "cocktail" if we're using vodka at least one step above Smirnoff and orange juice that tastes something like actual oranges and none of that sickly sweet Sunny D shit. The Dirty Dozen. (Ted Boynton, Pajiba)

Mulder likes screwdrivers, take a drink.

-I know I've got her over on my short blogroll and she doesn't update a lot, but seriously, you HAVE to go read Terrible Mother. She is seriously one of the best writers on all of the internet. She will break your heart and patch it up with her poignant, funny, and engaging accounts of an everyday but amazingly beautiful life lived. Yes, I'm being sincere for once. Please don't walk away! She uses sarcasm too! Go check out her latest post (as well as the archives), written on location at her dying grandmother's house in California. She talks about family, love, and relationships with an honesty and an accuracy (if that makes sense) that I've rarely seen in writing. In California, I Dream of Snow. (Terrible Mother)

-So recently GWB was like, "Hey, thinking about maybe possibly looking at the 'family planning' section of Walgreen's** is totally an abortion and we're not going to fund that shit," and HRC and (one of my home state's two awesome lady Senators) Patty Murray were like, "Nice try, assholes." A lot of people are talking about it, but I'll link to Amanda's post because, you know, I like doing that. Everything's abortion. (Amanda Marcotte, Pandagon)

-Speaking of women and choices (esp. vis a vis reproduction), Lisa Kansas spells out clearly how people would just prefer that we not have any, because any choice we do make is WRONG. "'Men' and 'mankind' apparently not being defined to include 'ambulatory wombs.'" (Lisa Kansas, PunkAssBlog)


All right, we'll call this good for now and save a couple links for later. Or tomorrow. Whatever.


*If you do not read enough blogs to realize that these are all stereotypes about bloggers, well then... I just felt really super-nerdy all of a sudden. Goddamn the webernets are an insulated place sometimes.

**So I totally bought (non-fruity) condoms at Walgreen's yesterday, and I swear the older guy (like, in his sixties "older") who works there a lot and always seems kind of patronizing was acting especially jackassy to me. He gave me shit about unloading my own basket (it had other things in it besides condoms, people) because "no one ever knows what to do with them afterwards" and seemed annoyed that I tried to use the pen pointer thing on the credit card screen. I was TRYING to be helpful, asshole. But apparently I shouldn't help you avoid repetitive stress injuries or preserve the integrity of the touch screen. I can't say for sure that he was judging me for being a whore, he does have a shitty job, but I can't say for sure that he WASN'T.

BICENTENNIAL POST

You may say, "Lauren, your blog has not been around for 200 years. But after reading post after post about energy drinks, it kind of feels like it."

"Don't be silly!" I would reply. "I just mean it's my 200th post! Hooray!"

We recently wrote a trivia question asking why there are no quarters dated 1975. It's 'cause of the bicentennial, bitchez! Special edition coins! Coin collectors of the universe unite! I don't know why I keep writing exclamations! I think I'll stop now!

So I've been seriously at this shit for about six months, and I'm totally hooked. Though my overpaid desk job will be ending next week, I hope to continue to blog regularly as a grad student/general layabout. Though I will not be making mad cash to fuck around on the internet, my love for all things online has saved my soul from completely crumbling inside my seafoam green cubicle. This is something I will not soon forget. But so even though I didn't quite know what I was going to write about when I really started getting into blogging, I am pretty pleased with what has evolved.

So, my dear, kind readers! What say you? How's it going on your end? What do you like? What do you hate? How many more energy drink reviews or presidential posts do you need to be truly satisfied by my blog content? Comments, suggestions, rave reviews, general congratulations, etc. welcome. Seriously though, could at least one person comment? (Sister, this responsibility may fall to you.) Because I kind of feel like a douchebag when I'm like, "Talk about it in the comments!" And then the comments say, "..... (crickets chirping) ....." Google Analytics tells me that on weekdays around twenty people generally read my blog, so I know you exist. Help me drown out the crickets, and keep reading! More magic to come.

Hooray! John McCain hates bloggers!

Old Man McMaverick is hostile to the interwebs. Beautiful image via Shakesville.

Linkin' some shit

Sometimes the tubes send me presents. Sometimes these presents involve smart people blogging about the same things that I blog about (more smartly than me, obvs): -I read this sweet post by Shark-fu on that "colorblindness" nonsense I discussed in yesterday's edition of "Shut up, Joe Soucheray." Choice quote: "I know that people think that saying they don’t see color is an enlightened statement, but it strikes me as bullshit." Pretty much. What I hear you saying is.... (Shakesville/AngryBlackBitch) -More directly related to the fist-bump: Melissa McEwan reports on hilarious "terrorist fist jab" claims. Kudos* on finding a way to use Sacha Baron Cohen in a post. Obama Racism/Muslim/Unpatriotic/Scary Black Dude Watch Part Forty-Goddamn-Eight. (Shakesville) -Anna McM tackles the whole "WTF is fat now a moral issue?" issue that I touched on last week, especially in reference to the conflicting messages expressed by talk show moguls/role models like Tyra and Oprah. But seriously, watching TV during the day can be a serious punch in the jaw** as far as realizing how much media/advertising/capitalism is tied up in the construction and reinforcement of gender stereotypes. One commercial break during a soap opera or talk show is enough to lower my self-esteem like 3.2 notches. At least. Good things come to those who weight watch. (The Hand Mirror) -A nice review and analysis of one of my recent favorite movies, Teeth, by Matthew Leavitt. Teeth // Is your vagina protected? (Gender Relations at Waving Hand) And some stuff you should read because it'll make you smarter: -Of course, now I'm going to have to add Nixonland to the pile o' stuff I need to read. The book's author, Rick Perlstein, discusses some of his key research: letters to a liberal Democratic Senator from Illinois from angry Chicago-area constituents about local violence over civil rights issues. The conservative backlash of the 1966 election is starkly spelled out in these voters' writings. The Meaning of Box 722. (Blog at Campaign for America's Future) -Especially now with rising rates of self-harm among soldiers trying to avoid having to go back to Iraq, I was particularly interested in the reports that 20% of U.S. military personnel are on anti-depressants (not to mention rising suicide rates). God knows I'm a huge proponent of the happy-making drugs, but it is kind of unsettling to think that they're being used to keep people who are struggling with depression and other mental health issues in combat. Not only is that sketchy in and of itself, but the fact remains that everyone reacts differently to different drugs, and without proper follow-up (which it sounds like military doctors aren't equipped to do in this setting), you don't really know what the effects will be on the people taking them. The whole thing just makes me sad(der). Um, war: not really good for anyone involved. America's Medicated Army. (D.W. Pine at TIME) *I started typing "mad props," but I thought it might come off like I was Joe Soucheray, trying to use the kids' "street language." **I don't care if this isn't a regular metaphor people use; I'm using it.

New York Times discovers Minnesota has the internet; I tell Al Franken how to run his campaign

Maybe the fact that my mother constantly repeated this phrase while I was growing up explains some of what is wrong with me.

This story has been bouncing around for a bit (a week is a long time here on the interwebz), but apparently not only have The New York Times' intrepid reporters found out that we have the internet here in the MN, but there are these people called "bloggers" who write about "politics," and they sometimes have "readers" that they "influence." Ahem. Sorry, got kind of out of control with the quote marks there. That's right, kids: Senate Race in Minnesota Shows Power of Bloggers. That's a shitty headline, am I right or am I right? I guess blogs are still "news" to some people (some people who don't spend all day at their computers, ruining their hands and wrists, like us cool kids).

The long and the short of the story is about how douchebags serious political bloggers in Minnesota are striking out against Al Franken, the presumptive Democratic nominee for Senate. SHOCKING, I tell you. Did you have any idea that people express strong feelings on the internet, and sometimes it reflects negatively on their targets? I, for one, think that people should keep their opinions to themselves and off the toobz. As far as the Franken himself goes, my inappropriate crush on him has already been covered on this humble blog, but the actual meat of the NYT story involves conservative bloggers successfully exploiting his campaign's missteps. The gang over at Minnesota Democrats EXPOSED (all caps added for dramatic effect*) EXPOSED some back taxes Franken owed, and now are totally playing up the "Al Franken wrote stuff for Playboy" angle. I personally don't give a shit that Franken used to employ a shitty accountant, and I'm certainly aware of his notable past as a public figure and a comedian, but I think Jeff really hit the nail on the head as to where the campaign itself has gone wrong:

If Franken were upfront about this stuff, if he’d rushed to disclose it and apologized where necessary, maybe he could brazen it out, like Jesse Ventura did with some of his more colorful** past exploits. But that’s the other problem: he hasn’t been. Quite simply, [the Playboy] column should have come from the Franken campaign itself.

Anybody who has been gung-ho about Al Franken from the beginning already knows about Al Franken. I mean, he has an awesome feud with Bill O'Reilly and Fox News. He's a comedian who's been saying funny and outrageous things in the public sphere for a few decades. If you know him and like him already, the fact that he (at least) once joked around about porn isn't really your top concern as far as his candidacy goes.*** But for the people who are unconvinced, or don't find him funny, or have been living under a rock since the '70s, some of this stuff is going to be shocking and possibly fatal to his senatorial campaign. Regardless of the relatively objective lameness of these people, I agree with Jeff that all this stuff should have been right out on the table in the beginning.

Al Franken has been running for Senate for like two years, it's not like they just threw this campaign together last week and then realized that he once wrote for Playboy. For all the regular Minnesotans who aren't as pathetically steeped in pop culture as some of us big city internet-addicted types, I think it would have been beneficial to just say, "Hey, Al Franken has said some crazy shit, but it was funny, and he is awesome, and it's time to get over it." And then they could just spend the rest of their time reminding everybody what an undeniably huge douchebag Norm Coleman is. I mean, COME ON. Have you seen his MySpace? He's got like ten times fewer one-tenth as many friends as Al Franken, and his top friend is the Minnesota Young Republicans. And we all know that MySpace is pretty much just like real life.

Anyway, Franken's campaign should take back control of the story. Bloggers will blog, much like I am blogging right now, and there's nothing you can do about that. But the campaign has got to stop trying to brush Franken's comedic past under the table. Face it, love it, move on. I have. Now go win an election. (People like you!)



*I think I might get more traffic if I changed the name of this blog to Blonder and Thinner EXPOSED. Although anyone who is Googling that phrase will probably be sadly disappointed by my content.

**"Colorful" is officially one of my favorite euphemisms.

***Note: my personal feelings about actual porn are mixed at best, but I can't muster up the wherewithal to care about shit like this.

Open letter to Arianna Huffington: WTF pink?

Dear Arianna, I may have stated before that Feministing was my gateway drug to the feminist blogosphere, but my gateway drug to the blogosphere PERIOD was The Huffington Post. Arianna, I saw you charming the pants off* Stephen Colbert back in the day, and I knew I wanted to read your website. And once I got a job where I had to spend hours of each day pretending to be busy at a computer, your site was where I went first. I actually FOUND Feministing through HuffPo. But I have to say, it's not what it used to be. Listen, I still check it first after email and Facebook each day and before I log into Google Reader, but I mostly just skim the headlines--I've got to be honest. Ever since you expanded to all those different sections, it just hasn't been the same for me. I miss not having to click through to read Eat the Press. I have a budding repetitive stress injury, Arianna, and I just have to conserve my energy where I can. And you added that "Living" section. For me, this section is just an online version of the New York Times' "Life & Style" women's stories ghetto. And for a while it was a green** page, kind of pretending not to be just for chicks, even though it had lots of stories about women's lives, advice, etc. Fine. But it's been getting lamer. I never read the blogs or even the advice columns (and I LOVE me some advice columns, believe you me) because I feel like I'm reading Woman's Day or something. No offense to my mom (who reads WD), but that's not what I got into blogs for. And now the last straw. You made your fucking page PINK. COME ON. And to top it all off, I'll give you a sampling of today's lame headlines: -5 Reasons Men Should Be Grateful for "Sex and the City" THERE ARE NONE. No reasons. Even the semi-ironic ones some dude comes up with. It was a shitty TV show, and I'm sure it's a shitty movie. I don't begrudge people their guilty pleasures, but let's not pretend like SJP changed sexual politics in America by saying the word "orgasm" in public and wearing ridiculous clothes. Also, that VOICEOVER. Get real, people. < /rant > -Girls Gone Vulgar: One Man's Take This is accompanied by a photo of Sarah Silverman. I don't really think she's very funny, personally. But I also don't give a shit about some guy's opinions about her and other "vulgar" ladies. -Behind the "Mama's Boy" Stereotype I don't know about you guys, but I really like essays that investigate stereotypes. By which I mean, confirm them. This links to an article on the Psychology Today website that talks about adult men in Italy that don't want to move out. -What Your Hemline Says About You You know what it says? It says how long of a skirt you're wearing. -The Perils of Going Barefoot I'm pretty sure they involve stepping on shit. Like when I stepped on a bee and got stung when I was four. I don't need to read an article to know that I should watch where I walk when I'm shoeless. -Meditation Is the New Psychotherapy Right. Anyway, Arianna, I realize that your duties as blogger-in-chief don't really put you in the trenches for day-to-day decisions like "should we just admit that this is a lame girly page and make it pink so the boys don't accidentally read it?" But seriously. I disapprove. I mean, I wasn't reading this shit before, but now that it's all labeled in pink, I'm even less likely to do so. And I feel dirty that I had to click on some of those articles to see what they were actually about and contributed to the ad revenue. Stop making shit pink. Your "Living" page can still be lame, whatever. Just don't make it pink. Please. Yours annoyedly, Lauren *Not literally. Unfortunately. **In color. I have no idea whether the production of HuffPo's Living page is a green process or not.

Good read'ns on sexism

There is no particular reason why I am using a picture of this douchebag to illustrate this post.

There are a couple of stellar posts by my favoritest bloggers on sexism that I've been meaning to link to, but had been feeling uninspired about actually doing it. So, without further ado:

Amanda Marcotte* wrote an AWESOME post a while back about defining terms, "Misogny v. sexism v. the patriarchy" over at Pandagon that discussed some of the issues of language involved in articulating a political message. Amanda is responding to someone who thinks "misogyny" is a scary word that shouldn't be used because the menz have only been oppressing women for their PROTECTION, not because they "hate" them.** Nice try. Amanda strikes back that actually, Misogyny is a tool of the System of Sexism that holds up Teh Patriarchy (TRIPLE WORD SCORE!). But she does concede that

I do get Kristof’s point about the word 'misogyny', which is defined as 'hatred for women', which seems a little off. I would actually characterize misogyny as 'fear and loathing of women', which is why a man who claims to be 'protecting' women by depriving them of their freedom is a misogynist.

Something about that discussion reminds me of the confusion around the term "homophobia." "I'm not a-skeered of queers," a bigot*** might say, "I just hate 'em!" SAME DIF. Anyway, Amanda makes a good argument out of parsing terms and showing how explaining the language can help explain the system.

And then TA-DA I read another brilliant post ("Feminism 101: 'Sexism is a matter of opinion'") by Melissa McEwan of Shakesville. She explains why drawing attention to expressed sexism against women (AKA misogyny) isn't just a bunch of uptight feminists looking for something to complain about: SEXISM EXISTS WHETHER WE RECOGNIZE IT OR NOT. But leave it to Melissa to explain privilege and socialization in the perfect way:

The patriarchy is very like the Matrix, in that it is a false construct laid over the top of a reality, that makes things look very different. Viewing the same thing while fully and uncritically socialized into the patriarchy and while cognizant of its falsity creates two very different pictures.

She is constantly blowing my fucking mind. So go read the whole thing. Soak in the delicious warmth and magic of the feminist-o-sphere, though it has been going through a rough patch lately, it is still full of knowledge and passion. Though, let's be honest, I'll probably return to bitching about Pluggers tomorrow.



*Yeah, I know she's been embroiled in this "her book has racist imagery illustrating it" controversy, but she apologized, and I think is sincerely embarrassed and penitent. I still haven't cracked my copy of her book because I've had a pile of awesomeness I compulsively bought off Amazon/checked out of the library first, but I look forward to be offended by the pictures and hopefully enjoying the writing despite it. And that's really all I have to say about that. An interesting take from The Apostate about the whole thing (who I found via Bitch Ph.D. and am really digging), though she does take a shot at dear Hugo Schwyzer, whose sensitivity I find to be sweet and certainly well-earned. And this is why I sometimes fail to engage in blogging about the beauty that can be found in the feminist blogosphere: it can get a little crazy, and I have to spend all this time linking everybody ever. And my laziness is legendary.

**Also, anyone who uses "evolutionary psychology" to explain modern gender relations is pretty much automatically an asshole who is trying to come up with scientific reasoning for their sexist bullshit.

***No, it is not prejudiced to characterize homophobes as backwoods know-nothing-types. Or maybe it is, and I just don't care because I both fear and loathe rednecks and homobigots, and I enjoy conflating the two as one because STEREOTYPES ARE FUN AND EASY. I should write advertising for stereotypes.

Blogwhoredoms

Hey, my friend and de facto roommate Josh (who encouraged me to get this blog up and running) now has a great new blog of his own: Embrace Your Inner Nerd. Go say hi and embrace the nerdery. Although if I'm honest, I've got to say that Josh's nerd is less "inner" and more "completely obvious at first glance." Just sayin'.