NEW TUMBLR I HAVE A TUMBLR LOOKIT

I got a little carried away with some Upworthy/Buzzfeed-style headline jokes on Twitter last week and decided to just fucking make a Tumblr: Charles F. Upworthington III. Go look at it to experience fabulous content like this:

I ask the Sexy Gay Jesus for forgiveness

No, not for forgetting his death/undeath day celebrations, though I'm sure he'd approve of me and the I-Man consuming massive amounts of Gilmore Girls instead since I drunkenly bought it on Amazon, justifying the purchase to myself through tax returns. No, I can't believe I have allowed myself to stop being obsessed with this man or this video since last finals season! That first link leads to a fan!site! with an almost embarrassingly unselfconscious interview. He wrote 70 songs for the album! He is a TV producer who likes anime! That explains both the money and connections behind the video, as well as the hair. Check out his imdb bio, it is like 73 times longer than his list of credits! Also, the video will have at least two sequels (squee!). I cannot wait. Chris Dane and his sparkly guitar and guitar sponsorship deal rock my socks and I sincerely want him to become a major superstar. There is nothing in the world more better than what this man has accomplished thus far in his musical career. So go watch the video again. Contemplate what the drawn-on mustache symbolizes as per his performance of masculinity as "Jade." Contemplate why anachronistic exploding battleship stock footage is thrown into this CGI-wonder. But do not try to contemplate the plot. It will only come to naught. Give in to the man-locks, and SHINE! Here's an embeddable version of the video, but it's way higher quality if you watch it at his website:

"Love has enemies." Who knew?

Via Bitch Ph.D., I have discovered the world's next amazing rock superstar: Chris Dane Owens.

I've never seen anyone less self-aware than this guy.

This man has a green sparkly guitar, and on his new album, "Pop melodies mingle with massive electric guitars, driving beats, and the gleam of techno-wizardry." I wonder if that's something you can major in at Hogwarts. Anyway, Chris Dane Owens has one of the most epic music videos I've ever seen, directed by an Academy Award-winning special effects guy. Seriously, go watch it. It will change your life.