Pluggin' Away at Pluggers

I still love to hate this cartoon and sometimes look at a month's worth of panels all at once just to fill up this here blog with ridiculous content. You're welcome/sorry.

Pluggers are boring squares who have just been waiting for their giant humanimal-hybrid bodies to deteriorate to the point at which it is socially acceptable to get prescribed mass amounts of pharmaceutical fun drops and be high as fuck all the time.

That is not a "pretty young girl," she's just a regular member of the plugger cast like you!* I hope it doesn't strike too much of a blow to your self-esteem, dude.

FUCK YOU, OBAMACARE. (I'm guessing this is what this means.)

Unlike the rest of us, pluggers perform the basic assigned duties of their jobs. Aside: when I used to work at a pizza place(/any time I have ever ordered pizza), the manager would just give an estimate as to how long deliveries would take based on how busy we were and how many drivers were working, so I'm pretty sure the idea of pizza in precisely 30 minutes was just a thing in commercials one time in the '80s. But whatever, I am sure pluggers tip like shit (if at all), so I don't know why this pizza dogbro even bothered to hurry.

How can a dog grow a beard?! And why is the chicken lady judging him for not sticking to some 1950s idea of clean cut = professionalism? He stocks the shelves at the grocery store. So does my husband. He has a majestic beard and a Ph.D. Fuck you, plugger lady! Besides, have you seen what's going on with her appearance? I mean, she has weird wobbly nodules on top of her head and what are basically googly eyes behind those glasses.

We know you guys spend six days a week in line at every CVS, Walgreens, RiteAid, Target, and Wal-Mart pharmacy in town trying to quadruple-dip on each of your opiate prescriptions, do you really not have it together enough to step one aisle over and pick up a second heating pad? Fucking lazy, cheap-ass pluggers. Quit complaining!


*Though apparently she's the stand-in for "young woman." Because she's thin and has long eyelashes, I guess? I don't want to think any more about plugger beauty standards. ahadfhiiopwqe

Millennials: Are we really that terrible, and exactly how much?

"Thanks for all the deregulation, Mom and Dad. See you at home!" Via.

I was born in 1983, guys. That makes me one of these "Millennials" we've all been hearing about! Are we narcissists? Are we screwed? Are we parents' basement-dwelling trolls who are ruining society? Or are we awesomely politically engaged and progressive? These are all good questions. As one of the elder statespersons* of this generation, I have some thoughts. And since having "thoughts" about huge swaths of human beings limited only by arbitrary birthdates and the geographical limits of the United States (since most of these stories are about American youths**) seems to get people a lot of attention these days, I'm going to go ahead and jump on that bandwagon. Also, I was given too many "participation" trophies growing up and believe that my contributions are inherently unique and valuable. I'm working on being the voice of my generation. Let me confirm your previously held biases in a numbered list fashion.

1. Narcissism

It is true, we Millennials are selfish, narcissistic assholes. We feel entitled to things like "jobs" and "opportunities" and "healthcare" and "not being bullied." We post our random thoughts and pix on the Tumblrz and the Tweeteries and the QuickiGramz as if anybody cares what our cat has climbed into now or what we ate for dinner, amirite? We're the worst!

Counterpoint: Teenagers and twentysomethings are notorious assholes, so I'm not sure there is anything about being born in a post-Carter administration era that makes us any worse than anyone else. Baby Boomers thought they were so awesome as teens and twentysomethings that they won't fucking shut up about how awesome the 1960s were TO THIS DAY. That's why Community's "Baby Boomer Santa" made me LOL so hard. Look into the face of truth, olds. (Sorry that face is Chevy Chase. I hear he's a huge douche.)

2. Economic Insecurity

It is also true that the gutting of the social safety net, destruction of labor unions, general Wall Street robber baron-ing, increased class stratification, blahblahblah kind of screws us youngs a little bit. I'm not saying that I thought getting graduate degrees in cultural studies would be highly lucrative, but I am saying that right now I am a long-term part-time temp who is no longer a full-time student and will lose her student health insurance and have to start paying back student loans soon and also my husband is an adjunct-y academic who only has grocery store work during the summer. We are kind of poor. I'm not saying I don't blame myself, because I am really, really good at internalizing negative feelings, but when so many of my hardworking peers are in similar straits, I would perhaps suggest we have some structural problems that will take structural solutions. We can't all up and invent Facebook and turn into billionaires.*** And you wonder why we spend all our time there, sharing sloth gifs? The real world is a bleak, bleak place. 

Counterpoint: BOOTSTRAPS. (Never mind that some people have no boots, or the boots they were given were really shitty and the straps tore off a long time ago, or were lady boots which have silly heels that are hard to walk in, etc.) We should all be emulating Ragged Dick. (Heh.)

3. Kids! Who can understand anything they say?****

It is also true that we are destroying the fabric of this nation/economy/traditional social mores/name whatever old people like to get upset about changing. Millennials, unlike young people in the past (SARCASM), sometimes do things differently than their parents and grandparents. It's almost like emerging popular cultural trends as well as ye olde various geopolitical/socioeconomic circumstances determine both our preferences and the options available to us. So, like, maybe we can't do things the way you did, because that world doesn't exist anymore. You know?

Counterpoint: Tradition! Uphill both ways snowstorm Vietnam!

4. Standard Bearers of the Liberal Utopian Future
It is true that Millennials are into politics and are kind of liberal and shit. As we all know, I'm not personally occupying anything, but I am sympathetic. Also, sorry/not sorry so many of us are gay/don't care if you're gay/love the gays and watch too much Bravo. I'm fucking a feminist and even the women my age who reject the label believe in most of the same things I do. I'd like to believe we can usher in some kind of democratic socialist Scandinavian state, but I remain pessimistic.

Counterpoint: Get off my lawn! And get a job! But first go into tens of thousands of dollars in debt for a college degree and I will hire you to work 35 hours a week only so I don't have to give you benefits! But could you fix my computer, please?

Conclusion: Millennials are over-privileged douches who spend all their time on Farmville and don't believe in hard work and also have too many tattoos and America is going to collapse under the weight of our collective narcissism. As a 29 year-old with 2.5 advanced degrees who can't get a full-time job, I have to agree that we are all the worst, and that all link bait-y trend pieces about generational divides are true. I also texted this whole post on my iPhone that my parents pay for. While commuting on my bike.

*See: non-gendered language. FEMINIST MILLENNIAL WIN.

**Does anybody else love the word "youths"? I mean, I know Schmidt does. 

***What would poor Mark Zuckerberg have done with a Harvard degree and advanced computer programming abilities otherwise?
****I got to sing this as part of "Adult Chorus #2" in my high school production of Bye Bye Birdie. NBD.

The Sexy Gay Jesus answers an etiquette question nobody asked Him

My Loving Worshipers,

Sexy Gay Jesus here. It's been a while since I've written, I know. It seems nobody needs my advice anymore, so I've been hanging out with the Occupy crowd in New York, inspiring people, protesting greed, helping heal the sick and trench-footed, and circle-drumming:

I'm the guy with the beard, obvs.

Anyway, after getting evicted from the park a few nights ago, I decided to take a protest break and come back to Boringtown, Ohio to see if Lauren had gotten any life advice questions for me. She hadn't. But as I was trolling Yahoo! I saw a question submitted to Dear Abby that I think I could really add some perspective to:

Dear Abby:
Whenever I receive a business communication from someone unknown to me with my first name in the salutation, as in "Dear Robert," it immediately goes into the trash.

Being addressed by my first name in this context is just plain wrong. Since I don't know the person who is sending the correspondence, I find the informal tone to be highly improper...

I have been accused of being "old school." However, there are rules and guidelines governing written communication, and it seems as though they are being ignored. Would you please inform people about the proper way to write?  -- CALL ME "MISTER C.," SAN JOSE, CALIF.

Dear Mr. Cock (I just decided that's what the C stands for),

You need to chill the fuck out. You are "old school," and not in a Fab Five Freddy kind of way. Yes, sometimes people presume too much familiarity in correspondence and in personal interaction, but some (most?) of us don't give a shit if people call us by our first names (Unless they are creepy, in which case we prefer that they not know our names at all). Do you think people would like me as much as they do if I ran around insisting people call me MISTER Christ all the time? And sure, while I appreciate a good beatifying title like "Our Dear Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Son of God, Redeemer of the World, Jehovah, Prince of Peace, Light of the World, the Way the Truth and the Life, Lamb of God, King of the Jews, etc., etc.," that just takes too long for everyday use. And depending on which industry you work in, formality standards may be in flux.  I am pleased to see, though, that you both adhere to old-fashioned etiquette standards AND can use the internet with some competence! It is possible that one of those first name-users may actually be an important client or contact though, so I am not sure just deleting those messages is a good idea. I'm assuming you continue to work somewhere stodgy, in which case I recommend you reply to all overly informal emails as passive-aggressively as possible. Por ejemplo:

Dear MS. Soandso,

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately, both Dear Abby and I think you know nothing about business etiquette. I prefer not to be addressed by my first name by anyone, including my wife and my parents. I am afraid your business will ultimately fail because you have mis-gauged the proper level of formality. I have spent YEARS earning my title of "Mr." through being male and over eighteen and insist it be used at all times in order to show the proper respect to a man of my status.

Get off my lawn.

Sincerely,
MISTER R. COCK

I think this could be a really effective networking tool for you.

Love and vodka shots,

THE Sexy Gay Jesus, Ph.DEITY

White assholes had a party and didn't invite me

What gives? My invitation better've gotten lost in the mail, Beck.

BARF.

Is there a Plugger crisis?!

I was just thinking,"It's been so long since I senselessly ranted about the latest Gary Brookins/reader-submitted anti-elitist human/animal hybrid horror that promotes prescription drug abuse on your friendly neighborhood comics page. I should find a recent shitty panel and ramble about how much I hate it." So, like I usually do, I just Googled "Pluggers," and what should come up under the usual "Pluggerville" or "Pluggers.com" but this:



WTF?! I like how it says, "Where did Pluggers.com go?" and then proceeds to not answer the question. Apparently you can still read it online, but I am (vaguely) concerned about this latest turn of events. The panels from yesterday and today are totally reruns! Yesterday's identifies it as a "classic," but there is no mention of a source at all on today's. Suspicious. Is Chief Plugger Gary Brookins just on vacation? Do Pluggers take vacations, or is that too French-y? I highly doubt America's working-class, comics-reading, cheap, poor, curmudgeonly, old, drug-addicted-types have run out of bad puns, so why two days in a row of shitty reruns? What is the problem?

Normally, the repeats wouldn't really catch my eye, as the basis of every edition of Pluggers is the same poorly-told joke over and over again, but with the disappearance of the website with no explanation worries me. Did they shut it down due to low traffic? I know real-life Pluggers probably haven't figured out the internet yet--SEE: the fact that Pluggers submissions should be sent to an AOL address--so maybe it just wasn't worth the work to keep it going. I don't know, guys, I would be really pretty sad to see Pluggers disappear from the comics page forever. Sure, I hate other comics, but none with the combination of tenderness and rage I feel for the horrifying anthropomorphized blue collar beasts featured by Brookins. For now, I will keep my eye out for any Pluggers developments. God only knows what life would be like without it to mock and berate.

Hooray! John McCain hates bloggers!

Old Man McMaverick is hostile to the interwebs. Beautiful image via Shakesville.

Joe Soucheray still unspeakably lame. Also, kinda racist.

Yeah, he went there.

Remember Joe Soucheray? You don't? Oh, well, you're lucky. Unfortunately, we have a subscription to The Pioneer Press and his bullshit gets delivered to our front door a couple times a week. Usually I skip it in favor of everything found in the Life section (Reading the actual news is depressing/the stories are obsolete by the time I get home from work in the afternoon. And besides, that is what the internet at work is for.). Oh, but yesterday I had the pleasure of spotting the Doucheray's latest journalistic gem: A little dap will do it for Obama and his wife. I'll let you in on some nuggets so you don't actually have to go read it:

And then, here in Minnesota, in the middle of a hockey rink, Barack and Michelle gave each other a little dap.

That's what it's called when you and another person bump fists. I know this because I am a big fan of Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings* and I have also looked up the etymology of the word, which pundits around the country would have been well advised to do because they called it a fist bump in their analysis.

A few observations: I thought maybe "dap" was a word Joe Soucheray had maybe overheard once on the teevee and was misusing. But I investigated his claims, and apparently the fist bump is the simplest form of dap. Right, but it's still a fist bump. See the ultimate authority for a proper definition, friend. I think it's pretty obvious that Joe Soucheray should not try and expound on the technicalities or intricacies of popular cultural phenomena, am I right? I agree with him (thought it pains me to type those words) that the moment was cool. Also, ADORABLE. They are both so fucking hot and they are obviously totally still way into each other. But here's the deal: Joe Soucheray must be one of those "colorblind" conservatives, because he manages to never mention the fact that the fist bump, though co-opted into mainstream white/youth culture, is a black thing. Culturally. Historically. I think he's seriously remiss in omitting that from his "etymology." Because I'm a-just sayin', that if the Clintons fist-bumped it would look totally staged and tacky and, dare I say, minstrel-y. Not just because they're white, but because they're my parents' age. That would not do. Anecdote: I remember being confused by the fist presented to me by one of the two black members of my junior high choir. Though I quickly figured out how to pound, she did (justifiably) laugh at me in the meantime.

And now I wonder, parenthetically, am I going down some sort of weird Jimmy the Greek road because I am assigning to certain people a special ability to capture coordination and grace?

Not just "certain" people, asshole. The problem lies with judgments about certain GROUPS of people. Good thing there's not, like, a stereotype floating around in our cultural consciousness or anything about stuff like this.

Whatever, this guy has a good analysis of the whole thing (esp. regarding youth appeal). Joe Soucheray would probably tell me I'm racist because I think it's okay for the black guy.** Joe Soucheray would be wrong. I'm not saying I'm not racist (though I don't want to be), but I don't believe any of that "reverse racism" bullshit conservative bigots are always spouting off about. Someone like Soucheray trying to talk about a dap/fist bump as if it's something he knows all about is just laughable. And I say this as someone who is both white and uncool: it's embarrassing when older people try to use the lingo and discuss what the cool kids are doing. Okay?

Oh, and this:

If these two make it to the White House, I know who they should book for the dance, and it's not Hootie and the Blowfish or Bruce Springsteen, if you know what I mean.

I think he means BLACK MUSICIANS.*** Don't get me wrong, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings totally rock my socks, but seriously, Joe Soucheray. I guess they're an acceptable compromise for him, because he's really not a fan of hip-hop (WARNING: link contains blatantly racist bullshit).



*"I'm not a racist, some of my best CDs are black!"

**I'm not going to lie, I do think he knows what he's talking about because he's black, young-ish (I'm going on the picture and the fact that he is obviously younger than the Doucheray), and not an asshole. And because he knows what he's talking about.

***I know that Hootie guy is black, but whatever.