Dear Joe Soucheray,*
I hate you. Your column sucks. As the mouthpiece of the "You Kids Get Off My Lawn" demographic, your writing is pretty much Pluggers in a "political commentary"-type forum. And I thought nothing could be worse than Pluggers. Well, I thought wrong. I've been able to pretend you don't exist ever since you pissed me off by claiming we didn't need to spend that much tax money and/or time to replace the 35W bridge.** WHATEVER. But that was until yesterday. Yesterday I saw this headline sneering at me: "Hillary's coffee cup runneth over -- with humiliation."
When at last they shoot a large tranquilizer dart into her behind and drag her off the national stage, the lasting memory I will have of Hillary Clinton is Hillary at the coffee machine.TRANQUILIZER DART?!!*** Ahem. Hillary Clinton is apparently a large, rampaging wild animal that must be "put down" to avoid causing damage to regular Americans. Yep, regular Americans who drink crappy gas station coffee. I see that one of the neighbor kids showed you how to use the "YouToobz" and you were able to see a video of her being confused by an automatic coffee machine. As a non-coffee drinker, I have to say that whenever I have to use one of those machines to fill up some hot chocolate or something, I definitely have to read the directions and look around for the lids and sometimes fuck it up and spill a little. And I don't even have the national press corps recording my every clumsy move. It could be that my blonde female compatriot and I are just DUMB, but I imagine you and your "traditional values"-promoting friends in the media are trying to promote the idea that she's "out of touch" and "elite." Can I just say something? Wait, why did I ask your permission? I'm going to say something: WHO GIVES A FUCK? You make a big deal about how she showed up at a gas station for some (admittedly dumb) publicity stunt about gas taxes or whatever, and not only did you accuse her of only "pretend[ing] to understand how gas gets pumped," but you also make a big show of calling out that
...[B]ehind her was the large carbon footprint of six Suburbans full of security people, two squad cars and a news van with the press pool and the photographers.Ahem. Again. God, I must have something in my throat. I'm just going to point out a few things here. Hillary Clinton doesn't "pretend" to know how gas is pumped. I am 100% POSITIVE that at one time, Hillary Clinton regularly pumped her own gas. It's not like she's from Oregon. Oh, and I'm sure that condescending tone has NOTHING to do with her gender. NOTHING AT ALL. (More on this later, obvs.) Also, it is obvious to me that you, Joe Soucheray, don't give a fuck about anybody's carbon footprint and you're just trying to make fun of liberal environmentalists. We are aware that this was a public event. Did you know that Hillary Clinton is not only a presidential candidate and a United States Senator, but also the former First Lady?!!! Do you know that that means she gets, like, super-extra-awesome Secret Service service, whether she wants it or not? So, even if she wanted to pop down to the SA for some of their gourmet roast every morning, it might be too much of a hassle. It might actually make sense for someone to get her coffee for her. And sometimes it might even be SLIGHTLY classier than gas station coffee.
And another thing, you accuse Hillary Clinton with the ol' "inauthentic" chestnut by pointing out that the ridiculous truck bed she gave a speech from was a restored classic pick-up that WASN'T EVEN DIRTY. I'm not saying the whole truck thing was a good idea, it was stupid. Obviously. But The Sexy Gay Jesus and I both know that if she had pulled out a "real workingman's" truck with mud all over it, you would have accused her of pandering even more. Going on about her "pantsuits,"**** and how she's encroaching on the GARAGE, where only men, working men, dirty working men who pump their own gas and can use an automatic coffee machine blindfolded and with one grease-stained and calloused hand tied behind their backs belong.
But the most revealing moment came for me at the end of this week's column:
So you only like helpless little ladies. I get it; it's a misogynist thing. But Hillary's, like, totally PMS-ing and just WILL NOT get off the stage like a good girl. So you're not going to ask nicely anymore, you're just going to drug her against her will and drag her away like a sea turtle we can tag and track.***** But don't worry, Hillsy, we'll find you a nice lady friend to take care of you. Maybe she can show you which button to push on the coffee machine. Now, lest you accuse me of being a humorless feminist who is just LOOKING for misogyny in all the wrong places, I present to you:
I liked her at that moment. She seemed so ultimately vulnerable.
When they come to get her with the dart or the net, I hope somebody takes care of her.
EXHIBIT A: Your radio show's dictionary. Perhaps I will post on just this one day if I can stomach talking about you again.
EXHIBIT B: This not-so-subtly gender-based Hillary-bashing is part of a widespread misogynist backlash. See Shakesville's (now) 90-part series.
So, in closing: You may have called yourself an "amateur psychiatrist" in this column, but in my heart, you're a professional douchebag. Still, always, and forever.
Love and vodka shots,
*Or should I say DOUCHE-eray? Haha.
**I'm not going to lie, I kind of hope this (not-)recession turns into a depression and we totally bring back the Works Progress Administration and finally fucking reinvest in our crumbling infrastructure, not mention funding the arts. Also, I bet those working for the WPA would have to partake of Teh Dreaded Socialized Medicine! Of course, "FDR" was probably a dirty acronym in the Soucheray household growing up.
***Something I should not have to point out: Any time you make light of violence against an individual woman, even imagined violence, you are promoting violence against ALL women. It's called a SYSTEM OF OPPRESSION for a reason, and threats against one of us are used to subdue and control all of us. This is not up for debate. Unless you are an asshole. Which I suppose is why we're here in the first place.
****What is the media obsession with pantsuits? Men wear pantsuits all the time. But they're boys, and their outfits are the norm by which all other variations of clothing are measured, so they just get to have "suits." I mean, come on, do we make a big deal when women wear "skirt suits?" Maybe if a candidate started wearing a "tiger suit" or a "glow-in-the-dark swimsuit" on the campaign trail, we could start making a thing about it.
*****I actually think tracking animals with electronic devices or putting cameras on them and following them is really cool. For, like, educational purposes. Not cool for people.