Energy Drink/Bureaucracy Review: Red Bull Yellow Edition/Blue Cross Blue Shield

Gang, I don't even want to get started on the tragic story of our missing government-subsidized healthcare, but suffice it to say that through no fault of our own, we have been left uninsured so far in 2015 and I have six Prozac pills left and no refills left on my prescription, so anyway it's been fun. We should officially get coverage this week, so hopefully it'll all work itself out blahblahblah. But anyway, I get to call Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota and ask them why they've sent us a $733.72 bill for coverage we never had. HAHAHA SUPERFUN.

This would be too many of this flavor, 7-11.

Anyway, I'm also going to try this Red Bull Yellow Edition (apparently also known as the "Summer Edition" because right now it's probably summer on Mars or something), which is supposed to be "tropical"-flavored. Whatever that means. Probably fucking pineapple. Let's do both of these things!

FLAVOR: Not bad. Not too pineappley. General fruitiness, a tinge of tanginess. Again, not bad. Not great either.

PHONE CALL: "Hang up if this a medical emergency?" Okay. God, voice recognition software is the worst. It keeps making me spell my husband's last name. It starts with a V which is basically impossible to differentiate from any other letter on the phone. They're sending me to a representative. 3 minutes on hold, they estimate. We'll see. Shitty jazzy hold music. Oh, less than 3 minutes! They tell me I have to go back and cancel through MNSure or just let it cancel due to nonpayment OKAY SURE GREAT INSURANCING, GUYS. That was fun how you wanted me to pay you for the two months we've been anxiously waiting for our goddamn insurance cards and paying out of pocket for all our prescriptions and putting off doctor's appointments! (I didn't say any of that stuff to the nice lady who has to answer for terrible corporate decisions, just to Isaac afterwards.)

EFFECTIVENESS: It's hard to say if the energy drink or my righteous indignation is hyping me up more, but I'm pretty sure it's a potent combination. No longer as angry, the drink is doing its job in that my legs are extra shaky and my typing fingers feel especially fast. I keep thinking how silly it is that the pull tab on these Red Bull cans, instead of just the oval, features the outline of the bull. Like, why? It's hard to identify. I keep thinking it's, like, an elephant-fishwhaleman. Look:

Image source.

Right?

OVERALL: Whatever. It's fine. Not my fave flave, but it works good and stuff. DO WHAT YOU WANT, STOP LETTING THE (WO)MAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

Today's most important stories

Elizabeth Warren (maybe possibly an Indian so let's be racist about it but also accuse her of lying about it) is so fucking adorable. In addition to be being smart and awesome and badass, obvs. (Wonkette)

Isaac and I recently watched a show about the dude who stole Einstein's brain and kept it in a jar in his house (or car) for decades. But did you know that the alleged penis of Napoleon Bonaparte has most recently been stored in a suitcase under a bed in New Jersey? Shenanigans! (Wonders & Marvels, where I plan to spend much time reading this afternoon)

In a very important report, Pixie analyzes the fashion of ladies in board games. WTF was with there only being, like, four ladies in all of Guess Who? (Rookie)

In other news, I had a bit of an emotional breakdown after work yesterday, but cuddle therapy and some of my new favorite cartoon, Adventure Time helped me bounce back some. My crushing anxiety about my doctoral comprehensive/preliminary exams which start tomorrow left me with only 2-3 hours of sleep, so I'm doing awesome is what I am saying. HAHAHAHA not really, but I'm glad I brought back-up caffeine today. Also terrible: navigating this country's private health care industry. But the epic tale of the Grand Health Insurance Fiasco of 2012 is for another day, my friends. Hopefully once I am sure I actually have coverage and don't have to explain to the lady at the Walgreen's that yes, I understand my Prozac is expensive without insurance and yes, I am trying to get some. It was only, like more than half of a week's paycheck for a 90-day supply. Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus for generics.

I catch up on Pluggers

No blatant prescription drug abuse references recently, but still, here are some gems from the last month in Pluggers: This panel literally activated my gag reflex. You're welcome. Though this building APPEARS to be an outhouse on a frozen lake, I believe it is actually supposed to be what is called an "ice shanty"* utilized by those participating in "ice fishing," which is pretty much a combination of the two worst things in the world: winter and fish. BTW, does anybody else think walking on frozen lakes/ponds/water what-have-yous is pure devilry and just tempting fate? I've seen Little Women, people! It's unnatural and the universe is in the right avenging this breach by pulling people through the ice. Between the paper and their street pharmacists, Pluggers could teach Congress a thing or two about lowering costs. AMIRITE, people? . . . Pluggers are going to die. Very soon. *Thank you for that bit of redneck knowledge, Wisconsin.

A conspiracy in the works

Why is my student health insurance (through Aetna, who by the way, once claimed on a statement that the student health insurance that I buy through the school and am required by the school to have doesn't cover visits to the student health center, you know, on campus, but I digress) charging me $23 for a seasonal flu shot I got a couple of months ago when I was able to get an H1N1 vaccine for free last week? Also, why did the regular flu shot make me feel ill for 12 hours and like I got punched in the arm, while the H1N1 shot just itched a little bit the next day? When I find out whichever government agency is harvesting my genetic tissue for nefarious biological weapons research, they'd better not have charged me for it. Assholes. I can has move to Canada now, plz?

Women's "Health" AGAIN

Dear House of "Representatives": Hey, way to go on that Stupak shit! Heaven forbid we act as if uterus-bearing bodies need medical care. I mean, different kinds than boys. Icky stuff like that is only for special interests. And ladies should have to pay for that shit themselves. Especially what with women having all that total economic equality and whatnot. Insurance companies can't possibly be asked to cover lady procedures. Especially not for slutty slutty slut women who have S-E-X. Besides, I know all y'all congresspersons are too busy struggling with the concept of "majority" and trying to be all, like, REVOLUTIONARY in your "reform" bill-passing. Concessions take a lot of energy, AMIRITE? Anyway, girls are gross and conservatives are intimidating and LIFE TAKES COMPROMISE. Besides, it's not like the Democrats need women to get elected or anything. Love, Lauren "I hope Planned Parenthood takes food stamps!" Chesnut Hey, remember this?

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
John McCain's Air Quotes
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Can I talk about health care again, people?

Yes, I can. Because this is my blog, and though often underused, it does still belong to me. So there. Anyway, this health care mess, amirite? I have two points to make, or rather two nebulous meandering paragraphs that I plan on writing: Paragraph the First: DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE UNINSURED ON PURPOSE? Seriously. God-fucking-dammit, people. Even health care politics resident internet expert Ezra Klein was screwed over by a clerical error and was briefly uninsured and he, like, studies this shit for a living. I myself was uninsured for about four months a few years ago. My parents' insurance cut me off when I turned 23 in September of 2006, when I was a recent college grad working a temporary job I'd finagled from my former student job. Luckily I only had to go to a doctor once during that time and they charged on a sliding scale for the uninsured (a Planned Parenthood--though for totally non-abortion-related health reasons, not that it's any of your business). I ended up getting another, permanent job with health benefits elsewhere at my alma mater starting that January. Presently I am insured as a student at my university now (though that's another ridiculous mess of bureaucracy). I ended up getting insurance and keeping that job until I went to grad school because it was cushy and I had nothing better to do, but I had a roommate who was forced to keep her grocery store cashier position for a long time even though it was giving her a serious repetitive-stress injury because she had benefits from it. Which she was using to treat her injury and also did I mention she had two other part time jobs? Also, have I mentioned that this is bullshit? Young adults with college degrees who work full-time, kids. I'm not saying that we deserve health care more than anyone else (because that is also bullshit), but how do you justify getting screwed to those of us who are supposedly "doing everything right"? Sometimes I hate living in America. Paragraph the Second: BARACK OBAMA IS AN INCLUSION WHORE. Recently I've been discussing with a dear friend of mine how she's kind of a friend whore. By which I mean, she is cool and awesome and smart and fun etc. but sometimes hangs out with really lame people just because they call her. She just can't say no. Then again, she has a very active social life. However, sometimes I'm like, "Why are you friends with so-and-so? I don't understand. They = lame. Their favorite show is Friends, I mean come on!"* Anyway, besides the not-so-shocking revelation that I am a boring-people snob, I kind of think Barack Obama, our dear President of America is kind of the same way. He's like, "Everybody likes me, I'm so good-looking and smart and accomplished and easygoing lalala." But then he's also like, "But the Republicans CALLED me and asked me what I was doing about health care reform, and I couldn't just IGNORE them." But. But. But, Mr. President, with all due respect, YOU CAN. Fuck the Republicans, fuck the Blue Dogs, fuck Glenn Beck and the town halls, get on board the Super-Awesome Barney Frank "Fuck You, Crazies" Train. Stop trying to be friends with everybody and give us some goddamn real reform with a public option. INSIST UPON IT. You can do that. Congress is even more of an inclusion whore than you are. And maybe everyone will cry until they start to feel the benefits, and then it'll be like they were all affected by a soap opera coma/amnesia/evil twin plot twist and cry if you try to take them away. So do it.** *You know I love you. **(Swan, every year)

Dear Mr. President but also the Congress:

Hello? Mr. Barack Obama? Messrs. and Mmes. of the House and the Senate? Could I talk to you guys for a minute? So, I was wondering about this "health care" thing you've been working on. See, the thing is, one day I will no longer be a grad student but may not be able to find a job that provides benefits and right now my teeth are rotting from all the energy drinks and I don't have dental coverage and also my boyfriend had to pay with some money he didn't have for some sort of testing that should totes be covered but isn't because student health insurance is crappy AND expensive and I hope to avoid ever having to go to the emergency room for routine (or emergency, obvs) care that I will have to pay for out of pocket and also I don't hate poor people and am also kind of poor, so could you just give us a public option and stop all this pussyfooting* and palling around with your boyfriends in the "health" "care" lobby? Those people are bastards who want to rip us off and you guys need to figure out a new way to fund your campaigns. So, as my pal Julia would say: "Either do it, or don't do it.... But do it." Love and universal coverage because socialism is actually kind of awesome and I know because I went to Scandinavia last summer, Lauren C. For personal documentation, see here. *What is that even supposed to mean? Is it about cats? I'm pretty sure it's misogynist, but whatevs. UPDATE: I consulted the Canadians (who also know a thing or two about health care and also not shooting each other):

pussyfoot → intransitive verb 1. move stealthily or warily. 2. act cautiously or noncommittally.

I guess because pussycats are so stealthy and good at avoiding doing shit... like the Congress!

If Pluggers could afford cable, their kids would find out about "Intervention" and try to get them on the show

For reasons passing understanding, I continue to search high and low (but mostly on internet newspaper sites) for ever more evidence of Plugger prescription drug addictions. Because after "Pluggers are poor/cheap" "Pluggers are old/fat" and "Pluggers vote Republican" comes "Pluggers have been scouring the latest news stories about Michael Jackson's addictions, trying to pick up tips on how to score" as a main theme. Anyway, a few new items have recently come to my attention: I consulted our good friends at the best-selling Canadian Oxford Dictionary about the definition of "paradox":

paradox noun

a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement which, when investigated or explained, may prove to be well-founded or true. a statement that is actually self-contradictory, absurd, or false.

I think by "paradox," Bob Elkins and Chief Addict Plugger Gary Brookins really mean "dilemma":

dilemma noun

a situation in which a choice has to be made between two equally undesirable alternatives.

As in, Mrs. Lady Chicken Plugger is forced to either see a doctor who has already refused to keep writing her prescriptions, or she will have to wait to get her fix until Dr. Johnson gets back in town to give her the hookup. What a paradox dilemma! Now that we've learned the correct word, here is what appears to be another dilemma. Except not! See, Pluggers are so high all the time, it doesn't really matter which ones they take when. If it's the "night" pills they can either just pass out for eight hours or quickly pop the "daytime" pills to perk them up when they realize they have to drive the kids to soccer practice. Pretty much any day's panel in this comic should be summed up as: "How high can I get without losing the ability to obtain more drugs for later?" No dilemmas, no paradoxes. And Gary Brookins, just because words with x's in them are fun, doesn't mean you can just throw them around willy-nilly. Consult the Canadians next time. They know what they're talking aboot.

Now I'm just doing this to myself

So our subscription to the Pioneer Press ran out, and we're not renewing it because we're all moving away in the next month. This is tragic in part because I was really starting to master the re-run NYT crosswords by doing them every day, and also because now if I want to get pissed off about Pluggers, I have to seek it out. On the internet. And I've done it. Because I am a sick bastard. I'm a masochist and a glutton for punishment. But come ON, you guys? Have you seen Sunday's strip?

Pluggers have discovered that a) there is a gas crisis, but only because of discovery b) inflation exists; and probably solely to piss off cheap, cheap rhino bastards.

If telephones weren't too tech for a Plugger to figure out, I would say Gary Brookins totally phoned this one in. There's not even a real-life Plugger contributor listed. What is happening to you, Pluggers? Why do I care?

Also, I don't see a gas station. What I see is that Sr. Rhino tried to make it home on fumes again and had to pull over in somebody's lawn while he hiked back to the Kum & Go for some gas, picking up some chew while he's at it. Let's hear you whine about "socialized medicine" when you've got mouth cancer, capice?

Why my health insurance is stupid: A Tuesday morning rant

I'd like to go ahead and apologize to my friends who have already heard me complain. I realize that my problems with my insurance are very small indeed, and I kind of feel like I should just STFU and be grateful that I've even got insurance, but THAT IS HOW THEY GET YOU, my friend. That is how they get you. Two recent incidents and the fact that I will soon be quitting my job and hoping that my student insurance will give me decent coverage have brought this whole situation to a head.

1. TEETH. No, not my favorite fucking movie. Faithful readers and anyone in my office who was around after any of my six successive midday dental appointments will recall that I recently had eleven (or was it twelve?) fillings done. Apparently dumping Sparks, Diet Coke, and generally being predisposed to lots and lots of cavities in my teeth and then not having dental coverage for like a year and a half is a bad combination. Anyway. Because insurance booklets are complicated and have lots of little writing, I'm not going to go and read all the particulars about my coverage. Okay? Who has time for that? Okay, I do, but it's not exactly a make-a-cocktail-and-make-an-evening-of-it type of activity. So it's not going to happen. So the dentist people were telling me that my insurance should cover all the metal fillings, but the composite (white-ish) ones that we were doing in places that would show, I would have to cover a small portion of out-of-pocket. Well, turns out, after I've had all my fillings done (FINALLY, GOOD GOD), my insurance cut me off a long time ago and most of my claims had been denied. So on top of the, like, $300 or so I'd already paid up front for these fillings, I now owed $750 MORE. I was thinking about buying a new camera before my Scandinavian adventure. One that doesn't give everyone ever constant red eye. Perhaps I still will because I am financially irresponsible. But damn, keeping your teeth from rotting out of your head is really expensive! No wonder I'm only paying $25 a month for this crap coverage. /teeth rant

2. GLASSES. So I decided I should get new glasses because I'd had my other pair for a couple of years, and I don't know when I'll have decent insurance again. Well, turns out I don't really have decent insurance now! My eye exam was free. Once a year I get a free one. Huzzah. I knew they didn't cover contacts, and I could have SWORN they covered new glasses once every couple years, but after I'd already ordered a pricey new pair, I called my insurance provider to be like, "Aren't you going to kick in a few bucks for this?" and they were like, "No. We don't cover glasses for you. At all." So another $450 down the drain. You may say, "Lauren, but you NEED glasses for watching TV and checking out the top shelf liquor behind the bar." And I would say, "Yes, but had I known I wouldn't get ANY help paying for them, I would have gone somewhere MUCH CHEAPER." But at least my new glasses are cute. In a "so expensive I'm kind of afraid of breaking/losing them at all times" sort of way. (I got the "tortoise"-colored ones.) Fucking fuck. Another bump on my road to a new camera.

3. Yes, ADDITIONAL RANT. I have to go to a follow-up appointment with the therapist I was seeing for a while today. I do not want to go. You know why? She wasn't particularly helpful. Not completely UNhelpful, mind you, but I only kept going to her because I thought I should go to SOMEONE and she is located at my regular doctor's office that I can ride my bike to and only costs the $25 copay. But if she uses that same Wizard of Oz metaphor to describe my life one more time, so help me Sexy Gay Jesus...

But I should be thankful for what I have because at least I know that when I get nearly hit by a car on my bike at least three times a week, my insurance will probably cover up to, like, 40% of the ambulance cost. Right? Damn it, maybe I should call them and make sure.


ADDENDUM: They'd better figure this whole health care mess before I'm old, because I am so already over it, and I don't even have an excuse to be cranky and misanthropic yet.

Welcome to the Land of Linkin'

Yes, those are Abraham Lincoln lollipops. I bet they taste like freedom!


I've got a big batch of 'em, so I'll try and just pick a few faves for the masses. First, a few apropos the recent holiday:

-My pal Josh was apparently perturbed at my tendency to just sit around on the porch and let other people (usually guys) do all the grilling.* Listen, I like eating meat if other people make it, but I am really fucking lazy and prefer to spend my holidays sitting around and drinking. And yes, I do enjoy baking. Because I would pretty much always rather have a delicious cookie than a hamburger. Well, I'd pretty much rather have a delicious cookie than anything else. And I make damn delicious cookies. Which is why Ka$h is always worried about me getting scurvy. Not scurvy, my friend, just $1000 worth of fillings. Anyway, Josh muses on the cooking world's most pronounced gender divide. Girls don't grill, boys don't bake. (Embrace Your Inner Nerd)

-Pogie (a former mentor of our old friend The Pretentious Ex-Boyfriend) writes a lovely post on how liberals express their patriotism, even if they don't love Toby Keith. Choice quote: "Liberal criticism of our nation’s policies is often mistaken or mischaracterized by the Right as hatred of America, or a desire to leave. Nothing could be further from the truth." Makes me want to go home and watch some West Wing. Liberals Love the United States Too. (Intelligent Discontent)

More gender ranting:

Lame-o conservative columnist Kathleen Parker (will not link) confuses concern for the over-sexualization of children (legit) with victim-blaming (so not). Two of my favorite bloggers respond accordingly:

-Jeff Fecke. Choice quote:

“Can I touch you?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Really, what’s hard to understand about that?

Extra points for the title: Begone, Wanton Trollops! (Blog of the Moderate Left, Shakesville)

-Amanda Marcotte. Choice quote:

What’s the sound of two strawmen mating? Probably the sound of them leaping up and singing in unison “If I Only Had Anatomically Correct Bits Under These Raggedy Pants”.

That tune's going to hit number one on the charts, you'll see! Save the stupid, cruel males. (Pandagon)

And just one more for now:

-I knew I was doing the right thing when I decided to stick with my regular health coverage, eschewing that complicated (and kinda pricey-sounding) health savings account bullshit. Ezra's got my back on that one: it costs more for the ladies. Why do health insurers hate women? (Ezra Klein at the American Prospect)




*Thanks for stepping up on the 4th, Scott! I was afraid I might have to actually touch the grill, possibly causing me to cut down on my alcohol consumption.

Lucky Wednesday Link Dump!

I've been saving up a number of links, and some of them are kind of related to each other, but mostly not. So this is a hodgepodge of random things I've found/been hanging on to for a while. READ THEM. 1. A while back, Twisty eviscerated a douchebag college writer who was offended that people were trying to get men to stop raping people. Junior English major pooh-poohs anti-violence campaign. (I Blame the Patriarchy) 2. My internet boyfriend Ezra Klein pointed out the obvious flaws in McMaverick's criticism of government-run health care forcing the poor to endure longer waiting periods: "We have a two tiered system in America in which the wealthiest can afford to pay for their own health care and we let the poor die." Oh, yeah. Makes a little waiting list not seem so bad, eh? John McCain and Waiting Times. (Ezra Klein at the American Prospect) 3. The Boozehound Cinephile covered the various levels of hangover in a typically delightful manner. I have to say that I agree that with increased tolerance comes the ability to completely skip level one. Hungover? That's just what I feel like EVERY morning. I had probably a level four a couple months ago, but that was probably the worst one ever. I usually don't vomit both the night before AND several times the next day. My tolerance has been so much higher since then, though, so I feel like I just had to earn it. The Five Levels of Hangover. (Pajiba) 4. I think if you ask a hipster, you will find that these things are not mutually exclusive: Massive Oregon Crowd Came to See The Decemberists, Not Barack Obama!* (Wonkette) 5. One of the most interesting articles I've read in a long, long time is about a documentarian's look at the photos from Abu Ghraib, and his search for someone to assign the blame to. He even recruits a facial-expression expert to help prove a young female soldier was a seeker of justice rather than the monster she came to be seen as in one famously incriminating smiling photo. Seriously, the whole thing is totally worth the read. The Most Curious Thing. (Errol Morris, NYT) 6. And for you Lost cult-ies, some feminist analysis from a fellow obsessed fan: Lost Salon and Open Thread. (Melissa McEwan, Shakesville) 7. LAST ONE. A funny video: Daily Show + jokes about depression = television magic! UPDATE: Welcome to my humble blog, American Prospect readers! *Full disclosure: despite my Obama ambivalence and lack of hipster-identification, I will say that I do love me some Decemberists and have seen some pretty sweet live shows by them.

Pluggers leads me to advocate legalizing assisted suicide*

HOW ARE PLUGGERS EVEN STILL ALIVE?! If they have so many doctors' appointments, maybe they should be hospitalized, or at the very least, residing in some sort of assisted-living facility. I mean, I realize a PDA would be WAY too fancy and newfangled for a plugger, but what happened to regular old paper day planners or calendars? Is this plugger just particularly bad a cleaning out his wallet, or does he really have to go to the doctor that much? If it's the latter, he should probably just show up every day and hang around the waiting room until it's his turn. Or maybe he should just look into getting euthanized. Just a suggestion. We do it to animals all the time, and really, it might be time to just cut his losses.** Goddamn pluggers.


*I actually already support this. But especially for pluggers.

**As well as the taxpayer's. That freak of nature must be sucking on the teat of social welfare if he's so poor and still able to get constant medical care.