Wednesday, July 22, 2009

If Pluggers could afford cable, their kids would find out about "Intervention" and try to get them on the show

For reasons passing understanding, I continue to search high and low (but mostly on internet newspaper sites) for ever more evidence of Plugger prescription drug addictions. Because after "Pluggers are poor/cheap" "Pluggers are old/fat" and "Pluggers vote Republican" comes "Pluggers have been scouring the latest news stories about Michael Jackson's addictions, trying to pick up tips on how to score" as a main theme. Anyway, a few new items have recently come to my attention: I consulted our good friends at the best-selling Canadian Oxford Dictionary about the definition of "paradox":
paradox noun
a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement which, when investigated or explained, may prove to be well-founded or true. a statement that is actually self-contradictory, absurd, or false.
I think by "paradox," Bob Elkins and Chief Addict Plugger Gary Brookins really mean "dilemma":
dilemma noun
a situation in which a choice has to be made between two equally undesirable alternatives.
As in, Mrs. Lady Chicken Plugger is forced to either see a doctor who has already refused to keep writing her prescriptions, or she will have to wait to get her fix until Dr. Johnson gets back in town to give her the hookup. What a paradox dilemma! Now that we've learned the correct word, here is what appears to be another dilemma. Except not! See, Pluggers are so high all the time, it doesn't really matter which ones they take when. If it's the "night" pills they can either just pass out for eight hours or quickly pop the "daytime" pills to perk them up when they realize they have to drive the kids to soccer practice. Pretty much any day's panel in this comic should be summed up as: "How high can I get without losing the ability to obtain more drugs for later?" No dilemmas, no paradoxes. And Gary Brookins, just because words with x's in them are fun, doesn't mean you can just throw them around willy-nilly. Consult the Canadians next time. They know what they're talking aboot.

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