Thursday, November 17, 2011

This is what I have to offer, America

At least one guy I kind of know got totally police-brutalized in New York the other night while I fascinatedly watched eviction live feeds from under a cozy quilt on my couch and avoided doing my homework. I thought I should head down to Occupy BG the next day to show solidarity, but the next day was Tuesday which is my worst/busiest day and there is nothing worse than a busy lazy person. But what I'm saying is is that important are happening out there in the world AND random former VP-related trolls come by really old posts to tell me I have blasphemed their forebear's name and am clearly not a nice person and so now I am going to be mean about Pluggers again. I never SAID I was nice!
The economy is so bad, Pluggers have turned to candy stores to feed their children. Though I'm pretty sure Congress just declared green candy a vegetable anyway.

I was disturbed to see this giant bear-coach with these tiny PeeWee animal football players in the locker room after some recent news in the sporting/raping world, that's all.

Pluggers will use any excuse for a good drunk-dial binge.

Fact: My mother used to threaten us with episodes of The Lawrence Welk Show if we were bad. So many bubble hairdos and matching formal '70s outfits with sappy arrangements of easy-listening favorites and old standards, you guys. SO MANY.

Middle-aged Plugger-chicken-ladies' lives are so empty, they've turned into writing utensil kleptomaniacs.

Why is Anti-Halloween Christian Fundamentalist Grandpa Plugger trying to terrify the small child with his reenactment of the crucifixion? That's almost as bad as giving out toothbrushes or this poor excuse for candy.

I'm sure those outdated reference books will come in handy after the Soviets cause a nuclear holocaust and you are forced to live in your underground bunker/bomb shelter/compound and you need to teach your inbred grandchildren about what life was like on the Surface.


  1. I'm not sure you are one to judge about drunk-dial binges. Not that I don't appreciate them.

  2. But I make no pretense about my drunk dials, which is why my messages usually start with, "It's Laaauuuren. I'm drunk dialing you!"