Thursday, October 02, 2008

Semi-Possibly Partial-Live-Blogging

VP debate! Hotness! Joe Biden: sometimes takes a long time to get to the point. To say the least. Focus on the middle class. Sarah Palin: looks real nervous. Mentioned a kid's soccer game. Were you aware she has a uterus? Gwen Ifil- wearing a Golden Girls-esque aquamarine jacket Joe Biden mentioned violence against women and genocide- 25 points for liberals! Sarah Palin winked. Has she recently re-highlighted her hair? MAVERICK!! Joe Six-Pack. AKA My boyfriend. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY! Joe Biden met a guy named Joey at a gas station who can't afford to fill his gas tank. Joey? Joe Six-Pack? Coincidence? I think not. Totally the same guy. Joe Biden is, like, totally obsessed with the middle class. I think he totally has a crush on the middle class. Small business owners! Sarah Palin has a big sparkly flag pin. Also, she's totes middle class too! She just did a Tina Fey smile while Biden was talking. He keeps saying confusing numbers. Taking a drink to "the ultimate bridge to nowhere." "You know what I had to do in Alaska? I had to take on the oil companies." Also, she had to put lipstick on livestock. She just called energy her area of expertise. Joe Biden is totally laughing at her on the inside. We are holding back Alaska from producing energy for us. Because she lives in an Arctic state, so she knows that cyclical temperature changes are totally regular. But we should be energy independent because other countries don't care as much about the environment as we do. Which is a lot. The chant is "Drill, baby, drill!" People in America love their oil. Sarah is SO tolerant of adults sodomizing each other. "Some of my best friends don't hate gay people." She's totally "straight-up" about this. She's also totally clear about her feelings on civil rights for committed gay couples. She is so fucking thankful for that "Great American Hero" General Patreus. God, Barack Obama hates the troops. "We have got to win in Iraq." Didn't we already win? "Ummmm... your plan is a white flag of surrender." Those foreign leaders "are knowing" something. Biden is giving her a patronizing smile. He just gave Gwen a look. John McCain is a douchebag. Joe Biden pretty much just said that. I just missed a lot of foreign policy talk. She just mentioned "naivete" in reference to Obama and said "nuke-you-ler." She hearts Kissinger! OMFG she mentioned women's rights. I hate her. Biden just told us that John McCain hates Spain. Sarah Palin said SECOND HOLOCAUST I HATE HER OH MY GOD I WANT TO DIE. Dear Joe Biden, Why do you make so much sense? Love, Everyone "I am so encouraged that we both love Israel." Sarah Palin found Joe Biden when she clicked on "Israel" under her "Interests" section. MAVERICK. CHANGE. I hate her. "Backwards finger-pointing" to the Bush administration. McCain will be totes different. Reckless comments totally hurt our cause. Like when people say, "Binge drinking is bad." That totally hurts my cause to normalize getting drunk every night. Did Sarah Palin use a Topsy Tail tonight? Is this English syntax: "they have not said anything different but that"? Sarah Palin thinks so. Joe Biden is emphatically gesturing about helicopters and genocide. "It's so obvious I'm a Washington outsider... Americans crave that straight talk. Blah blah blah random patriot phrases. Also, Darfur. Alaska has oil." My friend Mike just told me I was the Maverick Mormon. I hate/love that nickname. Joe Biden said "9/11." DRINK. "Heaven forbid" one of the Presidents die. "What do you expect; a team of Mavericks?" They totally disagree about some things. McCain doesn't want Palin to check her opinions. Because she has lots of them. Really informed ones. She said WASILLA. Drink. My pal Martin sent me a link to Palin Bingo pre-debate. OMG funny. I think Home Depot is sponsoring Joe Biden. Sarah Palin tried to appeal to the working class, Biden is appealing to middle class. "Say it ain't so Joe. There you go again, pointing backwards." He smiles. He is having a great time. Palin is giving shout-outs to her family, which apparently is just lousy with teachers. SPECIAL NEEDS. Take a drink. Biden said, "Change." Sarah Palin agrees with Dick Cheney that the vice-president is part of every branch of government it feels like. Like, Junior Chief Justice. God, she has so much executive experience. I think Sarah Palin has Turrets with the phrase "energy independence." Family, kids, military, college, special needs, health insurance--worldview." Did she just re-claim "exceptionalism" as a positive word? Reform blahblahblah. Biden pointed out that McCain voted against VAWA. Joe Biden is a single parent. He got choked up talking about his kids and how parents need help. Awwww. Palin's glued-on grin and claims of "maverick" for McCain doesn't compare. She just claimed that she and Lieberman, Romney, Giuliani, etc. are from "diverse" backgrounds. Joe Biden is kind of an amazing badass who isn't afraid to casually drop the "Roe v. Wade bomb," etc. "Up there in Alaska." Take a drink. Creating jobs, cutting taxes, blahblahblah. It's so good to meet you finally, Joe Biden. "I like to be able to answer these tough questions without the filter of even the Mainstream Media." I'm sure you do, Sarah Palin. Quoted Ronald Reagan. Also, John McCain was in the military. Mmhm. Totally awesome meeting you, Governor. Maybe it's the 3 Sparks in me, but I'm totally crushing on Joe Biden right now. Sarah Palin is totally giggling in relief right now.

1 comment:

  1. i am so fucking sad that you moved to bowling green, ohio before i could have the distinct pleasure of playing debate drinking games with you. LIFE, YOU CRUEL PRANKSTER. anyhoosers, your liveblog was spot on. she totes just redid her highlights - they looked good! despite being the antichrist, palin is one good looking alaskan governor. um, i need to make a roadtrip to ohio - when would be good for you?