Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Sparks: alcohol + caffeine = magic

This is an actual microscopic photo of what happens to Sparks molecules in your stomach. Doesn't it feel delicious?

I love Sparks. Get over it. I'm like a trashy alcoholic 12 year-old,* and I don't care. You may say, "Lauren, isn't it bad to mix uppers and downers?" And I would reply, "I don't know! Do I look like a drug fiend?" Then you might also say, "But Sparks is gross!" And I would say, "Yes, yes it is. So?" But let me tell you a little story about Sparks, okay? It goes like this: make it the first drink of the night. If you want to start drinking, but you're feeling a little tired, just have a Sparks! Seriously. And if that 6% isn't doin' it for you, just drink it down a bit and pour some vodka in.** You'll never taste it. You know why? Because Sparks tastes like the "citrus" flavor of vitamin C tablets. In liquid form. I know, right? Why would anyone drink it? Better question: why would anyone NOT drink it? It comes in a can that looks like a BATTERY! If that doesn't scream "carcinogens contained within," I don't know what does. But god knows getting cancer from alcohol is way cooler than getting it from my Nalgene bottle (unless my Nalgene is full of Sparks, in which case it's really a tossup). I should also mention that you do get used to the taste after the first couple sips, and it's sure as hell a lot more badass than Boone's Farm, okay?

Sparks is also good for:

1- Drinking in front of oblivious parents/children/people who are less trashy than you who just think you're having an energy drink.

2- Low alcohol content + 16 whole oz. = perfect for drinking games for non-beer drinkers.

3- Bringing in a water bottle to a play/movie/wedding/whatever. If you spill, it just looks like orange soda or gatorade. But it's BOOZE.

4. Buying a drink on the go (AKA gas stations and grocery stores where the liquor laws are more liberal than Minnesota's).

Do not attempt:

1- To drink more than one or two Sparks in a sitting. Gross.

2- Any of the drink recipes listed at the Sparks website (linked above) that suggest mixing it with Mickey's, High Life, and other things that are shitty beer; which are EXACTLY what I'm avoiding by drinking Sparks.

3- Sparks Light. Ew. That's like making diet brownies: why bother? Just become drunkorexic if you're really that worried about it.

4- To convince others that it tastes good. Empirically, this claim will never hold up. Sparks is gross. But I like it anyway. And so should you.

*Dear real-life 12 year-olds,

Please wait a few years to start killing all your brain cells. Now is the time to read a lot, build up your nerd cred, and get good grades so you can go to a fancy liberal arts college with other nerds who like to party and have brain cells to spare. And besides, most 12 year-old alcoholics are not nearly as cute as Drew Barrymore and are much, much sadder.

Someone Who Never Drank Until She Was 21 Because She Was Mormon But Still Managed to Have Lots of Wholesome Fun in the Meantime

**There's also "Sparks Plus" that is 7%. Apparently this is due to the increased positive charge. Or something.

1 comment:

  1. I tried replacing the batteries of my remote control with Sparks, and now it doesn't work!

    Worst oversized batteries ever...