Sunday, May 03, 2009

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth Are Totally Pluggers (Slightly epic middle-of-the-night finals week procrastination post!)

This video's border is red in remembrance of the blood of Christ John Kerry this guy (ew, sorry). Hey, remember those guys? Well, apparently I can't do ENOUGH remembering! By which I mean, I didn't pay that close of attention back in 2004, at least not until we moved into our sweet campus-owned apartment with cable because one of our roommates was a Wheelchair-American who got sweet preferential housing treatment, but then we religiously watched Jon Stewart every night (and Colbert starting the next year when he got his own show). Although I did vote for Kerry Not Bush. Anyway, last fall I did a project for my War and Gender history class where I got all John Kerried-up and read about 509868976 biographies about him and got obsessed and then wrote a paper about how the Swift Vets totally used Kerry and 9/11 and gendered bullshit to remasculinize their images as Vietnam Vets. It was awesome. At one point, after far too many energy drinks and who knows how little sleep, I composed an impromptu tune called "John O'Neill Is an American Hero." Isaac still remembers it fondly, but my taurine-addled brain cells have only managed to retain a few lyrics that may or may have not gone something like this: "John O'Neill. John O'Neill. John O'Neill is an American hero. Also, did I mention that he gave a kidney to his wife? Yeah, John O'Neill. John O'Neill had a really extreme side part back in 1971. Yeah, John O'Neill. John O'Neill has a bizarre, lifelong obsession with taking down John Kerry. It's actually kind of creepy. By creepy I mean heroic." Anyway, the John O'Neill tune is in the queue for songs to be written as soon as this semester is over oh my god how is it not over yet? I am up reading, reading, reading about SBVT and the 2004 election and trying to figure out how to write a 10-12 page paper for my Theories and Methods of American Culture Studies class about this horrible awesome self-published victory lap book that doesn't just read:
Hahahahaha This book is full of quotes from random conservative blog commenters from 2004 and crappy screenshots from the group's own website. hahahahahaha (Chesnut, 2009). Scott Swett's name is like 'sweat' and he refers to himself in the third person throughout the book. hahahaha Did you know that the "nonpartisan" vets saved America from John Kerry in 2004 by utilizing* that Magical Series of Tubez everyone's talking about (SBVT, 2008)! .... Let's not talk about what happened to the conservative netroots in 2006 and beyond, even though this book came out in 2008. Ha. Ha. Ha. It's really good, I swear (Some Guy at, 2009).
I suppose if I write out the John O'Neill lyrics, that'd take up some more space. Anyhow, I'm going to go back to reading the glowing reviews of the book on Amazon after this and pretend it's legitimate research. You can wait, two more books about the 2004 election! It's only, like 3:30. Paper's not even due until slightly more than 36 hours from now. Duh. Anyway, now I will make fun of some Pluggers I recently picked out for the mocking. I just realized that John O'Neill is probably best friends with Gary Brookins, as Gary Brookings is also an American Hero who would give his kidney to his wife and also Tell the Truth about Lying Liberal Liars who don't understand Real Americans who wear flannel just like Jesus Intended:
Hahahahaha. Women's unpaid labor, right? Love it! Also, why can't anyone in this family find anything? Is it their bear(?) penises that prevent them from doing so, or are they all just too high (as per usual)?
This is because they hope someone will feel sorry for them and hook them up with a fresh prescription. "Oh, my HMO cut me off the pain killers because our plan doesn't cover it, and we can't afford a better one what with us being all working-class and salt-of-the-earth and OHMYGOD do you have any VICODIN?!" That's totally why Pluggers are so diehard in their support of privatized medicine; if we got a government plan, there'd only be one drug company in town: the U.S. Government. All the doctors and pharmacists would have access to the same computer records, and they'd have to try harder to game the system in order to fill their astonishingly well-documented and wanton drug addictions. Or, you know, learn how to use the internet. *Recently, I had a delightful professor tell me that this is a "puff word," and that I should just use "use" over and over again. Or a synonym of "use." You mean, like, "utilize"? This same professor wrote on the same paper--after having written "syntax" next to a number of sentences--"SYNTAX = SENTENCE STRUCTURE." REALLY? It DOES? If only I could go back and retake that semester of English Syntax I had while earning my bachelor's degree in linguistics. That would've really cleared a few things up. WHAT.EVER.

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