Thursday, October 11, 2012

Semi-Live Blogging the Vice Presidential Debate

Who will bore us most? Douchey Gymbro Kirk Cameron-lookalike Paul Ryan?

Or sparkly-toothed serial groper Joe Biden?

I've already started on my inappropriately large wine glass full of champagne. Let's do this thing!

Woot! Lady moderator! Martha just gave them shit about their "little waves" to their families.

Whoa, diving right in to the Benghazi incident! Uncle Joe is doing a lot of pointing and shit-talking about R-Money. Paul Ryan is right that the administration wasn't on-message post-Libya. God, I want to punch Ryan in his big blue eyes. He has SO MUCH gratitude to our troops, even Biden's son.

I wish I could come up with a drinking rule that involves Joe Biden's wry smiles/laughs and head-shaking, but unfortunately I do not feel like dying of alcohol poisoning tonight. Biden called Ryan's statements "a bunch of malarkey"! Take a drink for grandpa-speak! Ryan is going to town on that water. Biden's on defense on Libya.

Ryan draws the line of decency at urinating on Iraqi corpses, but if we're "standing up for our values," anything's cool, I guess?

Either both of these dudes are chiller than Mitt last week, or something about the combination of sitting down to debate and the lady moderator (Can't be seen bullying her! Only government-subsidized-TV-personality old dudes!) is keeping them from talking over each other much so far. Iran blahblahblah. Obama is basically Iran's boyfriend and he likes to sends Ahmadinejad uranium-enriched valentines. Biden just ended a statement with "Period. Period." ..   ..

Ryan claims Iran's centrifuges are spinning faster now. Clearly the Obama administration sent them secret upgrades (through not having strict enough sanctions or something). Uncle Joe is telling us to chill the fuck out about Iran. "Facts matter." Not to the Romney/Ryan campaign! All the cool kids in the Mideast "neighborhood" are going to want nuclear weapons as soon as Iran gets them. It'll be like **insert whatever it is the kids are into these days**!

Oh goody! Unemployment rates now! 47% BAM! Romney tax burn. BOOM! Troops! BIDEN HAT TRICK. Ryan is like, "Scranton has higher unemployment now than in 2008 and you did it to your grandmother with your own two, finely weathered, tan hands, Joe Biden." I love when Joe laughs every time he disagrees with something Ryan says (he laughs a lot). Mitt Romney loves cars and gave some shit to some unfortunate people once (who happened to be Mormon). Oooh, gaffe burn! (One point, Ryan.)

Hahaha, the recession didn't fall out of the sky. Unless by sky, Mr. Biden, you mean "Bush administration policies." What the hell is green pork, Ryan? Is it like green ham? Ryan asked for money for his constituents, though! I like how Biden calls Ryan his "friend."

Medicare and Social Security are supposedly "going bankrupt." DO NOT BELIEVE. It's totally cool to reform entitlement programs for people 54 and below. PLZ VOTE REPUBLICAN, OLD PEOPLE, YOU CAN HAZ SS CHECKS STILL. According to the (2005) book by Al Franken The Truth: With Jokes, this narrative about these programs "going bankrupt" is they are misleading and largely bullshit. Joe references Palin! Joe is like, "Who signs those checks, bitchez?" Too bad Mitt Romney will cancel all future checks for your children and grandchildren (who are all unemployed right now, anyway). I heart when Biden talks to the audience at home. Ryan says Obama's administration loves stealing cookies. Biden tries to interrupt this cookie-themed calumny. Joe Biden is going to have a heart attack because of all of Ryan's lies. Vouchers hurt old people. (Period. Period.)

Dear Paul Ryan,
Please do not destroy Medicare and Social Security for me and my underemployed peers. Shopping for private health insurance is soul-sucking as well as a terrible deal.

Ryan claims Biden's trying to scare old people. Good thing Republicans never try to scare voters!

TAXES. Yuck. Millionaires can be patriotic, Joe? Don't believe it. Joe B. is inciting some class war right now. Remember when I made this picture?

Paul Ryan's snorkeling around somewhere in there.
Ryan claims that taxing millionaires = burning down small businesses. I was about to try to make some sort of small business/Kristalnacht joke, but that would be in poor taste. (Because everything else on this blog is in good taste.) Paul Ryan wants to close loopholes to raise the amount of taxed money on the rich to lower tax rates overall, I guess? Martha gives him shit about specifics and whether or not his math adds up. No time right now. Ryan claims the Obama admin won't work with Republicans. Yep, it's Obama's lack of good faith. Sure, that sounds right.

There's some heated debate over taxes right now. Martha wants your math on defense now, Ryan. Ryan is worried about pre-WWI levels of naval power are scary. Remember the Lusitania, Obama!

Let's talk about our sad wars. I'm going to go refill my champagne now. Paul Ryan's BFF is in Afghanistan. That sucks. Seriously, that sucks. You know who fears a draw down? Afghan women. Now we're talking about The Surge. I don't miss that. God this discussion is stupid. Ryan shows off how many Afghan groups and regions he can name. Joe is like, "The Joint Chiefs love when Afghans fight their own wars." Awkward.

Syria! Oh, Joe is too scared for another war. WIMP. Ryan doesn't want a war there either, but PUTIN RUSSIA UN VETO POWER. Obama's a LOSER for waiting for Kofi Annan--WHAT? WHO DARES INSULT SAINT KOFI OF MACALESTER?

Two Catholic VP candidates! Stupid religion/abortion question. UGHHHHH. Do not want. Because Ryan loves his babies, we should put serious restrictions on ladybusiness. FUCK YOU, on "religious liberty" Ryan. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you. Ryan can talk about abortion and contraception and religion and BARELY mention women. Joe is into Catholic "social doctrine." Joe claims he is personally pro-life, but does not believe it should be a legal/policy issue. HOWEVER, Catholics can fuck anybody they want over concerning contraception!

Campaign ads give American Heroes AKA the Troops the sads. They make me sick, too, but that is how our terrible, fucked up system works. That's also how politics work. Ryan keeps harping on "not having a good record to run on." I don't care about your face. It's a good thing none of Obama's failures are related to the stonewalling of Congressional Republicans!

Okay, it's finally over. Uncle Joe was Uncle Joe. I love him.

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