Thursday, October 09, 2008

FDR: You think you know, and you probably do know some of it

FDR enjoyed both smoking and being seated in public. So, Franklin Delano Roosevelt was the President of America for, like, thirty or forty years. It is possible you don't know everything about him, though. This is why I have consulted the internet for you. HEIR TO A DRUG FORTUNE Were you aware that he was a Frenchy-Dutchy-American? You did not? Well, that is probably because his ancestors had been in the U.S. for a long time and had given up the native pronunciations of their last names because Americans have always been lazy and xenophobic. He should have really been Franklin de Lannoy van Rosenvelt. Seriously, go ask Wikipedia. Also, his cousins Ellen and Grace Roosevelt were pretty much the Venus and Serena Williams of the 1890s. He was the 42nd grandnephew of John McCain's boyfriend TR and married his half-sister (or something) Eleanor. I for one don't know why she didn't start going by Eleanor Roosevelt Roosevelt. I mean, people still took Boutros Boutros-Ghali seriously, right? FDR is also apparently Sarah Palin's ninth cousin. This means that if he were still alive, they would be required to have a threesome with at least one other relative and/or shoot some elephants from a wheelchair-accessible airplane.* Also, FDR's maternal grandfather made his money selling opium-based "medicines" to the U.S. War Department during the Civil War. FDR's maternal grandfather was kind of a badass. LAW SCHOOL DROPOUT Little Frankie was an only child who grew up playing rich white guy sports like polo. He learned French and German traveling in Europe with his mother. He went to boarding school, then Harvard, then Columbia Law School. He dropped out but passed the New York Bar Exam anyway. Another successful law school dropout: KIND OF SLEAZY, LARGELY(?) PARALYZED FDR had an affair with a woman named Lucy who worked for his wife. He started having an affair with her before he and Eleanor (who was an awesome badass how was probably too good for him and/or possibly gay, as we all know) even stopped procreating. Did you know Franklin and Eleanor had, like, twelve kids? Well, actually, six. But the first FDR, Jr. died as a baby, so they named a later son FDR, Jr. Like, as a replacement. Is this or is this not kinda creepy? Discuss. Lucy was with him when he died, their rekindled affair facilitated by his daughter. Which kind of creeps me out. Also. And by now he was all paralyze-y. Or paralyzed, as you might say if you were to use actual English morphology. So I kind of wonder if they could get it on. Only kind of. If you have any information on this topic (I refuse to google that shit), let me know.
Me with an inexplicably Blues Brothers-esque FDR statue a couple of years ago.
AWESOME PRESIDENT, BLAHBLAHBLAH DEAD So, FDR is credited with the creation of the modern American welfare state, what with that New Deal thingamajig. He totally tried to pack the Supreme Court, but he was President so long, he actually ended up having appointed eight of the nine justices by the time he died. Also, he sent Japanese people to internment camps. Michelle Malkin would totally want to have 6-12 of his babies if he hadn't been a dirty liberal Democrat. He was a chainsmoker. After twelve years of his chainsmoking in the White House, I kind of wonder how they got the smell out of the curtains. Too bad Chester A. Arthur was no longer around to advise Truman about new decor. But anyway, any man who can evade public discovery of massive health problems/paraplegia, bail us out of the Depression, help win WWII, go through three vice presidents, and carry on an extramarital affair has got it going on. Also, modern scientists think that instead of polio, FDR actually had some Frenchy nervous system disorder or something. It was nice of him to start the March of Dimes anyway, though. *Too soon? Or just trying too hard?

1 comment:

  1. Do you think creepiness is proportionate in some way to someone's success as a president?