Energy Drink Review: Gazzu

I've got a new temp job starting next week, and near the new place's location there is a very large convenience store that stocks "Gazzu" energy drinks. I thought the cans looked kind of familiar and assumed I'd reviewed them before, but bought a couple just in case. Turns out I haven't! I've got two flavors in my fridge, but I'll start with the original flave.

FLAVOR: It tastes like... I don't know? Just a vague energy/citrus flavor. It tastes like a generic energy drink, but it's not super-strong. It's FINE.

EFFECTIVENESS: This is especially important. My head is all fuzzy after getting a bunch of sleep, apparently. I'm having a small PARTY here tomorrow night and have not dusted or vacuumed in many a week (month?). So maybe I can get some cleaning done so I don't embarrass myself in front of my improv bros by having a gross house. Halfway through the can, I'm feeling more alert and considering getting off this couch to do stuff.

OVERALL: Not bad! It was effective and had an adequately okay taste! I cleaned my house and everything! I did try the mango Gazzu later, and it was not a tasty fake mango. So be careful with your cheap energy drinks, kids.

PLUG IT UP!

The terrible one-panel comic Pluggers is the greatest proof that there is no god. Here are some recent examples why.

DRUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGZZZ.

Is this racist? Sexist? Ageist? I'm not sure, but it seems offensive. Driving a stick shift is not hard, so I don't know why car thieves AS A CLASS wouldn't be able to. I think the real reason he leaves his keys in the car is that no one would ever fucking want to steal that piece of shit pickup that is at least 60 years old and running on fumes and the blood of small children.

Pluggers last had sex during the Carter era, if drunkenly groping each other until they fall asleep counts as "sex" or "getting lucky."

 Pluggers don't understand the passage of time or how quickly pop culture moves.

Pluggers run sketchy, illegal, off-the-books businesses, which makes perfect sense considering their massive drug problems.

 

Pluggers are stubborn cheapskates who are also bad at repairing small kitchen appliances. TRUE STORY: I bought a used toaster for my ex-boyfriend for Christmas approximately 11 years ago for probably $5 at the Goodwill (he was less than enthused about this gift because he didn't want to "collect things" in his dorm room in some pretentious Marxist kind of way) that I ended up taking and still have to this day and it works fine, but I would buy a new one now if it ever died. End of story.

Pluggers: still, like, what?

Energy Drink Review: Kirkland Signature Energy Shot

Only the finest.

I'm not that into the energy shots, you guys. I've tried a few and they always make me feel kind of funny, and not like in a good way. One of the reasons I like the 16-ounce "two serving" energy drinks is because of how I can take my time with the caffeine consumption and drink faster or slower depending on what I need or how I'm feeling. A shot is, you know, the opposite of that. BUT a friend of mine generously donated a couple of Costco-generic brand energy shots to my humble caffeine research blog and my stomach is kind of annoyed with me right now, so I figure if I need caffeine, less content and carbonated chemicals is probably the way to go.

The 2-ounce shot contains 180 mg of caffeine, which sounds pretty good to me. The tiny bottle also states that it is "For individuals with normal caffeine tolerance." HAHA. I had three Diet Cokes and a Monster yesterday over the course of a 9.5 hour work day and still immediately went to sleep for three hours when I got home. I would not call my tolerance "normal." BUT WE WILL SEE HOW THIS MAKES ME FEEL.

FLAVOR: It does not taste that good. It's reddish and tastes vaguely fruity/candy-ish, but not in a very good way. If the mouth of the bottle were wide enough to actually take one-gulp shot, it would be helpful.

EFFECTIVENESS: I took it in a succession of gulps over about two minutes. AND SO IT BEGINS... About ten minutes later, I've got some extra leg shaking happening. Kirkland claims their drinks won't make you jittery or crash, but if I'm not jittery, it's useless to me. I'm feeling a little more alert. My fingers want me to type super-fast, but my thoughts haven't caught up yet. I've gotten headache-y and dehydrated from energy shots before, so I'm hoping with my constant water consumption at the desk, I'll be able to avoid this nasty side effect. About ten more minutes, and my head feels a bit swimmy, but not sleepy anymore. No longer fidgeting as much.

It's been about 40 minutes since I drank that shit, and thought I'm not sleepy, my head feels a little bit achy and I don't love it. I'm drinking a lot of water, but my head is still kind of hot. Why do people drink these? I don't understand. I felt energized for like 15 minutes and then just kind of weird but I guess also awake?

OVERALL: Not really recommended but do what you want, you're a grown-up.

Energy Drink Review: Victory Energize

I'm pretty sure the cashier at the gas station in the Wisconsin Dells yesterday charged me for four Monsters (@ 2/$4) instead of for two Monsters and two of these $.99 VICTORY drinks. While I could have sworn I've tried some of them before, I find I haven't blogged about them. So here's a review of Victory Energize (the green kind). Like many fine things, Victory drinks are from Montana.

Imagine this on a can. Good job.

FLAVOR: Ehhh. Kind of cough syrup-y to be honest. It's supposed to be lemon-lime, I believe. Although I suppose this is what I get for a 99-cent drink (that I actually paid $2 for but was too lazy to correct the cashier about). It is not the worst thing I have ever tasted, but I do not like it either.

EFFECTIVENESS: I was up until, like, 6:00 a.m. editing videos this morning. This was not just because I have a deadline,* but because I drank the two aforementioned Monsters yesterday while driving home from a whirlwind trip to Rockford, Illinois for the Perpetual Roommate's 30th birthday/drinking game party. There I failed to participate longer than ten minutes in a power hour (beer is the grossest, you guys), but I did play beer pong for the first time ever and won. I also believe I charmed a number of very cool lesbian ladies with my tipsy yet clever college sports game commentary. (Pro tip: just yell "Football!" a lot.) Anyway, I'm not really as tired as I probably should be for only sleeping like five hours but whatever my job is boring and sedentary and also now I am drinking this and it is helping a bit. That just may be a VICTORY!

OMG you guys the website:

TIME TO OPEN UP A CAN OF VICTORY ON SOMEONE'S ASS! Victory has all the caffeine jolt and flavor of the energy drink you drink now, but for only 99¢.You save a buck fifty on every can you drain, leaving you cash to put gas in the dirt bike, buy paint balls or build a crazy ass skate rail on the back of your pick up. Then video what happens next.

YOU GUYS IT IS REALLY TOO BAD I AM AT WORK, BECAUSE I WOULD VIDEO MYSELF SO HARD RIGHT NOW. Like, typing this and then putting captions on pix in MSPaint and answering the phone and trying to do the NYT crossword puzzle from Saturday. It would be a "crazy ass" time! And I could save money for paint balls or a "HOT OUTFIT FOR [MY] GIRLFRIEND." For reelz:

The website says it's basically only available in the Pacific Northwest, so I don't know what it was doing in Wisconsin except for bringing me joy.

OVERALL: It made me feel pretty energetic, but the flavor is middling at best. You get what you pay for on this one, guys.


*Not for, like, paid work or something. DON'T WORRY, I AM STILL AN ECONOMIC FAILURE.

Energy Drink Review: Super Shock Citrus

Let me tell you what I appreciate about the Super Shock products: they're no-frills. There are no flashy graphics or ad copy or design sense on the cans that are trying to convince you to pick SS* Super Shock over those "brands that you've heard of." And they were 2/$2.50 at the SA today, so pretty much I was required to buy one reg and one citrus flavored one on the cheap. Let's give the citrus version a try!

It's the middle one. But SRSLY, a good deal through June 30.

I'm trying to see if there's a website or something, but the can does not give me many clues. The Super Shock drinks are manufactured by a company called Monarch Custom Beverages from Canton, Georgia. They make private label bevs and their website is not really that informative. No info on Super Shock, but their main bottling plant is in MN, so that makes sense. Apparently the manufacture is "under the authority" of Norther Tier Retail LLC, which I also tracked down. Perhaps it would seem like Northern Tier Energy is just a big energy drink company, but you would be wrong about that assumption! Nope, they do stuff with, like, ENERGY, like refining crude oil here in Minnesota! They also own all of the SuperAmerica convenience stores in MN and WI. (SuperAmerica is used to be the upper-Midwest version of Speedway, BTWs. Freaked me out when I moved to Ohio and the theme song ended slightly differently.) So Super Shock is like the SA store brand energy drink. And you don't make websites for that crap.

FLAVOR: I suppose it is kind of citrus-y. It's pretty heavy on the energy/chemical aftertaste, but I don't mind that. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR, PEOPLE! It does not taste that good, but I since I enjoy ingesting noxious chemical cocktails, I don't care too much. If you're the kind who cares about "flavor," probably not a great choice.

EFFECTIVENESS: I'm about 60% of the way through, and I'm definitely perking up. I'm not going to lie, I also dig doing internet research about which company owns which. I get all jazzed up. Somebody hire me to do research for them, PLZ. But anyway, I drank the whole thing and have a decent caffeine buzz going. So definitely high on the efficacy scale. Here, let me make an energy drink efficacy scale in MSPaint.

It took me a couple of hours and I had to use like, math and grid lines, but here 'tis:

OVERALL: I would highly recommend this cheap-ass SA energy drink. It doesn't exactly taste good, but it got me up to Max Velocity-levels of random MSPaint art inspiration.


*Note to self, do not abbreviate this product that way. We've got Nazis in Minnesota, after all. TOO SOON.

Energy Drink Review: Knockout Energy

Photo of this ridiculous can found here. Mine says "$1.00" on it, so clearly it's gone up in value recently.

Guys, remember when I wrote that master's thesis* about energy drinks and masculinity? It's because of products like this: Knockout Energy. Isaac and I were recently shopping at Cub Foods, where apparently they carry weird random off-brand energy drinks. This one was only $1! ("Plus tax to the Man," as the can says--apparently this energy drink is not just violent but also your douchey libertarian college roommate.) The can of course features a fist with those brass knuckles things, which may indicate how my gut is going to feel after drinking a 16-ounce can of this.

The website tells me that Knockout's motto is "Respect all, fear none" (but with less punctuation). You can even buy a t-shirt or a cute pink lady tank top featuring a brass be-knuckled fist! This is clearly my next wardrobe acquisition. Anyway, to the drink!

FLAVOR: It's generic citrus-y energy drink. Not a flavor I mind at all.

EFFECTIVENESS: Instead of waiting until my break mid-afternoon, I decided to open the drink shortly after arriving at my Blessed desk. So I was still pretty wakeful from, you know, waking up and riding my bike a couple of miles to work. It definitely is enhancing my energy levels, though, and I'm feeling a little giddy, but I have no one to talk to. I will have to make somebody G-chat with me or something because I am getting antsy. (In a good way, I'd say.) Good energy boost, but not so much that I think I won't be able to sleep tonight or anything. Though who am I kidding, I just realized the Korean drama I'm watching has ten more episodes than I thought it did, so I probably won't be going to bed before 5 or 6 a.m. all weekend anyway.

RECOMMENDED. Cheap but effective. Nothing fancy. Do remember to pay your taxes to the Man, please.

*I will never stop shilling that shit.