Thursday, September 13, 2012

Energy Drink Review: Max Velocity

This appetizing image borrowed from this unhappy consumer.
Because I am awesome and smart, I forgot my flash drive at home today, so my "actual" writing has to be limited. But lucky for you guys I didn't forget to bring a ridiculous energy drink to work with me!  Max Velocity Energy Drink was found at Cub and was cheap. The can features very little information, but I see that this beverage is distributed by Albertsons, which is totally not a store we have in the Midwest, but I grew up with them back in the PNW. This drink looks sketchy as hell. Oh, did I mention the cheetah? There's a cheetah on the can, and some smear marks on the "Max Velocity" letters so we can tell it's going fast. Let's see how fast this shit makes me feel.

FLAVOR: A little citrus-y, basically like any other standard energy drink flavor. I actually kind of like that flavor and have been known to order vodka/Red Bulls at bars sometimes if I'm feeling a little sluggish.*

EFFECTIVENESS: I am about 1/3 of the way in, and my leg is a-shakin' slightly more than normal (I'm a fidgety lady, okay?) and I'm feeling slightly giddy. God, I wish I could go on Facebook and harass my friends right now. I guess I could go look at Twitter, but it's really not the same. Okay, I just went and fucked around on Twitter a bunch because apparently the church hasn't figured out that it's a social networking site and blocked it yet. I am feeling a bit hyper halfway through and each time the phone rings, I am on it SO FAST. Great receptionist or GREATEST receptionist?**

Here, I made a ridiculous picture in MSPaint:
Me on Max Velocity. You're welcome for the new ad campaign, Albertsons.
An hour after finishing the drink, I still feel pretty alert (though no longer giddy), and no crash in sight.

RECOMMENDED. It gave me a good boost, the flavor wasn't bad, and it was cheap.

*Don't heart palpitations make you feel alert?
**This is a trick question because I still have to consult my directories to figure out who the hell to transfer calls to at least half of the time. Probably better than a real cheetah at answering phones, though. Nice try, no-thumbs! Also, watch out, the robots are coming for you, too. I don't know how this footnote turned into me taunting cheetahs. 


  1. A'ight. Intermittent reader, first time poster.

    Laughed my Saturday evening beverage through my nose. Well played.

    Edit: For the record, I fail every effing "prove you're not a robot" test I'm given. Which means that robots also enjoy being blonder and thinner.

  2. I don't know what kind of anti-robot tests you've been forced to take, but as long as you still value blondness and thinness, you're okay in my book.

  3. It's in the "captcha" (e.g. pass the non-robot test if you want to leave a post) mechanism. You've haven't seen them because your blog trusts you ...