Energy Drink Review: Max Velocity

This appetizing image borrowed from this unhappy consumer.

Because I am awesome and smart, I forgot my flash drive at home today, so my "actual" writing has to be limited. But lucky for you guys I didn't forget to bring a ridiculous energy drink to work with me!  Max Velocity Energy Drink was found at Cub and was cheap. The can features very little information, but I see that this beverage is distributed by Albertsons, which is totally not a store we have in the Midwest, but I grew up with them back in the PNW. This drink looks sketchy as hell. Oh, did I mention the cheetah? There's a cheetah on the can, and some smear marks on the "Max Velocity" letters so we can tell it's going fast. Let's see how fast this shit makes me feel.

FLAVOR: A little citrus-y, basically like any other standard energy drink flavor. I actually kind of like that flavor and have been known to order vodka/Red Bulls at bars sometimes if I'm feeling a little sluggish.*

EFFECTIVENESS: I am about 1/3 of the way in, and my leg is a-shakin' slightly more than normal (I'm a fidgety lady, okay?) and I'm feeling slightly giddy. God, I wish I could go on Facebook and harass my friends right now. I guess I could go look at Twitter, but it's really not the same. Okay, I just went and fucked around on Twitter a bunch because apparently the church hasn't figured out that it's a social networking site and blocked it yet. I am feeling a bit hyper halfway through and each time the phone rings, I am on it SO FAST. Great receptionist or GREATEST receptionist?**

Here, I made a ridiculous picture in MSPaint:

Me on Max Velocity. You're welcome for the new ad campaign, Albertsons.

An hour after finishing the drink, I still feel pretty alert (though no longer giddy), and no crash in sight.

RECOMMENDED. It gave me a good boost, the flavor wasn't bad, and it was cheap.


*Don't heart palpitations make you feel alert?
**This is a trick question because I still have to consult my directories to figure out who the hell to transfer calls to at least half of the time. Probably better than a real cheetah at answering phones, though. Nice try, no-thumbs! Also, watch out, the robots are coming for you, too. I don't know how this footnote turned into me taunting cheetahs.