Energy Drink Review: Rockstar Horchata Energy

Have you ever been like, "I could use an energy boost, but I'd really like there to be milk involved"? Well, lucky you! Rockstar is now selling a "tradicional [sic] dairy beverage with natural cinnamon flavors." HORCHATA ENERGY DUH OF COURSE THIS IS HAPPENING. I think horchata is yummy generally, but I am skeptical as fuck about this going well. The can says to shake well. I Taylor Swifted the shit out of that thing. Now, to try it:

SPOILER ALERT.

FLAVOR: Whoa. That is happening. Oh, god. At first you're like, "Mmm, it's like Cinnamon Toast Crunch milk," but then it's like, "Oh dear god, what is this awful over-cinnamon-y/metallic aftertaste?" I am not sure how much of this I can handle. Does Rockstar make a chaser for this drink? Oh no, the more I have, the less I hate it. It's still not good, but maybe you build up, like a milky chemical layer on your tongue and throat so you can't taste it as much after awhile. I'm almost done with it and it is less jarringly awful than the first few glugs, but my stomach feels a little bit weird right now, I won't lie. Also, still not good.

EFFECTIVENESS: It is hard to say since I am choking it down in large gulps, attempting to bypass most of my tongue. That seems to help with the metallic aftertaste. My legs were already shaking because of how I that is my jam, even when I'm exhausted, but perhaps a bit faster now. Well, I just photoshopped a data entry joke based on a shitty Craigslist ad onto a picture of Lars Ulrich and he's probably going to sue me, so at least the caffeine part of this drink isn't complete shit.

Oh dear lord, I finally finished. Lots of weird cinnamon/metallic on the last drink. If you like horchata or energy drinks, you should stay away. If you believe that humanity can do better, definitely do not try this drink.

OVERALL: NOT FUCKING RECOMMENDED.