Energy Drink Review: Mountain Dew Kickstart

"5% Juice and [95%?] Caffeine," the can says. The flavor is Energizing Orange Citrus, supposedly with "just the right amount of kick." I'll be the judge of that, PepsiCo. Ridiculous Mountain Dew Kickstart* breakfast energy beverage review to follow.

WARNING: I will turn into a tattooed skatebro once I crack this can.

FLAVOR: It tastes like orange soda, basically. But with an edge of something else. Probs the chemicals and/or an attempt to make us believe that 5% of this beverage is "juice." Lots of things can be called juice, yo. Like, stuff that comes out of meat when you cook it. Or the imaginary "boy germs" I pretend Isaac has sometimes because apparently our couple's humor is about as mature as our relationship is old (~4.49 years). But mostly it tastes a lot like orange soda.

EFFECTIVENESS: It seems to be perking me up. It's got 92mg of caffeine in it, which sounds like an adequate amount, but I'm really too lazy to Google shit and compare it to other stuff. At least this 16-oz. can recognizes that it is actually only one serving size (many energy drinks claim two serving sizes per can, like you're going to open it and just let it sit around until later when it is flat and gross). I'm nearly done, and no crazy kick, but probably an appropriate amount for the actual morning, though I think it would be kind of gross first thing in the morning. Good thing I get up at noon on workdays.

OVERALL: Meh. Though nothing could ever top the grossness of this, so way to not be super-terrible today, Mountain Dew.


*The promotional website is annoying and stupid and has too much flash and special map and grid features. JUST GIVE ME A PICTURE AND A BLOCK OF INFORMATIONAL TEXT, PLZ. I guess this is why I'm not an action sports athlete or a fan of mornings, or something.