Monday, December 12, 2011

The Sexy Gay Jesus Says What Dear Abby Won't

My queer little followers,

I, the Sexy Gay Jesus, have once again been reading Dear Abby. While the Abbster's advice is largely inoffensive, there are things she will not say that the poor letter-writers really need to hear. I will now share some of my favorite recent submissions and answer them myself, but with more swearing and maybe a little bit of casual blasphemy:

Question 1-
DEAR ABBY: When my sister's husband comes to our house for a family dinner or other event, he immediately asks where he can take a nap. He then goes upstairs and sleeps for a couple of hours. This has been going on for more than five years and is not related to any medical condition. Should I mention this to my sister? I think he is being rude. -- "SLEEPY'S" B.-I.-L.

Dear In-Law of the Seven Dwarves,
Just be grateful you're not forced into awkward small talk with this guy. Maybe he has a social anxiety disorder, maybe he's just rude. By all means, have a couple of glasses of wine and ask your sister WTF already, but I'm just saying that there's a chance he's boring or homophobic or is a closetalker or something, and at least you're being spared having to spend time with him!

Question 2-
DEAR ABBY: I am a caring, loving husband. I enjoy my time with my wife. I think about our future a lot and want our marriage to last for as long as possible.

I make exercise a priority in my life, but I can't get her to understand that she should, too. I love her for who she is, but I want her to be in great health.

I am a very straightforward person and have told her in ways she didn't respond well to. She becomes defensive. How do you tell a woman she should exercise without offending her? -- FIT IN AKRON, OHIO
Dear "Fit":
You are Chris Traeger. Chill out:

P.S. If you think a woman who lives in America doesn't already know she "should" exercise, than you are an oblivious douchebag.

Question 3-
DEAR ABBY: When I married my husband 30 years ago, I was the only girl he could get. He was a great catch by my standards -- and still is. But back then nobody else wanted him but me, which was fine with me. I don't like competition.

We have had a great life together up until the last 10 years or so. Mason is aging gracefully, and there's something about him now that every woman is suddenly interested in. They all treat him like he's a new toy. They fawn over him and I become invisible.

We don't get out much, and I used to think I wanted to go out more -- but now I just want to stay home and hide my husband inside. The real problem is, Mason loves the attention. It could be what he always wanted. I don't know how to handle this without getting my feelings hurt, pouting and being incredibly jealous. He gives me no reason to think he'll be unfaithful, but I can't help but worry. Help! -- WIFE OF A LATE BLOOMER

What is your problem? You only liked your husband because you thought he was too much of a loser to leave you? And now that he is doing well and people are responding to his confidence, you are jealous? Can't you just be smug that your husband is so awesome? SRSLY, just because you have low self-esteem doesn't mean he has to, too. Get some therapy, lady. Also, you mind shooting me your husband's cell number? I can't resist a Silver Fox, and I like it when people stare!

Question 4-
DEAR ABBY: I have recently found out that I'm pregnant. My problem is my husband doesn't believe the baby is his. He says he and his ex tried for 13 years to have a baby and couldn't.

I don't know what to say to him. I can't explain his past with that other woman. My doctor has ordered rest and no stress, but this is taking a toll on me. When the subject comes up, I just walk away and my husband explodes. What do I do? -- EXPECTING IN GUAM

Dear Expecting,
Your husband is an asshole. He does not understand how reproduction works. You can't just avoid the topic since, you know, that baby is going to show up eventually, and it's going to be awkward if you're still married to Mr. Denial. If he refuses to speak to a doctor/believe you/take paternal responsibility while you're still pregnant, you should probably not EXPECT much from him as your child grows up (ha! Get it?). But SRSLY, keep the kid if that's what you want, but get rid of your husband unless he cleans up his act real fast.

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