Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Sexiest Men Alive According to Lauren This Year*

What I think our society is really lacking is discussion of people's physical attractiveness. Several weeks ago now, I impulsively purchased this year's Sexiest Man Alive issue of People and was annoyed to see Bradley Cooper staring at me. Don't get me wrong, I thought he was cute when he was Sydney's sidekick/roommate/almost boyfriend sometimes? on Alias, but I have too high of standards to fawn over the star of the Hangover franchise now. Anyway, though a few of the men featured herein were included in the magazine, they have clearly not consulted me. This post is aggressively heterosexual and probably more personally revealing than necessary. ENJOY! I will now present you with my own list of sexy, sexy men for the looking at:

Let's just get this one out of the way. He is a sexy man who makes anti-patriarchy statements and is a devastatingly good actor (see: Half Nelson, Blue Valentine). I've never seen The Notebook for obvious reasons, but I am quite the RGos fan.
I particularly like him sketchy: chain-smoking with scruffy facial hair.
I guess he cleans up all right, too. No wonder there are so many tumblrs devoted to him.
Looks good in suit; can grow nice beard.
He's also in this, which just endears him that much more to me.

Mr. Danny is the first on this list that one might consider a prime example of my "type." Tall, skinny, big-nosed, best known for playing a really awkward character. But so what? Everybody's got a type. And when he breaks out of Abed-face and actually smiles, OMG. Apparently he and his wife are expecting twins soon, which is also fucking adorable of course.
Oh yeah, I run marathons in my spare time. Do you like my rolled-up shirtsleeves?
Oh, I also look pretty fucking amazing in a suit.
Oh, this skinny tie? Yeah, I know I'm rocking it.
I also enjoy his impressions of his Polish relatives:

There is a good chance you do not know who this fellow is, but I cannot fathom why not since clearly there is a large demographic overlap between readers of this blog and extreme fishing enthusiasts. I am more interested in his acting pursuits. I first fell for the generously-nosed but pocket-sized British actor in this wonderfully cheesy Masterpiece Contemporary movie. But then I discovered Wire in the Blood. If you have not watched this yet, can I ask you, why are you not watching this yet? It is dark and suspenseful and he's all brilliant and emotionally unavailable. So good.
I'm analyzing you like I would a serial killer right now.
I hope I don't get kidnapped and tortured by the killer we're trying to catch again.
Did somebody say "shirtsleeves"?

The love the Sexy Gay Jesus and I have for this fellow is well-documented. Yes, his hair is kind of ridiculous (Though not Robert Pattinson ridiculous) and he kind of looks like he's twelve without a bit of stubble. But adorable? And he is so pocket-sized and also real-life best friends with also-quite-handsome man Paul Rudd who I will always have a crush on as Josh in Clueless.
So what if the top of my hair gets really tall and wide? It's fucking adorable somehow.
Oh, did you just ask me about my stubble?
Some people are like, "Adrien Brody is not handsome" or "His nose is crazy" or or "He looks like a Holocaust victim." And I am like, "Duh, what do you think I like about him?" Like, I cannot even handle his hotness. Like when he was all vulnerable and lonely in The Brothers Bloom or when he put on a fake British accent and worked as a self-loathing gay punk stripper in Summer of Sam or when he is just so hot all the time?
The page I took this from called this look "bedraggled." Well, call me a bedraggliphile, because HOT.
Oh, who's weird looking now? Yes, I have resorted to posting shirtless dudes on my blog. Though I wish he'd left the chest hair alone. Adult men with smooth chests kind of weird me out.
Oh, are my sad eyes sad enough? How about now?
Sexy suspenders, obvs.
You may need a minute to recover from the Adrien Brody hotness, but what comes next is worth waiting for. He is British. He is dreamy. He plays a troubled London detective with a heart of gold on Luther, which if you are not yet watching you are basically dead to me. SRSLY:

I like to think he just saw me scrolling by and was like, "Whoa."
As Luther. God I wish I were an endangered teenage prostitute so he could rescue me and then let me move into his apartment.
You get it now, right? BTWs, his hotness decreases without facial hair.
Were you like, Lauren why are there so few British police drama TV actors on this list? Because here's another one! Laurence Fox is so gangly and he does that mumbly thing Hugh Grant used to be famous for and he also looks like direct sunlight would cause him to break out in boils. He is hot, is what I am saying. As sergeant to the eponymous Inspector Lewis on the Masterpiece Mystery! series, Laurence Fox brings adorableness, quirky charm, and an amazing deadpan delivery.

Did I mention he looks good in a suit? Of course he and his more-famous wife are deliriously happy and expecting their second child soon.
With Kevin Whately (Inspector Lewis). That popped collar.
Yeah, I know he looks like a spoiled prep school bro like the one he plays in the terrible movie The Hole.** However, Sgt. Hathaway will turn you around on that one.
It is difficult to say if there is a HOTTEST fellow on this list, but if I had to choose one, it might be Liron Levo. He's an Israeli actor full of hot hot hotness, basically. Netflix has pegged me as a sucker for foreign forbidden romance films, and I discovered him in Strangers:

Was that not enough to convince you? Because there's this in there too:
I might have this whole "skinny ripped dude" fetish or whatever.
Oh, can he grow a beard? OF COURSE HE CAN. I think they exile you from Israel if it takes you longer than a week. Liron actually shaved like 45 minutes before this photo was taken. I HATE his hair long, though.
Sorry, did you want more beard? This photo is from, like 15 minutes later.
Yes, smoking IS sexy. When sexy people do it, anyway.

The SGJ wants me to mention that Liron Levo has actually played the Lord Himself in a 2001 documentary series which, if the SGJ hadn't promise to refrain because I would be too jealous, could totally turn into a Jesus-fucking-Christ situation.

UPDATE: Not unrelated.

*The Sexy Gay Jesus may have provided some input for this countdown also.
**This awful film also features Keira Knightley in one of her earliest roles and Thora Birch putting on a terrible British accent. Oh, did I mention that it also features full frontal nudity of our friend Mr. Fox? Because that happens too.

1 comment:

  1. I'm noticing a lot of rolled-up shirtsleeves...