|This would have been a way more compelling love story.|
The movie begins. There is sepia footage. We’re all lamenting that nobody brought bagpipes.
Underwater exploration of the wreck. Jumpsuit w/ an earring in the submarine is talking about the ship with a super-gravelly voice. Poignant abandoned glasses on the ocean floor. Creepy doll coming out of the sand. Why is beardy jumpsuit wearing a “Snoop Vision” visor? Earring just called the captain “son of a bitch.” It’s Bill Paxton! With a terrible dye job.
No the jumpsuits are back on board their ship and they brought up a safe or something that is full of orange water. Isaac says I missed a Geraldo joke. Bill Paxton does not care about these not-treasures. Naked drawing being recovered. Now it’s getting shown on the teevee and an old lady is admiring it. The old lady is telling Bill Paxton on the phone that the naked picture is her!
Beardy just said the lady “punched out a couple of kids” since the Titanic incident. Ew. Pretty granddaughter gets the Pax’s eye. Old lady admires her own boobs and flashes back to Leo’s eyes. Pax says she’s his new best friend because she was wearing the diamond necklace when the ship went down.
Beardy is making old lady watch computer animation of the ship sinking/breaking in half. Beardy is making sound effects. God, Pax is so sunburnt. No one cares that old lady has PTSD. The granddaughter’s t-shirt is tucked into kind of high-waisted jeans. Now old lady is telling the story. I think we’re back in time now.
Giant bow on Kate Winslet’s hat! Isaac and Kelsy are so excited about Billy Zane’s eyebrows and “douche accent.” Somebody said the sink can’t ship. TAKE A DRINK.Card playing. Leo’s here now with this foreign roughnecks. Leo won the card game and he and his Italian friend won Titanic tickets. They barely made it! Everybody waves as the ship pulls away from the dock. His friend is as authentic as the Mario brothers.
Jack and Mario are excited about their bunkbeds. Billy Zane and Kate Winslet are staying in a giant cabin. Kathy Bates is sassing it up as Molly Brown. Sweaty lower-class types are shoveling coal. Leo is so excited about looking over the nose of the boat. Isaac claims it’s called a “bow.” Leo is yelling on it. KING OF WORLD. TAKE A DRINK.
Kate Winslet’s hair is so red in this movie. Molly Brown just called Rose a “pistol.” Leo sketches some shit. Leo spots the lady after she stormed out of dinner. She just looked at him. Zane is in the doghouse apparently. Old lady voiceover. Leo stares and the stars and smokes as Rose runs, crying for some reason. Boob shot!
Is she going to jump off the ship. Anne points out the heaving bosoms as Leo in his plaid coat tries to talk her out of suicide. “You don’t know me,” she says, like a guest on Maury Povich. They debate whether the fall, the drowning, or the water temperature would kill you first. God, she’s pissed he brought up ice-fishing. He calls her an “indoor” girl. He keeps taking his clothes off. Cute suspenders. Oh, she’s not going to kill herself now, but she falls, but he is saving her and stuff. I WON’T LET GET GO. TAKE A DRINK.
The crew thinks he was trying to rape her. Zane is pissed. Rose bails him out, though. The richies get back to their brandy. Zane has so much makeup on. He is now giving her that giant blue necklace thing. Isaac: “He totally went to Jarrod.” He is promising to buy her so much crap. This necklace is like a neck IRON for her.
Now Richie Rose is hanging out with Leo on deck.Somehow they got into an argument. Now she admires his art. BOOBS. He’s talking about his favorite one-legged prostitute art subject.
**(hour-long drinking and talking break)**
Leo just told her to straddle a horse. Spitting scene. I didn’t learn to spit from that. I learned from being awesome. Molly Brown and Rose’s mom judge Leo.Molly Brown has an extra tuxedo to loan Leo for some reason. Leo is being all gentlemanly with Rose for their dinner. Whoa, some old creep just complimented Zane on his fiancee’s hotness. Ew.
Leo’s future depends on “God’s good humour.” The rich people judge him. He’s so bohemian. He gets more champagne. HERE’S A HERO. Leo leaves Rose with a secret note. He’s going to take her to a “real party.” Leo dances with a small child at the noisy ethnic party. Creep. Lots of beer drinking and uncouth drunkenness and dancing happening now. Pulls Rose close for dancing. Somebody in the movie brought his bagpipes! Now they are doing some sort of soft-shoe dancing? Spinning!
Rose is showing off her beer-guzzling abilities. She stands on pointe without toe shoes on in a way that is not really possible. Zane is disappointed Rose didn’t come to hook up with him last night. She calls his spying manservant an “undertaker.” Zane is telling her to behave and patriarchy blahblahblah. He is controlling and we’re supposed to hate him.
Rose is getting a lecture from her mom. Mom vengefully tightens Rose’s corset because of whatever they said. Now they are at ship church. Somebody offers Leo money to go away because he is lower class and they want him to not rape their property. Viktor Garber does a shitty Scottish accent. UNSINKABLE. TAKE A DRINK. Now Leo has pulled her aside into a secret room and he wants her to be happy.
Sweeping boat shot. Take a drink. Groaning at the recorder music. KING OF THE WORLD FLYING ON THE FRONT OF THE NOSE OF THE BOW BOAT THING IN THAT CLASSIC SHOT. DRINK. Finger touching. Awkward sideways backwards makeout. Fade into underwater ship.
Now Pax is here with open shirt and necklace and chest hair and we just talked about how chest hair is good. Now we’re back to the past and Rose took her hair down sexily and she wants her picture done AKA BOOB EXPOSURE. He draws her and there is piano “My Heart Will Go On.” Old lady says, “It was the most erotic moment of my life.” Pax thinks that’s wonderful.
Back in time again. The undertaker chases Leo and Rose through the ship for some reason.
OCCUPY TITANIC. BTWs.
The Irish in the coal-shoveling area wonder what they’re doing down there. They find a car and they’re going to do it in it probably. Yep. Doin’ it. Hand on steamy window looks like a death scene. Leo loved orgasming. She doesn’t know that she can, I think.
Some creeps are looking at the handprint. Iceberg is happening. Emergency! There is a discussion in this room about sexy chimney sweeps. When this digital short appears online, I will totes link to it. I think the ship has hit the berg now and stuff.Not enough lifeboats? DRINK!
We just drank to class differences. People are playing with the ice. Zane is pretending he’s been robbed for some reason. Undertaker put something in Leo’s pocket to frame him, I guess. Something just happened and ZANE HIT ROSE! Not okay. Not okay. Everybody has to put their “lifebelts” on now.
Women and children are being evacuated now on boats. Except LOWER CLASSIES. The poors are going to die. Zane just said something douchey about the worth of her drying. He called her a “whore for a gutter rat.” She spits him in the face!
The water is rising and Viktor Garber is trying to give her directions to wherever Leo has been handcuffed. Rose is going to go rescue him. The water in this ship looks awfully chlorinated. And also she’d be cringing from the cold.
My sister just asked (in response to my maniacal giggling): “What’s wrong with you?”
Me: “I’m drunk. And it’s not wrong. It’s so, so right.”
She wants to get him out, but none of the keys are right in the key cabinet? So she went and found an axe and is going back to get home. She chops his cuffs off. Her hair basically grows in the dark. And he is talking about how cold he is.
Zane’s hair is askew. The ethnics are being locked somewhere? I asked what was happening and my companions told me that it was class warfare. Mario Luigi is there. Billy Zane just left some shit in the vault that Pax pulls out of the ocean later. Just because they’re poors doesn’t mean they deserve to die in freezing cold water. Leo threw a bench through the gate and now they’re swarming the decks.
Rose and Leo are looking for a boat. There is panic. Women and children for stupid reasons. Jack and Zane are having a chat now. Zane’s eyebrows are fucked up. Rose is in a boat now somehow even though she said she wouldn’t go. She jumped back on the boat! WTF?
Zane steals the undertaker’s gun and chases the reunited couple. The necklace is in the pocket of the coat Rose is wearing, and now Zane wants it back. There’s a crying abandoned child they go to save. A sailor took the kid away and they both are dead now probs? Rose and Leo run from water. Now they got stuck behind another fence. A waiter guy sort of tries to open it but drops the key and runs and then Jack gets ‘em and they are almost drowning and stuff.
Things are getting desperate for the last lifeboat, I think. A little kid cries. Zane ignores him. The crew member Zane bribed just threw his money at him. Then that crew member shot an Irish dude. Now Zane goes back for the kid to try and get on the boat. ASSHOLE.
Viktor Garber with his GARBled accent is apologizing about the ship for some reason. A guy tries to give the captain a life vest, but he refuses because he’s a man. “Nearer My God to Thee” plays as people get flooded. Old people cuddle in bed to die. Irish family of poors will die. Panic. Water. Death.
The water inside the ship is all light and clear, unlike the ocean. The band keeps playing through the panic. Death, death, screamy scream. The ship tips. A smokestack goes down. Italy gets hit by it. The guy, not the country. The disaster effects of this movie are kind of awesome, actually. Some stupid priest is praying. Ship tip! You can see Kate Winslet’s breath suddenly.
The plates below deck are breaking. All the pretty furniture. Somebody fell and hit the propeller. My viewing companions love that part for some reason. Oh, the boat is breaking. Fire, electricity, fall, water, scream. More falling smokestacks. Leo and Kate hold tight to the prowbownose of the ship again. I WON’T LET GO. I took a drink and now they’re definitely going to die.
SINKING IS HAPPENING SO MUCH, YOU GUYS. The ship is pulling them away from each other underwater. UH-OH. Jack just punched some dude who was pulling her under. She gets up on a bedstead or something that’s floating. He will tip it over if he gets on, though. Cold breath. What are you blowing your whistle at, sir? Asking the boats to come back. Molly Brown wants to help people not die so much. Some of them kind of try.
Leo shivers as the screams quiet. Why doesn’t she try to get him on the bedstead again? Are they stupid? Leo just told her she’d make lots of babies. Ew. God, he thinks winning his tickets was awesome, but NO he is dumb and now he will die and romance is dumb and isn’t worth it. “Never let go.” She says she won’t. But she will. The return rescue boat has to try to get through the frozen but floating bodies. Dead baby!
Kate Winslet is singing now to the Milky Way. Jack is dead, but the boat has come. Now Rose is crying. SHUT UP AND GET THE BOAT TO COME OVER. She’s known this dude for like 29857 seconds. Yell louder to the boats, goddammit. She had to let go of him. Now she gets in the water?! She finds the guy’s whistle to get the rescue boat back.
Now wrinkly face is back in the Pax lab. She says only one of twenty boats came boat to save only SIX out of the water. Bastards. I feel cold just watching this movie. The Carpathia has come to pick them up finally.
Zane goes into the low-class area to look for Rose, I guess. She hides under a plaid blanket. Apparently Zane killed himself in 1929. Rose takes Jack’s last name when she gets back to the U.S. “A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.” DEAR LORD, old lady Rose.
The Pax is gross and is now talking to granddaughter and he’s all emotional now that he’s talked to a survivor. Old lady is now going to throw the gem into the water. Maybe Pax will find it later. Old Rose has so many photos by her bed of herself doing adventurous things.
Did you guys know that boat sank? But it was for rich people. And rich people are the worst. She’s reuniting with Leo in death, I guess? Stupid recorder music.