Great Songs from Your Douchey Ex: "Girl, I Heard You're Getting Married" Edition

Guys, waiting for the bus home last night I was listening to some tunes (popular music) on my pod (that's short for iPod, a kind of tiny record player) and I was feeling some "Wedding Bell Blues," but the only version I have is in a Fifth Dimension MEDLEY with "Worst That Could Happen" (1967). In the past I usually just kind of spaced out until that part of the song was over, but yesterday I was diggin' on "Worst That Could Happen" something hard, even though the song's protagonist is a huge nightmare douche of an ex-boyfriend.



Let's parse some lyrics together, shall we?

Girl, I heard you're getting married
TRANSLATION: Hey girl, we don't talk anymore (for reasons that will soon become clear), but I saw your relationship status change and I'm suddenly interested in you again because of how you're no longer available to me.
This time you're really sure
Not like LAST TIME, AMIRITE? But SRSLY, you should have a lot of doubts about your relationship choices.
And this is the end
They say you really mean it
Because even though we're clearly not together, I kind of always assumed you would come back to me because obviously.
This guy's the one that makes you feel
So safe, so sane and so secure
Sure, those things are okay, I guess.
And baby if he loves you more than me
I mean, I clearly (still) love you a LOT, but like, he probably does too.
Maybe it's the best thing
I will concede this point.
Maybe it's the best thing for you
Point amended.
But it's the worst that could happen to me.
Because I am a terrible, selfish man-child who thinks he still has a claim on you.

I'll never get married, never get married
Never ever.
You know that's not my scene
I'm more into, like, prog-rock and really obscure mumblecore movies where even the actresses have beards.
But a girl like you needs to be married
"Like you"--NOT THAT I'M JUDGING YOU FOR HAVING "MAINSTREAM" VALUES OR ANYTHING.
I've known all along you couldn't live forever in between.
I've had my occasional lucid moment.
And baby if he loves you more than me
Maybe it's the best thing
But only IF.
Maybe it's the best thing for you
But it's the worst that could happen to me.
My rich fantasy life is getting pretty shaken up right now.

And girl I don't really blame you
For having a dream of your own
Like, having desires and needs is fine for you, I guess, but I never really thought about it before.
Hey girl I don't really blame you
A woman like you needs a house and a home.
I am being a sexist douche about you wanting a truly committed partner.
Baby if he really loves you more than me
maybe it's the best thing
Maybe it's the best thing for you
But it's the worst that could happen to me.
I just realized I'm not Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate and I have a lot of feelings about this.

Ahh... Great song, terrible ex. Get married, girl--or don't! Either way, thank all the stars in heaven that you guys finally broke up. Play this song for your friends and laugh with derision. In a few years you will just feel sorry for him. 

On Marriage Equality

Years ago, one of the last times I agreed to go to church with my parents and actually stayed past the main Sacrament Meeting, I ended up in a Relief Society (ladies') meeting praising marriage and traditional gender roles and blahblahblah. The lesson and discussion flirted with the topic of gay marriage, and I told myself that if that’s where the conversation actually ended up going, I would get up and leave. I suppose luckily, it didn't. Later that day, my mom and sister and I were talking about the lesson. My mom asked if I was in favor of gay marriage and I said, “Of course.” I was greatly heartened that my sister, a student at BYU and faithful church member at the time, said that there was really no constitutional basis for denying marriage equality.

A few years after that, a gay woman married me to my husband. I don’t know if she wants to get married, but if she did want to, she couldn’t do it in the state she lives, the state she is legally allowed to marry heterosexual couples in, or the state my husband and I currently live in. This is clearly bullshit. Isaac and I made a commitment to one another, legally bound by the authority of our dear friend, who should with no reservations have the same right (/rite). Here in its entirety, recently dug up from the camera of another friend, is our amazing, perfect, so us wedding ceremony:


It could've been gayer, but at least we played Lady Gaga at both the reception and the drunken afterparty, right? BTWs, this message is approved by both me and the Sexy Gay Jesus because LOVE.


UPDATE: I be-YouTubed the video so everybody could love it and share it.

The Sexy Gay Jesus and Long-Distance Lovin'

Due to popular demand (in that one person emailed me out of the blue), Our Most Fabulous Lord and Savior the Sexy Gay Jesus is back to answer your life questions. Feel free to email me if you feel you need His Divine Guidance.

Dear SGJ,

I'm in a long-distance relationship (well, sort of...it's complicated--being omniscient, you know how it is) and we're having lots of great virtual sex using e-mail and g-chat/video chat. Great as things are right now, I'm always on the look out for tips to keep things HOT! Having been around so long and doing that whole long-distance from heaven thing, I thought you might have some ideas for me.

Sincerely,

Counting on Your Sexiness

P.S. Thanks for dying for our sins and shit. That was really awesome of you!

Just imagine Him more shirtless. Source.

Dear CoYS,

You're welcome for the sacrifice, ain't no thang. And you are right, my child, I never lack for hotness in any of my relationships.* It sounds like you are already adept at the technologically-facilitated types of DOIN' IT, so you don't need my help figuring that out. I am pondering on ways to help you keep things "fresh," though. Let's think about my followers. How have I kept the Jesus™ brand hot for nearly two millennia? Many people may call something like this an abomination, but what I really think it speaks to is my versatility--by which I mean a broad-based appeal based around my deity status, not JUST this kind of versatility. Conservatives love me, hippies love me, even bigots love me! And while I would never personally visit some (many) of these people or get drunk with them or anything, I am both an advocate of free culture and kind of a slut. So what I'm saying is, as long as people want to get down with the J.C. is some form, I don't feel the need to stop them because all that worshiping makes a redeemer feel good, you know?

This is all to say that while I don't think you, CoYS, can or should try to be all things to your long-distance buddy (or to anyone, for that matter), you can mix things up a bit. Perhaps you and your LDR partner could try some role-playing? I feel like virtual sex is particularly well-suited to this activity! I personally like to pretend I am a sexy feathered serpent or a mischievous blue guy who enjoys banging lots of milkmaids or whatever sometimes. But you should not limit yourself to deities! What kinds of things are you and your LDR buddy into? Nerd stuff? Probably some type of nerd stuff. Or maybe you're kind of into that Justin Bieber/Nicki Minaj song and are intrigued by the sexy possibilities of this musical pairing?** Or you could pretend that one of you is a ghost! I don't know! Get in character! Make elaborate costumes! Write slash fiction that you inappropriately send to each other during the workday! I believe in your ability to get creative. If you don't always want to put on an elaborate show, it is okay to do the sexytimes just as yourselves, obvs, because that's why you like each other and all, but these are some ideas about how to get more freak in your freakin'.

The other thing I gotta throw out there is that while I certainly don't have time to listen to all of them, a well-timed prayer of thanksgiving or song of hosanna goes a long way in keeping my mood up. And while I don't recommend you necessarily make shrines and/or start cults worshiping one another, you and your LDR pal should keep in touch, expressing your appreciation for one another's Chrissie behinds*** even when you're not cybersexing (or whatever you kids call it). It sounds like you've got this under control, CoYS, but I appreciate you turning to me before a disaster strikes or something. I don't only want to hear from you when your grandma dies or your car gets stuck in a ditch on a deserted murderer-friendly road, people! Good luck with your long-distance lovin', CoYS, but know that if it all becomes too much work, this is a time when the non-in-person breakup is totally allowed.

Love and tequila shots,

The Sexy Gay Jesus 


*I don't endorse the sketchy mustache, but Pastor Dan knows what I'm talking about.
**I can't be the only one thinking about this.
***Did you know this is a Chrissie Hynde reference? I always thought she was saying "prissy" before I just Googled it.

50 Favorite Romances: The Wonderfully Awkward/Realistic Ones

Look at how I am finally finishing my list! Guys, since in real life I am pretty awkward (SHOCK), I have a special place in my heart for on-screen romances that can capture the adorable awkwardness of an early romantic relationship* and the magic that can ensue in the long run. I find it heart-warming if sometimes difficult to watch because I am also like, "Word." Here's those guys.

Also see: 1-10: The Sweet Ones, 11-20: The Sexy Ones, 21-32: The Slow-Burning Ones, and 33-38: The Devastating Ones.

39. Bridesmaids (2011)

You can't be throwing away the ugly carrot like that. It's lucky!

Um, so fucking cute? Mostly this movie is about Kristin Wiig's character being a wreck because Maya Rudolph is getting married/got a new best friend, but the romantic B plot with Chris O'Dowd as an adorable (Irish) Milwaukee cop she keeps running into is wonderful. Their interactions are cute and awkward and messy, just like real people's! Also, IMDB just told me he is on The IT Crowd, so I should probably stop letting it fester in my instant queue and get on watching it.

40. Harold and Maude (1971)

Let's go steal some cars and whatnot.

I think a sixty or so year age difference works perfectly in this movie. Harold is obsessed with death. Harold is awkward and wears amazing seventies suits and goes to funerals for fun. And Maude, well, Maude is wonderful. And I'm glad they like each other. Fuck you, other people. Meaningful connections can be hard to come by.

41. Head-On (2004)

He didn't really tidy up before he brought her home.

They meet in a mental institution. She wants to get away from her strict family, so she marries the first Turkish guy who will agree to so she can move out and drink and party and have lots of meaningless sex. Sham marriages never stay shams according to movies and TV, though! Their eventual emotional entanglement is both awkward and sexy in its development and feels very natural. A tragic plot twist about 2/3 of the way through made me seriously consider putting this on the "devastating" list. You have been warned.

42. How I Met Your Mother (2005- ) - Lily and Marshall

How can you not love a couple that does stuff like this?

Lily and Marshall are best friends. They are drinking buddies. They love each other so much. I love them. I want to be their friends.

43. Humpday (2009)

Masculinity at its finest dumbest.

Bro 1's old friend Bro 2 comes to town and through a series of events/conversations that are not important/I don't remember, Bro 2 effectively challenges Bro 1's masculinity because he's all married and whipped and shit. Basically Bro 2 (beard) convinces Bro 1 (Pete from The League**) to do a gay porn movie with him. OBVIOUSLY. Bro 1 convinces his wife this is something he has to try to do, and a lot of the movie is the two bros in a hotel room, trying to convince themselves to get it on with each other. I kept yelling at them to drink more, but their friendship and their internalized homophobia are examined in their attempts during this "Mumblecore" movie.

44. Medicine for Melancholy (2008)

Yep. Hipster Wyatt Cenac in all his bearded glory.

Micah and Jo hook up drunkenly at a party. In the morning, they don't remember each other's names. Micah wants to get to know Jo/make some more happen. Jo is technically in a relationship (with a white dude), and finds Micah somewhat exasperating. They basically spend a weekend together exploring what might be, having fun between discussing what it means to be black on the "scene" and interracial relationships and gentrification and history and race in general. It's awkward and very real feeling. You want things to work out, but understand why it probably can't. There's a reason "melancholy" is in the title. Wyatt Cenac's character is a fish tank designer or something. OBVIOUSLY. Also, Tracey Heggins is STUNNING and kept reminding me of my friend Anne. (Not-so-subtle peer pressure to write more, friend!)

45. Moscow, Belgium (2008)

One of the sexiest propositions I've ever seen onscreen. Awkward and honest. Love.

In this wonderful, wonderful Flemish film from 2008, Matty and Johnny awkwardly fall in love. Matty, a lady in her '40s who is actually still super-hot but wears terrible frumpy clothes and works at the post office, is separated from her philandering husband of many years, taking care of their three precocious children in a kind of sad apartment complex. Through a typically unlikely romcom scenario, she meets Johnny, a truck driver who is supposed to be 29, but clearly the actor is much older than that, but whatever SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF PEOPLE, IT'S THE MOVIES. Johnny pursues Matty, she insists she just wants her husband to come home. Her husband only wants to come home when he thinks she's moving on. The oldest daughter has started dating, Johnny has a kind of a horrifying past (which apparently I can look past because he's so cute and sweet otherwise?), and shenanigans ensue. LOVE LOVE LOVE, RECOMMEND RECOMMEND RECOMMEND. I own this movie. So good.

46. Paper Heart (2009)

Team hoodies!

Yes, Michael Cera always plays awkward, sweet young guys. But I think maybe he is that guy? And in this movie he plays himself: an awkward, sweet young guy and a rising star. Charlene Yi (who I adore and saw most recently on TV's House playing an awkward doctor) plays herself in this mockumentary, and despite all the press that claimed they were real-life lovers, supposedly they were never actually a couple or whatever. Whatever. Anyway, up-and-coming Charlene lives in L.A. and doesn't believe in love until she meets adorable Canadian actor Mike. An awkward long-distance romance full of false starts (like real relationships, duh) ensues, kind of throwing a wrench in Charlene's "love is fake" documentary that is supposedly driving the movie. Got it?

47. Parks and Recreation (2009- ) - DOUBLE COUPLE CUTENESS TROUBLE

If you know me, then you know I love me some Parks & Rec HARD. I own a Lil' Sebastian t-shirt and plush toy, people. Don't fuck with me. And so it's kind of cheating throwing two romances in under one title, but I can't choose between them, so DON'T MAKE ME. First, of course: Leslie and Ben.

I support your professional ambitions so hard. Let's go do some sexy politics nerd cosplay, mmkay?

Leslie Knope is amazing an wonderful and feminist and good at everything and Ben is played by the Sexy Gay Jesus' gift to people with eyes AKA Adam Scott and they are so nerdy and so sweet and even after their love was no longer forbidden, I was totes into it. Also, remember when Ben punched that dick in the bowling alley and Leslie was so into it? LOVE IT.

Burt Macklin, FBI and Janet Snakehole FOREVER!

There are couples out there like April and Andy, where both person on his or her own is kind of terrible at life and relationships, but together they are not necessarily better at those things, but they are so perfect for one another that it no longer matters. When April and Andy got together and very shortly thereafter got suprise-married, I was touched. Yes, I felt feelings in my cold, blackened little heart. April is the epitome of sarcasm and cynicism (which is why my husband secretly wants to leave me for her, but it is okay as long as I get Adam Scott in the tradeoff), Andy is the epitome of pure, unadulterated enthusiasm. And by unadulterated, I really mean so not adult in any way. But I love them together. I love how April sometimes accidentally smiles when Andy's around and how Andy thinks April is so awesomesauce, that it doesn't even matter that she rarely smiles, she's always up for his wacky plans. Those two + Champion = America's Greatest Family, basically. Also, Ben lives with them, which doesn't hurt.

48. The Trotsky (2009)

This really shouldn't work, but it might?

I don't even know if the love story in this movie really quite works, but since I find Leon (Jay Baruchel) pretty irresistible in this movie, I can understand why sexy older lawyer lady Alexandra falls for him. The movie is mostly about how Leon believes he is the reincarnation of Trotsky. OBVIOUSLY. He organizes a strike in his dad's factory, who punishes him by sending him to public school, where of course he finds more reasons for the proletariat (students) to rise up. He's brash and deluded and way too smart for his own good. Cute and Canadian and wonderful, I say.

49. While You Were Sleeping (1995)

I'm fake-engaged to your brother in a coma, but who cares because of cute cuteness?

The first couple times I watched this movie, I found the parts when Lucy gets drawn into the Callahan family kind of painful to watch because of unnecessary misunderstandings and whatnot. But after dozens of viewings over the years, what I still appreciate is the very real (and sweet) chemistry between Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman (never this cute again) and the very witty writing. Cast aside your prejudice against the terrible romcom plot conventions and see how AMAZING the family's dialogue is, how fucking clever and quotable and fantastic. This movie offers no great surprises or subversive messages, but it makes me feel good. I try to watch it every Christmas season at least. And if you and your sixth grade best friend haven't rewound the VHS tape over and over again to see the paper boy biff it on repeat, then you have not lived my friend. There's also a reason this made my sister's list, too. It's a classic, people.

50. William and Mary (2003-2005)

People on TV have never seemed so normal.

I became curious about this British TV show soon after I got obsessed with Doc Martin (an earlier entry on this list), because I couldn't understand how such a funny looking guy (Martin Clunes) could be so irresistibly attractive. I'll admit I haven't seen series 3 because it's (still) not on Netflix, but I'll have to track it down now that I've realized it exists. Mary is a midwife and William is a reluctant undertaker (family business). They meet and somehow manage to actually start dating. They each have two kids and are trying to manage single parenting, jobs, life, and each other. There's something very natural and very real about the way they interact. Neither of them is American TV gorgeous, and the way that real-life stresses get in the way of their connection at times is so much more realistic than horrifying family secrets or secret blindness or one person being a robot or something. Highly recommended. Now I've got to figure out which web TV service will let me watch the rest of it without waiting forever for buffering or having to download sketchy software.

THE END. 

*Nothing awkward ever happens later on. Or rather, you get used to each other's awkwardness.

**I know this looks like such a bro show, and it is about a bunch of bros (and one lady), but it is SO funny and definitely worth watching past the short first season. Mostly it's about people being terrible to each other (though not as terrible as the terrible, terrible characters on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which I also love). The football nonsense is not really important to follow.

50 Favorite Romances: The Devastating Ones

We successfully moved to Minnesota, everybody! Our house is mostly unpacked and I'm supposed to be applying to jobs right now, so here I am blogging. Anyway, on with the 50 Favorite Romance list!

Also see: 1-10: The Sweet Ones , 11-20: The Sexy Ones, and 21-32: The Slow-Burning Ones.

I know all y'all are like, enough with the happy (and/or ambiguous) endings, can we get some depressing shit up in here? Or at least you would say that if you are my husband. But anyway, I do quite like several films that are not so happy, but have love stories I adore nonetheless. Not all of them kill somebody off at the end.

33. Blue Valentine (2010)

So much Ryan Gosling hotness/hipster adorableness.

This movie will mess you up. Interspersed between images of their deteriorating marriage, we see flashbacks to Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams sweetly falling in love. Also, Gosling is at his chain-smoking grungiest best as he utterly fails at being a good adult partner but is totally adorable and fabulous as a fun dad to their young daughter. It is so good, and so sad, and so sweet (but only in flashbacks).

34. Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Who knew shepherding could be so sexy?

Yeah, I kind of love this movie. The bro wrestling turning into making out is kind of totally hot. The whole "we live in a homophobic culture and cannot reveal our love and we have semi-sham marriages and children and all that and it is sad" part is less sexy. But sporadic"fishing trips" keep these two dreamboats going as the years pass. Two highlights to this film: Gyllenhaal's amazing '70s/'80s 'stache and the fact that his on-screen wife Anne Hathaway's hair becomes bigger and blonder and more amazing over the years. But mostly it is just pretty and slow and sad.

35. Eyes Wide Open (2009)

Forbidden foreign gay romance with lots of BEARDS? Netflix, how do you know my SOUL?

Aaron is a fabulously-bearded butcher living in an Orthodox community in Jerusalem. This neighborhood is full of nosy people and religious enforcer-types. Ezri is a sexily bestubbled young yeshiva student who needs a place to stay. Aaron lets Ezri stay in the back of the butcher shop and takes him under his wing. Unbeknownst to Aaron's wife and children, it's not just his wing Ezri is under (on? in?)--GET IT, BECAUSE GAY SEX? What this movie lacks in actual sexytimes on film though, it makes up for by making you feel lots of feelings of longing and guilt. When the people around Aaron find out that Ezri has a "reputation" and begin to suspect something isn't quite right, everything turns out for the best. JUST KIDDING EVERYTHING TURNS OUT TERRIBLY. So, so good.

36. Lady Jane (1986)

We are so young and idealistic and basically our parents' pawns. This won't end badly, will it?

Lady Jane Grey (played by a very precocious Helena Bonham Carter) became heir to the British throne as a teenager due to various royal and political wranglings in the mid-16th century. Married off to the (conveniently dreamy young Cary Elwes) son of an ally, Lady Jane and her new husband Lord Guildford Dudley find they actually like, nay, LOVE one another. Also, they are Protestants and also want to help poor people and whatnot and when the Lady becomes Queen briefly, they hope to enact all their social justice plans. However, others are not so pleased with her being placed on the throne and she is deposed after like a week by her cousin Mary I who was a Catholic and let's be honest, the rightful heir. Anyway, RELIGIOUS PERSECUTION, imprisonment, execution, blahblahblah. Based on a true and terrible story!

37. Moulin Rouge (2001)

Blood on the handkerchief ruins EVERYTHING.

Ewan McGregor's voice melts your soul over and over again in this beautiful musical spectacle of a film. Even though one of the first things his character tells us is that his lover is dead, you can't help but root for it to work out between the 1890s proto-hipster/writer and his courtesan ladyfriend. But, you know, death. I can only watch this movie if I'm not already sad. So good. This one also made my sister's list.


38. Veronica Mars (2004-2007)

Oh, Logan. So desirable. So broken. Such a terrible boyfriend.

A classic hatred turns into a grief- and guilt-heavy love situation, then kind of hate again and then back together (don't remember how many times, but a lot for a show that only lasted three seasons). But Logan is BROKEN and FLAWED and kind of a ridiculous spoiled rich bro but he was abused and his parents are terrible and also he is secretly really sweet and often quite funny and handsome in a richbro kind of way. And Veronica is wonderful and smart and funny and a TEEN DETECTIVE and let's all be honest about how motherfucking boring Duncan is (he's pretty much this show's Dean). Their love is full of witty quips and sexy times but also lots of emotional rollercoaster-iness and actual scary violence and murder times and SPOILER ALERT maybe is not the healthiest place for Veronica to be. While I am pleased she eventually finds a normal boyfriend, I kind of wished their ill-fated love was more neutral-fated so I could actually hope they'd get back together someday.

50 Favorite Romances: The Slow Burning Ones

Also see 1-10: The Sweet Ones and 11-20: The Sexy Ones.

Some romantic movies feature couples that start dating and/or humping from the get-go, but others offer delightfully slow-burning stories filled with meaningful glances and tension and inconvenient circumstances and RULES OF SOCIETY THAT WILL KEEP US APART. Sometimes these social obstacles can be overcome, sometimes not, but you are filled with delightful angst the whole time about WILL THEY OR WON'T THEY? AND GODDAMMIT, JUST DO IT. These are some of my favorites in this genre:

21. The Brothers Bloom (2008)

Stop torturing me with the delicious-looking mimosas and tell her the goddamn truth!

Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo are the delightfully handsome and smooth-talking titular Bloom brothers who have made their living running elaborate cons. Adrien has decided he wants to get out of the dishonesty game, but Mark convinces him to join him on one more job, which involves scamming a beautiful and kind of weird heiress (Rachel Weisz). They convince Weisz' character that they are international smugglers (which is not too far from the truth) to get her to invest in them and join them for a larceny-filled trip around the world. But Adrien Brody actually falls in love with her! But they are still conning her! And he can't break his promises to Mark Ruffalo and break their cover! Most of this movie I was yelling at Adrien Brody to just tell her what was actually going on, but it was adorable anyway. Also, Adrien Brody DUH.


22. Cairo Time (2009)

Just grab each other, already!

The always-delightful Patricia Clarkson is a successful magazine editor married to some sort of fancy U.N. worker who spends much of his time abroad creating peace in the Middle East or whatever. They're supposed to meet for an extended vacation in Egypt, when the husband gets caught up in Gaza or something. So the husband enlists an old friend from the U.N., dreamy, dreamy Alexander Siddig, who lives in Cairo now to keep her entertained until he can get to town. Over the course of a few weeks, two grow close and realize they are attracted to each other as they see the Egyptian sights together. But she loves her husband and he is the husband's friend and WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

23. Coffee Prince (2007)

How fucking cute are they?

Yes, this is the Korean drama that sparked my recent binge. It is so good, you guys. It was originally based on a novel and developed into a seventeen-episode series. Basically, Han Gyul is the handsome and rich heir to some sort of giant food company or something. Yoo Joo is an adorably awkward tomboy who is often mistaken for a boy and is her family's breadwinner. In a series of unlikely events, Han Gyul hires Yoo Joo for various jobs (including fake boyfriend and as a server at an all-male-staffed coffee shop) assuming that she's a boy. Yoo Joo needs the money, so she goes along with it, but it gets complicated when she starts to like Han Gyul and he gets really confused when he starts to like Yoo Joo, because he is not gay! Or is he? What will happen? Can he overcome internalized homophobia? Can she tell him the truth? Will he still like her? Or will she end up with his cousin who is a super-adorable music producer and is way nicer to her most of the time? You will have to watch to find out and probably laugh and cry a lot along the way. FEELINGS and lots of bro-related but secretly filled-with-sexual-tension roughhousing, guys.


24. Doc Martin (2004-2011)

Being held hostage together brings anybody together.

The British series Doc Martin's main love story is similar in many ways to the central relationship in another of my favorite shows The X-Files. See, Mulder and Scully (Doc Martin and Louisa) are clearly into each other, but just can't make it happen except sometimes there are glimpses of hope (and then real hook-ups), but when you actually think about it, Mulder/Doc Martin would be a terrible partner and Scully/Louisa would be better off without him, but it is just TV so you cheer for them anyway. Martin Clunes is the completely socially incompetent but brilliant Doctor Martin who moves to a small Cornwallish coastal town, where he begins a long and super-awkward flirtation with local schoolteacher Louisa. But he has developed a fear of blood! And she is too normal and pretty for him! What small-town shenanigans will ensue? (It's got a bit of a Northern Exposure vibe to it.) Will he be able to overcome his own terrible personality to make it work with Louisa? That is why there are, like, five seasons people!


25. Happy Accidents (2000)

No but seriously, I'm totally from the future.

Guys, Marisa Tomei is a neurotic lady who keeps picking terrible men who need "fixing" to have relationships with. Vincent D'Onofrio is from the future. Or so he says, after he gets to know her a little bit. He claims he's from the U.S.'s east coast (which is now in Iowa) far in the future, where he found a photograph of her in New York in the late twentieth century in a curio shop. He falls in love and uses time traveling technology that totally exists or whatever to come back and find her (and save her from her tragic traffic accident death). She doesn't really believe him, but falls in love with him anyway, but then maybe she believes him, and then it's like, can they really stop fate from killing her off? Or will he have to travel back in time over and over again, trying to change things? And also it's cute and weird and cute. The end.


26. Kissing Cousins (2008)

Pretending to be in a relationship is dangerous, y'all.

Kissing Cousins is a kind of low-budget, cheesy indie romantic comedy that Netflix just knew I would like. Amir breaks up with people for a living. Like, people hire him to break up for them. Which is, of course, a real job in L.A. or whatever. His friends are like, "Your job kind of makes you an asshole and also maybe you should get over that one time you got your heart broken and try to have a new relationship like a grown-up." And he is like, "I can totally have a healthy relationship despite my job." (Hint: he can't, he is too cynical.) Conveniently, Amir's (first) cousin Zara, who he hasn't seen since they were children comes to visit from the U.K. under somewhat mysterious circumstances and must stay with him for an extended period of time and also does not want to talk to her family when they call and sketchy sketch sketch. She is amused by Amir's situation and suggests they pretend to be a couple to mess with his friends. But the ruse goes on a little too long and maybe they are actually into each other? But they're like, "But we're cousins!" But it's not like they were raised together like siblings or something and they could totally get married in California and when it comes to my actual first cousins, I'd be like, ew, but none of them are as hot as Amir, so whatever SOCIAL CONVENTIONS ARE INCONVENIENT.


27. Like Water for Chocolate (1992)

It's not awkward that I married your sister, is it?

In Mama Elena's family in early twentieth century Mexico, the youngest daughter in the family never marries, but instead stays to take care of her mother as she ages. Tita, Elena's youngest, falls in love with Pedro, but Elena will not let them get married. So instead she's like, "Hey Pedro, you can marry Tita's sister Rosaura" and he does because he wants to stay close to Tita and clearly this is an appropriate solution. And they all live in one house happily ever after! Just kidding! Tita and Pedro are still in love and also there is this whole plot point where Tita's cooking has magical emotional properties. Whatever she's feeling when she makes the food, the people who eat it will feel the same. Magico-realismo, people! How will they manage to survive (emotionally) for the rest of their lives under one roof? Forbidden love, food porn, feelings, tension, beautiful scenery and costuming. It's a good one.


28. (Her Majesty,) Mrs. Brown (1997)

They're touching!

I like to think of this as the logical follow-up to The Young Victoria, featured on an earlier list since it could just be called The Older Victoria AKA After Albert Dies and She's Really Depressed for a Lot of Years. Queen Victoria (Dame Judi Dench, obvs) kind of hid from public after her beloved husband's death, and even the presence of her seemingly dozens of offspring cannot console her, nor will her sense of duty to her royal subjects shake her from her self-imposed grieving isolation. But then! But then servant Mr. Brown (Billy Connolly, at his charmingest) makes an appearance at Balmoral Castle, the late prince's favorite hangout. He's all Scottish and rough and sensitive. He wears kilts and understands the queen and takes her out riding and it is sweet sweet sweet. They become close friends, causing no little amount of gossip ("Mrs. Brown" is her detractors' nickname for her). He encourages to go back to public life, and she knows she must. Bittersweet. Lovely. Unspoken Victorian feelings (literally). Watch it.


29. North and South (2004)

"You don't need Henry to explain."

When I first read Elizabeth Gaskell's novel in a European history class in college, I was mostly like, "Shut up about the social unrest and all the labor strikes and more of the unlikely romance PLZ." Luckily this 2004 BBC miniseries adaptation plays to its strengths. Margaret Hale's family must pack up and move away from their idyllic Southern parsonage because her father's "lost his faith" or something. They settle in Milton, a dirty town full of, you guessed it, mills in the North of England. The Hales soon encounter Mr. Thornton (AKA Richard Armitage's smo(u)ldering glare), a wealthy mill owner with impending labor troubles. The regional differences lead to antagonism between Margaret and Mr. Thornton, but I think it would not surprise you to learn that hardship, personal tragedies, labor strikes, social misunderstandings, mob violence, and the like slowly bring the two together. Smolder, smolder, smolder.


30. Pride and Prejudice (1995)

Oh, what an awkward coincidence that I should be here when you're all wet!

Duh and duh. Classic romantic comedy ploy: the two hate each other but then not really at all later on. This miniseries version is clearly superior to any other adaptations of the classic Jane Austen novel, but the 2008 TV miniseries Lost in Austen involving a modern woman obsessed with the novel who magically switches places with the fictional Elizabeth Bennett it totally cute and worth a watch too.


31. Sweet Land (2005)

Don't worry, I'm just this awkward all the time.

This romance is the epitome of "understated." In the wake of World War I, Norwegian bachelor farmer Olaf sends for a bride in Europe to come join him and make a go of it in rural Minnesota. Unfortunately, when Inge arrives it turns out she's actually German (scandal!) and doesn't seem to have the correct paperwork to make their marriage legal. Olaf's community is not okay with Inge being German and refuse to help them get married. In the meantime, Inge refuses to go back to Europe and settles in first with Olaf's friend Alan Cumming (adorbs, as always) and his family and then actually in Olaf's house (scandal beyond scandal!). Olaf is SO AWKWARD with her you guys, but he likes her. He can speak some German, but she speaks no English, so she's pretty isolated in addition to being hated because she's one of those dirty Huns and all. But she's spunky and pretty and determined to make this situation work, and she and Olaf (mostly silently and awkwardly) slowly fall in love and decide to make it official even if no one else will agree to it.


32. Wives and Daughters (1999)

Let's go look at some bugs!

Another miniseries based on an Elizabeth Gaskell novel, this story follows Molly Gibson, the apple of her doctor father's widowed eye. But then suddenly Mr. Gibson decides to remarry, and Molly is subject to a completely ridiculous stepmother with an exciting but also kind of ridiculous daughter of her own. In the meantime, Molly is basically adopted as a surrogate daughter by the wealthy Hamley family as she helps nurse their dying mother. Brother Osborne is filled with scandal and disappointment for his father, the Squire, but brother Roger goes on to surprise everyone by becoming a famous naturalist. Molly is entangled in the shenanigans of her stepfamily and the Hamleys and in the meantime develops feelings for Roger, who mostly thinks of her as a younger sister-type. But will he always see her this way? WILL HE? I should warn you that Gaskell never finished this novel, so the conclusion is a bit truncated if (SPOILER ALERT) mostly satisfying.

50 Favorite Romances: The Sexy Ones

Let's all be honest, ladies and gentlebuddies, sometimes we watch romances because sexy people doing sexy things onscreen can be pretty sexy. Whether you prefer crackling sexual tension or just really well-written softcore, here's a list of some of my favorite sexy romances:

Se also numbers 1-10 of my 50 favorite romances: The Sweet Ones

**NOTE: This post ain't for everybody, only the sexy people.**

11. Coming Home (1978)

Well, at least your tongue still works!

Jane Fonda's boring husband Bruce Dern is being deployed to Vietnam and I'm too lazy to look up which branch of the military he's in because who cares? While he's out of the country, she'd like to get a job or something, but he doesn't want her to work because patriarchy. So anyway, to fill her time, she starts volunteering at the VA hospital. The other officers' wives think this is kind of icky, but it leads to Jane meeting a shockingly handsome young and bearded Jon Voight. Voight's character was wounded in Vietnam and left paralyzed from the waist down, and frankly is a little put out about the whole thing (this is an understatement, guys: SARCASM). In a shocking turn of events, Jane Fonda is able to inspire him to start getting up and around in a wheelchair and telling everyone how stupid and terrible the Vietnam War is and then later they totally fall in love of course. And just because someone's penis doesn't work doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of fun things you can do together in bed! It's some pretty hot stuff. Take that, patriarchy! But what will happen when Bruce "never even thought about helping my wife orgasm" Dern comes back from the war? YOU WILL HAVE TO WATCH AND SEE.


12. The English Patient (1996)

This torrid affair's definitely going to work out, right?

World War II is a thing that's starting, but rich Britons hanging out in North Africa like making maps and having adventures and pretending it's still the nineteenth century. Incredibly sexy pre-Voldemort Ralph Fiennes is the titular character, who in the "present" is recounting his love affair with the wife of one of his geography buddies or whatever. They sneak around in Egypt and spend a lot of time naked and get into adventures together and it all ends tragically or whatever. But let's talk about this:

OBVIOUSLY.

Naveen Andrews is some sort of bomb tech with the British Army and Juliette Binoche is a nurse who watches over the now severely disfigured Ralph Fiennes and they're all hanging out at some abandoned Italian villa or something after the conclusion of the war I guess. Anyway, she sees Naveen being all sexy as shown above and things eventually get interesting. THE PLOT IS COMPLEX, SO JUST GO WATCH IT.

13. Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus (2006)

For the record, RDJ's sexiness is not really hindered by the fur suit and I was kind of disappointed when he shaved his whole body (with her help) before they fucked.

Along with Coming Home above, I watched this movie for a class on representations of love, sex, and disability. I don't really know (or care) that much about Diane Arbus, but this fictional tale posits that she began photographing people considered "deviant" or "freakish" in some way because she met a very, very hairy man and his gaggle of eccentric friends. At the beginning of the film, Arbus (Nicole Kidman) is just your regular everyday 1950s housewife who helps her husband with his photography business and has very few aspirations of her own. BUT then a mysterious man moves in upstairs. It is sexy, sexy Robert Downey, Jr. who happens to be covered in lots of hair--like in a genetic disorder kind of way, not a Teen Wolf kind of way.* He basically lures Arbus into seeking him out and she starts ignoring her family and hanging out with him and taking pictures of his odd friends and they fall in love and it is wonderful and sad and wonderful.

14. Lady Chatterley (2006)

Why don't I teach you how to orgasm on the floor of this hut, mmkay?

There are many incarnations of D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley, but this 2006 French one is based on the first version of the story, John Thomas and Lady Jane, a novel published in 1927. Lawrence published the more famous Lady Chatterley's Lover soon after. I've never read either or seen any other film adaptations, so I don't really know how they are different but do know they are both full of sexy sexy times! Anyway, the rich English Lady's husband has come back from WWI as a paraplegic, and apparently this means the Chatterleys can never, ever fool around again or something and he basically is depressed and ignores her all the time. She is also--surprisingly--depressed and told to start spending time outdoors to get over it, so she runs around the estate and strikes up an affair with the gruff gamekeeper. There is a lot of having sex in cabins and outside and whatnot, basically. But they are both technically married and it's like 1919 or whatever, so things can't really work out, can they? Also, Jean-Louis Coullo'ch does not seem hot at first, but then he takes his shirt off and then he starts fucking Lady Chatterley all over the woods. Good stuff.

15. Little Children (2006)

Let's pretend Kate Winslet is frumpy in this movie!

There is a lot going on in this film adaptation of Tom Perrotta's novel (also very good), some of which is pretty fucked up (the whole B plot about the neighborhood's registered sex offender, for example). But anyway, some generically hot blond guy who has a little boy and Kate Winslet who has a little girl are both stay-at-home parents who meet in the park one day. The other moms don't dare approach him, but Kate's character doesn't really fit in with them anyway and somehow they end up striking up a friendship. Both are in somewhat unhappy marriages (esp. her) and they often find themselves bored and resentful. They start going to the public pool with their kids everyday and eventually end up fucking. And then they keep fucking each other for awhile and they start to plan to run away together. And they do and they live happily ever after! Haha just kidding, some fucked up shit happens at the end.

16. Out of Africa (1985)

Personal shampoo service by Robert Redford? Hard to go wrong there.

Colonialism hasn't been this sexy since that time I watched the English Patient. Anyway, Meryl Streep is a Danish lady who marries a rich acquaintance out of convenience and they end up moving to Kenya since he is "rich" as in "has a title" not as in "having actual money or property at his disposal." She and her husband have an "arrangement," and he is often not around and she basically runs their coffee plantation. One of the white people they meet is Robert Redford (who cares about character names?), who is a big game hunter, pilot, and general adventurer. Meryl and Robert become friends and then eventually lovers. Meryl is kind of pissed at her husband for giving her syphilis and being a general douchebag, and makes him move out and then lets Robert move in. But you can't tame the R-Dog, he's not into "marriage" or "permanent residences" and Meryl is sad and the landscape is pretty. The end.

17. Plan B (2009)

So I'm going to pretend to like you but then maybe I really will but anyway let's strip down to our underwear and sleep next to each other like bros do.

I ended up seeing this movie because Netflix is always like, "Did you say foreign gay/forbidden romance?" and I am powerless to say no. In this quirky Argentinean film, curly hair above gets dumped by his girlfriend. Said ex-girlfriend starts dating straight hair above. Curly hair wants his woman back, and though she continues to fool around with him on the side, won't get back together with him. So curly hair OBVIOUSLY comes up with a devious plan to befriend straight hair and seduce him away from the girlfriend so then SHE'LL get dumped and possibly come back to him. Neither dude has ever had any gay experiences as far as we know, but as curly hair begins to enact his plan, something strange happens in that he starts to actually like the straight-haired dude. WHAT WILL HAPPEN? It is a very likable movie and involves a lot of sexual tension and scruffy beards and scenes where they are only wearing underwear, which I'm kind of okay with.

18. Strangers (2007)

Soccer: resolving the Israeli-Palestinian crisis since, like, always.

Two strangers accidentally switch bags on a train in Germany during the 2006 World Cup. One is an Israeli soldier and the other Palestinian woman living (illegally) in France. After switching them back, they decide to try to find a place to stay together while they enjoy the festive atmosphere and go watch some soccer games on big screens in public places. Can you guess what happens next? Sexiness, chain-smoking, political tension. They spend a couple of days together in Berlin before she's called back to France because her son is ill (he doesn't know she has a kid yet!). When he disobeys her wishes and follows her to Paris and then Israel invades Lebanon, things get COMPLICATED. The acting is pretty impeccable (and I'm not just talking about Liron Levo's occasional shirtlessness), especially considering that the dialogue was apparently mostly improvised and the second part of the movie (in Paris) was added after the Lebanese War broke out during the original shooting. An ambiguous conclusion keeps viewers debating between what feels good and what feels real.

19. A Walk in the Clouds (1992)

Who know being covered in grape juice could be so sexy? (Also: sticky.)

My sister included this one on her favorite romance list because it is great. This is another movie I own on VHS because I'm too cheap/embarrassed to go out of my way to buy it on DVD, and yet I have to re-watch it every once in awhile. Keanu Reeves is a GI who comes back from WWII to find his hastily-married bride (Debra Messing) hasn't read any of his letters and expects him to go back to his old job selling chocolates door-to-door. So Keanu goes on the road and meets beautiful and mysterious Victoria, who charms him by getting sexually harassed by rednecks and barfing on his uniform. Mostly he ends up posing as her husband so her strict Catholic Mexican-American father won't shoot her for being pregnant. He plans to "abandon" her after the first day at her family's vineyard, but it doesn't work out quite that easily! We all know what happens when you pretend to be a couple, you have to become one in real life, duh. But he's married! There's tension! Victoria's father is imperious and the grandpa is awesome and adorable and Keanu's wooden performance is mostly easy to ignore since the scenery is so beautiful and his chemistry with the leading lady is pretty believable. This movie is a lot tamer than many of the others in this category, but I DARE you not to get into the grape-smashing sequence. HOT.

20. The Young Victoria (2009)

Your ludicrous facial hair is really going to help me with my empire-building. 

Based on real historical events enhanced by implausibly attractive actors, the story of Queen Victoria (Emily Blunt)'s accession to the British throne at the age of eighteen and her marriage to Prince Albert of Somethingorrather (Rupert Friend) is filled with both old-timey political intrigue and romance. Though Victoria knows that her uncle has chosen Albert to woo her for political reasons, the two form a bond largely through correspondence. There is a lot of not touching when people want to touch, meaningful glances and silences and the like as a real attraction grows between the two. What I find most attractive of all perhaps (besides Rupert Friend in period costume, despite his sketchy mustache) is their mutual respect and his ultimate deference to her position as queen, even as she has trouble sorting out her political role in the early years. Equality is sexy, people.

*Fact: I have a special place in my heart for a) Michael J. Fox and b) Teen Wolf (1985, obvs) and was horrified to watch ten minutes of some terrible MTV dramatic series reboot recently that was no doubt inspired by that atrocity known as the Twilight series.