Great Songs from Your Douchey Ex: "Girl, I Heard You're Getting Married" Edition

Guys, waiting for the bus home last night I was listening to some tunes (popular music) on my pod (that's short for iPod, a kind of tiny record player) and I was feeling some "Wedding Bell Blues," but the only version I have is in a Fifth Dimension MEDLEY with "Worst That Could Happen" (1967). In the past I usually just kind of spaced out until that part of the song was over, but yesterday I was diggin' on "Worst That Could Happen" something hard, even though the song's protagonist is a huge nightmare douche of an ex-boyfriend.



Let's parse some lyrics together, shall we?

Girl, I heard you're getting married
TRANSLATION: Hey girl, we don't talk anymore (for reasons that will soon become clear), but I saw your relationship status change and I'm suddenly interested in you again because of how you're no longer available to me.
This time you're really sure
Not like LAST TIME, AMIRITE? But SRSLY, you should have a lot of doubts about your relationship choices.
And this is the end
They say you really mean it
Because even though we're clearly not together, I kind of always assumed you would come back to me because obviously.
This guy's the one that makes you feel
So safe, so sane and so secure
Sure, those things are okay, I guess.
And baby if he loves you more than me
I mean, I clearly (still) love you a LOT, but like, he probably does too.
Maybe it's the best thing
I will concede this point.
Maybe it's the best thing for you
Point amended.
But it's the worst that could happen to me.
Because I am a terrible, selfish man-child who thinks he still has a claim on you.

I'll never get married, never get married
Never ever.
You know that's not my scene
I'm more into, like, prog-rock and really obscure mumblecore movies where even the actresses have beards.
But a girl like you needs to be married
"Like you"--NOT THAT I'M JUDGING YOU FOR HAVING "MAINSTREAM" VALUES OR ANYTHING.
I've known all along you couldn't live forever in between.
I've had my occasional lucid moment.
And baby if he loves you more than me
Maybe it's the best thing
But only IF.
Maybe it's the best thing for you
But it's the worst that could happen to me.
My rich fantasy life is getting pretty shaken up right now.

And girl I don't really blame you
For having a dream of your own
Like, having desires and needs is fine for you, I guess, but I never really thought about it before.
Hey girl I don't really blame you
A woman like you needs a house and a home.
I am being a sexist douche about you wanting a truly committed partner.
Baby if he really loves you more than me
maybe it's the best thing
Maybe it's the best thing for you
But it's the worst that could happen to me.
I just realized I'm not Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate and I have a lot of feelings about this.

Ahh... Great song, terrible ex. Get married, girl--or don't! Either way, thank all the stars in heaven that you guys finally broke up. Play this song for your friends and laugh with derision. In a few years you will just feel sorry for him.