Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Sexy Gay Jesus and Long-Distance Lovin'

Due to popular demand (in that one person emailed me out of the blue), Our Most Fabulous Lord and Savior the Sexy Gay Jesus is back to answer your life questions. Feel free to email me if you feel you need His Divine Guidance.

Dear SGJ,

I'm in a long-distance relationship (well, sort of...it's complicated--being omniscient, you know how it is) and we're having lots of great virtual sex using e-mail and g-chat/video chat. Great as things are right now, I'm always on the look out for tips to keep things HOT! Having been around so long and doing that whole long-distance from heaven thing, I thought you might have some ideas for me.


Counting on Your Sexiness

P.S. Thanks for dying for our sins and shit. That was really awesome of you!

Just imagine Him more shirtless. Source.
Dear CoYS,

You're welcome for the sacrifice, ain't no thang. And you are right, my child, I never lack for hotness in any of my relationships.* It sounds like you are already adept at the technologically-facilitated types of DOIN' IT, so you don't need my help figuring that out. I am pondering on ways to help you keep things "fresh," though. Let's think about my followers. How have I kept the Jesus™ brand hot for nearly two millennia? Many people may call something like this an abomination, but what I really think it speaks to is my versatility--by which I mean a broad-based appeal based around my deity status, not JUST this kind of versatility. Conservatives love me, hippies love me, even bigots love me! And while I would never personally visit some (many) of these people or get drunk with them or anything, I am both an advocate of free culture and kind of a slut. So what I'm saying is, as long as people want to get down with the J.C. is some form, I don't feel the need to stop them because all that worshiping makes a redeemer feel good, you know?

This is all to say that while I don't think you, CoYS, can or should try to be all things to your long-distance buddy (or to anyone, for that matter), you can mix things up a bit. Perhaps you and your LDR partner could try some role-playing? I feel like virtual sex is particularly well-suited to this activity! I personally like to pretend I am a sexy feathered serpent or a mischievous blue guy who enjoys banging lots of milkmaids or whatever sometimes. But you should not limit yourself to deities! What kinds of things are you and your LDR buddy into? Nerd stuff? Probably some type of nerd stuff. Or maybe you're kind of into that Justin Bieber/Nicki Minaj song and are intrigued by the sexy possibilities of this musical pairing?** Or you could pretend that one of you is a ghost! I don't know! Get in character! Make elaborate costumes! Write slash fiction that you inappropriately send to each other during the workday! I believe in your ability to get creative. If you don't always want to put on an elaborate show, it is okay to do the sexytimes just as yourselves, obvs, because that's why you like each other and all, but these are some ideas about how to get more freak in your freakin'.

The other thing I gotta throw out there is that while I certainly don't have time to listen to all of them, a well-timed prayer of thanksgiving or song of hosanna goes a long way in keeping my mood up. And while I don't recommend you necessarily make shrines and/or start cults worshiping one another, you and your LDR pal should keep in touch, expressing your appreciation for one another's Chrissie behinds*** even when you're not cybersexing (or whatever you kids call it). It sounds like you've got this under control, CoYS, but I appreciate you turning to me before a disaster strikes or something. I don't only want to hear from you when your grandma dies or your car gets stuck in a ditch on a deserted murderer-friendly road, people! Good luck with your long-distance lovin', CoYS, but know that if it all becomes too much work, this is a time when the non-in-person breakup is totally allowed.

Love and tequila shots,

The Sexy Gay Jesus 

*I don't endorse the sketchy mustache, but Pastor Dan knows what I'm talking about.
**I can't be the only one thinking about this.
***Did you know this is a Chrissie Hynde reference? I always thought she was saying "prissy" before I just Googled it.

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